Author's notes: You know the drill. Ahem.
Okay, this is the point at which it starts getting ridiculous. I honestly can't see myself writing any more because I can't think of any way to escalate the premise higher than this without people getting out-of-character (I think that canon!Orihime would have realised by this point) and the entire thing being silly, and this chapter's already seriously pushing it. Heaven forbid that anything I write turns silly (says the girl who wrote a Harry Potter/Nyan Cat crossover fic...). Having said that, that's precisely what I thought after the third chapter, so who knows? It could go on forever, but nobody wants that because this is snowballing and getting exponentially weirder, so the sheer absurdity would probably eventually break the universe.
Reviewers/favouriters/alerters/readers in general: thank you for your kind comments and for the time it took you to read this/click a few buttons/type some words/all three. Also, a special thank you to Amulet Misty for reviewing three of my stories in one go - I do hope my ramblings haven't broken your brain. Sometimes I think I'm dangerously close to breaking my own brain, and I'm used to my thought processes. :D
Also, Necrofriggian, yeah, you were right. Apparently I did want to write more. :D
"And so, then I thought, wouldn't it be cool if the sumo wrestler could fly? Imagine that, a great round person whizzing through the air! Wouldn't it be amazing?" Orihime grinned as she swung her head, following an imaginary flying wrestler. A clove of garlic attached to her hat hit her in the face.
"Yeah, more like an amazing safety hazard," Ichigo grumbled to nobody in particular, only to be punched by Rukia.
"That sounds like a wonderful story, Orihime," Rukia said, removing her small fist from Ichigo's face and folding her arms nonchalantly. "But wouldn't it be more amusing if the sumo wrestler had bunny ears and..."
"Orihime!"
The small group turned their heads to the open classroom door and saw a distracted-looking Uryu approaching them, eyes hidden behind his reflective lenses. Orihime wondered why Uryu didn't seem to be in a hurry to get an anti-glare coating on them...
"Orihime, I need to speak to you," Uryu said, hurriedly, ignoring Ichigo and Rukia and positioning himself in front of Orihime's desk, facing her.
"Oh, hi, Uryu!" Orihime enthused, smiling brightly at the fidgeting Quincy. "What did you want to talk about?"
Uryu didn't respond, choosing instead to look at Orihime for a second before reaching out and taking her hat off. Ichigo and Rukia said nothing but each took a step back, watching silently as Orihime frowned in bewilderment, the hat falling to the desk.
"Uryu..?" she began, but was interrupted by the boy speaking.
"Orihime, would you like to eat together some time?" Uryu finally asked, fidgeting with his glasses before staring at his own hands, twisting them together in knots.
Orihime giggled. "Bad Uryu!" she berated him. Uryu blinked. Or rather, it looked to Orihime as though he blinked; it was rather difficult to see behind the shiny glasses. "You just want to lure me away from everybody else so you can eat my face!"
"That's not what I meant," stammered Uryu, as Ichigo fell off his chair, literally collapsing into hysterical laughter.
"Oh, I think that's precisely what you meant," Ichigo howled, clutching at his sides. Orihime watched passively as Rukia dragged Ichigo to his feet by the flaming orange hair and began violently kicking him towards the cupboard door.
"Come on, Ichigo, we have somewhere we need to be," she said, alternating words with kicks. Once Ichigo was in the cupboard, Rukia walked in, too, slamming the door behind her.
Uryu rolled his eyes. "Wrong door," he said, loudly, irritation etched across his face. "You needn't have bothered, though, by this point I really couldn't care less whether you listen or not."
Orihime's eyes widened in astonishment. "Listen to what, Uryu?"
Uryu began pacing the short distance from one desk to another. "Look, Orihime, you really need to stop thinking that I'm an alien vampire. I like you."
Orihime blinked. "But of course you do!" Uryu stopped pacing at Orihime's words, looking down at her face, eyes wide behind his glasses. "I'm your friend!" Orihime continued, and Uryu lowered his head, face hidden behind the hand which was now adjusting his glasses. "I know you also like Rukia, and Chad, and Ichigo..."
"Don't lump yourself into the same group as Ichigo!" Uryu blurted out, grabbing Orihime's shoulders and holding her at arm's length. "Please, just understand. Orihime, I really like you."
Orihime blinked. "Oh. I see," she said.
Uryu's eyes widened again, hopefulness apparent in his every feature. "You do?"
"Yes," Orihime said, quietly. "In addition to being an alien vampire, you can see the future. You can see the future, and you know that one day you're going to end up eating me. And I make a really good sandwich. That's what you mean."
"No," Uryu responded forcibly, relinquishing his grip of Orihime's shoulders and turning around so she couldn't see his face.
"Yes!" Orihime said, playing with one of the paper circles on her desk. "It's okay, though, I know that you won't eat me for a long time; my hat will probably work for at least a few years. That means you must know what happens to me in the future! What sort of a job will I get? Will I ever get married? Will I have children?"
"I would never hurt you," Uryu said quietly after a few seconds, in a slightly strangled voice.
Rukia chose that moment to quietly open the cupboard door and slink out of the room, but Ichigo stopped for a second to stare at Uryu, who was still facing away from Orihime.
"Man, Orihime," Ichigo said in a subdued voice. "You made him cry," he said softly, before following Rukia out of the classroom.
"Uryu?" Orihime asked, getting up from her desk and taking a few steps until she was standing right in front of her friend. Looking closely at Uryu's face, Orihime was able to determine that he was, indeed, silently crying. When she noticed the first tear falling down his cheek, Orihime held out her arms and brought Uryu into a hug, holding him tightly as more tears fell.
"It's okay, Uryu," Orihime said quietly as the boy wrapped his own arms around her back, burying his face in her hair. "I'm your friend, you can tell me anything."
At this point, Orihime noticed that Uryu appeared by be repeating three words under his breath.
"I give up, I give up, I give up..." he whispered to himself.
Orihime smiled, comprehension dawning. "You know, that's precisely what Rukia said the other day. Hey, you should ask her on a date or something!"
Uryu made a noise like a dying animal, breaking away from Orihime's grip and running out of the door.
