A Thousand Snowflakes

"Hey, Seth," Kirsten said while opening up a box of Christmas decorations. "Do you remember this?" She held up a home-made snowman. It looked ridiculous and you could tell that a child had made this.

Seth's eyes lit up though, and he went over to his mother. "My Snowman," he spoke with an excited tone of his voice while sitting down, taking the little white snowman into his hands.

Kirsten smiled. Her son had always enjoyed Christmas, or Chrismukkah, and he had made this snowman when he was about four years old. She could still remember when he had come home to show her, so proud of what he had made. Seth would always insist that he was the one hanging it in the tree, and it always had to be high up so that it wouldn't break. When he was little, Sandy would always have to hold him up while he found a perfect place for Snowman.

"Oh, Snowman," Summer copied Seth's enthusiasm and sat down beside him, looking at the little thing her husband had made such a long time ago.

Seth had made sure to tell Summer the story of Snowman; how he had made it and how he always had been the one to hang it in the tree and how everyone always had to be extra careful with it. It even had its own little box where it lay among the other decorations.

Kirsten watched the two of them, as they sat adoring the Snowman and then taking a few other things out of the box, Seth always making sure to tell Summer the story behind every piece. Some decorations did not even have a story, but to Seth they were all tradition. And tradition was very important to Seth.

For a moment Kirsten was reminded of how the two had been during high school, before moving away, getting married and having a family. Her son had had a crush on Summer Roberts forever, she was not sure why really. But everyone knew, and she and Sandy would often have to explain to their son that if Summer did not want to be his friend, they were always his friends. Seth never seemed to think that that was enough though, and kept talking about Summer.

So, Kirsten had been very thrilled, mixed with a bit of anxiety, as she had begun to see Summer in their home regularly. She had been glad for Seth, because she knew how long he had wanted this specific girl's attention. But she was also worried, that maybe he would get disappointed or hurt.

Summer turned out to be what Seth had always said about her though. And they had started to date. Her little boy had started to date, and started to call Summer Roberts his girlfriend.

He had grown up so fast once Ryan came. He had gone to parties, gotten drunk and been in trouble. He had sex, even though she had tried to suppress that from her mind. And he fell in love. For real.

She knew herself what it was like to find true love, and could therefore understand Seth's feelings toward Summer. And Summer was a great girl. No one could ever make her son happier.

She had always known that Summer did not come from a perfect family. She had her father who was very important to her. But the truth was that she had been very lonely growing up, and she would often live alone in that big house. So, naturally, Summer had started to spend a lot of time in the Cohen household. Not only because of Seth, but also because she needed someplace to feel safe and surrounded by people. She would mostly celebrate the holidays together with them, because her father worked and they usually just shared a dinner or something like that.

And Kirsten remembered seeing the two teenagers in the living room, surrounded by boxes of Christmas decorations. Seth would show Summer how they always did, how everything had its place. And Summer would smile and listen and enjoy the chance to celebrate the holidays the right way.

She would get equally excited as Seth talking about Chrismukkah, and they would go find a tree together and they would buy gifts together and Summer would smile widely as everyone sat around the tree ready to open all of the presents.

"Mom, remember this?" Seth took her out of her thoughts and placed a photograph in her hands. It was the picture of Ryan's first Chrismukkah; the Cohen family's official Christmas card.

Kirsten smiled, remembering when they had taken that picture. "That was a great year."

"Yeah, it was," Seth said emotionally and pulled an arm around Summer bringing her close to him, placing a kiss on her forehead.

That was the year Summer had started talking to him, and the rest was history.

Summer let a small laugh escape and let her head rest onto her husband's shoulder. "It was," she softly said and they all knew what she meant. It was the year she got to know the Cohen's, now her family.

The three of them were interrupted in their nostalgic by three other people entering the room, bouncing. Well, two of them were bouncing. Sandy was just half-running after Isaac and Isabelle.

Isaac fell laughing into his parents' lap where they sat close together. Summer startled to tickle him and he fell into even more laughter, his baby voice echoing through the room.

"Spin me again, grandpa," Isabelle begged and held her arms up to Sandy while jumping up and down. Sandy was never one to say no to either one of his grandchildren so he lifted the little girl up once again, swinging her from left to right. Isabelle giggled and hugged her grandpa close as he stopped with the spinning. "Lina used to spin me, but not this high," she enthusiastically breathed out, never noticing the tension as she mentioned her sister's name.

Seth felt Summer tightening beside him, and she let go of Isaac who was recovering from the tickling attack. Even though both Isabelle and Isaac had been laughing and the room had been everything but quiet, everyone had noticed the mentioning of that name. It had not been mentioned at all in the presence of Seth or Summer for weeks. Because every time they heard her name, neither seemed to be able to breathe.

Sandy broke the uncomfortable tension, gently putting Isabelle down to the flood. "So, anyone hungry?"

Kirsten quickly replied, feeling the need to save the situation as well. "Yes, come on kids, you can help me in the kitchen."

To Seth's surprise Summer also stood up, taking Isaac's hand in her own as they walked toward the kitchen. Trying to shrug the chill down her spine, she lifted him up into her arms and again let his laughter fill the air.


The rest of the day had gone by, and it had been nice. Seth and Summer had played together with the twins and it had been a good day. Isabelle had made Seth laugh, causing Summer to smile and pull her daughter into her arms, hugging the girl close.

Everything had been great. Until Isaac and Isabelle decided that they wanted to watch video tapes from when they were babies. Sandy and Kirsten had filmed all of the kids and kept the tapes in a specific drawer and every Christmas they usually watched these tapes. This Christmas, Kirsten had said no though and the drawer had discretely been emptied.

But that made Isaac and Isabelle throw a fight though and it ended with Sandy getting a photo album, thinking that they at least that way could still see pictures of them as babies but without upsetting Seth and Summer. Who this whole time had been at the store, collecting a few things for dinner.

It had not turned out to be such a great idea though, because the moment Seth and Summer returned from the store, their kids had been eager to show their parents the photo album. And Seth had tried to distract Summer, but of course she had wanted to see what they were doing and of course the album had been showing pictures of baby Lina and not the twins.

Sandy had quickly led Isaac and Isabelle out of the room, and Kirsten had tried to explain to Seth. He could not listen to her though, because Summer had immediately ran out of the room. And Seth had been left there in the family room with his mother, who looked terribly sorry.

"Excuse me," Seth wearily said, turning to go after his wife. He trusted his parents to take care of the kids, even while he did not ask them out load. Kirsten simply nodded and her facial expression told him that he should follow Summer, and that they would handle things in the house for as long as they needed to.

With big steps Seth walked out the front door to see where Summer had gone off to. He did not see her anywhere though but figured that no matter how fast she was she could not have come far, and his legs certainly would be able to reach her. As he walked down the driveway he spotted her down the road, and he quickened his pace.

Summer did not know where she was going. She just knew that she had to go, somewhere. She walked as fast as she could without running, her breathing heavy and the tears falling on her cheeks while she angrily wiped them away. She was tired of crying, and was angry with herself for doing it. It did not help.

She could feel how someone was behind her, walking with fast steps as well. And she knew it was Seth, even if it did take some time before he called out her name. "Summer." His voice was a little shaky and sad and it actually made her cry harder just hearing his voice.

Hearing Summer let a hiccup out, Seth ran the last short meters that separated them and turned her around, stopping her from rushing further while gently holding her arms. She met his gaze and he also wanted to cry seeing her tearstained face, and the desperate look in her watery eyes. He knew her better than anyone, and had learnt to recognize her different looks. This was nothing he was used seeing though; she would not get this way very often. She looked angry; she looked like she wanted to hit something.

Careful, knowing his wife could become violent, Seth pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around her. He knew that there was nothing he could say. Nothing could make her feel better, or take the pain away, or change what had happened to her.

She started to shake in his arms and cried uncontrollably to his chest, pressing herself hard against him. It even hurt when she dug her fingers into his back, but Seth let her. That was all that he could do. Just be there for her. Be the strong one. Something he knew he should have been every day these past weeks.

Guilt, sadness and a bunch of feelings went through Seth's body as he held his wife's shaking body. He was also angry, angry that she had to feel this way, that she would have to go through this. It was not fair. As if she had just read his mind he heard her talk into his chest. He did not fully hear the words but she was repeating sentences as "It's not fair," and "Why,".

It was not fair and he did not know why this was happening. So he just kissed her hair, letting his own tears fall into her hair, whispering, "I know, baby. I know."

Suddenly Summer pulled away and forced Seth's arms to let go of her. She stepped away from his embrace, angrily wiping at her tears that kept coming. Her breathing was staggering and she hiccupped every other moment.

"How could this happen, Seth?" She stamped her foot and violently threw her hands up in the air. "This can't-I'm not-No!" She cried hard and Seth tried to bring her close to him again, but she forced his arms away. "No, I am not allowing this to happen to us! She can't be-"

By this time, Seth was also having troubles with tears clouding his vision. But he just stood there, watching his wife break down. He let her scream at him, let her anger be thrown at him, and when she started to hit him, he did not stop her.

"It's not fair! Cohen, how could you let this happen," she yelled and flung her whole body against his, her fists hitting his chest. Seth, focusing on keeping his balance, took Summer's hands in his own, forcing her fists to open and her arms to go around his waist. "I hate- I hate you." Her whole body seemed to finally collapse in his arms and she would have fallen to the ground if he had not held her up with his arms.

She turned quiet in his arms, except from the soft crying, and leaned heavily against him. He rarely witnessed her rage blackouts, but recognized them as she afterwards would become numb and exhausted.

Scooping her up in his arms, he began to walk them down the road. He did not feel like going back to the house, and did not think Summer would like to be seen like this. She was still quiet, except from an uneven sob now and then, and he kept walking without talking and without looking down at her in his arms.

Seth was not sure for how long he had been walking, and he was not sure of how he had been able to carry Summer in his arms that long, but as he felt the sand under his feet he sat them down on the beach. He placed Summer between his legs and let her lean against his chest, his arms slightly wrapped around her. Her body was still numb and she just sat there where he had placed her.

They sat there quietly for several minutes, both of them bluntly gazing at the beach. It was quite cold but none of them seemed to care or notice. They just sat there, until Summer stirred and spoke, her voice hoarse. "What happened?"

Seth closed his eyes, leaning his chin on top of her head. "I don't know. You were angry," he simply said, not really knowing how to explain it to her. He did not understand how she could become that way sometimes, so angry and full of hate, and then not remember. But he knew that she did not have any power over it, and therefore there was no point in talking about it. It did not matter.

He could hear Summer sigh, and she turned around, facing him. Her hair had long ago fallen out from her hair band and it was messy and slightly damp from his and her tears. But it blew in the chill wind and he could not help but think that she looked beautiful. Even though her face was swollen, her makeup completely ruined and her eyes and nose red and puffy. He manages to give her a small smile, as she sat down cross-legged in front of him, his legs on either side of her and her hands moving to take his into her lap. "What did I do," she said just above a whisper, almost as if she was afraid to know the answer. Her eyes were growing glassy again and she looked at him with such uncertainty that he felt bad for her.

Seth leaned his head closer to hers and placed a kiss on her forehead, whispering against her face, "Everything's okay now, Summer. It doesn't matter."

"Thank you for being there. I'm sorry, whatever I said to you." Summer locked eyes with him, bringing one hand up to his cheek, caressing it lightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered again and felt her eyes water. She always got scared when she could not remember, and this time she felt as if she had said horrible things. Because she often did during rage blackouts.

"Don't be," Seth said while wiping away the single tear that escaped Summer's eye. "Just don't be, sorry."

Summer studied his face. He looked tired. His eyes were sad and she could see the trace of tears on his face. And suddenly she could not bear to look at him anymore, but just stood up on her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly, hugging him close. "I love you," she breathed into his neck while placing her lips just underneath his ear, kissing him there.

Seth did not say anything, but also held her close with his arms, placing his lips on the side of her face. She might not remember anything from the bottom of the driveway to the beach, but he did not have to tell her about it. She was in enough pain as it was. And there was no need to make her feel guilty or upset.

As Summer relaxed against him and sat down once again, her arms still around his body and her head snuggling into the crock of his neck, Seth became aware of how she was dressed in just a thin blouse and jeans. He was thankful that he had been able to wrap a light jacket over his shirt before going out to search for Summer. Opening the jacket, he pulled it around Summer best he could, having her pressed close to his body and trying to cover her small frame as much as possible.

"Seth?"

Seth made a 'hmm' sound, feeling her stir in his arms, welcoming his jacket and body heat. "Tell me about her," Summer softly said, hoping she was not going to make him want to leave. She was afraid of talking about their daughter, since just the mentioning of her name made both of them want to cry. But she needed him to talk to her. He was the only one who could understand how she felt, and who felt the same way. She had been their baby, and they had had known her for five years. Six if you counted the pregnancy, which they both had been thrilled throughout, anxious to meet their first baby.

She could hear Seth clear hid throat as she nervously waited for him to say something. As she held her breath, feeling her throat create a lump again, she started to regret asking him. But just as she felt like she would have to cry again, he spoke and made her calm somehow.

"She was just a baby. She was this small person, that I would look at and not understand how she could be ours. How we had created her. She was so precious, so perfect." Seth spoke with a stronger voice than she would have thought were possible. And he had a smile on his face, and kept rubbing circles on her back. He was so strong. Summer closed her eyes and focused on his voice as he continued. "She had your big dark eyes that I love, and she looked so much like you." Seth paused for a moment, kissing Summer's hair and tightening his hold of her. "And I would just love to look at her. I would feel overwhelmed that she was ours, you know. I never thought I could love someone so much, but the moment I saw her, when we were in the hospital and you held her in your arms, I knew that I would love her forever."

Summer felt the tears seep through her eyes once again, but did not bother wiping them away. She let them fall onto Seth's shirt; smiling as her husband spoke. She caressed his chest, drawing patterns on his shirt while enjoying his voice and the way he talked about her. She remembered that time as well, when she had been born and everything had been new and it had been overwhelming that she and Seth had a daughter. A tiny, perfect little daughter.

Breathing heavily, Summer noticed herself starting to talk. She wanted Seth to feel as safe and comforted as she did. They were the only people who could know what the other was feeling, because they had shared every moment with their baby girl. "When I first saw her I could not stop crying. Remember," she said and felt him nod against her head. "I had dreamt of having a baby with you for so long, but never prepared myself for what it would really mean. She had grown inside of me, and she was me and you, and then we had her in our arms. And she was all I ever had dreamt of or could have hoped for, and more. It was the happiest day of my life." Summer continued, her voice turning shaky. "I always knew that you would be a great father, but when I saw you with her, I was amazed. You loved her so much, and she loved being around you. She could not have had a better father than you, Seth."

To those words it was Seth's turn to break down, and he cried into her hair as Summer hugged him close. Her words went straight to his heart, touching his insides so much that it hurt. He breathed out a few sobs and desperately held onto his wife as she cried and was whispering words of comfort into his ear, mixed with declarations of how great of a father he had been and how lucky she had been to have him as the father to her children and how Lina had loved him so much.

Summer knew that it was something Seth pondered about. Had he been a good father? Had he done something wrong? Had he not been grateful enough? Was there anything he could have done to prevent her death?

And she so desperately wanted him to stop blaming himself. Because he had been such a good father, and there was nothing he could have done. There was nothing no one could have done. She did not understand why it had happened. And because it was no one's fault there was no one to blame. Because it had been an accident. A horrible accident, but an accident nonetheless.

Thank you again for the reviews! I know I don't have a lot of readers these days, but it means a lot to just have three people reviewing. Olivia, Rewierwerforleyton and SteelMagnolias1852 - thank you! Keep reviewing and I promise to update! Also, look for updates on other stories of mine as well. -June