A Thousand Snowflakes

"Hi, Cohen," Summer softly said and made her way from the bathroom to where he was sitting. He was sitting on their bed, with his boxers on and a plain t-shirt.

Seth gave her a hint of a smile and welcomed her position on his lap by wrapping one arm around her robe clad waist. "Morning," he whispered and placed a kiss on her cheek. She smelled like flowers and summer and he would have buried his face in her hair if it wasn't wet from her shower.

"How are you," Summer gently asked while delicately tracing her fingers along his jaw line.

Simply playing with the fabric of her robe, Seth looked into her chocolate brown eyes, her concern obvious. "I'm alright." He tightened his arm around her slightly, as if to reassure her. "How are you?"

"Good," Summer said and even though she was not really good, she felt better than usual anyway. And that had to be good these days. "Are we, uhm, good," she carefully asked, uncertainly meeting his eyes.

"Yeah, of course." Seth stroked her arm up and down, looking at her with his kind eyes. "Why wouldn't we be?"

Summer turned to look at their hand in her lap. "Just checking, I guess."

Seth searched her eyes, waiting for a further explanation.

"It's just that, these last couple of weeks have been hard. And we've both tried our best to cope," Summer sighed, fumbling with her robe.

"And," Seth said, trying to encourage her. Summer had never been too comfortable when it came to talking about her feelings. So he knew that most of the time, she would need some time and for him to be patient and just listen.

"And, well, we did not do it as a team really. And I was afraid that maybe you didn't want to-" She interrupted herself as she felt her voice start to crack. For some reason this affected her more than she had known, and she had not exactly expected this conversation to go in this direction. So, with an effort to make the lump in her throat go away, she took a deep breath and became silent.

Seth, not too comfortable about the situation either, did not say anything either. But in an effort to comfort his wife he pulled her a bit closer to him, his hand reaching up to her head and pulling it down to rest on his shoulder. He had noticed her trembling voice that he knew she tried to hide; he knew her so well that he had learned to recognize her voice like that. Sometimes, Summer was still so stubborn when it came to moments like these; when she became vulnerable. Even though she had let her walls down for him over the past years, she still felt uncomfortable when weak.

Since Summer did not continue, Seth began to talk. He was not sure if that was the right thing to do, but figured he would take the chance of saying the right words. "You've been so good to me." Seth kissed her hair, his hand stroking her back in that way he knew she liked. "I know I've been distant. But that doesn't mean that I don't want us to talk now, or be together. You're my wife, Summer. We're in this together, even though I've had a funny way of showing it lately."

Summer let out a sigh and closed her eyes. "Oh, Cohen. I needed to hear that."

Her voice was emotional and he figured that he actually had spoken the right words. Smiling, he placed another kiss on her temple. "I love you."

"I know," Summer mumbled into his shirt.

A second later Seth spoke again. "So, do you forgive me?"

"Of course," Summer breathed out in a soft voice.

"And you don't hate me?"

Summer raised her head from its place on his shoulder, watching him with a questioning look on her face. "What? Of course not. I love you, Cohen."

She leaned in and placed a light kiss on his lips, before touching the spot where her head had been resting. His shirt now had a dark spot caused by her wet hair. "Hey, Cohen," Summer said while moving a hand up to rest on his neck.

Seth made a 'hmm' sound, his own hand going up to her shoulder, gently threading his fingers through the dark hair. He had always loved her hair, and not just because it looked great together with his, but because it was soft and long and beautiful.

Summer continued. "Will you promise me something?"

"Anything," he whispered while meeting her eyes, his fingers still in her hair.

"Promise that you will come to me. Even if you don't want to talk. We can just, you know, feel together or whatever. I just really need you here." She spoke with a touch of uncertainty and he found her beautiful as she searched for the right words to describe her feelings.

He leant his forehead against hers, gently resting it there while mumbling, "Yeah."

"You know that, right? That I need you. I need you so much, Seth. You're the only one who can understand. You're the only one I can run to. You're the only one I can do this with," Summer choked out and let her tears fall. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him close, breathing hard against his neck as a few more tears fell.

Summer was right. She would never be able to get through this if she was alone. She would not be able to do it with support from her friends. Even if that helped, and their family helped, she could never do it without Seth by her side. Because as much as she was able to put a smile on her face and act like things were good, she needed to break down in someone's arms afterwards. She needed to let that out and no one other than Seth would make her feel safe enough to do that. No one other than Seth could make her feel loved even though she screamed at him, and make her feel like things would be okay even if she cried like a baby in his arms. She would never let herself show her real emotions, the real Summer – both good and bad – to anyone other than her husband.

Because Seth would accept her no matter what she did, what she said or what she felt. That was something she could feel deep down, and it was the core of their strong connection. She knew that he would always love her, the real person she was. Because Seth had seen that person from the beginning, even when she did not even know herself who she was. Seth had always seen the beauty in her though, and he had accepted her despite her flaws. He had loved her flaws, and everything she felt self conscious about he made okay.

"I promise, Summer." Seth held her tight and also let her closeness comfort him. While in their embrace Seth understood where all this was coming from, why Summer was so upset. She was afraid to lose him. He still felt guilt building up every time he remembered that summer when he had left for Portland. It had taken him years to understand how it had affected Summer; how people leaving affected her. And he hated that he had hurt her so much, and he had sworn to never do anything like that ever again.

Just the thought that Summer was afraid that he would leave again made his eyes fill with tears. God, he could be stupid sometimes. Stupid and selfish. He had not thought about any deeper meaning to it every time he would tell Summer that she would be better off without him. And recently, he had told her several times that everyone would be better off if he left. While kissing the side of her face, he realized that Summer had not once told him how she felt about it. She had been her usual self and been understanding and loving. But she must have hurt, and he had been too self-absorbed and focused on his own grief to notice.

"I'm here, Sum. I won't leave. I won't leave you. I promise." He whispered those phrases over and over into her hair, while gently rocking her body.

Summer desperately clung to him, pressing her face into his neck. She was a bit overwhelmed by her emotions, not having understood how deep her abandonment issues still were. All her life she had struggled with people leaving, and then Seth had left her on his boat that summer and it had reminded her of losing her own mother. She had thought she was past all that now. Though losing her father and then her daughter did not exactly make things better. And the fear of losing someone else was stronger than ever. Because she could not lose anyone else now. If she did, she was sure she was going to die.

Hearing him uttering those words brought relief to her. Even though she knew that losing people seemed to happen beyond her control. Her father had had a heart attack, and Lina had been killed in an accident. Not everyone left because they wanted to, she knew that, or because they did not love her. It still helped a little knowing that Seth did not want to leave though.

After a while of just sitting there they heard some water splashing and realized that the twins were probably out by the pool with Sandy and Kirsten. Summer sat up, wiping her eyes a little and giving Seth a smile. "Thanks," she gently said. "I didn't think I would react like this." She let an embarrassed laugh out, motioning to her face.

Seth only smiled though, carefully stroking her cheek with his thumb, erasing all signs of tears. "Hey," he softly said and tilted her head slightly so that she met his eyes. "I'm here for things like this. Okay?"

"Okay," Summer repeated. "I love you, Cohen. You're the best."

"I love you, too. And you are the best, Summer. You always will be." His words came out a little cheesy, but he meant them. Seth grinned as Summer smiled, stood up and began to pick out an outfit to wear from the wardrobe. She threw him a blue shirt and laid a pair of pants on the bed together with a pair of clean boxers. As she dropped the robe she offered him a sweet smile, knowing his reaction seeing her in her underwear by heart.

They dressed themselves in silence, used to the routine. Summer matched Seth's blue shirt with a purple blouse and put a gold bracelet on before she headed for the bathroom to dry her hair.

"Hey, Sum," Seth called out before she disappeared, causing her to abruptly stop in the doorway. "I just wanted you to know that I need you. I need you, too."

A smile spread on Summer's face and she could not help but let out a content sigh. She sure had a husband who was good with the words. Sometimes he said the sweetest things to her, and he seemed completely unaware of the fact that he looked adorable to her being so sincere. After all these years, he still could make her feel so special.


That day Summer spent with Kirsten and Marissa at the mall, doing some Christmas shopping together with the twins. Christmas shopping had always been a favorite thing among the three women, since that meant an extra excuse to do one of the things they enjoyed most; shop and spend money. It was natural for them all, having grown up in Orange County.

Isaac and Isabelle were not very fond of shopping, but the mall offered a lot of fun things for them. Marissa had bought them each a stuffed animal which entertained them for a while. And then there were the ice cream stop, and they got to ride on the small carousel with Kirsten while Summer and Marissa went from store to store.

They all had had a great time, and it was almost like going back in time. Summer enjoyed the shopping and was in a good mood. She had had a smile on her face for the most part and even laughed a few times. Both Kirsten and Marissa had been thrilled and been happy to help with the twins, determined to make the day good for Summer.

Seth had decided to spend the day sailing, something he had not done for a long time. And he always liked being on his boat, feeling freedom out there on the water. Summer had first tried to make him come with them to the mall, but figured that sailing would be a better activity for him this day. She knew how much he loved it and figured that he could need it. She had shopping and he had sailing. And they could both use to do something fun and which made them relax.

Once arriving back at the Cohen's house though, she was very eager to show him everything she had bought though. Most things were Christmas gifts for the twins but she had also found a few things for herself and for him. She specifically had a shirt for him that she wanted him to try it on right away.

"Hey, Sandy," she said as she dropped her bags on the sofa. The twins ran through the room, still energetic from all of the sugar they had consumed that day, and she let a giggle out as Sandy pretended to be a monster and made them shriek happily. "Is Seth back yet?"

"No, not yet." Sandy laughed and made his way from the kitchen doorway to the three women. "You've done some shopping I see," he raised his eyebrows and looked at the bags Summer had dropped on the sofa, and the bags Kirsten and Marissa dumped on the floor.

"Oh, Sandy." Kirsten smiled and gave him a light peck on his lips. "It's Chrismukkah."

"Yeah, yeah." Sandy smirked and placed an arm around his wife's waist, leading her towards the kitchen. "Should we start dinner?"

Kirsten nodded, turning her head to Summer and Marissa. "Will you two make sure the boys get back home? We're starting dinner."

Marissa pulled her phone up from her purse. "Sure. I'll call Ryan. He's probably just finishing work."

Summer did the same, dialing Seth's number.


Summer sat out by the pool later that night, after dinner. It had turned dark and Seth still had not come back. She had called him several times but without success. And now she was getting very anxious. It was not like Seth to not call her when she left him messages and showed she was worried - not even nowadays – and this bothered her. What if he had decided to leave after all? Or even worse, what if something had happened to him? He could not be sailing in the dark, could he?

"Mommy," a voice said and made Summer blink and turn her face from the pool. Isabelle approached her, dressed in her pink pajama and with her teddy bear tightly pressed to her chest. Seth had given her that bear when she was born. Isaac had one just like that, but his was beige while Isabelle's was brown. Isaac did not pay much attention to his teddy bear, but Isabelle always had it with her, sleeping with it every night.

Summer opened her arms for the little girl. "Hi, baby," she whispered into the Isabelle's hair as she snuggled into her mother's chest. "You tired?"

Kissing the brown curls of her daughter's head she felt Isabelle nod and relax in her embrace. Summer gently rocked the girl, pulling her close to her. She let herself be comforted by the closeness of her daughter, rocking her for a while before the girl fell asleep.

"We should get you to bed, baby girl." Summer stood up a little ungracefully and cradled the girl in her arms. Isabelle was still quite small but she was getting heavier than Summer were used to. Her little girl, who always had been so little, was getting bigger. And when not having Lina the twins did not seem as much like little babies anymore.

Isabelle's arms went around Summer's neck, her short legs around Summer's waist as they climbed the stairs. She laid Isabelle in her bed, tucking the covers carefully around her.

Isaac was already in bed and Summer figured that Sandy or Kirsten had tucked him into bed and read him a story, since there was a book on the bedside table. The boy breathed heavily and Summer took the comforter away so that he was only covered by a thin sheet. She knew her son tended to sweat during the night, and since he had a warm pajama she knew that he would not get cold. Summer kissed his soft cheek and threaded her fingers through his curls. Isaac really was a miniature of Seth.

Summer then turned to her daughter again, who by now had snuggled into the pillow, her teddy bear under her arm. "Sweet dreams." She kissed Isabelle's forehead before walking out the door, leaving one small lamp lit and the door slightly ajar.

Just outside the door Summer bumped into Kirsten, who apparently had gone looking for her. "They asleep?"

Summer nodded and they quietly walked a few meters away from the door to the twins' room. "Thanks for tucking Isaac in," Summer started. "I lost track of time sitting outside after dinner."

Kirsten placed one arm on top of Summer's. "We love having them here, Summer. I've really missed them. And you."

Summer offered a smile in reply and the older woman wrapped her daughter-in-law into a big hug. Kirsten wanted to ask about Seth, but was afraid to seeing as she had asked a few times that night already and Summer did not seem to have any answers. So, she just hugged the brunette and hoped that it would offer her some comfort.

"I'm worried about Seth," Summer quietly said into Kirsten's shoulder. Summer was afraid. Seth had promised not to abandon her only this morning and she could somehow sense that he had not left. So where was he?

Kirsten placed her hands on each of Summer's arms and looked into her eyes. She could see the worry in them, and she swore she would have to have a firm talk with Seth once he got home. Because she knew how fragile Summer was and how much she did not need anything else to worry about than what was already on her plate. "I know, sweetie. Let's go call him again. Okay?"

Summer nodded and let herself be led down the stairs and into the family room, unconsciously leaning against Kirsten. They sat down on the sofa and Kirsten placed the phone in Summer's hands. As Summer did not do anything but stare at the phone though, Kirsten took it into her own hands. "I can call him if you want." It was more of a statement than a question and she quickly dialed Seth's number, placing the phone against her ear.

Summer waited and she felt disappointment run through her body as Kirsten did not say anything into the phone. Seth was not picking up.

"Seth. It's your mother. Where are you? We're all worried about you. Please just call and let us know that you're alright." Kirsten shot Summer a look before continuing. "I'm serious, Seth. Okay. Love you. Bye."

Summer frowned and leaned back against the cushions. She had a weird feeling, and what felt like a stone in her stomach. Seth.

"Come back to me, Cohen," she whispered and felt Kirsten take her hand.

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