If I Tell You I Love You
abandonfanship
chapter zero
Jealous Girls, Half-Baked Plans and Things We'll Never Say
Touko
Jealousy is an ugly thing.
She knows this, she does.
And, really, she's always looked down on those girls, the ones who glare and whine and cling. I mean, really. How anticlimactic.
But then Touko meets Yumi, and it turns out that Touko is the jealous type, too.
And it wasn't ever even about Sachiko-oneesama. That had just been a habit, one that she'd perpetuated when she saw how much it bothered the plain girl with the pigtails, the one Sachiko was always going on about, the one even Suguru, in all his fabulousness, seemed taken with. She'd perpetuated it because it had been entertaining—she'd never seen anything quite like the expression Yumi's face when Touko had burst into the Rose Mansion on Sachiko-onee-sama's arm.
And it had been fun, that business of tormenting Yumi—of pretending to steal her precious oneesama from her just to see those deliciously absurd emotions flashing across her face like the Times Square Jumbotron.
And she's not sure when it changed—she thinks maybe she prodded Yumi a little much, pushed her a little too far. Maybe she got a little too attached to that ever-changing face. Either way, at some point, whatever the case, it stopped being quite so fun to tease Yumi—to watch her face turn that truly incredible shade of red when Touko dangled Sachiko before her like a particularly strict, emotionally constipated marionette.
And soon after that, it wasn't just unentertaining—it was downright painful, and poor Touko just couldn't understand why. And, yes, okay, maybe she was being just a little bit thick at that point, but could you, in good conscience, blame her? She'd spent her entire life until that point clinging to things that were inevitably taken from her later—spent her entire life falling in love with people who just…left.
At least, she thinks, she's not as bad as Sachiko.
Except that she really, really is. Probably even worse, actually, because unlike Sachiko, Touko hasn't quite mastered that whole 'Ice Queen' charade just yet, and when she sees Yumi with somebody else (namely Sachiko or, Maria-sama forbid, the oaf, aka Hosokawa Kanako, aka 'that skank'), her face turns this angry shade of fuchsia and ninety percent of the time, she just can't stop herself from butting in and laying a less-than-subtle claim.
But at least she admits (and accepts) her own feelings, regardless of the cost. That's one thing (perhaps the only thing) she has to pit against Sachiko and her perfect hair and her perfect figure and perfect looks.
But really, she knows she'll never be able to compete (and win, at least) against those stormy, clouded blue eyes that shine like sapphire. She knows that Yumi will forever belong to the girl who found her (or, rather, scolded her) first—knows that it wouldn't matter even if she hadn't, because even if Touko had a lifetime of a head start, all Sachiko would have to do would be to walk in and look at Yumi with those (stupid) beautiful eyes and Yumi would be hers.
So it doesn't even make sense to be jealous, not really.
Not that said fact makes any difference, of course. Jealousy is hardly rational, and hard to suppress at the best of times. Needless to say, Touko, who grew up with Sachiko as a model, had a harder time of it to begin with, let alone when faced with the prospect of losing the only person she's ever truly loved (like that, at least) to the first person who ever truly loved her.
And Yumi does love her—even Touko isn't jaded enough to deny that. She isn't one of those sad, soppy girls with their whining and bitching about how their precious onee-samas don't love them.
It's just that…well…it's Yumi.
Yumi would love a cockroach if it gave her half a reason.
Touko has found that it's best not to dwell on this particular fact.
But where was she?
Right. Jealousy.
Apparently, at least according to all the books she's ever read, jealousy is a very ugly emotion. And Touko is quite sure that it's even uglier on her, a scrawny, bratty little charity case who's in love with the girl who's in love with a goddess. Thus, it infuriates her to absolutely no end when she can't stop her hands from forming tight fists in the pockets of her uniform whenever Sachiko touches Yumi—annoys her to a ridiculous extent when she can't stop herself from sulking when she catches Yumi preening beneath any little pet or praise bestowed upon her by her cousin (said annoyance is tenfold when she catches Noriko watching her with that stupid, pitying look, like she's a dog that got kicked into the rain or something, like Noriko's not pathetically smitten with her own onee-sama).
What bothers Touko the most, however, is when Yumi notices her silence and/or sulking and looks at her with that absolutely heart-wrenching mix of confusion and concern. Because really, Touko should have built up some form of resistance by now—after all, she's known Yumi for the better half of a year, and has been actively 'courted' by her for the majority of that time. It's just that…she hasn't. And that scares her. It scares her more than the prospect of losing Sachiko ever had (which makes her first few weeks at Lillian seem so trivial by comparison that she kind of wants to curl into a ball and die of embarrassment), and Touko doesn't like being scared.
Like Sachiko, she likes being in control.
Like Sachiko, she's terrified of relying on anyone else for anything.
Like Sachiko, she is, despite any attempts to imply otherwise, quite a jealous person, a trait which has been fed by years of give and take—years of love and loss.
Unlike Sachiko, however, she isn't quite so good at hiding it.
And unlike Sachiko, Touko isn't Ogasawara Sachiko, which may just be the biggest obstacle keeping her forever just a hairsbreadth away from the one thing she wants more than anything she's ever wanted before; the one thing she's ever truly needed.
Yumi-sama.
Jealousy is just such an ugly emotion.
And it's not like Touko doesn't know this already.
It doesn't even make sense to be jealous, because as long as she continues to be her and continues not to be Sachiko, she never had a chance anyway.
And really, the more jealous she gets, the uglier she becomes—at least, according to all the books the tutors have shoved down her throat all these years.
Touko feels like she's got to be the ugliest girl in the world if that really is the case, but it bothers her much less than it should.
Because what does it matter, whether she's ugly or pretty or somewhere in between, when she'll always be just a tiny bit plainer than Sachiko, with her stupid blue eyes and her stupid ebony hair and her stupid Mona Lisa smile that captured Yumi's heart?
Noriko
Shimako is pretty.
Like, stupidly pretty. Blindingly pretty, even. She is, perhaps, the only girl in the world who could stand shoulder to shoulder with Ogasawara Sachiko and come out with her head held high (though perhaps such brazenly contradictory types of beauty ought not to be compared in the first place).
Still, she doesn't act like a pretty girl. She isn't haughty or bitchy (coughSachikocough) or vain—instead, she's reserved, soft-spoken, and maybe just a little bit strange.
Sometimes (rarely, hardly ever, but sometimes), Noriko finds herself almost sort-of wishing she acted just a little bit prettier, because that would just make everything so much easier.
Because pretty girls can be just so ugly, and Noriko is absolutely certain that she'd never find herself in the compromising situation she's found herself in, were Shimako just a little bit more of a cliché.
Wishful thinking, of course, never got anybody anywhere.
The reality of the situation is that Noriko, much like her best friend (and occasional partner in crime), Touko, has found herself utterly, inexplicably in love with her onee-sama.
Of course, there is that added factor of Shimako's lifelong dream of becoming a very Catholic, very celibate nun. That's kind of a bitch.
Still, Noriko is grateful that, regardless of whether her feelings will ever be returned, she is the only one in Shimako's eyes. While Yumi's willingness to let just about anyone and everyone (including stalkers like 'the oaf', as Touko so delicately nicknamed Hosokawa Kanako) into her heart was endearing and, admittedly, one of her most loveable and defining traits, Noriko can't imagine what it would feel like if Shimako were the same. Unlike Touko, Noriko is not a particularly jealous person—still, the thought of Shimako being taken from her by some faceless, unnamed rival is enough to set her blood boiling.
Which is, in turn, enough to arouse Shimako's 'onee-sama' senses, and Noriko has to spend the next half-hour (and only that short a time because classes would otherwise have gotten in the way) convincing the brunette that yes, she is, in fact, fine, that she just woke up with a bit of a headache. Which is apparently the wrong thing to say, because the next thing she knows, Shimako's cool, gentle hand has found its way to her forehead, making Noriko flush deeply enough that she's halfway convinced she is running a fever. Still, Shimako pulls away after a moment, seemingly satiated, only to draw even closer and pull Noriko into a surprisingly firm hug that seems to last forever and ends a moment too soon. Noriko feels long, gentle fingers running through her hair as Shimako stands, positioning herself immediately beside her petite soeur, close enough so that the younger girl can feel her leg pressing against her arm through the cloth of their uniforms. Another minute of this and Noriko decides she won't be able to stand it much longer without actually leaning against Shimako and allowing the sensation to completely envelope her, so she leaps to her feet, only startling Shimako a little bit (it would seem as though the latter has become accustomed to Noriko's spontaneity to some degree), and excuses herself, claiming late to class.
Touko smirks at her as she hurries out.
Noriko waits until the older girls aren't looking and shoots Touko the finger around the strap of her bookbag.
Because Touko really is infuriating sometimes—after all, she's the last person who should be making fun of Noriko's predicament, her own situation being, if possible, even more pitiable. Being in love with Yumi…Noriko can't imagine having to share Shimako, let alone having to compete for her with a person who holds a permanent lease on more than (roughly) seventy percent of her heart. Still, Noriko does see the way Yumi looks at Touko when the latter is in one of her moods, and she can't help but be just a little bit jealous.
Because, really, it isn't like Touko doesn't have a chance. It's not as though Yumi's going to join the freaking convent immediately following graduation, or anything like that.
Noriko shakes the bitter thoughts from her head. She's done so well at being supportive up until this point, so much so that even perceptive Shimako is completely oblivious to even the slightest inkling of Noriko's true feelings. That shouldn't stop now. It can't.
Still, Noriko can't help but wonder whether there's just the slightest possibility—there has to be, right? Something about the law of something-or-other…she heard it on the History Channel. Basically, where there's a situation, there's at least some infinitesimal probability that it may happen. And it isn't as if Noriko would be hurting anyone if she just did a little test—if Shimako really did love her in a purely platonic sense, it wouldn't bother her if Noriko were to date somebody else, and it might even help Noriko to get over these ridiculous feelings of hers.
And if it did bother Shimako…
Well, they'd go from there.
But that, Noriko thinks, is highly unlikely. This is just an experiment—just a last-ditch solution that will provide her with the closure she so desperately needs. And now all she needs to do is sit back and watch.
Also find a boyfriend. Or girlfriend.
Oh, or both. Hehe.
Despite her inner amusement, she huffs, shoulders slumping slightly. This whole scheme is starting to seem like more and more effort the longer she thinks on it.
She wonders if she can get Touko to help out as a co-conspirator, then immediately decides to save that thought for later, because Maria only knows what Touko would want in return.
"This is gonna be fun."
"Watch it, Sei," a pretty brunette, dressed in business-casual attire, hums from the blonde's right, following her gaze to the group of girls walking down the path (walking, not running, so as not to disturb the pleats in their skirts…), and to two subgroups in particular. "Don't push it."
"When have I ever pushed anything, Youko?"
The brunette, Youko, doesn't even bother to roll her eyes, instead folding her arms loosely across her chest and leaning back against the wall where the two were standing near the front gates. "They don't need interference."
The blonde, Sei, snorts, decidedly unladylike. "And I bet it's just killing you, huh?"
Youko's lips twitch upwards just slightly, effecting just the smallest hint of an enigmatic (and more than a little bit amused) smile. "I wonder," she murmurs in place of an answer, dark eyes following the girls even as she begins to spot the recognition on their faces. She pushes gracefully off from the wall with one heeled boot, leaving the blonde staring after her, half in confusion, half in admiration.
Then a pig-tailed brunette pops out from behind a raven-haired beauty, and the somewhat deep expression instantly switches to one of a perverted old man as she tromps over to the girl, throwing her arms around her and nearly sending them both toppling to the ground.
"Yu-mi-channn!"
She continues to 'cuddle' the squawking brunette up until she is sharply reprimanded by the raven-haired beauty from behind which the girl had initially appeared (and is simultaneously whacked over the head with what feels like a nine-iron, but is, in reality, the book bag of a rather disagreeable brunette with drill-like hair—"Sorry, didn't see you there, Sei-sama!"). Drawing back and allowing the girl to reclaim her soeur, Sei watches Touko carefully, though she needn't have bothered, given how plainly the girl's emotions were scribbled across her face. She was rapidly turning a very unhealthy shade of crimson, her hands clenching the strap of her book bag as if it were her lifeline.
Out of the corner of her eye, Sei notices another spectator—one who had not-so-subtly drawn closer to the beautiful brunette accompanying her at first sight of the mischievous blonde. Shimako, for her part, doesn't seem to mind at all, though she's gradually reddening, a distant counterpart to Touko's own fire-breathing dragon impression. Still, Sei doesn't miss the dark eyes boring into the side of her head, nor does she miss the barely-there, blink-and-you'll-miss-it flicker of insecurity in those same eyes.
She steps back, allowing Youko to take over the niceties (that's never been Sei's style, anyway) and continuing to survey the group before her. They haven't made much progress since she's been away, but that's okay—she's been expecting that. In fact, she's somewhat glad that they've remained so trapped by their own feelings—this whole situation would be unbelievably boring had they managed to do something about all that stifling UST. But this…this would be fun.
Maybe she should give Eriko a call…
A/N: So, on a scale of suck to fracktastic, how was it? No, kidding. Seriously, though, leave a review if you liked and want me to continue! I love this fandom, and I hate that it's totally dying. One little sidenote- I posted a prologue similar to this on another account at one point, in case parts of it sound familiar (it should be relatively different, though, given how long it's been). Anyway, if you want me to continue, PLEASE drop a review! Pairings at this point are up in the air, although I would say definitely expect canon (fanon?) from most- I'm not sure what to do with those Chinesis...es...yet, so feel free to give me your opinion! Also, the story is NOT going to be in present tense, or in this weird writing style- this is just the way I usually write prologues! I'm trying to come off writer's block, so please bear with me!
I think that's all for now, so...I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to let me know what kind of pairings/situations you want to see! You never know what'll get me all raring to write :P
Even if you don't have any particular suggestions, please do review- my reviewers always mean a lot to me motivation-wise, and I'd like to see if I can get this fandom started up just a little bit once again! :)