A/N: Alright so for the sake of my story let's just say that Forks is only 30 minutes away from Seattle. Go with it. I got a few requests for some Epov after that lovely one liner from the last chapter so I hope you like being inside his head for a while.
Edward
I can't believe she actually came. She met me, she's here. I don't even know how to handle this now. I didn't think she'd show up, I really thought she'd find some way to avoid me.
As she gets into the car I try to keep my eyes on the steering wheel, I want to look at her body as she slides into the leather seat. I want to stare at her long legs and creamy white skin. I want to just memorize every single part of her.
I can't. She's engaged. Shes getting married basically tomorrow.
It kills me to think of that. To think that I've lost her. Which I have, I've lost her forever.
I wanted her to have that though, I wanted her to be away from me, be safe from the horrible things I do. I left and I wanted her to move on, I prayed someone would come along and take care of her. Apparently my prayers were answered with Mike. I hope he makes her happy.
I don't think he does.
He looks like a douche bag.
I don't want him to take care of her, I want to.
When I got her invitation In the mail my entire world just crashed. I broke my right hand from punching the brick wall in my apartment so many times. I drank so much beer I forgot what day it was. I didn't eat anything, I wasn't hungry. I didn't leave my apartment for a week. I couldn't.
It wasn't until that moment that I had realized that I had lost her.
And it hurt like fucking hell.
The pain in my chest that had been there since I left grew stronger. It no longer felt like there was just a hole, it now felt like someone was ripping me apart, piece by piece.
I stopped talking to my parents and the few friends I had. I was living in Chicago, I had moved here the second I left her. I needed to give myself distance, make sure it wasn't an easy drive to get back. If it had been I wouldn't have been able to stay away as long. I had hooked up with girls but never really had a relationship. I had tried once to do it, to just get over her and have someone else. It didn't work. Instead it made me feel so guilty and ashamed. I felt like I had just cheated on her, I hated myself. It took me months to get over it and finally accept the fact that I would always love Isabella.
I never asked about her to my parents, I didn't want to know. Well, I did I just didn't want them to know I did. It was a stupid game I would play with them. I would ask them how things were hoping that they'd tell me about Isabella without realizing it but they knew. They knew what I wanted to know and they held it from me. They would barely mention her, saying she comes over a lot but never going into details. I know its because they wanted me to man up and ask about her legitimately but I could never bring myself to do so. I had always wanted to ask how she was doing, what she looked like now, did she have a boyfriend, was she okay? I never knew the answers though. I'm not even sure how she got my address, I assume from Esme.
I wonder if they told her things about me? Especially with all the time she spent with them. I wonder what they told her about why I moved to Chicago. They don't know the truth, they just think they do.
I decided to come to her rehearsal dinner only a few days after receiving the invitation. I don't know what made me want to go but I just thought that I had to. I convinced myself that I could do it, that I would be there for her.
And this Mike Newton character. I had already wanted to beat the shit out of him the second I saw his name next to hers on the invitation. I had thought that he must be nice because she wouldn't end up with an asshole. Still, I didn't want to send the RSVP back to her. I wanted to just wait and see how I felt about it all when it got closer. I wanted to make sure she didn't count on me being there.
I mean, she had sent me the invitation, that must mean something. Although, it was to her marriage so maybe she just wants to be friends?
Friends.
Could I even be just friends with her?
No, I couldn't. I don't picture myself ever being able to watch her with another man.
Especially when we always had so much more than anyone ever has. Our relationship was intense and all consuming.
I need to tell her.
Bella
As he drives away I start getting excited about this whole thing. I'm sneaking off with Edward in the middle of the night. This can't be real.
I put my shoes and purse in the back seat and I feel the buzzing from our proximity to each other as I do so. We're only inches apart, his arm almost touching mine. I notice that he changed out of his back dress shirt and pants. He's wearing a black v neck and jeans. My eyes travel down the v and to the hard planes of his chest. God, I still want him to take his shirt off. No, I can't. His arms are now exposed and I can see that he's still muscular, but in a subtle way. I want to rub my arm against his, feel skin on skin once again. I hesitate though and end up just moving back into my seat. The pain in my chest has gone away now that I'm close to him, I love that.
"Where are we going?" I say to distract myself from fantasizing anymore. I don't even know what he wants to talk about tonight.
"I have one idea but I don't think it's a very good one."
"What is it?"
"My parent's house." I look over at him as he drives, my mind is running in circles.
"What?" I freeze. Go to his parents house? To talk? What?
"I'm staying with them while I'm here." Of course he is, I should have known that. We stop at a red light as he speaks and he looks over at me. His green eyes glowing in the street lights. "I don't know where else to take you Isabella. I doubt you'll want to be seen with me."
"Oh. I don't think I thought about people seeing us I'm-"
"Its okay, I know you shouldn't be seen with me, I get it. "
"So you want to go to your parent's house?"
"Yes. They'll be asleep, you won't need to worry about talking to them. Plus they'd leave us alone anyways."
"Okay, let's go then." I said it before I could talk myself out of this. I wanted to be with him right now and I didn't want him bringing me back to my house.
"Seriously?"
"Yes. Why are you so surprised?" Did he really think I'd say no. I mean part of me wanted to but I could never do that to him.
"I just-." He lifted his hand off the steering wheel and over towards me, as if he wanted to rub my leg, before putting it back on the wheel. I wanted him to touch me, I wanted the connection, I craved it. "I'm just still amazed you're here with me right now."
There really isn't anywhere else I'd rather be. I want to say that but I don't. I don't know what he's looking for out of tonight and I don't want to ruin it with my thoughts.
"Are you sure they're sleeping?"
"Yes, they went home directly after you and I left tonight." I enjoyed the you and Ipart of that sentence more than I should. He did leave with me, he saved me from Mike.
"I'm sorry how our dance ended." I apologize because it was wrong of Mike do to such a thing and because I didn't want our dance to end.
"Its alright, Mike is protective of his fiancé , its understandable. I'd be the same way." He'd be the same way? As in with me or in general? I'm too scared to ask.
"How did you find me?"
"You mean in the parking lot?"
"Yes."
"When he pulled you away I figured it was my cue to leave."
"You hadn't even been there five minutes."
"Actually I had been there about an hour, no one really noticed me and you were gone most of that time."
"Oh. I was um- having some trouble."
"With what?" He sounded genuine and sincere, like he was so concerned at what trouble I was having. I didn't know if I wanted to tell him. He must have sensed my hesitation; "How about we hold off on talking about anything too serious until we get there?"
"Okay." That sounded so good, I didn't want to have this conversation or any like it right now. I wanted to get to the house so we would have some space to breathe, I could go to the bathroom if I needed to freak out. In a car, I had no place to go.
"How far away is your parent's house?" I asked, trying to switch the subject.
"Not far, only thirty minutes." The thought of being in a car with him for that long made me nervous. I didn't know what to do.
Edward
I kind of wish I had planned this out better. We were going to my parents house, well, my old house. We have memories there. That could either take this night one way or the other. I didn't even want to think about that could mean.
I also hadn't thought about the ride to their house. What could we talk about that didn't involve things we were avoiding? Everything we'd say would lead us right back to that. The only safe subject seemed to be the weather.
"So do you still enjoy the rain?" I hadn't been back here in a while and I had forgotten about how much rain they had here.
"You're asking me about the weather?" She sounded quite amused with the fact that I was asking about the rain.
"Yeah, I guess I am. I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" I rubbed my hand over my face before moving it over towards her. I wanted to touch her, console her, but I didn't. I placed my arm against the arm rest instead, my fingers twitching to touch her.
"Isabella, there are many things I am sorry for when it involves you." I heard her breath shake as I said her name. I hoped she realized that I meant it. I would try as hard as I could to explain to her how sorry I am but I don't know if she'd accept it. She didn't have to, I would completely understand if she could never forgive me.
Her breathing was giving away her nerves, I felt bad. I made her nervous. She probably was wondering at this very moment why she ever decided to get in the car with me. I know I'm going to fuck this up. She didn't say a word to me.
I need to just tell her how I feel, not walk around it like a pussy.
I jumped when I felt her tiny hand grab mine between us, squeezing tight before pulling back. She placed her hand back in her lap.
For the first time since I left I finally felt something.
Hope.
Bella
We drove the rest of the way in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable. The humming between us was strong. I don't know why I grabbed his hand, I wanted to keep it there. The second our hands touched I was instantly happier, calmer. I loved that feeling, I had missed it so much. Though being with him dulled it down so low I almost couldn't feel it, touching him completely took it away. Instead of keeping the connection though, my common sense took over and I decided that it wasn't the best idea so I pulled back. He didn't give me much of a response, he probably thought I was crazy.
As we pulled up to his parent's house I could feel myself tense up. I got out barefoot and left my shoes in the car, grabbing my purse only. I didn't want to put those heels back on, they annoyed me anyways.
This was going to be my last chance to talk to him, to actually say things I've wanted to for so long. I hoped that I'd be able to do it.
We walk into the house and its dark, his parents are sleeping. Thank God. I don't think I could have faced them tonight. I wish I wasn't still wearing this damn dress though, its not me. I feel uncomfortable and completely overdressed next to Edward.
Without saying a word he walks me upstairs and to the right, I know where we're going. My heartbeat races, we're going to his room.
He opens the door to his room and walks towards the middle before turning around to me. I stand in the doorway, not moving. This can't be real. I haven't been in this room since he left. This room is full of memories of us. Talking , kissing, cuddling, everything. Everything looks the same, the furniture is in the same place, the walls are the same blue color, its still slightly messy. Its completely Edward.
I missed this room so much over the years, trying desperately to remember how it looked, what it smelled like, what it felt like to lay in his bed. I gave myself to him in this room, both of our first times. Then over and over again. This isn't just some place we hung out, it has meaning. Now that I'm here, it doesn't seem real. I don't know whether to pretend I've never been here before or act like I never left.
I look over at him and he now has his head now, he's looking at the floor with his hands in his pockets. He doesn't know what to do either.
"It looks the same." I whisper, staying in the doorway.
"It hasn't been touched since I left." He lifted his eyes and met mine. Green. So much green. I wanted to walk to him, to touch him.
"Oh." I leaned against the door frame, I didn't know what to say. Did that mean that he hadn't been back here either? I pulled my arms across my stomach. That usually meant that the pain was unbearable, now it was me protecting myself. I didn't know what he wanted out of tonight and I don't think my heart could take it.
He moved to walk towards me, slowly, as if I'd run away if he went too fast. Maybe that's what I looked like, a scared bird ready to fly away at a sudden movement. He held his hand out and grabbed mine, wrapping his long fingers around mine.
"Isabella please don't be afraid of me right now, please. I need you." He was begging me. He seemed nervous. Why would he be nervous?
"You need me?" I whispered. I didn't believe him, he can't
"Yes."
"Edward, don't do this." Don't hurt me again.
"Please, just come and sit. I'll talk you don't have to if you don't want to." I nodded and he walked me over to his bed. I sat down on the edge, he sat beside me with our legs touching. I put my purse on the floor beside me and clasped my hands in my lap.
"I don't think I can handle this. I thought I could but I don't think I can." I whispered, I was panicking.
"I know I'm going to say the wrong thing to you, you must hate me. I wouldn't blame oyu if you did. Just please stay with me for a little bit. I have so much I want to say to you, so much I've wanted to say to you for a long time."
"Like what?"
"Like that I'm so sorry." I turned my head to look into his eyes, they were consuming me, trying to tell me things I couldn't decode. He was saying sorry. I could feel the burn in mine, signaling the tears that were threatening to flow. No, I couldn't cry. I couldn't stop it though, so much emotion was coming to the surface.
I felt one slip down my cheek, betraying me instantly.
I looked down and away from his eyes, I can't believe we had barely started a conversation and I was already crying. I felt his hand touch my chin and pull my face up. He was only inches away from me, his thumb wiping away my tears that were now flowing down my face.
"Please don't cry, I hate seeing you cry." I'm leaning into his hands as I cry. Its ironic really, I'm looking for the strength and support from one of the people who put me in this mess.
"You left me. You just left me. You didn't even tell me you wanted to go, no goodbyes, no warning, nothing." I mumbled and hoped he could understand my words, the pain I had.
"I know." He kept brushing the tears off my cheeks as he spoke. "I can never tell you how sorry I am for that, ever. I will never be able to tell you how much that hurt me, how hard that was for me. Though, I'm sure my pain was nothing compared to what you felt. It hurts me Isabella, seeing you like this, it hurts so fucking bad." I could see his eyes begin to water, was he going to cry too?
"I'm so sorry, baby." He whispered and before he could catch it I saw a tear fall down his face. He called me baby. My heart jumped at his words, he could do this to me again. I can't take it.
"No, don't do this to me. I can't handle it. I wont survive another time. My heart is already broken from you, I never recovered. You don't get to do it again."
"I'm not trying to Isabella, don't you see that?"
"See what? I don't even know if you have a girlfriend or not. I know nothing about you."
"I do not have a girlfriend, I have not had one, since you." My breathing hitched, since me. What did that mean? He still wanted me? Loved me? No, that can't be true.
"You could be playing with me once again, waiting for the perfect moment to leave me and break me into pieces."
"You don't believe that, tell me you don't. You think that everything that happened before was me playing you? Waiting till you had fallen for me before leaving you?" He immediately stood up, pulling at this hair and pacing in front of me.
"I don't know anymore, Edward." At my words, he stopped and dropped his hands from his hair. I couldn't tell if I had upset him or not. All of a sudden he turned towards me walking up to me and falling to his knees. He put his hands on my hips, his eyes burning. The tears kept falling down my face, I couldn't stop them.
"Isabella Marie Swan, I love you." I couldn't breathe. He loves me. This isn't happening. His voice is full of emotion, you can hear how choked up he is just by saying that out loud.
"I have never stopped loving you. You've always been the only one on my mind, the only one I want. I have messed up so terribly in the past that I don't think you want me anymore but God knows I want you. All of you. I miss you every single day. I've been so lost without you, I need you. Please Isabella, I need you." He paused before continuing. I was speechless.
"I need you to know this, I need you to know what you mean to me. I need you to know that I want you back. I need you to know this even if you hate me now, even if you want to never speak to me again. I'll completely understand either way, I promise. I'll prove myself to you if you give me the chance. "
I didn't know what to say.
He still loved me.
He wanted me back.
That is something I always wished he'd say but I never thought would happen.
My head is spinning. He feel of him against my bare legs, his hands touching my hips, his eyes, his words. Its all too much. My mind is trying to form a sentence, something to say to make him realize how much I want this. I love him too, I always have.
"I'm getting married tomorrow." Its all that comes out of my mouth and I instantly regret it. What am I doing? My heart is screaming at me, what am I doing?
"Yes, you are." He says, his voice is much colder than before. He drops his hands from my waist and stands up. "I'm sorry again Isabella, I shouldn't have said anything. It wasn't my place to do so, especially when you're engaged."
No. Stop him from saying that. You love him. Go after him.
I can't move. I stay on his bed as he walks over and sits on a chair a few feet away. What did I just do? I mean, I love him, I know I do. He hurt me though. A lot.
"Edward."
"Its fine. I can bring you home now if you want."
"No!" I answer too quickly.
I jump up from the bed and walk over to him. I pull his head up by his chin and look into his eyes, they're wet from tears just like mine.
"Kiss me."
"No Isabella."
"Why not?"
"You're just stated that you're getting married. No matter what I say to you that doesn't change. I'm not going to have you cheat on your fiancé because of me. I'm sorry I said any of those things to you, I shouldn't have. I don't expect you to feel the same. Don't feel bad for me right now, I'll just take you home."
"Edward, please, I want you to kiss me." I lean down to press my lips against his and he puts his hands on my shoulders, stopping me. Denying me once again. I feel the tears burning my eyes again. "That's not true."
"What's not?"
"I do feel the same."
"About me?"
"Yes."
"No you don't. You just think you do because I've made a fool of myself. I'm not putting words into your mouth. You said exactly what I should have been thinking the entire time I was talking to you, you're getting married. You're taken, you've moved on." He was about to keep going when I stopped him.
"Edward, stop!" I almost yelled it at him. "Can't you see what you've done to me? You hurt me so fucking badly you have no idea. You broke me. I can't even function on a daily basis without breaking down and crying. I was in the bathroom tonight because of you, then you just show up out of no where and now you're telling me you want me back. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm lost."
"I'm lost too. I can't do this without you, Isabella. I can't keep going through everyday thinking about how fucking stupid I am for letting you go."
I hesitated, wondering if I should speak these words out loud. It would have been the first time in years that I've voiced my thoughts on him. It scared me and thrilled me. It make me shake and my heart soar. I could finally say what I've had pent up inside. I could do this.
"I love you Edward, still." I breathed out, feeling like a weight had been lifted. "I never stopped."
"You don't know how much that means to me to hear that." He mumbled, I don't think he knew what to say. I didn't blame him, part of me couldn't believe I had said it. I had just complicated things more than I even meant to.
"I just, I don't know what to do." I admitted, hating myself for saying it out loud.
"Isabella, I need to prove to you that I mean it." What would he do? Keep saying my name. " That I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to."
I could hear the hurt in his voice but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I didn't know if he would break me again, I still didn't even know why he had left me in the first place.
All I knew was that he loved me and I loved him.
Edward
I haven't lost her completely.
At least not yet.
I still have time, even if its only a day.
I need to make this day count.
Bella
There's so much light coming into the room, why didn't I shut my curtains last night? I always do. I must have forgotten because of everything that happened with Edward. I miss him already, that's bad. I've been dreaming of him all night, dreaming I'm tucked into his side, him holding me against him. I dreamt that I couldn't wrap myself into him enough.
I'm tucked under the covers, I can still smell Edwards scent on me. I inhale deeply and make sure it fills my senses. I don't want to forget it. Thankfully I'm not in that uncomfortable dress anymore, just a shirt and underwear. I never dress like that to go to bed, I must have been really out of it.
My mind tries to think of everything that happened last night but I'm half asleep and it doesn't work. There was so much said last night that I can still feel my heart reacting from it.
I feel Mikes arm around me and the length of his body against mine. I'm laying on my side, my arm over his torso and my legs intertwined with his. We never sleep like this. It's too intimate for us. We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed, always have. It feels so good though, with his arms against me and his shorts leave his legs bare. His skin against mine is heavenly. My heart instantly remembers Edward and how amazing he used to feel against me. How soft his skin was, how close he'd keep me, never wanting to let go.
It makes me hate what I'm doing right now. I don't like it, I'm still mad at Mike. I guess he ended up coming home and crawling into bed with me, so much for staying away from him. I go to pull away from him and get up and he pulls me in closer. His arms tighten as his fingers are wrapped around my waist. I realize that I am feeling no pain in my chest right now. Did last night with Edward help me? I lift my head to tell him to move, I don't want him to cuddle me, but when I turn my head I don't see Mike.
I see Edward.
A/N: Reviews are better than Edward telling you he loves you.
