People started to filter through his room the next week. Garrus and Kaidan were among the firsts as well as Tali and Vega. They had all seemed upbeat and optimistic. His friends tried to ignoring his weakened appearance, but they're thinly veiled optimism was grating. The one constant was Liara. She stood off to the side while everyone was there, and when the Council tried to see him she stood at the doorway forbidding entrance like rabid varren telling them he wasn't ready for a debriefing and he knew she was right.
He couldn't think straight when he tried to remember everything. The morphine was dulling his senses, and he was starting to feel the loss of leg. Now that visiting hours were over and the steady stream of people was petering off he was left alone with Liara. The chatter of friends helped distract him from the thoughts of his missing leg, indoctrination, everything, but the thoughts were always there clawing for attention. He needed Liara's soothing presence, but sitting in the chair next to his bed seemed too far way. She was busying her herself with her omnitool when the silence finally got to him. "What are you doing?"
She didn't look up as she answered, "I'm trying to get Glyph back up. After the Crucible was activated he hasn't been powering up."
"What happened?"
She stopped and looked up at him. She could see something clouding his eyes. Was it worry, panic? She couldn't tell. She was sure the morphine was helping him through the pain, but she could see the mental pain that was harder to hide, especially from her. She turned off her omnitool and went to sit next to him on the bed. He reached for her hand by reflex, which she happily held. She traced the familiar scars on his hand, "After you left the beam you know we took off to join Hackett and the rest to protect the Crucible. We're still getting reports in, but I was able to find out some things. What exactly do you want to know?"
He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand, "Where's mom?"
"She's fine and trying to get to you. The Kobayashi Maru was stranded in the Horse Head System dealing with a mercenary trap. With the mass relays still in the middle of repairs they are making their way here."
She could see some of the weight lifted off of him, "And Anderson?"
This was going to be hard. "In the race to the beam Anderson was hit by a Mako. There was some damage to the mass of nerves by his lumbar and it doesn't look good. The doctors say he won't walk again. Right now know he's recovering and Kahlee Sanders is with him now. They're taking the news pretty hard."
He squeezed her hand hard. Anderson was a father figure for John after his father died when he was young. "I guess none of us really made it out in one piece." He was quiet again. She started to stroke the tense muscles of his jaw. "What about everyone else?"
She leaned forward speaking softly, loving the feeling of his warm skin under her fingertips. "Jack is busy overseeing her students. Turns out they were instrumental on Palaven." His eyelids started to drift down so she started to talk quieter hoping he would fall asleep. "Samara has been eradicating what little pockets of Cerberus she can find. She's been a kind of leader for the Justicars. Same goes for Zaheed but he abandoned the merch band he was signed up." His breathing started to grow slower as she pressed on, "Kasumi is somewhere stealing something. I'm not sure where she is but I do know she's still alive. From what reports I've gotten some pricy things have been disappearing." She paused as he became still.
"What about EDI and the Geth?"
She jumped at the sound of his voice. He was still hanging on but just barely. "Well, EDI was able to notify us in time to send a warning off to the Geth. A good portion of their forces were able to shut down before the viruses hit. They don't have the Legion upgrades anymore, and they took heavy losses. They seem to be fitting into a role well with the Quarians, and have been very instrumental in the rebuilding process. Right now Tali and the some Geth are trying to get EDI back up, but it's harder than what they were expecting." She waited for him to say something, but he remained quiet. His even breathing gave nothing away, but she could tell something was brewing underneath. "What's going on in there?"
He swallowed and kept his eyes closed. That was when she saw the tear leak from the corner of his eye and roll down towards his ear. "I don't know what's real anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"After you left I ran toward the beam. I remember Harbinger's canon hitting something and being thrown and knocked out. I woke up to see the beam was right in front of me. I got up and went through and when I came out all could see was a dark red corridor with piles of dead bodies everywhere. It was like being on the collector ship again. Parts everywhere, tossed to the side like garbage with keepers sorting through it all like insects. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen since Overlord Project."
She was floored by what she heard. The reports mentioned nothing of this. The security footage didn't show anything resembling what he was talking about. She didn't want to interrupt him, though because this was the first time he even hinted about what happened. This was hard for him, especially if he could mention Overlord Project. She could still remember the haunted look in his eyes when he came to her after dropping off David Archer at Grissom Academy. She never brought it up again knowing how much it had changed him as a person. "What happened next?"
"I could hear Anderson saying he made it through and he was describing the same thing, so I pushed forward. I walked up a long ramp to a control room and there they were Anderson and the Illusive Man. The Illusive Man was still trying to convince me that controlling the reapers was the only thing we could do, and what it meant for the human race. Meanwhile, Anderson is yelling at him about how he's been indoctrinated, but he just wouldn't listen. That was when I started to notice it. Every time the Illusive Man would try to convince me I would see those black shadows from my dreams trying to snake all around me. But I kept telling him he was indoctrinated when he finally shot himself. Just like Saren."
He stopped as more tears fell down face. A sense of terror rolled down her spine. She had poured over the indoctrination reports and she knew the warning signs. But everything wasn't adding up. If Shepard was truly indoctrinated then he could have never destroyed the reapers. Her mother was indoctrinated. One of the strongest minds in the universe and yet she couldn't fight its hold.
"Next thing I know I'm talking to the little boy I couldn't save on Earth. He said he was the Catalyst and that I had to make a choice." He finally opened his eyes and looked at her. The desperation was clear and she couldn't look away. "In the end I chose to destroy all synthetic life. I couldn't risk the chance of another Harvest, but it was okay because I knew everything would be fine. You would be safe and that was all I needed, but then I wake up to see that I'm still sitting in front of the beam. It was real, but then it wasn't. I don't even know if this is real. I want it to be so bad because that mean you are here with me, and every time I close my eyes I pray your still there, and not that damn beam. I can't live like this."
Her heart ached with this admission. The torture he must be enduring constantly. The worst part was that even if she was to tell him this was real there was no way to convince him. "We need to find you some answers."
The sense of relief that came with her words was like nothing he felt before. He was so worried that if he were to say those words out loud then she would run as fast as she could. He knew he sounded crazy, but that was because this whole cluster fuck of a war was crazy. He was just happy that his lifeline to some sort of sanity hadn't turned her back on him. Instead she just held his hand calmly. He knew he should push her away so she could at least try to live a normal life but he was too selfish for that. "I have an idea, but you're not going to like it." She looked down and raised her eyebrow. "I need to speak to Leviathan." She started to shake her head, but he wouldn't budge. "It knows what's going on inside my head. I know I promised no more tentacle monsters in my head, but there is already something in there, and I need Leviathan to tell me if it's still in there."
Liara squeezed his hand tighter. "Fine, but I go with you. No matter what. You promise me that I never get left behind again."
He reached up with his good hand and pulled her face down to his. Before he kissed her he whispered against her lips, "Never again".
