Chapter Six
The dawn light seemed much too bright to Renji as he opened his window. He blinked and cast his gaze down. Then he leaned his weight on the window sill, and stood there for a long time, in the cold and the painful light of the morning.
He could not describe the pain of what had happened last night. In a sense, because part of it wasn't painful at all. He realized that part of him could forgive Kuchiki Taichou anything, and that part merely accepted what had happened as something Taichou wanted. Another part was dying: the part that longed to be loved in return. Far from being loved, Renji's position in Kuchiki Taichou's mind seemed to be approaching sex toy. Or maybe stress relief. To be honest, he didn't know. But in any case, the fact remained that what had happened last night was about as far from being loved in return as you could get.
He had cried plenty during the night, and his eyes were still red and puffy, his cheeks still salty. But in a way, part of him was relieved. It seemed as though Kuchiki Taichou was taking responsibility for their relationship; in other words, he had accepted Renji's feelings and allowed him to stay by his side. Even allowed him a sexual relationship. As long as Renji kept reminding himself that there was no hope for being loved, things now seemed easier.
As for the future…well, he had never been the sort of man to look very far into the future. In the present, all he could do was try to make sure Kuchiki Taichou was happy and had everything he needed. When he thought about it like that, his own pain seemed less significant. He almost smiled, remembering his sweeter feelings again.
Having started the morning with such weighty thoughts, he slapped his cheeks and went to splash some water on his face. After that, he'd find someone to spar with. Such a simple thing, but it almost always made him feel better. It didn't work that way for everyone though.
As he went about his daily duties, Renji was surprised to hear on the rumor mill that Kuchiki Taichou had agreed to spar with Hisagi. Even more surprising was that it was actually Kuchiki who had requested the match. He could not imagine why Taichou would want to do this, but he went to the 9th division barracks immediately.
Obviously, Kuchiki Taichou did not even need to release his shikai against Hisagi, and when Renji found them, in the 9th division training field surrounded by a lot of new recruits, they were parrying admirably. Still, something was strange. Taichou's movements appeared odd to Renji. Somewhat slower, somewhat less coordinated than usual. He might almost say he was drunk, although he wasn't sure he'd ever seen Kuchiki drunk. He continued to watch the fight with concern gathering in his chest.
Kuchiki was on the offensive when he slowed down for a fraction of a second, during which his mind seemed to be elsewhere. Renji gasped, knowing this was a fatal mistake. But it was too late. Kazeshini drove itself deep into Kuchiki Taichou's back. Hisagi stood shocked, as were all observing the match. A moment of horrible silence followed.
Then a reign of shouts began, people calling for the fourth division.
Renji leapt over everyone in the way and knelt beside Kuchiki. Hisagi was there too, looking horrified.
"Taichou, I'm so sorry…" Hisagi was saying. "Can you hear me?"
"Taichou," Renji said, firmly. He lifted Kuchiki's head into his hands.
His captain was surprisingly lucid. Or so he seemed. "I'm fine…" he murmured. There was the smell of sake on his breath.
Renji nearly screamed at him. "You are not fine! What were you thinking?"
"Renji," Kuchiki murmured. He tugged on Renji's sleeve to pull him closer and speak softly to him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You don't need to forgive me, just please know that I'm sorry. I…"
As he said this, Kuchiki's eyes started to flutter closed. Renji glanced down and his heart nearly stopped. There was so much blood. It spread out in a sickening pool in the dirt. "Ta…" Renji whispered. Then he screamed, "Taichou!"
As it turned out, the wound was not fatal. He would have bled out eventually, but after a few days in the relief station Kuchiki would be fine. The bigger problem was how Renji could ever forgive him for being so reckless, no matter what the reason. He could never hate Taichou, but he was now terrified that something like this might happen again. And he could not believe that Kuchiki had done something so out of character and downright stupid.
He was sitting in a chair beside Kuchiki Taichou's bed when his captain's eyes opened. He glanced around. "This is…" he murmured.
"4th division relief station," Renji barked. "Where do you think?"
Kuchiki looked a bit surprised at Renji's harsh tone, but he only looked at his face for a moment and then glanced away. "Why are you here?" he murmured.
"Why?" Renji sighed. "I wonder. It might be because I thought you were going to die in my arms, and I needed to see your face or I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight." When he said this, Kuchiki's eyes widened and Renji thought he saw a hopeful feeling there. "It might also be because my captain's irresponsible actions had me worried half to death, and I came to kick some sense into him."
Taichou's gaze lowered. "I see. It's the second one."
Renji frowned at this reaction, but he merely replied, "It's both, obviously." He chuckled a little, then sat back in his chair and folded his leg to put his ankle on his knee. "It's so funny to me, Taichou, that no matter how many times I tell you, it doesn't seem to sink in that I'm in love with you. No matter what irresponsible thing you do."
Kuchiki was silent for a long time, and he seemed to be staring up at the ceiling. Presently, he moved his forearm to cover his eyes. "How can you still say that?" he muttered, so softly Renji could barely hear.
Renji felt a twinge of pain from what had happened yesterday. He glanced away, and then said, "Well. Could Hisana-sama have ever done anything to make you hate her?"
Kuchiki's eyes flew open.
"No, right? It's like that. I have to tell you though, whatever is bothering you, I'd much rather you take it out on me than on yourself. I had a moment there, when-"
"It's not the same," Kuchiki interjected, closing his eyes again underneath his forearm. "Hisana could never hurt me."
Renji grew quiet, but he was confused why Taichou was acting this way. Although usually tight-lipped about things that bothered him, Renji had to try to find out. "You didn't hurt me, Taichou."
"Then why were you crying?"
Renji had to stop there. Yes, in a sense, he had hurt him, and very deeply. But not physically. "You don't need to ask that, Taichou. I was upset because…I realized Kira was right. Sex without feelings is painful…" he stopped himself, knowing that might upset him further. "But now that I know that, I can prepare."
"You don't care how I feel about you?"
Renji started to get angry again. "Taichou, why can't you understand? I keep telling you, I love you. I love you like you love Hisana-sama. Of course I want you to love me in return, but because I love you, I understand that that's impossible. Please try to believe me this time."
Kuchiki had been silent for a while, so Renji looked closer. His arm was shaking, and Renji thought he saw a tear run down his face. "Those words are wasted on me. When I can't even…"
Renji gazed at him for a long time in disbelief. Then, he gently touched his arm to lower it. There was indeed a single tear stain on Kuchiki's cheek, his face slightly strained and his gaze far away from Renji.
"I can't…say it. I tried to…but instead I…" Kuchiki stopped speaking for a moment and another tear fell as his eyes shut tightly.
"Taichou…" Renji murmured, softly. "I don't know what's bothering you, but if it's too painful, you don't have to tell me. You getting all worked up like this, it's not like you. Let me help if I can, but don't push yourself."
Byakuya scoffed and covered his face again with his hand in self-deprecation. "This isn't getting anywhere. You treat me like an unfeeling monster."
Renji's eyes widened and his stomach dropped. Was that true?
"All these months…do you know what it's been like?" Kuchiki continued, softly. "I didn't know why you left, or if I'd done something to make you go. You always showed me this sad expression but never told me why. I started to think that loving me was too hard for you, and that's why you left. But I didn't know, because you never told me how you felt, except that you loved me. It's a signifying word, it conveys no real information."
Byakuya was crying in earnest as he said, "Was I that cruel to you? Did it hurt you so much to be around me that you couldn't stand to see me anymore? You still say that you love me, but you should understand how little that means when you say that and nothing else."
Renji was in total disbelief, and also felt a stab of guilt that Kuchiki Taichou was absolutely right; he had been thinking of Taichou as someone who didn't feel anything. He never imagined how hurtful that could be to him, a noble man who took pride in his ability to control his emotions. But there was something he didn't understand.
"Taichou…you're right. I'm so sorry, I never thought you would feel this way. If I had I would have explained myself better, and told you how I was feeling. It's just…I didn't want to bother you, or force my feelings on you. I'm surprised you cared that much what I thought."
Byakuya blinked. And there it was. He had run out of excuses. There was only one explanation for the things he had just said. But could he say it?
He felt his whole body trembling, and his cheeks turned dark pink. Hesitantly, he gripped the front of Renji's shihakusho. His vice captain stared but said nothing. Then Byakuya pulled him closer. Hardly believing what he was saying, he said, "Can you make love to me now?"
Renji's face practically exploded with color, and at this range, Byakuya could feel the heat from him cheeks. Renji stumbled for words, and then murmured, "Taichou…I don't really understand, but it's going to be hard for me to refuse that offer. Are you sure?"
Still trembling slightly, Byakuya nodded.
Renji stared down at him with a lustful and beautiful gaze. He brushed some of Byakuya's hair out of his face. Then, in a gesture of gentleness that nearly broke Byakuya's heart, he lightly kissed Byakuya's forehead. He returned to gaze at him and then brushed his lips as softly as a butterfly.
Byakuya closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Renji's neck, drawing him closer. They kissed deeply, showing their longing for one another. Then Byakuya reached down and caressed Renji's cock over his hakama.
Renji yelped and grabbed Byakuya's hand. "Taichou…sorry, but, if you want me to be on top, you can't tempt me. I could have come just from hearing you ask me, so let me do the work this time, okay?"
Surprising himself, Byakuya chuckled a little. At times like this, Renji could be quite cute. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'll leave it to you, then."
Renji kissed him again, affectionately twining their tongues together, then he began to strip Byakuya, kissing and caressing him everywhere skin became exposed. Byakuya's body was getting hot.
"How is your pain?" Renji asked, though his voice was slightly muffled as his tongue was pressed against Byakuya's pectoral.
Byakuya nodded tightly, trying not to moan. "Almost gone. It was a clean wound, I think I'll be mostly healed by tomorrow."
"That's good to hear." Renji bit down on Byakuya's nipple.
Against his will, Byakuya let out a small noise and threw his head back. He trembled and tried to reign in his reaction. The next time Renji did that, it was easier. But then with his left hand Renji suddenly flicked Byakuya's other nipple. Byakuya threw his hand over his mouth. Renji continue to flick, lick and suck Byakuya's nipples until Byakuya was fully hard.
Next, Renji made a trail of kisses to Byakuya's belly button, and lightly licked him there. Byakuya flinched a little in confusion, never having been pleasured there. But it was not too bad. Renji continued moving further down, but instead of going straight to Byakuya's cock, as he was hoping, the trail stopped there.
He looked up as Renji instead brought Byakuya's foot up to his mouth. Byakuya was stunned at the intense sensation when Renji stuck his tongue between his toes. Why should his feet be so sensitive? Renji licked the instep and sucked on each of Byakuya's toes, then he kissed the inside of his foot, then his ankle, then all up his calf, and then knee…
Byakuya's breathing became harsh and uneven. The last time Renji had been in control he had also had to hold himself back from moaning, but this time Renji seemed to be teasing him on purpose. As kisses came achingly close to his cock, Byakuya writhed on the bed, longing to feel Renji's mouth on him. But just as Renji's cheek lightly brushed his cock, Renji's touch again vanished. Byakuya was getting annoyed, but when Renji returned, he was carrying a small bottle.
"Lotion," he said, pouring some into his hand. "Good thing this is an infirmary. Taichou, you know, almost everyone feels pain at first. It usually gets better quickly."
Byakuya nodded. "All right."
Renji looked doubtful, but he hesitantly rubbed the lotion into Byakuya's hole. Byakuya closed his eyes, exploring the sensation. It didn't feel bad exactly; perhaps a little wrong, because it was something he'd never done before, but not bad. In fact it was kind of exciting. Then Renji's lips met his cock.
"Ah!" Byakuya cried out, his head falling back against the pillow. His hips moved enthusiastically toward Renji's mouth.
Renji's mouth was just as good as ever. He swallowed Byakuya deeply and ran his tongue up and down his length at the same time. He tilted his head and sucked hard on the side of the shaft, producing a weird but very good sensation. He licked Byakuya's balls and took them into his mouth, then glided his tongue along the seam between them.
Byakuya was panting heavily, and was losing his ability to reign in his reactions. Renji swallowed him deeply once again, distracting him, so Byakuya hardly noticed when he inserted the first finger. Byakuya blinked, feeling a small amount of pain, but nothing major. In fact the strangeness was making him even hotter. He breathed into that feeling and let his hips continue to move against Renji's mouth.
Renji flexed his finger inside of Byakuya, moving it in all different ways in order to loosen Byakuya's hole. Then it found a spot on the other side of Byakuya's stomach. His eyes widened, and his breath caught. It was only an instant, but it felt wonderful. Renji notice his reaction, and grinned. He stoked the area again. Byakuya let out a small moan. He wanted more.
Soon, Renji inserted another finger. This one did give a small amount of pain, but the longer Renji's fingers were inside him, the better it felt. It also helped that Renji almost never broke his concentration and continued dutifully sucking Byakuya's cock.
But Byakuya was starting to feel strange. He didn't intend on feeling this good, and it was making him confused. Renji inserted a third finger, and simultaneously brushed Byakuya's prostate with his fingers and frenulum with his tongue. Byakuya had to bite his lip and grip the sheets to keep from coming. Then he grabbed Renji and pulled him up so their faces were level.
"Please, Renji," he said.
Renji swallowed. "Are you sure?"
Byakuya's heart ached. He nodded.
Renji breathed in and out, and then lined himself up between Byakuya's legs. The tip had some trouble getting in, but once it did, the rest slid in smoothly.
Byakuya cried out, his fingernails digging into Renji's shoulder blades. Then, unable to stop himself, he pulled Renji down so he could whisper in his ear. He said the words so softly that he wasn't sure Renji heard them.
Renji's whole body froze. All of a sudden, he twitched, trembled and breathed out heavily. Then he stood panting over Byakuya. "Shit," he muttered.
Byakuya realized what had happened, and couldn't help chuckling.
"Don't laugh yet, Taichou," Renji said, although his pride did sound a little hurt. "Just wait," he said.
Presently, Byakuya felt him growing hard again inside him. He stared at him. "You can do that?" he murmured.
Renji shrugged. "Young and in love. But tell me, Taichou, is it true? What you just said."
Byakuya couldn't answer. It had taken all of his courage to say it just once. Instead, he pulled Renji close again, and murmured, "Don't stop."
Well Renji could hardly argue with that. He hugged Byakuya so tight it hurt, and then thrust inside him.
"Ahh!" Byakuya cried, arching his back. His head would have hit the bed but Renji was still holding him so tightly.
Even though he had just come, Renji's face was tight, obviously he was close again already. But weirdly, so was Byakuya. Even though this was his first time and he did feel some pain, Byakuya was so thrilled at the feeling of Renji inside him, especially after all this time, that his body was manifesting what he was feeling inside, and that was, euphoric.
"Taichou," Renji murmured, stroking his hair. "You feel so amazing. I never thought I could do this with you."
Byakuya quietly held tight to him.
"Does it hurt?"
Byakuya shook his head.
"Does it feel good?"
Byakuya merely blushed and held tighter to Renji. But this seemed to push Renji past his breaking point. Forgetting that Byakuya was injured and a virgin, Renji grabbed Byakuya by the hips and drove his length deeply inside him again and again.
Byakuya moaned loudly, unable to stop himself anymore. It hurt, but it also felt so good, as he had longed for Renji to express himself for so long. He felt like he could finally understand Renji's feelings this way. Renji slowed down for a moment to lick Byakuya's neck and face like a friendly dog. Byakuya would have laughed but it felt too good. This kind of affection was what he craved.
Renji began to move in him slowly again, rocking Byakuya's hips up to meet his own. Byakuya moaned. At this angle, Renji's cock was rubbing against his prostate once in each direction. He started to lose control.
Renji saw this, and instead of backing off, he gripped Byakuya's cock. Then he pounded him again and again, jerking him off at the same time. Byakuya's fingers were still digging into Renji's shoulders, a fact he did not seem to mind one bit. Then Byakuya finally let go, and bit Renji hard on the neck as he came. Renji cried out at the sensation, and poured his load into Byakuya's belly. They lay still moaning for many long seconds, both a little bit stunned at what they'd just experienced.
Eventually, Renji slipped out of Byakuya. Byakuya felt relieved from the light pain and pressure, but also sad because he feared that Renji would leave again.
But Byakuya held him close for a moment. Then he murmured, "I didn't mean to hurt you that time."
Renji pulled back a bit to meet his gaze. Then he smiled softly. "You didn't. And now that I know why you did it, I'm almost happy about it. Plus…" then he trailed off and looked away with a blush.
"What?"
"Umm," Renji murmured, scratching the side of his face. "It felt kind of good to be tied up."
Byakuya was silent for a moment. Then he remarked, "Hm."
"So, Taichou…it's okay if you can't say them again, but about those words you said to me…"
Byakuya looked up worriedly.
"Is it okay if I keep believing them?"
Byakuya felt happiness rising in his chest, but he kept most of it from his face. "That's up to you," he muttered.
Renji grinned. He hugged Byakuya again, making his captain simultaneously happy and embarrassed. "Renji," Byakuya patted his shoulder, indicating he should let go for a moment, which he did. "For my family's sake…I can't have a relationship like this."
Renji's happiness faded. Byakuya felt his heart breaking. Renji had finally shown true happiness in front of him, and he couldn't keep it. But, hoping he could make it better, Byakuya continued.
"So…it may be painful for you, but…do you think we can be lovers secretly?"
Then suddenly, the pain vanished from Renji's face. "Lovers?"
Byakuya nodded, though he did blush a little.
Renji's face exploded again. Shyly, he turned away, thinking for a time as he pressed the backs of his hands to his cheeks to cool them down. Then he looked at Byakuya. "Seriously?"
Byakuya frowned, wanting to know what he was thinking. "Yes. Are you saying no?"
"Jesus no!" Renji cried. He planted his hands on either side of Byakuya's head and bent down over him. "If you're okay with a bum like me," he said, gently.
Byakuya scoffed. "You talk like that's something new."
But ignoring his insult with a blithe grin, Renji grabbed his captain up into his arms again. "Sooo, sooo happy," Renji whispered.
Byakuya's heart felt like it might fly from his chest. He rested his head against Renji's shoulder, and against his will several happy tears fell.
The next morning, Renji happened to meet Kira, and Byakuya happened to meet Yoruichi separately. By noon, every single one of their friends knew what had happened, even though neither of them had said a thing. Of course, with such perceptive friends, they really didn't need to.
Byakuya's first clue was when Kyouraku Taichou stopped him in a corridor with a light elbow to the ribs and said, "It all worked out, huh?" with a lascivious grin.
A vein popped in Byakuya's head. "All what?" he inquired, but Kyouraku was already around the corner, humming to himself.
Renji was stopped by Matsumoto, who squeezed him with her breasts and remarked, "Why does this happen to all the good ones?"
Unfortunately she did so in front of Hisagi, who very gallantly held back a crushed expression.
Several similar incidents occurred before Renji and Byakuya saw each other again. When they did, they went into Byakuya's office and locked the door. Then both of them heaved sighs and leaned against the door.
"They all know," Renji muttered.
"It would seem so," Byakuya replied, trying not to look annoyed. Renji was looking troubled as he stood with his hand against the door. Byakuya noticed this. "What are you thinking?" he asked.
Renji blinked, remembering that not saying things had hurt Byakuya before. So even though it was selfish, he murmured, "I was just wondering if…it might be better for you if we broke it off."
Byakuya regarded Renji silently for a few moments. Then he sighed. He approached Renji and wrapped him in his arms, placing a kiss on his cheek. Renji hesitantly allowed himself to be held. "Even if you said you wanted to leave me," Byakuya said. "I'd never let you do it again." Renji blushed. "Besides, what's done is done. Although they like to gossip, I don't think our friends will cause us any harm. Although…" he muttered, starting to form a scowl. "I may have to kill Yoruichi."
But Renji merely smiled. He buried himself in his captain's embrace and squeezed him affectionately in return. "I love you, Taichou. Love, love, love, love."
Byakuya smiled lightly. "And I…I'll say it again sometime in the future."
"Good enough!" Renji said, and promptly pounced on his captain.
