Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Chapter 8
Kagura kicks around the brown boxes while Kamui started to unpack and takes out a thin blanket. Okita yawned and threw the empty boxed over his head to the corner. The three of them were preparing their temporary camp when the Mayo-talkie in Okita's pocket started to make a fuzzy noise.
"… Sougo, are you there? Over."
"I'm here, Hijikata-san," Okita replied while pressing down the button. He settles down in the middle of the room and the other two Yatos joined him. "Why aren't you dead yet? Please just die, you bastard. Over."
"Sougo you little bastard! Anyway, is everybody in your group alright? Every member in our group, MaSuYa, is doing okay. Over."
"What the hell is MaSuYa, Mayora? Over." Kagura asks curiously. She took out her Sukonbu box and started chewing on the pickled seaweed.
"What… it is our group name. Ma from Mayonnaise. Su from Sugar. Ya for Yato. Wait… don't tell me you guys don't have your group named yet? Over."
"They have a group name?!" Kagura yelled angrily. She was sure she heard a mockery tone in the damn Mayora's voice. "Sadist! Why don't we have our group name yet?"
"That's what I want to know." Okita said deadpanned. "You are the youngest of us, so you should be more creative. I can't believe I let Hijikata-san get ahead of me, even if it is for something so stupid."
"Then let's name our group." Kamui spoke up cheerfully. "I want to name our group… Universe Destroyers."
"You are the only one who wants to destroy the universe in here!" Kagura shouted at her brother. "How about… Once upon a time in China girl?"
"That's too long. And the title is all about you!" Okita flicks his finger at her forehead then picks up the Mayo-talkie and pressed down the button. "Hijikata-san, actually, we already have our group name. The name is 3SKINGS. Over."
"3SKINGS?! Sadist, what have you done to our group?!" Kagura yelled and tries to take the Mayo-talkie away from him with an assistance of her older brother who was grabbing Okita's leg so he wouldn't be able to run away. It appears that the group name was very important to the two siblings for some unknown reason. Okita backs away and yelled.
"Calm down, China and China2! Listen to me and OW! Stop pulling my hair! You have something important to you that start with an S, right? Just use that!"
"Sougo, what exactly does 3SKINGS stands for? Over." Hijikata's voice comes through the Mayo-talkie. He turns around and look and the silver-haired Samurai and the Yato guy behind him excitedly. We spent more than 2 hours coming up with our group name to show our coolness, so it would better be cooler than the other three brats!
Kagura took her chance and snatched the Mayo-talkie away from Okita. "Well, 3 stand for the 3 members in our group…" She looks and Okita who was being strangled by Kamui as if she wants to ask for his advice. But the Sadist was too busying trying to struggle for air and breath, so she Just came up with the first thing that comes to mind. "And the S stands for our favourite things! For example, my S stands for… for… Sukonbu! I'm the King of Sukonbu! Over!"
"Not bad, sis!" Kamui lets go of Okita and input the meaning of his S in the Mayo-talkie. "My S stands for… well… Slaughter! Over."
"My S…obviously stands for Sadist. Die Hijikata you cancer producer. Over." Okita who had just recovered from lack of air said as he stood behind the siblings. He could hear Hijikata, Gintoki and Abuto gritting their teeth from somewhere inside the ship. Our group name is way too cool!
"Umm… this is the Otae-san's supporter group coming in. Our members are also safe. Over." Kondo's voice interrupted through the Mayo-talkie.
"Really? That Gorilla woman supporter group? How lame can you guys get?! Go back home and reflect on your actions! Over!" Came Gintoki's voice from the Mayo-talkie.
"Say that again and our group won't forgive you, Yorozuya! If Otae-san were to be a Gorilla, then she must be the most beautiful Gorilla in the world! Over!"
"Ah! You just called that woman a Gorilla! You shouldn't do that, Gorill-san. I'll tell her! Over."
"Wait, anything but that…"
"You called my sister Gorilla and still hopes to get to marry her?! No way… I will never let that happen!" Shinpachi's voice came through accidently before Kondo's group will go quiet. The other two groups decide to ignore the fact that their group might be killing each other right now and went on with their meeting.
"Anyway, since everyone seems to be safe, I just want to revise our plan one more time. Now, 3SKINGS group, tell me what our goals are! Over."
"Okay, you damn Mayora," Kagura puts her hands on her waist like a boss, "our plans are… um… to remember the three M above all. So first, we hold their mothers as our hostages. Then, we steal their money… and lastly, we kill their manhood. Over."
"WHO! Who taught you such things! OVER!"
"Gin-chan did." Kagura replied as Kamui and Okita turned to look at her in shock. That Samurai taught her something completely cruel and inhuman! Kill their manhood? Even if we are both sadists, killing someone's manhood is just cruel! (We know the pain)!
"Kagura-chan, don't forget that you have to kill their manhood before you kill the actual them, okay? You have to let them suffer the pain of their manhood being murdered before their eyes. That's the lesson Ginpachi-sensei has got to give you before he lets you enter the battle field. Over."
"Roojer! Over!"
"What the hell are you teaching the little girl, you Perm head?! You are sickening…"
"Now, now, what did they teach elementary school kids to do when a suspicious men approach them? They teach you to kick that guy in the crotch! I'm just borrowing the basics of it to educate Kagura…"
"WHAT SORT OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?!"
"Gin-chan," Kagura called out when there's a sudden fuzzy sound and clashing of two swords coming from the end of the line, "are you okay? Over."
"Don't worry about me! I'm just educating the mayonnaise freak over here. Hey, that's dirty, you son of a… Over!"
"Go, Danna! Kill the damn Hijikata! Over!"
"Sougo wait until I meet you again! I'll be sure to-"
Beep… Beep…
"Well that was a quick meeting." Kamui yawned and lay down on a green sheet across the floor. Kagura looks at the Mayo-talkie which is now quiet with her blank face, meaning that their pointless meeting was over. They didn't even get to revise the plans. Guys are so useless.
"China, get going already. I'm turning off the light." Said Okita who is tapping his foot near the light switch. Kagura turns around to look for her place to rest, when she realised that there is only one place she can possibly sleep in this small room tonight, which is…
…
…
…a blank space beside the smiling Kamui who is lying down on his side and is patting on the green sheet (as if) invitingly. He grins (stupidly) even wider to try and make the place look more appealing.
"Oh lord Jesus…"Kagura swore and spat furiously. This is as far as I go, Gin-chan, Shinpachi. Please carve the words "Kabukichou Queen" on my grave stone for me.
Place: Somewhere inside the ship, near the engine room
At the same time…
"Do you think that the 3SKINGS will be okay?" Gintoki asks Hijikata who is placing himself beside the tubes. He yawns lazily and snuggles into his own place with his thin blanket draping around him. Hijikata, the well-known police officer grunts and closes his eyes.
"I don't know about your red-haired girl, but I'm sure Sougo would be fine. Why? Because he is the Sadist prince of the Sadists planet."
"You sure sound cocky," Gintoki snorts, "but don't forget that our Kagura-chan is a Yato. She is also the queen of Kabukichou. Don't underestimate her."
"Yeah? Well our Sougo is…."
"And our Kagura is even more…"
"If someone is going to survive," interrupted Abuto quietly from his corner, "then that person is going to be our Taichou." The other two Samurais glance sideways, think of the possibility, and decide to shut up.
Back to the 3SKINGS
"Nemurenai aru. (I can't sleep)" Kagura murmurs in the dark. She shifts sideway, only to find herself unable to move because Kamui's left leg is placed on her body, across her stomach. She tries to shift another way, and miserably meet the same fate when her face is buried in Okita's neck. Her nose painfully hits his collarbone.
"Are you trying to seduce me, China? Well, it's not going to work."
"Who the hell would want to seduce you?! I can't sleep. It is so cramped in here. I want out!"
"Here, you can move a little closer to me, sister dear." Kamui offers with a smile as he glares at Okita hatefully. This brat is definitely the first to go into my Must-Be-Done-In list!
"You're not exactly helping with your legs around me like that. I can't do this. I need a distraction. Who has a distraction?!"
"Here," Okita tossed her his katana, "listen to my MP3 sword and just shut up."
Kagura gleefully plugs the ear buds in closes her eyes, hoping to fall asleep quickly and escapes this nightmare. Kamui looks at his sister with small smile and lay back down. Okita sighs and take the chance when Kamui was not looking at him to glance at Kagura's face while she exhales a long breath.
The peacefulness went on for a while, and then the sound of somebody's sobbing woke the other two men up.
"Who's crying?" Asks Kamui as he gets up to sit. Okita shook his head and then the two pair of eyes fall on Kagura's tears streaking face.
"Um… Sister dear? Why are you crying? Did the Earthling bastard do something to you? What?! He did what!? I swear I'm going to bitch slap you with my braid, Earthling!"
"She didn't say anything and I didn't do anything to her! What sort of dirty thoughts do you have packed in your head? China, stop crying and talk to me." Okita said and pulled the ear buds out. Kagura sobs and wipes her tears.
"Cuz… Cuz… it is so touching! Pedoro… Pedoro was… the knock and run…"
"Of all things, you chose to listen to My Neighbor Pedoro?!" Okita sighs. "Don't worry, China2. This movie even made Hijikata-san cried. I just downloaded the CD drama version of it."
"Pedoro?" Kamui spoke up curiously, "is he strong?"
"Nah, he is like the future Hijikata-san when I finally steal the vice commander position from him. You know, wearing only underwear, fat, chain smoker and useless. Nothing that would excites you." Okita points out and grabs the MP3 sword from Kagura. "Give it back already. I can't sleep with you sobbing for some soap opera all night long. Besides, kids should go to sleep early, otherwise you'll never grow."
"Can you at least tell me the ending? I haven't listened to the ending yet."
"Ochizu was not lost, but actually stalked by the other neighbor, Takaomi. She was found dead in the forest 3 days after."
"What?! In your dreams! Pedoro will save her, I'm sure!"
"You think that a fat guy in underwear like him would be able to save her?"
"I don't want to talk to you anymore. It is so sickening." Kagura said and settles down once again. Okita shrugged and puts his hand under his head. Okay, where was I? That's right. Hijikata-san 238 dead cold corpse. Hijikata-san 239 stupidly dead corpse. Hijikata-san 240 naked, humiliated corpse. Hijikata-san…
"322 dead species. 323 dead species…" Kamui chants.
"Nemurenai aru. Nemurenai aru…" Kagura sings
...
"You… can you siblings cut that out?"
"Huh," Kagura smirks, "coming from a guy who was counting the Moyora naked body? No way. You might not know this, but you were actually counting it out loud."
"Fine," Okita states while bringing his face closer to Kagura to be on the same level, "I will stop counting Hijikata-san dead body, so you and your brother should shut up too."
"I will shut up once you get away from my sister." Kamui smiles, leans over and pushes Okita's face out. His elbow accidently hits Kagura's nose.
"Ow! Watch it, you jerk!"
"She's right," Okita kicks Kamui over Kagura's body. His leg hits her side. "You should be careful."
"You too, Sadist!" Kagura yells and tries to push both of them away, but the room is so small that they can only be far away from her as hair length. But anyhow, both of them hit the wall with a loud thud.
"Shit…" Okita touches the back of his head, "That hurts! Damn you China!"
"Don't speak so rudely to my little…"
"Ka… You bastard! You hit me just now! That was on purpose, wasn't it!"
"No, Kagura. I didn't do it on… Ah! Where do you think you are touching my sister! Get your hands off her!"
"I just happened to touch her arm! Don't treat me like some sort of disease when you are actually even sicker than me. You sister complex!"
"Let me… let me out of here!" Kagura yells when the talking turns into a push, a shove, then a punch and a battle between the two men in this room. Both draw out their deadly weapons and she was right in the middle of it.
"You are done, Earthling! Be prepared to meet your end!" Kamui raises his parasol.
"I won't kill you. I'll convert you into an M!" Okita unsheathes his sword.
"Stop! Let me get out first and you can do whatever you want…" Said Kagura who couldn't find her weapon in the mess.
"YOSH~"
"OHRAA~"
"Damn it all, I fight with my bare hands! KAMEHAME HA~"
And so, with the three of them in this room together, the night went on.
Meanwhile…
"Shinpachi-kun, I want to name my first born with Otae-san… Johnny. Johnny Isao. What do you think?"
"Over my dead, cold body."
"Huu… I feel so left out. Everyone ignores me again. Anpan 745, Anpan 746…"
