Returning Home
Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii 5-0. I can wish all I want but it isn't going to happen.
Okay…..this started out as the muse dreaming of Steve and Catherine finally getting to talk about why she left. I put it on paper only to get it out of my head. Thanks to some encouragement from friends on my favorite blog, it is going to see the light of day. This is totally AU because the show would never give us this story.
Chapter 1
This was not how she had planned to return to Hawaii. But here she was, back on Oahu for two weeks already and waiting to see how much longer she would remain. Lt. Catherine Rollins lay in a hospital bed at Tripler, exhausted from her latest physical therapy session and faced with plenty of time to think. She chewed on her lower lip as she reviewed the events that had her hospitalized.
It had taken a long time, months but Catherine had finally acquired the information she had been sent on the mission to gather. All she needed to do was meet her contact who would supply her with a way out of the country and after handing over the flashdrives, she could be released from a job she really hadn't wanted to accept. The meet was to occur on the second floor of a parking garage and before her ride appeared she had been attacked from behind by a man with a knife. A brutal struggle took place, resulting in both of them going over a low wall and falling to the sidewalk below. Catherine's backpack helped cushion her landing but her attacker had only his knife blade to stop his fall. In pain, Cath had struggled to sit up and her contact found her there moments later, hustling her into his car and out of the city.
Unfortunately, moving her that way resulted in further injury to her back and surgery became necessary after she was stabilized and flown to Walter Reed hospital in the US. Once the swelling had gone down and she had healed to the point where she no longer needed narcotics for the pain it was decided that she could complete her treatment and physical therapy at a hospital of her choice. Catherine told herself she chose Tripler because she could be present to deal with the arrangements for shipping her belongings and car from the island to the mainland. As she now looked out at the beautiful Hawaiian scenery from her bed, she worried that her decision had been a foolish one and she had let a fantasy make her decision.
With a deep sigh she tried to relax and let the heavy dose of Tylenol work it's magic. She closed her eyes and hoped that she could take a nap until the pain reduced and she could be ready for some of the phone calls she needed to make.
A soft knock on the door made her eyes pop open and then widen when Kono Kalakaua poked her head in the doorway.
"Kono…..what are you doing here?" she asked in shock.
"I had to see for myself that you really were here," Kono said coming in quickly and pulling up a chair alongside the bed. "You're back…..what happened? Does Steve know?"
"No….Steve does not know. How on earth did you find out?" Catherine asked.
"I have a surfing friend that works here. She recognized your name, I have talked about you and the times we surfed together. She called me the other day and mentioned you were here," Kono explained with a gentle smile.
"I should have known that I couldn't keep it a secret, although I hoped no one would notice," Catherine sighed. "I didn't want anyone to bother the team or tell Steve. You haven't said anything to him, have you?" she added in a panic.
"Easy Sista….no I haven't said anything to him. I figured I should talk to you first and see what was up. I don't like keeping anything from the Boss though," the lovely woman stated. "How are you? What happened?"
"I fell while completing my mission and injured my spine. I've had surgery and am now recovering. I will be fine in time," Chat quickly told her. "But you can't tell Steve, he can't know I am on the island. He was so angry with me when I left. I am sure he has moved on and I can't insert myself in his life again. I have my belongings and car here and they have to be dealt with, so I decided to finish treatment here while making arrangements for them to be moved to the mainland."
"He's not moved on as much as you think. Catherine do you know that he almost died a few months ago? Danny donated part of his liver to save him. He's doing well…..don't worry, he is recovering fine," Kono added hurriedly when she saw the distress on Rollin's face. "He'll be back to normal soon. I think he needs to know you are home."
"I'm not really home Kono," Catherine corrected. "How did Steve get hurt? Why did he need a transplant?"
Kono brought her up to speed on the events that led to McGarrett's serious brush with death and how he was doing now. She informed Catherine that Steve was now back to duty and responding very well to the post-transplant protocol.
"And I haven't heard Lynn's name mentioned in several weeks. I think he liked her but she just wasn't you. Catherine, you are a tough act to follow," Kono assured her with a smile.
Catherine shook her head, her eyes sad.
"I hurt him Kono. I saw the pain in his eyes when I left him to take the op. I lied about the true reason I was going and while I was ordered not to tell him the truth, that does not negate the damage I did to our relationship…..not after I led him to believe I was back to stay," Catherine said, her voice catching as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Steve knows why you left….he knows the truth. We had a case, a company that handles government classified information was hacked by a misguided employee who was thinking of outing secrets. Steve learned that info about your mission was part of the compromised material. He went all Navy SEAL to make sure that the information never reached the wrong hands. So he knows why you lied and he understands," Kono pointed out.
"He wasn't supposed to know. I knew how dangerous my op would be. I wanted him to have a clean break just in case things went wrong…I couldn't leave him wondering," Catherine confessed. She closed her eyes as tears leaked out under her lashes.
"I get it," Kono said sympathetically. "And yes….you hurt him. But you two love each other. That does not just evaporate because you both put country before personal considerations. I know how Steve behaves when you are in his life and I know how he was when you left. He hasn't gotten over you…..not really."
Catherine looked at her, pain still clear on her face.
"Kono…...please, Steve must not know I am here. You have to promise me that you won't tell him. If you can't do this for me then I have no choice but to be transferred to the mainland and find someone else deal with my belongings," she said firmly. "I do not want to see him."
With a worried look, Kono realized that Catherine meant what she said and would not back down.
"All right…but if the Boss finds out and threatens to fire me, you will have to make sure I keep my job," she threatened.
"I will," Cath said with a ghost of a smile on her lips. "But that won't happen, right?"
"He won't learn it from me," Kono swore. "Now enough about Steve, tell me more about how you got hurt and how you are doing. How long do they think you will be in the hospital?"
Catherine complied and gave her a more details of her injuries and the progress she was making. She explained that she was undergoing physical therapy while still in a back brace and eventually she would continue with out-patient treatment once the pain had decreased and she was stronger. After that she was going to take her things and move back to the mainland.
Kono could see that Catherine was tiring and she stood to prepare to leave. She leaned over to hug her friend.
"I'm here for you Sista. Don't be afraid to call me if you need anything. I'm so glad to see you are home safe and hope you don't leave too soon," she said sincerely.
"Thanks Kono. Oh my goodness….all we've done is talk about me. I haven't even asked how married life is treating you. How is Adam?"
"That is a long story for another visit. Adam is in Halawa….for something he did in self-defense. We can discuss in later," she said. Seeing Catherine's shocked look she hurried to add. "His time is almost up, he only has to serve 18 months. He will be home with me very soon."
"I am so sorry Kono. So much has happened since I left. I haven't been a very good friend to anyone. I'm glad he will be out soon," Cath said honestly, annoyed with herself for thinking only she had tough times.
"You get better and we will see what happens next. I'm not giving up on you, you had no way of knowing what was going on here. I will keep my mouth shut but will be back," Kono said and headed for the door.
"Thank you," Catherine called after her.
She lay back against the pillow and smiled. It had been good to see a friendly face. News of what had happened to Steve hurt and she felt guilty for not being there to help him through it. He could have died without knowing why she took this op and that was unforgiveable. She had made so many mistakes and that had cost her the best man she would ever find. That left a bitter taste in her mouth and all she could do now was heal quickly and get off the island before Steve did learn she was here. She couldn't face him.
Chapter 2
Several days later, Steve McGarrett stood in the hallway outside Catherine's room at Tripler and peeked in the window alongside the door. It was true…..she really was here…on Oahu….injured but alive. He could see her resting, her eyes closed, knowing she had just returned from physical therapy fifteen minutes ago. He was confused why she hadn't informed him that she was here. Why was this a secret?
A nurse stopped beside him and gave him a friendly smile.
"You're Commander McGarrett, aren't you?" she enquired.
Steve looked at the older woman with kind eyes in surprise.
"I am….how do you know me?"
"Catherine…..Lt. Rollins has a photo of you in her bedside table. She thinks that none of see her looking at it but we do," the nurse replied. "Your name is written on the back. Why don't you go in and talk to her?"
"She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't know that I know she is here," Steve said softly. "I just needed to see for myself that she is okay."
"She is on the mend. She is a very determined patient."
"That doesn't surprise me," Steve nodded.
"Go inside Commander….she won't kick you out."
"I'll think about it," Steve replied. "Thank you."
As the woman walked away, Steve remained on the outside of the door, staring in the window. He wasn't sure if he was ready to walk through that door and talk to her. It pained him to see her lying in a hospital bed, hurt and alone. He knew that Kono had visited although Kono had not told him of Cath's presence. He had not confronted his teammate with his knowledge.
It had been a text from an unknown source that he had not been able to trace that had informed him that Catherine was at Tripler. Since she had not called him, he felt she was unwilling to face him after how she had left. He wanted to go in to her, she looked so vulnerable at the moment but he knew she wasn't ready for a confrontation right now. With a sigh…he walked away.
*H 5-0*
Two days later Steve once more found himself outside Catherine's room. Once again he had timed it to be after she had completed a physical therapy session. He could see that she was tired and once more he hesitated opening the door. Footsteps alerted him that someone was approaching and he found the same nurse stopping beside him.
"Commander, if you really care about Lt. Rollins, you need to go inside and talk to her. Haunting the hallways accomplishes nothing," the woman whose name badge said Sally informed him.
"It's complicated," Steve replied.
"It always is Commander. That is what relationships are all about. Nothing worth having comes free and easy sir."
"Thank you Sally…..that makes a lot of sense."
"You are welcome Commander, I try to be sensible about things. All I request is that you be kind to her, she is still in a lot of pain."
"I will," he promised.
"Good," she said and left.
Steve stepped closer to the door, his hand on the doorknob. Why did he hesitate? What was he afraid of? This was Catherine….he had loved her for a long time even though he hadn't said it out loud. Had he stopped loving her? Yes, he had deleted her contact from his phone which had been useless since the number was burned into his brain. He had told her he couldn't wait for her this time and thought he had meant it but she hadn't left his mind. All his efforts to move on with his life had fallen short of erasing her from his heart. Lynn had been fun…..a nice distraction but she hadn't filled the void that Catherine had left behind.
He could see her shift in the bed and her face grimaced in pain without waking. His eyes strayed to the back brace near the foot of the bed and he knew how she would hate to wear it. Without thinking further, he opened the door and quietly entered, taking a seat at her bedside. Reaching out, Steve took her right hand in his, fingers closing warmly around hers. Within seconds she calmed and a small smile crossed her lips. It was surprising how right it felt to hold her hand in his.
It was with a low moan that Catherine woke up. Before her eyes could open she felt her hand in someone else's. The familiarity of the grip sent a shock through here system and turning her head slightly she opened her eyes to confirm the identity of the person holding her hand. Steve was actually there, sitting beside her bed, his head bowed, showing no awareness that she was awake.
"Steve….." she whispered.
His head lifted and his intense hazel blue eyes met hers. She felt her heart skip a beat.
"Cath."
"Okay Sailor….we have the names established, now tell me what you are doing here," she said roughly, trying to cover her nerves with humor. "Did Kono talk to you?"
"No, Kono did not share your secret. I received a rather cryptic text saying you were here at Tripler. I suspect either Joe or Doris," he said with a wry smile.
"I am glad it wasn't Kono," Catherine sighed. "It would be like Joe or Doris to butt in."
"I'm glad someone did. Why didn't you call me?" Steve asked sternly.
"I couldn't push back into your life. Not after the way I left you. I'm sorry that I lied about Nepal. I am so sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth about what I was doing. I hated that, I wanted to stay here but I also knew how important the mission was," she tried to explain. "There was no way I was going to disrupt the life you have now. And I apologize that I had no idea that you were hurt so bad recently. God Steve, if I had known you almost died I would have contacted you. I would have come back if I could. I'm so glad you had Danny was here to donate and save your life. I will be forever grateful to him for that," she added softly, her fingers tightening around his.
"Danny will love hearing that, he's convinced I'm not grateful for his gift. He also thinks he can now tell me what to do with "his" liver," Steve grumbled good-naturedly.
A small giggle escaped Catherine.
"It seems some things never change."
"No, Danny's even more annoying with his rants. There are times when I would like to give the liver back," Steve sighed.
"You don't mean that," she chided. "Danny rants because he is afraid of losing his partner. He can't help himself."
"Well….he's lucky I don't shoot him just to shut him up," Steve said with a slight smile curling his lips. "I'm doing fine Catherine, I almost feel like my old self."
"I'm glad…..it is good to hear. I honestly didn't know what happened to you. Kono filled me in the other day. I didn't know about Adam either."
"You had other things to worry about."
Catherine nodded and began to feel self-conscious about her hand in his. She loved seeing him, having him so close was wonderful but it hurt knowing things would never be the same between them. Kono may have said that it was over with this Lynn that she mentioned but Steve had not said that. Feeling nervous, she tried to withdraw her hand but he tightened his fingers around hers.
"Steve," she protested softly.
"I was worried about you. At first I was hurt and angry but once I knew what you really were doing…..I worried," he confessed and put his other hand over their joined ones. "I wanted to go find you but knew that I couldn't. I know you can handle yourself but that didn't erase my concern."
"Yea….I handled myself into a back brace," Catherine said glumly.
"You completed your mission and survived. That is what matters."
They both fell silent. Catherine was desperately trying to figure out how she could end this gracefully. Her back began to throb and she was feeling close to tears. Steve wasn't sure if he had moved past her leaving just as he was about to propose but he found it difficult to release her hand. Somehow he felt like she would vanish if he let go.
"Are you back to work full time? Don't you need to get back to headquarters?" Catherine finally asked, the silence getting on her nerves. "I don't want to keep you from a case."
"No case at the moment," he replied "Do you want me to leave? Are you tired?"
"I'm a little tired," Catherine admitted. "It was so good to see you. I'm relieved you are doing so well."
"I'll come back. We need to talk Catherine, really talk," Steve said seriously. "We can't just leave things like this."
"Yes we can. You said you couldn't wait and I respect that. Everything has changed, there is nothing left to say," she said sadly. "Let's not cause each other any more pain."
"That is exactly why we need to talk. There is so much more to say. Everything is different since I learned why you really left. I am looking at my life differently since I almost died. We have things to sort out," Steve told her. "I was going to propose to you the day you left. You broke my heart."
"You were what?" Catherine asked in shock. She sat up straighter, wincing in pain as she did. "I had no idea Steve. Why didn't you say something? I swear I had no idea."
"How could I propose after you said you needed to leave to find yourself? You said you needed to be needed and staying with me wasn't enough. It hurt Cath…..proposing after that would have been begging."
"And I couldn't tell you the truth because the mission was in motion. I couldn't back out then, I was committed. Oh Steve…I wish I had known," she said as tears welled up in her eyes. "Our timing sure sucks Commander. I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too. I took too long to make my move. I assumed I had all the time in the world."
"It serves me right, I'm the one who took the op. I'm the one who hurt you," she said as the tears trickled down her cheeks. "I let you down. I wish I could turn back time and change things." This time she was successful in pulling her hand free. "I ruined everything."
"It's not only your fault. I should have shared my plans, talked to you about it. I was dragging my feet, I didn't let you know that I wanted to move forward," Steve said softly. "I don't know what exactly I feel right now but I know that a person doesn't fall out of love just because they got hurt. I still have feelings Catherine, I still care."
"My only lie was telling you that I was going to Nepal. I didn't lie when I said I would always love you. I can't take back the hurt….I wish I could. But I also am a big girl and I know what I did, I know you can't feel the same, it has to be different for you," she sniffed and wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. "The damage is done and I have to live with the consequences."
"Cath, we can't make decisions right now. I'm still adjusting to you being home. You have some healing to do and we do have time now. We will talk about this some more," Steve insisted as he rose to his feet. "We need to be honest with each other, there is damage on both sides but that doesn't mean that we can't explore if it can be repaired." Leaning over he kissed her wet cheek and gently squeezed her shoulder. "I'll be back, you get some rest now."
"Goodbye Steve."
"Later Cath."
Once he left the room, Catherine lay back and let the tears really flow.
Chapter 3
Steve walked into HQ and caught Kono's eye. With a nod of his head he indicated that he wanted to see her in his office. She got up and headed there immediately.
"What do you need Steve?" she asked as his door shut behind her.
"I know that Catherine is at Tripler. I just left her. Are you planning to visit her again soon?" Steve asked getting directly to the heart of the matter.
"How did you learn she was here?" Kono asked in surprise, worried that Catherine would be angry with her.
"I received a text telling me she was there. It doesn't matter who sent it, the fact is that I know. She was upset when I left her, she may need a friend. I want you to be there for her."
"Of course I will be there for her. I told her that. Does she know that I wasn't the one who told you?"
"Yes, I made it clear that I didn't learn it from you. I…..we need to talk some more," Steve said slowly, trying to find the correct way to express it. "She was crying when I left, I am worried about her. Maybe if she knows she can talk to you it will help."
"I can do that," Kono promised. She looked at him levelly. "She still loves you, you know," she added quickly. She saw the pain that flashed across McGarrett's face at her words before he caught himself and shut it down.
"Sometimes that isn't enough Kono. It is difficult to deal with how she left me," he said gruffly. "That is why we need to talk more."
"I can tell you that she is finding it difficult to forgive herself for leaving you. I may be out of bounds here but she didn't know you were ready to propose. Neither of you are good at ignoring duty when it calls. She didn't know how much she would hurt you."
Steve opened his mouth to reply and then shut it abruptly. He shook his head and his lips twitched in a small smile.
"Point taken. Like I said, she and I really need to talk. Just be there for her so she isn't alone, please?" Steve requested.
"That I will be happy to do," Kono assured him and left his office. She decided that she would stop by Tripler this evening.
*H 5-0*
When Kono walked into Catherine's room later that evening, she found her friend sitting semi-upright and working on her laptop.
"You sure look good," Kono said happily.
"Hi Kono, the Tylenol has kicked in and I only have short while to be up. I still feel like a mess," Catherine said easily. Some of her plans were falling into place and she was feeling better emotionally. She had located a place to stay after her release.
"Then you are a rare lady who can look so good while being a mess," Kono laughed and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Cath quickly closed the laptop so Kono couldn't see what she had been doing. "Boss called me into his office to tell me he knows."
Catherine looked instantly contrite.
"I'm sorry Kono. I didn't mean to put you on the spot."
"Stop!" Kono responded sharply, holding up a hand. "I don't want to hear you say the word "sorry" again. You made a mistake in your mind and you have now apologized for it. I'm willing to bet that you apologized over and over to Steve when he was here." She saw Catherine nod and stare at her hands. "Okay, the apology time is over, let's move on. Steve says he cares so he just needs time to process why you went on your mission. Once he does, he will get over why you left and you can both move on."
"Kono…..I lied to him, just like Doris lied to him. He can't forgive that," Catherine said sadly.
"No you didn't," her friend objected. "You accepted a mission and told him the cover story you were instructed to give. You did not abandon a child and let him think you were dead for years. Steve had no idea his mother was CIA and would fake her death, leaving her family behind with no goodbyes. He knows you are Navy….even if you're retired or not and you did tell him you were leaving. You did not lie and let him think you were dead." Kono reached out and took one of Catherine's hands. "You did not do what his mother did. Forgive yourself."
Catherine nodded but bit her lip and couldn't meet Kono's gaze. Shaking her head, she began to fuss with the blanket with her fee hand.
"That all sounds good Kono but you don't understand Steve. He has been lied to by so many people he trusted. Doris, Joe and to a small extent his father, who didn't share his suspicions with him once he was older. I knew…..I knew that I was crossing the line when I lied about leaving. My reasons for lying don't cut it. I thought I might not return from the op so I wanted to make it a clean break but still I knew I would hurt him and I did it anyway. You can't fix that."
Kono's heart broke hearing how Catherine was giving up on Steve. She didn't know how to convince her friend that she wasn't as dishonest as Doris had been or she hadn't jerked him around like Joe often did by being so vague with his answers. Catherine hadn't done any of those things.
"Listen to me," she said sharply, hoping she could talk some sense into her. "You didn't deliberately hurt Steve like Doris has. You love him too much to treat him like she did. I know you….you cried when you said goodbye to him, didn't you?" She waited until Cath nodded. "Doris left him a second time and I don't think she even thought about coming back like she told him. I was on that ship with her…..she didn't suffer from leaving her son. I am grateful for the help she gave Adam and I but she didn't seem all that sad for leaving unfinished business with her own son."
"He might not see it the way you do," Catherine whispered.
"You won't know unless you talk honestly with him," Kono pointed out.
Catherine continued to pick at the blanket. She could see how Kono made sense but it was difficult to believe it. She knew how much Steve valued honesty and how frustrated he was when people lied to him.
"I made a mistake coming back here," she finally said. "I saw how he looked at me. It's not like before, there is a wall between us and it is all my doing. He was planning to propose and I killed his dream…..I rejected him."
"You didn't reject him, you didn't know what he was going to do. It was bad timing. Don't give up on him, he knows the truth now," Kono encouraged her.
"The doctors are pleased with my progress, they think I can get rid of the brace by next week. Then I can go into out-patient therapy and I plan to do that on the mainland. I've been looking at places in San Diego on line and I've been making arrangements for my stuff to be shipped there," Catherine said firmly. "Thanks for listening to me, you are a good friend."
Kono dropped Cath's hand and threw up her hands in the air.
"No…..don't go. Give Steve a chance. Stay here and do your therapy. You can stay with me, we'll be roomies. You can keep me company until Adam is released," she insisted.
"Thanks but no. I thought I was strong enough to be on the same island as Steve but I'm not. It hurts too much, I can't stay here."
"I hate this. It's not right."
"It is what it is. I'm not changing my mind," Catherine said firmly. "I need to go. And I am requesting no visitors for the rest of my stay."
"Not even me?" Kono asked in surprise.
"I don't want Steve putting you on the spot because of me. I know him, if he thinks we are communicating he will push at you because he doesn't take no for an answer. He may not forgive me but he won't let go until he has had his final say. And feel free to tell him exactly that," Cath said with a weak smile. "If he respects me he will do as I ask."
Kono wanted to argue but she could see it was a lost cause. There was no winning this argument and it would only hurt her friend to keep insisting.
"Okay Sista…you know I love you. I hate this but I will do as you ask. Take care of yourself and take my phone calls at least."
"Of course," Catherine answered. "I love you too and I will call when I am ready to leave."
Kono left with a heavy heart. She was determined to let her boss have a piece of her mind once she knew exactly what she wanted to say.
Chapter 4
The next morning a knock on his office door had Steve looking up to see Chin Ho Kelly waiting outside. He waved him in and closed his laptop.
"What's up Chin?" he asked as Kelly sat down on the opposite side of his desk. "You are in early."
"I know this is none of my business but Kono talked to me earlier this week. Since the two of you talked yesterday, I figured you know who she went to see," Chin began. "I just wondered if you needed to talk because I'm available."
"Thanks Chin, I appreciate the offer but I am okay," Steve said, not surprised the cousins had talked. "Right now I'm just trying to process things on my own."
"Well I'm here if you need an ear. It sounds like you both need to process some things. Is she planning on staying on Oahu?"
"I don't know. I need to understand what she was thinking when she took that op."
"Will she be cleared to tell you that?" Chin asked.
"I need to know why. She had said she would stay and then she chose to leave me," Steve said.
"She didn't know you were going to propose, did she?" Kelly asked. Steve looked at him with a frown.
"No but what has that got to do with anything? She had asked me if I wanted her to stay…I did. She still left."
She had no way of knowing you would propose though. Did you talk about the future? Do you know how that op was presented to her? Could she refuse it?" Chin enquired.
Before Steve could respond, Kono stormed into the office.
"Okay….I'll have you know that I got a lousy night's sleep because you can't forgive Catherine for going on that op. She is now planning to go to the mainland as soon as she is released to out-patient care. She has also chosen to block all visitors for the remaining time she is here. I care about both of you but I cannot be in the middle of this any longer. She has convinced herself that you see her in the same light as your mother," Kono said breathlessly. Her frustration had built all night long and any semblance of patience had evaporated. The two stubborn people she cared about needed to talk.
"Kono, slow down. What are you talking about? Cath and I are going to talk, she isn't going anywhere," Steve said in confusion.
"I saw her last evening and she has decided that any more talk is useless. She believes what she did was unforgiveable and that you no longer can get past her lie. She feels you can no longer trust her just like you don't trust Doris," Kono said bluntly.
"I never said….."
"You didn't have to say it Steve…that is what Catherine believes. She has blocked any visitors, I checked this morning and she really does intend to go back to the mainland, San Diego to be specific. I tried to talk her out of it but no dice," Kono said glaring at him. "You have to fix this."
"Looks like the next play is yours Steve. Be sure you know what you want before you confront her," Chin advised, knowing full well that Steve would ignore the "no visitors" request.
McGarrett looked confused, something the cousins were not accustomed to seeing.
"Why would she think I would see her like Doris?" he asked quietly.
"She lied about the op. She lied about why she was leaving. We know it was important but you didn't know that at the time. She saw how you reacted and how hurt you were, she honestly believes you can't forgive that. Only you can tell different…..if it is different that is," Kono replied in concern.
"How long before she is released?"
""Soon, she is getting rid of the brace very soon. If you want her to stay Steve, you have to talk to her."
"I have to think about this," Steve admitted. "It's on my head now, I will deal with it."
"Try not to hurt her," Kono said and left the office.
Chin stood up and hesitated before leaving.
"Steve…I know this is difficult…..go with your heart. You'll know what the right move is," he said before walking away.
Steve sat there considering what the cousins had said to him. Kono was right, he couldn't confront Cath unless he really knew what he wanted. He could no longer drag his feet and wait for the right moment and the right words. If he wanted a second chance with Catherine he needed to convince her his feelings were honest.
In spite of his good intentions real life got in the way and 5-0 caught a case that occupied them for the next several days. Catherine remained in the back of his mind and he used his contacts at Tripler to check on her progress and confirm she had not been discharged yet. It wasn't easy to avoid the speculative looks that Danny kept throwing his way but the case kept them busy enough to prevent Williams from probing too deeply into what was going on. Steve could not bring himself to discuss Catherine with his partner at this time.
Once the case was wrapped up and the perps were put away, Steve checked on Catherine's status and learned she was close to discharge. Learning her PT schedule, he timed his visit the next day for when she was between sessions. He encountered Sally outside her unoccupied room.
"She has requested no visitors Commander," Sally said kindly. "I'm afraid we have to respect that."
"I understand Sally but I can't let her leave without talking to her," Steve said firmly. "This isn't up to her alone, I need to give my input."
"I know I shouldn't say this Commander but I know she isn't happy with her decision. She has tried to hide it from us but it shows. I have to say that if you plan to confront her and break things off then please….do her a favor and walk away now. She doesn't need any further pain," the woman said sincerely. She didn't care if she was speaking out of turn, she wanted to see the young woman happy, not broken. "She is out in the courtyard."
McGarrett smiled at her in gratitude and watched the nurse hurry away. He headed out to the courtyard where patients could sit in the open air and help their recovery. Scanning the area when he arrived, he spotted her sitting on a bench facing away from him. She was in the shade of a large tree and a walker was parked beside her. His lips lifted in a small smile, knowing how much Cath would hater using that. Taking a deep breath he headed toward her, knowing he couldn't put this off any longer.
As he paused behind the bench, he saw her stiffen. Why was it she always seemed to sense when he was near? He moved quickly around the bench quickly so that she wouldn't hurt herself trying to turn around to see him.
"Hello Cath," he said softly.
"I should have known that requesting no visitors would be ignored by you," she sighed.
"We need to talk and you agreed," he reminded her.
"I had time to rethink that agreement. It was a mistake. We've said all there is to say, it's over. Steve, the damage can't be repaired."
"What damage is that Catherine?"
"I lied to you. I lied like your mother did. I accepted a mission after telling you I was back to stay." She took a deep breath. "I did want to stay but I couldn't say no to the op. After Afghanistan, I couldn't keep you waiting. I hated that but I didn't know if I would come back from this one….I almost didn't. For your sake the break had to be clean," she tried to explain. "I can't forgive myself so I can't expect you to. Steve…..please just go away. It is done."
McGarrett crouched down to look her in the eyes. He laid both hands on her thighs.
"Isn't forgiving you something I should decide? Isn't that my choice? Are you able to see inside my heart and head? I won't say I wasn't hurt and angry but I didn't have all the information. I do understand that you couldn't tell me the truth, I don't hold that against you. I haven't always told you why I had to leave on all my missions," he said gently. "I wanted to marry you but I delayed proposing, that lands at my doorstep. I didn't talk of the future with you. You didn't know my plans. There is plenty of blame to go around so let's start fresh. Don't go to San Diego Cath."
Catherine closed her eyes, angry that she was feeling close to tears again. Why couldn't she control her emotions? Steve was saying what she wanted to hear but it was all too good to be true. She wasn't convinced he meant it.
"I….I think it is best if I go. I know you've been seeing someone. I can't ruin that for you," she said brokenly.
"Are you referring to Lynn?" Steve asked tightening his grip on her thighs. "That is pretty much over. We haven't gone out since my surgery. She was sweet….fun but I still felt empty. I tried to move on but I couldn't. Catherine…look at me," he said sharply.
Her eyes flew open in surprise. He smiled slightly at the shocked look on her face.
"Okay….good," he said in a softer tone. "Believe me Cath, I'm not lying to you. I couldn't move on because I still love you. And Lynn sensed that, it is why it ended. She said my head wasn't in the game and she was right. Neither was my heart."
Catherine shook her head, still unable to trust what she heard.
"Now who isn't telling the truth?" she whispered.
Steve reached out and cupped her face with his right hand.
"I should be angry with you for doubting me," he said lightly. "Catherine, I love you. And if you won't believe my words, believe this." He leaned in and kissed her gently.
Now tears really did break free and run down her cheeks.
"I want to believe," she sniffed.
Steve's fingers slipped to the back of her neck and drew her closer. His lips fastened on hers again, this kiss more demanding the gentle one before.
"We will find our way back Cath, I promise you," he said when their lips parted. "Don't leave me again."
"Okay," she said barely above a whisper. "But you need to tell me if you think it isn't working. Please be honest….don't drag it out."
"I can do that," Steve agreed as he got up and took a seat beside her. His arm slipped familiarly around her shoulders. "We both have to be honest. We can repair this if we both try," he added as he drew her closer to his side.
Catherine felt a weight lift off her heart and for the first time began to believe they could find their way back. At least they could give it an honest try. She rested her head against his shoulder and felt she really had returned home.
End story.
Well there you go. I know this is longer than I have ever posted but once I was on a roll, I just went with it. I hope you liked my fantasy, I know it isn't what the show will give us. Thank you for reading and as usual, if you enjoyed it let the muse know.