FIVE WEEKS EARLIER
Running to the bathroom yet again, why was it each day she was feeling sick, the nauseous starting early in the day and hanging around, she could feel Leon's eyes on her the previous day when she ran to the bathroom, and here again today she was holding it back, she was tempted to stay at home today but felt fine when she woke up. Shaking her head grabbing her bag "I'm, on my mobile" tomorrow she will go to the doctor if she feels like it, a glass of wine and work from home exactly what she needed
…..
Watching Stella walk into the communications room "you coming to the pub Leon" nodding watching Stella look around "Has Kerry gone home" seeing Leon nod "yeah she left a couple of hours ago" showing surprise "I thought she lived here" turning around in his seat facing Stella "I think she is sick, she has been running to the bathroom, I think she has been throwing up" seeing Stella raise her eyes "it has been the past few days then she just left"
A smirk forming on her face no, a huge smile "is she moodier than normal" looking at Stella confused "she's just Kerry, why" leaning forward towards Leon "how long has she been throwing up for" seeing Leon's eyes upon her "tell me what you're thinking Stella" rolling her eyes at him "just answer it Leon" his eyes narrowing at her "just the past few days, she runs to the bathroom quite often" Leaning back on the seat a huge smile on her face "I think Kerry is pregnant" his eyes wide open shaking his head "nah, she doesn't want anymore kids" laughing at his comment "she mightn't but they are the classic symptoms seems our Kerry has been knocked up" thinking about it she is pretty sure she knows the answer to her question "does she have a boyfriend" looking at Stella she was pretty cluey but Kerry pregnant "I don't think so it had to be a one night stand or she has kept him hidden" her eyes wide at her thought "maybe she finally slept with Lawson, they have had something going between them" shaking his head "no she wouldn't go there" tilting his head to the side "would she?" shrugging at him she was pretty sure she would "scandal big time if it is"
….
Leaning back on the passenger seat going out with Lawson the team still one down, listening to Michael munching away on chips winding the window down moving her head towards it, seeing Lawson walking back with the cups of coffee handing one to Kerry, covering her mouth, turning to Lawson as he gets in the car "I won't be long" opening the door running to the side street before throwing up "shit" rubbing her hands across her what is it about the smell of food now banging her hands against the fence before leaving her head against it wiping her mouth and face before walking back to the car.
Seeing Lawson looking at her concern in his face "what was that about since when don't you like coffee? you ok" nodding "yeah its nothing" turning to look at Michael "do you ever stop eating?" seeing a smile on Lawson's face "he never stops" leaning back in the seat her eyes moving to the rearview mirror "its annoying" hearing his voice "Kerry I'm a growing man I need food to keep my energy levels up" raising her eyes at him "its junk Michael not food"
Looking at Lawson "when is lunch" closing her eyes the thought of food even making her stomach turn the idea of going out on the road for a day no longer seeing like a good idea.
Pulling up at the shops, Lawson turns to Kerry "want me to get you something" shaking her head not wanting to admit the thought of food making her feel sick "the greasy food you two eat would be enough to poison someone" opening the door and getting out of the car
A smile on Lawson's face as he watches Kerry walk away she was weirder and moodier than normal seeing her hand come up to her mouth damn this walking away from it all before throwing up again.
Walking back to the car can she actually continue with the shift hearing Leon's voice over the coms "A bank hold up in progress, Fitzroy Street, St Kilda Westpac bank, you're not too far away" turning to Kerry "you wanted to get out on the road more"
Pulling into Fitzroy Street hearing Leons voice "the offenders have left on foot you should see them in front of you now" opening the door, running down the street Kerry into her com "Josh how far away are you?" running down past the takeaway shops the familiar feeling "no no no" trying to push the feeling away watching as they get into a car "Leon Bravo Yankie Oscar 478 blue subaru Imprenza, Lawson where are you" trying to get her breathing under control before moving over to the fence throwing up hearing Josh's voice in the coms "we have the car ahead of us, heading South on St Kilda road"
Oooooooooooooooooooooooo
Walking into the communications room the following morning, she should of stayed in bed the familiar feeling walking in the smell of coffee and food "what's that smell Leon" turning around to face Kerry "my breakfast" scrunching up her nose taking deep breaths "it smells like stinky feet" swinging his chair around "oh that, I air my feet each morning" looking at him her eyes raised "are you serious" nodding at Kerry "I'm always serious Kerry you should know that, my shoes don't let them breath" bringing her hand up to her mouth "get rid of the smell, and put the shoes on Leon, tis disgusting" before hurrying out of the room.
Seeing Leon look at her after coming out of the bathroom again exasperation in her voice "what Leon" turning to face Kerry he was sure Stella was right now "anyone would think you were pregnant Kerry, isn't throwing up all the time a classic symptom of morning sickness". Her mouth slightly open for a while looking at Leon her eyes moving around " so is food poisoning and working with you Leon, I don't want any more kids, one is more than enough" a smile on his face "just because you don't want any more kids doesn't mean it won't happen, accidents do happen Kerry" her eyes glaring at Leon damn him the thought never crossed her mind or she didn't want it too "one will happen to you Leon if you don't shut up" tilting his head looking at her "moods are a sign of pregnancy too Kerry but in your case could be moodier" walking closer to him her voice low with warning "I am not pregnant, nor do I plan to get pregnant anytime in the near future or ever, so who ever has been feeding you this garbage, if you have nothing better to do than gossip I am sure I can find you something" shaking his head looking at Kerry "I was only trying to be helpful, if you ever have a boy, Leon is a good name" rolling her eyes at him putting her hand up to her mouth, damn him was this feeling of nauseous morning sickness seeing a smirk on his face "maybe you should take a pregnancy test just in case" wanting to throttle him she didn't know if it was for putting the thought there or for the fact it won't go away "the smell of your desk is enough to make anyone sick" a smile on his face facing her "there is nothing wrong with my desk, anyone we know " her eyes moving around the room "as if I would tell you that" the need to get out of there "I am not pregnant" saying it more to herself than Leon, no she wasn't she couldn't be.
Moving towards her cubicle turning around to face Leon his back to her typing away her eyes moving around her mouth open damn Leon he is wrong, the thought hadn't even entered her mind or was it she didn't want it too, sitting at her desk her eyes unable to focus Leon was wrong, looking at the calendar pulling it off the wall counting back the weeks, her eyes looking up and around shit it was 9 weeks ago that she slept with Lawson that they started their very brief what ever you would call it, she was late very very late shaking her head not wanting to think about it or believe it. Feeling the usual wave of nausea coming this time stronger, putting her hand to her mouth moving quietly towards the bathroom heaving into the bowl, she had even stopped eating breakfast and hardly any lunch yet she still couldn't stop the throwing up . Walking out of the toilet putting her hands on the bench, looking at the mirror her eyes staring back at her, rubbing her hand across her mouth her eyes moving around before opening wider damn Leon even joking the thoughts now there she didn't even take notice of how late she was, she didn't even notice that, why can't she get what Leon said out of her head no, she has to be wrong the reason there, throwing water over her face trying to remain calm and in control he was wrong.
Walking back out feeling Leon's eyes upon her "you ok Kerry, maybe you should go to a doctor" nodding at Leon walking over to her bag, she had to know she couldn't stay there any longer "I'll be on my mobile". Turning to watch Kerry hurry out of base "can I work your hours, I'll baby sit for you" seeing her not even turn around a smile on his face despite what she said he is now sure Stella was right.
Walking into the chemist one away from where she lived, walking along stopping staring at the packages picking it up it was like it was burning her hand staring at it the words written across the packaging as clear as day picking it up did she really want to know, wasn't it better not to know paying for it, now she needed to she needed to be back in control.
Walking inside dumping her stuff on the bench taking out her laptop, work always keeps her occupied, no matter how many times she looked at the screen she couldn't take it in, her eyes moving to the bench. Staring at the package was the uncertainity not knowing better, as soon as she takes it out her whole world would change she would know for sure it would become real and certain she wasn't sure she was ready for that, ready to become a mother again, maybe it was better not to know. Turning back to the computer who was she kidding she couldn't concentrate standing up staring her mind a whirlwind of thoughts maybe it was a false alarm nothing, maybe it was better knowing than ignoring and hoping it would go away.
Walking over to the bench picking it up holding it all she knew was once she did the test there was no turning back she would know for sure, deep down she knew the answer she just didn't want to admit it. Walking up the stairs into the bathroom opening the package taking the stick out rubbing her hands over her face, staring at the mirror she didn't want to be a mother again despite it all she couldn't ignore it she did need to know it was who she was.
Holding the stick in her hand her eyes staring at it, hoping against hope that it was wrong, she even did it again well 5 times but no the results are still the same the two lines appearing her hands on the vanity basin looking down wanting to scream this cannot be happening not now not ever. No matter how often she closed her eyes and reopened it still stared back at her the same tossing it roughly in the bin leaning her elbows on the vanity rubbing her hands down her face, shit how did she let this happen.
Walking down the stairs a short time later over to the counter seeing the bottle of red there pouring a glass, her eyes moving around the apartment sitting at the table opening up the computer what used to help her the words now a blur, why did she sleep with Lawson shit she was his superior his boss as much as he hated to admit it she was the one in charge of Tactical Response, taking a deep breath it all could be wrong, taking big sips of wine she will wait until the doctors tomorrow, those things can be wrong can't they?
…..
Looking at the doctor she wasn't surprised she had hoped the test was wrong but she knew all the signs it didn't take long for her to tell her "congratulations" why did she think it was fantastic news the look on her face said it wasn't, shaking her head "no it isn't ….. I've had my kid …. ages ago." She didn't think it was fantastic but how could she explain that she wished she felt like that but didn't she didn't want to be a mother again, she was already a shit one. Hearing the doctor then say "what are you going to do" it hit her what was she going to do, could she actually have an abortion shaking her head her eyes down "I don't know ….." staring straight ahead her eyes slightly down "this wasn't how my life was meant to be" then looking up slightly "not now" closing her eyes trying to take it all in hearing the doctor say "life's plans don't always work out" getting up of the seat she has to get out of there she has said too much already. Getting up off the seat the doctor handed her some leaflets as she mumbles "I'm sorry" walking out her world had been turned upside down she knew who the father was, Lawson, she had hoped all night that the test was wrong, that it wasn't true, there was no denying it now, she was pregnant and she didn't want any more kids not now not ever.
Sitting in the car her hands stuck to the steering wheel unable to move, she also knew she could never tell him, how was she going to hide the fact she was pregnant if she kept the baby, Lawson was smart enough to know 9 months after they slept together she gives birth, how would she hide it from everyone. Would he be happy about it why did that matter, they weren't even together, all they had was a fucking one night stand 8 weeks ago, a drunken ok two night stand she had been in love with him, but they couldn't be together not now not ever. Banging the steering wheel "shit shit shit" this was not meant to happen not now not ever. Putting her hand to her stomach she was pregnant, 43 single and pregnant. Hearing her phone ring, looking down at it her voice filled with anger and frustration "what is it Leon?" "I'm fine Leon, I'm taking the rest of the day off".
