Chapter 3: Missing

I quickly undressed and got in the shower, in hopes of washing away all of the evil that my nightmare had brought. I got out slowly and combed through my hair. It was eight o'clock. Peeta would be here in fifteen minutes for our daily breakfast routine. Today I would try and talk to him. Maybe if I talked to him about my nightmare, it would help ease the pain. On the other hand, maybe it would just cause him pain. I'd figure out something. All I knew is that I wanted to hear his voice.

He wasn't there holding me in the middle of the night anymore like all those nights on the train. I couldn't expect him to be. After all, he can barely even touch me without the risk of a flashback. I missed how it used to be. I missed having him there. I missed what we had, which was a friendship, a complicated one. He wanted more; I'm not sure what I wanted. I'm not sure of what I want now really. All I know is that I couldn't wait for him to get here.

I looked over at the clock. It read 8:30. Peeta should have been here fifteen minutes ago. Maybe he realized there was no more hope in coming every morning. Maybe he finally decided to accept me for what the trackerjackers convinced him I was. My heart sank just as I did in my chair. I should go over there. Is it possible he could have lost track of time? No, Peeta never did that. I needed him today. I needed him every day. Maybe he was running late, or planning something special. I decided to wait until 9:00, and then I'd decide what to do. I got up and started scrubbing the tiles on the kitchen counter. I hated cleaning, but I knew how much Peeta despised a dirty kitchen. Then I stopped and dropped the sponge on the floor. Why was I doing this? Why did I care so much about how Peeta felt about the kitchen? Stop Katniss. Stop. I couldn't allow myself to feel anymore. Letting myself feel only leads to pain, and frankly, I don't believe I can survive another dose of that.

8:45. He was now half an hour late. Peeta wasn't one to ever be late. Now I was worrying. What if something happened to him? What if he did something to himself, something he threatened to do when we were invading the capitol? This new thought enveloped my brain, and most importantly my heart. I turned away from the counter and all of my previous thoughts and ran out the front door. It felt like we were worlds apart. Every step didn't seem to take me far enough. Breathe Katniss, Breathe. He's okay. I cut across the grass and through the garden, stepping on the primroses he had planted for me a few months ago. This took a small stab at my heart as I saw the now wilted flowers, but I had to continue for him. The last few steps before his door felt like miles. I twisted his doorknob open and urgently let myself inside.

It was silent, completely utterly silent. An intoxicating smell filled the room. I slowly walked into the kitchen. There was a cake on the counter. It was the most beautiful cake I had ever seen. Obviously it was the work of Peeta, but he was nowhere to be found. There were bright colors and beautiful swirls around the outside rims of the cake. I looked to the top of it and my heart stopped. It read "Happy Birthday Katni-" in green icing but it was cut off with a long smear. Today was my birthday.

Suddenly I heard heavy breathing coming from my right. I walked around the island in the kitchen shocked by what I saw there on the floor. Peeta. One of his hands was clutching the counter the other was tightly gripped around his green icing bag, roughly held against his chest. Sweat was dripping down his face and his breathing was heavy and unsteady. His eyes were tightly squinted shut and hard as he could make them close. His body was shaking violently.

"Peeta!" I yelled when my brain finally took it all in. I fell on the ground next to him. His shaking suddenly stopped and his eyes opened and locked directly on me. I suddenly felt I had made a grave mistake by checking on him. His hand let go of the counter and his other dropped the bag of icing. He started to lunge towards me with both hands. This is it, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and prepared for his hands to tighten around my throat, for this all to be over.

Instead, I felt his arms go around my waist. I slowly opened my eyes, to see Peeta in my lap, completely vulnerable. I looked down into his blue eyes and saw tears filled them up. I suddenly felt terrible for thinking he was about to kill me. "Katniss," he whispered, "I'm sorr-". "Shhh. It's okay Peeta," I calmly interrupted. I slowly wrapped my arms around his body, crumpled up on the floor. He cried as I held him, leaning against the counter. Now it was my turn to take care of him, just like he did for me all those nights ago.

It was the first time I had felt any real emotion for a while. I started to cry with him. Every few minutes a new tear would slide down his face. I'd wipe it away with my fingers, feeling his soft skin with every touch. His eyes fluttered shut and I knew he had fallen asleep. That's when I saw it. Looking down at his innocent, sleeping face, I saw my boy with the bread. I let myself go too. I had what I needed in this moment. Nothing could take that away. For a moment, I was no longer missing a part of myself.