A/N: Thank you, NinjaChipmunk, for letting me know about the issue with reading the chapters! Hopefully you can read them easier now :)

Let me get this straight. I loved Jiraiya more than I thought was healthy. I loved the idea of marrying him. I didn't love the idea that he was doing this for some loophole that would let me back into Konoha and I definitely didn't like that his idea of a proposal was tossing me the box and putting visitation to Kushina on the line. The fact that the most either of us was wearing was a thin sheet didn't help much in the romantic department either.

"No. Last I checked, I am definitely not kidding." Jiraiya's eyes pierced mine until I could finally manage to pull my gaze away. Unfortunately, the only other place my eyes would find was at the small box still resting in my hand. "What's wrong?"

"... What do you expect me to do? Cry and stammer out yes as you slide the ring onto my finger? Then we hop off to Konoha to let your sensei know that you slipped your way around his law and the Council's decision by getting hitched?"

"No!" Jiraiya said, backpedalling quickly. "This isn't just about the list... This is me willing to dedicate everything of me you don't already have to you. I'm yours, Suki. Just let me be selfish and have you."

"We were arguing less than five minutes ago," I reminded him flatly. He pressed onward.

"And now I hope we're not, because I just proposed and it would be kind of awkward if we're still arguing," he said with that cocky grin of his. I wanted to shake my head and explain to him what was wrong about the progression of events but we'd never have a 'normal' way of doing things. I guessed I loved that too, otherwise I would have tried leaving by now. I'd never leave him, though.

The nondescript ring sitting in my palm just made everything seem so final, though. I knew- I'd known for years now- that Jiraiya was the other half of me. I couldn't quite be complete without him, no matter what I did. I wasn't going to turn around and stop loving him but marriage seemed so sudden and real. That life I always wanted to be able to have with him might be possible but-

But I was thinking too much, wasn't I?

How many times had I wondered over those eight years what could have happened if I hadn't left Konoha or, more accurately, if Konoha hadn't left me? What could have happened between Jiraiya and I? Did I always hope we'd have a happy ending? Of course. Did I hope we'd get old together? Within reason. I was willing to accept that we were ninja, though, and deaths in the field are reasonably common even in peacetime.

So what the hell was I doing now?

"I won't marry you to get back into Konoha, Jiraiya," I said as gently as I could, closing the box so I wouldn't have to look at the ring. "I want to marry you because you love me as much as I love you..."

"But I do!" Jiraiya protested.

"Then show me that. Do this properly." I laid the small box on the bed, inches from his hand, and tried to ignore the hurt in my lover's eyes. I reached for his hand with the same movement, grasping it tightly. "I want to come home to you, Raiya, but I don't want to be able to because of a loophole..."

"Then I'll stay with you." It sounded much more concrete than just an offer and I tightened my grip on his hand, bringing it up so I could brush a kiss to his knuckles.

"If things were different... But you have obligations to Konoha. You have an apprentice, Jiraiya."

"He's a talented kid. He'll be snatched up by any jounin worth his salt." I dropped his hand. An apprenticeship was nothing to take for granted. I trusted my shishou with my life, with my mind. When I made my first kill and couldn't sleep for weeks, he watched over me to keep the nightmares away. When I first took in my Kushina, he- with much false indignation and bravado- helped me take care of her when she was sick. He taught me what it meant to be a shinobi, how to lead a team but, more importantly, follow a good leader. He showed me that mercy wasn't a weakness and that I could be kind and still be a good warrior. He was the father I never had.

"And, if you leave, how much longer can Konoha stay out of war? I travel and fight for a living, you can't lie to me and say that the border skirmishes are relaxing. They're getting worse and worse. War'll be declare in weeks if it doesn't improve fast."

"Orochimaru-"

"Is just one man," I interrupted. "One person can't save a village from destruction. I should know." I scoffed, feeling that old bitterness rising before I managed to shove it down again. "Konoha needs to be able to look to its legends and you're one of the only ones it has left."

"If the village needs its legends, then the Umi Ryokou should be greeted back with open arms."

"The Umi Ryokou was never a symbol of Konoha, Jiraiya. Everything about me screams Uzushio. And that's fine. I don't want to forsake Uzushio like the rest of the world has."

"You don't need to forsake it!" Jiraiya insisted. My fists clenched.

"I don't need to?" I asked, dangerously quiet. Jiraiya winced at my tone but wisely remained silent. "Don't lie to me or to yourself. If I ever want to get into Konoha as a kunoichi, I would need to be totally and completely loyal to Konoha. I could have no allegiance to my former comrades. The Uzushio my friends and family died for would be forgotten."

"Suki-"

"If you're going to try to convince me so more, you might as well go back to Konoha now. Go back to your apprentice."

I pulled the sheet closer around me and, standing from the bed, walked to the bathroom to get dressed. When I came out, there was no sign that Jiraiya had even been there. The only indication was the small square box left on the foot of the bed.

Jiraiya was wrong. I wasn't breaking, not now. I was already broken.