Regret. It's a difficult feeling to experience. Particularly when to get to a clearer, better place in life you need to first experience a great loss and upset. You know deep in your heart that to get to the person you are and will become, you need to have experienced that pain, but also you wish you hadn't needed to due to the circumstances that were left in its wake.
It's been two months since you last saw him. Several weeks of grueling contemplation and overthinking finally struck you with the epiphany you needed to have. It's a horrible thing to realise you weren't who you thought you were, but at the same time, empowering; there is a better sense of control over your personality and your actions, and you no longer have an overwhelming urge to control everything else around you. Finally, you understand. It's the simple fact that you may be too late that kills you.
You're not sure what you miss the most; his gorgeous smile, his enchanting laughter or just the way he looked at you. The way you were his world and for a long time he was your rock, standing by you until eventually your pushing him away shoved him off the edge.
In a way you can't hate your past because it made you a stronger person, but it also made you untrusting and disbelieving. His words of comfort and love felt too good to be true and at the time they weren't; your clouded vision was merely too fogged to see the reality. He loved you.
You swear to yourself that you will learn from this, so even if he doesn't return to you, at least you will be the woman you damn well deserve to be and that you will be. And if he doesn't seize the benefit of that, another man will. The one who chooses you is the one who deserves you at your best, your strongest and your wisest.
You know you still want him in your life, but you realise that if he is not your partner that makes things difficult, because being friends would be impossible. You're worried you'll melt into his gorgeous eyes and fall in love with him all over again, his hair will catch your gaze and you'll want to run your hands through it whilst you caress your lips with his own. You still see why you fell in love with him; that aspect of your vision isn't veiled.
You don't know what the future holds, or whether he'll be in it, but if he's the man you deserve and fell for in the first place, he'll come back.
A/N: I wrote this about a month or so ago, a lot has happened since then but I thought I may as well post it. Sorry if this update was rubbish, it was just something I needed to get out. It's hard to realise you're not important to someone anymore, but I know someone else will love me and my flaws. Everyone makes mistakes, I've made mine and I've learnt from them. And yes I have flaws but I'm also a great, loving person. Actually, that may well be a flaw because it means I take a lot of crap from people that don't really deserve my attention haha. It sucks that I've lost my best friend, but I did all I could and it wasn't enough, so I can't do anything else now. I will miss him reading my stories, he was actually who encouraged me to post my stuff in the first place, and I'm glad he did because writing makes me feel a lot better about things. I'll miss him a lot, but I can't do anything now. Anyway, sorry if this was mega depressing, I'm hoping to get some new stories out soon so keep an eye out for those :)