A/N: Song: I feel So; Box Car Racer

Sorry for any mistakes, I'm fixing them tomorrow.

Here's the chapter I've been insanely excited to post since I started this fic.

Bella

"Where are you girls headed off to today?" Esme asked us a few minutes after I got back into the diner. Edward wanted to meet me later. In private. God, I liked the idea of that a lot more than I should. What did that mean? How was I supposed to focus on anything now that he had said that?

"We're going to make sure Bella's dress fits her like a glove."

"Yeah." I agreed, not even pretending to sound excited.

"Oh that should be lovely! I'm sure you two will have a great time."

"Yes, we will! We should be heading out, we don't want to be late for our appointment." Alice clapped, emphasizing her excitement for today. I started rifling through my wallet for some money for our food, ignoring wedding plans.

"No, no girls. It's on us." Carlisle gave his credit card to the waitress and smiled.

"Thank you." I tried to smile back at him but I was having a hard time. I didn't know what to do with myself. My entire life right now was evolving around Edward's words and the decision that I had to make, even though part of me knew I already had.

Decision making and actually doing are two completely different things Bella.

"Bella where are your shoes?" Alice asked when we got into her car.

I think for a moment, pulling myself out of my fog. Damn. They're not with me like they should be, like she had reminded me a million times. "Um, in my room."

"Great place for them. That was the one thing I had asked you to bring." It was times like these I could really feel how fast she had to grow up. She was still taking care of me.

"I forgot, I'm sorry! I've been distracted."

"Yes, I've noticed."

"Well, what time is our appointment?"

"I told them we'd be there in a half an hour. That means I'm going to have to drive extra fast."

We're silent for most of the ride. It isn't until we're almost at the house that she finally asks; "What's with you and Edward?"

"What?" I try to play stupid. I knew she would ask at some point.

"You heard me."

"Nothing." I feign nonchalance.

"Yeah, right. I've been wondering what is going on with you two since he showed up last night. How did he even know about it? Carlisle and Esme wouldn't have invited him, they wouldn't do that."

Before she could say any more I cut her off. "I invited him."

"You invited Edward to your rehearsal dinner? Why?"

"I invited him to the wedding as well. I don't know, I guess I didn't think he'd come. "I didn't think he would but I wanted him to.

"You didn't think he'd come." She repeated, contemplating my answer. "Or you wanted him to know you were taken."

"Alice, you don't even like him." I tried to change the subject away from my motivations on inviting him.

"That's not true. I just don't trust him. I mean, he left you in your time of need and never even bothered to call or write to you. His parents wouldn't even talk about it. I'm pretty sure he abandoned everyone. Who does that?"

As she finishes speaking we pull into my driveway, I hop out and grab my keys. Mike won't be home yet, I'll just grab my stuff and go.

Unlocking the door I walk into the house, I see his wallet on the counter as I head for the stairs. That's odd?

I quickly make my way upstairs, trying to be quick for Alice and I hear a lot of commotion from my bedroom.

"Mike?" I yell as I hit the top step.

"Bella? What are you doing home, thought you'd be at your dress thing?" I walk into the bedroom and see him in a white tee and boxers. He sounds nervous but it probably just because everything Is coming so soon.

Too soon.

If I really did want to get out of this to-be marriage then I would need to do it asap.

I just couldn't right now.

I was too scared, too nervous. I needed a little bit of time to prepare. I didn't expect him to be home.

"Yeah, I forgot my shoes. Alice is in the car all frustrated with me because of it. I didn't know you'd be home, I thought you had a meeting?"

"Yeah, it was cancelled so I came home for a bit. I'm heading back out now actually."

"Oh, alright. I'll see you in a couple hours then?" I asked as I grabbed my shoes from on top of my dresser, right where I had left them.

"Yes, see you later sweetheart." I left without responding. His pet name made me angry. I craved to hear Edward call me Isabella. I really hadn't realized how much I had missed that.

Edward

"Mike."

"Edward." He walks towards me. We're meeting in a parking lot of a business that looks like it closed months ago. He must have a lot to say if he wanted somewhere this deserted to speak to me. "Let's not fuck around, why are you here?"

"Because you called and asked to meet me."

"You know what I meant."

"It was time." I'm being cryptic. I don't give a fuck. What do I owe him?

"Oh? It was time?"

"Yes."

"Time for what?"

I shrugged. I'm not explaining myself to him." You wanted to wait until she was almost married to show up back in her life?"

"It wasn't my intention."

"Right, of course it wasn't. Sick fucked up people like you never have ulterior motives, do they?"

"I don't have any ulterior motives. What do you think I'm here for Mike?"

"I think you're here to take my girl away." He moved towards me before starting to circle. Lame tactic. I'm not scared. " I think you're here because you think you're better than me. I think you think you can give her things I can't. You think she'll take you back."

"Do you think that, Mike?"

"Fuck you."

"Alright."

It was silent for a minute, both of us staring at each other.

"You know what I really want to know?" It sounded rhetorical, I didn't answer. "I want to know if you you enjoy abusing her? Does it bring you pleasure? Do you love to see her in pain, to see the hurt in her eyes?" I flinched. "Did you know she has nightmares, every single fucking night. She wakes up screaming, flailing. That's not something that normalpeople do, Edward."

"I do not abuse her."

"I disagree. I think you do. You fucked her up and left her. I'm a nice person though and I thought I could help her, fix her. But I can't. So now she'll just be the trophy wife that I need. Tell me though, did you ever hit her? Or just emotionally abuse her?"

"Fuck off, I never abused her. Ever."

"Then please explain to me why she is so fucked up and why she seems absolutely fucking scared to even talk about you? Why you seem to be the last man she was with and now she is a frigid fucking bitch."

"Don't you ever fucking call her that in front of me ever again."

"What? A frigid bitch? Trust me, she is. You're not missing anything. She is the worst fuck I've ever had."

I just shake my head, trying to calm myself down. I'm seeing red. I want to punch him in the face, I want to hit him so hard that I feel his jaw break. I want to see the blood come out of his nose. I want to hear his skin hitting the pavement. I want him to feel pain. I want him to feel the pain that I've felt since I've left her. I want him to feel the pain she felt, the pain she still feels.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to fucking leave and never come back." He clenches his fists, making his arm muscles look more pronounced.

"You coming here has done a lot of damage for me. I'm not sure you realize how much. You've been making my job a lot fucking harder the past twenty four hours and I will not tolerate it anymore. I won't let anyone ruin what I have established with her."

His job? What? "You don't own her."

"Neither do you. You need to remember that." I feel the impact of his fist hitting my face. I don't move away, I don't flinch. I'm done with that bull shit. If he wants to hit me, then let him.

"Not going to fight back?" I say nothing. "I used to love her, you know? Now she's just a toy. I pretty thing I like to play with, show off to friends. A toy that I'll probably end up throwing away after it gets me what I want."

Isabella is not a toy. I cant even imagine saying things like that about her. How dare he?

No, Edward. Do not fight back. Do not give in. Be the better person.

I feel him hit me again, again. Hard and fast. Knuckles hitting bone.

I'm not going to hit him back. I know that Isabella sees something in him that I can't. I need to respect that. I won't fight him. I would never want her to think of me as the man who fought her fiancé. I don't need more things chalked up against me.

I take more hits from him, to my stomach, my ribs, my chest, my face. Each of them harder and more violent. I've become his punching bag.

I feel the blood coming out of my nose and I remember only moments ago wanting to see this happening to him. Wanting to be the one causing him pain, not the other way around.

Maybe this is how it has to be though.

I still don't move, don't speak. I let out of a few sounds of pain, he is hitting very hard. It makes him enjoy it further. It makes him want to hit me harder.

I want to fight back, I do.

Part of me even wants to kill him. Not just because he has Isabella and I don't but because of how he talks about her.

"You're such a fucking pussy. Can't fight back? " He grunts as he hits me again, knocking me to the ground this time. "Don't worry, I'll fuck her good tonight. Make her forget all about you."

I close my eyes and try to succumb to the pain. I would rather it take me than listen to him talk about her. The urge to hurt him grows within me but I fight it. No.

"Then I'll go and fuck someone else. Stiff and boring Bella isn't as fun as Jessica is."

I snap my head up at his words. He smirks.

He fucking smirks.

It's like hes fucking getting off on this shit.

"Yes, you heard me right. Good to know that got your attention."

He fucking cheats on her.

He disrespects her.

He lies to her.

He isn't good for her.

I'm not good for her either.

Am I just as bad as him in a way?

Does it matter?

I'm a selfish bastard. I need her. I want her.

I'm not going to stop trying to get Isabella back. I will never stop. There was nothing that he could do to make me stop.

The only thing that would make me stop would be her.

And her reaction to what happened. Please Isabella, don't hate me. What really happened.

More hits, I fall to the ground. He kicks me. His foot going into my rib cage. It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch.

How can he think it's helping him to fight someone who isn't fighting back? What does he think this is going to accomplish?

New goal.

It's more important than getting her back.

I need to get her away from Mike.

She can't marry him. She can't be attached to someone like that.

She needs to see how much he's using her, how much he couldn't give a fucking shit about her.

"Had enough?" I grunt because it's the only sound I can make. I want him to stop, I'm not going to lie. "Good. I hope you've learned your lesson. Never talk to her again. Never contact her again. You're fucking done, Cullen. Don't show your face around here. This." He gestures to me lying on the ground, his voice is gruff and loud. "Is only a taste of what I will do to you if you do."

I don't answer.

I keep my eyes closed.

I hear him get back into his car and pull away.

XXX

Its been an hour since I pulled myself back into my car. Everything fucking hurts. I can tell I'm bleeding but I'm doing nothing about it.

My phone rings and its her. Thank you God.

"Isabella?" I ask, just making sure.

"Yes, can we meet?"

"Yes, can we go to my parents house? They're not home."

"Meet you there."

Bella

"Edward!" I gasp, he's covered in blood and bruises. "What happened?"

I run towards him as he stands in the door of the house. "Come inside, let me help you." I grab his hand instinctively and pull him into the kitchen.

As much as I just want to scream at him and demand that he tell me what happened, the blood on his face is making me realize I need to sort my priorities out.

"Where's a first aid kit?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answers to my questions just yet.

"In the bathroom, under the sink." He mumbled.

I grab it and a few towels, soaking one in hot water and one in cold. Going back to him I have him sit back in chair as I clean his face and apply ointment and bandages. I see him wince every time I touch his skin.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Come with me." He gets up and walks toward his room. I am hesitant at first but brush it off. Its just Edward. "I don't know when my parents are getting home or how long this will take, so its better for us to be in here."

I don't know what all that means. How long this will take? What?

I sit down on his bed and he follows, sitting beside me. I see him pull his hands through his hair.

"I met with Mike." He announces. I freeze.

"What?" He fucking did what! My anger with him from last night and annoyance from this morning is at an all time high. He not only was an asshole last night but decided to beat up Edward? What? When? Where?

"He called me, asked to meet, I said yes." Edward was calm as he spoke, I was raging inside. Mike did what? Why would he think that was okay? I knew he was jealous but this is taking it too far.

"He hit you?" Mike was angry last night and I knew that but I didn't know he'd take it this far.

"Yes."

"Did you hit him back?" I had to ask. He must have, look at him.

"No." I'm speechless at his answer. I never expected him to not fight back, especially with all the cuts and bruises on him. He let Mike do this without any retaliation? Why would Mike keep hitting him then?

"Why not?"

"I'm not going to beat up your fiancé, Isabella." My heart breaks at his answer. He let this happen to himself because of me. He's hurt because of me. I feel tears flow into my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I can't believe he did that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I mumble as I lean over and wrap my arms around his shoulders, putting my head on his back. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say. He doesn't move, he lets me do what I want.

Our connection soothed me, kept me grounded.

I needed him to feel safe. I needed him to be safe.

After a few minutes I felt him rest his head on my arm. I enjoy the skin on skin contact way too much.

I wonder when Mike had called him about this meeting. He was going to be hearing a lot from me when I got home. What made him think he could do this? I could call the cops. I could get him arrested.

Edward didn't do anything wrong.

This was so fucked up.

I kept my arms tight around him and thought back to the diner when I had wanted to touch him so badly. Now the familiar buzzing was strong and electric as the currents ran though my body where we were connected.

Wait. He had wanted to see me later in private. Why? "Why did you want to see me in private?"

I felt his breathing quicken. What was wrong?

"I don't want to tell you right now."

"Please, Edward." It was a few minutes before he spoke.

"I went to see Jacob." His voice was so small and muffled I didn't know if I had heard right. Did I hear that correctly? He went to see Jacob?

No. No. No. No.

"What!" Green eyes moved to mine, silently telling me I had heard correctly. I felt the anger rise within me, my stomach immediately feeling sick.

He went to see him. Out of all people. Jacob.

"I had to." His voice was small and low, his eyes now on the floor.

"What! Why!" I stood up and backed away from him as quickly as my legs would take me. How could he not see how much of a betrayal that was to me? Jacob had killed my mom and he was visiting him? What was he thinking?

"Isabella, please." He pulled his hand through his hair, his eyes coming up to meet mine. "Just let me explain."

"Explain what?" I yelled. "What could you possibly need to explain to me about Jacob? I don't want to know about him. I want to know about you. I want to know why you left me!"

He flinched and I couldn't stop myself from continuing, it was all built up and exploding out of me. "You left me alone! You left me in the worst possible fucking time! I was fucking miserable. I barely ate, didn't sleep, I was so out of focus with everything. I was a mess."

"I-" He went to speak and I cut him off, I felt hot tears pour down my cheeks.

"No! Let me talk! Did you know how many different reasons I had come up with for why you left me? How many times I questioned our relationship and its stability? I kept thinking that maybe you thought I wasn't good enough for you. Maybe there was someone else. Maybe you were cheating on me. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should have seen it coming."

I paused, taking a deep breath. My face was covered in tears, my eyes were blurred. I had always wanted to yell this at him, scream at him, and here I was doing just that. It wasn't bringing me pleasure though, it was tearing me open and making me feel exposed.

"Isabella, please."

"Tell me why you left!"

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"I know once I tell you, you'll leave."

"You don't know that. You don't know anything because if you did, you wouldn't have left."

"Maybe that's true, maybe its not. The only reason I wanted to meet up with you today was to tell you the truth. To tell you why I left."

"Tell me then! Make me understand."

"Just, don't leave. Let me explain. Please?"

"I'm not making promises." Betrayal tears kept flowing down my face.

"Jacob and I were stupid back then, you knew that." He ran his hand though his hair. "I never told you because I knew you wouldn't approve but we had been experimenting with some drugs from his friend Sam. We were stupid. I'm first to admit that. We were fucking idiots."

I felt my jaw drop. What?

I'm numb and in pain all at the same time.

Tears don't stop rolling down my cheeks.

"It was only weed at first and only a couple times but then he asked if we wanted something stronger, something that would last longer. We said yes, because we were naïve." He used to hang out with Jake all the time, I never thought anything of it. I never thought to suspect he would be doing things like that.

"First time we did LSD it wasn't too bad. We didn't trip too hard, nothing went wrong, we thought nothing of it. I would even say it was fun." His voice was low and deep, almost monotone. "The second time was when problems occurred."

Drugs.

He did drugs?

What the fuck!

He never told me about that.

I never even suspected.

Ever.

I trusted him.

I always thought he would never lie to me.

How could he do this?

How could…

"Isabella, I need to tell you things but I know you're not going to believe me. I need you to just let me talk before saying anything, okay?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

"The day your mom died was the day that Jake found out her and Billy had been seeing each other. They were having an affair." No. My heart hurts, it literally is in pain. He's lying. No. He's lying straight to my face. Isn't he? Renee didn't have an affair. She didn't cheat on Charlie. No.

"I know you probably don't want to believe me but I swear its true, we-" his eyes squeezed shut before opening again. "We found evidence and then we're given confirmation from Billy. He didn't want to tell us, Jake basically forced him."

Renee.

Billy.

No.

I wanted to believe that couldn't be true. I wanted it to be fake.

Part of me knew I was just lying to myself though.

They had always been close, unusually close.

Renee would say she was hanging out with Jacobs mom, Emily, a lot.

Was it Billy instead?

"The problem was that we were high, very high. I didn't know what to think, you know I loved Renee, but Jake was pissed. He couldn't believe his dad would do that. He couldn't believe Renee would do that. He wasn't thinking straight. I went outside when they started screaming at each other, I couldn't handle it. LSD really fucks you up, I didn't know what was going on. I think it got physical between them, Jake came out with blood on his hands. "

I was frozen standing in front of him. I felt my knees get weaker as he continued. I felt empty, lost, confused, stupid. "He was yelling, I was so disoriented that I got in too. We drove towards your house, he was sputtering off about how he wanted to find out Renee's side. He wanted to yell at her for his mom. He wouldn't stop talking. I wonder if he was tripping out as hard as I was. I was in panic mode, on the verge of paranoid. I wanted out of the car but he wouldn't stop. He was going too fast. "

No.

This can't be real.

No.

I feel dizzy.

I feel like the ground is being ripped from beneath my feet.

I feel like my life has been a lie.

My breathing was shallow and quick.

I felt so sick.

"I couldn't stop him, I tried. I'm so sorry. The entire ride is such a blur for me now. I remember when he hit Renee. Then a tree. " He flinched, his entire body pulling together on the edge of the bed. "He was knocked unconscious while I somehow was not. I was so paranoid of being scene, being caught, that I ran. I never stopped running. Until last night. "

Time stood still. I swear it did. I stared at him as he looked down at the floor instead of in my eyes.

I watched him, trying to comprehend everything that he was telling me. I couldn't.

What was happening.

After what could have been ten minutes or two hours he spoke again.

"I am so deeply and truly sorry Isabella. " Conflicting thoughts ran though my head. I wanted to demand he stop saying sorry. I also wanted him to keep apologizing, keep begging for forgiveness. "I was a coward. I was scared. Once I started running, I could stop. Once I left, I didn't think I could face you. A day turned into a month, turned into a year. I didn't know how to come back. I didn't know what to say. I went downhill. I did more drugs, I went into depression. It went from weed and LCD to cocaine-"

"Stop." I spoke. It was the first thing I had said out loud since he started talking. I couldn't hear anymore. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to or because I don't think I could handle it. I think it was both.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.

The ten feet between us felt like a mile.

He was in the car that killed my mom.

He was fucking there.

He was high.

He did drugs behind my back.

Lies.

The minutes passed. I said nothing.

I stood there staring at him.

He looked like he was in pain and I didn't care.

He was in the car that killed my mom.

That took her away from me.

He left

Fuck you, Edward Cullen.

"Isabella, please say something."

What did he want me to say? What was there to say?

In this moment, I hated him.

I wanted nothing to do with him.

I couldn't believe his words and yet I knew it was all true.

I knew every single thing he said was real.

I hated that.

If I thought I was breaking down before it was nothing compared to right now.

The pain in my chest was amplified. Hurting so much more than it ever had. It was now sharp and breath taking. It made me feel suffocated and alone.

For a moment I wondered if his touch would take this pain away or make it worse?

I hated myself for thinking he could help so I forced myself to believe it would make it worse.

He would make it worse. I kept repeating that to myself.

"No." I mumbled, shaking my head. My breathing coming out in short, shallow spurts. "No, don't do this to me. You're not allowed to do this to me."

"I'm sorry." He was crying. I could hear it in his voice. I didn't need to see into his eyes that were still focused on the floor

"No! Don't cry! You don't fucking get to cry!" I screamed at him, my hands balling into fists. I was angry. Frustrated. He wasn't allowed to be. No. " You don't get to feel bad! You did this!"

"I know." His mossy green eyes looked up at me finally. I felt another wave of pain flow through me.

"You were in the fucking car for goodness sake!" My voice was coated with tears and cracking with each word. "How could you!"

I couldn't stop saying that.

How could he do this to me?

A/N: Forever thanking my research & development team of Corinnakt & NJSilla.

If you were in Bella's position, what would you do?