(O.O)

Dr. Grey

Friday had finally come and it was time again for me to meet up with my current favorite client, Spike.

Too bad I was running a bit late though.

I looked at my watch for the hundredth time.

10:35 pm

Shit!

I drove even faster most probably breaking the speed limit, which was stupid since this is a small town and I could hit someone on the small street.

Anyway, you must be wondering why I was currently running late. Well, it is because I had been with another client a few moments earlier.

He had asked me this morning to have his appointment done in his home dimension and I had agreed to it because I saw nothing wrong with it and had always been okay with making house calls especially if my client couldn't come to my office for one of our sessions. I had used a special door located in my apartment, that had the magical ability to teleport me to any dimension I liked to visit, and thus I had gone to do our session in his homeworld.

Everything had been alright at first. My session with the client went smoothly. All was alright, at least until I was informed that time moved differently in his home dimension.

Apparently, my client had failed to mention to me the time difference in his world. It had seemed that time moved slower there than in my dimension, meaning that an hour in his world was six hours in mine. It had been at that moment that I had realized that I had been missing for more than twelve hours. So I hurriedly left his world to find that twelve hours had indeed passed by and that I had missed the appointments of seven clients in that period, and was about to miss my meeting with my current favorite client, Spike.

As I continued to drive to the clinic, I looked at my watch yet again to check the time.

10:37 pm

Dammit! I really hope he doesn't decide to leave. I prayed as I drove even faster.

When I got there, I haphazardly parked my car.

No one will give me a ticket this late at night.

And dashed inside. The clinic's lights were still on, signifying that a few of its employees and doctors were still around.

What, you didn't actually think I was the only doctor around now, did you? Of course not! It'd be impractical.

There are actually three active psychiatrists in the clinic. But I am the only one of the three that's human though, the other two were of different races and species. But I am not gonna discuss them now because as I said I am running late!

"Good evening, Dr. Grey," my receptionist Agatha, who happened to be a forest elf, greeted me.

"Good evening, Aga," I replied as I approached her desk.

"I'm so glad you were able to join us this evening," she said as she handed me Spike's file. "I rescheduled most of the appointments that you missed today, except for the vampire, who's inside waiting for you."

"Thank you for that," I told her as I examined the file she gave me.

Client no. 2091

Name: William James Pratt aka William the Bloody or Spike

Species: Undead

Class: Vampire

Session 3

Duration: 2 hours and 30 minutes.

I closed the folder and looked back at my receptionist. "How long has he been waiting?" I asked.

"Almost two hours, doctor. I told him that you might not show up, he didn't care. He simply asked to wait in your office."

I smiled at my receptionist as she told me this. Not one week ago, this vampire had been reluctant and almost didn't want to come to my sessions, now he's willing to wait for me just to have one. It's quite an improvement in his view of me and what I do if I do say so myself.

But of course, I knew deep down that his eagerness to see me wasn't a good sign I get the feeling that it is of the bad variety, and that something must've happened to him within the week and now he was eager to unload that story.

I entered my office and found Spike opening a cabinet behind my desk, looking like a man on a mission as he searched the large drawers in my office.

"I usually keep my liquors in the secret compartment in one of those sofas," I pointed to the sofas in the corner of my office with a smirk on my face.

"What makes you think I was looking for your secret stash? What if I was just being a snoop and wanted to see the kind of person you are?" He raised his scarred brow questioningly.

I gave him wry smile before I answered. "Because if you had only wanted to know the kind of person I was through my things, you would've checked the smaller drawers in my desk first, not the cabinet." I looked pointedly at the cabinet beside my desk that had been left slightly ajar.

"Fair point. But you can't blame me for looking around for it, considering I've been here for quite some time waiting for you to get here. A bloke like me just can't last that long without his drink."

"If you put it that way, perhaps I should schedule you for a demon-version of an AA meeting too."

"That won't be necessary, pet. Because first, I ain't an addict. I just like to drink when I am upset. And secondly, vampire here, I can drink all the liquor in a bar and would still be sober enough to get home to my crypt. Fast metabolism and all that rot."

"Remind me then to introduce you to a friend of mine, Dionysus, who happens to be the god of Wine. I'm sure the two of you can be real good drinking buddies," I told him dryly as I approached my desk and dropped my things there.

"You know the Greek god of Wine?!" he asked as he took a few steps away from my table, shock evident in his face.

"I know a lot of Greek gods. Most of which have severe emotional problems," I answered in amusement at his surprised expression, before taking out my pen and notepad.

"Huh, you sure get around a lot, don't ya doc?"

I merely smiled before gesturing at our seats. "How about we finish this discussion at a later time, and start tonight's session. I believe we are running a bit late on that one."

"Not that I'm to blame for that. I did come here early," he told me, giving me a pointed look while he walked to his usual chair.

I felt chastised by it and apologized for my tardiness. "I'm sorry about that. I was doing a house call for a client who failed to tell me the time speed difference of his world to ours," I explained, settling into my seat.

"You do house calls too? And in different dimensions at that! You really do get around a lot," he stated before shrugging. "Well, don't matter really how late you are just as long as I don't get to pay for your tardiness, everything's fine by me."

"Don't worry. Your session's duration doesn't change. We still are set for two hours and thirty minutes. We'll just be ending a bit later than usual," I informed him, at which he just shrugged and settled more comfortably in his chair. "Alright, shall we begin?"

"You're the doctor here, doc. You decide when we start, or how we start for the matter."

I smiled at him.

Callous as always.

"Very well. How about we begin by you telling me why you came here early."

"You want to know why I came here early? How is that relevant for this session? I mean, I thought we would be discussing my issues with Cecily."

"Spike, by the way, you said her name and how different it is to how you spoke of her in our last session, I can tell that whatever issues you had with Cecily were already resolved. Don't worry, we'll talk about what happened between the two of you later. But before that, I want to know what happened that had you coming here an hour or earlier than usual."

He clenched his fists and his body suddenly tensed, his lips thinned as he glared at me. It made me realized that I had been right in my earlier assumptions of him coming here was because something bad happened to him this week. But I choose to ignore his reaction and I waited patiently for his answer. It didn't take him long to realize that what he was doing wasn't affecting me in the slightest, so he let out a heavy sigh.

"You know, it's really annoying how you seem to know what I am thinking or that something's bothering me for the matter," he said, "Are you sure you're a hundred percent human and not some mind reader?"

I laughed at that. "Yes, I am positive I am human with no special powers. I'm just really good at reading people," I told him before looking more serious, urging him to answer my question.

But instead of answering, he stated the next words with a smile, "Trained yourself for it, didn't you? You might've made a good spy or somethin'."

"I don't know about being a spy, but yes, most of what I do I learned from school, though the rest I got through experience."

"Good for you then. What I learned from school is used to translate old texts, though I highly doubt that's anything special compared to what you do. I mean, even though what I do is used to find out how to kill particular demons and such but hey, it's not really that great of a skill, if you ask me-"

"Spike," I called his name to stop him. "You're babbling and avoiding the subject." I tilted my head to the side and my gaze softened as I watched him shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Spike, we talked about this already. You need to trus-"

"Buffy has banned Dawn and me from seeing each other," he said in a rush that I almost missed his words.

I was shocked.

Okay, that is not the truth that I was expecting.

"Wa-what happened? I mean, how did this happen?"

He sighed deeply, again, and his eyes began to moisten with unshed tears as he stared into my dark brown ones. At that moment, my heart once again broke for him especially as he told me his story.

"I-I don't know what happened. One moment she was crying asking me not to leave her because she got insecure that I met up with Cecily, then the next we were having sex and even cuddled until morning, which is a first for us. But the next day, she starts saying it was a mistake and started accusing me of endangering Dawn!"

I can hear the pain and sadness in his voice as he continued to describe his fight with this Slayer that lead to him being banned from seeing the young girl, who I believed is this vampire's only human friend in this group of ignorant and abusive people.

Pain, Anger, Resentment.

He had too many negative emotions rolling off him at this moment that was caused by this woman, and I knew more will come because I need to open this very current memory of his to find out what was wrong with him.

"I definitely care about Dawn! I love her like the sister I never had. So why can't the bloody bitch see that?" he asked me, looking devastated and lost.

"I don't know, Spike. I don't know the answer to any of your questions, because I don't know this Buffy well enough to give you an answer to them. But-"

"You want to know about Buffy?" He cuts me off. "She's a cruel and manipulative bitch with martyr-complex and serious abandonment issues. She clings to her friends like they're her bloody lifeline but she never notices how much they're holding her back from being happy because she cares too much about their bloody opinions to think for herself. She claims to want a normal life but she's too fucking noble to abandon her duties as a Slayer."

It sounds like she has serious issues herself. I thought as I listened to his description of the young woman, who seems to have a great effect on this vampire.

"She misses Heaven but she wouldn't end her life to go back there because she knows her sister and friends still need her. She's too bloody selfless; always putting other's needs before her own, and is too damn forgiving! She never held her friends' mistakes against them but they always wave in her face the mistake she made when she fell for that wanker Angel!"

Ahhh there's that name again. Angel. This man seems to also have a great effect not just on my client but on this Slayer as well.

"She should know by now that that bastard was the one at fault! She was a bloody child at the time, a fucking innocent, and he used her, hurt her and fucking left her when everything was going too tough for him! She still blames herself for Angel leaving. Bloody hell, she blames herself for every man that left her life, when in truth they were all worthless gits to abandon her in the first place! Now, she's shut herself off from those she loves and finds comfort in the arms of a dead man, but she never lets that man get any closer to her for the fear of once again making the same mistakes as she had before-"

He stopped and looked like he realized something from that long rant of his.

"That's it, isn't it?" he asked me, but he didn't wait for me to answer because he immediately continued. "That's why she's keeping me away. It's why she's trying so hard not to let me in her heart when it's obvious that all I want to do is to love her and protect her and those she loves. She's afraid that I'll end up like sodding Angel! She thinks I'd betray her and kill off every one of her friends the first chance I get when I get this chip out of my head! Bloody hell!"

He suddenly stood up and roared as his face changed releasing his demon. He started pacing back and forth inside my office, talking to himself about being a monster and belonging in the dark and not being good enough for the girl. He ranted about how Angel always got things first and how he was always the one who picked up the broken pieces that were left behind, then he started listing disturbing ways to torture the being known as Angel.

While he continued his pacing and ranting, I simply sat in my seat and watched him and listened avidly to his rant, and discreetly wrote down the details about Angel that I believed were important and that concerned Spike.

Apparently, my assumption was right and that this Angel fellow was indeed the ensouled version of Angelus, his Sire's Sire, and one of the vampires in his family that I had planned to be among the central topic of the evening. He's the vampire that I believed is the main source and reason behind most of Spike's issues and problems with himself. And from the information I had gathered about my client and his family and how they treated each other, combined with the information I got out of his ranting, I was able to positively conclude that he was indeed suffering from severe issues of Co-dependency that had been developing since that night of his turning.

At that moment I tried remembering my school days and what I read about a co-dependent person.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to "be themselves." Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs, or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

Low self-esteem? If you look beyond the arrogance and false bravado, check. Drugs, alcohol intake, and nicotine usage? Not sure about drugs but by the smell of cigarettes and vodka coming off him, that's another check. Workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity? Well not sure about Spike being a workaholic and a gambler but indiscriminate sexual activity gains him another check.

I remembered the other stuff about co-dependency in my head, and noted exactly how correct my diagnosis was.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need; often covering for their faults or accepting their abuse with thoughts that they are helping the individual heal.

The memory of how he dismissed his current lover's abuse towards him, making it seem that what the Slayer did to him in the alley was nothing, and being willing to go through with his relationship with her, despite the incident happening, had brought to mind these words.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.

From the memory of what I had studied of co-dependency, I realized exactly what I needed to do to help Spike. It made my job easier now that I knew where to focus my efforts in helping him.

Now, if only I can convince him to follow my lead for the treatment and accept my diagnosis, then things would be more simple.

(O.O)

Spike

"That wanker Angel! He always made my unlife miserable and even when he's no longer there, he's still fucking with me! First with Dru, now with Buffy! I'm always compared to him and I can never win against him! I'll always be his second, always caught in his fucking shadow! Damn him! Damn him to all the nine circles of hell!" I screamed, and then finally stopped pacing and my face reverted to its human visage as a strong sense of defeat suddenly washed over me.

It's pointless, this pursuit of mine. I realized at that moment. Buffy will always view me as a monster 'cause that's what she'll always see 'cause Angel couldn't fucking love her without a soul.

Why? Why? Why?!

"Why what, Spike?" a voice penetrated my thoughts, bringing my mind back into the shrink's office and making me realize that I had said that last part out loud.

I turned around to see Dr. Grey looking at me with those ever kind and understanding eyes, and it broke my heart looking at them.

Why can't "she" ever look at me that way? I thought, all while thinking of the Slayer and the ever cold stare she always sent my way.

"I asked you a question, Spike. Earlier you were asking 'why', what did you mean by that? Why what, Spike?" she repeated, her gaze steady and unwavering looking straight into my eyes.

I didn't want to answer her because I thought that the answer I would give her was private and too personal. But a part of me believed that if I did tell her about it there's a huge chance I could get the answer to my questions.

I took a deep, unnecessary, and steady breath then answered her question.

"Tell me, doc, why do I always fall for Angelus' throwaways? Why can't I just love a girl who loves me back instead of getting stuck in a relationship with women who are still hung up on fucking-Angel?! I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?!"

I turned away from the doctor and started pacing again.

"And I don't mean to sound like a brag but I'm a good looking bloke, I got a body to die for and a killer accent that would make both men and women wet themselves in their pants, and yet I can't find someone that would interest me enough to pursue them! I know that I could get anyone I like. I can even make them fall in love with me. And yet I still end up falling in love with someone whose heart still belongs to Angel!"

I stopped again and turned back to look at Dr. Grey.

"So tell me, doc. Please. Tell me why I am like this," I pleaded and hoped that I can get an answer to all these questions from this person who I was beginning to think might help me.

I stared into her eyes and waited for her to answer. She gave me a contemplative look and shifted in her seat, sitting up straighter, before she opened her mouth.

"Spike," she started, "You ask me why you always fall in love with women that came from Angel, but there's just no easy way to answer that question that wouldn't either hurt you or make you angry. So I'm gonna answer that question in a roundabout fashion by asking you a question. "

I was confused about what she just said at first and then I became angry.

What the hell do you mean that you'll answer my question with another question? I was asking you the question in the first place because I couldn't answer it, now you want me to answer another one?!

For the first time since I started this therapy stuff, I had wanted to sock this woman for saying something so stupid, and if it weren't for the chip, I really would've done it.

So I went to the next big thing to hurt this woman. I started to open my mouth to insult the living hell out of the irritating doctor, only I didn't get a chance to because she continued.

"Why do want to be like Angel so much?" she suddenly asked.

I was startled and practically paused with my mouth hanging open. Once the question finally sunk in, an indignant rage overtook me.

"I'm not trying to be like bloody Angel!" I yelled at her. I was about to say more when she followed up with another question.

"Then why would you say that you love women who came from him? I mean you said so yourself that you can get any other kind of woman, or man at that, to fall in love with you if you really wanted, and yet why did you still choose to love this Drusilla or Buffy?"

I paused, yet again, and contemplated her questions. I know for a fact that I am not doing anything to be like Angel. Maybe in the past, but bloody hell, I stopped imitating the bastard as soon as he left the group and I only tried to do things like him because it brought me closer to Dru. I never wanted to be like that bastard. It's why I hunted Slayers in the first place because I wanted to prove that I had my own thing and I wasn't a poor imitation of Angelus.

I thought more intently on the question the doctor gave me and it made me realize that while I love both Dru and Buffy, I never wanted them because they belonged to Angel. I have my reasons for being attracted to these two beautiful women.

"I don't want them because of Angel," I started to say, "Hell, I don't love them because I am trying to take away Angelus' women as he told me many times in the past. If I was doing that, then I would've fallen for Darla too." Realization finally sank in.

Damn, this reverse psychology crap actually does work. I thought as I realized that she was simply using that method on me to help me get to the conclusion that Angel had nothing to do with me falling in love with Buffy and Dru, hence answering my question with another question.

"That's right, you don't love them because they once belonged to Angel, that's just circumstantial, but it does open the question on why you love these women in the first place."

I snorted. "Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment," I told her.

"And are you? A glutton for punishment?"

"No!" I answered loudly, before lowering my voice to say the next words with a hint of uncertainty. "At least I don't think so."

She gave me a satisfied smile. I think she is seeing something I'm not and it was irritating me. But I said nothing and waiting for her to explain what she found out about me.

"You're right, Spike. You're not a glutton for punishment, although I am sure you enjoy your fair share of dominance games. But I know for a fact that you don't enjoy getting hurt, especially in the heart."

I let out a small smile when she spoke of such sex games, but it disappeared just as soon as I heard those last words.

She was right, yet again. I don't like getting hurt. Even though I kept telling Dru and Buffy that I didn't mind a little pain in my relationship with them, it didn't mean I enjoyed getting heartbroken with the way they rejected and always compared me to my bastard of a Grandsire. It's just that I wanted to make us work that I allowed them to stomp on my heart as many times as they please just so we could stay together.

Yeah, and look where that's gotten you now? In a room with a shrink that you're paying to keep you from accidentally offing yourself.

When Dru's affair with that chaos demon happened, I'd had had enough of having my heart broken by her. And so I left her, but I knew that deep down I still loved her. A new wave of pain overtook me.

Is that what would happen to Buffy and me? Am I doomed to suffer the same fate with her as my relationship with Dru?

A sudden feeling of dread took over me.

I didn't want that. God, I didn't want that. I didn't think I could survive if such a thing happened.

"How about you tell me why you love Drusilla and Buffy in the first place, Spike before you jump to whatever conclusions you are thinking that is making you have that look?"

I look back at her, teary-eyed and surprised that she was able to read my negative thoughts and absorbed her question before answering.

"Well, for Dru, it's because she's my Sire, my sweet plum and dark princess. She was my world and, when Angelus and Darla left, in her insane little way, I had been hers. We only had each other and that had been the best years of my unlife. I had a sense of purpose, a mission to take care of Dru and to love her and be anything she wanted me to be."

"So you loved her first out of gratitude and obligation, and then when you were left alone with her, you loved the way it felt to have someone to take care of. You loved the sense of completion she gave you when you were able to either make her happy or contented with living with you, which are feelings you believed she never felt while she had been with Angelus. It had been rewarding for you when you felt needed."

Well, if she put it like that, it does sound that I never really loved Dru at all.

"But I also love her long hair, her beauty, and grace, and sometimes I find her childish behaviors endearing," I told her.

But I knew it was a sad attempt to disprove her previous words but I had to try. Otherwise, I'd be forced to deal with the reality that I wasted a century of my unlife on maintaining a relationship with a woman that I subconsciously loved out of obligation and pity.

"I'm sure you did, Spike. But I know you know that those details about Drusilla are not what made you stay with her all those years," she said with a sad smile.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

"Don't get angry or blame yourself, Spike," she stated.

"What do you mean 'don't get angry or blame myself'?! Of course, I'd be angry and blame myself for it! I'm the one who wasted all these years doing all those degrading, infuriating, insulting things for a woman, who didn't bloody love me, for nothing because I didn't even love her either!"

Hot tears started falling from my eyes again, this time they were from anger and hurt and regret for all those wasted years.

"I've always lived up to her every expectation and did every insane whim of hers. I-I accepted her insults and sexual tortures just to please her. I've changed my entire image, created Spike, just for her, just so she would accept me; accept the monster I was so she'd stop comparing me to bloody Angel. And-and now-I-I"

I couldn't finish. I had been too overwhelmed with pain. Mourning for all those years that I've lost and all those opportunities that I'd missed. I don't know how long I just stood there and cried my bleeding eyes out like a bloody ponce in front of the good doctor nor did I care, because for once, since I became a vampire, I finally let go of the big bad image and simply reverted to the silly little romantic and sensitive poet I had once been, and just wept.

I was still crying when I suddenly felt the doctor's arms wrapped around me. She lay my head on her shoulder and rubbed my back while comforting me with words that told me that it was alright to cry and that everything would be alright for me in the end.

And for some reason, despite how odd I found it, I was comforted by her words and believed in what she just said.

TBC

(O.O)