The frosty air presses on Beth's skin like cool glass as she climbs into Alison's minivan. She shrivers while thinking of how it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Even though she struggled to clarify exactly how to come back into Alison's life, she knew this is far from the little plans she had. For starters, they would've been at Alison's house, not here, and definitely not now in the middle of Cosima's health crisis. She wanted to be gentle and quiet and soft and Alison's smile would make her forget about the past few weeks. She wouldn't have bombarded her in the hospital when she already had so much on her mind. But seeing Alison's minivan parked at the hospital drew her back inside as worry washed through her. She had to turn back. Ali could've been hurt, sick, or worse. And Beth and to know.
She had never run on quick impulses. She's careful, vigilant, and she thought everything through. It's what made Beth so good at her job. But it was a curse when she wasn't working. She thought too much. She'd think until her head ached from all the thoughts she wanted to forget and every unwelcome memory she couldn't help but relive over and over again. Sleeping became impossible without pharmaceutical help. She drowned herself, thinking too deeply and too vastly yet still struggling to stay afloat, wondering why she had to overanalyze everything every waking moment. Until she met Alison.
Her head stopped spinning too fast for her to see what lied in front of her. She could focus on something long enough to appreciate it. She could breathe and cry and smile and panic and laugh without thinking. She could be someone who didn't have to think. She could just be. She could relax and feel comfortable enough to share these things with Alison. Everything except how she felt when she wasn't with Alison. And how she felt when she was.
Buckling her seat belt, Beth looks at Ali. The lighting from the parking lot covers most of her face in shadows, but her eyes stay lit in a glow. She has stopped crying but her makeup dried unevenly on her eyelids and on her cheeks. Beth would look the same, had she any makeup to wear. Alison stares straight ahead through the windshield while saying, "We should've told Sarah and Cosima."
Beth puts the key into the ignition and the minivan purrs its response. "It's too risky. It's better to wait. Tell them when we know no one's watching." Eyes still focused forward, Alison nods. "Do you want me to leave you at home?" Driving Alison to her house and dropping her there is the last thing Beth wants, but it's all she can offer.
Alison's gaze shifts inside the car towards Beth's hand on the steering wheel, but Alison doesn't meet her eyes. She reaches to tuck any loose strands of hair behind her ear even though her tight pony tail hasn't let any escape all day. "Is that what you want?" Alison asks with that tight voice of hers as her chin juts forward slightly. Beth lets her hand slide off the steering wheel and watches Alison's eyes follow her hand to the shift, unsure of how to answer. Finally, Alison's line of vision lands on Beth's face. It makes Beth forget about Alison's question until she prompts her again. "Do you have somewhere to stay?"
She takes the bait carefully. "Well, I don't think it's smart to go back to my place," she tells her, putting the car in drive and keeping her foot on the brake. Beth stops there, unwilling to admit how she spent the last two nights on the cold concrete floors of unlocked garages, especially to Alison, whose job it is to worry about everyone. She imagines staying at Alison's house. Of the few times she's been there, Alison had been working in that craft room of hers, sewing patches onto one of the kids' worn jeans, coupon clipping, or making homemade birthday cards for her stockpile and drinking coffee when she caught a good place to break. Beth would stand next to the table, waiting for Alison to finish up her project. She wonders if that's how it might be. She could just watch Ali get worked up over how the ribbons dried crookedly, even though they looked perfect as Beth tried to tell her so and Ali wouldn't believe her, but it would make Beth smile. She wishes she could stay there. But Alison has a family who she shields from everything that goes on around them, which is why Beth's only been to Ali's house those few times.
"Sarah has a brother," Alison beings to offer as the thoughts of staying with Ali fade from Beth's imagination. "His name is Felix. You can stay with him, I'm sure. At least for tonight."
Beth drives the van as Alison directs her to a colorful part of downtown where the city streetlights of the night shine harsh enough to make the pavement and dark buildings look wet even though it hasn't rained in days. She follows Ali up the stairs to a loft down hallways littered with half-assed graffiti. Alison hardly gets the chance to knock before a skinny man with gelled black hair dressed in glitter slides the door open.
"Alison," he says with a sigh as he flings his head back. "I'm on my way out and I just talked to Sarah. She'll be staying with Cosima and keepin' an eye on the French Spy. I thought she was helping Cos, not making it worse. Stupid bitch."
Beth hangs back behind the door a bit, listening to Felix fill Ali in. She loses bits of the conversation, but likes the sound of someone staying there with Cosima, even if she doesn't really know Sarah at all. But from what she's gathered, Alison trusts her, and that's enough for Beth.
"Felix," Alison interrupts while grabbing Beth's arms and tugging on her sleeve. "I need you to house a friend for a night. Do you think you could…?" Alison trails off, pulling Beth closer to her, out from behind the door and into Felix's sight.
"Holy shite!" He gasps, reaching for Alison's hand and pulling the pair of them inside the loft, sliding the door shut behind him. "Who the hell is this?"
Beth stands uncomfortably in the open room, eyes jumping around from one art piece to another. With Alison's friend on the way out the door, she can't help but feel unwelcome, especially with the bitter way the question rolled off his tongue. She would rather sleep another cold night in a garage than have to keep standing here, feeling so troublesome to the stranger glancing over at her while waiting for Alison's explanation, but her clone's hand still clung to her arm, keeping her unmoving. She focuses on Ali's hand, anchoring her in this spot. She can only feel the pressure of Ali's grip as her thick coat prevents their skin from touching.
"Felix," Alison repeats steadily, regaining his attention as he lifts his eyes from Beth and back to his friend, much to Beth's relief. Ali turns toward her slightly, raising her hand from her wrist to touch Beth's cheek as she tells the artist "This is Elizabeth Childs." A smile whispers on Beth's lips at the feathery feel of Ali's fingertips, chilly from just coming inside, but still making her cheeks warm. Alison pulls away too soon as she turns back to Felix and her cheek burns even after the fingers disappear.
She bites the insides of her cheek as Felix's voice raises with questions and accusations while Alison tries to answer, though she lacks any real explanation. Beth turns back to the two of them, finding Felix's eyes on her as she does so and hoping the flushing in her cheeks isn't as overly obvious as it felt.
"How do you know this isn't some other clone? She could be playing you. Workin' for Leekie or the Proletheans, God forbid. And you brought her here?" Felix waves his arm around, gesturing at the loft and rolling his eyes back.
Beth puts her hands up defensively, ready to explain herself as best she could when Alison returns her hand to Beth's cheek and gently guides Beth to turn her head towards her while she explains, "Beth has a scar on her neck, right here." Her fingers glide over Beth's scar, barely touching the skin yet the thudding in her ears drown out Felix's response when Ali's fingertips follow the smooth tissue into her hair and tucks a few loose strands behind her ear after reaching the tip of the scar. She closes her eyes until her clone's fingers pull away, attempting to control the blush in her cheeks yet again which proves unhelpful since Ali's soft smile fills her vision when she deems herself ready to reopen her eyes. She can't help it. The smiling back and the blushing and the thudding in her ears and the desire to hold Ali and not let go make her throat thick and the words get caught there as she tries to contribute to the conversation to distract herself. But she's missed Alison so much and lets the words stay in her mouth as she gazes at Ali while she talks with Felix and she runs her hand down the length of Alison's ponytail several times. Alison smiles at her in return and continues to let Beth toy with her hair while listening to Felix tell her that he's anticipating his next clone painting, but he's already late for something that Beth doesn't catch because the tickles of Ali's hair twirling around her fingers completely absorb her. And then Felix is gone and there's not much left to distract her at all.