A/N: Because tumblr. This is pretty much outright parody, so it borders a bit on absurd, and I do actually headcanon Tyzula as taking place during canon, buuut I couldn't resist.

The ballad of Princess Azula's fingernails begins on a hot summer's night while Katara and Sokka are awkwardly sitting on the sidelines of a Fire Nation party as they open the Water Tribe Embassy. It is a new story, still, although ten years have passed since the end of the war, but none now live who remember it, all the same.

"Is it... racist if I ask why Fire Nation people all have such nice nails?" Katara whispers to Sokka and he just shrugs. "No, it's true. Even Zuko. Have you seen Zuko's fingernails? They're beautiful."

Sokka picks at his lip and examines the crowd, now suddenly extremely aware of the perfectly manicured hands of everyone attending. He looks at his own gnarled fingernails with something vaguely yellow stuck beneath them and he frowns.

"Zuko," Sokka hisses as the Fire Lord drifts past with an expression on his face of utter terror. He seems to be hiding from someone. "Zuko, can I see your nails?"

The Fire Lord cocks an eyebrow before holding out his hands, supposing it cannot hurt. Katara points with her jaw agape and her eyebrows up.

"See, see, see!" she exclaims and Zuko glances between them, bewildered. "Zuko, I'm not afraid of you thinking I'm racist. Are Fire Nation people born with impeccable nails or do you all just have really good manicurists?"

Zuko examines his own hands as Sokka speaks up with, "Do you get your nails done?"

"Do you not?" is all Zuko can answer, quite stunned. Katara and Sokka both shake their heads and Zuko glances between them. "I've never met someone who didn't..."

Katara just shrugs and returns to her glass of dark red wine as Sokka still looks at Zuko's outstretched hands.

"I want that," Sokka says and Katara snorts. "What? His nails look very manly! But so smooth and shiny."

"You should get those dragon empress nails like Mai and Azula," Katara remarks scathingly, holding out her hands pointedly. "Now those are manly. You could stab a guy's eye out, easily."

Zuko narrows his eyes, knowing that not a day goes by in which he is not baffled by Katara.

Sokka bristles at that inexplicably and says, "Mai has a lot of other things to stab people with, and Azula cut hers."

"Hmmm," Katara says quietly and Sokka squints at how Zuko exchanges a glance with her. "Why didn't we think of that, Zuko?"

"Think of what? That jabbing a guy's eyes out with your fingernails isn't a very honorable method of battle," Sokka flounders and Katara and Zuko just stare at each other knowingly. He hates being left out and it shows.

Zuko sits down, glancing over his shoulder once before turning to Sokka. "Should I explain?" he asks Katara and Katara nods. "Alright, a few weeks ago Azula started acting strangely. My first thought was that she was plotting to usurp me or something else dangerous. Katara says she's acting like she's in a relationship─"

"People being laid are much more pleasant and less likely to attempt murder," Katara interjects and Sokka just looks confused. "So, don't freak out yet, Sokka."

"But she broke up with Ty Lee six or seven months ago, and she says she's not dating anyone when I asked her," Zuko says, reveling slightly in his newfound ability to expose his sister in a lie at last.

"How could they secretly be dating?" Katara admits, despite her hopes that she and Zuko's detective work was coming to a close. "Ty Lee can't keep secrets for the life of her."

"She could be dating someone else. Are you dating her, Katara?" Zuko asks and Katara makes a face of utter disgust, then a face of contemplation and then, at last, shrugs indifferently. Neither Zuko nor Sokka know what to make of that.

"I'll ask Suki!" Sokka says, his cobalt eyes lighting up. "Can I join your investigation? I did solve a variety of mysteries in my time..."

Sokka and Katara are on their way to interrogate their first witness ─ Suki. If Ty Lee were to blurt out her feelings to anyone, it would be her. Katara, Zuko and Sokka, Ty Lee is far less likely to tell.

Suki is in a conversation that she looks like she desperately wants to escape with a much older man who is hitting on her. She seizes Sokka's arm and suddenly the man takes a step back. Sokka tries not to feel too proud.

"We wanted to ask you something," Sokka says in a tone that makes Katara grimace, Zuko sigh and Suki cock an eyebrow. "Has, uh, Ty Lee said anything strangely lately?"

"Uh, she told me that my headaches were probably caused by the alignment of some... space... thing? The other day she asked me if our roosters laid the same eggs as chickens... I mean, you have to be more specific," Suki says as Katara stifles her laughter.

"Specific like dating somebody," Sokka says, narrowing his cobalt eyes. Suki squints at him.

"The names just blur together at this point," Suki says with a shrug. "It's not really any of your business, as much as I hate to say it. I would ask Mai; Ty Lee has somehow even less of a filter on her speech when she talks to her."

Sokka pats Suki on the back when she leans in for a kiss, leaving her utterly baffled, and he, an apologizing Zuko, and a way too excited Katara are on their way to locate Mai.

"We should take bets," Katara suggests overeagerly and Sokka snorts before she punches his shoulder.

"You don't do this kind of thing much, do you?" Zuko asks and Katara purses her lips.

"I'm so betting it's Ty Lee," Katara says and Zuko shakes his head. "Why not? I mean, you could see it ten miles away. I mean, she kind of struck me as probably having sex with both of them when not burning innocents to death for her pleasure..."

"... you really don't do this much, do you?" Zuko repeats as Sokka chortles.

"So, where's Mai, anyway?" Katara sighs as they wind up in the extravagant hallway of the noble's house.

"Probably in a bathroom or closet," Zuko says earnestly and Katara and Sokka are unsure if they should laugh. "She doesn't really like parties."

As they begin trying to subtly investigate the bathrooms and closets (as subtly as the Fire Lord and two famed foreigners can manage), Sokka decides he needs a little more information. It is probably going to be him who solves the mystery in the end, and tagging along with Zuko and Katara ─ as smart as they are and as much as he likes them ─ isn't going to get him anywhere.

"What kind of weird behavior?" Sokka asks as he pretends to be putting a coat in a closet as a couple walks by holding hands.

"Less snarky... or maybe more snarky. More happy to be snarky. She has had her hair brushed every day for two months and─"

"Which means, Sokka," Katara interrupts, knowing Zuko is going to start rambling, "she's, one, much more willing to deal with people because there's someone she's happy to have social interactions with, two, getting her hair done means she has someone to look pretty for, and three, she clipped her nails."

"Is that something people are... into?" Sokka asks, understanding why Azula having her hair done and looking nice would be involved with romance; Sokka certainly ups his assets when he is visiting Suki. "I've never even looked at a girl's nails unless they were threatening to jab out my eyes. Oh, is it a Fire Nation thing and that's why you all have such nails? That's your standard of beauty?"

Katara looks at her feet and Zuko rubs his neck.

"Yeah," Zuko finally says, not wanting to explain this and seeing Katara has no desire to either. "It's a Fire Nation thing. We're really into fingernails."

"Ehh, I respect your culture. Don't get it though," Sokka says with a shrug as they knock on the door of the fifth bathroom. "Sorry to bother you but we're looking for Mai?"

"Mai who?" asks the woman inside.

"Uh, Zuko's girlfriend," Sokka replies, scratching his head.

"She's just Zuko's girlfriend? That's it. Not Mai who has completely kicked my ass before or, uh, maybe Mai who saved me from being broiled alive, or Mai, who actually has a really great personality once you get to know her and a really great set of─"

"Please open the door," Zuko says, his face pressed against the wood.

"Yeah, fine, whatever," Mai replies, opening it. "Are we leaving yet?"

"No. Actually, we're─"

"On a very important investigation," Sokka interjects, and Zuko admires his ability to get into character. "And you happen to be a key witness."

"I refuse to say more without a lawyer present. Also my boyfriend is the Fire Lord. I saw nothing," Mai replies flatly and Katara laughs awkwardly before realizing that no one else is. Damn she can never get it with Mai.

"We want to ask you about Ty Lee?"

"Is she pregnant or something?" Mai asks, glancing between them.

"So, she doesn't inform you of her... darker dealings?" Sokka leans in the arch of the bathroom and Mai just stares blankly at him.

"No. Ty Lee loves to tell everyone everything except about herself," Mai says calmly and Katara and Zuko both exchange a glance. "The only people she tells about herself are the people who do her hair, nails and other feminine things. Honestly, if just one high class manicurist in this city decided to sell their information, they would be very, very rich. Probably more lucrative than filing nails into points."

Katara squints at Mai's nails. "Oh, I like the red. It's less... uhm..."

"Shhh. Zuko, I'm leaving. I'll be at your house, in your bed probably," Mai says before brushing past him. And she turns on her heel. "But you all saw that I was here and I stayed for over an hour. Remind him of that, Katara."

"Will do," Katara replies with a mocking salute. "So, do we go back to the party or go track down whoever does Ty Lee's hair and make-up?"

Sokka then cocks an eyebrow. "Well, I don't think we can find that so easily," he admits with a sigh.

"Katara," Zuko says, seizing her hand and making her jump. "She's in the party somewhere. Tell her that her hair looks really nice and ask her who did it for her."

Katara shrugs. "Sexist suggestion, but also probably would work. Let's."

And ten minutes of sweaty searching later, Katara, Zuko and Sokka bump into Aang, who has just escaped a lengthy display of his airbending.

"Where's Ty Lee?" Katara asks her boyfriend and he looks at her for a moment.

"Oh, she left twenty or thirty minutes ago. Said it was 'boring and forever-taking' I think." Aang smiles in response before someone calls out to talk to him, and he is on his way.

"Where's she staying?" Katara inquires, looking Zuko up and down.

"Embassies?" Zuko suggests. "I guess we're, uh, going to the embassies then."

Katara pauses and wonders if this is out of hand, and perhaps they should behave more like adults. But then she glances at the sweltering, boring party, and follows Zuko and Sokka out.

Twelve Years Ago...

"Look at that. I think there's still, uh, seashell under there somewhere," Azula mutters to herself. She then looks at her toenails and cringes slightly.

Ty Lee laughs and Azula glares at her. "You could climb trees with those."

"I've been told they looked more in place in a circus, by my father once when I went without having them done after breaking my foot," Azula says, realizing her toenails are even worse.

"That would be one boring circus," Ty Lee remarks gleefully with another guffaw and Azula breathes in slowly and wonders why she is so attracted to this girl. "I could think of like ten way more interesting things about you to put in a circus."

"I'm pretty sure it was an insult," Azula says quietly and Ty Lee just shrugs. "I'm not thrilled about this prospect."

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to," Ty Lee says genuinely and Azula rolls her eyes.

"I know. I don't have to do anything if I don't want to, but there are things I want that I must do things I don't want to do in order to get them. It's really, often, a matter of weighing if the outcome is worth the suffering. I have that luxury as both a princess and a genius... as well as the luxury of such beautiful nails."

"Am I worth the suffering?" Ty Lee whispers, batting her eyelashes. Azula averts her eyes and looks as disinterested as possible.

Azula just shrugs. "What I want from you, is worth the mild suffering," and she turns to the manicurist, who is listening far too intently to a conversation that no one should be hearing. "If I look any less, uh, what was your ridiculous word for it─?"

"Terrorousing!" Ty Lee squeals and Azula tenses her muscles to keep from burning her face. Not that loud.

"Yes, I want to look terrorousing," Azula says, her eyes boring into the young woman. "And if I don't..."

There is a pause. Ty Lee asks, so innocently that Azula is sadly certain she is not joking, "If you don't what? What will happen if you don't?"

Azula looks at her. "I was leaving the consequences up to her imagination. The fact that they would be terrible is simply implied."

Ty Lee grins and, glances around at the wide, mostly empty room, surrounding by the gentle sound of flowing water and the motions of the best manicurist in the entire Fire Nation; the one whom Ty Lee outright demanded, because if anyone could convince Azula that it looked better, it would be someone lauded as so great. And then, certain they are fairly alone, she kisses Azula on the lips.

And the princess begrudgingly likes it.

The embassies are empty, everyone at the party. Sokka walks decisively to the desk, in which a bored, teenage manager is half asleep.
"Did you see someone come in within the last hour?" Sokka inquires, his deep voice startling the teen more than he intended to.

"Uh, you did," the boy replies and Sokka suppresses a groan of frustration.

"She's not here!" Sokka shouts and Zuko and Katara study each other.

"Palace?" Katara suggests and Zuko nods.

"Yeah. Even if she's not there we can all just go to sleep," Zuko sighs and Katara jabs him with one finger. "What?"

"You know that this is fun. Running around collecting clues instead of being politicians," Katara says with a devious grin. "The look on your sister's face when we expose her..."

"I do want to see that look," Zuko admits.

But he did not mean to expose her like this. Expose is the wrong word because she is so literally exposed and Zuko has seen more of her than he ever wanted to. He slams the door shut as Katara and Sokka can only stare blankly, agape.

"Well, there's our answer," Katara squeaks as Sokka is still staring at the closed door. "They're going to be so pissed."

"Should we run?" Zuko asks and Katara nods.

They start to leave the hallway, and Katara doubles back to grab Sokka's arm, as he seems to be entirely immobile. Escaping the living quarters is almost as fun as solving the puzzles was, although Katara is a bit sad they never got to interrogate a Fire Nation manicurist, and instead, wound up walking on two people doing each other.

She looks at Zuko and Sokka.

"Well, mystery solved," she says as Zuko stares with his brow knit at the floor and Sokka's lips are still slightly parted. "What? Were you not expecting that?"

"Were you?" is all Zuko can reply.

Katara shrugs.

There is a long silence before someone walks in and they all jump. Mai, it's just Mai. The air is not static and there are no fists flying.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" she asks and Katara thinks she might be joking, but she does not laugh this time.

"Unfortunately, yes," Zuko says, clearing his throat. "And it was definitely an invasion of Azula's privacy to─"

"Walk in on her fucking her secret girlfriend? We've all been there, Zuko. You'll live," Mai replies with a shrug and Katara is unsure what to say. "You all look like you just saw a puppy-fox get killed."

None of them respond.

More uncomfortable silence before Sokka gasps and Zuko and Katara jump.

He declares, his eyes wide with realization, "That's... that's why she cut her nails!"

AN: Again, this is all ridiculous absurd. I actually really like writing angsty, sensual pieces, but I couldn't resist the Azula's-Nails thing.