I woke with a start, my heart beating fast. I looked around the room and found it empty. I laid back down, hand over my heart trying to slow it down. I took deep breaths as I felt my heart race. That was it! I decided. No more watching Touchwood marathons with John till four in the morning.
The past two nights had been dreadful. I'm married to work, I'm married to my work. I intoned over and over again. Last night I had dreamed about John coming out that he had feelings for me after I had gotten drunk. Me? Drunk? I would never touch the stuff it dulled the senses way too much. Well there was that one time… I rationalized.
This last dream could almost count as a nightmare. Not only had it been a continuation of the night before but it featured him and John having sex of all things. Not just once either. The dream had three separate incidents. But what cinched it as obscene was that John wanted everyone to know they were a couple. That wasn't like John at all. How many times had the poor man declared, "I'm not gay!" or "We are NOT a couple!"? It just didn't make sense. Which meant of course that the person that really had these feelings were me? Me? Married to my work, me? How was this possible?
I rubbed my temples as I fought to hold back the headache that threatened to overwhelm me. It must have been the show affecting my mind. All that kissing and making out between Jack and Ianto must have fried some of the wires in my brain.
Jack was a common enough nickname for John and the other had an unusual name. In my mind I must have associated the two to us. Of course the roles were switched. John had Ianto's role and I had Jack's. Despite the blaring fact that I was NOT in anyway shape or form a bisexual. Or whatever the hell it was they called him on the show.
Except…. Perhaps I was…. I was attracted Irene Adler and now I had feelings for John. Wasn't that what the definition of bisexual was? Someone attracted to both sexes? But perhaps I just had feelings for these two. Before these two people came into my life, I would have said that I was asexual but they awakened in me ancient feelings. Feelings I swore to never have again.
I closed my eyes and must have drifted back off to sleep because when I opened my eyes again the sun was shining through the window and I realized very quickly that looming over me was a very worried roommate.
"Sherlock…" he started, concern coloring his tone. "You were having a nightmare again. This is the third you've had in two days." He looked at me biting his lip and I snapped at him.
"Out with it John!" He sighed and pushed up my sleeve. I pulled it away before he got to my elbow.
"Sherlock…" he warned. I gripped my arm and turned away.
"You have! I knew it!" He pulled my arm and pushed up my sleeve, faster than I would have thought possible. There for all the world to see were fresh track marks.
"You told me you had stopped!" I shook my head.
"I need something to keep my mind from running into the ground." That was when he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine….
I woke up panting. I sat up and looked around and this time lying next to me on the couch was John. He stirred briefly when I sat up but nothing could jostle him from his position on my lap. I laid back down and held him close.
"Sherlock…?" came the blurry question. I had woken him.
"I just had a nightmare, John," I murmured into his ear. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep." John nodded against my chest and nestled closer as he drifted back off to sleep. It hadn't been a dream. He and I were together. The nightmare had been that it had never happened, that the last two beautiful weeks hadn't happened. I gripped him tightly. I never wanted to let him go.
He must have sensed my worry even in his sleep as his arms pulled me closer. I placed my hand on his head and sighed. I knew then that more than anything in world I would die protecting this man.
The next morning, I pulled myself gently from John's grasp and went to all my hiding places. It took me some time but I found all my drugs and cigarettes. I threw them into the fire and they exploded. I threw my arms up to cover my face and I was very glad I had remembered to close the fire grate. When I put my arm down I could see bits of glass sticking to it.
The noise and sudden flame however had the unfortunate side effect of waking John. He mumbled obscenities as he stumbled to where I stood.
"What WAS that?!" he muttered burying his face into my chest.
"Just me getting rid of my past." He looked down at my arm and then back up to my face.
"Ah." He smiled at me impishly. "This calls for a celebration," he said as he dragged me off to the bedroom. I really didn't want to have sex just then but he surprised me. Instead of leading me to the bed he dropped my hand and went for my closet. After some intense searching he found what he was looking for. He picked out a nice blue dress shirt and my favorite suit and handed them to me.
"You and I are going out and having the best time today. You go get a shower and I'll plan everything." I smiled. This is why I loved John. He always surprised me. Like that first day in the cab. I expected him to get angry. I expected him to tell me to piss off. Instead he called it amazing. Extraordinary even. And I knew, I knew I had to keep him. I told him that I was married to my work, later to see what his reaction would be. He surprised me again.
I went and got into the shower and took extra care with my appearance. Even going as far as to put on the aftershave John liked so much. Everyone liked the purple shirt but the one John had picked out for me was my favorite. It was a dark blue and it reminded me of John's eyes. I pulled it on and I reveled in it's silky feel. It felt like John's skin next to mine. I smiled at the comparison.
When I came out, I saw that John had made an extra effort to dress up nicely for me. He was wearing a suit with the shirt I had gotten him for Christmas. It was a light grey silk shirt that he never really had the occasion to wear. He was also wearing a tie. I walked up to him and kissed his lips as I undid his tie. I threw it to the floor and John protested briefly. I unbuttoned the top button and said, "There. Much better. Now we match."
He nodded and took my hand, he seemed a bit nervous, so I squeezed his hand in reassurance. By the time we had reached the street curb where a cab was waiting for us it was almost noon.
"Where to first?" I asked. But he just smiled at me and let me get into the cab first. I expected John to give him directions but apparently he had already done so over the phone while I had been in the shower.
The cabbie took us to a nice little cafe on the Thames and then waited.
"John…" I inquired. I was concerned about that about the money he was spending on this. He only laughed.
"It's alright Sherlock trust me." I looked back at the cabbie and he tipped his hat to me. I went and stood behind John as he told to maitre d' that we had a reservation for "Hamish". I looked at him in confusion.
"I didn't want special treatment in case the name Holmes or Watson was recognized. I just want a nice quiet day with you." I smiled. I shouldn't have worried and should have known it would have been a purely sentimental reason with John.
We sat and ordered our food. It was reasonably priced, nothing fancy but the food was good and the coffee was even better.
We discussed the latest case we had and whether or not he was going to put it on his blog. He chuckled softly.
"I might but right now I'm writing stories about us. About the life we lead when we aren't solving cases."
"Boring," I told him. But he just shook his head. He wasn't going to start argument. Not today.
"You should write one up Sherlock. Start with something easy. It's like a writing a journal or a diary. It wouldn't be that hard."
"Well if you do I can't figure why it would be?" I snarked. And he looked at me and I worried I might have gone to far. "John I-" But before I could finish I saw his eyes crinkle up and the corners of his lips try to stay in a neutral position but it wasn't working. Once I smiled, he couldn't hold it back. He started to really laugh.
"Well that's true ain't it?" he managed to gasp after a good while.
John paid the tab and we got back into the taxi. We chatted in the back seat, giggling like we always do and I caught the driver smiling at us in the rearview mirror.
Next we went to the British Museum and suddenly I knew that John knew me far too well for his own good. That day they were having a exhibit on famous murderers. Hand in hand we strolled among the likes of George Chapman, Jack the Ripper, Mary Ann Cotton and John George Haigh. They had some American ones too but it was mostly about the British serial killers.
Once we passed a tourist with an iPod blaring a BeeGee tune but he vanished into the crowd before I could get a good look at him. It would be just his thing though… I trailed off my thought. Nah! I decided. I wanted to focus on the hand in mine and the delightful exhibit. Just as we exited out my stomach had the audacity to growl.
He laughed. "I'm hungry too, Sherlock." Of all the sounds in the world that one was my favorite. I never ever got tired of hearing him laugh.
He looked at his watch and said, "We've actually got a bit of time before dinner why don't we go for a stroll in Hyde Park?" I nodded eagerly. He walked over to the cab and slipped him some more money to take us to Hyde Park.
I looked up at the stony walls of Buckingham Palace and said, "Did you know I've declined knighthood twice?" I told him looking at him sidelong. His bright blue eyes lit up with interest.
"I didn't. Twice!" He exclaimed. "I'll be damned. That's incredible Sherlock." I squeezed his hand.
"Only when you say it." I told him and kissed the top of his head.
"Sir Sherlock Holmes…" he seemed to be tasting the words. "Sir Sherlock Holmes…" I laughed.
"I'll tell you what, I'll except the next one just for you." He smiled up at me and my heart fluttered.
We strolled along and then strolled back to the awaiting taxi. The cabbie sped us through the streets of London and I sighed happily.
"I think you'll like this place, Sherlock. It opened up recently near us." He told me as laid his head on my shoulder.
"I don't doubt it. Today has been perfect so far." He looked up at me in surprise and a pure happy smile spread across his lips. It was so sweet that I couldn't help but lean forward and kiss them lightly.
When we got dropped off John paid the cabbie and he drove off. I looked at him strangely.
"Well I figure after dinner we could walk home and enjoy the cool evening…" he said blushing. I kissed his lips again.
"It's perfect, John." He flushed with pleasure. We walked up to the restaurant and I saw was a quiet little Indian diner, where they were clearly newly immigrated and the food was divine. And there was nothing nasty to deduce about the place either. Our waitress however, clearly thought John was quite the thing until I leaned over and kissed him as she was on her way over to refill our drinks.
After she filled our drinks and left in a huff he turned to me, "So she was hitting on me then?" I nodded. "I didn't even notice. How could I when I have you?" He leaned over and kissed me too.
"Oh, John." I whispered contently and he blushed.
I laughed. I don't remember ever laughing so much before I met John. There was something about him that just made laughing so easy. I use to be so solemn before he came into my life and now it's seems the world had revolved to day from the night I thought was destined to be my place in the world.
Once we finished our meal he paid the tab. It was rare delight for me, having John take care of everything. I had never before relinquished that much control to anyone before but clearly John knew what he was doing and I let him take the lead.
I placed my arm around his waist and he placed his arm around mine and we walked happily to our home on Baker St. I don't even remember what we talked about. Or if we talked about anything really.
We wrapped up our terrific date with chocolate cake he had had Mrs. Hudson whipped up while we were out and a fine wine, our arms wrapped around each other as we cuddled on the couch. I looked down at the love of my life.
Who would have thought that this could be me? I swore I was going to die alone. I swore that I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. But slowly but surely he wormed his way under my barriers. Taking them down brick by brick until I was laid bare in front of him. And despite it all, he still loved me.
"I've been thinking, John… about what you said earlier…"
"Hmmm…"
"About writing a story myself?" I could feel him nod. "Would you mind terribly if I wrote about today?" He pulled himself from me a bit to look me in the eye.
"Sherlock! That's fantastic idea!" He kissed me and then cuddled back into my arms. "I can't wait to read it."
I only hope I can do it justice, do you justice John. My love
