When a Heart Breaks
Songfic – Breakeven by The Script
Authors Note: This story is a little bit AU in the sense that Lorelai and Luke have not spoken since the night of the ultimatum, the rest should be explained within!
Disclaimer: It's all made up and the points don't matter. I borrowed a little bit of dialogue from The Long Morrow, but it's in different context.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even
In the fourteen days that passed since the ultimatum, Luke tried his hardest to fill his time as if nothing had ever happened. He reverted to the days before he'd met Lorelai Gilmore, before she became his fiancée, his girlfriend, or even his friend. He pretended she had never existed in his world.
But that was just for show.
In the diner, he took orders, filled coffee, flipped burgers and forced his usual monosyllabic small talk.
He was friendly to Lane, who always seemed to look at him with sad, knowing eyes.
He was cordial to his long-time employee, Caesar, who though he never said anything to the effect, always seemed to enjoy the increase in hours and pay when Luke was going through a hard time and was less active in his daily duties.
He was even kind to Babette and Patty, who had been coming into the diner at least twice a day, waiting for the meltdown everyone had been expecting from Luke. Really, just waiting for Luke to show any sort of emotion at all. But, he never did.
Every night when he closed the diner, he ascended the narrow stairs two at a time, grabbed a cold beer from his fridge and sat in his favorite armchair. He took exactly two swigs of his beer, placed it on the coffee table in front of him, took his head in his hands and did something that before Lorelai, he rarely did. He cried.
He cried because she betrayed him that night. He cried because he'd overheard a conversation in the market, where two townies had said that Lorelai and Christopher had rekindled their relationship that night. He cried because his heart was broken.
And after a few minutes, he pulled himself together, finished his beer in one gulp, took a cold shower and went to bed.
Her best days were some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no
He lied awake most nights because everything reminded him of her. He still slept on "his side" of the queen-sized bed he'd bought for them to share. He'd since moved the small television set he'd bought for her into the closet, as even that reminded him of her.
A couple of times, when he did fall asleep, he didn't set an alarm in an attempt to sleep in. On those days, he was immediately awoken by the smell of freshly brewed coffee from downstairs. It was the first thing Caesar did when he opened the diner in the morning. That reminded him of her the most. On days when that happened, he'd often considered starting his day the same way he ended the one before, with a beer. But he never did. He was Luke Danes, after all. All predictable flannel, two-day stubble and responsibility. Instead, he drank a glass of orange juice and went to work.
On this particular day, two weeks following the ultimatum, Luke rose from his too big bed and dressed for the day as usual, but instead of throwing on his jeans and trademarked flannel, he reached for a grey Henley shirt he'd never seen before and walked over to his nightstand. He took his favorite blue baseball cap in his hands, took a breath, walked back over to his closet and placed the hat on the top shelf. He then grabbed a black one with a snap back enclosure that he hadn't seen in years. He hadn't worn it since long before Lorelai had given him his favorite blue one for Christmas in 2000. He placed the black hat on his head.
When he walked downstairs into the diner, there was a decent sized crowd, but Lane and Caesar had it covered. Each of them bid good morning to their boss before going back to their duties. Luke fell right into step with them, filling coffees, chatting idly with everyone. He even cracked a smile once. If she was going to move on, as he thought she did, he could at least pretend he was okay.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
Meanwhile, Lorelai walked through the town square on her way to work. She'd stopped at Weston's for a cup of sub-par coffee and a Danish, and now made her way through the town square. Her eyes were still red, the dark circles under them told a sad story of more than a few sleepless nights and she wore her hair in a low ponytail, an effortless style.
She had been running on autopilot for the last fourteen days and each day when she crossed the square with her crappy coffee from Weston's, she looked through the gazebo into the diner.
Some days, all she saw was Lane and Caesar hustling around the breakfast rush. On those days, she walked with purpose to the Dragonfly and went about her day. On other days, she would peer into the window from afar and catch a glimpse of Luke.
Today, though, she saw Luke, fresh-shaven in his grey Henley shirt that she'd purchased without telling him, wearing a hat she recognized from the back of his closet. Today, she turned on her heel, threw her lackluster coffee in the nearest trashcan and went home.
Days like today reminded her of what a horrible mistake she'd made. Days like today made her want to crawl into a DeLorean and rev the engine up to eighty-eight miles per hour. She wanted desperately to go back in time. Days like today made her regret the very moment she gave him that ultimatum.
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even... no
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I'm falling to pieces…
When Lorelai reached the crap shack, that didn't seem so crappy anymore (thanks the renovations, Luke suggested and carried out) she let out a huge sigh of relief. She gave Paul Anka a quick pet before climbing the stairs to her bedroom, their bedroom. She didn't bother undressing before she got into bed. She reached onto the nightstand and picked up the phone.
"Hey, mom! Shouldn't you be at the inn?" Rory answered, concerned.
"I just maybe need a couple more days of wallowing, sweetie." She choked back a sob and regained her composure. "I'm sorry, hon. I know you're busy, I'll let you go. I'm fine, really."
"Mom, do you need me to come home? We can order from Al's and watch movies and wallow if that's what you need." Rory's heart broke for her mother; she had never seen the woman she built up as so strong, come tumbling down so hard. This was worse than the first time Lorelai and Luke split up, by a landslide. "I don't mind," She continued. "I can be there in thirty minutes."
"No, no, no. You stay put. You have other things to worry about. I'm being ridiculous. I'm golden. I'll stay home today, eat some ice cream and be fine for tomorrow. No worries, babe. I'll talk to you later."
"Hey mom?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't call dad, okay? It may seem like a good idea now, but it isn't. Deep down you know that."
"I know."
"Call me again later if you need anything at all."
"I will, later hon."
They both hung up and Lorelai continued to lay motionless. After a while, she shot a text to Sookie and Michel explaining that she wouldn't, no couldn't, come in to work today. Need another day. She said, Sorry. They both understood.
Even Michel replied, Take all the time you need. Lorelai was grateful.
That day she spent what felt like eternity staring up at her ceiling. After several bouts of tears, she shook off the sadness and picked up her phone again. She was suddenly furious. She dialed the all too familiar number.
"Luke's," he answered, calmly. No inflection, no emotion, almost as if the sound were programmed into a computer.
"How are you doing it?" She asked.
"Who is this?"
"Who is this? Really? It's me, Luke. How the hell are you doing it?" She shouted, growing more fiercely angry with every syllable.
"Lorelai? How am I doing what?" He was genuinely confused, and sounded it.
She was so mad she didn't notice the way his voice cracked when he said her name, or the hurt in his voice when he spoke to her. "How do you wake up in the morning and go about your day like nothing ever happened? It's been two weeks, Luke; we were together for more than two years. We were friends for eight years before that! I don't understand how you can wake up every morning with a smile on your face and go about your day, business as usual? What the hell is that about?"
"You've got to be kidding me." He replied, exasperated.
Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
'Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.
"I'm not kidding, Luke. I don't get it. Two weeks ago, we were engaged and now you're traipsing around the diner like… like, frankly, like you don't give a damn."
"Like I don't give a damn?" Luke looked around, becoming acutely aware of his surroundings. The lunch rush was whizzing around him, and suddenly all eyes were on him. "Where are you?" He brought his voice down.
"Excuse me?"
"I am not going to stand here in the middle of the diner and argue with you over the phone. Where are you? Are you at home?"
"Yes." She said.
"I'll be right over." He slammed down the receiver and grabbed the keys to his truck.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break...
No, it don't break
No, it don't break even
The whole drive to Lorelai's house Luke thought about what he would say to her. He carefully considered each syllable until he reached the front door. He knocked on the door, something he hadn't had to do in almost a year, as after they'd gone through renovations, she assured him that it was his house, too. Lorelai appeared quickly, and let him inside.
"So, you want to know how I'm doing it, huh?" Luke said as he rushed passed her, into the living room. He placed his hands on his hips and began to pace in front of the coffee table.
Lorelai sat on the couch and watched him, when she had called him earlier, she didn't expect to see him. She didn't prepare herself for the rush of emotions that would hit her as soon as she let him inside the house, smelling his intoxicating scent of aftershave and coffee. So, she stayed silent, battling the emotions in her head.
"I don't do it, Lorelai. I'm goddamn miserable. I'm just running through the motions, you know." He took a breath and stopped pacing. "A car ran into my diner two weeks ago. That Saturday morning, after you… after we… Anyway, it was a disaster. I didn't care. I mean—I cared, but… Anyway it's fixed now and I still don't care. It's like it wasn't even real to me, Lorelai. It's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there, you're in it, I'm sharing it with you."
She didn't say anything back. The conversation she thought they were going to have and the words he was saying to her were not at all one in the same.
"I'm sorry, Lorelai. I was scared when you came to me that night, I was terrified and I am the kind of guy who has to process things. I didn't have even a second to process what was going on, and then the next day… I'm in Doose's and there are two people—who I don't think I've ever even seen before—talking about how you'd gotten back together with Christopher. I just stood there like an idiot in the middle of the market, thinking…. I thought were going to be okay. We had a fight, I let you walk away to cool down and boy was I wrong. You went to him, Lorelai and I didn't even have a chance."
Finally, she interrupted, "I didn't go to him, Luke."
"What?"
"That night, after our fight, I went to the last place you'd look for me. Honestly, I wasn't even sure you were going to look for me, but I didn't want to be found. I went to my parent's house. I told my mom earlier that week about the issues we'd been having, and it just made sense at the time, though now it seems absolutely asinine. When I got home the next morning, Babette was in my kitchen, feeding Paul Anka and I guess some people had seen us fighting. Anyway, she kept bugging me about how everything was going to be fine between us; she said we just needed to cool off. I was done, Luke. I was so done. So I told her that I went to Chris's. I didn't want people talking, and Chris came with Rory and I to Lane's wedding, so the continuity was there. But it wasn't true."
"You didn't spend the night with him?"
"No."
"You haven't spoken to him since we've been apart?"
"He's called. We've talked. He's not what I want."
"What do you want, Lorelai?" Luke asked, after a moment.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
"You know the answer to that, Luke."
"I don't, Lorelai, I don't know the answer. But I'll tell you this: I want you. I choose you. You were right, I need to be faster, think faster, and move faster. Here I am, lightening speed. I'm here and I want you." He paused, taking his uncomfortable hat off of his head and running his hands through his hair. "If you don't want me, Lorelai, you have to tell me now because I can't doing this. If I need to move on, say the word."
"I don't want to be done, Luke. I want a fresh start; I want to meet your kid, to know her… I want you. God, I want you." Tears welled up in her eyes again, "But I need to know that you aren't going to compartmentalize me again. I love you, Luke, but I need to know that you love me, too. I need to hear it sometimes."
"I love you, Lorelai. I'm in this. I am all in."
Luke took Lorelai's hands and pulled her up so they were face to face. His right hand moved swiftly to her hip, and his left to her cheek. He wiped a stray tear with his thumb as he pulled her into a kiss. She immediately responded by wrapping her arms around him, as if no time had passed at all.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in…
Thanks for reading to the end; reviews are always appreciated!