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Walking inside the apartment tossing her bag down, grabbing the glass and bottle of wine, sitting on the lounge, pouring the wine the glass in her hand staring at it would one glass of wine hurt, the fact there she was pregnant and if she went through with it, she would have to give up so much. She needed the drink to calm her nerves why did she let it happen, why did she sleep with Lawson this wasn't how her life was meant to be, she was a shit mum James had told her that so many times. She didn't want any more kids she told Leon that not long ago "one is quite enough" she meant it then she didn't want anymore she had her career and she was good at it. Rubbing her hand across her face she had no idea what she was going to do, the only thing she knew for sure was that no one was going to find out that she was pregnant especially Lawson she would leave tactical response if she had to, shaking her head why was she talking like she was keeping it, she didn't want it, why was the niggling though there that maybe she could be a better mother now, no she had her career a career that she had built up to be where she was today. Part of her wanted to talk to someone about it but she couldn't tell anyone if she did it would be come real, not talking about it or letting anyone know she could deny what was happening deep down she knew she couldn't for long, how long could she hide it, the morning sickness was there Leon , damn him he was the reason it would only be a matter of time before she started showing, then the talk would start. She would prefer to forget this was happening, the baby didn't exist it was real and no denying it would make it go away.

Sitting in the bathroom on the chair the day at work over seeing Leon watching every move she made the glares she gave him was this what it was going be to like now, staring at the sink before her eyes move down to her hands looking at the stick and the results she was given, what was she hoping for it to be negative, she had already done so many of them and the doctor confirmed it, did she think they were all wrong is that why she did another one in the hope that one might come up negative saying she wasn't pregnant that the doctor and 6 other ones were all wrong. Putting her head on her hands her elbow on her knees she wanted this not to happen not to even think about it hearing the door open she looks up seeing Lawson coming in a sad smile on her face quickly hiding what is in her hand "don't you know how to knock"

Looking at Kerry concerned "didn't know I had to when I wanted to use the bathroom" lifting her head up she had no idea what she was saying "what". Looking at Kerry concern on his face she hadn't been herself "you ok"

Nodding at Lawson her voice soft "my life is messed and so fucked up" looking at Kerry wondering what was going on with her reaching out touching her arm "it can't be that bad Kerry" saying too much picking up her bag leaving she didn't want to be pregnant she wanted her life back to be in control.

Watching Kerry walk out worry on his face this wasn't the Kerry he knew something was bothering her and he was going to find out how to help her.

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking away from the bathroom again how long could she hide it the morning sickness easing but only slightly, coming back from the bathroom seeing Leon's eyes upon her, her voice with warning "not a word Leon".

Watching Kerry walking towards her cubicle again, back at work there was something about her an edge to her seeing her eyes narrow as he turned to look at her putting his arms up "I didn't' say a word … but throwing up all the time" banging her desk her voice loud with meaning "Leon ….. do you like your balls where they are " looking at Kerry she seems pale "I didn't say you were pregnant this time but if you ask me" interrupting him walking closer her voice low her eyes staring into his not moving "I didn't ask you, if you want to stay in this squad instead of somewhere like Bourke then do some work for a change" then moving away from him "who said I was throwing up all the time" turning to face the screen his voice low but still audible "I still think you are pregnant" walking close to him standing in front of him leaning over "I am NOT pregnant what I AM is sick and tired of going through this with you. No watching or counting how many times I go to the bathroom, when I leave, what time I leave. The matter is now closed and if you bring it up again, I will issue you with a warning or fire you."

Watching Kerry's retreating back more to himself "oooookay" a smile on his face no matter how often she denied it he was now sure.

Walking back to her cubicle, glancing at Leon if he had guessed who else would know and find out, rubbing her hands over her eyes, she didn't want the gossip about her, she didn't want anyone knowing, she was trying to come to terms of it herself without anyone else's input or help, trying to decide what to do. For the moment her life felt out of her control, it wasn't planned it wasn't meant to happen yet here she was pregnant and it was taking everything trying to get her head around that and as much as she wanted to deny it the fact was it wouldn't disappear on its own no matter how hard she wanted it to it was her problem to deal with. Even work wasn't helping the screen was a blur as much as she tried to concentrate she just couldn't how long would it be before she showed, how long did she have to have an abortion would she be able to live with the fact that she killed her baby shaking her head. Getting out of the cubicle turning to Leon "I'll be back shortly" turning to look at Kerry "I'm sorry Kerry, I was only joking and worried that something is wrong" turning to face Leon, what was she meant to say that it was true that what he said started all of this her voice firm "I'm fine Leon" watching as she walked out for some reason he couldn't imagine her pregnant but the more she denied it the more he believed it was true.

TWO WEEKS EARLIER

Looking around the clinic could she do it could she have an abortion, she knew how many weeks/months she was that part wasn't hard. Filling in the form handing it back to the receptionist looking around, sitting down her eyes moving around she felt like the odd one out so many others there in there early twenties late teens, that was her 22 years ago, young no idea what she was getting herself into, no help much from James father even much older she wasn't able to give this baby what it needed.

Handing the forms back walking inside the room, why did she have to have an ultrasound, some shit about her age another reason it was so wrong. Lying on the bed her eyes staring up at the ceiling moving around she didn't want to look at the machine or anything she just wanted this nightmare over.

Watching the doctor walk in a smile on her face her voice cheery she can see her eyes looking around the room answering the question that isn't spoken "its just me" nodding "did they explain what we are looking for today" nodding at the doctor she didn't even want to be here her face showing no emotion "just do the scan" hearing her voice still cheery making conversation "do you already have kids" nodding at her did she not understand that she didn't want to talk, it was just easier to answer her "I have a 22 year old" she didn't want to talk in fact she really didn't want to be there, it was only because the clinic made her go "do you want to find out the sex" looking at the screen she didn't even think of that shaking her head "no" it was easier that way if she didn't know the sex it wasn't as real to know if she was having a son or daughter. Hearing a noise looking up at the doctor confused "what's that" seeing the doctor look at her a smile on her face "your baby has a a nice strong heartbeat" she could hear it glancing at the screen seeing the doctor look at her pointing to the screen part of her can't turn away despite it all, it was her baby on the screen a small smile coming to her face her tongue moving around her lips moving her eyes away it isn't long before they are drawn back to the machine. .

Seeing her move the ultrasound away smiling at her "everything is normal and fine, you are just over twelve weeks along" nodding she knew that the last time she had sex before Lawson was with Geoffrey and that was ages ago, why did she feel slight relief that everything was normal if it wasn't, would that of been better, would it mean that she could have had an abortion, why did she have conflicting emotions looking at the doctor "is that all" seeing her look at her why was it everyone expected her to be happy about it "you need to come back in a month's time". Pulling her shirt down how long would it be before her clothes wouldn't even fit how long could she hide it from everyone. Nodding looking at the doctor confused "why?".

Looking at the person in front of her, she was different to most who came, it was like she didn't want to be pregnant or have a baby like she was trying to distance herself from it all but not succeeding, normally they get relief after being told scared at first looking at her " there is nothing wrong with your baby they are going to be alright, you're not alone having a baby older if that is what your worried about, it is just routine to ensure everything is progressing smoothly" looking at the doctor "what is the" can she actually say it clearing her head no she needs to know could she actually have an abortion kill the life growing inside of her it wasn't his/her fault this was happening shaking her head "it doesn't matter"

Looking at Kerry she could tell something wasn't right but never suspected this "your baby has nothing wrong with it" seeing her eyes boring through hers the intensity in them "there can be complications with the birth but your baby has shown there is nothing wrong it is a healthy baby" her eyes moving away "that's not …. thanks" walking to the door turning to look at the doctor "this wasn't meant to happen, I'm not ready and don't want to be a mother again" shaking her head saying too much walking out shit bloody hormones. Hearing her name called out turning to see the doctor "in case you change your mind, here is the DVD"

Walking inside the apartment the DVD burning a hole in her hand holding it above the garbage bin , before putting it on the bench, needing to keep occupied taking out her computer, her mind wandering back to the clinic, staring at the DVD on the bench, the moment she heard the heartbeat so loud and strong it was at that moment it became so real, up to then she didn't want to believe it she thought she could have an abortion it was her body she felt fear, the unknown she was out of her depth and not in control and she was scared as it wasn't something that could be fixed easily.

…..

Watching Kerry walk in, it had been a few weeks since her talk to Leon she was still sure that she was right, Kerry kept vanishing leaving base early, coming in late she wondered if Lawson had even noticed what was going on or even knew, she hadn't said anything yet. Looking at Kerry her stomach she had a great figure her stomach trim and taunt she had noticed the past few days that she no longer wore her leather jacket calling out "change of clothing Kerry, your jacket no longer fitting you?" seeing Kerry's face showing shock for the briefest second before being replaced by showing nothing no it was replaced by a look that she knew.

Looking up at the Constable her eyes showing shock very briefly shit, what did Stella know the fact was she didn't want anyone guessing and she was paranoid that someone would see even the slightest bump not that she was showing that she stopped wearing her jacket. "shouldn't you be out on the road by now Stella" shrugging maybe but she had to fill in time "waiting for Lawson, any idea why he is taking so long?" looking at Stella she was sure she knew something or was trying to find out "something on your mind Stella" shaking her head yes there was but she was sure Kerry wouldn't say anything, unless she could get a small reaction out of her "not really….leather jackets are not really in, maybe in 9 months of so they might be" her face not betraying what she was thinking but determined to stop the constable, walking closer to her, her voice firm her eyes boring into hers "good if you have nothing to do whilst waiting, I'm sure I can find you something" shaking her head she was sure she had her rattled slightly and was right "I'm fine, I'll find out why Lawson is taking so long" her eyes on Stella not moving "yeah, you do that"

Walking towards her cubicle she should of known that Stella of all people would be the one, she knew exactly who would of told her too, her shoes echoing against the floor she was going to kill Leon, dropping her bag onto the desk, standing at the door watching Leon's feet up on the desk food next to him, walking around standing in front of him her hand slamming the desk, her eyes boring into his seeing him squirm on his seat leaning down closer to him her hands on the desk moving them to the edge of it "do you like your job here" nodding at Kerry trying to move away from her, he hadn't seen her like this much "one more word to anyone from you and believe me I will find out, you will be out of here so fast" looking at Kerry, damn Stella what did she say "I don't know what you mean … who to" not moving from the desk her voice warning "Leon… do not play me and anymore out of you, you will be fired" watching Kerry move away, nodding at Kerry he had stopped but he had forgotten to tell Stella "sorry Kerry, it won't happen again" walking towards her cubicle "consider this an official warning Leon, anything more from you and you will be out of this squad" his mouth open was she serious watching as she walked away.

Driving around in TR1 with Lawson she wondered if he knew anything glancing at him "any idea why Kerry is taking so much time off lately" his eyes ahead not looking at Stella "she's at work each day" glancing at Lawson "yeah with very flexible hours, if we worked her hours she would be on our back". His eyes on the road he wondered if there was something going on, she did seem to be leaving work earlier some days. "maybe she has a boyfriend and a life now" glancing at Lawson wondering if he would show a reaction, was it he that Kerry went out with or going out with, she doubts either of them would give it away. Glancing at the Constable "Stella, Kerry's life is none of your business" his eyes looking out the window was there something going on with her.

Hearing Lawson's voice "Kerry" looking up at him, waiting by her car "yeah" seeing him walking closer to her "is everything ok" rolling her eyes at him "I'm fine Lawson" touching her arm watching her move it away "it is just you are leaving early, arriving late" rolling her eyes at him "Shit Lawson, why does it matter, I've left here early a few times, I've had to go to meetings and stuff, next time I will make sure that everyone knows what I'm doing and be here on time and leave later, is that all" closing the door looking up at him, could she ever tell him that she was pregnant to him, she was still struggling to come to terms with it and keeping the baby, she didn't' want to think about telling him or having him find out, she knew she would have to one day if she went through with it, but for the time being she was trying to understand and come to terms with it all herself, she wasn't used to not being in control and she wasn't she was far from it, her hormones taking over and the morning sickness easing but still there "I'll see you tomorrow"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pulling on her jeans, looking in the mirror she could already see the slight bulge in her stomach, she was already showing her breasts already larger her clothes just fitting already becoming tight, how much longer could she keep the secret her shirts mostly buttoned up at the front only just fitting, wearing a vest or cardigan her leather jacket not hiding anything leaning against the dressing table her hands on it looking in the mirror rubbing her hands across her face the fear of people finding out, she didn't want the baby but she couldn't bring herself to have an abortion it wasn't the babies fault she didn't want it, or was it deep down she did want it, looking at her stomach how long before Lawson guessed or asked questions what would his reaction been, shit they only went out for a few weeks, why was it that was all it took one stupid weekend of passion without being careful for this to happen, she thought she was too old, that she wouldn't get pregnant blinking back the tears her life was so messed up putting her hand on her stomach her was a life growing inside of her, was this a chance to show she could be a mother moving back looking at the mirror how much longer could she hide the fact she was pregnant she needed new clothes the rate she was going everyone would know soon and that thought scared her more than she liked could she actually tell Lawson that he was the father what would happen if the team found out, she dealt with everything herself that was the way she liked it and wanted it kept.