A/N: I can't believe how many people have been putting this story on alert! Thank you!

Bella is very scattered with her emotions and her decision making skills so pretty please bare with her.

I want to do a soundtrack for this fic because I have so many good songs for it. For this chapter, if you'd like to, listen to; Falling by The Civil Wars

Bella

"Edward," My breathing is heavy as I back away, pulling my lips from his. The electricity buzzing between us dies, the pain in my chest comes back full force. "No. I can't. I'm so sorry."

I feel the tears well up in my eyes as my legs hit the foot of his bed, stopping me.

My fingers trace my lips, feeling where he had just been.

What am I doing? I just told him I wanted to leave Mike, now I'm saying I can't. I'm saying No. I'm telling Edward no. What the hell, Bella?

I want him, I promise I do. I just, I can't just leave Mike. That's wrong. You don't do that to someone you love, or kind of love, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know that what I have with Mike isn't as powerful as Edward but I can't just leave him because of it. Mike has never left me, Edward has. That's the problem though, I can't figure out what to do.

I want Edward. I should want Mike.

"Fuck." He whispers. I don't dare look up, I don't want to see the look on his face. "Isabella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. I shouldn't have even touched you."

I freeze, my breathing stops, the way he says touched makes it sound so dirty and wrong. I'm confused. I was the one who begged him to kiss me. I want him, can't he see that? I know that he can.

No, I'm just not supposed to want him anymore.

But I do want it. Badly.

Doesn't he realize how complicated this is for me? What am I supposed to do? My mind can't wrap around this, any of this. I feel like my head is spinning and my heart screaming at me but I can't hear what its saying. I'm lost. Drowning in my own mix of confusion, pain and heartbreak.

My cheeks are coated in tears as I stand there, staring at the floor, tangling my hands together. Does he regret it? Wish he hadn't given in? Wished he could take it all back? Of course he does, he just said it.

Why does that bother me so much? Why does it hurt to think that he doesn't want me? Isn't that what I want? Isn't that why I pulled away? I'm the one that stopped it. I should be happy.

I'm going to be married to Mike, I'm not supposed to be with Edward. I'm not supposed to have feelings for him. I'm not supposed to be at his house, in his room, begging him to kiss me.

"Please forgive me." His voice is soft and full of pain.

I feel like I'm going to be sick as the realization of what just occurred comes flowing into my mind.

I'm a whore.

Slut.

Unfaithful.

Cheater.

I'm confused.

I'm using him.

I'm trying to have everything I want when its not possible.

I can't have Edward and marry Mike.

I'm destroying everything.

Everything is falling to pieces.

"Why are you sorry!" I try to yell but my voice squeaks as more tears go streaking down my face. I hate how much I want to touch him and feel the relief from the pain that only he can provide. He has become my medication, my drug. I want to feel the way he closes the hole in my heart, the way he makes me happy.

I hate it that he can do that.

But I love it more.

"I'll take you home." He turns away from me, walking towards the door.

"No!"

"Isabella, stop." I see his fists clench at his sides.

"You stop!" I wish my voice sounded more commanding. " You didn't take advantage of me, I wanted you to kiss me."

"Really?" He flips around, his green eyes are wild.

"Then what did you mean when you pulled away from me? Told me no?" His voice had a bitterness to it I hadn't heard before. "You are going to be married in less than two days Isabella, I know that. I'm fully aware. You don't need to worry though, I won't do that again."

His eyes soften at his last words, his hands fall out of their fists, his back hunches over. "You'll be safe from me."

I don't want to be safe from him.

Licking my lips I swear I could still taste him on me. All I could remember was his hot mouth against mine. I tangled my hands into his hair, pulling his soft wavy locks. I slid my tongue against his lips, making him let me in. I felt his lips covering mine, overpowering me in the best way. Our bodies pressed together as tingles flooded through me. Feeling his hot tongue rubbing against mine was driving me insane. I hadn't felt him like this in so many years. I don't think I realized how much I had missed it.

But it never went past the kiss. It was only a few glorious seconds before I destroyed it.

I couldn't do it. I shouldn't be doing it.

Something in my subconscious had been screaming at me, warning me against my actions.

I'm about to be married. Mike loves me. Mike wants a life with me, he never left me.

Edward had left me.

Remembering the hurt he caused me when he left helped me to stay strong, until I looked into his eyes. Pushing him away was the last thing I should have done, it hadn't affected only me, but him as well.

He looked angry, hurt, frustrated, defeated. I had done that to him, I kept messing everything up.

It didn't matter anymore though. I had made my bed, getting engaged to Mike, now I had to lie in it.

We fought for a minute about him taking me home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to stay with him. I had escaped my fiancé and lied to my best friend to be with him. I wasn't about to go back to them and ruin it all. I wanted to be with him for tonight. It might be the last night I'll ever get to see him, the thought of that made my heart fall. I hoped it wasn't. Though if it was, I didn't want to waste it.

I remember him telling me that he would sleep on the floor and I could have his bed. I immediately refused. I wasn't about to let him sleep on the floor. I told him that two adults could sleep in the same bed without there being a problem. It was my last night with him.

People did that sometimes, right?

I'll never admit I just wanted to be close to him, I wanted to see if being near him would take away the memories, the nightmares. I hoped and prayed he would be able to take them away. Yet, at the same time I didn't want him to be the cure. If he was the cure, it would be like a curse on me. Give the person I can't have the power to heal me, to make me better, to make me able to live again.

After giving me some clothes to sleep in, since the white strapless dress didn't seem appropriate, he became very distant once again. I noticed that he wouldn't look me in the eyes, he wouldn't talk to me and he would purposefully stay away from me. I hated it. I know I didn't deserve his attention but I craved it, I needed it. I tried a few times to get him to look at me, talk to me , anything. It all failed miserably and I went to change.

When I came back from the bathroom, wearing just the t shirt he had provided and putting the boxers back on the floor, his eyes locked on me. I gasped at the dark green piercing through me. His shirt might have seemed more provocative than I had originally planned but now I didn't care. I had his attention. I loved how I felt wearing his clothes, they smelled just like him. It was comforting, relaxing, it felt right.

Mike would kill me if he saw what I was wearing right now. I shouldn't be in another man's clothes. I shouldn't be only in another mans shirt and my lingerie underneath. It was wrong. Yet I couldn't stop.

I was probably giving him whiplash with every emotion I was throwing at him. I really hadn't thought about what it would look like if I came back into his room wearing only his shirt and the lingerie I had underneath.

The only thing that made me feel better about it was that he didn't know about the lingerie. I caught his eyes on my legs a few times, It bothered me how much I wanted to show him the white lace.

His eyes looked dark but different than a few minutes ago, now they were hungrier. I thought I might have pulled the Edward back that had been with me earlier, before I fucked it up. Before I stopped doing the one thing I want the most.

No Bella, you want Mike. You love Mike.

I was wrong though. His eyes lingered on my legs, my body covered in his shirt and then on my eyes for only a second before the coldness came back. My Edward was locked away once again.

He put a pillow between us as he crawled into bed, immediately turning his back to me. I heard his breathing, low and shallow, just like mine. I hated that this is what we've become, that this is what we are.

It reflected this point our lives. So close together yet so far apart.

I remember falling asleep to a tear soaked pillow, burying my hands under my chest to prevent myself from touching him. That had obviously not worked for either of us.

XXX

Waking up tangled up in Edward was wrong. My legs were intertwined with his, my arm across his stomach, my head on his chest. Where had the pillow gone? What about him pushing me away? Keeping me safe from him? I couldn't even bring myself to care about any of that because I had no nightmares last night. I had no trouble sleeping. Nothing. It was the first night of sleep I've had since my mom died that didn't include screaming, shaking or closing myself into a ball. The only thing that had changed was Edward.

Edward took the pain away.

Yet he had so easily caused it.

Getting out of bed I grabbed my things, leaving his shirt on the floor. I tip toed my way down the stairs, seeing the kitchen clock reading six am. Sneaking out of his house is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I really hoped neither of his parents were early morning people, this would be so hard to explain.

I couldn't stay wrapped up in him though, that was wrong. Truthfully, I don't even know how we ended up like that. Maybe it was our souls conspiring against us, pushing us together when we were already ripped apart.

I stepped out into the cool morning air and felt the pain spread through my chest. I hated leaving him, I hated having things end, again. What did I expect though, what did I think could come of this? I don't know what I was thinking last night when I was so determined to come see him. Did I really think that it was going to make everything better? Did I expect Mike to call me and be like Yes, be with him.

I don't even know anymore.

I grabbed my shoes out of his car and started my walk back to mine.

I wondered if anyone saw me as I walked barefoot, at sunrise, to my car. Quite the walk of shame.

Every step of the way all I could think of was Edward. How he made me feel, how I felt waking up with him, how his lips felt, how his body felt, how his eyes looked when I pulled away.

My emotions were on a roller coaster as I walked across the cool pavement. I pulled on the sweatshirt in my hands, the one I had chosen to ignore until that point. Almost like I had thought that if I wasn't wearing it I hadn't stolen it.

It was dark blue.

Smelled like cigarettes, beer and laundry.

It was Edwards.

I know I shouldn't have taken it. I hoped he wouldn't notice, at least until I could find a way to get it back to him. I just, I couldn't leave without something from him. I had made myself believe it was because it was cold outside and I didn't want to catch a cold before my wedding. That seemed like a very legitimate reason for my urge to grab it.

My care was a lot further than I had originally planned, it took me a half hour.

Turning on the car and blasting the heat I got another rush of Edwards scent. I pulled my hands up and covered my face with his sweatshirt. I shouldn't have taken it, it will only make this harder.

XXX

Pulling into my driveway I noticed that Mike's car was gone.

That was weird?

It was almost six thirty am, where would he be this early?

I guess it didn't matter because I was still wearing Edwards sweatshirt and that wasn't something I wanted him to see me in. I pulled it off, just in case, and walked into the house.

"Mike?" I yelled, making sure he was gone. No one answered. I was alone. I felt myself start to break down as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom.

I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes as my feet dragged me down the hallway. I could feel my breathing pick up, getting heavier and harder. My chest felt like tight and painful.

The pain I had felt before seeing Edward last night was nothing compared to right now. Nothing.

My hands were shaking so bad I could barely get my closet door open. I fell to my knees and started to pull things out from the bottom, shoes, bags, jeans. I threw them all to the side as I made a place in the back for Edwards sweatshirt. I couldn't risk Mike seeing it, I couldn't.

It needed to be safe, from him and me.

Edward would never know that I took it.

Mike would never know I had it.

And hopefully I would forget it was there.

XXX

"Where have you been?" I asked him as he walked in the back door. He was wearing new clothes but looked just as disheveled as if he had slept in his clothes.

"What?"

"You just got home, where have you been?" I was being casual about it, using a carefree tone that let him think I didn't care. I did though, what if he saw my car when it wasn't at Rose's.

"Out." His answer was short and his tone was clipped.

"Really?" I questioned.

"Bella, you fucking left me last night. At your rehearsal dinner." There it is. He's still mad? I really thought we had worked through this last night.

"I thought we got over this last night? Are you still on it?"

"Yes, I am. Where the hell did you go?" I realized that I had been mad at him, now he was mad at me? What?

"Don't you dare change the subject back to me! I asked you where you were!"

"I, uh, went out with some guys after the dinner was over, I figured that I wasn't going to be coming home to you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He turned on the coffee maker and pulled out a mug.

"I don't want to fight with you. We're getting married tomorrow, we should be the happiest people in the world." I'm not though. Not even close. Edward is the only thing on my mind. His sweatshirt buried in the back of my closet, I want to pull it on and let his scent take over my senses. Make me forget that I'm losing him again. That's bad. I can't think like that. Stop.

"I know, baby." His voice now smooth and soft. He turns away from the coffee and moves closer to me. "I'm sorry. Why don't we just forget all of that."

I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and for some reason my first instinct was to push him away. I didn't want his hands on me, I didn't want him to kiss me like I knew he would. I didn't want him.

The feeling I've had with him since the day I met him, the feeling of cheating on Edward, was so strong right now that I almost couldn't breathe. I genuinely felt like I was betraying Edward and what we had. In reality I was betraying Mike just by thinking those thoughts.

Stop Bella. Mike Is your fiancé. You just pushed Edward away for Mike, don't push Mike away for Edward.

I wanted to just shut down my entire body. Make my mind stop yelling at me, my heart stop hurting, everything. I wanted silence. I wanted peace.

I fought off the urge to shove him and let his lips push against mine. I wasn't responsive to him. I didn't really move, I let him do what he wanted. I felt his hands travel up my back, his mouth become more insistent, his hips push into me.

Usually I would put more effort into it, focus myself on him and not the feeling of cheating on Edward.

I couldn't stop thinking about Edward though, just like before. This time however, I was repeating our kiss last night. How in a few seconds he had made me feel so aroused, alive and free. Mike had never even come close to that in the time we had been together.

I felt Mike start to pull away from me and my body relaxed. "I can't wait for our wedding night." He winked as he went back to his coffee.

My emotions were flipping back and forth too quickly. I should be with Mike, that's what I had promised, what I had decided. My head is telling me that it makes sense, it's the best thing for me. I made the choice and I need to stick with it, Mike would do the same for me.

My heart is screaming and burning with disagreement. My heart wants Edward, knows that he makes me feel the way that no one else can. Knows that he is the one to take away the pain that I feel when I am away from him. Knows that I've never stopped loving him, ever.

A/N: Poor Bella, she's so confused. What do you think of her emotional rollercoaster? She still doesn't know why Edward left..

Reviews are better than wearing Edwards sweatshirt.