(O.O)
Spike
She had came into my crypt and asked me to join her hunt down a demon that was supposed to end the world tonight, and I followed her without question, as I always did. But something was off about the girl tonight.
She seemed to be more closed off than usual. She gave me an expressionless look as she asked for my help, and was simply moving through the motions as we searched for this demon. She didn't say anything except to ask me questions on where we'd go to search for this demon next, and even that conversation was short and to the point. It was unsettling, seeing her act like this, because it was much worse than how she acted when she first came back, at least back then she was at least showing me some sort of emotion; pain and resentment mostly. But now, she was showing off nothing, not a change in expression or a change in the rhythm of her heartbeat. It was like interacting with a bloody machine, only this one was actually alive but was simply acting more of a robot than the bot that that wanker Warren had built for me.
Something bad must've happened to her while I wasn't around.
I would've asked what was wrong with her. In fact, I had half a mind to do just that. But I stopped myself. I was busy dealing with my own problems at the moment and I wasn't in the mood to spend time helping the Slayer go through with whatever caused her to act this way. I still had an assignment I had to answer but, for the life of me, I couldn't do so.
It was so bloody hard and her presence wasn't helping much in me finding the answer to that question.
I began to think back on my sessions with my psychiatrist last Friday night. It had been in that session that I was able to suss out that something was truly wrong with the way I loved people. The doctor made me first realized how wrong I had been in how I had handled my relationship with Dru.
Of course we only had that talk after I had bawled my eyes out over the fact that I had wasted a century with a woman I only loved out of gratitude and pity.
Anyway, going back, apparently, according to the good doctor I loved too much and such a thing, though was not usually was a bad thing, was not a good one for the likes of me, especially since apparently I often misinterpret my feelings for love.
Of which I had argued with her because-really, how does one misinterpret "love"?
Of course she then gave me a discourse about the many types of love, and apparently there are a lot of ways for someone to love a person, hence why there are also a lot of ways of showing love. She nearly lost me at this part, but then she used my relationship with Dru as an example I immediately got what she meant.
More because her point hit very close to home, so the message was immediately received.
I had loved Dru, that's what she told me. Only I loved her either out of gratitude or loyalty, that had been associated by my turning into a vampire. Soon that love changed, after seeing the woman that she was and hearing about what Angelus had done to her. My false sense of romanticism and my caretaker nature, was triggered by this and it had made me want to protect and watch over her. Add the years that she and I had been together, I slowly created the misconception that Dru had been the love of my life and thus made me give her everything I had and did everything I could to be the kind of man she wanted, which were, according to the doctor, behaviors I had developed to conpensate how I had been rejected by the last woman I loved when I had been alive.
Anyway, it was because of this misconception that I had handled my relationship wrongly. I had thought that I was doing everything for the love of my life but in reality she was never that person and I never really loved her that much.
Which had hurt when I heard it.
This then opened our discussions on having a healthy relationship with someone. She used the relationships I had with my mother, Cecily and Dru to point out that I had tendency to commit or, in Cecily's case, have a willingness to commit into a relationship with people who I first started to love either out of duty, obligations and gratitude, and because of this I never saw any flaws in what we had because I only cared for what they wanted. But that is not how relationships were suppose to work.
She had told me that in a relationship it involved both parties to make it work, this time she used my relationship with Dru as an example. She said that although Dru loved me back in her insane little way, she was neither willing or capable of participating in the relationship I had with her. That's why when it ended I was the only one who really felt the loss because it had been, since the very beginning, a one-sided relationship. And such a relationship was not a healthy one.
It was then I had began to analyze my relationship with Buffy and I saw that we had some similarities to my relationship with Dru, because in our relationship, it also seemed that I was the only one trying to make it work. When I mentioned this Dr. Grey told me that it was best if I talked to Buffy about this because now I can see that there was indeed something wrong with what we have and it was best that we tried to find a solution to it together, like a normal couple would.
But how does one broach such a subject with a partner who wouldn't even admit that the relationship existed?
I asked the doctor this and she had looked thoughtful about this before she answered me was a resounding: "You don't."
Apparently when a partner doesn't want to participate in the relationship or even acknowledge it, then the relationship was indeed doomed to fail. And I guessed she just lost me on that part, where my relationship with Buffy was destined to fail due to the Slayer's reluctance to accept it, because I was too busy mourning what I had with the girl. I barely even noticed the end of our discussion until she told me that our session for that evening had ended.
I attempted to leave her office with a heavy heart and a conflicted mind. But before I got out, the good doctor gave me an assignment that would apparently help ease my mind on things involving Buffy and our relationship. I was willing to hear her out only to be disappointed when I found out that her way to ease my problems was to create another one by making me find the reasons why I loved the girl in the first place. The list was supposed to help me decide whether or not the relationship was worth continuing in the first place.
I didn't really liked the assignment, because truthfully I didn't want to find out if whether or not my love for Buffy was the same as my love for Dru or that it started like how I started to fall in love with Cecily and my sire, because then I'd feel even more depressed because I misunderstood my feelings for someone yet again. But I did it anyway, just right after I got home to my crypt because I had nothing better to do for sleep had not come to me that night after my return.
But after three days and nights of pondering on the assignment I was only able to come to one conclusion and that was that I had no idea why I loved Buffy but I knew that I didn't start to love her how I usually start to love someone as the doc said, because frankly I was neither obligated and grateful to the damn chit even though she spared my life when I came to her when I first got chipped, because she wasn't exactly the most welcoming person at the time, and also I had the inkling that I sort of loved the girl the first time we met. So it had totally ruled out my behavioral tendency to fall in love with people who I felt obligated or grateful to. It put me in a predicament when I realized that I had no basis as to why I fell in love with the Slayer, and so my list ended up with me listing the many reasons why I shouldn't love the girl, which was the opposite of what I was supposed to do.
The first in that list of why I shouldn't love Buffy was the fact she was the Slayer and I was a vampire. If our nature doesn't do us in and the fact that we're natural born enemies then her useless morals and vigilant need to do the right thing should've told me she was not right for me or that we were not meant to be.
The next on that list was that she and her friends have no respect for me whatsoever. I'm a hundred plus year old Master Vampire, my experience and skills should be an asset to their group but they all treat me like a waste of space and a fucking expendable fighter. They don't value my opinions and they often, if not always, made fun of everything I say and do, not to mention they just don't trust me. I get the not trusting part, I mean, I did try to have their lot killed far too many times in the past but that's just that, the past, because after all I have been through with them and did for them, they should at least give me a benifit of the doubt. But no, they won't do that because I was a soulless demon and that the minute I lose the chip, I'll go back to my evil ways!
Ha! Like that's possible!
I've already tested myself, a few months back, when I first thought the chip no longer worked, and found out that even if this bloody chip were to, for some miracle, stop working I wouldn't be able to return to my glorified evil self because I just didn't have it in me to kill anyone any more because every young teenage girl would remind me too much of the Bit and every older woman reminded me of Joyce, same went to every older gentleman because they were all Rupert in my eyes and the women were either Red, Glinda and demon girl, even whelp lookalikes wouldn't be enough to get me to eat them. I thought of focusing on only killing those who broke the law but then I'd see the Slayer's disappointed look and I turn sour faced at the thought of it and forgone the idea of killing anyone else that deserved to die.
Yup, murder is ruined to me by these bloody white hats.
It was also because of this that I declined Cecily's offer to take the chip out. I knew that I didn't have it in me to kill anyone anymore so why bother getting the chip out when it would just give Buffy and the Scoobies a reason to come after me.
Anyway going back, yes, the slayer not having any form of respect towards me should've been a major turn off for me but it simply didn't for reasons I can neither understand or pinpoint. Same goes to the part where she constantly abuses me, which, by the way, was the third one on my list. The bitch would come to me for my help either to kill a demon or to scratch an itch. I don't mind doing either one of those two, because I love the girl, but when I don't get so much as a thank you for doing such deeds for her then that should be a cause for concern.
I'd state more reasons but most of them are a bit of a repeating thought to the second and third reasons. But overall, my list was a big proof that I indeed had no reason to love Buffy, even worse I had no reason to continue this relationship with her. Yet I still wanted both things and I just didn't understand why. She was everything bad for me and yet, the thought of not loving her anymore and leaving her just hurt more than any insult or abuse she and her friends could cook up for me.
What I felt for Buffy was more than what I felt for Dru or anyone I ever loved in my life and unlife. This was something I was able to determine, at least, in all my musing for the past few days. But I just couldn't name whatever it is I feel for her besides calling it love which again makes me go back to the question of why I would love her in the first place.
It's a never bloody ending cycle! And I have been repeating such cycle for the past three days and nights since I left the good doctor's office. I pondered on an answer to it, but I end up with nothing.
Dammit. To hell with this, I'm sure that bloody doctor would have come up with answer to this question better than me. I thought before letting out a heavy sigh as I checked my pocket watch, the one that I had nicked and started carrying with me to tell the time so I wouldn't be late for my session with the doctor, and saw that it was already 11:15pm.
Double dammit!
We've been searching for this demon for hours and I was already forty five minutes late for my session with Dr. Grey yet this bloody demon was still a bloody no show. I racked my brain for something that I could do so we'd find this demon faster, and an idea came to mind.
I stole a look at my companion, who was scanning the cemetery we were currently on, before telling her my plan.
"I think it's best if we split up. It's easier, and we'd cover more grounds, don't you think?"
"You want to split up? Why?" She sounded panicked, but why the hell for?
"I just said so. We split up so we'd cover more ground," I informed her.
"Are you really that angry at me that you'd make up reasons to get away from me?" she suddenly snapped, which confused the hell out of me.
"WHAT?! Are you daft? I'm not making up reasons to get away from you! I was trying to make it easy for us to find this demon. Why would you even think so in the first place?!"
"Of course I'd think like that, because, for starters, you haven't been acting like yourself all night," she said haughtily and that had irritated me bit-
"And pray tell, how is it I am not myself tonight?" I gritted my teeth.
"Well to start, you aren't talking to me. I mean, usually I can't get you to shut up for more than 5 seconds and now, we've been walking and searching for this monster for hours but you haven't at least once tried to start a conversation with me."
"Like you're one to talk! You haven't exactly been a stellar conversationalist tonight either, pet. And you haven't been acting like yourself either. You're acting more cold hearted than usual- in fact, you've been acting worse than the Buffybot! At least that one had a personality compared to how you have been tonight." She looked furious and was about to argue but I had none of it, and took the conversation back to its original topic. "And besides, it's not like you aren't okay with me not talking-or maybe you are." I paused and checked her reaction. "Did you want me to start a conversation with you?" I suddenly asked.
"What?! No, that's not the point!"
"Then get to the bloody point already, Slayer, because we haven't got all bloody night. We still need to find this demon and prevent it from ending the bloody world, or have you forgotten?"
"And that's another thing that I noticed about you tonight! You've been so antsy about something and have been checking that stupid watch of yours all night! It's like you've been wishing to get this over with 'cause you've got somewhere you have to be other than here!"
"Maybe there is somewhere I'd rather be than here, Slayer, d'you ever think about that?"
She snorted. "Yeah, right. Like where? Is there some sort of High Bet Kitten Poker game you'd rather be tonight?"
That ticked me off even more. The fact she thinks so little of me made me want to strangle the annoying chit.
"First, it's High Stakes, not High Bet, you stupid bint. Second, I do have somewhere I have to be tonight and it isn't where I could gamble my lonely night away. I have an appointment that I'd rather I didn't miss but had to because of this end of the world thing we have to stop," I informed her.
"Oh, really? Well, let's see since gambling is off the table, so I am guessing you've got an appointment with your therapist, Dr. Jack Daniels, am I right?" She was teasing or most probably trying to piss me off some more, but I couldn't tell because I was too stunned at the fact she mentioned me having a therapist. "Uh-Spike?"
"Wha-I mean, no! You're off your rocker, Slayer! I don't have a therapist!"
Great! Way to make you look even more guilty, mate.
"I didn't say you had one, Spike. I was teasing you. You know, therapist and Jack Daniels? Does the joke ring any bells?"
"Oh. Well, if that's what you meant then yes, I will be meeting with my Jack and will be having a lovely Chinese movie marathon back at my crypt," I lied and hoped she'd buy it.
"Uh-huh." She crossed her arms and gave me a pointed look. "And how come I don't believe that?"
Not wanting to bury myself deeper in a lie I knew I could not make, I opted to leave the subject alone by telling her off. "Believe what you want," I told her acting exasperated before turning away and walking in the direction of the woods where I felt a sudden surge of dark magic.
"Ohh no, Mister. You are hiding something, I can feel it," she said, following closely behind me and pushing the issue.
"Then your feelings are off tonight, pet. Because I ain't got anything to hide." I continued to walk closer to the forest.
"How about you say that one more time, Spike, and this time with feeling!" she screamed. But I didn't respond to her, I was too busy sniffing the air for other anomalies, and noticed that the magic was indeed steadily getting stronger.
Dark magic and a demon that planned to suck this dimension. I put two and two together and concluded that I had just determined the location of our prey tonight. I was about to inform the Slayer about this when the bitch threw a bloody rock at me.
"God! What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" I yelled back, rubbing my head where the stone had hit and turning around to face her cute and obviously angry face. "Why the hell are you forcing this issue? I already answered your question and whether or not I'm telling the truth shouldn't bother you because it isn't even any of your fucking business!"
"It is my business, Spike, because you are my responsibility!" she stated haughtily.
A vein popped at that assumption. All thoughts about the world ending demon just left my head and I just snapped at her and started telling her all the abuse I've been experiencing from her and her little band of misfits.
"Since when?! You don't care about me or what I do. I am the farthest person in your mind just as long as I don't cause any trouble to your lot or do anything too evil. You usually ignore me when I am around or insult me in front of your peers until I would leave your lot alone. The only time you and your Scoobies deem me worthy of your time is when you need my help to get information of certain demons or for extra muscle or, in your case, Slayer, to scratch your bloody itch!"
She stared at me, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. I'd have laughed at the look on her face but I was too angry at her and I still had a lot more to tell the bitch.
"You say that I'm your responsibility? Does that so called responsibility include you continuously ripping my unbeating heart out every bloody night you come to me for sex? Or maybe it includes insulting my pathetic ass and making me feel like your bloody doormat every other chance you and your so called friends feel like it?! Bloody hell, Buffy, I love you!" The moment those words left my lips her lips began to move, but I didn't let her say anything because I immediately continued on with my angry speech. "And don't you dare say that I don't because, whether you believe or not, I do love you, Summers, because there is no other explanation why I'd let a bunch of humans walk all over me, pick on me, insult me and abuse me other than me loving you. My promise to you was the only thing that kept me from meeting the sun that summer you died, and it was in your memory that I fought to protect your ungrateful friends and made sure to keep the bloody Hellmouth safe! I bled for your cause and fucking let you all use me as you all bloody please!" I paused, breathing unnecessarily, and looked into her beautiful green eyes.
God, I could really get lost in them
I shook the straying thought and finished my speech by whispering the last words.
"But if all those things that I did and still willing do for you and yours, Buffy, is not love, then you are right, I don't know what love is. But then that also means you don't know what it is either."
I stood there in front of her and braced myself for the blow that I knew would soon follow because I told the stupid woman in front of me a few truths I knew she didn't want to hear from me. But when nothing came, I became worried and started to study her face to get any indications of what she was thinking or feeling.
My girl was shaking, her head downcast, her hair freely cascading and covering her face.
"Buffy? Luv?" I called her softly surprising the girl into looking up to face me and what I saw nearly broke my heart.
Her eyes were watery and she looked so lost. All the anger and hurt I felt earlier left me and was replaced immediately by guilt, an emotions vampires aren't supposed to feel. Guilt, because I was the one who put that look on my girl's face.
"Oh, pet, I'm sorry," I told her and took her in my arms. "I'm a bad and rude man. Don't mind any of the things I just said. I was putting my foot in my mouth again." She was shaking again so I tightened my hold of her and began rubbing her back.
"I'm sorry," she suddenly said, surprising me with her words.
"Buffy, there is nothing to apologize for. I was the one at fault, luv," I told her, but it didn't ease her shaking.
(O.O)
Buffy
"But if all those things that I did and still willing do for you and yours, Buffy, is not love, then you are right, I don't know what love is. But then that also means you don't know what it is either."
Those words echoed in my ears and the truth in them hit a cord inside of me. It hurt to hear someone else say out loud my inability to love or comprehend it, even if that someone happened to be a soulless vampire that was supposed to be incapable of love. The reality of me, Buffy Anne Summers; the Vampire Slayer, hunter of demons, the bogieman of monsters, having a heart of stone that is incapable of loving anyone was enough to make me cry and hide under my sheets in shame.
It wasn't my fault! I'd say to myself.
It wasn't a fault of mine that I was too damaged to understand or remember the feeling of what love was! So why should the words of a soulless monster get to me?
But I already knew the answer to that question. I care because I am Buffy, and I am human, and love should be something that humans should have a better concept of than a soulless vampire proclaiming to know all about love.
But I no longer knew what Love was. I just could no longer feel it. In truth, I've lost all of my ability to love. So the real question was: what exactly does that make me now?
I didn't want to answer that question or, more precisely, I fear the answer to such a question. So I focused on trying to understand the concept of Love.
Love
Love is among the most basic of human emotions. It is the emotion we human's form through family and familiarity, friendship and companionship, attraction and intimacy. And it is our ability to love that differentiates us from animals or things.
I know that I've read those words somewhere and I can say that I used to agree with it. But now, I don't because I no longer have any idea what love is.
I know that I once knew exactly what love is. I knew it can't be measured but felt and seen through actions. I loved my family and friends, and I always tried to show them that however I can. Then, I loved Angel. I loved him, and tried to show him my love too as I did with my family and gave him the one precious thing that I could give to any man I loved, my innocence.
I regretted doing so afterwards.
My love was what brought about the monster that killed all those women and Miss Calendar. It was my love that nearly ended the world. Duty, may have made me decide to kill my lover but love was what started all my problems in the first place.
I loved too much, or as my Spirit Guide once said: I am full of Love.
And because of my love, I have lost far too many things: a normal life, Miss Calendar, my future, my mom, and even my life.
Which was why Death was my gift. It was suppose to be what made every sacrifice I did for love be worth something because I finally found my peace in it and finally found a place where I got loved back the same way I loved and I was happy.
Then that was taken from me, and got brought back into a world where I had to keep giving.
Coming back tore me up more than I cared to admit to anyone, and I know in my return I hadn't only lost my eternal rest and peace but also my ability to love and understand it. A great loss, I knew that's what it was and everyday I hated thinking about it. In fact, I tried not to think about it. But when the two people who I had began to care for decided to show me this thing that I was seriously missing, these thoughts would come barreling into the forefront of my mind.
I can't love anymore and that makes me a monster for being incapable of feeling such an emotion.
Dawn's disappointed look flashed into my mind along with Spike's words about how I had no idea what love was. And I just lost it. I buried my face further into Spike's chest and mourned the loss of my ability to love.
I then heard Spike telling me that he was sorry.
Why would he apologize? It wasn't his fault I lost my ability to love.
"I'm sorry," I told him.
"Buffy, there is nothing to apologize for. I was the one at fault, luv," was his reply, as he held me tighter and began rubbing my back.
He was comforting me!
I was at fault and had been a major bitch to him earlier and what does he do the first chance when I start feeling sorry for myself? He comforts me.
God, how can this demon love more than I could?
I was shaking again. As I made the horrible realization that Spike really could love, and not just because he thinks he could but because he really could. He was right about what he said earlier, about all those things he had done and was still willing to do for me because he loved me; all of those things were indicators that he could love. This new revelation rocked my world because it meant that everything I believe in about demons was wrong and everything that the Council, Giles and Angel taught me was a mistake. I didn't know yet how to feel about that but what I did know was that I felt guilt at the moment, because I had realized just how much I had been hurting a magnificent creature like Spike by denying him his wondrous capability to love.
God, I am a monster! I felt my tears fall down and Spike frantically trying to console me, by repeatedly apologizing for what he had said earlier.
"Stop it," I mumbled as I pushed myself out of his hold and stood straight in front of him. I took a few steps back and stared in to his deep expressive eyes. He looked hurt. He probably thought I was telling him to stop holding me. I hurriedly clarified what I said. "I meant that you need to stop apologizing." I then tried to say the next words as Bentley as posible. "You did nothing wrong, Spike. You were right to say those words. We have been abusing you and I also had no right to get involved in your business as long as it is not of the evil variety. I was being a nosy bitch earlier and I'm sorry for that."
"Uh, sure, you're forgiven," he said with a confused look that would've been funny for me if I wasn't focusing on gaining his forgiveness of the other offenses I had done to him.
"I'm sorry too for what happened last time," I told him.
"Wa-what time was tha-that again, pet?" he stuttered probably from the surprise of the slayer apologizing to him, not once but twice now.
"You know? For that time in your crypt. How I had treated you back then and how I approached the subject about you and Dawn not seeing each other anymore. You have to remember that time?"
Because it's the only reason you have been avoiding me.
"Oh, that time," he answered as though he really had forgotten about that.
How could he forget what happened? I knew how much I had hurt him by what I did! God, don't tell me he has already forgiven me for that!
This realization added even more guilt to my heart.
"I said some stupid and untrue stuff about you being careless with her and how you failed to protect my friends over the summer and-well I didn't mean any of them." My eyes began to water as I realized the extent of my sins. "You were good with Dawn, and I know you'd never let anything happen to her. The coming to your crypt thing? I knew it was her idea and it was stupid but you couldn't really be blamed for that because she probably forced you to do it anyway. She can be really pushy when she wants to be. And the protecting my friends thing? You did protect them. You watched their backs and made sure they didn't die. Sure they were hurt but I knew that probably couldn't be helped since they weren't all that good at fighting anyway, so it was natural that they'd get injured. I shouldn't have held you responsible for that. It was enough that you fought with them in the first place and-I guess I never really thanked you for that." Another wave of guilt consumed me because of this thought.
"Don't fret about it, luv. You're not the only one who hasn't. I mean, those bloody Scoobies of yours never once thanked me and it was their arses I saved," he stated, while trying to sound lighthearted, most likely to lighten the mood and get me to stop crying.
Of course the gesture got an opposite reaction from me.
I bowed my head in shame.
He's still trying to make me feel good. Why am I just noticing what a considerate guy he is?
"Dawn was right, we really are hypocrites. Selfish and heartless hypocrites," I mumbled lowly remembering the conversation or more specifically the argument I had at the Magic Box.
"Buffy?" The concern in his voice was so clear and it shook me up from my inner melancholy.
I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. He's very sensitive to my emotions and if something upsets me, he'll start thinking that it's him that's bothering me. I'll only hurt him more if I keep doing that to him. I told myself.
"I'm really sorry, Spike," I said, trying to get the topic back to me asking his forgiveness. "You've been so good to us and we've done nothing but insult and redicule you. You protected my friends even though you didn't get a single thank you for it, and you stuck around. You took care of my sister, and I know what a handful she can be, yet you continued to watch over her and be a good friend to her. But, instead of gratitude for what you did for her, I banned you from seeing her. I'm sorry, Spike. I called you a monster but my friends and I were all acting more like one compared to you. We're terrible, terrible people and I am the worse of us all." I paused and took a deep breath as the memories of the things I've been doing to him for months came to mind, before finally continuing. "I came to you and confided in you as a friend after being ripped from heaven, and you helped me like one. You listened to my problems, and didn't expect me to be anyone else other than myself, and, even in your own misguided little way, you tried to help me solve some of them.-" A little smile graced his lips at this. He probably remembered the poker game he took me to as one of those misguided attempts to help me. "-And I was grateful for what you did, even though I never told you. You made me smile when all I wanted to do was to cry, and laugh when I'd start feeling sorry for myself. You were an amazing friend, Spike, and I loved the relationship that we had. But then I kissed you, and complicated that relationship, then I ignored what happened and that confused you. And when I finally gave in to temptation that was your sexiness and had the world's best sex with you, I still continued to ignore what happened again the next day. I'd say it didn't mean anything and pushed you away. I'd tell you how it was wrong and that it won't happen again, but then I'd come back the next night and repeat the process all over again."
Memories of hot angry sex between the vampire and I flashed through my eyes, before the look Spike would send me after I'd go to leave him came to view. It was an expression I was familiar with but only now finally taken notice of.
"I knew it hurt you-" I started again. "-waking up alone in bed, feeling worthless and used up. I knew those feelings that you felt, I understood them better than anyone actually, because those were the feelings I felt after I did it with Angel and Parker and they were gone the next day. I knew I shouldn't have done the same thing to you, but I didn't care. I didn't care because I was always too busy dealing with my issues, and I just reasoned to myself that you were okay with it, that it was okay to do that to you because you weren't a person. So I kept coming back to you, even though I knew it was wrong, I only saw you as a convenience, something to scratch an itch, my walking undead vibrator.-"
He closed his eyes to blink back the tears. I was hurting him again, but I didn't stop because I knew I had to continue , otherwise I would never be able to finished what I wanted to say.
"-You loved me, but I used that love to continuously get you to have sex with me. I was so twisted that I was continuously destroying something special such as the love of a demon, who's only will is to change for the better. And I continued to still do it, because I always reasoned that you were nothing but a thing that was dead inside and didn't feel anything real, when in reality you were more alive than anyone I know, and you showed more feelings than I ever did since I came back. You were so good to me and mine, Spike, yet I've never taken the time to thank you for it. Instead, I continuously hurt you, like I did in that alley." He flinched, making my heart bleed yet again because I had caused such a reaction from him just by a memory. "And in your crypt. I've been the bigger monster of the two of us, and that's why I get why you did it. Avoiding me, I mean. I was being too much, and I guess you most likely reached your limit. But if you have, reached you're limit, I mean, then I'd understand."
"Understand what, luv?" he asked in a low and almost whispered voice.
"I'd understand if you'd decide to leave me." His eyes widened and looked startled, guilty even. After seeing that emotion roll on his face, I realized that I had been right in my assumption. He had been planning to leave. I blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump on my throat.
It's okay, Buffy. If he wants to go, let him go. You know now that he deserves more than you can give him.
"I'd understand, Spike, really. You don't have to pretend. You don't even have to give me a reason, because I know I don't deserve it. After everything I've done to you, I know I have no right to ask you to sta-"
"Shut up," he told me harshly, surprising me to silence. "You stupid, self-involved bitch!" I gave him an indignant look.
The hell is he insulting me for?
Here I was pouring my heart out to apologize to him for all the bad things I've done to him, and he goes on like that and prove to me why I always find it hard to believe he was capable of loving me. I was about to tell him that but then he continued.
"You really think that the world revolves around you don't you? You must think that the sun rises for you and if it sets then its your fault? God! What the hell is wrong with you?" I opened my mouth to answer but once again he cut me off. "No, don't answer that! Because I'm not really in the mood to find out. But what I do want to know is that what has given you the idea that I was planning on leaving you or even planned to leave in the first place?"
"B-but you were avoiding me all this time," I stated.
"No, I wasn't. Okay, sure after that morning in my crypt when you banned me from seeing Dawn, I was feeling a tad bit of resentment towards you and had not wanted to see you for a couple of days, but I got over that eventually."
"Then why didn't you come and check on me? Why haven't you been joining me for patrols? Why haven't I seen you for the last few days?" I said while trying and failing to hide the desperation in my voice.
"I've been in busy doing something for a friend-and before you ask, it wasn't anything of the evil variety and yes, I do have friends, Slayer. They just don't like getting introduced to you for reasons I'm sure you already know." He stared pointedly at the sword in my hand. "So you better quit your overly active imagination of me leaving because I already told you that I'm not planning on doing that anytime soon." He stepped closer to me. His deep blue eyes stared piercingly into mine. "I love you, Buffy." His voiced low and husky. "You know that now, if that speech of yours was any indication. And I know that you also know that I don't do things halfway, so when I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my being. I'll do anything for that person, I'll even die for them. So when I say that I love you, I'm not just saying the words, I'm making a promise, pet, a promise to do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy, to make sure you never get hurt ever again." He paused and brought his hand up to lightly caress my cheek. "I've already promised you before, luv, and I'll say it again now; I will never leave you. I promise to stay by your side for as long as I'm not dust. So you need to stop thinking such a thing because I'm not like Peaches or Captain Cardboard or any of those men in your life who were dumb enough to abandon a wonderful and special woman like you. I won't leave when things get too tough or when they don't go the way I want them to. I won't even leave even if you say I should. I'm here to stay, Buffy, because I love you, so you need to believe that."
The look on his face, his eyes, his words, his promise and his confession; all of them showed signs of how much he cares-no, not cares-loves, they all showed how much he loves me. I don't know how to describe how I feel about it. A part of me was in awe of it, another was still holding on to the belief that demons can't love, but a majority of myself just didn't understand why. Why would someone as loving and devoted as Spike be in love with a broken Slayer like me? It just didn't make sense. And I could not help but actually utter the question out loud.
"Why? Why do you love me, Spike? What is it about me that you would allow yourself to suffer the kind of pain I bring you? What is it that you see in me that had earn that sort of loyalty that you had once given Drusilla?"
He pulled back a surprised look suddenly crossed his features. Then he looked like he was having an inner battle with himself before he let out a really heavy sigh.
"Truthfully, I've been asking myself the same thing for the past several days, luv," he confessed with a guilty look. I felt a little pang in my chest as I thought about him doing this.
I thought he loved me, why would he have to find a reason why he did in the first place? A straying thought crossed my mind. One of which I immediately shook off because of the contradiction it brought to what I had been thinking moments earlier.
"I've been trying to suss out why I feel the way I do about you," he explained as he looked at me again with that same intense stare he had given me earlier.
"And?" I asked with a tremble in my voice, because for some reason I was afraid of his answer. "What did you find out?"
"That I have more reasons to hate you than love you, pet," he said with a grin.
"What does that mean?" I asked, a bit irritated with what he was implying.
"It means-" He suddenly stepped closer to me again, making me forget all my irritation as his grin turned into a gentle smile, the same kind of smile he had given that Halfrek bitch. "-that I feel the way I do about you because I just do. I just love you and I have no reason why. I can give you a list of the things I love about you; like your beauty, your hair, your strength, kindness, devotion and dedication to the cause. I could also give you list of things that I hate about you, but the one thing I can't give you is the explanation as to why I feel the way I do. You're just that woman for me, luv. That woman who I will love and care for for the rest of my existence. You're the One, Buffy, the One and Only for me, and because of that I don't need a reason to love you."
"What if I don't want to be the One?" I asked now truly fearing to be the object of such passion, love and devotion.
"Well, too bad, luv. You already are, and I doubt there is anything in this world that could change that. So you just need to accept that."
"I can't, Spike," I told him, ducking my head and stepping away from him. It hurt me, to say the things I was about to say but I knew I had to. "I can't accept it because I can't be that person you want. I can't because I am incapable of giving you what you need."
"And what exactly do you think I need, luv?" it was his turn to sound irritated.
"You need someone who can give you the same amount of love you are giving. Someone who won't take your heart and crush it into a million pieces. Someone who isn't broken and hasn't forgotten how to love. Someone that isn't me." I stared into his blue and expressive eyes and saw the hurt and pity? Why is he giving me that look?
"You're not broken, pet," he told me, "You're just dealing with so many things right now that you're having a hard time coping with the rest of us. But it's quite understandable that you'd think that something is wrong with you because you can't seem to find it in you to care for everyone as you once had, but you've been through so much and instead of us trying to help you, we all drag you with us with our own issues, me especially." A regretful look crossed his features, as he said his next words. "I haven't been the most stellar partner I should've been in this relationship, pet. I kept dragging you into the dark when you are suppose to stay there in the light. Telling you that stuff about coming back wrong was my mistake and my pathetic attempt to get you to stay with me. I know that now, I shouldn't have said those things to you. It only confused you and turned you into this insecure and troubled woman you are now. I did this to you-"
I wanted to argue with him, to tell him that he was the not the person who made me this way. But the selfish part of me wouldn't let me. It wanted someone easy to blame, someone who I didn't have ties with like Angel, my family or friends, and who better to be that person than Spike.
God, I am sick!
"-and I want to make it up to you, pet," he continued, "I want to show you that you are not wrong or broken and that you can still love and accept love. I want show you what it's like to be happy again, to help you want to live in this world. I want to be the person who will give you all of this and more, the person you can trust and rely on. So give me a chance, Buffy. A chance to be that person and give us and this relationship a chance to be more than just centered on sex. Please, luv, give us a chance..."
I knew it was wrong, to accept his offer, not because he was evil but because I knew the outcome would be horrible because I wasn't going to be the person he wants. But his words and his promise, it had attracted me so much that I accepted.
"Alright, Spike, I'll give you chance-I'll give us a chance," I told him with a small smile on my face.
The smile on his face though was just overpowering. He was so happy that he practically tackled me and kissed me fiercely, nearly bruising my lips. And when he finished he lifted me up in the air while giving me a tight hug before kissing me yet again
"You won't regret it!" he exclaimed happily as our lips parted for the second time.
His laughter, as always, had been infectious and I could not help but enjoy his embrace and kisses. I knew it would've progressed into something more if we had not felt the ground suddenly shake.
"Oh, right. I forgot to tell you that I think I've found the demon we've been looking for," he suddenly said.
"WHAT?! HOW? More specifically, WHEN?!"
"Earlier before we started arguing. Felt a very dark magic brewing by those woods. Would've gone to check it out but got side tracked, by well-you know why."
"Dammit, Spike!" I told him before running towards the direction of the woods.
I heard him chase after me, but I chose to ignore him and decided to simply focus on finding that demon. When we got there we were greeted by the sight of a ten feet tall scaly demon with crab claws that was doing a ritual in the center of a magic circle. Above the demon was a swirly vortex thingy that looked like it was sucking the air in.
"Dammit, the ritual has started," I cursed as I tried to maintain my balance at the trembling earth.
"No worries, luv. We just have to kill the demon and destroy the circle. All will be well," Spike said with a smile.
I glared at the vampire's optimism, but said nothing because I knew he was still basking in the fact I just agreed to give our relationship a chance. So I decided to focus on the problem at hand.
I'll worry about my decision when I actually find myself and him being miserable because of it.
Those were my last thoughts before rushing at the demon with a sword in my hand and Spike by my side.
TBC
(O.O)