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CHAPTER 5

When I woke up the room was already dark. By the growling of my stomach I could tell it was past dinner time. I lay on the bed trying to wrap my mind around everything what happened today.

Fist of all, it was the time to admit that I was more powerful that a regular Grisha. I denied what people told me long enough to believe it and now this knowledge was a heavy burden on my shoulders. I remembered what the Darkling told me, about accepting my power, but even now I wasn't ready to do that.

The other thing that occupied my thoughts was my relationship with the Darkling. I had no idea where it was going and that made me feel insecure. I wanted to know what he felt, but I was scared to hear all possible answers.

Then I thought about the strange cloud that was made by me and the Darkling, but I didn't have a theory about that. Yet, by the reaction of the Darkling, Amanda and Baghra, I knew it was something strange, dangerous and unexpected.

I stood up and decided to go to the domed hall. If the dinner had already finished, at least I could find a servant and ask him to bring me something to eat.

As I expected, the hall was empty and quite. There was no point in waiting for a servant there, so I headed for the exit, where I ran into the Darkling.

"Alina, what are you doing here?" he didn't hide his surprise.

"I overslept dinner" I answered honestly. "I came here looking for a servant."

"I see" he said slowly, as if deciding what to do next. "Since I was about to eat, why don't we have dinner together?"

"I don't know…" I hesitated.

"What are you afraid of?" he asked with a smile "I'm not going to eat you."

I blushed, but he didn't wait for my answer and went towards his door. My eyes followed him, but my legs didn't. He opened the door and gestured me to come in. Mentally I destroyed the part of me that wanted to go back to my room. I followed the Darkling through the corridors and he opened the door of his private quarters for me.

As I entered he said, "Give me a moment. I will tell the servants" and left me alone in the room.

Nothing changed since my first visit. I approached the shelf with books and looked at the titles. The books were old and most of the names I didn't understand, but one book caught my attention. It had a golden sun on its cover that was shimmering in the candlelight. I took it from the shelf and read, "Sun Summoner. The Legends"

I went to the couch and placed the book in my lap. When I opened the first page I saw a picture that took my breath away.

On the right side there was a woman with golden hair. The light was emerging from her in waves in every direction. The area around her hands was so sparkling that I decided that it was painted with real gold. Next to her was a man in dark clothes. He was surrounded with the coal-black cloud and his arms were outstretched towards the woman. In the place where their hands met the light and darkness intertwined in such way, that in the candlelight it looked like they were moving. Every detail of the picture was so precise and delicate that it looked almost real.

I was so focused on the book that I didn't hear the Darkling come in and approach me.

"Reading about yourself?" he whispered in my ear.

I jumped and closed the book.

"Sorry" I said blushing. "I should have asked before touching you things."

I hurried to put the book back to the shelf, but he stopped me.

"If you want to read this book, you can take it."

I didn't say anything else, because the servants entered the room with the food. The Darkling went through the small door near the fireplace and appeared less than a minute later with a bottle in his hands.

"Wine?" he asked me and went to the table, where the servants had already finished their job.

I realized I was still standing with the book in the middle of the room and every muscle of my body was so tensed that it refused to move. I told myself to calm down, but I felt that I was on the verge of crossing the final line after which there was no way back. I wasn't sure that I wanted to have my old life back, but unknown scared me even more.

"Alina?" the Darkling said, while opening the bottle. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I lied. "Still a bit tired from the training."

"You didn't answer me about wine." He took a glass with the red liquid and offered it to me.

He watched me closely as I approached the table and took the glass from him. Our fingers brushed and felt my pulse quicken.

"Please, sit down" he moved the chair for me.

He sat in front, took a glass of wine and looked at me seriously, but I saw that his eyes were smiling.

"So are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" he asked. "And don't try to deny it. It's written on your face."

I had so many thoughts in my head that I didn't know where to start. I sighed and said, "Fine. Can you explain to me what happened today?"

"A lot of things happened today. For example, you were so jealous, that you couldn't control yourself" he teased.

"I didn't ask about that, you know." I could see that he was enjoying it. "I meant the cloud. But since you mentioned my power outburst, tell me, how will I be able to do the same thing in the Fold."

"Well, we can take Amanda with us" he said, but after seeing expression on my face he sighed and added. "Alina, we already had this conversation many times. You and your power are one. Don't deny it, don't be afraid of it. Today you felt how powerful you are, but that's not the limit. There is more. Embrace it and learn to control it."

He was right of course, but I didn't want him to know how scared of myself I was, so I decided to change the subject, "What about the cloud?"

"What about it?"

"Why did it appear?"

"I can give you a simple explanation, that it was an accident, or we can talk for hours about small science and different theories" he said, but I felt that he was lying.

"I saw Baghra's and Amanda's reaction. It was more that an accident, but if you don't want to tell me, fine. I will find out another way." I said and punched the piece of chicken on my plate with annoyance.

"If you want to occupy all your free time reading books in the library, I don't mind. But believe me, there are other things that you can enjoy doing" he replied.

"Talking about enjoying life" I said, "Genya invited me to go with her to the fair next week."

"And?"

"Well, I think it's a great idea. I would love to go" I said trying to put confidence in my voice. Then I noticed his expression and added in desperation, "I can't be locked here forever."

"You are not locked, Alina."

"But I can't go outside."

"It's for you own safety."

"And just a five minutes ago you were trying to convince me how powerful I am…" I retorted.

"Fine. I'll think about it" he said irritated. "Anything else your heart desires?"

I realized that I must have crossed the line. I stopped eating and looked up from my plate trying to see in his slate eyes if I was in trouble. Just because we spent the one night together, didn't meant that I could argue with one of the most powerful men in the country.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you angry" I said quietly.

"I'm not angry" he sighed, "Not at you anyway."

The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak, I heard his voice in my head.

We finished eating in silence and he went to fetch the servants to clean the table. I took my glass of wine and went to the window. It was the perfect time to get back to my room, but part of me wanted to be with him. He made me feel special and wanted. I have never felt wanted before.

Once the servants left he approached me and I turned around to look at him.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I had a difficult day" he cupped my face with his hand and gently traced my bottom lip with his thumb.

I looked in his eyes and saw how much he wanted me. His desire was so intense that I felt it on my skin. But at the same time I saw that he was trying to control it, to fight it. He didn't want to be weak because of me, I understood that.

But I didn't care.

I took a step forward and crushed my mouth to his. He didn't stop me. His mouth began to move hungrily along mine and my body melted in his arms. When he attacked my neck with his soft lips, I couldn't suppress a moan. My hands already removed his kefta and were working on the buttons of his shirt. He maneuvered us to the bed and pushed me down. I didn't have time to regain my breath, because the next moment he was on top of me, kissing me eagerly, as his hands were roaming my body.

Suddenly nothing else mattered, it was just me and him.

It didn't bother me at all that next morning I woke up alone. I got dressed and went to the bathroom to clean my face. When I finished and turned around, I saw the Darkling leaning against the door frame.

"Good morning" he said.

"Morning" I approached him slowly "Did I overslept breakfast?"

"No yet" he smiled and let me pass. "Come here, I'll show you the way out."

He led me to the small door that I hadn't noticed before and said, "Go to the right and take the third door. You will end up near the infirmary."

"Okay."

"You can come back here the same way" he paused. "Anytime you want."

I looked him the eyes and wondered if he really wanted me to come. And if he did, why? I was sure he saw both questions in my eyes, but he answered only one of them.

"I would like you to come" he whispered against my lips.

And I did.

Again and again I came back to him. Because I wanted to. Because I belonged there.

On the first evening I had a fight with myself, with the part of me that told me to be reasonable, but my unreasonable part won. I hesitated before opening the door to his room. I even thought about knocking, but stopped myself. As I entered and saw his smile, I knew that I made the right choice.

The evenings he was busy, I stayed on the couch and read the legends about the Sun Summoner. He told me that he hasn't read this book, so I retold him the legends I read and asked a lot of stupid questions.

To my surprise one morning when I opened my eyes I saw him. He was propped on his elbow next to me.

"Surprised?" he asked me.

"Free day?"

"Only a few hours" he moved closer and kissed me.

When he moved his lips to my neck I whispered in his ear "I like free mornings."

"Don't get used to it" he laughed.

To my disappointment he moved away from me and took something from his bedside table.

"I have something for you" he said. "Give me you hand."

I did and he put a bracelet on my wrist. On the thin black leather straps there were many small beads. Some of them we silver and others looked like small crystals. Then I noticed that his hand began to fill with darkness and without any warning he wrapped his hand around the bracelet. I gasped preparing myself for the pain, but it didn't come. The only thing I felt was as if my hand was put in the ice-cold water. But the moment he removed it the feeling disappeared.

I looked at the bracelet and saw something black swirling inside the crystals.

"What is it?"

"If you are in trouble, just wrap you hand around the bracelet and use your power" he said. "Once you do it, I will know that something is wrong."

"Does that mean that I am allowed to go to the fair?" I asked carefully.

"Yes, you can go" he said tracing my arm with his finger. "Just be careful."

"I…" I love you, I had to bite my lip to stop myself from saying it. Instead I swallowed and said "Thank you"

Yes, I loved him. I couldn't deny it anymore, but part of me was sure that one day he would break my heart.