A Thousand Snowflakes
Seth woke up finding himself alone in bed. He squinted as the sun shone in through the windows, for a moment forgetting that he was in a guestroom at his parents' house, and rolled over to his other side. Summer's side of the bed was empty but he could still feel her smell lingering. Mostly he did not notice when she woke up and went up from the bed, but he knew that she probably woke up early. She had not been able to sleep much lately.
On the bedside table, the clock showed 09.29 and he knew that he should probably get up. By this time Summer had most likely been up for several hours, seeing as the twins never slept longer than 07.30.
Seth quickly threw on some clothes that he found in the open suitcase and went downstairs, in desperate need of some coffee.
In the kitchen everyone was seated around the table, on which there stood a large breakfast buffet. Clearly, someone other than Summer had gone up early to prepare all this.
"Daddy," both Isaac and Isabelle exclaimed as they saw their father enter the room. He smiled and felt a warmness in his chest, they were always excited to see him.
"Morning, Seth." His mother gave him a smile and motioned for the empty seat between herself and Summer. "I hope you're hungry."
"You're mother went a little overboard," Sandy joked but was silenced by a look from his wife.
"Yeah. Thanks, mom," Seth said while giving Isaac and Isabelle each a kiss on the head.
Summer immediately went up from the table to pour Seth some coffee, knowing that before he would want to taste anything else he needed his coffee. "Morning," she quietly said as she placed the cup in front of him, lightly kissing his cheek before returning to her seat.
"Thank you," he replied and gave her a small smile.
"So," Sandy excitedly said while he clapped his hands together. "Kirsten and I thought that we could have a little time with our grandchildren today. Maybe the zoo, maybe the beach."
Kirsten continued, smiling as the twins eyes grew big with excitement. "I'm thinking the zoo." Turning to Seth and Summer, knowing that the suggestions might not be popular with the two, she said. "We haven't had much time with them lately, and it would be great for them to be with their grandparents. We'll be back for dinner."
Summer turned in her seat, locking eyes with Seth, who understood her hesitation. Summer had spent the twins every waken moment together with them for the last couple of weeks and he knew why. She was terrified to let anything happen to them, and let them out of her reach.
"I don't know, Kirsten," Summer started but was interrupted by her three-year-old girl.
"Please," she pleaded while making her puppy eye look, knowing that it usually worked to get what she wanted from her parents. "Mommy, I want to go with grandma."
"Please," Kirsten said as well, while Isabelle went around the table to sit in her grandmother's lap. Kirsten wrapped her arms around the little girl and placed a kiss on her forehead as if to show that she would not let anything happen to either of the two children.
Summer still hesitated. She knew that it would be fun for the kids to go out with Sandy and Kirsten. She knew that they had missed them and could use a little fun these days. Even though Summer had done her best to not show her children that she was sad, she also knew that they both had noticed. Seth had been absent, and Summer had not been her happy self. She had never cried in front of them but she had not been able to hide her sadness completely either.
"Daddy?" Isaac tugged at Seth's shirt and looked into his eyes. "Please, me and Bella wanna go."
Seth lifted his son up, placing him in his lap. "I know you want to, buddy."
Summer looked into her children's pleading chocolate eyes and then she met her husband's gaze, knowing he was not saying yes until she was. "Well, maybe we should come with you. Seth and I don't have anything planned anyways."
"Actually, Ryan said that he and Marissa would stop by later. They really want to see you."
"Ryan didn't say anything about that last night, dad," Seth said, joining in on the conversation.
"Well, he called earlier," Sandy simply said and Seth could sense that he was lying but did not have the energy to talk back.
"It seems as if you've already decided for us, then." Seth did not try to hide the annoyance in his voice.
"Seth," Kirsten softly said. "We wouldn't do that."
"Fine, Seth and I will stay home." Summer did not want this to turn into a fight either, and especially not in front of her kids so she gave in. "It's okay, we're fine with it."
Seth was a little surprised that Summer gave in this easily but figured that he had better do the same. "Fine," he sighed but gave his kids a smile. "If you want to go."
"We do!" Isaac clapped his hands and jumped out of his father's lap and into his grandfather's.
Isabelle did the opposite though and abandoned Kirsten's lap. "Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I love you, mommy." The little girl hugged her mommy, and then went to give her daddy a kiss. "Love you, daddy."
After the foursome had left for the zoo, Summer and Seth was met by the silence of the house. It was quiet with no children. Too quiet.
"I'm going to clean up in the kitchen," Summer quickly said while hurrying toward the kitchen. Seth was left in the hall by himself but soon followed his wife.
He could not remember the last time they had been alone, just the two of them. They were alone in bed every night, but never during the day. The twins were always there with Summer. And most of the time, Seth was not there with them.
In the kitchen Summer was busying herself loading the dishwasher. Seth watched her with sadness, knowing that she would not want him to help. Because that would make things done faster, and he knew that Summer liked to stay occupied these days. It was the way she was dealing with it. It. The accident. The death of their girl.
Seth did never occupy himself. He did sort of the opposite. Nothing. Somehow he found it hard to do anything, to find energy to do anything. Or to see what really was the point.
Sinking down at the breakfast table again, Seth opened the paper. He just stared at it though. Did not want to read or know about any more misery.
"Hey," Summer gently said as the kitchen looked sparkling clean. She had noticed her husband sitting on the chair staring in front of him for ten minutes. "Everything okay?" She softly touched his cheek and looked into his eyes the only way she could. He met her gaze with equal sadness and nodded, bushing his hand against her waist. Even though Summer tried to stay occupied and take care of the twins, she never stopped worrying about him or trying to show him some affection. She tried to comfort him, he knew that. And he loved her for it, even though he mostly did not let her come too close.
"I'm just gonna take a walk or something."
"Oh, okay." Summer was used to those words. He always went for these walks. "You want me to come with you?"
Seth shook his head. "No, that's alright. You just stay. Get some sleep. Relax."
"You sure?"
He nodded again, rose from the chair and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "I'll be back soon."
And he left.
When there was nothing else Summer could think of doing, having made the twins' bed and hers and Seth's and cleaned up as much as she could, she sat down by the TV flicking through the channels. She wasn't really watching though, and as she heard the front door open she was relieved.
She did not like to be alone, and she did not like it when Seth went out for his walks. Of course she never told him that, because somehow he seemed to need the time alone. And she hated to see him like this, it even scared her. So she let him do what he wanted and needed, trying to be there for him when she could. She would sometimes hold him at night when he was sleeping; knowing that whatever he was dreaming was not pleasant. She would try to make things better for him.
"Hi," Seth made a small wave to her as he appeared in the family room. He sat down next to her on the couch. "What are you watching?"
Summer shrugged. "Nothing," she sighed and tried to come up with something to say. They did not talk much these days. They only shared short phrases and sometimes an 'I love you', but most of their communication was physical. It would just be a hug or a quick touch, and holding each other at night. And that had worked for the last couple of weeks. They had not spent enough time together for things to get weird. But now they were forced to.
Seth also seemed to sense the tension between them. He was the one who usually fled it, leaving the house or walking away before anything could turn into an actual conversation or a fight. He hated himself for abandoning her when he knew how much she needed him to be there. He hated the fact that she forced herself to be strong, how she hid her emotions and just accepted whatever he did. She never asked him where he left, or argued with him for not being home or helping with the twins. She just let him do whatever he wanted. And he hated that he let her.
Not knowing what else to say he quietly whispered what he was feeling. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Summer turned to face him, leaving the TV on a random channel.
"For disappointing you, I guess."
"Seth," Summer started with sadness in her voice. "I understand."
"Maybe, but I feel that I've let you down." He took a deep breath, just focusing on getting the words out, not thinking too much. "I just, I can't deal, Summer. And I know that I'm just making things worse for you."
Placing a hand on his shoulder, Summer reassuringly rubbed it with her thumb. "Seth, you're not."
Seth knew that she was lying, and once again trying to be the strong one, to make him feel better. "Summer, I- Maybe I should just go away for a while. You're all better off without me."
She did not know where this was coming from but figured that these walks made her husband think a lot. Maybe sometimes too much. He thought about the accident too much, and kept repeating things in his mind. Of course he had not told her that, but she knew. "Don't talk like that. You know I need you here."
"Summer, I can't be there for you," Seth said with raised voice, as he tried to suppress the lump in his throat. "Sometimes I can't even look at you, because I'm reminded of-"
"Seth, don't you dare leave me," Summer whispered, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. She was terrified that he would leave, that he would leave and not come back or even worse hurt himself. "It was an accident, Seth. You need to stop blaming yourself." She spoke the words that none of them had dared to say before. She knew that he blamed himself for what had happened. Taking both of his hands in hers, she looked into his watery eyes as a few tears slipped down her cheek. "I don't blame you. And I need you to understand that."
"Summer, how can you not blame me?" He let go of her hands, his own shaking. "I should have been there. I should have saved her." Tears ran down his cheeks by now and she could hear the panic in his voice. "I should not have let this happen. I should have been there for her, and I should be there for you. But I couldn't, and I can't!"
Summer fumbled with her words, knowing and fearing that once they talked about the accident it would not take long before one of them ran out of the room. It just seemed easier, to run rather than talk about it. She tried to stay calm though, desperately trying to make him understand. "Seth, it's not your fault. And all that matters now, is that we stick together."
Seth saw with his head in his hands, sobs racking through his body. Summer was not used to see him like this. He had been silent and depressed for months now. And even if it hurt to see him this messed up, at least he was finally allowing himself to show what really was the reason of why he was so distant. She hated talking about the accident and Lina as much as he did, but now she needed to clear things with her husband. No matter how much it would hurt, she had to do this for him. Because she could not have him punish himself any longer. She could not stand to have him like this, too see him hurting this way.
Careful but determined, Summer placed herself closer to him on the coach, sitting next to him and hugging him. "Seth, we will get through this together. I don't know how, but I promise we'll do it. You and me."
"Summer," Seth breathed and pulled her in a tight embrace, crying in her hair. Summer hugged him back with everything she had, knowing that there was nothing else she could do. She cried into his neck and knew that she could never get through this without her husband.
After having sat there for some time, rocking each other and crying together for the first time in a long time, Seth pulled away. His red and puffy eyes met hers, and she could almost see the pain he felt in his chest. "I'm sorry." He placed a lingering kiss on her forehead while brushing some tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs.
Then he left again. And she was not sure when he was coming back.
"You can do this," Summer said to herself as she entered the living room. She had taken a shower, got dressed and made sure that she looked her very best. She would not let herself break down once again.
So, Seth had left. First he had broken down in her arms and then he had left.
He would come back. He had to.
Pulling herself together Summer put a smile on her face. "Coop!"
Marissa Cooper turned around, seeing her best friend for the first time in weeks. Summer looked amazing as usual, and while searching her face there was no sign of sadness. Marissa knew though, that her friend always had been a very good actress, hiding her feelings well. "Sum, it's so good to see you."
The two friends hugged each other tightly. "I missed you, Coop."
"I missed you, too."
"Mommy," Isabelle came running into the room, jumping into her mother's arms.
"Hi, baby," Summer hugged the girl and sat down in an armchair while Marissa sat down on the sofa. "Did you have fun today?" The little girl nodded and snuggled into Summer's chest, obviously tired after an eventful day.
"I'm sure they're excited to see their grandparents again," Marissa said with a smile, happy that the whole family had finally come to visit.
Summer smiled. "Yeah, they're so excited." It felt good to be here, and that she made her babies happy. "But, tell me about you. How was your business trip?"
Marissa wondered how her friend could be so strong. Summer had always been stronger than herself. She had been through a lot, with her mom leaving her and her dad working all the time. But Summer had always done a very good job taking care of herself. Marissa just wished that Summer would not always have to be this strong. But, seeing as her friend did not want to talk about herself or her feeling, Marissa figured that the least she could do was to take Summer's mind off of everything. So she started to tell everything about her exciting trip to New York.
The night moved slowly, Summer relaxed around her friends and family and was glad to see her children so happy. Isaac had been in Ryan's lap for most of the night and Isabelle went from one person to the next. Summer knew that her kids had missed being around other people, they had missed being social. So, Summer let them enjoy themselves as she talked to her husband's family.
Throughout the whole night though, Summer could not stop thinking about Seth and wishing that he would be there. She had told everyone that Seth needed some alone time when they had asked, but she quickly changed the subject when they asked why or when he has coming back. Because she did not even know herself.
And the kids had not even asked about him. They were, unfortunately, too used to him not being around these days. Tonight, Summer was glad that they did not ask where their daddy was though. She was happy to just watch them have a good time with no worries whatsoever.
Summer hated to go to bed without him. She was used to it though, because he often came home late. But this night was different. Because she was not sure that he would come home at all. She had been pondering of whether or not to call him, but decided against it. He had said he needed time away, and maybe that was the truth. Maybe she could not do anything to help him.
She so desperately wanted to fix him. To make every bad feeling go away. She used to be able to do that. She used to be able to make him smile and laugh and care about nothing else than her. This was not anything she could take away though, she could not help him. And it made her heart ache even more, if that was possible, seeing the man she loved disappear and know that there was nothing she could do to stop it.
Olivia and Steel Magnolias1852, thank you for reviewing! Means that I get to update. I am almost finished with next chapter, so review please and I'll be quick to update!
