"What is your last wish?"
Silver eyes opened as he stared at the plain scenery in front of him while brushing the white strands away from his face. How long exactly had it been since he came here again? Old memories rushed back to his head, and the nostalgic smell of the winter season hit his nose instantly.
The green traffic light began to flash as he started crossing to the other end of the road. His black boots shuffled along the small piles of snow which remained as he stopped, seeing the wooden road signs pointing to different routes. He shut his eyes, grimacing at the slight sting on his nose as a cold breeze blew past. His eyes then opened, staring at the first snow flake which fell on the ground.
"What is your last wish you want to fulfill before you die?"
Allen crossed the bridge leading to the small town, seeing a row of traditional houses and people who were going out of their homes to start the beginning of the day. He briefly scanned through the traditional houses, stopping at the main porch of one which was filled with small pots of bloomed hellebores. His hand reached out and knocked on the door. Shortly after, the sound of footsteps reached to his ears as the door opened. A young man in his early twenties stood there, long strands of his raven hair brushing across his face as he stared at him with a slight scowl on his face.
His lips formed into a smile.
"Hello, I am Allen Walker. I heard that there is a room at your place for rent?"
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Kanda Yuu, the person who will die in thirty days.
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Heaven's Messenger
"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create."
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
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5 December 1999, Day 1
He grimaced at a pillow coming out of nowhere which hit straight on his head, successfully waking him up from his sleep. To make it worse, the curtains were soon pulled aside as glaring sunlight pierced through the transparent glass, the sudden heat and brightness forcing him to pry his heavy eyes open in his sluggish state. Allen glared at the culprit at the door who simply gave him a passive stare.
"Wake up, Moyashi."
His vein twitched in irritation and he almost screamed out strings of curses when he stared at the alarm clock on the drawer beside the bed. It was only six in the fucking early morning and that bastard was already waking him up? He knew that Kanda had the habit of waking up early to meditate, but when had he become part of this ridiculous routine?
"I said, get up. I will not repeat a second time," Kanda warned again.
"Okay, okay!" He grumbled as he sat up, slipping his feet into a pair of warm slippers before he got out of bed. Allen grabbed a clean towel and new set of clothes as he walked past Kanda without a glance, proceeding to the toilet located outside the house. He shivered slightly as he stepped out, rubbing his hands and increasing his pace as he got himself a basin of warm water from the well. He was careful in opening the door of the toilet which was on the verge of falling off, not wanting to be involved in the wrath of Kanda's lest he broke it by accident.
After wiping his face dry with the towel, he hurried back into the house. Kanda was already at the small kitchen, preparing breakfast for the both of them as always. His stomach growled, welcoming the aroma wafting to his nose. He threw the towel into the laundry basket, glancing at the raven-haired man who was cooking with a stoic expression.
"Breakfast is ready, Moyashi," Kanda said, stepping out of the kitchen and putting two bowls of miso soups on the table. Allen pulled a chair out wordlessly and sat on it, peering at the steaming mackeral fish on his plate. He then shifted his gaze to a plate of vegetables, which was by coincidence, stir-fry bean sprouts.
Bean sprouts.
After breakfast, Kanda would settle at his favourite couch in the living room, sipping his hot tea and reading the morning paper. He brought the empty utensils back to the kitchen basin, wearing the washing gloves as he began washing the dishes. It was one of the conditions that he had to contribute something to the household if he wanted to stay here at a lower rental price. Well, not that he could care less about it. Allen placed the plate into the other basin, wiping away the excess foam on his nose as he started cleaning the next one.
After cleaning up, Allen got out of the house, walking along the quiet street in a relaxed pace, peering at the small traditional stores which were still around even in this era. Allen stopped in front of one of them, peering at a box of old collection of toys from his generation. He bent down, picking a small robot fitting his palm as he smiled.
Even if a few hundred years had passed, some places in Japan still never changed.
He boarded the bus, giving a smile to the driver who greeted him a good morning as he tapped his card and moved to the back. He sat at the furthest corner, peering at the snow cap mountains and the tiniest structures he could spot in this island as the bus began to set off. More people boarded the vehicle as time passed, yet his gaze was always fixed upon those shadowy beings besides the humans whom were special among the rest of them.
Messengers, just like himself.
He turned to a crying baby sitting in front of him as his mother patted him on his back gently, attempting to calm him down. He just stared, and he couldn't help but reach out to that small yet fragile palm. The baby stopped crying, and as they exchanged glances to each other, she began to giggle happily. His lips curved upwards slightly as he began shaking her hand very lightly.
Allen waved to the baby as his mother stood up and alighted. The bus began driving up the hills. The lights of the small towns were getting smaller and fainter. Before he knew it, he was alone once again, peering at the white plains as the bus started travelling on an expressway.
And as it went on, he could see a wooden mailbox in the middle of the plains, surrounded by piles and piles of snow.
He alighted, moving towards his destination. Allen pulled the hood over his head, grimacing at the strong roar of the wind blowing from both sides as he started crossing the empty road. He cut across the fences, fighting himself against the raging wind, and before he realised it, he had reached.
He took out a golden key from his pocket, narrowing his eyes as he slotted it in and opened it. His hand reached inside, grabbing piles of envelopes which were sent by people who wanted to get their feelings across to their loved ones who had already crossed the borders to the afterworld. Allen opened one of them, taking out the yellowish paper as he read the letter from a mother to her daughter.
I hope you will have a better life over there.
He opened another.
Farewell. Take care.
He dumped all the envelopes into his bag, locking the mailbox. After putting the golden key back into his pocket, he made his way back to the bus stop. He glanced at the darkened sky every now and then, increasing his pace as he saw the last bus approaching.
He boarded just in time. He sat at the same spot at the back, reading the letters for the rest of the journey. Some held regrets, others were just condolences. There were a few which were filled with bitter feelings, questioning why he or she just had to leave without any explanation.
The bus started driving downhill as lights could be spotted a distance away. He could not define these feelings, and neither could he justify them. He was all but a traveller delivering the final words, and travelling for years and years had long dulled whatever emotion he had.
Allen alighted at the town and began walking towards Kanda's house. He crossed at the traffic junction, trailing along the snowy path as the traditional house was within sight.
Suddenly, he heard something. He turned, and as he faced the red lights in front of him, something flashed before his eyes. There was a whirl of blinding lights, the screeching noise of a track pulling to a desperate stop echoing loudly at his ears. Then, something flew out―a blurry figure of blue landing at the other end with a heavy thud, his scattered raven hair strands dulled in a pool of bloodied red.
"Moyashi?"
Silver eyes widened as Allen turned around, seeing Kanda standing at the entrance. His hands were clenched hard, and he exhaled shakily, not realising that he had been holding his breath until now.
"Are you coming in?" Kanda asked gruffly. He nodded his head, tucking his shivering hands as he headed in swiftly.
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9 December 1999, Day 5
He opened the door, and was met with beautiful purple eyes which reminded him of lavenders he saw when he made a trip to Holland during fall. She was standing at the porch, peering at him curiously. Allen stood there in silence, a strange warm feeling tingling up his fingertips, She was very pretty―his ideal type―and there was something in her which seemed to be slightly familiar, yet he could not figure out what it exactly was.
"You must be Kanda's roommate right?" she asked, a smile on her face. Allen blinked at her question, his mind processing on how he should answer before he decided that he should just nod his head instead. He stepped aside as she took her shoes off and entered the house. He peered at her in slight curiosity from the side, wondering whether she was an acquaintance of Kanda's.
"Who was it? I told you never to open the door to strangers," Kanda said, stepping out of his room. He stopped momentarily as his gaze met hers. Not seeming to be surprised at her sudden arrival, Kanda turned away and walked to the living room wordlessly, pulling a small table near the heater and cushions for them to sit. The raven-haired man went back to the kitchen for a moment, before he came out again with two mugs of warm green tea in his hands. Both of them sat down and just stared at the table in front of them in silence.
"Kanda."
After a few minutes, she finally spoke out, her eyes staring at him with a flicker of sadness and melancholy. Allen watched them through the cabinet divider from the corridor, wondering what had really happened.
"Everyone needs you. You have to come back."
Kanda still remained silent, his eyes gradually drifted to the cup of green tea in front of him which laid untouched.
"No."
"Why?"
"No. No," Kanda repeated his answer flatly, but something was different. His voice was somehow strained, as though he was trying hard to put his emotions under control. That pair of indifferent eyes was now reflecting a slight pained look. Kanda had never showed such expression before, from what he had remembered since the day he lived here.
"I'm fine staying here. For your information, I have been doing my work despite my lack of presence in the company."
"But you can't spend your life like this forever," she argued back, and Allen could see that she was losing her patience.
"I'm fine with the way it is."
A loud slam was heard, startling him slightly.
"You know that it isn't your fault!" She finally burst out in anger and frustration, her eyes glaring at him.
"Lenalee―"
"Alma's death was caused by an accident!"
Her desperate voice echoed heavily in the air. Knowing that he should hear no more, Allen slipped back to his room quietly. He sat on the bed, peering at the snow falling from the sky. Another death had happened, and it had drastically changed the lives of the people around it. Like a clock which had malfunctioned, their time momentarily stayed at that particular period, unable to wipe out the memories completely.
"No."
"I'm sorry."
No one could stop it. No one could change what was about to happen.
"No. NO. You... You cannot do this to me! It isn't supposed to end up this way!"
A smile. And silence.
"ALMA!"
The door opened with a slow creak. Allen turned, seeing Kanda at the entrance. Even if his face expression was stoic, something gave him away. Even if it was just a normal accident he usually witnessed, something in Kanda somehow intrigued him.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"I did not know that you are the nosy type," Kanda scoffed. He did not answer him immediately. Even he himself did not know why. Was this the so called empathy he was supposed to show? It might be part of his duty, but...it somehow felt different.
Allen got out of the bed, stopping in front of him. He then reached out, his hand slipping into his as he held it gently. Kanda's hand stayed still for a long while, before his long, slender fingers gradually fitted into his for a short, brief moment. Warmth engulfed into his body through his hand, and his silver eyes widened, slightly surprised by his response towards this affectionate gesture which he usually hated.
"Alma was my childhood friend. We were very close, and were working in the same company in Tokyo. But one day, we got into a fight, and out of anger, I pushed him out onto the road."
Kanda's face was turning paler as he spoke, and Allen squeezed his hand tighter, telling him inwardly to continue.
"It was just a slip. A car just came out of nowhere and hit him. I could only watch as he died in front of me."
Kanda stopped talking, and even though he ended the conversation with a scoff, he knew that he was not alright at all. Even though there was no tears, he knew that Kanda was trying his best to control his emotions. Despite how strong-willed he might be, there would be a time when he would eventually break down, because he was human.
"It's okay now."
Sapphire eyes widened in slight surprise as Kanda was pulled into a light embrace. Allen wrapped his arms around his back, rubbing it gently.
"He is happy to be able to have a friend like you."
He could feel the figure in his arms flinching slightly at his words. Seconds later, he felt himself being pushed away rather gently.
"Che. And how would you know that?" Kanda questioned, frowning slightly.
'Because I saw it. That smile which was etched on his face before he left.' He almost said it. Allen lowered his gaze for a brief moment, before he smiled at him.
"I just...know it."
An infinite amount of time passed, and he stepped out of the room. Glancing through the gap of the cabinet divider, he saw Kanda sitting on the couch with his eyes closed. Allen took another couch across the other, and for the next few minutes, he just stared at his face which looked somewhat different from what he usually saw.
He could hear soft snores vibrating deep in his throat. His expression was loosened, traces of alertness and wariness which were supposed to be present were gone. Kanda was just there, sleeping soundly like anyone else would.
His heart skipped a beat as he watched, not knowing why he was doing this―why he was holding such curiosity over this man whom he barely met. This had never happened before. He had never felt...this much for a human, and he had never wanted so much to reach out to him―to truly help him in any way he could.
His fingers lingered at his forehead, brushing a strand away. Allen stiffened, redrawing his hand in realisation of what he was doing. He recollected himself, standing up to leave just as Kanda started to stir.
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12 December 1999, Day 8
His gaze was fixated upon the photo frame on the wooden console.
There were four people in it. He recognised the woman with violet eyes standing at the centre. Kanda and a guy with maroon hair were standing beside her. Allen then peered at the last guy, instantly remembering him as the victim who died in a car accident.
"I could only watch as he died in front of me."
He could not ignore this compelling urge. Allen felt the frame, visions of their lives playing in his mind when Alma was still alive. He almost read through those memories, until something forced him to stop. He jerked his hand away, stepping away as he pulled a distance between him and the photo frame. It was right for him to know what his client desired, such that he could try his best to fulfill them before he died, and even though he had been doing this for so many times, it somehow felt...wrong.
He walked out of the house, deciding to set the matter aside and get a breather. He remembered a conversation he heard in the bus from one of his trips that there was a new shopping mall commencing business today. Allen boarded the bus, heading over there without much consideration.
A few minutes later, he alighted, peering at the large opening and the grand shopping mall in front of him. It had already attracted quite a number of crowds as everyone rushed in to grab whatever bargains or discounts the stores might have. The western area of the mall was still renovating in progress, but that did not disrupt the lively atmosphere which he considered 'bubbly'.
He paused at a cafe nearby. Allen widened his eyes slightly as he recognised Kanda instantly, and sitting across him was the woman with those pretty violet eyes. Their expressions were not as tense as before, and...he wondered if it was the small size of the table separating them, but their faces were exceptionally close to each other.
Does...Kanda like Lenalee?
Allen frowned at the shift of something in his heart which shouldn't be there. Not certain why it suddenly popped out of the blue yet glad that he was finally making progress, he kept it in mind, noticing the increasing number of people streaming inside. He should ask Kanda about it one day.
He stared at the darker shades of orange coloring the evening sky. Allen headed out, and just as he was walking towards the bus stop, he froze, his eyes widening largely as his blood ran cold. He spun around quickly, seeing Kanda and Lenalee stepping out of the mall. At the same time, there was a resounding crack, before the wooden planks supporting the structure started falling.
It all happened too fast for him to catch up. He simply stared at the pile of mess on the ground. Then, a scream rang out. His gaze then shifted, his eyes widened at a particular being who had been standing beside the pile for a long time, his presence ignored by everyone who was around.
A messenger sent from the Heavens.
"My child! MY CHILD!" A woman was shrieking at the top of her voice, begging for someone to call for help. The ambulances soon arrived as casualties were brought into the vehicle. The police were present to analyse the current situation. Paramedics were rushing to the scene where the accident happened.
Just as he was about to step forward, Kanda emerged from the chaotic scene, coughing hoarsely in between as he pulled the unconscious Lenalee along with him. He did not notice the red stains on the ground which gradually accumulated; not until the paramedics told him about it. The raven-haired man just shrugged as though he did not care much about the pain, wiping the blood away as he followed them into the ambulance.
Sirens wailed as the ambulances left hurriedly. The crowds gradually dispersed, and the entire place was silent once again. The bus was long gone after the whole commotion. The sky began to darken, the town lights flickering down the streets. Allen just stood there, alone. His heart somehow calmed down, yet he wondered why he was acting frustrated.
It was meant to happen.
Why bother if you cannot even rectify it?
That night, Kanda came back with small plasters on his face and arms. He walked past his room as he heard the closing of the door. Allen peered out, and just as he thought of raising the question, he heard the ringing of the phone, and the slight apprehension in his voice as he answered the call immediately. The white-haired man peered at the door for a moment, before he stared outside, focusing on the pouring rain instead.
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14 December 1999, Day 10
He had always wondered how human emotions worked, and how these humans were able to express themselves so easily. It was just how this universe worked. To share the feelings of love and happiness to the people whom you care, and to be able to show their feelings and emotions whenever they wanted. He had seen all in the clients he had encountered, and even though he should know how love worked, he could never comprehend it.
Allen sipped the coffee, recalling that day when he saw Kanda and Lenalee together. They seemed close, but it wasn't in that way. It might be one sided, or that they preferred to remain as friends. Or there might be more complications he might not know. He had wanted to pop up the question to Kanda for a long while, but for some reason, he couldn't bring it up. Something seemed to stop him.
The wind blew furiously, the view from the outside hardly visible as the frost coated the glass pane completely. Allen let his eyes wander, stopping upon a familiar figure sitting at the far corner of the cafe. Staring at his dark raven hair which seemed to stand out even from a far distance, he wondered why he was not surprised by his presence.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
Kanda turned around, staring at him who was attempting to peek what he was doing from his shoulder. He adjusted his spectacles closer to his face with a slight push from his index finger, ignoring him as he continued in his work. There were a sketchbook, a few pencils and a coffee mug in front of him.
"Are you an interior designer?"
"Hnn."
His hand reached out to take a colour pencil, shading the walls of the house. Everything aside from the raven-haired man were tuned out of his mind as he watched him in silence. The colours overlapped one another, bringing out the beauty of the sketch more evidently. As the rooftop was colored in red, his eyes wandered to the plasters on his arms.
"Are you alright?"
Sapphire eyes widened slightly as Kanda paused, turning to him.
"I saw the news regarding the incident at the mall."
That pair of intense eyes continued to stare at him for a moment. Then, Kanda turned back to his sketch as he resumed in his coloring.
"As you can see, I am fine."
"Is Lenalee fine too?"
"She is resting at home."
"I see."
Kanda switched to his drawing pencil as he started adding some features to the sketch. He opened his mouth, and as he finally was about to ask the question, something vibrated loudly on the table. Kanda stopped in his work and peered at his phone, taking it up to answer. His voice was calmer this time, yet he could sense a slight reluctance and a little frustration in the way he was speaking.
"Moyashi."
Allen turned to see Kanda who had already ended the call, finishing up his work.
"I need to meet someone later, thus I will not be home in the evening. You prepare dinner yourself."
He blinked, saying nothing. The weather had cleared, and it was getting late. Allen finished his beverage, taking his coat and putting it on. He pulled the thick hood over his head, his fingers playing with the fluffy fur along it as he glanced at Kanda. He wondered why Kanda's silhouette always looked so lonely. Was it because of his aloof personality, or that cold and indifferent expression he always wore which distanced himself from the others?
"Kanda."
The raven-haired man stopped, turning to him. He did not know what made him call out to him.
"Be careful."
He did not answer. Allen turned and walked out of the cafe.
He spent the rest of the day lying on the warm couch, reading the letters he got a few days back. Placing another one aside, Allen stared ahead, listening the crackling of the fire at the fireplace and the lull whispers of the wind entering through a very tiny gap from the windows. The sky had already darkened, the time ticking away as street lights lit up in the evening. He could not comprehend the agitated feeling churning in his stomach as he kept a lookout on the time now and then.
His string of thoughts stopped there as he heard the soft click in the door lock. Whispers were heard at the door. Kanda was there in the dimmed lit area, and just as he was about to call him, his eyes slowly widened in shock as someone reached out, kissing him on his lips.
His eyes widened. He could not look away. He saw all of it, and it was until she left did he finally turn his face around. The door was closed quietly, and the approaching footsteps were getting louder, until they settled right beside him.
"Why are you still here?"
Sapphire eyes drifted to the stack of crumpled letters beside him. Allen gathered them in his arms hurriedly and stood up.
"I couldn't sleep."
He returned to his room, keeping the letters safely in his bag. He stood there, contemplating on that particular scene which he had just seen. Lenalee seemed desperate, yet Kanda just...showed a face of nonchalance, as though whatever she had done just now meant nothing to him.
He could not understand.
Allen stepped out, stopping Kanda by a pull on his wrist just as he was about to head back to his room. His expression was unreadable as Kanda stared at him.
"You like Lenalee?"
That pair of obsidian eyes reacted ever so slightly to his question. Yet, he did not answer.
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18 December 1999, Day 14
Allen walked out of the kitchen, peering at Kanda who was busily typing on his laptop. He had learnt not to disturb the other when he was absorbed in his large stacks of work lest he wanted to deal with a grouchy Kanda for the entire day. He drank the mug of water in his hand, and just as he was about to return to the kitchen, his eyes caught something. Allen peered outside, staring at Lenalee who was standing by the gates.
Talking about persistent...
He then turned to stare at Kanda who was now sketching. His phone had been vibrating for the whole morning, yet he did not bother to even spare a single glance at it.
He wore his coat over his shoulders as he took his bag and stepped out of the house, deciding to go to the mailbox and collect the letters today. Allen stared at the faint figure at the gates, before he sighed, walking out. He opened the gate, and she turned around, their gazes meeting each other instantly.
"Is Kanda at home?"
He briefly closed his eyes and exhaled softly, before opening them again as he took her hand and brought her to the door. He pressed the doorbell even if he could just open the door for himself, and Kanda arrived at the entrance, his eyes narrowing at the sight in front of him.
"Talk to her."
"It is not your place to interfere," Kanda said.
"You expect me to ignore when I saw this right before my eyes?" Allen questioned back. Kanda did not answer, and he turned around, leaving the two of them there as he headed out.
He stopped by the plains where the mailbox was once again. The amount seemed to be getting lesser day by day. He returned to the bus stop, sorting them out by the dates sent out as he waited for the bus to come. A gust of wind blew past, and he grimaced by the ticklish feeling from his hair, looking up as he stared at the clouded sky.
Allen headed back, holding his bag firmly by his hand as he opened the gates. He walked up to the door, wondering if the house was slightly too quiet. He slowly opened it and entered, looking around. He walked to the last room, stealing a glance inside as he saw Kanda resting on the couch, his eyes closed. He noticed a jacket by the bed and took it, covering it over him. He then walked back to his room quietly, taking the envelopes out as he started reading them.
He placed the letters aside, opening another to read. Allen raised his eyebrow, recognising this handwriting instantly. This person had been sending one each month, and the letter was never signed off. He read the content, realising that he was writing lesser each time. It was just a usual letter, until he stopped at the last sentence.
I wish we can rewind time, back to days when we were still together. I wish, yet...
Alma―
"What are you doing?"
Silver eyes widened as Allen turned around, seeing Kanda standing behind. He folded the letter in half quickly, pressing it with his hands firmly as he drew out a smile.
"I'm reading letters."
"Letters?"
"Yeah. It's my job. My boss requires feedback in what we are doing," he replied. Kanda said nothing, and the both of them stared at each other, finding themselves in a somewhat awkward predicament.
"How's you and Lenalee?"
Kanda did not answer for a moment. He stared at the hair strands on his shoulder which were moving very slightly. The raven-haired man took a breath deeper than usual, that pair of cold-steel eyes fixated on him.
"I believe I do not need to tell you everything."
"I am concerned for you." Allen paused at the sentence he said. He would always say those words to his clients, but to what extent? Does wanting to understand more about this person means being concerned for him?
"Just because you stay in my house does not mean you have the right to pry into my private matters," Kanda said, his voice so cold and emotionless that it hurt. He wondered how he could actually feel when he had lost it a very long time ago. His gaze went back to the letter, and he wondered if it was because of that.
"It isn't your fault."
That pair of obsidian eyes narrowed.
"What do you mean by that?"
"The accident―" Before he knew it, he was thrown against the wall, his hands on his shoulders in a bruising grip. His face was just centimetres away, and he could clearly see the whirlwind of emotions raging deep within those black orbs.
"Don't say as if you knew everything," he growled out, gritting his teeth so tightly as though he was controlling himself not to lash out at him. Allen simply stared at him―at his expression which looked so broken―and he instinctively reached out, his thumb brushing his cheek gently. Kanda jerked slightly, his hardened gaze flickering hesitantly upon his action which was simply not rational.
"He has forgiven you. A long time ago."
His eyes widened as he stared at him, stupefied. Allen smiled as he tucked the strands of his hair behind his ear, cupping his face. Kanda slapped his hand away soon after, stepping out of the room without a word. The warmth dissipated very quickly, and he somehow missed the touch. He turned to the desk, reopening the letter he had just read.
What should I do to get him back?
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21 December 1999, Day 17
He sat on the porch, staring at the weed flower which was growing strongly in the small gap of the concrete path. He closed his eyes for a moment, before letting out a sigh, opening them as he watched the puffs of warm vapour floating away.
It was late December, and he knew time was running out. His task was hardly complete, and understanding the current situation was way harder than he thought to be. Allen let out another sigh, picking up a tree branch on the ground as he began drawing on the thick layer of snow from last night listlessly.
He wondered why human emotions was so hard and difficult to comprehend. Now that he thought about it, when was the last time he cared for someone in particular? At that point of time, he was also a human, living a life the same as all of them did. When had he also acted upon his emotions? He pondered, and pondered, and somehow he would find himself laughing, realising that it was simply pointless.
Allen stood up, patting the snow from his clothes as he stared ahead, at the people who were walking on the street and talking among themselves along the way. He could not decipher the compressed feeling worming up his chest as he took in those sights. Is it supposed to be like this when you are talking to someone? He could not differentiate. Well, he could talk to anyone, and sure, he could smile, but the emotion was never there.
The laughter, the tears, the anger behind a reason...
He could never understand.
He could not forget the fury which burnt fiercely in that pair of obsidian eyes. Something within him was shaken by that strong emotion, and for that second, he felt breathless. His chest hurt, and it felt as if he had the same feelings as Kanda at that moment. He wondered if it was even possible. Well, for humans it was definitely, but for him...
Remember, you are only a traveller.
Allen entered the house, seeing Kanda sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.
Remember, emotions are only temporary.
Remember...
"Moyashi."
Allen looked up, meeting Kanda's gaze. That pair of eyes did not burn as strongly as before, yet it seemed to draw him in easily this time.
"The person fixing the water pipes will be here for a day, so you can spend your time outside until late evening."
"What about you?"
"I will be outside as well."
He watched as Kanda stood up, placing the newspaper together with the neat pile on the rack as he made his way to his room. Before he could stop himself, his hand had already grabbed the other's wrist. Kanda's eyes widened slightly as the man stopped, turning to face him. He did not know what made him react this way, and as he pondered on, the scene which happened yesterday appeared in his mind.
"I'm sorry."
Kanda raised his eyebrow in slight bewilderment. Allen wasn't sure why it was the first thing he wanted to say. It was not because of common sense. He remembered the strain in his voice forcing himself to say those words. He had apologised for countless times, yet it felt completely different this time.
"Che. It isn't your problem in the first place."
He released his wrist, and Kanda turned, walking back to his room.
He spent his time at a nearby cafe, reading the remaining letters and noting the important points to be taken care of when he sent them back to the heavens. Allen hummed a light tune at his lips, finishing the last sentence before he shut the notebook and drank his beverage which had turned cold. He looked up, his eyes narrowing slightly at seeing a familiar figure wearing a thick navy blue coat with a white scarf wrapping around his neck sitting on the wooden bench across the road.
Kanda. He wondered why he wasn't surprised at seeing him every now and then. Taking his belongings and throwing the empty styrofoam cup into the bin, he exited the cafe, trudging his way towards him under the thick pile of snow decorating the ground. Allen stopped metres away from him, and a sudden devilish idea invaded his mind.
Kanda smirked in content by his sketch so far, and just as he picked up a colour pencil, something wet and cold landed right on his face. The pencil flew out of his hand, and he wiped the snow away, checking if his sketch was still safe. He then glared angrily at whoever was doing this kind of joke. His eyes then widened in slight surprise at Allen who was laughing.
"Funny?" he questioned sarcastically.
His laughter gradually died down, though he was still trying to stop himself from grinning widely. Allen then noticed the sketch on his lap. His smile faltered as he ran to him to check if the sketch was also hit, promptly letting out a sigh when it didn't. He patted the snow away and sat beside him.
"Why are you always around me? Don't tell me that you are stalking me."
"I got better things to do," Allen answered, almost rolling his eyes. Kanda snorted at his statement, picking up the colour pencil on the ground as he resumed in his work. He leaned further back, gazing at the clear sky.
"So how is it going with you and Lenalee?"
The sounds of the pencil stopped upon his question. The wind died down, and the surroundings became so quiet that he could hear his own breathing.
"I don't like her."
Kanda put the colour pencil back to the pencil case as he took out another one.
"Alma's death just happened two months ago. It's too...soon."
Allen remained silent. He slowly turned to face the front, peering at the empty street as he wondered what had actually happened. The air around him felt heavy all of a sudden, as though it was attempting to pull him down. His heart felt slightly pained, and a wave of sadness washed over him. He grimaced, wondering what was into him nowadays.
Kanda placed the pencil on the sketch, blowing warm puffs of air onto his stiff hands before rubbing them together. Allen stared at the notebook in his hands, narrowing his eyes as his grip on it tightened.
"Let me help you as well."
"Help me?" Kanda asked, raising his eyebrow and giving him an apprehensive look. "What, are you going to meddle into my affairs again?" The man was about to continue when he stopped, astonished by the determined gaze in his eyes.
"I want to help you, Kanda. Please."
Suddenly, there was a loud crack above. Silver eyes widened as he pushed Kanda away instinctively, seconds before the detached tree branch fell onto the bench with a loud crash. He was thrown far out, falling into a pile of snow just at the roadside. Allen emerged out, gasping slightly. He turned to the mess in front of him, his heart almost stopped when Kanda was nowhere to be found. He got up quickly, stumbling in his steps as he made his way over hurriedly, calling out his name.
"Kanda!"
He searched through the snow, seeing the scattered pencils and the sketch book which was now soaked. Allen hissed, squatting at the place where the bench, now smashed into pieces, previously was as he began digging. His thoughts were all jumbled up as he wondered what had made this happen. As far as he knew, it wasn't time yet. Is it even possible that circumstances which were unforeseen could bring it forward?
Allen stopped. His hair strands were damp, his frozen hands holding the cold lumps of melting snow. He looked down, biting his lips as he struggled against the overwhelming emotions. He did not like this. He could not comprehend this sudden compulsion towards someone whose life had been predetermined. Why bother when he was going to die anyway? Why was he trying so hard? He empathised, but it had never been this strong, so severe that he wanted so much to reject it.
"Moyashi."
He stiffened for a second. Then, he slowly looked up, seeing Kanda standing before him. He could only stare at him, his mind in a blank.
"Fuck, my sketches are ruined. How did this happen anyway?" Kanda muttered, peering at the mess they managed to avoid. "Why aren't you moving? Are you frozen?" he asked, frowning. The man then let out a sigh, before putting his hands on his shoulders and lifted him up. Allen simply stared as he began picking up his drawing materials on the ground.
Remember, you are only a traveller.
"Let's go home."
"I'm sorry."
"Again?" The raven-haired man said in slight frustration. "It is not as if you planned it. And the sketches can be drawn again."
He just stared for a moment, before he smiled.
"Yeah, you have a point. I'm just sorry for this to happen―"
"Don't smile like that."
Allen blinked, slowly looking up as Kanda was staring at him with a gaze that looked rather somber.
"Don't smile when you don't feel like to."
His eyes widened just as the other turned to leave. Even when he was long gone, he just stood there, his words echoing deeply inside his mind. Why to that extent...for this person? His lips quivered, his hands fisting onto his coat as he stared at the ground.
"Shit..." he cursed softly, realising where this was heading to.
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23 December 1999, Day 19
"I need to go somewhere for a while, so you can go home for now."
He nodded, taking the things from his hands as they stopped at a traffic junction. The green light was flashing, and Kanda went ahead. He just watched, and suddenly, the surroundings around him became deadly silent. Then, the blaring honks of a vehicle echoed sharply in the steel air.
His eyes widened in horror, the things slipping from his hands and falling onto the ground with a loud crash as his silhouette was soon wiped off by a large truck which skidded across the road.
"KANDA!"
His figure flew out, landing on the road several metres away. His chest heaved as he struggled to keep up with his breathing, rushing to his side. He collapsed, lifting the still body which felt extremely cold as he started begging for him to respond.
"Moyashi?"
He froze for a second. He slowly turned around, seeing Kanda who was standing behind, staring at him in shock. He could only stare at him for a long moment, before he turned back to the lifeless body he was currently holding.
His eyes widened at the appearance of himself who was lying in a pool of blood.
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His eyes snapped open, opening his mouth and breaking out into fits of coughs as he began inhaling large amounts of air. Allen stared at the white ceiling of the room which he was currently living in, his hand gripping his loosened sleeping clothes. He slowly sat up, tidying his dishevelled hair as he stared at the clock in front of him which read exactly eight in the morning.
He was washing the dishes as usual. Allen brought the sponge filled with soap to the plate, scrubbing it lightly under the running tap. The dream had been bothering him ever since, the details not going away.
It was the same.
Yet...
He looked up, seeing Kanda pouring a cup of coffee beside him.
"Moyashi?"
Silver eyes widened in horror, the plate slipping out of his hand and falling to the basin with a loud crash. Kanda noticed it instantly and stepped up, gripping his arm upwards before he hurt himself. Allen swallowed, feeling nauseous and light-headed as he leaned onto the other for support. He felt a tug on his arm as he was slowly led outside.
He was promptly cleaned up, and Kanda refrained him from stepping into the kitchen, muttering about 'something disastrous will definitely happen if you step inside'. Allen did not notice him walking away, his mind preoccupied with the dream.
Only that it wasn't a dream. To him, dreams no longer existed. The only memories he had were premonitions―the visions of people's lives coming to an end before they left for the afterworld. It was supposed to be Kanda's death, so why was he the one who was lying there?
He shook his head and stood up, walking to his room. Minutes later, he stepped out, dressed nicely with his gloved hands tucked inside the warm pockets of his coat as he prepared to head out to collect the letters. Allen walked to the bus stop, and just as he was about to join the queue, he stopped, noticing someone familiar. He looked over, grimacing slightly from the glaring light as he saw a man with dark curls leaning against the lamp post.
His eyes widened in slight surprise as the man came over, taking his hat off.
"It's nice to see you again, shounen."
"You aren't supposed to be here, Tyki. You should be doing your own mission."
"And this is my mission," the man replied, revealing a gentlemanly smile. Allen raised his eyebrow, slightly bewildered.
"I am sent here under the orders of the Millennium Earl. There is something extremely important which you need to be notified of."
"And what would it be?"
That pair of golden orbs flashed darkly as his lips formed a thin line.
"Have you seen anything different recently?"
He frowned, wondering what he was implying.
"No, not that I've known of―"
"Think, Allen," Tyki emphasised sharply which startled him. His eyes wandered to the street, trying to figure out what seemed to be different from his usual routine. The dream was all he could think of right now, and...
Silver eyes slowly widened.
Tyki stared at him, his eyes narrowing upon seeing his reaction.
"I wasn't sure if I was seeing this wrongly," Allen said. From what he knew, some premonitions might not be accurate due to memories made from the real world which conflicted each other. He had it at times, and this was considered normal.
"No, that is the truth."
"Truth?" he muttered, shivering slightly upon a foreboding impression that he was not going to like what he was hearing next. Tyki's expression hardened, that pair of emotionless eyes fixated onto him.
"The visions you are now seeing...is now your 'death'."
His throat went dry upon hearing his words. Tyki leaned closer, his hands caressing his cheeks lightly as he gave him a distressed look.
"If this keeps on, you are the one who is going to die."
He did not say anything. Rather, he could not utter out a single word at this sudden revelations. Allen breathed out shakily, his gloved hand reaching out to the other as he gripped onto his arm. He was not sure if he was hearing things. When had it started spiralling down, so fast and so rapidly that he did not even notice it?
"Come back with me."
Allen's head snapped up, staring at him in shock.
"It is the only way to slow the effects. You should know that very well," Tyki answered grimly. "For people like us, we aren't allowed to show or reflect emotions. It is the unspoken rule which we have to commit."
Allen stared across the road, remembering the incident which happened yesterday.
"A sign has arrived. And another will come. And the next one will. And this will continue until the scene which you foresee occurs. It will not stop. It will never stop until the goal is reached," Tyki said, tightening his grip on his shoulders. "And when that happens, Allen, you can no longer return."
"I know," he replied solemnly. Allen peered at his arms and the body which he was currently possessing. His eyes then narrowed as he pushed Tyki away.
"But I've decided. I want to fulfill his wish."
Tyki's eyes widened. Allen chuckled, letting out a deep breath.
"Despite his aloof character which might be mistaken as being snobbish, which I think he was at times, he is diligent in whatever he is doing. He always believes that what he does is right, and I am kinda envious that he can do whatever he wants without being restrained. I just...want to guide him along till the end."
"Even if it means dying?" Tyki questioned.
"I will do whatever I can. Because it is my job after all," Allen said, smiling. Tyki just stared at him in silence for a moment, before he let out a defeated sigh, shaking his head as he turned around and began walking away.
Before he left, he stopped. Allen raised his eyebrow.
"It may be because of the job, but..."
His golden eyes stared at him with intensity.
"...what does he really mean to you?"
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25 December 1999, Day 21
Allen sat at the desk in slight boredom. It was Christmas day, and it had been snowing heavily for the whole afternoon. There was no way he could go out and get the letters any time soon.
He stared at the letters which were stacked neatly at the side, opened and read.
"What does he really mean to you?"
Allen closed his eyes, tucking his head in the warmth of his arms encircling himself. He chose to block off those thoughts, standing up to leave the room. He peered at the empty living room, wondering where Kanda might be. Surely he wouldn't be out at this timing?
He peeked into the kitchen, finding nothing. He was not in his room either. Allen walked around the house, and just as he turned to the door, it suddenly opened, revealing Kanda who was covered with piles of snow on top of his hood. He just blinked, his lips threatening to curve upwards at this sight.
"Don't laugh," Kanda warned lowly, coming inside as he took his shoes off, patting the snow away before returning to his room to change. He stepped out a few minutes later with a new set of clothes worn, switching on his laptop as soon as he sat on the couch. Allen sat across him, glancing at the sheets of sketches which he just completed yesterday.
"Would you mind sketching a portrait of me?"
Kanda raised his eyebrow slightly upon hearing his question. He peered at him for a moment, before he grunted in response, returning to his work.
"I'm not that idle."
"What is your purpose for drawing?"
"To spend my time," Kanda replied instantly, turning his head to the drafts as he took one of them and turned back to the laptop screen.
"I never thought you are this kind of person."
"What are you implying?"
"Lying."
Kanda paused, his hand remaining on the mouse as he stared at the screen. His expression remained indifferent as he continued typing. The lighting reflected from the screen flickered very slightly, the surrounding around them completely silent.
"Hey, Kanda. Do you have a wish you want to fulfill?"
"Wish?" He almost heard a scoff from the other. "Only people who have nothing to do would depend on something like that."
"No. Wishes are existences that overpowers reality. It consists of strong, unwavering emotions from us as we desperately desire for things which we might not be able to get or reach out to, yet we still wish for it anyway," Allen said, peering outside as he saw countless of tiny stars decorating the night sky.
"It is plainly ridiculous and only a waste of time," Kanda answered, taking up another draft as he began to type.
"It might help to relieve some of your pain. Because you wouldn't know if it would really come true, you can continue wishing―"
Kanda slammed the pencil down, startling him slightly. The raven-haired man turned to him, his gaze exceptionally cold and unfeeling.
"That is why humans are stupid and foolish. To cling onto something which will not even happen in the first place. So what if it hurts? Our lives still go on as it is. No one gives a damn on how miserable you are. They would not know. They would not understand. And eventually, they forget."
He let out a low hiss, running his hand through his hair messily. The hair band slipped out, falling onto the mat. Kanda then stood up, taking the sketches with him.
"Don't be so naive."
He left, and Allen remained on the couch, staring at the laptop which was now closed. He was reminded of the letters he had collected, and he could not help but admit that he was somehow right. Yet, even if it was wrong; even if it was way too late, people still wanted their feelings to be reached, to relieve the burden that they had been carrying for too long.
Allen stood up, walking to his room. He peered from the entrance, seeing Kanda leaning against the window, peering outside. The moon could be seen from here, the moonlight illuminating into the room. Even if Kanda was living a solitary life, he had never seen him looking so lonely right now.
"It is only because you are human."
His eyes widened slightly, before Kanda turned around to face him.
"It is only because you are human, that you wish. To fill up the empty space which have been left out for too long."
Kanda remained silent. He wondered what made him say those words. In the past, he would definitely not phrase it like this. At least, he would not mention the word 'humans' directly. To him, it was far too long for him to remember. Allen chuckled softly, turning around as he started to leave.
"Then, what do you wish for?"
Silver eyes widened as he stopped. It hadn't crossed his mind, because there wasn't a need to. For someone like him, does he have the ability to wish?
He did not answer, and Kanda did not say further. Allen grabbed his coat and opened the door, stepping into the open. He shivered slightly, looking up as he saw snow falling. A smile grazed his features as he lifted his hand, allowing the small white flakes to descend onto his palm. He could not explain this conflicted feeling―standing outside, surrounded by snow during Christmas day. It felt strangely nostalgic, and he wondered if this day was somehow special to him.
Allen returned to his room, seeing a snow globe on his desk. He peered at the bright, silver bits floating to the bottom, before he noticed a small slip of paper with words 'Merry Christmas' beside it. He slowly took it up and shook it gently, allowing the silver bits to fall once again.
"What does he really mean to you?"
The emotions were spiralling down at a drastic speed. Allen closed his eyes.
It will be soon.
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28 December 1999, Day 25
Alma,
How have you been? It has been two months and ten days without you around. How does the heavens look like? It must be as beautiful and breath-taking like what is described in the books. I really want to see it one day.
Kanda still does not want to return, but at least he looks better now. He spends his time doing his company's projects, and tend to his plants occasionally. It seems weird right, a person like him having this kind of hobby.
I wonder if it is because of the new tenant living with him currently. If I'm not wrong, his name is...
Allen looked up, peering at the clock hanging on the wall above him. It was currently three in the afternoon. He paused for a moment, hearing muffled noises beyond the closed door which sounded like laughter. He peered at the door, before he got out of his seat, walking to the door as he slowly opened it.
Kanda was frowning in displeasure, trying to get his drafts away from those pair of hands attempting to snatch to her side. Lenalee was laughing softly, and after a while, Kanda shook his head, sighing in defeat as he handed one page to her.
Allen closed the door quietly, leaning against it. The laughter continued echoing in his mind. He stared ahead, seeing the bright sun between the hovering clouds which were constantly moving. It had not been snowing as frequently as before, and the wind was getting slightly warmer. He turned to the desk, staring at the snow globe at one corner.
Ah, I remembered. His name is Allen. He is the first person who can live along with Kanda very well. I was surprised that Kanda even allowed him to stay in his house. He does not talk much, but I know he is a nice person.
A series of knocks snapped him out of his thoughts as the door opened.
"Lenalee asked whether you want to try the cake she baked."
Allen stared at him for a moment, before he nodded and walked out with him. Lenalee approached him, handing him a plate of strawberry shortcake. He promptly thanked her, sitting at the dining table as he took the fork and cut a small piece, putting it in his mouth. Kanda and Lenalee continued their conversation, and he just watched in silence, as though he was a spectator watching the scene of a drama playing before his eyes.
I really hope...that he would come and visit you soon. Even if you still hasn't forgiven him...even if he still feels guilty for what he had done...
He took the empty plate and went into the kitchen, putting it inside the basin. He wondered if he should act out the way he should―to make them realise the things that they still had. Allen peered at his silhouette which was blocked by the long couch. He wanted to remind Kanda that there were still people around who cared for him even if Alma was no longer at his side.
Their gazes accidentally met. Allen turned away, continuing to wash the dishes. After putting them away, he retreated to his room, back to the letter which he had yet to finish.
No matter how long it will be, I will wait for him.
His hand shifted across the crumpled paper, his lips forming a thin line. Humans say their feelings out so thoughtlessly, without considering the consequences. Then again, since when had he started acting as if he was one of them? He had long forgotten how it was like to be a human, and had abandoned that particular thought to relive it. Furthermore, no one would remember him. They would eventually forget, and gradually, they moved on.
"They would not know. They would not understand. And eventually, they forget."
The door creaked as it opened, revealing Kanda who was standing outside. He was somehow envious of Alma, because there were still people who remembered him―who refused to forget.
"Moyashi."
"Hey, Kanda. If I disappear one day, would you remember me, like you remember Alma?"
He did not turn around, but he could imagine the scowl on his face as though he had asked another stupid question. He also had no idea why he asked this, yet at that split second, he wanted to know.
"Che. What are you talking about? You are just my tenant."
Allen closed his eyes, his lips curving into a smile as though he was completely relieved of his words.
"You are absolutely right. Do not attempt to remember me, even if I no longer exist."
He walked out of the room, not noticing the astounded look on the other's face.
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31 December 1999, Day 28/ 1 January 2000, Day 29
It was the last day of the month.
Allen took the watering can and began watering the plants. It had somehow become a routine, and Kanda had supervised him many times on the exact amount of water he should give to the plants each day. He squatted, feeling the small green leaves gently, before he noticed a tiny bud hidden inside. He then put the watering can aside and stood up, stretching his arms.
He went to retrieve the letters again, realising that there was only five of them.
The letter written to Alma was not inside.
He returned, noticing that the house was cleaner than usual. It is said that during this time, the house is cleaned, all debts are paid, and friends and family members will visit one another and exchange gifts. He doubted anyone would visit since Kanda was alone most of the time, with Lenalee as the exception.
In the afternoon, Lenalee visited with gifts in her hands. Kanda accepted reluctantly after much persuasion from her. He had one as well, and he apologised for not returning her one, which she dismissed it lightly, saying that he was only Kanda's tenant.
The three of them headed to a shrine in the early evening, not wanting to be caught up in a traffic jam. Allen peered at the kimono that he was wearing, tugging at the thick material in slight curiosity. Kanda was forced to come, in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, and as usual, his scowling face was scaring off the people around them.
They arrived at their destination exactly at seven, and there was already a considerably amount of people queuing at the shrine. They followed suit, sticking together as the crowds became thicker. Allen peered at the faint lights from the lanterns which flickered slightly in reaction to the wind which blew by. He turned, noticing the way Lenalee leaned against Kanda as the people continued to squeeze through, and the way he held his arm around her shoulder protectively.
He turned back to the front, gripping his arms as he wondered if the weather was colder than he thought to be. His lips parted as he breathed out slowly, the warm vapours of air dissipating quickly. Allen rubbed his stiff hands together, staring at the large bell in front of the shrine.
Suddenly, there was a hard push. The crowds around them shifted largely, and his eyes widened at seeing Kanda who was falling backwards due to the imbalance. He reached out, grabbing his wrist tightly as he pulled him to his side. Obsidian eyes widened as their bodies crashed, their hands holding onto each other tightly for support.
"Are you alright, Kanda?" Lenalee exclaimed in concern. Allen stared at his pair of arms he was now holding, before he slowly released them, turning around. The warmth dissipated very quickly, and he rubbed his hands once again, ignoring that particular urge―want―growling at the pit of his stomach, wanting him to realise it. Allen swallowed, feeling the constricted feeling once again which was making him slightly breathless. He did not know what this feeling was, and could not comprehend it either. All he did was to prevent that from happening. After all, he was his client―
His string of thoughts was cut off as he heard a loud, resounding chime ahead. Everyone cheered, and as he checked the timing on his phone, he realised that it was exactly twelve midnight.
The queue was moving fast, and soon, it was his turn. Allen watched as the person in front of him walked down the steps. He slowly walked up, stopping in front of the shrine. He tossed a coin inside a box, holding the thick rope linking to the bell as he shook it. He then clapped twice, before he closed his eyes.
"Then, what do you wish for?"
After wishing, the three of them was at a stall purchasing the omikuji which was similar to fortune telling, and could act as a good-luck charm as well. Allen opened his, staring at the first sentence he was now reading.
You will soon meet your destined one.
Destined one? He almost raised his eyebrow. He knew that it was just fortune telling in general, and the details might be a little exaggerated. Allen couldn't help but smiled slightly, folding the paper as he tied it on the branch of the tree beside him.
"Yours isn't good, Allen?" Lenalee questioned.
"Yeah," he replied.
"The way you tied the paper...it somehow feels different from the rest," she commented, staring at it. Allen just smiled in response, following them behind as they began heading home. Lenalee alighted at the nearest station, and before he realised it, only the two of them were left on the bus. He peered outside, letting out a soft sigh as he opened the window with a light pull, feeling the cold breeze tickling his cheeks.
"So, did you wish for something?"
Silver eyes blinked, before he turned to Kanda who was sitting across him, slightly surprised that he would be the first one to initiate a conversation.
"Yeah."
"Hnn," Kanda answered with slight consideration. "For someone to be preaching about something like wishes, I never thought you would act this way."
Allen stiffened. He leaned closer to the window, focusing his attention on the night view instead. They soon alighted, and began walking to the house. He walked in a slow pace behind Kanda, staring at his back solemnly. Thinking back, was Tyki right in him being involved with emotions so easily? He chuckled, not noticing the man in front of him who had stopped as he collided onto him.
"What―"
"I told you not to smile like that."
Allen looked up, meeting his gaze which was strangely enticing as it was gradually attracting him in. Kanda opened the door, holding it aside as he waited for him to enter. He just stood there, staring at him in silence. And even if he refused to realise the feelings that he had always wanted to convey to the other, he hoped that he could face it, because it showed that he still remembered.
"At least, you still remembered."
Kanda raised his eyebrow in slight bewilderment.
"Even if everyone has forgotten about him, you still remembered," Allen said. Obsidian eyes widened for a second, before they narrowed.
"I already told you that it is none of your business―"
"I mean it," Allen cut him off. "And because of that, you cannot run away forever."
Kanda stared at him, shocked. Allen stepped forward, closing the distance between the both of them. He then reached out, putting a hand at his chest where his heart resonated. Their hair strands were entangled together as the wind blew towards where they were currently standing.
"It is not wrong to remember. The photos you have, the gifts you received... These memories are precious, created by the both of you which signify the special relationship you two shared. They will remind you that it exists. It isn't something which can be forgotten easily."
He stared into his eyes, his lips gradually curving upwards as he brushed away the strands from his face.
"You can try to forget, yet there will be some things even you yourself cannot take away. After all, he is your important friend right?"
Allen redrew his hand, stepping back as he entered the house. He went back to his room, closing the door as he leaned against it. He gasped slightly, clutching his hands together as he slid to the floor.
It hurt. He did not know when it happened, but it hurt. That overwhelming feeling which was clenching his heart so tightly, his entire senses screaming of the excruciating pain. Allen breathed heavily, staring at his shadow cast on the ground. He unconsciously smiled, Kanda's words echoing at the back of his mind. He laughed softly, wondering if this was how it felt like to be a human. Somehow, he had to thank Kanda for that.
"For me who wants to be remembered..." he muttered, closing his eyes.
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2 January 2000, Day 30
Allen opened his eyes, wincing at the glaring sunlight as he peered at his cup of coffee left untouched. His mind started registering the noises in the cafe he was currently in a few seconds later, and he looked up, seeing the raven-haired man sitting at a corner, absorbed in his work.
He tucked his head further into the green fur hood, even if he grimaced at the unbearable heat from the sun which was shining at him directly, wanting so much to take his coat off. Allen flipped through the pages of his notebook listlessly, staring at the beverage which had already turned cold.
Kanda packed his stuff quickly, emptying the mug of beverage before he walked out of the cafe. He followed, blending together with the crowd as he trailed behind. They soon stopped in front of the traffic junction, and he eyed the vehicles very closely, his mind and body on high alert.
The traffic flashed green, and everyone started to cross. He stepped across the white solid lines on the road, peering at the raven-haired man who was buying newspaper and a bouquet of flowers at a nearby stall. Kanda then thanked the stall owner, giving a slight bow as he went on his way. He stopped at a bus stop, leaning slightly against the pole as he flipped the newspaper and began reading it. Allen stopped a few metres away, staring at his silhouette in silence.
He boarded the bus, and he took a taxi, asking the driver to follow the bus behind. Allen took the hood off, peering outside as they headed to the north. The town gradually became smaller, almost out of sight as the taxi travelled on a one-way line, ascending the slope. It went on for thirty minutes, until the bus reached the final stop as the doors opened, revealing Kanda who chose to alight.
He paid the driver the fare, asking him to wait for a while before getting off. Kanda continued walking up the slope alone, and he paced behind. The wind was getting chilly as they went up, and as the top of the slope could be seen, he saw Lenalee who turned upon seeing Kanda.
Allen reached to the summit, widening his eyes at the stone graves on the ground. Both of them stopped at one of them, and Kanda bent down, placing the flowers on top of it. Lenalee was standing at the side as he faced the grave. His lips parted as he started mouthing out something. His shoulders were trembling slightly, and Lenalee stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him as a sign of comfort.
He smiled, turning around and going to the taxi which was still waiting for him. He travelled for a while more, before the taxi gradually stopped at the bus stop facing the plains. He paid the driver, stepping out as he stared at the mailbox in the middle.
Allen opened it, taking out an envelope. He took out the letter, reading it.
Alma,
I did not know what made me write this letter. It is ridiculous. And even if I do not want to believe this kind of stuff, I found myself writing. To you.
I tried forgetting. It makes sense, isn't it? Who would remember something which can never come back and only cause them pain? But I realise that I can never forget you. If meeting you is the only way to make me move on, I will.
You may not forgive me for my actions, but I still want to let you know that I am sorry for it.
This will be the first and the last letter that I'm writing to you. I hope that you are doing well.
Take care, Alma.
Silver eyes opened, realising that the bus had stopped in front of the cafe. He alighted, staring at the view as he began walking back. Shades of deep orange shone across the horizon. He felt surprisingly calm and peaceful for the first time.
Allen stopped at a traffic junction. Looking up, he saw Kanda and Lenalee standing at the opposite. The traffic light turned green, and as Kanda turned to the front, their gazes met.
Both of them stepped forward. Bright light flashed continuously at the side. A strong gust of wind blew by, blocking out the sounds from his ears. Kanda grimaced as he stopped, turning away for a moment. He then looked up, his obsidian eyes widening in horror as his lips desperately mouthed something incoherent towards him. He did not know what he meant, until he turned and saw an incoming vehicle approaching him at high speed.
"What does he really mean to you?"
"ALLEN!"
Voices were everywhere, yet his was the loudest. Silver eyes gradually turned to a blurry figure in front of him. Frankly, he still did not know. Yet, he understood that he was special to him.
"Then, what do you wish for?"
A presence descended, and he knew who he was. Allen smiled as his vision cleared for the last time, seeing Kanda before him.
I want him to live on.
"Thank you."
His job was finally done.
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5 December 2010, xx Day
Kanda opened the door of the room which had been vacant for a long time. He walked towards the bed, switching the lamp on. His gaze then fell upon the papers on the table which had turned yellow. Raising his eyebrow slightly, he pulled one out as he stared at the content.
"I'm reading letters."
"Letters?"
"Yeah. It's my job. My boss requires feedback in what we are doing."
His eyes slowly widened.
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"Hey, Kanda. If I disappear one day, would you remember me, like you remember Alma?"
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End
Author's Notes: To summarise, yes, Allen 'died', but not in the way humans die. Heaven Messengers are souls who are assigned tasks by the heavens to make sure that humans can leave peacefully for the afterlife, so technically, Allen has already died once. Even if they are just souls and not real humans, they somehow acquired a temporary body for themselves to live in the human world. By what Tyki has mentioned by his death and not able to return to the heavens, it implies that his existence will be erased and he will disappear. Though, I did not mention where his soul has gone to, so it is up to your speculations.
Allen's character may be a little confusing. Previously he feels because he thinks he needs to, in order to comprehend emotions which he had already forgotten ever since he had died a long time ago and conveying them correctly to his clients, which are humans whose lives are reaching towards its end. It is like "It's natural to show sympathy or empathy towards someone who has lost their loved ones" or something similar to that. But as he got to know Kanda, he began to understand, and shows them because he wants to.
As for the last paragraph, it hints that Kanda remembers Allen after seeing the letters on the table. There was a time lapse of ten years, which he had been forgotten completely as his existence was wiped out from the memories of the people whom he had come across. But some things remain, triggering the emotions and causing him to remember.
This story is supposed to be published like years ago, during the Yullen week. But I somehow drag it until now and am finally able to finish it. This story will probably end as a one shot. The next chapter of Seasons will be out soon, so do keep a look out! I will try to post the chapter before my final examinations in May.
SingingBlues