"Hey, Moony. Wanna hear a song?"

Remus lifted an eyebrow at Sirius and sighed, "You're going to sing it whether I say no or not, aren't you?

"Correct." James chuckled. Remus glanced around to check that there weren't too many third years around on the route down to Hogsmead who could have their innocence shattered by Sirius' songs.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her Candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name is Randy."

Remus wiped a hand over his face, smothering a laugh and shook his head, "Another classic English nursery rhyme ruined, thank you, Padfoot. With each one, you taint my childhood a little more. Why are you still looking up muggle rhymes?"

"To traumatise my Moony, of course." Sirius said, throwing his arm around Remus' shoulder, "I love them, they're so easy to turn dirty. Although there is one I don't get."

"Really, Pads? Children's rhymes confuse you?" Remus asked as they entered the village.

"S'not hard," James grinned, rapping his knuckles on Sirius' head, who ducked away, hitting at his friend and making Remus stumble sideways into Peter.

"It's that roses one. Hmm…" Sirius hummed, trying to remember how it went, "Roses are red, violets are blue."

"Blue?" asked Peter in confusion. Even James' brow furrowed. Remus laughed and shrugged.

"It's just a silly rhyme. No one really cares all that much. Other things to worry about, really."

"Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue." Sirius sang, looking pleased with himself, "Oh, stop here. I'm meeting that girl here, err, Viola, I think her name was."

"Viola? Ought to sing her that charming song, then." Remus said dryly as they stopped near The Three Broomsticks.

"That girl you picked up last night?" James asked with a grin.

"Yup. The one with the…" Sirius trailed off and held his hands out in front of his chest. James guffawed appreciatively.

"I'm meeting Sian here, too.

"That one with the red hair?" Remus asked, raising a pointed eyebrow.

"But she has brown eyes, Moony," Sirius reminded him seriously, "So she's definitely not a substitute for Evans. Plus, she nice."

"Fuck off." James muttered, just as a short, red-haired girl popped up behind him and reached up to tap him on the shoulder. The other three stared at her; she looked nothing like Lily apart from the hair, which was too short anyway, but that was obviously the only reason James had approached her. Her face was…well, squashed was the only way to put it politely and she was short than Peter, making her look like a second year – a look that her choice of clothes did not help. It was…disturbing to see James tell them goodbye and walk off, hand in hand, with a fifth year disguised as a twelve year old.

"D'you think we should tell him?" Peter asked with some concern as they stared after him.

"Nah." Sirius said dismissively, waving a hand, "He'll work it out when he goes for a feel and gets a handful of thin air. Then he'll come back crying to us that he's copped off with a kid."

"She is a fifth year, right?" Remus asked uncertainly, still staring after them.

"Yeah. She's friends with my—ah, here she is!"

Remus and Peter turned to see a girl who definitely did not look like a twelve year old sashaying towards them in a tight cotton jumper with a low enough cut that she must be absolutely freezing. Remus eyed her critically – the girl was rather typical of Sirius. Big bust, long legs, barely-there clothes. Well, his typical if she had had sleek black hair to her hips or masses of wavy blonde hair, but this one…this one reminded Remus of himself. Minus the breasts and short skirt, of course, and he liked to believe that he possessed a manly quality –

she had brown eyes like him (minus the animal-like amber glow at certain angles), and a sprinkling of freckles across her nose, also like him.

But what really freaked him out was the hair. Remus himself had brown hair with a slight unruly curl that hung below his ear, a fringe that he often had to blow out of his eyes, and a red tint in the sunlight. This girl also had brown hair with a slight unruly curl and a fringe. The only difference was that hers was longer, but the way it was tied back made it look like his. She made his hair look mussed and sexy instead of just a tad uncontrollable (and only a tad, since James' hair took the place of completely uncontrollable). There was no tint evident and Remus wasn't keen to wait until the sun came out to check.

It was…disconcerting.

Remus glanced at Sirius to see if he had noticed that his date might as well have been his twin, but Sirius was already chortling under his breath and said in a low voice, "Here we are, lads. Drool as you will, but she's mine. Well, for today anyway, and tonight if I'm lucky."

"You think she'll let you…you know." Peter asked with awe.

"Shag her? 'Course." Sirius scoffed, "Hasn't been a girl yet who's resisted the Sirius Black charm."

"Quit bragging." Remus snapped. He cleared his throat when Sirius gave him a strange frown and corrected himself, "It's not fair on Peter."

Sirius considered him for an uncomfortable moment in which Remus shifted uneasily until his twin reached them and smiled in a sultry manner that deeply unsettled Remus. Sirius leaned in to kiss the clone and he snapped, "Take your newest piece of skirt out of here, already."

Sirius glared and the clone looked offended, but he dragged her away – in the direction of Madam Puddifoot's no doubt – leaving Peter and Remus, who was still reeling from meeting his female counterpart.

"Is it just me or did she look like…?" Peter asked slowly.

"Me?" Remus finished, relieved that he wasn't going mad and that someone else had spotted the similarities, "It's not just you. Didn't look like Pads had noticed, did it? Right, I said I'd meet Lily in Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop and then we're going to Tombs and Scrolls. You coming with?"

"Sure." Peter nodded.

Two hours later, Sirius and James joined Remus and Peter in The Three Broomsticks – better than the Hogshead for dodgy business, as less people expected dodgy deals being made in Rosmerta's bright and friendly pub, although they did take the darkest corner.

"Have fun with your dates?" Remus asked, sipping from his butterbeer.

"I don't want to talk about it." James mumbled, taking a long draught from his glass, slamming it down and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Peter blinked and turned to Sirius, who was practically glowing with pleasure and self-satisfaction.

"It was okay." He shrugged. James and Peter rolled their eyes and Remus mouthed 'three…two…one…' before Sirius broke excitedly, "It was brilliant. She wanted to see the Shrieking Shack, so we went down and, well, I don't kiss and tell."

"Yes you do." Peter said.

"Yeah, I do," Sirius smirked, "She gave me a handjob."

"Slut." Remus muttered. Sirius gave him another one of those strange frowns again.

"What did you two get up to?" James asked Remus and Peter, "Any sly handjobs behind trees?"

"Not quite." Remus smiled, finished his drink and leaning back, "We did hang around with Lily, though."

"WHAT?" James demanded, jumping to his feet and attracting the attention of the whole pub.

"Sit down, Prongs." Remus said calmly.

"Did you talk about me?" James asked excitedly, obeying and sitting back down next to Sirius, who was still staring at Remus.

"Of course. Nothing flattering, though."

"Bastard."

Remus simply showed him his middle finger and smiled sweetly. Sirius finally stopped staring at him and glanced over his shoulder before returning his eyes to Remus with a smirky grin.

"Sweetie's here."

Remus closed his eyes briefly, summoning the energy to deal with the flirtatious whirlwind who just happened to a thing for him. It was mandatory to appease Sweetie, or their deal would go out the window. Remus sighed heavily and opened his eyes, tearing them away from Sirius and James' laughing expressions to stand and greet Sweetie who instantly ran into him, embracing him tightly, before pulling back to beam up at him.

Sweetie was a man. Well, an eighteen year old man, but still a man. He was shorter than Remus and had a slim frame, blonde shaggy hair and a pretty face. He was loud and bold and repeatedly made advances on Remus, who had long since gotten used to being propositioned by a gay man, having been dealing with Sweetie (a pseudonym – his real name was Alan), for nigh on years now and was the reason he was so versatile when it came to choosing who would be good enough to get him off when he needed it.

"I swear to Merlin," Sweetie smiled up at him seductively, pulling Remus flush against his chest and hips, "You get hotter every time we meet."

"Why don't you take a seat?" Remus asked politely, pulling away gently and gesturing to the chair beside him. Sweetie sat down and greeted the others, who were obviously having great trouble keeping straight faces.

"Would you like a drink?" James asked. Sweetie shook his head.

"I'm fine. I haven't got long. Here's your stuff."

He pulled a miniature case that fit in his palm from his pocket and slid it across the table. James glanced around before pocketing it.

"Everything's there?" Sirius asked quietly.

"All of it." Sweetie nodded, lowering his voice and leaning forwards, "Six crates of firewhiskey, six crates of muggle beer, one hundred and sixty packs of cigarettes and the specialty, of course – thirty packets of the good stuff."

"Great." James grinned, "What do we owe you?"

"Well…" Sweetie turned his blue eyes on Remus and shuffled his chair closer. Remus jumped and cleared his throat as he felt a hand slide up his thigh, "Since Remus here is old enough at last, I'll forgo all money for a date."

Remus dissolved into a fit of coughs whilst the others dissolved into silent laughter. Sweetie only had eyes for Remus and didn't notice.

"I…what?" Remus rasped once he had recovered. The hand travelled further upwards.

"You heard me. I want a date. With you."

"He'd be glad to!" Sirius grinned. Remus' eyes snapped to him.

"He never stops talking about you." James added, winking at Remus, who scowled, still looking at Sirius, who was determinedly looking anywhere but back at him. Remus made a snap decision out of anger he didn't realise he was feeling.

"Right," he smiled, at the clinging man, "How does tonight sound?"

"Perfect." Sweetie grinned and leant forward to murmur in his ear, "I'm looking forward to it." and moved his hand up to squeeze his crotch under the table on the word 'forward'. Remus jumped again, but felt himself growing hard despite everything. He turned and looked at the older boy and smiled wider, thinking that he hadn't had any fun in a while and since he had agreed against his better judgement, Sweetie might make a good night, making him sigh and fan himself with his hand dramatically.

"Gods, when he looks at me like that…" Sweetie muttered before shaking himself and getting to his feet, "So where am I meeting you?"

"We'll come and get you and bring you up to the castle." James offered. Remus raised an eyebrow whilst Sirius choked on a sip of butterbeer. Sweetie's smile grew.

"Sounds good. I'll meet you outside the pub at nine. See you later, Remus."

With a wink and a grin, Sweetie left. James whooped and clapped Remus on the back.

"Nice! For free! That's a load of galleons back into the pot."

Sirius muttered something under his breath and Remus frowned.

"What was that?" he asked, voice low. Sirius met his eyes and scowled.

"I said you're whoring yourself out."

Even though he had called Sirius a slut only minutes ago, Remus could have hit him, he could have screamed at him. Instead, he got to his feet and left, silently, knowing that he should have laughed it off, but he didn't know why he reacted the way he did – he only knew that it had something to do with that girl who looked so disturbingly like himself. Sirius stared after him until he disappeared. When the door had swung closed behind Remus, he turned to stare down at the table.

"What was that?" James asked softly, which surprised Sirius, who had expected shouting and screaming from his best friend.

"It's true." Sirius said stubbornly, "He's gonna shag that guy for something in return."

James leaned forwards suddenly and grasped the front of Sirius' jacket, "No," he said in a low voice, "No, the only reason I made him agree was for him, not for the stuff. I thought it would be nice for Remus to have some company for a change."

"He has us."

"Oh, so you're willing to suck him off are you?"

"I—oh."

"Didn't you see his face when he agreed? He wanted to do it, not for the stuff, for himself. H guy hasn't had a date in ages and along comes this other guy, readymade and interested, so I thought…I thought you were on the same page. You're the one who said he'd be glad to."

"I didn't think he'd say yes." Sirius muttered and raised his voice slightly, "It's not right." he glared. James let his jacket go and gave him a long stare that made him uncomfortable.

"Homophobia isn't cool, Sirius." He said finally, standing, "Come on, Peter. Let's leave Sirius to come up with a decent apology on his own."

Sirius didn't watch them go like he had with Remus. Instead, he stared down into his glass and muttered to no one in particular, "It's more the problem that I might be the exact opposite of homophobic."