They all stared at each other across the study room table in something of a stunned silence. Jeff wished he stood above it all like he usually did, but he was right there with the rest of the group. Desperately trying to find words for what had happened in their just concluded history class.
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Annie picking a stray lego from her hair. She sheepishly dropped it on the table top with a single 'plink' and everyone stared at it as if, maybe, it contained answers. Pierce quietly hummed the tune that the Doctor had taught them during the presentation and Jeff finally felt someone had to break the silence.
"That…" he said. "That wasn't what I thought it would be…"
"I'll say," Troy nodded and absentmindedly licked at the choclolate smear of ice cream that ringed his upper lips. "I never knew that legos could make me cry or that the Trojan's didn't actually invent condoms."
"That was the first time I ever felt that plot holes actually improved a history lesson," Abed said.
Jeff shook his head. The more they spoke, the more he wanted to deny how amazing the lesson was but he recognized that lying about such the obvious fact, how awesome that class was, would stretch too thin even his powers of persuasion.
"I've never believed in God," Britta brought him out of his thoughts. "But after that lesson, I think I might be ready to accept Athena as my Savior… no offense Shirley."
"None taken," Shirley shook her head. "After what we just saw… I understand."
"So…" Jeff glanced from person to person. "Do you think we should… study?"
"I honestly don't see the point," Annie said. "I mean if all we do is just stare at these text books does that make us any better than Agamemnon when he wouldn't listen to Odysseus after he invented hopscotch to confuse the Trojans?"
"Um…" Jeff started. "Did that actually happen? Now that I think of it… some of that stuff seemed unlikely."
"He also invented a Laser Horse!" Troy interrupted.
"I don't think the horse was actually made of lasers," Jeff said.
"I liked it when he told us that the one thing the movie got right was Brad Pitt," Shirley said.
In a matter of seconds the entire study group broke down into recounting their absolute favorite parts of the Doctor's lesson on the Trojan War. From his demonstration, to the little factoids he dropped seemingly out of no where; Jeff had never seen 'Annie' Levels of enthusiasm in the group over any school subject. Was he the only one that noticed that the lesson he gave really didn't make sense?
"You know," Pierce jumped in. "I've taken History 101 at Greendale more than half a dozen times and I have to say that I've never seen the Trojan War taught like that."
"Pierce is right," Jeff motioned toward the old man. "I'm not sure we can believe this Doctor. You remember what he did with the sombrero? How could that have happened in ancient Greece? I think the Doctor might be a few Olsen's short of a Full House."
"Olsen's?" Troy said. "You mean those hot rich girls that sell stuff?"
"I think he means the Osmonds," Pierce said. "And that's not what I was saying. I was saying that I've never heard the Trojan War like that, but this is the first time I've actually believed it ever even happened."
"Yeah come on Jeff," Britta said. "We all know you would have preferred to play hookie but even you have to admit that the Doctor's class was amazing."
The study room silenced and all eyes went to Jeff. His brain buzzed with plenty of things he knew were wrong about the lesson they'd just had. But deep down, his gut only told him one thing, and on the spot as he was, he just blurted out exactly what he really thought.
"Okay the bit with the Mars Bars was pretty epic."
"Right?" Annie jumped in. "I just… I was skeptical when he had us throw our books out but… wow! He was just amazing!"
"Oooh!" Shirley said. "And we all saw the way he looked at you when… oh speak of the devil! Doctor! Oh Doctor in here!"
Jeff craned his neck to see the Doctor passing by the door only to take a few steps backward so he could look into the study room at Shirley. Jeff shifted in his chair just slightly to get a better view as the Doctor placed his hands on either side of the door frame and leaned in slightly.
"Oh hello!" the Doctor said pleasantly. "You're the study group right? From the history class."
"That's us!" Troy said. "We were just talking about your class and such. Not that we don't have other cool things to talk about… it's not like we thought your class was the coolest thing that ever happened and want to have it's babies… we're way too cool for that… cool enough to talk about really cool things that… even you might find… cool or smart… right?"
"Exactly," Abed said as if Troy's yammering actually led to his point. "I was wondering if you thought the Trojan's would have stood a better chance if they would have had more efficient weaponry like semi-automatics."
"Yes," the Doctor rubbed his chin. "Yes I suppose so, but that's hardly the point. They were going to open that horse one way or another no matter what I told them."
"What?" Jeff said.
"What?" the Doctor repeated then looked at his watch. "Oh look at the time. Best be off. Jeff reminded me earlier that I haven't seen the latest episode of Inspector Spacetime… I have the film and just need to-"
"You watch Inspector Spacetime?" Abed said and exchanged looks with Troy.
"Troy and Abed are huge fans," Annie said. "Doctor, I know you want to get going, but we're about to have our study session. We'd love it if you sat in with us for a bit! Maybe give us pointers!"
"Annie-" Jeff started, only to be interrupted by Pierce.
"As official leader of the group," he said. "I can make you an honorary member."
"An honorary member of a study group!" the Doctor's face lit up. "I've never been an honorary study group member before! Alright!"
Before Jeff could mount any sort of protest, either for the Doctor sitting in or Pierce claiming leadership of the group, their substitute teacher strode into the room and took the empty chair right next to him. Unconsciously, Jeff pushed himself a little bit taller in his seat. It was rare for him to meet someone roughly his same height.
"Okay," the Doctor rubbed his hands together as he scooted his chair in. "A study group! A group for studying! I assume you meet regularly? Seven times a day… no that's stupid, you'd never get to class if you did that. So four times? We're on the fourth study session of the day?"
"Just once a day," Jeff said. "Occasionally twice if we have a big project coming up."
"We were just about to go over our notes from your class," Annie added, giving the Doctor a wide smile. "…Or maybe go over a bit of the next chapter. I'm sort of the study group organizer."
"Is that all it is with you people? History?" the Doctor said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all about history but there's so much more we could study than that! Recently I've taken to knitting? Anybody else knit?"
Shirley and Britta shot their hand's up in the air and the Doctor clapped his hands together in delight.
"Oooh," Shirley said. "What do you knit?"
"Yarn," the Doctor cocked his head to the side just a bit like thought the question and not his answer was odd. Then his eyes flashed with recognition. "Oh! You mean what I specifically knit not what I use to knit with. Right. Of course… I actually have my latest piece…"
The Doctor fished into his coat pocket and stretched out a massive multicolored scarf. After three tugs he finally got it all the way out and Jeff strained his neck a bit trying to figure out where he had put the entire thing. His pocket should have been budging at the seams. None of the others seemed to care at all about that, they seemed too enthralled with his knitting project.
"I had one just like it when I was younger," the Doctor said. "Oh those were the days, eating jelly babies, visiting Paris, I thought this was quite the fashion statement at the time. Don't worry, learned my lesson since then, I now recognize the proper use of neckware."
"You mean the bowtie?" Jeff said.
"Yeah," the Doctor quirked a grin. "Bowties are cool."
"That's what I've been saying!" Troy said.
"Anyway, back to the task at hand," The Doctor said. "Studying! Oh, that could be a subject we could look into! A study group that studies the art of studying. What about you, no one be shy? What do you want to study? If you could study any thing at any time and any place, what would it be?"
"History," Jeff said, pointing to their history books. "Like we're supposed to."
"Vaginas!" Pierce bellowed.
"Anatomy!" The Doctor pointed at Pierce. "Excellent. Who else?"
"Oooh!" Shirley raised her hand. "The bible… or the origins of rap."
"Music and literature! Brilliant!"
"Um… history," Jeff said. "Specifically chapter…"
"Godzilla movies!" Troy slapped the table. "All three hundred of them!"
"International Cinema!"
"Oh that's a good one," Abed said. "I'd like to study Left handed people."
"The study of handedness!" The Doctor pointed at Abed enthusiastically. "Personally I've been both left and right handed and can't much see the difference so this should be exciting!"
"Seriously Doctor, we have a mid term coming up and-"
"Anybody else anybody? Annie?"
Annie glanced around the room, realizing everyone was looking at her. Then she met eyes with the Doctor and a sly smile crawled up her lips. Her face flushed just a bit and the moment she spoke she cast her eyes away and curled her hair over her ear.
"Anglophilia."
"The appreciation of British culture and peoples! One of my absolute favorite subjects! No offense to you lot, American's are very lovely but I prefer to see the culture at its source."
The Doctor grinned widely at Annie and congratulated her choice. All the while Jeff found himself narrowing his eyes in Annie's direction. Leave it to her to use big words to flirt. What the hell did she think…
"Anglophilia?" Pierce said. "Doesn't that mean she wants to bone English people?"
"Bone?" the Doctor cocked his head to the side. Then looked to Annie. "I'm sorry Edison but you want to bone? Me? I think not! You can leave all your bones in your body thank you very much!"
Jeff pressed his palms against the table; this was already getting out of hand. He needed to find a way to control the situation…
"Pierce!" Annie fired a glare his way then looked at the Doctor, her cheeks flushing crimson. "I'm sorry. What he means is that…"
"Dude, Annie," Troy said. "You don't need to worry. He knew what you meant the first time."
Jeff shot his eyes to Troy and then to Annie. He needed to say something….
"But we wouldn't blame you if he thought what it sounded like," Britta winked at Annie.
"What it sounded like?" Annie said. "What does that mean?"
"It mean's you Annie'd it," Jeff said without even realizing what he was doing.
"I Annie'd it?" Annie sat up a bit. "I'm sorry but what does that mean?"
"It means that without realizing it you make things sound unintentionally dirty," Abed said. "Jeff coined the phrase last year."
"E' tu Abed?" Jeff frowned at him.
"I don't make everything sound dirty!" Annie said. "It's not my fault I have a large vocabulary and a talented tongue."
In spite of the already awkward situation and the fact that Annie had bought into what this, obvious, maniac was selling hook line and sinker; Jeff hand to stop himself from laughing… along with the rest of the Study Group. All of them held their expressions tight, like a dam, holding back water.
"You guys!" Annie slapped her hands on the table top. "You guys come on!"
At this point the study group looked ready to burst and the Doctor held a look of absolute confusion on his face. In fact, for the first time since this morning, the Doctor looked outright unsure as to what was going on. Deep down Jeff told himself he probably shouldn't enjoy it, but it was all this guys fault in the first place.
He sat there glancing around from chair to chair whilst scratching the back of his head absentmindedly; leaving a tangled mess in its wake. What exactly was Annie seeing in this guy? Jeff couldn't figure it out but he held onto the hope that the current bit of study group weirdness would drive him away. He just needed a little push.
"Sorry Doctor," Jeff said, patting the man on the shoulder. "This sort of thing happens all the time. You're just caught in the cr-"
"Right…" the Doctor finally said and stood up. Jeff couldn't help but smile a bit. Bye bye Doctor. "…now as I was saying before you lot went all humaney woomany on me; what does all of the things you want to study have in common?"
Jeff couldn't believe his ears. After all of that, he wasn't heading for the door? What the hell was wrong with this guy? His eyes went across the room and spotted the fire alarm on the wall. If he could just find a way to get over to it… He shook his head. No, that was a stupid idea. What he really needed was to do a speech, something to show the Doctor and Annie, who was in charge here. He needed to throw in some good celebrity references to make it work, something that would really unite them. Hatred of Ben Affleck? Yeah… no… no nevermind, he'd gone to that well once too often for it to pack the proper punch… maybe if he-
"…Aaaand that, is what all of your different subjects have in common!" The Doctor finished talking and the Study Group erupted in applause, drawing Jeff from his scheming. He looked around to see Pierce wiping a tear from his eye and Annie positively glowing. What the hell just happened?
"Now," the Doctor said. "If you'll all open your calendars we'll begin to discuss-"
Then in mid-sentence the Doctor lurched and grabbed at his jacket. For half a second Jeff thought the man was having a seizure or something. Then he thrust out his wrist and stared at his watch before jumping out of his chair.
"No, no no, no!" The Doctor looked at his watch again. "No it's too early for this! I thought I had more time!"
"Doctor?" Annie was also on her feet by this point. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing!" The Doctor turned to her. "Certainly not a localized collapse of the space time continuum! Just all of you carry about your old lives as if the entire universe didn't need constant saving! Don't worry, as usual, the Doctor's got it! Er…. I mean… I've got a… food… in the oven!"
"What kind of food?" Pierce said.
"I really must be going but I'll see you all tomorrow in class! Be sure to consult your calendars and mark the date! It's of vital importance that you mark it! Now I really must be ooooooffffffff!"
Before any of them could raise more questions or even protest his leaving, the Doctor sprinted out the door, nearly hitting a pillar on his way out and accidentally knocking over a pile of books. To be fair, Jeff noted, the librarians sort of had it coming with the way they randomly stacked books in the middle of the floor. But even more than that, it looked like the Doctor's insanity had done his job for him.
"Well," he scooted his seat up a bit. "I'm glad that's over with."
"What are you talking about Jeff?" Troy said. "He gave the most amazing speech I'd ever heard! And now he's gone! It's all my fault! I wasn't being cool enough!"
"It's okay," Britta said, almost as if reassuring herself. "He'll be back tomorrow."
"Can you guys hear yourselves?" Jeff said. "This is what Stockholm Syndrome sounds like!"
"Ugh," Troy stood up. "I think we're having another BNL situation guys. I'm going home and consulting my calendar just like the Doctor said. And I know he said we won't need them but I'm going to study the crap out of my book, just in case!"
"What a great idea Troy!" Annie's face lit up as she gathered her book bag. "We could all meet at our apartment later and study our calendars!"
"Oh how nice!" Shirley said. "I could make brownies and we could eat it on rocky road ice cream."
The others enthusiastically voiced their agreement with nodded heads and chirps of excitement. Jeff felt his mouth hanging open as he witnessed them disassemble with the plan of meeting together later to study calendars! They hadn't even been this crazy when they all took the ladders class!
By the time Jeff managed to gather a modicum of where-with-all the entire study group had packed up and abandoned the study room with him in it. This was like Rich all over again… only with someone who was overtly insane and that Jeff couldn't even see the appeal of! How the hell was this happening!?
"Cheerio pip pip! Top of the dean to you!"
Jeff jumped when he heard the voice and spun around to see the dean dressed in a Mary Poppins costume, complete with umbrella and handbag. Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't have phased him, but Jeff never liked being caught alone with the dean when he was in costume.
"Jeffery?" the dean looked around. "Where's your study group?"
"They… uh… left…" Jeff muttered.
"More importantly, where's the new Substitute Doctor? I dressed like this specifically for him!"
"Not you too!"
"Isn't he amazing?" the dean said. "Did you know he has credentials from Oxford, Cambridge and the London School of Beauty and Make Up? I'm going to see if he can't fix my nails!"
Jeff let out an 'ugh' and packed up his things. Then he paused as he thought on the dean's words. Oxford and Cambridge? Suddenly, it all fell into place. The simplest rule in all of Law, the rule that not only helped you tear down your opponent but also warned you when someone was lying. It all made sense now!
If something was too good to be true, it probably was!
The Doctor shows up one day, with diplomas from not one, not two, but three degrees from highly prestigious universities. He pranced about any room like he owned it and sputtered gibberish that made him seem eccentric and brilliant. He taught history lessons that he just seemed to make up without relying on a book! He was far too good to be true.
Jeff had had it wrong the entire time. The Doctor wasn't a mad man. He was a con man. He should have seen it from the start! Didn't it take one to know one? And now that Jeff knew what this man was, his next step was completely obvious! He was going to take down the Doctor!
"Mark tomorrow's date on the calendar Dean!" Jeff scooped his books up and started for the door. "Because after tomorrow, you'll need a new substitute teacher!"
"Oh yes!" the dean pumped his fist in the air the paused. "Wait… what?"
