A/N: Thank you, thank you to Caranath, Really Cinderella, gwen, lovepinnk, the. vulture, LazyPanther, Me, Jabba1, and Ealasaid Una for your reviews. I look forward to every one I get, and I so appreciate your writing them.
Here's where we really start to get into spoilers (meaning: some things will actually start getting explained). In addition to the previously mentioned Lazarus Plot, I've also made some references to HB Casefile #80: Dead of Night. (Another personal favorite of mine. Nothing even approaching these levels of batshit insanity ever goes down in the ND Files. For real.)
Enjoy!
The two brides stared down at the four Hardy boys.
"I have a few hunches." Nancy said. "But I'd like to hear what you have to say about all this." She motioned again to the Frank she'd held hands with at the altar.
Tuxedo Frank cleared his throat. "The first thing you need to know is that there is a group called the Lazarus clinic that specializes in creating doubles of people."
It was just like Frank to come straight to the heart of the matter, to explain the entire story in a coherent and logical order. Nancy wondered if the other Frank would have started his story the same way. "Like clones?" she asked.
Tuxedo Frank smiled at her. "Not really. It's a combination of extensive plastic surgery and psychological reprogramming. The staff mostly consists of war criminals from Germany, China, and Russia, using techniques developed by unethical human testing in prison camps during World War II and the Cold War." He must have seen her pale, because he agreed, "It's nasty stuff. They start with a person of a similar body type to the subject and surgically alter them to look identical to the original, even down to the fingerprints. They collect information about the original and use it to implant memories into the double's head using a sophisticated form of brainwashing. By the time they're done, the double knows everything the original knows, and his previous identity is completely erased."
"So, whichever ones of you are the copies might not even know you're the copies?" Vanessa said slowly.
Tuxedo Frank shrugged. "They might, or they might not."
"You mean you might." Sweatpants Joe ground out. "Since you're the copies."
Nancy held up her hand to stop an argument from starting. "This is getting us nowhere."
"You don't understand, Nan! We've run into these guys before!" Sweatpants Joe exploded. "On a case in Maine. They made a double of... of Iola. As a trap, for me." At the reference to Joe's dead girlfriend, all eyes jumped to Vanessa, but she remained calm.
"And how could you tell it wasn't her?" Vanessa asked.
Tuxedo Joe answered before his counterpart could. "I couldn't." he said quietly. "They replicated her memories by reading her diary. I thought it was really her, until she pulled a gun on us."
"Iola wasn't the only one who was doubled, Joe." Tuxedo Frank reminded. "So was Vanessa. Callie too."
Vanessa grew pale, and Nancy looped a supportive arm around her waist. "What are you talking about?" she asked Frank.
But Vanessa spoke up before he could answer. "A couple of years ago..." she murmured. "On Halloween... I saw..."
Sweatpants Joe's eyes widened. "You did see your double, didn't you?" he said, and shuddered. "That was the day that I thought you blew up, and the zombies were coming out of the ground, the elderly midget in a skeleton costume gave me a ghost message on a candy wrapper..." he trailed off, eyes still wide, until he realized that everyone was staring at him."Well... I... I guess from your point of view, it was the day you got kidnapped and stashed in an old mill for a couple of hours."
Vanessa shook her head wondrously. "I remember wrestling with her, when she was trying to shoot you. I knew that she looked like me, but... I guess I just thought I was a little messed up from the drugs they gave me. I don't know why I never asked you about it. I guess I thought you were trying to forget the whole thing."
"I was."
Nancy stared around at them all incredulously. "What do you get up to in Bayport? Is this whole evil double thing more normal than I think it should be? Does everyone have one?"
"Callie's is dead." Tuxedo Frank said flatly, with an expression that Nancy couldn't—and didn't care to—identify. Instead, she moved on.
"So there's a group that makes doubles of people, and the doubles can also be programmed to act, to kill." she surmised. "That's one difference between the fakes and the originals."
"But there have to be other flaws!" Vanessa said. "There's no way they could replicate a person's memories exactly. Especially since neither of you guys keeps a journal, as far as I know." She looked at Nancy. "I want to talk to them both, separately. Whichever one's the fake is bound to have holes in his memory that the research didn't fill in."
Nancy nodded. "It's a good thought." she said. "But don't go far. Use the privacy screen in the corner." The ambient noise level from the rest of the church was loud enough that they could speak privately if they kept their voices low. "And you two—" she pointed at both Joes. "Don't try anything. I promised Bess I would try not to kick anyone's ass today."
While Vanessa cross-examined the two Joes, Nancy found herself faced with both Franks, who were looking at her expectantly. She grabbed one of the Joes' vacated chairs and sat down across from them. "So..."
Sweatpants Frank used his head to gesture over at Vanessa. "It's not going to work." he said. "Neither of us keep a journal, but we both write a lot of stuff down. We record the details of our cases pretty meticulously, we write letters and emails, we make phone calls and text people. It's all stuff people can get a hold of if they're powerful enough."
"True." Nancy said. "But she might stumble across a hole."
"Everyone has things they don't remember, Nan. Even the originals are going to have memory gaps. And human memory is one of the least reliable records you can have. It's incredibly suggestible. I'm sure that's how the fake Iola managed to fool Joe the first time around."
"I'll let Vanessa worry about the how." Nancy said calmly. "I want to talk about the why."
"Finally!" Tuxedo Frank grinned at her, causing his double to frown. "Someone asks the right question."
"Joe and Vanessa are going to the Caribbean for their honeymoon." Nancy said. "Frank and I are going to Egypt, because we thought it would be romantic to go back there as a real married couple... and because the Network offered to pay our way if we accepted a courier mission while we were there." She looked between the two Franks. Neither seemed the least bit surprised by this information, not that she'd expected them to be. "It's a pretty simple mission: pick up a package of valuable intel, guard it with our lives, and bring it back to the States. It's also the most probable reason I can think of as to why somebody would want to replace the real Frank with a double: to get that package."
"The Assassins." Both Franks said together. With a glare at his counterpart, Sweatpants Frank elaborated, "The Lazarus clinic hires out their services to the Assassins, the terrorist organization that planted the bomb that killed Iola."
"Okay, the Assassins, then." Nancy allowed. "Let's be honest, it doesn't really matter who sent them. Once we figure out which one is you, you'll call in the Network, and they'll clean it up like it never happened.
"So let's say they—the Assassins—needed to make the switch before we left the country. Since we're leaving in the morning and we were going to be surrounded by everyone we know for the rest of the night tonight, the most logical time to make the replacement was right before the wedding. As for why they tried to replace Joe too..." Nancy frowned in thought. "Maybe they thought he would notice if you weren't you. Regardless, one of two things happened."
She looked first at Sweatpants Frank. "You'll say that while you and Joe were getting ready for the wedding, these guys—your doubles—waylaid you and stole your tuxes. Then they incapacitated you, probably tied you up and left you somewhere, and came to take your places at the wedding. Of course, that would take a while, which is why they showed up late. You and Joe somehow managed to escape from wherever you were being held, and got here even later to stop the wedding."
"The trunk of their car." Sweatpants Frank confirmed. "Which they tried to roll into the river."
"You," she pointed to the other Frank, "Will say roughly the same thing, except that when the doubles attacked you and Joe, you were able to overpower them, leave them somewhere, and make it to the wedding late before they escaped and interrupted it."
"Right in one." Tuxedo Frank said. "As usual. I told you we had a bit of a situation."
"Which is actually grossly understating it, by the way." Nancy said, with a roll of her eyes. She lifted the bloodstained bundle of ice she'd been holding to her face and touched her lip tenderly. It was cold and sore.
Sweatpants Frank ran an agitated hand through his already-messy hair. "Joe and Van are going to kill us when they find out we ruined the wedding by taking on a secret Network mission without telling them."
Nancy grimaced. They would be upset, and she could hardly blame them. Although, to be fair, no one on earth could possibly have anticipated this happening. She sighed. "I guess the easiest way to prove you're the real Frank would be to contact the Network. I assume there's some kind of complicated trick to it that the fake wouldn't know."
Both Franks looked chagrined at this suggestion.
"That's going to be a problem." Sweatpants Frank said hesitantly. "There is a complicated code we have to enter. But the modem we use to make contact was destroyed during the fight at my apartment earlier. I could tell you the code, but he'll just make up his own, and it will still be his word against mine." He frowned, then snapped his fingers. "Assassins often carry a hidden poison capsule in a false tooth, in case they get captured! Check our teeth."
The other Frank looked surprised, then said, "Don't bother, Nan. He must've known you were going to check and not worn his capsule. That's why he suggested it."
"I'd rather check for myself, if you don't mind." she sighed. "Open up."
"I'd expect nothing less." Tuxedo Frank said with a smile before opening his mouth wide.
Nancy peered in hesitantly.
"I won't bite." he said.
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, that's what I'm afraid of." She checked both of their mouths, even running her fingers over their molars, but found no false tooth. It was another stalemate. She closed her eyes, frustration momentarily washing over her. Suddenly, she was exhausted.
"We could-"
"Stop." Nancy held up a hand to quiet whichever Frank was trying to talk to her now. "I have to figure this out on my own. If either one of you helps me I'll spend the rest of my married life doubting you. And I'm thinking that life won't be too long, if you're telling the truth about the doubles working for the Assassins. I mean, it's right there in the name."
Vanessa came back over then, the two Joes trailing behind her. Her face was bright red. "They both know everything." she murmured in Nancy's ear, sinking down into the chair beside her. "Everything. Even the really personal stuff." She rested her forehead on Nancy's shoulder. "I want to die..."
Nancy frowned sympathetically, glad she hadn't decided to ask the Franks anything personal. The idea that one of these fake Franks might know the intimate details of her private life was as frightening as it was embarrassing. "Well..." she said finally. "There's only one thing left to do then."
"Which is?" Vanessa asked anxiously.
Nancy shrugged. "Pick your favorite and let's go get married."
"What?!" All four grooms and Vanessa.
"I suggest we go with the tuxedo brothers, since they won't need to waste even more time changing." Nancy deadpanned, standing up and using the damp handkerchief to wipe the last remnants of blood from her face. "We're burning daylight here. The reception started half an hour ago and we've barely started the wedding. We rented a hall, you guys."
"Are you insane?" Sweatpants Joe burst out.
Nancy ignored him, a tight bundle of nerves coiling in her stomach as she contemplated her next few sentences. Outwardly, though, she was calm, coolly leaning into the mirror to reapply lipstick to her slightly-swollen lips.
"What are we gonna do with these guys?" Tuxedo Joe asked, pointing a thumb at the outraged Sweatpants Joe and Frank.
"Tie them up, I guess." Nancy suggested. "We'll worry about them after the ceremony." She met Sweatpants Frank's eyes in the mirror and looked away quickly. It was now or never. She turned to the Joes. "I can't believe the Assassins went to this much trouble, risked this much exposure, all for a stupid package." she remarked.
"Package? What package?" Sweatpants Joe retorted angrily.
"It's not just a stupid package, Nancy. Do you know what could happen if that kind of sensitive military information fell into the wrong hands?" Tuxedo Joe answered at the same time.
"I know." she said to Tuxedo Joe slowly, calmly. But you shouldn't, she finished silently, her eyes lighting up with triumph as she realized her trap had worked.
Then she swallowed hard as it registered that she was staring into the face of the fake Joe Hardy, a lethal assassin who was just realizing, in that moment, that he'd been made.
It all happened in two seconds. Tuxedo Joe grabbed for her, but Sweatpants Frank—the real Frank, she now knew—was too fast for him, leaping to her defense and twisting the false Joe's arm behind his back, forcing him to his knees.
Tuxedo Frank sprang into action at the same time, pushing Vanessa out of the way as he also lunged for Nancy. Vanessa's head smacked against one of the folding chairs, forcing the real Joe to forget about him and catch her.
Nancy saw Tuxedo Frank's attack out of the corner of her eye and whirled to face him, instinctively stepping back into a defensive position. Unfortunately, the heel of her shoe became ensnared in the hem of her silken dress. The fabric twisted around her ankle and she stumbled, lurching forward.
Directly into the false Frank's arms.
He spun her around to face the rest of the group, using one strong arm to keep her arms pinned to her sides. His other hand he wrapped around her throat, just under her jaw. "Nobody move," he commanded in a cold, heartless tone, a tone that the real Frank had never uttered. "Or I'll kill her right now."
