Authors note: Thank you, reviewers! We're hoping to continue getting out an "episode" of this every week. Reviews are always very much appreciated. We hope you enjoy the lightheartedness in an otherwise very dramatic and dark fandom.
Chapter 2: Grocery Shopping
Junior: Age 6 months
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Shopping was not a pastime L liked to partake in often; that was one of the many things Watari was good for. Unfortunately, now that L was a father, Watari was a grandfather, and insisted that a grandparents only job pertaining to the grandchild is spoiling him rotten.
Watari also insisted that since L had offered solace to the most prolific mass-murderer of all time, he could certainly handle the responsibility of a little grocery shopping. L often took issue with that. Surely Light's actions as Kira had warranted him the duty of household chores? Watari didn't see it that way, though. He and Light had taken on this arrangement TOGETHER, he said. And when L was being entirely honest with himself...he knew that was the truth of the matter. The night that Light had confessed-without-confessing and L had told-him-without-telling-him that he could walk free if he renounced the Death Note...it was a partnership, not an individual decision on either of their parts. (Sometimes that partnership was still littered with jabs, though. Like when Light talked about how the world was still filled with filth because of "a certain stubborn, morally retarded detective who couldn't see a golden opportunity when it fell out of the sky." Or when L made snide comments about Kira's remarkable capacity for self-delusion.)
So L had done what any normal, loving father would do and tried to dump the chore on his significant other. More misfortune- Light was more stubborn than a Russian guard born under Taurus with a shotgun up his beehind. Many charming fights later, and L had decided that it just wasn't worth it. Not after Light had threatened to buy only from the vegetable side of the produce section and nowhere else.
It wasn't as boring or frustrating as he originally imagined, L had to admit. He had even grown to enjoy it a little. Junior attracted a vast audience, from other children, to women, to senior citizens. Light seemed vaguely annoyed whenever anyone touched the baby, but L thought it was funny. Especially when the more perceptive onlookers noticed the striking resemblance the child had to both parents. Both MALE parents. Some were even audacious enough to inquire about it, to which L would reply that everyone had their price and Light was worth the 7.3 million it took to get inside his pants. He conveniently left out the part where the 7.3 million actually went to a lab and several highly advanced doctors who specialized in splicing genes. The puzzled customers would leave with the impression that Light was once a very pricey jezabel, and also a woman.
This incensed Light to near hysterics, but L really couldn't be bothered to explain the whole, long, complicated procedure of splicing genes and mixing them together in a petri dish with a carefully and meticulously picked donor egg, and then explain how Light was never a woman and that it was actually Light's younger sister who had carried the child to full term for them.
Better for them to just assume what they will. It was good for Light to practice controlling his nasty temper anyway.
They had left early today, though, and the store was nearly empty. Junior had been strapped into a baby chair and stuck in the front of the shopping cart. Light had dressed him like a complete prep: black socks, tiny tan slacks and a dark gray, V-neck sweater.
"Light-kun," L said, a finger to his lip as he trailed beside the basket. "Perhaps a change of wardrobe is in order. Junior-kun looks just like a Ventriloquist dummy fashioned after you.
"His wardrobe is fine, L. He looks respectable, and competent." Light said with the utmost calm. Honestly, he still marveled at himself that he could manage an even vocal tone when L said things like that - comments barbed pointedly in the hope of an emotional reaction. "Which is more than I can say for you."
L did nothing but smirk slightly at that comment, before Light saw the tell-tale gleam in his eye that meant he had detected sucrose in the immediate vicinity. L made a sharp left turn, with no apparent concern for who or what he cut off in the process (Light, and Junior in the cart, respectively).
And there it was. Aisle 6 - aptly labeled "Snacks, Chips, and Cookies."
Light looked down at Junior, who was watching L speed down the aisle with undivided attention. Probably the baby was so entranced because he'd never seen L move so fast before in his life.
Light sighed and looked down at his son. "This is going to be an example of what NOT to eat, okay? Your daddy has a penchant for things that will wreck his insulin response and clog his arteries. This is not something that you and I, as civilized people, will do to ourselves."
Then he maneuvered the cart in L's direction, and prepared himself for what he knew was coming.
L already had an armload of goodies, all bearing Little Debbie's portrait. He dumped the contents into the cart and careened back down the aisle. He had seen honey buns but was not able to grab them-his last available finger had been securing the oatmeal cream sandwich cookies.
"There are no twinkies," L announced suddenly, freezing mid-step. The sixteen inches of shelf-space which normally held a stock of the golden cakes was completely empty, save a pack of Mission flour tortilla's someone had obviously ditched for something sweeter. "Light-kun, there are NO twinkies."
It was sad how unsurprised Light was, both with the question and with all that L had managed to accumulate so far.
"That is neither a problem nor a concern of mine, L. We are not here for Twinkies. Or..." Light said, reaching into the cart and shuffling through its new contents. "Twenty seven packages of M&Ms."
"Twenty-eight, Light-kun." L replied, rifling through the lowest shelf in controlled but intense concentration.
"And though you did not come with them in mind, I had them on the grocery list. Written in a language you don't speak."
Light was unimpressed. "I SAW that Hungarian, L. Don't think I couldn't put two and two together. And I'll be learning it with Junior when he gains his fine motor skills for speech. It's the fifth language he'll be immersed in."
"Already you are thinking about his fifth language when he firstly needs to learn his mother language-English." L said this off-handedly; he was scratching his head, eyeing the rows of brightly colored confections like a witness gauging a prison line-up. He was pretty sure one of them had to be hiding a box of Twinkies.
...a terrifying and almost comically unforeseen problem suddenly slammed into Light's brain. Steamrolling all thoughts of the upper-sized booties that Light was planning on buying next week.
L wanted Junior's native tongue to be...
English. As in...not Japanese.
Light looked down at his son, who was trying to disengage his baby seat belt from his baby seat. Light rearranged the straps properly and then very promptly wheeled the cart right in front of L, narrowly missing his toes.
"We need to talk."
Confusion flashed in his cauldron-black eyes before settling into annoyance. "Now is not the time or place, Light-kun. There are delicious golden cakes which must be found immediately. Since Junior will be eating baby food starting this week, I thought that I would share with him some of the cream. These are very special Twinkies in which the Dearest Heart and I will engage in crucial Father-Son bonding. Now, kindly step aside before I move you myself." And with that, he narrowed his eyes, cocked his head slightly to the right, and smirked.
Light was having none of that. This was important.
"When were you going to tell me you wanted his native language to be English?" he demanded.
L blinked a blink that blinked volumes. Then he replied oh-so-innocently, "I assumed you knew. What else would it be?"
Light couldn't tell if L was genuinely that presumptive and shortsighted or just WANTING to fight. He decided it didn't matter.
"We're BOTH his parents. He doesn't AUTOMATICALLY take on English as his 'mother language,' L. Or do you assume that Britain holds more sway than my own birth country?"
In some detached area of himself, Light understood that this was neither the time nor the place nor the attitude that would get him what he wanted. But DAMN if L didn't get him riled sometimes.
Junior made a gurgled sort of burping sound and Light took him out of the baby seat, held him in his arms, and patted his back.
He would save his son from the tyranny of Queen Elizabeth.
"The origin of the language matters not, Love, as they both drink ample amounts of tea," L said, in his most crisp British accent.
This was the wrong thing to say, as Light began to puff up like an irritated canary. It was a shame really. Sometimes L could prevent fights AND get his way with a bit of humor. Changing tactics, his face fell into blankness.
"English," he stated. "would be the superior choice as most countries have at least some understanding of the language. It only makes sense that it be his mother tongue." As he said this, he slid a box of strawberry shortcake rolls aside to reveal a gleaming box of Twinkies. L had to fight not to beam with pride as Junior struggled to reach for it, his large eyes fixated on the colored packaging.
Light knew that L was right about that. And were he currently in a mood to accept rationality as the basis of his actions, he would be done with the entire discussion. But...Light had noticed himself getting...paternal...very quickly and very deeply. And with it came a strong sense of protecting Junior and his own legacy and somehow this...
Light decided the best thing to do was wait. They'd re-vist the subject when he was calmer. Making any decision - whether in L's favor or against it - was not wise right now.
Junior was still struggling in his arms.
Light said, in Japanese, "Remember what I said about those." and set the baby firmly back into his seat on the cart.
Neither of them broke the smoldering gaze they were locked in. Light knew it wasn't over. L knew it wasn't over. But that did not mean that L had to accept Light insulting perfectly respectable food.
Holding Light's eyes, he dangled the box over the cart between two fingers.
"His arteries are young. He can take it," he said, in his deadly calm voice, and let go.
Junior immediately let out a delighted squeal and waved his arms in the hopes of catching the container. His motor skills were not yet what they needed to be for such an action, though, and the brightly colored package fell with a thump.
Light was nearly beside himself. Without a word, he began removing every sugared item in the cart that he could get his hands on, shoving them back onto the shelves without a word.
"Put them back, Light-kun," L said, with barely controlled panic. His eyes were even wider than usual, the image of everything he dearly loved being shoved carelessly back onto the unforgiving shelves reflecting in his pupils. "I will not forgive you for such callousness."
Light continued at a steady pace, which was taking him twice as long as it took L to get them into the cart in the first place. He left the Twinkies for last, his eyes taking on the Kira-like glint they got whenever he was doing something particularly vindictive. L lunged forward and seized the box, pulling and tugging. But Light held fast, trying to wrench it away.
As if sensing the sparks of conflict crackling and igniting around his parents, Junior squirmed and whimpered in his baby seat. When this brought about no immediate change in his fathers, the baby gave in and wailed.
"Dammit, L! Let...GO..." Light was saying, and in between his words were the huffs of frustration that L was known to give during moments of true and utter ire.
Given the noise emitting from their corner of the supermarket, It was not long before other patrons made their presence known. A woman with two children of her own came peering over from the corner of Captain Crunch display, and soon after, an elderly man had shuffled over as well.
"You are making a spectacle of yourself, Light-kun. Give in and save what little of your dignity remains."
Light's glower deepened, if that were at all possible. "My son will NOT be polluted with this CRAP you call food!"
With a final yank, the feeble box finally gave and ripped loudly in two. Cellophane-covered cakes rained down on aisle 6, much to the delight of the two onlooking children.
L and Light both froze, momentarily stunned. Then L dropped his half of his box, his shoulders hunching.
The first thing L and Watari had ever done together was split a Twinkie. At the time, it hadn't been the sugar that held any influence over L; it had been the simplicity of the kindness and the bond of sharing something with someone just for the sake of it. L wanted that moment with Junior, and Light... Light was hell-bent on taking that from him.
"That was the last box," L said, his tone flatlining. "I guess for now, you get your way. But I do not believe the produce aisle is going to be too happy to see me today." And with that, he shuffled off.
This was...Light exhaled long and deeply. How and why the last five minutes had happened seemed to like a blur to him now.
He took hold of the cart and turned it in L's direction, starting off after him at the same shuffling pace, and trying to calm Junior by making shushing sounds and playing with his hands as he did.
L was indeed right about the direction of the baby food, and soon they came to a stop in front a massive wall of different varieties. Light had already researched which were the right ones for any child of his. Made a list of them, in fact, along with their respective ingredients and places of manufacturing.
L was staring at the wall of baby food containers, cell phone held up to his ear by thumb and index finger. He was speaking just loud enough for Light to hear.
"Yes… no, not those. The twenty gauge set. Immediately. … as large as you can make it. Our aim is to make a clear statement. …yes, thank you. Excellent work."
Light immediately had a premonition of suspicion. L was planning something.
Taking Junior out of the baby seat again, Light walked over to L's place in the aisle (this one aisle number 13).
"What was that about?" he demanded.
"It is not your concern." L answered blithely. "Not yet anyway. …hmm. They have strawberry shortcake flavor." he continued, indicating a pink jar of baby food
"Whatever you are up to, L Lawliet, I will find out." Light whispered this, apropos of protecting L's identity, but it was a deadly, cobra hiss.
"Yes, Light Yagami Lawliet, you WILL. That is the point."
Light felt a momentary panic seize his lungs, but he managed to fight it down. "L, seriously. What did you do?"
Ignoring Light, L pulled Junior from his arms and moved closer to the display. "Which would you like?" he asked gently. "Something boring, like peas; or something with a little pazaz, like vanilla custard?"
Juniors pudgy little hand was already flailing out, trying to touch whatever he could. His palm landed on a jar of a lower priced brand-plain banana. L pulled it from the shelf and dropped it into the cart.
The cynical side of Light thought that this was a telling example of the differences in he and L's parenting styles in a nutshell. But rather than give that side a voice, he remained silent and watched.
L was taking slow steps down the shelves, occasionally murmuring something to Junior, and occasionally dropping jars into their cart. Junior was making straining "mmmmm!" noises at intervals.
After several minutes, a good amount of baby food had accumulated. Light saw that along with the banana, there were peaches, sweet potato, and surprisingly, a larger than average jar of peas.
L eventually brought his eyes to Light's again. "That should last him until next week."
Light nodded. "He'll have enough."
"I suppose you will be wanting to purchase fruits and vegetables next?" L asked, eyes blank and monotone so thick it was almost sarcastic.
Light sighed. "Yes, L. How curious it is that a parent would want their child to have all necessary nutrients for proper growth and maturation. I'm weird, I guess."
And with that, he wheeled the cart around and started off in the direction of the produce.
L, with Junior in his arms, trailed after Light, suspiciously quiet. A quiet L was either plotting or waiting for a plot to unfold.
Minutes later, Light realized that today it was the latter.
There was enough time for them to turn the corner into the produce, and for Light to begin to wonder why in the world this was the only section of the store devoid of any other human life forms, when a bang like a Pillsbury biscuit tube exploding rang out, and Light's vision was momentarily obstructed by the red guts of vine-ripe tomatoes bursting like a firework over the display. Next came blue and yellow as the obviously planned genocide of the produce aisle hit the berries and bananas. The finale was a vibrant mixture of lettuce, carrots, and radishes.
It took mere seconds for the entire section to go up, and Light found himself unable to do anything but stare, wide-eyed with complete outraged SHOCK at the length's L went to for revenge. Over TWINKIES.
When the last few sounds of produce splattering onto the floor dissipated, Light regained his presence of mind and whirled on L.
"I cannot BELIEVE you!" he shouted. "Are you out of your MIND? Someone could have gotten hurt!"
"I find it very telling that you blame me for this, Light-kun." L said mildly, bouncing Junior lightly on his hip. "You are very quick to accuse the one you profess to love."
"Oh just STOP it, L. You know you did this and you need to take responsibility for it! Do you realize how much we'll owe in damages to this place? And besides that, JUNIOR is with us! What if he had gotten hurt? Huh?"
L started past Light, Junior still on his hip. "The Dearest Heart was perfectly safe before and after this event. I hope you realize the seriousness of your Twinkie Trespass. Now...we will be looking at toys while you finish getting what you need. Call when you're ready."
Light had no chance to respond before L had turned his back on him was out of earshot. How DARE he! Light was so angry he could have very easily ran after L and continued his shouting. But Light was nothing if not ever-conscious of public appearances, and his sensitivity to that would not allow him to go on making a scene. The last thing he wanted to do was attract attention. Forcing himself to calm his shaking rage, he steeled his mind to the purpose of getting the necessities of life quickly. L could answer for his outrageousness later. L WOULD answer for his outrageousness later.
Light walked through the aisles blindly, clinging to the last bits of tranquility he had. He went about throwing the necessary items to the cart - gaining little satisfaction from the forlorn clanging they created when they struck the metal of the cart's bottom. Rice, bread, chicken, juice...a box of Chips Ahoy...L did need to eat too, the childish, reckless, irresponsible bastard.
Then he punched the redial on his cell and called the father of his son.
It was Junior who answered. At first there was nothing, and then the unmistakable half gurgle, half cooing sound he made whenever they coaxed him to "talk."
Light smiled, fully aware that no one was seeing it. He loved Junior's talking at this stage. "Did you find a toy you like?" he asked into the phone.
There was silence again, and then sharp, excited breaths and another soft coo. A second later, L was on.
"I am sorry to break up this conversation, but Junior decided he likes tasting my cell phone more than he likes talking into it, and I draw the line at slobber. Are you quite ready? We will meet you at the registers."
L was speaking entirely in English, his tone clipped and impersonal. He really took his Twinkies seriously.
Two minutes later, Light found L and Junior loitering at a magazine rack. L was pointing out bits and pieces of popular culture and commentating on them dryly while Junior paid a slightly-disturbing amount of attention. Light knew that L had a not-so-closeted interest in celebrities and the various aspects of their superficial lives but if the trait was hereditary...
Light decided not to think on that further, as he had had enough distressing thoughts for one shopping trip. He began the task of checking out.
L wandered over when the last of the items were being rung up. He paused at the display of candy bars next to the conveyor.
"Hershey's chocolate bar," he said, sadly. "Even someone without any teeth could eat a piece of it. It melts right onto your tongue. It is heaven for your taste buds." He cast a fleeting look at Light. "I would get one and share some with you, Dearest Heart. Only your Father would probably flush it down the toilet."
Light sighed. He reminded himself that many a Zen teaching emphasized viewing challenges as opportunities. And he fought down the immediately proceeding thought - that any monk who met L would convert.
"Father would flush it if your daddy decided to give it to you without any kind of input from him." Light said, mildly, still setting items down on the conveyor belt. Then he brought his eyes up to meet L's.
"Because, chocolate contains many known antioxidants, as well as necessary triglycerides. It's not poison if eaten in moderation."
L snatched a Hershey's bar and whirled around. "Light-kun, may your son and your significant other have some antioxidants?" It was torn between sarcasm and hopefulness.
Light rarely snorted. He restrained himself to polite laughs or even chuckles if he were feeling generous. But this was a time where L got one out of him, either purposefully or otherwise.
"I didn't…" Light began, then cut himself off. "Yes, L. You may both have some antioxidants."
"Look at that," L said, looking at Junior. "Kira is a generous God." He set the candy on the conveyor and held Light's gaze challengingly as he strolled past the register to wait for Light at the doors.
Light could FEEL the emotion, whatever kind it was (he didn't feel like naming it), build up spectacularly in his chest and he clamped it down firmly, knowing nothing productive would come from it.
He smiled politely at the cashier and nodded at her small-talk, swiped his credit card, and promptly loaded the groceries into the cart. Very procedural. Very bland. Very under control.
"Let's go home." he said to L, barely restraining a sigh, when he caught up to him. Junior was squirming a bit and Light figured he had about 25 minutes before a nap was in order.
In the parking lot, Light clicked the button on his keys to unlock the doors of their charcoal grey SUV. It was neither of their first preferences, and they each had their own cars, but when going out as a family they had actually both agreed without conflict that a nice family vehicle that wouldn't draw attention to themselves was the way to go. They needed to transport their child without onlookers giving him a celebrity complex. Light wasn't about to let him grow up a spoiled, starry-eyed brat just because he was Lawliet's son.
He swapped the keys for Junior and put him into his car seat. L was annoyed with "the frivolities of the animal harness" and so it was on Light to make sure he was fastened securely.
L opened up the trunk and began loading up the bags. He was tired and irritated and he just wanted a Twinkie or at least something else equally as sugar laden. He had the chocolate bar, it was true, but anyone knew that wasn't a meal. Cake was a meal. Pie a la mode was a meal. A large bowl of Neapolitan ice-cream with marshmallow cream and chocolate sauce- THAT was a meal. All THIS junk though… tilapia filets, canned carrots, soba noodles. He couldn't WORK with this.
But as he was about to grab the last bag, the corner of a shiny blue package caught his eye, covered beneath a box of shredded mini wheat's. Without daring to hope, he clipped the ruffled edged of the blue package between his fingers and slowly pulled out a pack of Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies.
Enchanted, he held it up between forefinger and thumb, staring at the sunlight glinting off its magnificent logo.
"Light."
Light snapped the last of Junior's straps into place and straightened up as he turned around.
"You bought me Chips Ahoy?"
"Of course," said Light, with frosty dignity. "I don't want you to starve just because I don't want our son to-"
"I love you, Light-kun!" He threw his arms around Light's shoulder's and squeezed, the cookies landing hard against his back.
Light felt some stupid, completely useless sort of tenderness wash over him, softening his bitterness. He put his arms around L's waist and sighed out a tired laugh. "Oh, L."
A/N: Stay tuned! And hit that review button! :-)