It wasn't easy, living without him. The most mundane things became impossible tasks; from simply waking up in the morning to walking to work. People always say a broken heart takes the longest to heal. The emptiness, it had been only weeks since she had found out, but it felt like an eternity. Him not being there before, it hurt, but knowing he was never coming back. Knowing she would never hear that laugh again, she would never feel his arms wrap around her, it was almost more then she could bear. She had heard from Steve, he had stayed with her for a short time, but she hadn't heard anything from him recently. She was beginning to worry, but she knew he was busy. Busy was an understatement, he was fighting a war. He didn't need to report back to her. That's what she told herself at least, it didn't really help, but it was something.
Even with all these feelings and worries, there she sat, alone sipping some tea on her couch, rain tapping against the windows fueling the memories flooding her mind. Images of a better time, when seeing his face wasn't a distant dream. A day didn't go by when she didn't miss his smile, his laugh, just feeling his arms around her. Initially she simply just didn't believe he was gone, no body meant there was still a chance. Right? Unfortunately this idea only went so far by means of comfort. Comfort wasn't something she was finding much of at this point. She spent a lot of time sitting and contemplating things she knew would simply hurt her further. She thought about Bucky, and she figured she would for a long time to come. People told her to let him go, to move on, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to forget him, and she never would. Her particular sulk session on this Sunday afternoon was interrupted by a light knock on her front door. She contemplated not answering, but the idea left her head quickly. She slowly stood, then walked through the kitchen to the door. She saw a faintly familiar outline through the fogged over window. She slowly opened the door to reveal a man on the other end, and she froze. Everything around her seemed to vanish; the air surrounding her begging to be let into her lungs, but refused entrance. She couldn't speak, she couldn't breathe, and she couldn't look away. It was him, and all she could croak out was:
"Bucky?"
"Hey doll," He smiled, which almost immediately turned into a pained expression. He looked like death itself. Shaggy greasy hair, unshaven, dirty, a gash on the side of his head, and blood on the dark green, half unbuttoned shirt he had on. Unshed tears lingered in his eyes, large bags underneath and almost a fearful expression in them. Her brain finally kicking in, she practically jumped out the door and nearly crushed the poor man in her embrace.
"I thought-they said- Bucky you were dead!" She said, staring up at him now.
"Er, just come inside," She said. They walked in together; he sat at the kitchen table as she ran to the bathroom to grab the first aid kit she kept stored away. On her way she also grabbed some clothes Steve left after his short stay. She walked back into the kitchen and sat down beside Bucky. She then started cleaning his wounds silently. As she was doing so she noticed the lack of skin on his left arm. She figured now most likely was not the best time to ask about the metal replacing his arm.
"I missed you," He said quietly, wincing as she dabbed the alcohol on the gash on his face.
"I missed you too," she said, finishing of cleaning off the wound and closing up the small case filled with bandages.
"So what's the verdict doc? Am I gonna live?"
"It looks like your luck hasn't run out yet, but you won't be living here if you don't get rid of that stench," She said throwing the white t-shirt and cargo pants at him. Bucky put his hand over his heart and gasped.
"Are you saying you would kick me out onto the cold streets of New York?" He asked in mocked horror. She just laughed lightly in response, nodding.
"I die and still nothing's changed," He grumbles standing and walking to the bathroom. Isabel, now alone, just sighed. What just happened? Was this real? He was back. How? Why didn't she ask him? What was she doing? Then she just broke. Too many questions, everything was too much. She was sitting at the table still, leaned over, sobbing. She didn't even notice Bucky walk back into the room and slowly sit down next to her.
"Hey, hey come here," Bucky whispered, practically lifting her into his lap. They sat like that for a short while, but soon she looked up at him. Slowly she reached up to his face, her hand cupping his cheek.
"Bucky, what happened?" She asked.
"I-I don't remember," He started, "I remember a train, I remember falling, I remember fighting, scientists, labs, it's all jumbled," He said slowly.
"I uh, I tried going to Steve's but no one was there," He said, quickly changing the subject.
"I haven't heard from him in a few weeks," She said sadly.
"I'm honestly not sure where he is, last I heard from him was right after you, well, uh, died," She said, slowing near the end.
"Right," He responded.
"Well, umm, do you uh, want something to eat? You know we don't have to just sit here at the table, we can go in the living room or you know I can make some tea or something," She said, quieting down near the end.
"Yeah, yeah sure. I'm starving actually, that sounds great," He responded, standing. Isabel walked to the fridge finding something of her limited supply to put on a sandwich. Bucky simply watched form the corner, not sure what he should be doing. Once she finished they sat in the living room for a while. The tension that so quickly developed dissipated momentarily. They sat and talked, like they used to. They talked about everything from the weather to the war or about nothing at all.
"You know what I really missed?" He said with a smirk.
"What's that?" Isabel asked.
"Your kisses," He said with a childlike grin on his face. She simply laughed at him, sipping her tea.
"I highly doubt that was what was occupying your thoughts, wherever it is you were," She said grinning. His smile slowly dropped.
"You'd be surprised," He said quietly.
"You were what kept me going, the little I can remember that is," He reached out to put his plate down, and caught her stare at his now metal arm.
"Don't really remember getting it to be honest, just remember it hurt like hell," He said with an almost bitter laugh. She couldn't help but notice something was off about him. But of course there was. He hadn't told her everything that had happened, and she really didn't expect him to. She just knew what he wasn't telling her must be horrible for him to keep it hidden. The memory lapses he's experiencing had to be normal as well, she thought; shock or something along those lines. Either way, he was harder. He made jokes, but his smiles and laughs didn't reach his eyes; those eyes that looked like they had seen hell itself. Perhaps he had, in his own way. But no matter, he was home now, and that wasn't changing any time soon.
"So I uh, I know you've heard from Steve, but have you er, seen him?" Bucky asked.
"You mean have I seen he's tripled in size? Yeah. Plus you wrote me about it," Isabel laughed.
"Right, I wrote you…It's so weird," He said, whispering the first part rather unsure of himself.
"Tell me about it! Look at the shirt of his you're wearing, it's big on you!" She laughed, knowing he wouldn't want her dwelling on the first few words.
"It's not that big," He muttered defensively.
"Haha, sure it's not," She giggled, ruffling his hair. He just glared at her and she leaned over and kissed his nose. His glare soon turned into a beaming smile as he leaned over and kissed her, they broke apart quickly as she laughed at the childish grin on his face. He pulled her onto his lap; their faces still so close their noses were touching.
"You know, you're really beautiful," Bucky said, still grinning at her.
"You're still an idiot," She laughed, her hand behind his neck, playing with his hair.
"And you need a haircut," She muttered, pulling at the uneven and long bits.
"Hey! Ow-stop it!" He shouted, trying to grab her hand. She just laughed, moving her hand down to his shoulder.
"I'll get a haircut, not that I'll need one if you pull all the hair out of my head," He sighed, rolling his eyes at her laugh.
"I could always just do it. I have some scissors in the kitchen," Isabel said, beginning to stand. Bucky simply grabbed onto her tighter and pulled her back.
"If you think I'm letting you anywhere near my face with a sharp object then you, miss, are crazier than I thought you were," He said attempting to be serious, but just breaking out into a big grin again.
The time seamed to just fly by as they talked and laughed, occasionally exchanging a peck on the cheek or nose. Soon Bucky had dosed off, Isabel still resting in his lap. She didn't bother to move, simply continued stroking his hair. The slouched position they had drifted into allowing his head to rest on her stomach, her legs draped over his. She sighed, what were they going to do next? Just ignore what had happened? Should they be telling people he's alive? What exactly does one do in this type of situation? The last thing she wanted to do was plague Bucky with all these questions, although he had managed to keep his composure much better than her, she could see he was going through unimaginable pain. Her thoughts were interrupted by Bucky's arms wrapping more tightly around her, and his head moving against her stomach, making her laugh lightly as she continued running her fingers through his hair.
"What time's it?" He murmured, not bothering to open his eyes.
"About eight I believe," She responded just as quietly.
"Ugh, it's early still. Wake me when it's actually time to go to sleep," He mumbled, shifting slightly. She just smiled at the man lying there practically on top of her at this point. She was doing that a lot, smiling; more in the past few hours than she had in several weeks. He was back. It felt like a dream, she began wondering if it was. But she didn't even attempt to pinch herself; she didn't want to wake up if it was a dream. This dream world was far preferable to the reality she had been living in. She just wasn't sure what was going on in the young soldiers head. What had he seen? He looked terrified when he showed up at her door. What had frightened him so much that he wouldn't even speak of it? Why were his memories so foggy? Her thoughts trailed on and on, contemplating scenarios and attempting to work out the problems running through her mind. Soon her thoughts trailed off though, and she was drifting off to sleep alongside the scruffy, metal armed man next to her.
Isabel woke with a start, the sun still far from rising. Reluctantly she opened her eyes, feeling something moving next to her. She soon saw that it was Bucky moving around in his sleep. Soon a few jumbled words left his lips. It didn't take long for her to realize he was in the midst of a nightmare. She turned over sleepily, and shook him slightly.
"Bucky, Bucky!" She whispered attempting to wake him. Unfortunately when she did she hardly got the response she expected. As soon as his eyes were open they tumbled off the couch and he was on top of her, pinning her down. He stared like he didn't know her, but in an instant snapped out of it and jumped off her.
"Er, uh, sorry," He mumbled quickly, offering her his hand. She grabbed it and stood up, she then simply proceeded to stare at him expectantly as he backed away slightly. He refused to meet her stare, glancing around the room at everything but the women standing in front of him.
"Bucky," She whispered, slowly stepping closer to him. His quickly glanced at her, looking almost startled by her voice. His eyes wide, body tense, and just staring right at her. She wasn't sure if he was going to run or break into tears. He looked utterly terrified. She took another step towards him, and she reached up to place her hand on the side of his face. He relaxed ever so slightly under her touch, his eyes closed slightly for a moment. She decided to accept this as a positive reaction and simply engulf him in a hug. He took a moment to respond, but eventually did, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his head in her neck. She sighed, holding him close. She soon felt his shoulders shake slightly, and at that her heart completely broke. She didn't say anything; there was nothing to say at this point. They stood there like that for what felt like an eternity. He began loosening his grip eventually, and she followed suit. He walked back over to the couch and sat down, his head in his hands. She sat down next to him.
"Are you alright?" She asked quietly, instantly regretting it.
"No, sorry, that's a stupid question, never mind," She mumbled more to herself then anything. Bucky simply chuckled slightly, still not looking up.
"I'm fine Iz, just a nightmare. Nothing to worry about, I'm honestly more concerned about what sleeping on this couch has done to both our backs," He said, looking at her with a small smile.
"Hey, my couch isn't that bad!" She smiled.
"Yes, yes it is. No point in both of us turning into cripples, go to bed, I'll stay out here," He said to her.
"Bucky, you just got back. I can stay our here, you take the bed," She responded, already going to grab a blanket for herself.
"Not gonna happen sweetheart," He said, taking the blanket out of her arms as she walked back into the living room.
"Ugh, you're as stubborn as ever. Fine! I'll go, but if you need anything you have to wake me," She grumbled, pointing an accusing finger at him and walking off to her room. She collapsed into her bed, and after a few minutes of staring at the ceiling her eyes fluttered shut.
Isabel woke to a slight crashing sound coming from her kitchen. Initially she was startled, but soon remembered the individual who had stayed on her couch the night before. She swiftly jumped out of bed, concerned for his safety. But as she continued to the kitchen all she saw was the soldier kneeling, attempting to pick up the shards of one of her cups. She sighed, relieved it was nothing substantial. He looked up at her and smiled sheepishly.
"I'll buy you a new one," He said slowly, continuing to pick up the pieces that fortunately didn't shatter too much.
"I just picked it up, guess I'm not used to how strong this thing is," He said, signaling to the metal arm with a slight grin.
"Ha, apparently," Isabel laughed slightly, getting two cups out of the cupboard pouring some coffee, "We should go out today. Get you back into the world and see if we can somehow get a hold of Steve,"
"Yeah, sounds good," Bucky smiled, as she handed him a cup of coffee.
Isabel was standing at the door tapping her foot impatiently awaiting Bucky's arrival. He took longer than her to get ready. It was slightly understandable as he didn't really have any of his own clothes, and he was still adjusting. But that really didn't seem to matter, as currently she was just frustrated with his slow pace. She found it strange how quickly he was getting back into life, it was almost concerning. They were both behaving as if nothing had happened, but perhaps that's simply what they both needed at this point.
"Finally!" She shouted dramatically, turning to open the front door. He just laughed lightly, remembering her impatience that always seemed to be directed towards him. As they walked out of the house they received a dirty look from Ms. McKay, Isabel's elderly neighbor. Bucky simply shifted uncomfortable under the old women's glare.
"Good morning Miss McKay!" Isabel shouted, waving.
"Yes, good morning dear," She said, still glaring slightly. Isabel just giggled slightly as they continued on their way.
"Never liked that old woman," Bucky grimaced slightly.
"Well don't worry, she's never liked you either. Or any other male that's stepped foot into my home," She grins, looking over at him. Bucky gasped, putting his hand on his chest.
"Other men have stepped foot in your house?!"
"Shocking, isn't it? Although she never had a problem when Steve came by," She said thoughtfully, "She must just really not like you,"
"Steve's a boy scout. All the old ladies love him," He scoffed.
"That sounds vaguely creepy, Bucky," She stifled a laugh at the disgusted look on the man's face. The rest of their walk was spent in a comfortable silence. They eventually found themselves in front of a store that simply read "Men's clothing" on the front.
"Creative titles these days," Buck mumbled, Isabel chuckling slightly as she looked up at the sign.
"At least we don't have to guess what they sell this way," She laughed, Bucky simply grumbled in return walking into the store. The shopkeeper acknowledged them with a slight wave before returning to the magazine that had previously kept him engaged. Bucky was picking out what Isabel would refer to as "his usual boring taste", knowing full well he would get shit for it later. They had separated slightly, browsing through the racks of the small store. Eventually Isabel called him and held up possibly the most horrific shirt he had ever laid his eyes on. She started waving the flamboyantly patterned button down in the air and wiggling her eyebrows at him. He rolled his eyes at the woman in front of him and continued picking out his plain black t-shirts.
"Alright, I'm ready," He said, walking over to Isabel who was looking through some more brightly colored tops in an attempt to brighten his wardrobe slightly.
"What? We've been here for ten minutes, besides you can't just get black shirts and some pants, Bucky," She complained, "Here take this one," She said, tossing a purple button down shirt into the pile in his arms.
"I'm not wearing that," He said, hanging it back in its place, laughing at her fake pout, "You wouldn't happen to have some-"
"Money? Don't worry, I came prepared you moocher," She giggled handing him some cash.
"Hey! It's not my fault! Dead men don't have much to their names generally," He joked, walking up to the counter. He paid for the clothing and the couple walked out the door saying their thanks to the man at the counter.
"So, where to now m'lady?" He asked, grabbing Isabel's hand and swinging it slightly.
"We could just go home and get something to eat; then later you should probably try to contact your parents," She said, smiling up at him.
"I went there initially yesterday, there was no one there," He said, frowning slightly.
"Yeah, they said they needed to get away for a little bit. They left a few days ago, but I have the number of the hotel they said they were staying at," She said, squeezing his hand slightly. He smiled down at her and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead.
When they arrived back at the house Isabel immediately made her way to the fridge.
"I've got, uh, pie, some oranges, and I think there might be some cookies in the cupboard. I suppose I didn't think about the eating part when we were out," She sighed. Bucky just chuckled in return and walked over beside her.
"Personally, I'm perfectly fine with just pie," He said reaching for the half eaten apple pie.
"Good. The past few weeks I haven't had much in terms of a balanced diet," she said, closing the fridge and walking into the living room as Bucky grabbed two forks and joined her on the couch. Bucky offered her a fork, already with a mouth full of pie and a smirk. She couldn't help but laugh at him as he currently resembled a chipmunk.
"What?" He mumbled through the mouthful he had. At this point there were nearly tears streaming down Isabel's face from laughter.
"Don't laugh at me!" He said with a fake pout, but she ignored his request, simply laughing harder. He let out a small laugh before setting the pie down on the coffee table. He proceeded to cross his arms and make the most pathetic attempt at puppy eyes Isabel had ever seen. Her laughter started to slow and he took the opportunity to pull her over to him, her legs laying over him as she cuddled into his side slightly.
"I really, really missed you," She whispered, and it was like a switch went off. Bucky just stared at her with a blank expression. He was staring at her, but he wasn't looking at her. She wasn't sure whether to hold his gaze, or if he'd notice if her eyes drifted away.
"I missed you too," Bucky finally mumbled, "What I can remember at least," He said the last part with a sigh. She didn't know what to say to that. She couldn't possibly understand what it felt like to be missing bits of your life and not know why. She just looked up at him and kissed him, offering what little comfort she could; however unsure of whether she could really make a difference. He pulled away and smiled at her, although it hardly reached his eyes. Nonetheless she returned the gesture as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.
"You are very beautiful," He whispered, glancing down at her lips. She couldn't help but laugh before quickly kissing him again. The quick short kisses slowly got longer, only breaking when either one of them broke into a short laugh or if he decided she needed to hear how beautiful she was once again.
"You should come up with a different adjective," She laughed softly, her hand still on the side of his face.
"I'll try to think of a few new ones I suppose," He sighed, "It's just, it fits so perfectly," He grinned as she rolled her eyes at him.
Although a few hours had passed, neither of them had bothered to get up from their positions on the living room couch. They had simply been talking. Bucky talked about his plans to find Steve and maybe re-enlist; his excitement for telling his parents that he's alright, anticipating hearing his mother's voice again. Isabel spoke of her plans to finally sell her parents old home she was currently residing in. She wanted something smaller, something hers. Bucky then decided he needed to find a place if he was "planning to continue being alive," as he put it.
"…and one day we'll be married and we'll buy a huge house and we'll have fifty kids running around," He rambled, his tiredness beginning to show by his overexcitement.
"Fifty?!" Isabel exclaimed, attempting, but failing, to glare at the mad man sitting in front of her.
"Alright, maybe not fifty; but we need some little people running around some day, and a dog. Steve will be a great baby sitter as well, so you don't have to worry about being at home all the time; I know that would drive you insane, sitting at home constantly. Maybe you could finally open a bakery!" He said excitedly.
"Bucky, I have never wanted to open a bakery,"
"Sure you have!"
"No, you just want me to so you can eat everything!" She laughed.
"Well it's hardly my fault you're such an amazing baker," He muttered. There was a comfortable silence in the room for a few moments before Isabel spoke up.
"You actually want to do all that? You want to get married and have fifty kids and a dog, with me?" She asked quietly.
"No, absolutely not. We are definitely not getting married and I'll be leaving now. And I hate your pie," He said sarcastically, staring at her as if she were a child.
"Hey!" She laughed, smacking his arm slightly.
"Of course I do! It sounds a lot better than dying alone, or even worse, sharing a place with Steve for the rest of my life," He said, slightly more serious.
"Well that's good," She muttered quietly, looking down, "I quite like the idea as well," She smiled softly at him, finally meeting his eyes.
"Well that's definitely good to hear, it would be-" He was cut off by the front door being opened abruptly, both their heads snapped up in the direction of the kitchen where footsteps could be heard. Bucky quickly looked over at her and raised a finger to his lips, signalling her to stay quiet. She nodded and sunk down behind the couch silently. Bucky slowly walked to the doorway leading into the kitchen, and peered in quickly, his back against the wall a brief fraction of a second later.
"We wish you no harm Sergeant Barnes; in fact we have strict order prohibiting it. If you'd simply come back that would be greatly appreciated,"
"Who the hell are you, and where am I supposed to be going back to?" Bucky shouted back, walking in front of the doorway to look at the men standing in the kitchen. But he received no response.
"Please just come with us," The man in all black said to him, three guns pointed in his direction.
"I'm not going anywhere," He said sternly, glaring at the men around him.
"Well that is unfortunate,"
The man stepped forward and tried to grab him, Bucky swift got out of his grip, knocking him onto the ground. The other two grabbed him right after, the third one up again, attempting to inject him with some kind of drug; Bucky certainly didn't want to find out what it was.
"Bucky!" Isabel shouted, running out from behind the couch. The man holding the syringe didn't miss a beat, grabbing his gun he fired three rounds. Three bullets. That's all she could think. She was just shot, and then she was lying on the ground, watching them drag Bucky away.
"Isabel! No! Let me go damn it!" He shouted, trying desperately to run in her direction. She couldn't say anything back, she couldn't move, she couldn't talk. Finally they got the syringe into Bucky's neck. She wasn't sure what happened next. Everything faded and she saw black. She heard his voice in her head. She heard his voice calling her beautiful, she heard his voice promising their future, and she heard his voice calling her name. Then nothing. No feeling, no hearing, just, nothing.