Chapter 5
The next few months passed in a strange haze for Byakuya. Rukia was often gone too during this time, in the human world with Renji and Ichigo, as well as several other shinigami who were close with him. Byakuya started to spend more nights in his quarters at the 6th division barracks, and less in his mansion. Many times when he was there, he would wake from a dream, drenched in sweat, and somehow terrified and sad, but he could never remember but a flash of these dreams after he woke. Yet he continued to stay there.
Then, the Arrancar started appearing in the human world. He was careful to keep in touch with information on the shinigami in Karakura-chou, on the pretense that he was looking out for his sister. Of course, that was true too, but he wanted to know how Renji was and what he was doing. And whether or not he was in over his head.
Then news came of the human, Inoue Orihime's abduction. It was very clear what was about to happen. After all, there were a number of powerful shinigami in Karakura-chou at that time, where also lived Urahara Kisuke, one of the few men capable of transporting people into Hueco Mundo, and all of them friends of Ichigo. Yamamoto Soutaichou was conscious of this as well, which is why he ordered Byakuya and Zaraki Kenpachi, two of the most powerful captains who were also relatively close with Ichigo, to go and retrieve all the shinigami now in Karakura-chou.
Byakuya had seen the rage twisted over Kurosaki Ichigo's face, and he took no pleasure in causing it. However he was more concerned with the hurt on Renji's and Rukia's faces when they were told they could not help him. It struck his heart badly, especially since a lack of sleep lately had lowered his emotional guard a little. Nevertheless, he took them back and left Ichigo alone.
Once there, he was waiting for a chance to talk to Renji privately, but it really didn't come. Renji was very upset about Inoue Orihime's abduction, or perhaps Ichigo's thoughts of taking on all of Hueco Mundo alone, and spent most of his time with Rukia, no doubt plotting some way to join Ichigo in spite of Yamamoto Soutaichou's orders.
Byakuya had some time to think about what he should do. He watched all of this happen between the two of them, and for once he was actually conscious of the fact that he was feeling a little jealous. But those feelings soon faded in relation to a more powerful one, which almost filled up his throat with emotion. He of course didn't want Renji to be hurt. But he knew that what Renji most wanted now was to be with Ichigo and Rukia. He thought about this for a long time before he eventually took action.
He was aware that Renji and Rukia were plotting, since they rather foolishly used Rukia's room as a base. It was not within earshot of his own, but he knew they were there. One night, he clutched two items that he'd prepared the day before to his chest. He made very certain that his expression was absolutely lifeless. Then he went to Rukia's room.
He flung open the door without bothering to knock. The two of them leapt in fright when they saw him, and tried to pretend that they hadn't been doing what he knew they were doing, which was sitting on the floor like little kids and plotting. He stared down at them coldly.
He dropped the packages he'd been carrying on the ground. "If you're going to leave, do it now."
They both looked at him with wide eyes. Rukia said, "Nii-sama…you're letting us go?"
He glanced away. "I was ordered to bring you back from the human world. I don't remember getting any orders after that. Go if you want."
They both stared in silence for a long time. Eventually, Byakuya turned to leave.
On his way out, he added, "Also, Hueco Mundo is no place for reckless idiots. You can think of keeping Kurosaki Ichigo from causing trouble as being part of your job." With that, he slid the door closed.
He closed his eyes. Slowly, he clutched a hand to his chest. What should he do with this pain?
Byakuya had wanted to leave the matter at that, but when the opportunity arose, he could not help himself, and made sure he was able to go to Hueco Mundo with the other captains. He knew this would put the rest of the shinigami at a disadvantage when the fight with Aizen began, but he didn't care. The first thing he did was save Rukia. Unfortunately while he was doing that, Kurotsuchi Mayuri went and saved Renji, along with that other human boy whose name he couldn't remember.
There was no real chance to talk to Renji while they were there. In the end, while everyone was being beaten so badly, Byakuya could do almost nothing. The battle was decided, unsurprisingly, by that pernicious idiot Kurosaki Ichigo. After seeing Ichigo fight Aizen, Byakuya no longer felt his pride so hurt that he had lost to him.
After the battle, he tried again to talk to Renji, but their conversations ended with pleasantries. Renji's mind was wrapped up in what was happening with Ichigo. Byakuya himself felt concern for the human, who had intentionally or not saved them all, but he still wished for Renji's attention to turn back to him, if only to hear from his own mouth why he had left.
Finally, things settled down. Renji and Rukia both lost their reasons to go to the human world, or at least as often as they had. Ichigo could no longer see them, after all. Byakuya watched Renji go through the difficult process of letting go of a camaraderie that he had felt with someone who changed the shinigami world as much as he had. It was hard on everyone; even Kenpachi was looking down afterward. He was constantly complaining that there was no one good enough to fight anymore.
Byakuya began to lose hope that he would ever understand what had happened between him and Renji. Then, on an afternoon when he was drinking tea on the porch in his mansion, he had an unexpected visitor.
The temptress Shihouin Yoruichi slipped down from the roof on his mansion to land lightly on her feet beside him. He scowled; for him this meant a very slight narrowing of his eyes.
"Yo," she said.
"This is my private estate. How did you get past the guards?"
The cat flicked her purple hair with an arrogant scoff. "Who do you take me for?"
Byakuya sighed and resolved to leave the matter. He sipped his tea.
The cat grinned at him. "Something getting you down, Byakuya-bou?"
He flicked an annoyed gaze her way. "What makes you say that?"
"Are you kidding? You may think you've gotten rid of you childish reactions, but you've just covered them up a bit." Byakuya rolled his eyes. This was why he hated this woman; she had known him during a time when he had little self-control, a fact which even now brought him shame. "So. What's got you down, Byakuya-bou?"
Byakuya considered, observing the odd leaf in his tea. "Difficult to describe. Also, none of your business."
"Is that right? You know I saw Abarai-kun earlier." Byakuya's heartbeat quickened. "I might be imagining things, but I could swear he seems down too."
Byakuya felt a slight glow of hope in his heart, but he snuffed it out. "No doubt he's still upset about the business with Kurosaki Ichigo. He's a crass man who doesn't know how to conceal his feelings."
Yoruichi raised her eyebrows a bit, interestedly. "Hmm," she commented.
A vein throbbed in Byakuya's forehead. "Yes?" he said, somewhat sharply.
"I just think it's funny how you still refer to him that way. Oh, he may not be the classiest thing on two legs, but I think you know he's a good man. And if he felt like it would help someone, he would hide his feelings."
Byakuya was at first dismissive, but part of him considered her words and logged them away. Nevertheless, he sighed. "Did you need something from me?"
"No. Just thought I might try to cheer you up. Oh, and to tell you that Abarai-kun is on his way here."
"What?" Byakuya nearly dropped his tea.
Yoruichi glanced away in mock innocence. "I may have told him that you were upset about something."
He glared at her, and started to wonder just exactly how much she already knew. "Why would you do that?"
She shrugged. "I don't like to see a sad Byakuya-bou. Let's leave it at that." She stretched and started to leave. "Oh," she said, turning back briefly. "And secretly, I do read the odd yaoi now and then."
Byakuya blushed up to his ears, trembling with embarrassment and anger.
"Bye now!" Yoruichi said, flitting back over the roof.
Byakuya slammed his tea cup on the floor, shaking with rage. He would get her back for that comment, he swore it. On the other hand, he could hardly deny that what she suggested was true, and that was embarrassing in and of itself.
And then, a thought occurred to him. It had been swimming around in the background of his thoughts for many months now. But this one conversation had somehow jogged it free and sent it floating to the front of his consciousness. But…could it be true?
Byakuya stared at the earth in front of him for a long time. Slowly, a blush rose to his cheeks. Even if it was true, could he ever accept it?
Quietly, a servant approached him. "Byakuya-sama, you have a visitor."
Byakuya tightly reigned in his reactions. "Abarai Fukutaichou?" he said, noncommittally.
"Yes."
"Show him in."
Byakuya's heart was pounding. It had been so long since they had spoken properly; even longer since they had spoken in private. He tried to not get his hopes up, but he had been longing to see Renji's honest reactions, the ones he had shown only to Byakuya during that brief time.
His vice captain appeared on the walkway some distance away, and bowed. Byakuya nodded. Then, a moment of panic hit him when he realized, what should he say? Yoruichi had lured Renji here on the pretense that Byakuya was upset; this was only partly true. He was troubled, but upset was taking it a little far. Would Renji leave once he realized the truth?
In the time it took to think these things, Renji had approached him and nodded again, politely. "Kuchiki Taichou. I met Yoruichi-san earlier, she said-"
"Yes," Byakuya interrupted hiding his embarrassment. "That was a lie. I apologize."
"Oh," Renji looked unconvinced. But nevertheless he sighed with a smile. "Well, that's a relief. I can't really imagine Taichou being upset, so it had me worried. If you're all right, then I guess-"
Without thinking, Byakuya grabbed the hem of Renji's hakama as he was turning to leave. Byakuya struggled to think of a reason why he had done this. Eventually, he said, "If you have time, please stay for a while."
Renji was silent for a time. When Byakuya glanced up, he was shocked at the vibrant expression there, the kind that had been absent from Renji's face for a long time. Renji's eyes were somewhere between troubled and panicked, his lips slightly parted. He might have been trembling slightly.
Eventually, Renji lowered his head. "Taichou…I'm sorry, I still…"
Byakuya's grip unconsciously tightened, fearing that Renji would leave again.
Renji covered his eyes with the back of his hand, and now he was trembling. Byakuya saw his jaw tighten, and then Byakuya's eyes widened. A single tear rolled down Renji's face, and soon many more followed it. Guilt sank to the bottom of Byakuya's stomach. Is this what he had wanted?
"I tried to forget, but…I still…love you," Renji whispered, still trembling.
Byakuya's stared at his crying vice captain, unable to speak for a time.
"That's why," Renji murmured, hesitantly lowered his hand and staring at the ground as his tears faded. "I'm still not ready to spend time with you privately yet. I'm afraid of what I might say or do, and I might cause trouble for you again. So…"
While he was talking, Byakuya rose from the floor and approached him. As Renji's words faded, Byakuya took his face gently in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Byakuya's heart fluttered. He'd wanted to be like this with Renji for so long. He had no doubt now that what he suspected about himself was true. He no longer cared. All he wanted was-
Renji grabbed Byakuya by the shoulders and broke away from his kiss. "Stop!" he cried, shoving Byakuya away forcefully.
Byakuya stared, disbelieving.
Renji still trembled, and more tears fell from his eyes. "Taichou, please understand, I can't do that anymore."
I should tell him, Byakuya thought.
"Of course I was very grateful when you offered to do these things with me…"
I have to tell him.
"But…more and more I started getting confused. Thinking that it was more than just sympathy on your part."
I need to tell him.
"And I know that…if I get confused like that, it's just going to make things harder for you."
Tell him.
"I'm sorry, Taichou."
Byakuya's lips parted, and he was unable to move.
Renji turned to leave. Byakuya tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. He was shocked and afraid, but more than anything he didn't want Renji to leave. His body acted before he could.
He grabbed Renji from behind, and with his shunpo, took him straight to his bedroom and locked the door.
Renji looked disbelieving. "Taichou…?" he murmured.
Then Byakuya shoved him back onto his futon.
"Ow," Renji muttered, grasping his elbow.
Then Byakuya removed his obi. Since he was faster and stronger, he was easily able to tie Renji's hands behind his back.
"Taichou…" Renji murmured, starting to sound nervous.
Then Byakuya removed Renji's obi, and with this he gagged his vice captain.
"Mmph!" Renji cried, starting to struggle.
Then, Byakuya reached for Renji's bandana, and slowly pulled it over his eyes. Byakuya's hands were shaking. He knew he would regret this, but he could not stop.
"Mm-mph!" Renji cried, pleading.
Byakuya pretended not to hear him. He removed as much of Renji's clothes as he could with Renji's hands tied behind his back, and finally he indulged in what he'd wanted for so long. Whenever they had made love before, it always felt rushed. Byakuya wanted to enjoy his body, and now he would do just that.
He slowly ran his hand down Renji's chest. His vice captain shivered, though apparently the feeling was not unpleasant to him, since his penis began to twitch. Byakuya took this as a sign to continue. He stroked Renji's body slowly, evoking trembling and he odd noise from his vice captain, who apart from this had become very quiet. It was not long before Renji was hard. Byakuya himself was starting to feel it.
At that point he pressed a kiss onto Renji's chest. Renji flinched and his cock twitched, while a stronger noise escaped him. Byakuya licked a trail up Renji's neck, and softly bit him. Renji's body was shuddering and flinching with every move he made, seemingly uncontrollably. Byakuya stuck his tongue down Renji's ear.
"Mm!" Renji cried, his back arching.
Byakuya explored it deeply before moving on. While he kissed Renji's neck again, he untied Renji's mane of red. He had really liked holding onto it the one time that Renji had sucked him off. He grasped Renji's head and kissed him over the gag. Renji moaned sweetly.
Byakuya panted for a moment. Then he stood. He dragged Renji up so he was on his knees in front of him. Then he pulled out his cock. Renji did not fight him, though he must have known what was coming. Byakuya stroked his length for a moment while looking at Renji's tied-up but still sexy face. He pulled down the gag, but before Renji could speak, he stopped his mouth with his cock.
Renji moaned. Byakuya could see his cock harden below just from having Byakuya in his mouth. So first Byakuya stroked his hair. Then he gripped it, and pulled Renji toward him, bringing him as close as possible to getting his entire length inside his mouth. Renji was moaning, but it seemed to be good moaning, so Byakuya continued. He moved Renji's head over his length over and over, and Renji's cock began to leak precum. Byakuya hadn't even touched him yet. Maybe Renji liked being tied up.
Byakuya was loving this feeling, and apparently so was Renji, but he didn't want to cum in his mouth. So he slowly removed his cock, and placed the gag back over Renji's mouth. Renji whimpered a little, apparently not wanting the gag. Byakuya ignored him.
Then he turned Renji around and shoved his face down into the futon, so Renji's ass was raised in front of him. Renji moaned again, though this time whether good or bad, Byakuya couldn't tell. Nevertheless, since this was Byakuya's home, they would have what he wanted. Sex with Renji had always been good, but since his penis had felt a little raw afterwards, he knew Renji must be feeling the same way, if not more so. He used shunpo to go to his kitchen and retrieve some cooking oil. He returned and spread it over Renji's hole.
"Mmmh!" Renji cried, his back arching. The weight of his upper body was supported on his shoulders and head, and Byakuya could not deny how sexy this pose was, with his hands tied behind his back.
Byakuya gently teased Renji with his fingers, easily finding that place that made Renji go crazy, until he could not wait anymore. He eased his length inside of a trembling Renji. They both moaned at the familiar sensation, then Byakuya began to move inside him.
"Mm…mmm…mmph!" Renji continued to moan, meeting Byakuya's hips with his own.
Byakuya was relieved; he thought Renji might be hurt by what he was doing, but obviously Renji was enjoying himself too. When he felt himself getting close, he reached down and grabbed Renji's cock.
"Mmmm!" Renji cried, his back arching again. Within moments, he came. The tightening of Renji's hold made it difficult for Byakuya to hold on, and soon he came as well.
Byakuya collapsed over Renji, still inside him, bracing his weight on either side of Renji's body. He had missed this smell, the smell of Renji's sweat. The sensation of Renji's body against his own; his hips, his chest, his back, his mouth…he missed his hands too. And the wanton expressions of his eyes. But maybe that could wait until next time. Now that he was calmer, Renji might be willing to go again.
Slowly, Byakuya rose and slid out of Renji. They both uttered a sigh. Byakuya waited for Renji to move, so he could undo the gag and blindfold, but Renji stayed that way for a long time. Eventually, Byakuya removed the tie around his hands first. Renji slowly let his hands meet the futon, but he did not move after that.
Byakuya had a bad feeling as he moved to remove the gag and blindfold. He was not surprised to see that the gag was wet with saliva when he removed it. Unfortunately it was not the only thing that was wet. Byakuya's heart panged so painfully it felt like physical pain.
The blindfold was wet with tears. Renji's cheeks were stained with them. Byakuya almost didn't have the heart to remove it, afraid to see the expression that lay underneath. But Renji was not moving to remove it himself, so he realized he had to.
When he did, Renji's eyes were more confused than sad. But he would not look at Byakuya at first. Eventually, he slowly rose and faced away from Byakuya, thinking. Byakuya didn't know what to say. He'd known it was wrong, he just never thought it would hurt Renji so much.
"Renji…" he murmured.
"It's okay," Renji said, immediately. "You don't need to say anything." He was silent for a time, leaving Byakuya to wonder what he meant. Then he said, "It's okay. I'm sorry…" he muttered, and Byakuya's eyes widened. What the hell could he be sorry for, in this situation? "I'm sorry I was being so selfish, and putting my feelings ahead of yours. If this arrangement works for you, then it's fine. I can do it."
Byakuya was stunned into silence yet again. What was Renji thinking? How could he think that he was the one at fault here?
"May I leave for today?" he asked, quietly.
Byakuya knew he had to tell him, had to correct him and try to make him feel better, but the words just wouldn't come. His guilt overwhelmed him and he lost the will to say anything. Eventually, he nodded, still unable to speak.
"Thank you," Renji murmured.
He dressed relatively quickly, given how shaky his hips were. He stood in front of the door for a moment. Then he said, "I'll come…whenever you need me, Taichou. That's always been true, and it always will be."
Wait.
"Goodbye."
Stop.
But Renji was gone. Byakuya put his head in his hands. What had he done?
