DeAmonQuEen: Hi guys sorry for the lateness. I have school, but hey, at least I was able to finally post this chapter! Anyway, you can read it now and hope you enjoy this chapter!
Oh, and before I forget special thanks to my Beta, djellibabe, for helping me with this fic. And another special thanks and belated Happy Birthday to TamaraJagellovsk for being a great fan of this fic and inspiring me to update. Your PM was the reason that my brain pushed to finish this chapter. Sorry though that I didn't make it on your birthday, I finished on that day but I had to give it to my Beta to edit it for me, but I hope you will enjoy this chapter!
(O.O)
Buffy
I just got home from work when Giles called to inform me that the demon he had mentioned nearly a week ago was gonna do its dimension eating ritual at midnight tonight.
Which was great because not only was I gonna be smelling like overused cooking oil because I hadn't had time to shower before I left the house but now I was also gonna be running around town looking for this stupid demon too! Just perfect!
God, I hate my life!
I sighed as I entered the Magic Box to tell the gang about Giles' phone call and also to ask if they found anything regarding the demon. Sadly the only thing my friends were able to find out about this beast was its name, which was something I could barely pronounce, and what kind of ritual it was gonna do, which was a name I didn't think I could say, that would result in this dimension's destruction but aside from that they got zilch.
"What about Spike?" Anya, Xander's fiance, suddenly said out loud. We all looked at her and stared at the former demon. "What I mean is what about Spike, maybe he knows where this demon is or at least has an idea where you can start looking for it."
"Great idea, honey! I bet deadboy knows something about this world-ending-demon," Xander said agreeing with his girlfriend. "Why haven't we thought of asking him in the first place?"
Because some of us, namely me, have been trying to forget about him because of the last encounter I had with him.
Of course, instead of forgetting I started remembering the last time I saw Spike and what I did and said to him, and guilt once again went into my heart at how I had treated him.
I came to him that night because my insecurities got the better of me. Seeing Spike with another woman, who had made him smile the way she did, hurt me more than I could admit. It had been that moment that had proven to me that I did care for the vampire and I was very afraid of the thought of losing him. So I came to his crypt and waited, or more specifically hoped, for him to show, and he didn't disappoint, as usual. He came home and started off with some leering remark, that I no longer really remember, only to stop upon realizing that I was crying. He then comforted me and even promised never to leave my side, to which I replied with the only way I thought I could, to show how grateful I was of what he did and that was through sex.
I had sex with him and that wasn't so unusual, because I did that a lot lately since my return. The only thing that set that night different from the others was that I stuck around and had let him hold me. It was-nice. I could at least admit to that. I liked the feel of his arms wrapped around me, it made me safe and at peace. It even, for a short moment, reminded me of heaven.
Which is wigsome because-hello, vampire! Child of evil and such. I'm not supposed to feel at peace with him. He's evil and unclean and all those adjectives that I would associate with badness.
But that night-I didn't want to see such things. I pretended that he wasn't a soulless thing and let him just "love" me. I let whatever false emotion he was feeling for me shine through a simple embrace and I liked it. I was at peace with it.
But it was wrong. Letting evil touch me and enjoying it made me wrong, and I didn't want that. God, how I don't want that. I want to be good and I let Spike make me feel such emotions from him. And again, it was wrong! It's not supposed to be like that. I'm not suppose to enjoy being loved by evil things.
I remember all of this the next day. I told him it was a mistake but he wouldn't let it go, and as usual, he acted like the same annoying Spike that I knew and pestered me to be with him again, to give "US" a chance, to accept the darkness that was him, but I can't. I couldn't. I shouldn't. But he wouldn't understand that. So I ended up yelling at him, and telling him stuff that I didn't mean, like him failing to protect my friends while I wasn't there and not being good for Dawn. I ended up telling him cruel things, things that even I know would've hurt. Then I added salt to the wound by telling him he was no longer allowed to see Dawn.
I knew for a fact that if there was one thing that I believed that Spike genuinely cared for, it was my sister. I knew he'd never let anything happen to her, and he'd proven that more times during the Glory debacle and even more over the summer I was gone. But I had been serious that I wanted Dawn to have a normal life, one that I never got the chance to have and one that didn't involved Slaying and vampires, and she couldn't have that with him around, he'd be the constant reminder of the things that went bump in the night. It was bad enough that she lived with a Slayer who went home with blood or demon goo in her shirt, she didn't need to have a vampire who always regaled about his evilness. So that's why I wanted to stop them from seeing each other. But instead of properly explaining this reason to the two of them, I ended up being a cold hearted bitch to my sister and slamming into Spike's face the lies of how terrible he was with Dawn.
I know I had hurt them both and it was obvious by how the two of them avoided me. Dawn wasn't talking to me and wouldn't even stay within the same room with me unless she had to, and Spike? Well, I haven't seen him since I left the crypt that morning. He hasn't even tried stalking me or joining me during patrols, and I knew it was because of what I did. I could've gone and apologized to him and explained myself better but I didn't because I wasn't sure how to do that.
"Buffy? Are you okay?" Willow's voice penetrated through my thoughts.
"Huh? I mean-why wouldn't I be?" I asked trying to act as though I was alright, so I wouldn't worry them, and it was taking a lot out of me just to act that way.
God, even being a good friend was so tiresome. I really am sick.
"Um, well you were kinda being all distract-o girl a few moments ago," she pointed out. "Are you okay?"
Damn, so much for not worrying them. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.
"Uh, yeah. I was just thinking how I really wanted to take a shower since I stink of fast food," I said dumbly with a smile.
That's right, Buffy, deflect those questions. We don't want them to know about your forbidden trysts with a certain vampire.
"Oh, okay. Well, anyway, we all think that we should try and ask Spike about this demon," Willow said, with a bit of uncertainty in her voice.
"Or you know, get him to help locate it?" Anya added.
I nodded. "Yeah, good idea," I answered them.
I then heard a loud snort from behind me making me turn around and noticed the arrival of my little sister at the shop with Tara, who standing behind her with a worried look on her face.
"You hypocrites!" she told us. "Sure, he's a bad influence alright. He's evil and soulless and all that and yet the first sign of a big bad you all turn to him for help."
"Hey, Dawnster!" Xander greeted and tried to ignore her previous words, but Dawn would have none of that.
"Shut up, Xander. You're the biggest hypocrite of all. You're the one who always insults Spike and puts him down when he's around but when your big butt needed saving over the summer Spike always helped you."
"Hey, I don't always insult dead boy-err I mean-Spike." He looked ashamed for a moment because of the little slip of tongue. "Okay I do insult him, but only because the guy deserves it."
"Exactly when did he deserve to always be insulted by you? For the matter when does anyone deserve to always be insulted, Xander?"
"He deserves it because he's evil, Dawn."
"He WAS evil, Xander, but now the only evil thing he can do is either insult you in return, but even that couldn't be considered evil enough. So how can you tell or judge someone and declare them to be evil, huh?" She crossed her arms and glared at my friend.
"Well, besides for the fact he tried to kill us a few years ago, he also killed a lot of people before. So I'm thinking I am a pretty good judge of when someone's evil."
"Wow. That's fascinating, Xander. So what exactly does that make the woman you are gonna marry now? She's killed more people than Spike, considering she's hundreds of years older than him."
"Anya's different. She's human now and-"
"And still unrepentant to all of the evil deeds she committed. In fact if you asked her at this moment she'd even tell you that she actually enjoyed most of her vengeance wishes she fulfilled." Her gaze then came to Anya. "Right, Anya?"
"Well, not most of them, but yes, I do feel proud of a lot of wishes I have fulfilled." The ex-demon smiled happily. "My most favorite was a tie between putting a man's testicles on his chin and feeding him his own penis, the other was a-"
"Thanks, Anya. But I think you should save the story telling later for Xander."
"Alright and you are welcome."
"See what I mean? You're marrying someone who was once evil, yet you have the audacity to judge Spike and call him a heartless killer, when your fiance has killed more people than him and doesn't even feel bad about it."
Xander fell silent after that and simply squirmed under her glare. She huffed when she saw that none of us was gonna argue with her any more. She gave one final glare to my friends and directed a disappointed look at me before she headed towards the basement door where Anya told her to do inventory.
Once Dawn left the room with a loud slam of the basement's door, Willow was the one who broke the silence.
"I guess Dawnie is still angry at being forbidden to see Spike, huh?" she said with a small smile.
"You could say that," I told her, my eyes never leaving the room. The look that Dawn gave me still replayed in my head.
"Buffy, you really shouldn't make too much of a big deal to what Dawn said. She's just a kid after all," Xander told me, "She doesn't know what she's saying."
What he just said stirred a deep seated anger that was in my heart.
Who was he to call my sister a kid and imply that she didn't know what she was saying. Wasn't he listening earlier? Dawn's logic was so sound and her point was well said. Xander was marrying an ex-demon who doesn't feel sorry about what she'd done and was once evil. So who was he to judge people and call them evil too? He really was indeed a hypocrite.
"Is that what you tell yourself when you go to bed with an ex-demon, Xander? Or when she doesn't feel sorry for all the people she's hurt or all the blood she's spilled?" I snapped at him, shifting my gaze towards my friend. He looked surprised at what I just said then hurt. "You really are a hypocrite," I finished.
He must not have expected me to take Dawn's side for his expression turned indignant.
"Hey, pot-Buffy stop calling the kettle black. Remember once upon a time you were the one who consorted with an ex-evil mass murdering vampire? At least Anya wouldn't go back to being a killer after I've slept with her," he snapped back. And this time I was the one who was surprised and hurt at what he said.
Guess he hasn't forgiven me for what happened between Angel and I as he always said he did.
Then I became a bit alarmed since at the moment I was currently sleeping with another ex-evil mass murdering vampire.
God, I really am messed up. I'm a big hypocrite and also someone who doesn't learn from her previous mistakes.
"You're right, Xander," I said, feeling tired all of a sudden. "I guess I should've said that all of us really are hypocrites." I directed him with a disappointed look, the same one Dawn directed at me before she left, that then changed into a sad expression. "But I don't have time to change that, because of this looming apocalypse that I have to stop all by myself and all the other stuff I've got piled up for me to do since I was brought back. Since YOU ALL brought me back. So I'll go now, ask for the ex-evil mass murdering vampire's help and be a hypocrite, as Dawn said I was, and stop this apocalypse like the good little slayer you all want me to be, because that's the only thing I am apparently good at."
I left the shop after that, not really caring about Xander's reaction to what I said, and headed out to the only place I knew where someone, who wouldn't judge me or expect stuff from me, would be. Because at least with him I didn't have to worry so much about being a none caring hypocratic bitch because he'd accept whatever I'd throw at him and he'd still "love" me for it no matter what.
As walked to Spike's crypt it never occurred to me that the vampire might not want me there or whether or not he might still be angry at me for what I did during our last encounter. I just didn't care enough for any of that because I just wanted to be with Spike, the only one who could give that moment of peace, that was strangely similar to heaven, and allowed me to simply be myself.
His "love" may not be real but at least he doesn't make me feel like a shit for a human being.
(O.O)
Xander
Okay I'll admit, I may have been a bit of an ass a few moments ago, when I slammed in Buffy's face her epic failure of a relationship with Angel, but what was I supposed to do in that situation?
Her sister had just pointed out to me something I hadn't want to think about regarding my fiance and, not a few moments after that, she repeated her own version of Dawn's words. So I just kinda lost my temper and got pushed to say such harsh things to her.
I know it doesn't excuse what I did, because no matter how I look at it, I still hurt Buffy. And I kinda realized it the moment I saw how the expressions on her face changed from surprise to hurt to disappointment to saddness until it closed off all together. It was at that moment I regretted what I said and wanted to take them back but she didn't give me a chance. After she suddenly agreed with me and told me I was right, not about Dawn being wrong though but more on her also being a hypocrite, she left the shop and had gone to face the demon all by herself.
I had wanted to go after her but I didn't because, seriously, what was I gonna tell her?
I may not have wanted to hurt her but I had meant what I said about her also being a hypocrite. She had no right to go and side with Dawn on her ideals about Anya. I mean, sure my future wife was once a demon but she wasn't now and she was no longer actively trying to be evil, so that should at least mean something to them? Yet they would use her to point out that I was a hypocrite because I wouldn't be nice to Spike?!
Spike who was a demon, a fact that I wasn't gonna change anytime soon, and had tried to kill us a lot of times a few years ago. He may be fighting on our side now but the chip's the only thing that's stopping him from going back to the evil demon that he once was. I was just being the realist of all of us when I would refuse to be nice to the vampire, because I seem to be the only one out of everyone who still remembers what he was. If I stopped doing what I'm doing then we might end up regretting it when the time comes that Spike finally gets free of the chip and starts killing all of us.
I can understand Dawn not understanding why I do what I do or why I act the way I act around Spike, because, as I said earlier, she's just a kid. She doesn't know any better and had formed a weird kind of friendship with the vampire because of how she and the bleached menace had been so close over the summer. But Buffy agreeing with her was a different story.
She should know better than to trust a demon. I mean, it wasn't that long ago that she had forgotten this fact and trusted Angel and look what that had gotten her and everyone of us. Ms. Calendar died and so did a lot of innocent people when Angelus got lose. But that wasn't her biggest mistake, because even I could freely admit that I was also guilty for trusting the vampire at the time. Her biggest mistake was the fact that her trust and love for the monster was what had stopped her from hunting down the bastard and just killing him before things got worse. It was her feelings for him that resulted in Angelus being a bigger problem than he should have been when he had turned evil. I mean, sure she was still the one who killed him, but it only happened when the asshole thought about destroying the world. Had she not hesitated she could've saved a lot of people, but she did hesitate and all those bad things happened.
So yeah, I kind of hurt her by reminding her of that mistake of hers but she needed to hear it otherwise she'd end up seeing dead boy junior the same way Dawn does and that's the last thing I want to happen.
Spike's a demon and a vampire at that, so he shouldn't be trusted. But it's so easy to forget this because he doesn't act like your regular vamp. He eats people food, watches daytime soaps, plays pool, reads really old poetry and befriends and takes care of a mourning teenager. He protected us during he summer Buffy was-gone, and helped out on watching Dawn and the Hellmouth, which wasn't an easy task since that summer was the first summer we ever had where we had to actually actively protect Sunnydale because of those demons that got away from the portal that Dawn's blood opened. Anyway, going back, he did all of this and more and, like I said, it had been easy to forget what he was. But we shouldn't forget. We shouldn't let our guard down on him, even if he was funny and a decent pool player. He was still a monster in a cage just waiting to be set free, so that's why I'll stay the way I am and continue to treat him the way I do because someone has to be the one to remind everyone about this beast trying to blend in with us.
So I'll be the villain in the group, I'll let my friends and Dawnie get angry at me. I'll let them tell me what a big jerk and a hypocrite I am. I don't care, I know what I am doing, and I know that what I am doing is the right thing.
"Hey, are you okay?" Willow suddenly asked placing a hand on my shoulder shaking me out of my musing.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine! I'm just a bit guilty though for saying such things to Buffy, you know?" I told my friend.
"Yeah, you were a bit of a poophead earlier. But I do think your heart was in the right place. I mean had you not said what you did, who knows maybe Buffy might just give Spike a chance or something, and you and I both know that is not of the good variety because-well he's a vampire and I guess we just shouldn't trust him that much," she said this as a whisper while cautiously watching the shop's basement door, where Tara had gone after Dawn.
Well, it looks like I'm not the only one, as I thought I was, who thinks it's dangerous to trust Spike.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I think. And I am glad you share the same thoughts, Wills. It's always good to have a friend on my side." I smiled at her.
"I'll always be your friend, Xander."
"Thanks, Will."
"Well, I better go downstairs and check on Dawn and Tara."
I nodded and allowed my friend to leave.
POOF!
Smoke suddenly appeared at the center of the shop that had caught my attention and within the smoke, Anya's demon friend stood.
"Hallie! Hey!" Anya greeted happily as she approached the vein-y faced demon from the cash registrar and gave her a tight hug.
"Hello, yourself Anyanka!" she replied, returning the hug.
"What are you doing here?" Anya asked her.
I turned away from the pair and ignored whatever they'd want to talk about and decided to focus my attention back on the shop's door where Buffy left. I was a bit worried again.
Maybe I should go after her. I thought as I began to worry about Buffy's safety.
I was busy contemplating the answer to that question but then stopped upon hearing some really disturbing information from Anya's vengeance demon friend.
"Wait, he said what to what?!" I asked with a loud voice, turning my attention to the giggling duo by the shelves.
"Who said what to what?" Dawn's voice suddenly resounded from the basement door before she entered the shop with Willow and Tara.
"Spike said no to Hallie' s preposition to remove his chip," Anya answered flippantly as if she was relaying some old news.
"You offered to take out his chip?" Dawn asked the demon looking really surprised.
"Of course, I did. William is an old friend and I owe him a lot. So I offered him a wish but, as I said, he said no to it."
"Bu-but why? I mean, that's like the perfect opportunity to get the chip removed. That-it just doesn't make sense!" Willow stated looking just as shocked as I was.
"Why would it not make sense? I mean, if he had the chip removed he'd have to be forced to leave Sunnydale because Buffy would definitely go after him," Anya said, "That and also because he loves Dawn and her too and I think he'd be heartbroken if he left their side. I think his decision was very logical."
"I thought so too, Anyanka! Although, I only had that conclusion after seeing William's face that night. It was very cute. Oh, boy, a hundred and thirty-one years since I had last seen him and he still looks so adorable when he is in love. Although, I was the one who he used to give those affectionate looks to, so I guess it is strange to see him be this way for someone else. I can't-"
Halfrek continued talking about how Spike used to "fancy" her and how it both made her happy and sad that the bleached vampire had found someone else to love. But I didn't really care about that, I was more focused on the fact that Spike, the demonic bane of our existence, had turned down his one chance to take out the government chip in his head and go back to being the monster I thought he was. But as Willow asked: "why would he do such a thing?". I tried to think of any kind of evil reason to explain this but at the momnt I couldn't think of one.
Damn, maybe he has changed. A stray thought came into my mind.
I immediately shook the thought away. I couldn't sway now.
The bastard was still a demon, he can still turn against us. He can still change his mind and go and try to get the chip out and kill each and everyone of us. He's still definitely evil and was just trying to deceive us. He-
I stopped, because I was beginning to lose the conviction I had a few minutes ago regarding the issue. Spike turning down the offer to get his chip out was something of a major perspective changer. It made me rethink everything I knew about the vampire and at that very moment I got flashbacks of the times he had been hanging out with us over the summer; fighting for our cause and saving our asses along the way.
"He has changed, Willow. We really need to start accepting that now," Tara's gentle voice penetrated my thoughts. She was trying to comfort Willow who was panicking really hard at what we just found out. "And this is the proof of that. He's been changing for a long time, but, I guess, we've never really taken notice of it, despite how amazing it was." She clasped my friend's hand and I guess I should be happy for them because it seems they are slowly starting to act like a couple again. But, again, I couldn't find it in me to care about that at the moment, because I was thinking about what Tara said.
He has been changing for a long time but, I guess, we've never really taken noticed of it, despite how amazing it was.
"Tara's right," Anya agreed. "It is an amazing thing for a demon to change its very nature for the sake of a Slayer and her whiny teenage sister."
"Hey!" Dawn cried out.
"But even more so is that he is slowly trying not to just be nice to Dawn and Buffy but he's trying to be agreeable with the rest of us too!" Anya continued ignoring Dawn's reaction.
"Wait, what do you mean he's trying to be agreeable with us, Ahn? He's never agreeable. He's always being mean and snarky and he always insults us!" I told my future wife, finally finding my voice and joining in the conversation.
"He is very agreeable, Xander, you just never noticed it because you never tried to be nice to him. In fact he's helped me a lot of times to obtain a few items I need for the shop and he's also agreed to pay for some of the stuff he takes. Emphasis on the some though because I haven't been able to force him to stop stealing from me altogether. But over all he's really not that bad once you get to know him better."
I had to shut up after this.
He's not that bad once you get to know him better...
Well, I don't want to get to know him! And he, too, is bad! He's a Big Bad and he will kill us once the chip's-
I stopped again, because I knew that that reason could no longer be used anymore. He choose to keep the chip. A vampire choose to be caged but for what?
"Buffy-" I said softly as realization dawned on to me. "He did it for Buffy!" I said louder than necessary thus earning everyone's attention.
"Well, duh, Xander. Halfrek just said that. He kept the chip so he could stay in town with Buffy and I," Dawn told me with her arms crossed and glare intact.
"No, what I mean is that he kept it because he thinks he can get into Buffy's pants! If Buffy finds out about him keeping the chip, then she'll definitely be seeing him in a whole different light! He thinks he could get her to sleep with him by looking like a good pet in its cage! Man, that's smart!" I stated.
"Oh, no! What are we gonna do?!" Willow asked, looking like she was having a panic attack. "Buffy's gonna go to him right now to ask his help! He could tell her about this and she might-"
"Don't worry, Wills. We'll protect Buffy and tell her ourselves," I told my friend as I went to the weapon's chest in the corner and took out a sword from inside. "Once we see her and help her fight that demon." I handed Willow a crossbow. She gave me one of her resolved face looks and I couldn't help but smile at her. She can be really brave when she wants to be and helpful too even though she no longer used magic.
"Ahn, you guys take care of yourselves while we go and help out Buffy and protect her from Dead boy junior," I told my fiance as Willow and I went towards the shop's doors.
"Oh, my god, you two are not actually serious about this plan of yours, are you?" Dawn's voice shrieked from behind us. "You two really think that Spike said NO to getting the chip removed because he wants to have sex with my sister? Are you really that thick? He's a vampire for Christ's sakes! If he really wanted to, without the chip, he could just have sex with Buffy by forcing himself on her! He doesn't have to have this very elaborate plan to seduce Buffy, in fact, we all know that Spike's not patient enough to wait that long!"
Willow stopped walking and began to look really uncertain. She turned to face me.
"She does have a point," Willow told me, "Maybe we should just wait for Buffy to come back."
"What?! NO! Will, she needs us! She needs us to protect her from Spike, from making bad decisions, from making the same mistakes she did with Angel!"
"And for the last time, Xander, Spike is not Angelus! He's not gonna go loco and kill us all in our sleep! Can't you see? Him declining the removal of his chip makes him a better man!" Dawn interjected, yet again. "And since when did you become the person who gets to protect Buffy from making bad choices?" she said as she slowly approached me. "Since when did you become the one who gets to make her decisions for her? I think it's enough that you and everyone else in this room, besides Halfrek and me, had decided to rip her out of heaven against her will. Now you're gonna go and take her ability to decide who she'd love or care about? Who the hell do you think you are, Xander Harris? You're not her dad or her brother or even Buffy's Watcher! You're just her friend who can't even see how miserable she is! You care about nothing but your own world view of things and if it doesn't fit, you throw a fit, like a freaking sissy!"
I had been staring at her while taking in all she had said, but the last part of what she said hit a cord with me, and the insulting name she called me reminded me of another person calling me such a name, that just made me loose control of myself. It made me lash out and made me do something I never thought I'd ever do.
I raised a hand to a woman.
SLAP!
"Xander!" Willow's scream called me out of my rage induced trance.
"Oh, shit! Dawn, I didn't-"
"Don't touch me!" she screamed as she took a step back from me while she cupped her reddened cheek, before running to the counter, picking up her bag then she ran again and this time towards the door that lead outside.
"Dawn!" Tara called out before picking up her things too and racing after the girl, but not before she said something that hit my heart deeper than any blade could pierce. "I'm disappointed in you two, especially you, Xander. I thought you were a better man, at least I've never seen Spike raise a hand to Dawn or even tried to, that would earn him a headache. So I think you need to properly think about what you're gonna do before doing it and also try to get your facts straight before you jump to the conclusions of Buffy being the one who needs protection. If you can remember, she's a big girl, she doesn't need our protection or people deciding things for her, she can do all that on her own. But she has been through a lot and she's still adjusting with coming back from heaven, so what she really needs is our love and support not an intervention. You'll only drive her further away from you that way. Think about it before you two leave and go after her and ruin whatever tentative trust she still has for you, because god knows you two seem to always think she's okay with everything you've done to her."
She left after that, and we simply stood there, looking at the door, and just felt awful about ourselves. Willow looked like she got kicked in the behind and thrown out of her house. And of course, I wasn't any different. Well, I wasn't really sure what I looked like but I am pretty sure I was sharing the same emotions with her, which was mostly self hate and guilt.
Tara was right, I was a disappointment and even Spike was looking like a better man than me, and that. I thought I was okay with being the villian in the group, but I really am not. I don't want to hurt my friends, make them think I'm a jerk? Yes. But hurt them? That's not what I want to happen, yet I still let that happen tonight. I hurt Buffy, I hurt Dawn and even Willow lost what blooming relationship she and Tara had for each other because of my abrasive and hasty decision to go after Buffy to try to protect her from an evil I should know she could handle and also, at the same time, run her life for her, the life we all had forced on her.
"Seriously, Anyanka. I really don't know what you see in him," Halfrek's voice startled me from my inner musing. "He's sad, pathetic and stupid. He's a bully and a brute, who thinks he can control everyone just because he's suppose to be the man in the house." I flinched at what she was saying. How is it her description of me reminds me so much of another Mr. Harris that I know of? "Frankly, I think it is ironic you are going to marry someone who is shockingly similar to those men you used to place your vengeance on."
"Shut up! You don't know anything about me!" I screamed at her in angry frustration. I really didn't like what I was hearing from her mouth.
"Ooh, I'm scared. What are you gonna do, big guy? Gonna slap me around like you did to that poor kid, who was only trying to defend her friend and sister from your stupidity? If so, just remember that I slap back and with much greater force." Her face shifted back to her demonic one, but that didn't really scare me, instead, seeing the demonic look on her face, made it okay for me to want to fight back.
I took a step forward and was about to launch myself at the demonic bitch and use my sword against her when I felt hands grab my elbow stopping me mid step. I turned to snap at whoever was holding me when I came to see the teary face of my bestfriend.
"Stop it, Xander, just stop! Don't be stupid! She's not worth losing you life over to! Don't let her do that to you. Don't give in to that darkness," Willow told me, "You're better than that!"
Am I? I thought as I looked down at my friend.
Her words registered with me, and they suddenly made me realize just how wrong I really was in the first place. I wasn't trying to protect anyone from a monster, I was controlling everyone, namely Buffy, and being the monster. I was cruel and a bully to a being weaker than me, because I knew he couldn't hurt me or fight back. And even though, I knew deep down that Spike had changed, well not a lot but I knew he was no longer the same demon he once was, I was never as impressed by it as I should be, because instead of feeling amazed by the changes he's been going through, I was threatened by them. Not because I thought he was being deceptive or such, but more because deep down I was subconsciously thinking that if I allowed him in our group, I'd be the one they'd kick out.
Spike was great at everything he did. He was a skilled fighter, a good listener and advice giver, a loyal friend to Dawn and I knew that underneath the big bad exterior lay a really smart guy who knew a lot of foreign and demonic languages and was skilled in English and History and was a really good teacher to Dawn. So if he had been human, he'd be the perfect Scoobie in the group. He could keep up with the demon fighting thing, and at the same time he was a real good researcher. He's like Giles and Buffy all rolled in one and I think-no, I know, that I hated that about him. I'm jealous of him, and I think it's why I act the way I do around him, it's why I'd hate to trust Spike because if I did, or once I do trust him, I was no longer gonna be the man in the house. He'd be the one to take my place and I'd be pushed in the sidelines. I'd be a Zeppo again.
So that's the real reason why I didn't like Spike. He was gonna take everything from me and I just didn't want that. I didn't want to lose my place in the group.
Yeah, we'll you didn't need his help to lose your place, you did a splendid job at that yourself.
I insulted Buffy, hit Dawn and disappointed Tara. I've even almost attempted to kill Anya's friend and maid-of-honor. I really am a horrible man, just like my father. I really don't think I'd blame those two if they decide not to see me anymore. Hell, I don't think I'd blame any of my friends if they'd choose to leave me. I felt my eyes begin to water as the reality of being left alone dawned to me. I released the sword I've been holding and just stood there feeling tired and defeated.
I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown when I suddenly felt someone hug me. So I looked down and saw that it had been Anya who was holding me. She gave me a gentle and loving smile.
"I love you, Xander. But you need to stop acting like a jerk because everyone will be angry with you if you continue being like this. And we don't want that because no one will come to our wedding if you keep acting in such a way. And if no one comes then we'll lose all of our gifts!" she said looking really upset at such a prospect. I was about to tell her off about how it was rude to only want people at our wedding because of the gifts but held my mouth because of what she said next. "Besides, you have nothing to be afraid of. Even if Dawn and Buffy start siding with Spike and he becomes their whatever, and even if everyone will leave you, I'll still stay with you, by your side, all the way, because, like I said, I love you, Alexander Harris, despite all your flaws and imperfections, your my perfect man," she stated with conviction and pure honesty that it made me feel loved.
"I love you too, Ahn," I told her hugging her back.
I may have screwed things up with Buffy and Dawn, and I am sorry for that and will definitely try to fix that when I see them again. But I am still lucky to be loved by this wonderful woman in front of me. Anya was the one, I knew this despite the fact I was still terrified at the prospect of marrying her, and what she said just now proved this fact to me more than anything. So she was once demon, so she was a bit too vulgar and over shared our sex life, and so she doesn't feel sorry for all the people she's killed or maimed with her vengeance. Those things didn't matter to me, they icked me and made me uncomfortable when we talked about it, but they never had been enough to make me want to leave her. I love this woman and that's that. You don't chose the ones you love, you just love them, and if you get lucky and they loved you in return, you don't ever let them go.
It was in this moment that I finally understood why Buffy hesitated killing Angel. He may had been evil at the time but she loved him and he had loved her, when the soul was intact. So she had a hard time finding it in her to kill him early because she held on to that small hope that her lover would return to her. If I had been in her place and Anya was the evil one, I guess I'd do the same thing. Or die trying to get her back. It was the normal thing to do when you're in love, and not a mistake, so I guess I shouldn't have rubbed it in her face what she did. And Dawn-well, I knew she had been really annoying lately since she has been constantly complaining about how we were unfair towards Spike but only now do I finally see her point and realize that she was right to act that way and say such things to us. We have been unfair but not just towards dead boy junior but also towards her. She may just be a child but she at least was mature enough to notice our flaws and point them out to us. Yet we always either ignore her or shut her down because she was a kid. But Dawn deserves more than that because she's a good kid and she's been through more than any child her age has been through and that gives her the right to at least be respected, or the very least be understood and listened to.
"Damn, I really screwed things up, didn't I, honey?" I asked looking down at my fiance.
"Well, if you mean screw up that isn't the sexy kind but the one where you did something horrible that hurt your friends and possibly break up your friendship with them. Then yes, you screwed up very very much."
I flinched at what she said. Brutal honesty, I couldn't have expected anything less from my beloved Anya.
"But don't worry, baby. I'm sure everyone will forgive you if you grovel at them real well. But not too well because I don't want you doing the kind of groveling you do with me, that's saved only for me." I could not help but smile at her because of that. The memory of that really was a major turn on. "And you also need to find a compromise to your Spike vendetta, that got you in this situation in the first place."
Yeah, I kind of been thinking the same thing. I'll be a bit nicer to Spike and try and encourage him to be a better man or at least not make fun of his efforts to change .
"So over all if you do this then, I'm sure everything will be okay. If not, then you can just ask Willow to help you bake those apology cookies she's so good at making, maybe that will be enough."
At that I let out a choked up laughed, while giving a quick and amused glance at my red haired friend beside me. She was looking a bit indignant, but not really complaining about what Anya said, which was a good sign, if you ask me. I looked back at my fiance who was staring at me in confusion because she didn't understand why I was laughing. But instead of answering I merely dipped my head and gave her a real and deep kiss on the lips. When we separated, I had to hold her tighter to make sure she still remained standing.
She's the only woman I know that still got jelly legged each time I kissed her.
"God, I love you," I whispered affectionately to her, yet again.
"I love you too, Xander," she whispered back.
"Thank you for being in my life, Anya, and for helping me realize what an ass I really was earlier."
"I thought you realized that when you hit Dawn earlier?" She looked innocent as she said this.
She doesn't even know how much she just helped me just now.
I gave her a sad smile. "Yeah, me slapping Dawn was a real eye opener and I will do everything I can to make that right and apologize to her. But what really made me see my full mistake was you and Willow." I looked at my friend who gave me a tentative smile.
"And me!" Halfrek added.
I glared at the demon, who had returned to her human visage and was looking really bored, but I didn't disagree.
She did help a bit by calling me names and making me see who exactly I was turning into. But just a little.
"Okay, you, Willow, and Halfrek helped me. Halrek pointed out my faults. Willow stopped me from attacking her and getting myself killed. But it was you, who really helped the most."
I stared deeply into her beautiful hazel eyes that were so full of love, and I just realized that I want those eyes to always look at me that way. And in order to keep them that way I knew I needed to change and be a better man for her. '
I'm not my father's son, never was never will be.
I had always promised myself that I was never gonna be like him. But earlier, when I had slapped Dawn, it made me see the possibility that I could still be just like him. I could still be an abusive controlling asshole too, even though I didn't want to be. Earlier when I noticed this I had lost hope of ever changing my fate, until Anya said the things she said and had made me realize that I had something that was worth fighting for and a reason to avoid becoming that man.
"It was you who stopped me from really giving up on myself. Your love is what brought me back and is making me want to change to be better and not be someone like my father. So yeah, thank you all-" I looked back up at Willow and Halfrek before returning my gaze on Anya. "-and thank you, honey. And again, I love you."
"Aw, you're welcome, Xander, and again, I love you too."
I want to change and I will change, for Anya, for my friends and most importantly for myself. So yeah, starting tonight, I am gonna be a different man, a better man! Because if a soulless demon could change then so could I! And I shall start my change by doing what Dawn has been telling me to do all this time, and that is by being nicer to Spike! Of course that is only if I can get Buffy and Dawn to forgive me, and-oh, also if Buffy and Spike can stop the world from ending. So I am crossing my fingers for both of those things.
TBC
(O.O)
A/N: Well, that's it! Hope you enjoyed the update and leave a review because they inspire me to update early. Hope to see ya all in the next one! Bye for now!