Alison had rushed to the hospital when Cosima's health had taken such a frightening dip that Delphine feared the Dyad lacked adequate treatment for her, and she feels not only obligated to show her support, but also emotionally invested in Cosima's condition, like she couldn't concentrate on anything else happening in her life without worrying about her. She shrank in her seat, heart falling in her stomach, as she starts admitting to herself that her relationship with these girls failed to be strictly business, like she so desperately wants them to be. God knows caring about Beth still makes her ache silently, like a hushed demon clawing at her from the inside, tearing her into pieces. But at the same time the demon protects her by throwing her into a cloud of numbness, trying to shield her from making the same mistake twice and caring too much. He hasn't failed her until today, when seeing Cosima's frail body, so pale and slick with sweat, caused the demon to hide away behind Alison's big heart, despite the hardships God keeps dealing her. Even sitting here, after just receiving news that Cosima would be healthy enough for discharge tomorrow, she still worries, and the thoughts of what could have happened makes her hands shake, so she folds them together tightly on her lap in attempt to hide it. It doesn't help much and Sarah reaches over to place a hand on Alison's balled fists without saying anything. But Alison doesn't feel any more relaxed. If anything, she starts to panic as vulnerable tears parade down her cheeks, making Sarah turn to face her and tell her "Cos is gonna be fine, yeah? The doctors said she'll be fine."
Alison slides her hands out from under Sarah's to wipe her face. "I know, I know." But now her frustration at herself for crying motivates her to stand up. She hates crying in front of Sarah, or anyone for that matter. It's like the tears weaken her, break her, reduce her to Suburban Alison: The Soccer Mom that needs a punk to be brave for her, a scientist to be smart for her, and a cop to protect her. And the demon emerges from the shadow of her heart as it constricts at the thought of Beth, causing her to leave Sarah in the waiting room, searching for a place to gather herself.
Her feet guide her to an empty restroom, where she suspends over the sink, arms keeping her from collapsing into it. A minute passes before she decides she can stand without the support of the sink. She flicks the faucet on and absorb the coolness of the chlorinated water in her fingertips. Fixing her gaze on her reflection, Alison inhales through her nose and focuses on the sound of the water as it fails to drain fast enough to keep from pooling at the bottom of the sink, making a calming symphony of constant splashes. Releasing the breath caught in her lungs, and still studying her face in the mirror, she lets the water's music take her away from the hospital and to some place where she is more than a lab rat. A place where she could raise her kids without fearing for their safety. A place where the roller coaster of Cosima's health finally rolled out to a stop, letting all of them get off the ride and breathe for once. And a place where Beth can find strength to walk away from the rails when the train approached the platform.
She wouldn't be crying in a hospital restroom. She'd be smiling. She'd smile at her reflection as she dissected her wardrobe, deciding what to wear to some community function, probably taking longer than she needed to, but that would be okay because her life would be relaxed and calm and enjoyable. She'd ask for Beth's opinion on whether she should wear this outfit or that, and Beth would struggle to choose the outfit that Alison actually wanted to wear. Then Alison would ask her to help with her necklace, and Beth would stand behind Alison, waiting for her to choose which necklace matched the best.
Alison can see Beth in mirror now, as if she really does stand behind her. She stares at the small smile on Beth's face, hardly noticeable, but Alison knows it's there. She refuses to turn away, or look anywhere else than the false reflection, afraid Beth will fade away if she does. Slowly, the imaginary Beth comes closer to Alison, until she can practically feel Beth's breath on the back of her neck; it gives her goosebumps, but she still watches the mirror. Beth's reflection lifts a hand to Alison's shoulder, and it hovers there for one uncertain moment, before the live, warm weight of Beth's gentle fingers fall onto Alison like bricks.