Part 2 – Initiation
.
Tobias wasn't much of a talkative person. It was true that Eric had never been the best out there to make friends but it was obvious that Tobias and he had to be friends. Eric had saved him after all and helped him and they had stuck together the first day. He still couldn't consider them as friends and they were already almost four weeks into initiation. For fuck's sake their beds were next to each other but they weren't talking, and if Eric didn't find someone to talk to –actually talk to, because he could speak to Tobias but the boy would rarely answer- he would go nuts.
It was depressing to see every other initiates talking to each other. The six transfers from Candor had made their little group, which was stupid. Casper and the girl from Erudite were quite close and they were getting along really well with the boy from Amity. Anyway they all had someone to talk to and to live with. Eric was stuck with the most silent person he had ever encountered.
That's why he had given up and decided to spend his time with the others. Ellie and Casper were from Erudite, like him, and Oliver was the boy from Amity. They were friendly enough but they were a bit boring. Eric still gravitated towards Tobias from time to time because he hated seeing him all alone.
He could see that Tobias wasn't happy, he had insecurities and lacked of self-confidence. He could see it in the way Tobias ducked his head or looked at the ground constantly, shuffled awkwardly or in the way his shoulders slumped forward in a protective way when David –a boy from Candor- called out insults at him.
Weeks passed and Eric was drifting further apart from Tobias. The others liked to make fun of the boy and call him a Stiff. It was true that Tobias wasn't really good at anything, except for the knife throwing, but Eric hated when they called out snarky remarks at him. It was mostly the transfers from Candor. Eric didn't like them.
One day Eric had stopped ignoring them and yelled at them to stop mocking Tobias. He had felt pretty good; for one the look of fucking David's face was priceless and then he kind of felt like Tobias' hero. The latter didn't agree apparently because the same night when they were getting ready for bed, he asked Eric not to defend him again because he didn't need it. After that Eric had ceased any attempt to stay close to Tobias. It had kind of hurt him.
It still bothered him to hear the others call out insults to Tobias but Eric was now restraining himself. The red-haired from Amity, Oliver, was constantly reassuring him that Tobias could very well take care of himself if he had refused Eric's aid. Eric tried to convince himself so but at the back of his mind it was still itching.
It had been two months into initiation when Amar finally deemed that the transfers had enough endurance and had acquired his little moves and tricks in combat that he made them fight each other for real. Eric couldn't be happier; initiation had been very boring until now. The only problem was that Tobias revealed himself very bad during the fights and the insults and the mocking were gaining in intensity.
.
One evening Eric decided to shower quickly before heading to the Cafeteria to join Oliver, Casper and Ellie. He was very sweaty and knew that he smelt bad. The others weren't bothered by eating all sweaty and smelly and Eric usually ignored his drying sweat because he was always starving. But that evening he couldn't bear his damp hair and armpits and sweaty back. He just needed to shower.
He was approaching his bed ready to shed off his clothes and rush to the showers when he spotted Tobias on his bed, back against the wall. His shoulders were shaking and he had his head ducked.
"Tobias?" Eric walked closer to his bed. "Are you crying?" He said almost disbelievingly. The weeping boy looked up at him and blushed furiously. He wiped his tears away and sniffed loudly, obviously not wanting anyone to see him in this state. Eric kneeled on the bed and shuffled to the wall where he sat next to him. "What happened?"
"Are you going to make fun of me too?" Tobias snapped.
Eric simply looked sideways and gave him a long look. "Do you really think I would?"
Tobias took his time to answer; he eventually muttered a small, "no."
"Who made fun of you?"
Tobias scoffed. "Everyone. I'm the weak Stiff for them. They always talk about my old faction but this time it was the worst."
"And it makes you cry?"
"I don't want anyone to talk about my father!" Tobias raised his voice and sniffed again.
Eric studied his brown hair still cut short like Abnegation liked. He had a nice profile and his jaw was very sharp; he almost wanted to reach and trace it with his fingers. It wasn't the first time.
"Ignore them," he told Tobias. "Train harder and destroy them with your ranking," he shrugged.
"You know I'm awful and hand to hand-to-hand combat. Even at shooting I'm pathetic."
"I'll help you. We could train together after hours." Eric spoke without thinking. But then he pondered on his proposition and shrugged; why not? Nothing had changed since the first day; Eric still wanted to help Tall Boy for whatever reason his subconscious found.
"Really?" Tobias asked wearily, as if he was waiting for Eric to say no and laugh at his face.
Eric frowned. "Yeah. Let's eat dinner and then we'll sneak into the training room." Tobias sniffed loudly and nodded silently, his blue eyes wet with unshed tears. "I'll shower quickly first."
"You smell horrible," Tobias mumbled. Eric shoved him so hard that the boy fell on his side on the mattress. Eric barked a laugh at the startled boy.
.
The next few weeks were enjoyable to Eric. Tobias and he would sneak into the training room whenever they had some free time and Tobias was actually in condition to fight or work out. One night Eric had insisted they train even though Tobias had said he was already exhausted and the outcome had been terrible. Tobias had actually thrown up at the end of the training session and Eric hadn't felt that guilty in his whole life. Now he listened to Tobias and observed him closely to make sure he was alright to perform in extra training with him.
When they weren't training and actually took their free time was Eric's favorite moments to spend. One of the consequences of their little agreement was that Tobias was opening up to him and talking more and more and looked less insecure whenever he was alone with Eric. He actually revealed a sarcastic side that Eric loved.
So when they didn't train, they usually sat on Tobias' bed, their backs propped against the wall, their shoulders touching and they talked about everything and nothing.
Tobias was even getting better at ignoring the jabs from the Candor transfers, to Eric's relief. They were two boys; David and Vivien, and four girls; Jade, Janine, Veritas and Barbara. David was the leader of their little group, and the only one Tobias couldn't ignore. David always knew the best words to hurt him. He was also the smartest, to Eric's opinion, that was why he was the most difficult to handle.
But now that Eric was friend with Tobias, the latter didn't mind when Eric snapped back at David. Tobias seemed less wary and insecure than before.
Things were good.
xxx
"Eric," Tobias panted. "I can't." He was breathing harshly, looking sideways at Eric with hooded eyes.
"Come on, a bit more!"
Tobias looked at him with determination and then hit the bag a few more times. It was obvious that he was tired, his stance was horrible and his hits weak. He kept going for a few blows, but then he lost his balance and hugged the bag to avoid falling. "Eric. I promise I can't anymore." He panted, his cheek squished against the leather of the bag.
"Okay," Eric nodded. He believed him. "Here drink some water," he handed him the bottle, "not too much. Two or three swallows only."
"Why do you always say that?" Tobias said between pants and took the bottle from Eric.
"It's science." He didn't even know why himself; his trainers in Erudite just always instructed him not to drink too much directly after physical effort. Curiosity nudged his brain and he wished he had books at his disposition.
"Uh, okay." Tobias did as he was told. Eric watched as he tossed his head back and his throat bobbed as he drank the water.
Eric cleared his throat. "Let's go. You need to take a shower and then rest for tomorrow."
"I can't really, um."
"Can't what?"
"I can't walk. I can barely stand. Can't we just rest here for a bit?"
"Your sweat is getting cold and it's not good for you, you have to shower. I help you walk it's alright."
Eric didn't miss how the boy blushed and nodded. They progressed slowly towards the dorms, with Tobias leaning heavily on Eric. The latter had one arm around his waist and enjoyed his warmth against him happily.
"I'm drenched in sweat."
"It's fine."
"I must smell horrible."
"I've smelled worse."
"Thanks," Tobias said sarcastically.
"You're going to beat whoever you're up against tomorrow."
"I hope so."
"You've progressed so much, it's amazing."
"That is thanks to you," Tobias laughed and Eric could feel his chest rumbling against his side. "Why are you even helping such a lost case as me?"
"It just-" Eric paused and searched for the right words. "I don't really know. It's the first time I've seen someone with eyes like that."
"What?" Tobias laughed. "Are you complimenting my eyes?"
"No. I'm saying they're honest." Eric didn't waver, thankfully. "Honest, transparent, earnest. And yeah, I just thought you're worth the help."
Tobias cleared his throat. "Okay," he whispered.
"And you're not a lost cause," Eric shook his head, "you're almost as good as me."
"You are so full of yourself."
"No I'm not being arrogant; I'm actually the best fighter among the transfers," Eric said sincerely.
It was Tobias' turn to shake his head. "Sometimes I can't believe you," he admonished.
"But really, you're good, now you just need to mark more points and we'll probably end up the first and second ranked."
xxx
Eric and Tobias were attached to the hip. They did everything together. They woke up at the same time; the first one to wake up would wake the other. They ate theirs meals together, they went to the bathroom at the same time. They stayed close together during the fights, they chose stations next to each other when practicing shooting or knife throwing and when Amar took them outside the compound on a run, they ran side by side. At first Eric had to whisper encouragements to Tobias to keep up and push harder on his legs; but now Tobias had developed a great endurance. Eric would glance sideways to see him running with a good posture and neat breathing.
They went to bed at the same time but before that, they would sit on Tobias' bed and talk -or not, until exhaustion took over and Eric would hop off his bed.
The weeks passed and as Eric had predicted, he and Tobias were the first and second of the rankings. Tobias had made an impressive progression and was winning all his fights. Even his knife throwing technique was impeccable and Eric had nothing to do with it; he had just watched Tobias reach this perfect level at aiming the knife.
The night before the final rankings and final fight, Amar had gathered his initiates and explained to them that he would reveal what fights would occur. He explained that it was the most important fight and therefore he let them the privilege of knowing their opponent so that they could prepare mentally for the next day.
Tobias and Eric's names were side by side on the board.
"It's our final fight. And we're up against each other," Tobias sighed, as they settled as usual on his hard mattress, their backs resting on the cold wall. "I don't like it."
"Come on, it's going to be fun. We're both the highest ranked anyway, it doesn't matter who wins, we have more points that any of them." Eric gestured to the other initiates in the dorm.
"Whatever happens tomorrow," Tobias said quietly, "I will be happy with the outcome of the fight."
"You talk like you think you have a chance against me."
Tobias scoffed. "Of course I have."
"I'll beat you."
"You said yourself the other day that I was as good as you!" Tobias turned toward him and he probably didn't know but his lips were forming a pout. Eric's eyes were on it.
"It was to encourage you."
"I don't believe you."
"We'll see tomorrow, Stiff."
Tobias dug his elbow in Eric's side. The latter grunted and they ended up laughing quietly, Tobias' head resting in its familiar place on Eric's shoulder.
.
Amar called out their names at the end of Jade and Casper's fight and the two friends made their way to the ring, walking so close to each other that their arms touched. It wasn't a real fight for them, just a friendly sparring.
Everyone from David's group was encouraging Eric while David himself was standing behind and smirking. Eric was not friend with any of them.
It didn't take him long to understand their little game. It was common fact that they all hated the 'Stiff'. They just wanted to make him lose his focus. Eric dodged a fast punch and noticed that Tobias' jaw was clenched. Guilt creeped inside his chest; he just didn't like that the stupid jerks were using him to reach Tobias.
"Go Eric!" someone shouted. It went like that for a few minutes, while the two friends exchanged powerful blows and were tiring themselves quickly. Eric wished Amar would just shut them up already.
"You should kill yourself, Stiff!"
Eric's head snapped in the direction of the shout. He was fuming. No one got to say this to his boy; but he didn't have the time to yell back. Pain seared on the side of his face as soon as he looked away. Tobias had hit him. Eric lost his balance and stumbled until he fell out of the mat and onto the cold stone ground. He winced, feeling the skin of his side scraping against the stone; his shirt had ridden up. He grunted and looked up at Tobias with wide eyes. He just fell out of the mat. He lost.
Tobias scrambled to kneel beside him. "You alright?"
"Yeah." He lost, but he was fine with it. It meant Tobias was first of the rankings for stage one. He didn't feel any regret or frustration. No, it was actually fine.
"You lost your focus," Tobias whispered in disbelief. "It never happens."
"And you ignored David." Eric smirked. "It never happens either." They both chuckled softly and stood up together.
"Winner: Tobias!" Amar yelled. He quickly circled Tobias' name on the board and gave him a thumbs up. Eric rolled his eyes and lifted his shirt to take a look at his scraped side. Skin was peeling, it was red, slightly swollen and bleeding a bit at some places. It was nothing, he let go of his shirt and looked up to see Tobias at the board, talking with Amar. The latter must have called him. Eric clenched his fists at his sides, feeling the frustration creeping up in his chest and he knew it wasn't from his loss.
xxx
"We should do something to celebrate," Tobias pondered. They were sat on his bed, their backs against the wall. It was already past dinner, Max and Amar had announced the rankings two hours before and most of the initiates were out of the dorms celebrating. After all they had one week to breathe.
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Tattoos?"
"You don't like tattoos," Eric reminded him.
"Right."
"Piercings?" Eric said sarcastically. "Oh right, you don't like them either. Such a Stiff."
Tobias elbowed him on the side but froze when Eric hissed. "What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"It's not nothing, you just hissed." Tobias took the hem of Eric's shirt and the latter stopped him, grabbing his wrists. "Eric. Let me see." Eric rolled his eyes but eventually let go of his wrists and tried not to blush as Tobias lifted his shirt and gasped. "When did you get that? It's getting infected."
Eric looked down at his side; alright it was swollen but it looked nasty mostly because of the peeling bits of skin and dry blood. "It looks fine to me."
"When did you do that?"
"When I fell from the mat. My shirt rid up and I scraped my side on the ground."
"It's my fault-"
"It's not. I'm the one who got distracted and then I couldn't avoid your blow and fell."
"Why didn't you tell? We need to wash the dry blood and disinfect at least."
"We don't have antiseptics, Tobias, it's fine." Eric pulled his shirt down and huffed to cover his flush. If he hadn't told Tobias, it was because he hadn't wanted him to fuss about it. Though a small part of him had wanted him to find out because Tobias taking care of him brought a really good feeling in his chest.
"The infirmary has-"
"I won't go there just for this."
"Then, come." Tobias tugged him up and led him to the adjoining bathroom and made him stop in front of a sink. He opened the water and put his hand under the flow to test the temperature. "Remove your shirt."
Eric didn't have a problem with nudity or wasn't ashamed of his body; he had great muscles and just a small tummy. But undressing in front of Tobias was embarrassing in itself. Yet he couldn't refuse without making the situation awkward so he did as asked, placed his shirt on another sink and avoided his eyes. He watched as Tobias washed his hands with soap and rinsed them.
Tobias suddenly dropped to his knees in front of him. Eric's abdomen clenched in surprise and- was it arousal? Tobias placed on hand on Eric's hip and kept the other under the stream of water.
"Wait, what? Tobias, I can do it myself," Eric tried to step back but the other boy had a firm grip on his hip. God.
"It's fine," Tobias said.
"No, no, really."
"Eric, I want to do it." Tobias looked up at him with determination. Eric gulped and stopped struggling; the hand on his hip loosened its grip but stayed there, warm.
When Tobias's wet fingers first touched his skin he shivered. They didn't have a flannel or anything to clean the dry blood so he used the tip of his fingers and warm water. It was stinging a bit but he was being very gentle and it was soothing in a weird way. Eric swallowed and avoided looking down at Tobias.
"Wait a sec." Tobias stood up and walked to one stall. He came back with toilet paper and dubbed Eric's wet skin with it.
"That's very hygienic."
"Oh shut up. You didn't want the infirmary so I'll do with what I have."
Eric couldn't keep the smile off his face.
"So I was thinking," Tobias began, handing Eric his shirt, "maybe we could get something pierced. Because I really can't see myself having a tattoo."
"You don't like piercings," Eric frowned.
"Not really. But I can get one ear pierced. The ear is fine." Tobias tugged at his lobe as if he was trying to imagine a jewel in it.
Eric brightened up at that. "Really?"
"Yeah. Do you want to get a piercing?"
"Yeah! Let's go!"
Later that night the boys came back with studs of metal through their skins and smiles on their faces. Tobias had a metal bar through his right lobe and Eric a black ring through his lower lip.
xxx
Even though the physical part of Initiation was wrapped up, Eric and Tobias kept their training session some nights. Just because they needed the exercise and they enjoyed sparring and seeing which one of them was stronger. Eric didn't like to admit it out loud but he could tell that Tobias was better than him now at hand-to-hand combat. It was unbelievable how quickly he had progressed while Eric had been trained since his thirteenth birthday in Erudite. If Eric was honest Tobias' taller frame and ability to develop his muscles fairly quickly was a natural advantage. At least he was better that Tobias in shooting and knife throwing.
Their training sessions were a moment he loved and he knew Tobias loved it too. That's why he was taken aback when Tobias had tugged at his arm after dinner. "Um Eric," Tobias spoke up. "I can't train with you tonight."
Eric's shoulders slumped; he had been looking forward to their session, particularly because he was determined to beat Tobias. "Why?"
"I have this thing."
"Aren't you going to tell me what it is?"
"I can't," Tobias said, "I'm sorry." He did look sorry, so Eric didn't want to insist and let it go, his deception still strong. Little did he know that it was only going to happen more and more.
Almost every night Tobias would disappear for an hour, come back drained and silent. Eric had tried to ask him again what he was doing during these hours but each time Tobias would apologize and refuse to say a word about it. It was so frustrating to Eric and worse, it was hurting him. They were friends, he had to have a right to know what was going on. Suddenly he didn't feel as important to Tobias as he once did.
Of course because of that they never trained together again. They weren't as close as before. They still made small talk, sometimes they laughed. But their thighs didn't touch when they sat at the cafeteria anymore and Eric never came to sit on Tobias' bed until lights out. He missed how Tobias' head would fall on his shoulder, he missed his warmth.
To worsen things more, Eric noticed that he wasn't the only one to make Tobias smile. He had seen the looks Amar and Tobias exchanged. When Amar would call Tobias' name to go into the simulation room, Tobias would smile. When Amar would walk up to him and chat, Tobias would laugh.
At night Eric always took a lot of time to fall asleep; now that the physical part of initiation was finished, he was not as tired as he used to be. And without the exhaustion, sleep would not come quickly enough. Not to mention that he thought a lot while staring at the ceiling. As stupid as it sounded, he would imagine all kinds of scenarios with Tobias and Amar meeting up during these mysterious hours.
xxx
Eric's worst fear in the simulations was the fear of thunderstorms. He couldn't do anything about thunder or lightning when he was in the sim. He could only sit and wait for it to pass, because thunder was a force of nature, Eric couldn't change it or stop it. That was why it was so scary for him.
In his fear he was in a field and it was empty for one tree. He didn't have anything to block the sound or anywhere to hide; he was forced to stay out in the open and wait for the storm to finish.
It was strange; now that he had to virtually face thunderstorms frequently, he felt like he was even more afraid of thunderstorms than before. When storms happened during the days back in Erudite, Eric had always tried to stay in places crowded with people; their presence reassured him even if they didn't talk to him, even if they didn't know about his fear.
Maybe it was a pathetic fear; no one was scared of storms except for children. But it wasn't like he had decided that thunder was one of his fears. It just made him very uncomfortable each time it started. He always had this ache growing in his stomach, like his intestines were coiling. When it would hit at night, loudly, he would squeeze his arms against his aching stomach. Nothing would make his anxiety go and he always stayed wide awake and scared while the sky rumbled frighteningly loudly. All his life he had to deal with it alone. What he was missing was a person to comfort him and to anchor him for the night.
This night when he woke up in the dorms by the loud rumble of thunder, Eric felt the familiar ache in his guts coming and his pulse quickening. This time he wasn't really alone. He had a friend. He thought about sliding out if his bed and joining Tobias. They weren't as close as before, but Tobias inspired comfort still. And the louder the thunder, the more tempted he became.
He didn't think he would lack so much of luck for a thunderstorm to happen during initiation, out the sim times and at night. The thunders had been going for an hour now as he lay in his bed. There was no window in their dorms so he couldn't see the lightning. But some of the thunders were so loud. There he was lying, pathetically, on his side, his stomach in knots.
He could not understand how the other initiates could sleep peacefully. He felt like the ceiling was going to fall down any minute, the thunder was horrible.
At one really loud thunder, Eric flinched. That's when Tobias sighed loudly and sat up tiredly on the bed beside his.
"Tobias?" Eric whispered.
"Oh, you're awake."
"You're not sleeping?" Eric was so relieved that he was awake. People's presence always calmed him down in these moments.
"I can't with the fucking storm," Tobias groaned. "It's so loud and I need silence to fall asleep." He stood up and scratched his neck. "I'm gonna go to the toilets," he whispered.
During the whole time Tobias was in the bathroom, Eric pondered his options. He could ask Tobias to stay awake with him and talk to calm his nerves. He could ask him to sleep together. Or he could shut his mouth and let Tobias try to sleep in peace. He was stupid; he knew he couldn't ask Tobias. It would be awkward; he hadn't even come to sit on Tobias' bed for a few days already.
He didn't hear Tobias come back, the boy was huffing and already slipping back in bed, not addressing him. Eric panicked, he didn't want him to fall asleep. Another thunder rumbled loudly and his stomach clenched. He bore with the anguish for another minute before abruptly pushing back the covers and shuffling to Tobias' bed. "Tobias," he whispered when he was leaning over him, one knee propped on the bed.
"Yes?" he said with a voice full of incomprehension.
"Can I- can I come in?" Eric asked weakly.
"What? Uh sure," Tobias shuffled toward the wall to make room for him. Eric slipped under the covers with trembling hands and numb limbs and lay on his side, facing him. A loud thunder cracked and Eric tried to focus on Tobias' presence. He clenched his eyes shut and pressed one hand against his aching abdomen.
"Uh, Eric? Are you okay?"
Eric nodded, his eyes still shut. He counted to 42 in his head before Tobias spoke again.
"Are you afraid of storms?" he asked quietly with doubt in his voice. Eric didn't answer, though he opened his eyes and stared right back at him. Another thunder rumbled and he flinched. "It's fine," Tobias whispered. Eric heard the sheets rustle and then Tobias was taking his hand and squeezing gently. He didn't let go. He didn't even complain that they were sharing his narrow bed. He didn't make fun of him for being afraid. Eric couldn't even find it in himself to feel ashamed, his focus was on the storm and the tightening in his stomach and Tobias.
Tobias fell asleep moments later but the storm raging outside was keeping Eric awake. He wasn't as stressed as before; Tobias was still holding his hand.
.
When Eric woke up in the morning his body was sweating a bit because his bed was somehow too warm. He realized when he felt his forehead pressed against Tobias' chin that he had fallen asleep in his bed. His clammy hand was still clasped with Tobias' between their bodies and he almost wanted to close his eyes and fall back asleep. Then he thought about how awkward it would be and he slowly let go of Tobias' hand and silently slid out of the bed.
Before slipping in his own bed he caught sight of someone else awake. It was Jade; she was sitting on her bed, braiding her long hair, and she was looking right back at Eric. He blushed and his lips parted in an attempt to explain himself. Jade raised an eyebrow, looked briefly at Tobias' bed, then back at the gaping Eric and then she smirked and stood up, heading to the bathrooms.
Eric sighed heavily; oh how he hoped she would keep her mouth shut. He cursed inwardly, and lay back.
The sleep never came back, but he only had to wait half an hour before the wake up time.
Tobias didn't mention anything of the night before when he woke up; Eric was glad for each time he remembered his face heated up.
He hoped last night meant they could still be close friends; he really missed the small touches.
xxx
It turned out Eric wasn't stupid. One night after dinner, Eric had dared to ask Tobias again about what he was doing in secret. This time when Tobias apologized, Eric didn't let it go, he yelled instead.
"Eric, don't go mad on me!" Tobias pleaded. "You have to understand."
"No I don't fucking understand! We're supposed to be friends! Whatever it is you're hiding, I know I can keep it for myself."
"But I can't tell you! Don't think for one second that I like hiding this from you!"
"Then tell me!"
"Are you deaf? God, leave it, Eric. I have to go." With that said Tobias stormed out of the dorm to wherever he was headed each time.
Eric was fuming, he didn't think before walking after Tobias. It wasn't hard to follow him without getting caught; at this time of the evening, the corridors were full of people drinking and play-fighting. Soon enough Eric saw him enter the simulation room. Before the door closed behind Tobias, he caught a glimpse of another man inside. Amar.
Tobias had been meeting up with Amar all this time. Eric stuttered out a breath, his heart dropped, he was standing right in front of the door. He could open it and stop whatever they were doing and beat up Amar. He pressed his hand on the metallic door and leaned closer. Laughs. Tobias was laughing. He could hear the beautiful sound through the barrier. Usually when Eric heard his laugh it would clench his heart, but in a good way. This time it only hurt. He closed his eyes briefly and then he was running away.
.
Eric decided to keep what he saw for him, or well, he managed to keep it for himself for a few days. He failed when Tobias came back one night with a flush on his cheeks and eyes that were still smiling. He couldn't bear to imagine what had happened in the damn simulation room.
Tobias was getting ready for bed, already sat on it. Eric kneeled on the hard mattress pushed the oblivious boy against the wall.
"Tell me what you were doing," he hissed.
Tobias looked up at him furiously. "No. And let go of me, Eric."
"I know that you're seeing Amar." Tobias froze at that. "Why the hell couldn't you just tell me that?"
"You followed me," Tobias whispered. "I thought I could trust you not to do that."
"That's not the point! Tell me! For fuck's sake, I can't take it-" Eric shut his mouth and looked away. He hated not being in control and appearing vulnerable. He jumped when Tobias put a hand on his bicep and rubbed gently.
"I'm so sorry, Eric," he murmured. "I still can't tell everything but- Amar is helping me with something."
"What? With what?"
"I just- I have this problem and he's helping. And he asked me not to tell anyone because it can look bad, an instructor personally helping an initiate."
"And you couldn't tell me! I don't fucking care that he is helping, you have to know that! I don't care! You could-"
"It's not because of that that I wasn't telling you," Tobias cut him. "It's my problem that I can't tell anyone, not even you."
Eric jerked away to put a greater distance between them. "Well obviously Amar is allowed to know," he said coldly. He was so angry and hurt. Tobias could trust this fucking Amar but couldn't trust him. He made to get down from Tobias' bed but the latter gripped his wrist.
"No!" Tobias got a hold of his other wrist. "Please, I wish I could tell you, believe me." He sniffed and Eric could see that his blue eyes were filled with unshed tears. "I wish I could. I really really can't. Amar found out on his own and I was so scared but he offered to help me-"
"I could help you," Eric said sadly.
"Eric, please." One tear was rolling down Tobias' cheek. "Let it go, I don't want to fight with you."
"Okay," Eric heard himself say. He never wanted to see his boy in such a state. He preferred keeping up with the daily fake smiles and small talk. That problem Tobias had was obviously something important and dangerous. He convinced himself to stop asking about it again.
Eric wiped the tear trail from Tobias' cheekbone with his thumb. "I won't ask again."
Something flickered in Tobias' eyes and instead of calming down, his lower lip wobbled and he snatched Eric's hand in his. "Thank you."
"Hey, lovebirds!" They cringed as David's voice boomed through the dorm. "Have you finished your cute fight? Can we all sleep now?" Of course all his friends laughed.
"Fuck off, David!" Tobias snapped.
"Since when are you feisty? Oh I see, your boyfriend really changed you!"
If Eric blushed at the term 'boyfriend' no one had to know. He squeezed back Tobias' hand and silently moved to settle against the wall. After a while Tobias shuffled to sit next to him, his side pressed against Eric and he even dropped his head on Eric's shoulder. It had been too long.
"Oh," Vivien cooed, "look Dave! Look how cute they are."
"The beauty and the beast," Jade added.
Eric ignored them, he ignored the laughs. His attention was on the boy pressed against his side and holding his hand. His heart soared and he had to chew his lip not to smile like a silly teenager in love.
xxx
Initiation continued that way; Eric kept his promise and never asked again why Tobias needed Amar's help. The second and third stage of initiation seemed excruciatingly long to Eric; each day that passed, his heart was a little more broken.
While he would treasure the quiet moments on Tobias' bed and the small touches, most of the time he was reminded by that secret. A dark veil that was standing in their way. He knew he had promised him he wouldn't ask but it just hurt him that Tobias didn't trust him enough to explain.
.
That night they were sat side by side as usual on Tobias' bed. The latter was stiff in anger and Eric could feel the tension in his body where he sat beside him.
David and his companions had been cruel with Tobias as usual and they mentioned Tobias' father again. It was the second time they did. Eric wasn't completely oblivious about his father. He had read the articles his former faction wrote about Marcus Eaton. They all said the same thing; that Marcus Eaton used to beat his son Tobias and that was why he had transferred.
Eric didn't really believe in these papers because he knew well that Erudite was trying to stain Abnegation's image; but with Tobias' reaction each time David mentioned his father, Eric was having doubts. But then again Marcus Eaton could be an innocent victim of the articles and Tobias was getting mad because he didn't like people bad mouthing his father.
"Calm down," Eric mumbled. Tobias was clenching his fists and he needed to let it go; the incident with David and the others happened hours ago. "David is stupid. They all are. Let it go."
Eric didn't really understand what was happening in Tobias' head. The boy turned his head away from him. "Hey," Eric said softly with a gentle nudge. Something was wrong. He placed his hand on Tobias' fist.
Tobias suddenly let go of the tensions in his body; his shoulders slumped, his back bowed slightly, his fists unclenched and finally he turned his head to look at Eric. His eyes were sad.
"They're not stupid. That's the thing," Tobias said very softly; Eric was sure that no one else in the dorm could hear. He spoke in the same hushed voice.
"What?"
"David. The others. The articles. They're right. Everything written is the truth." It looked painful for Tobias to talk about it. It had to be. Eric was hit with the revelation. He hadn't really expected the articles to tell the truth. He cursed inwardly. It explained so much. It explained the insecurities, how Tobias struggled to have faith in himself, how he was scared and wary of people, why he was isolated from the others. It explained why Tobias reacted so strongly to David talking about the articles.
The articles must hurt Tobias so much. They reminded him of whatever he had to endure with his father. They revealed it to the whole city. People everywhere were talking about Tobias the abused son.
So much was going on in Eric's head. Somehow the revelation hurt him. Why was Tobias' past hurting him? It wasn't he who had suffered. It was compassion, he knew it, it just never had happened to him this strongly. His chest was physically tensed because he was sad for the boy sitting beside him.
He was sad but also furious. He was furious that anyone had ever dared to raise a hand on Tobias. Tobias was precious, his smiles were to be treasured, he needed to be protected. It pained Eric to see the uncertain looks Tobias always gave to their surroundings, or his fumbling hands because he didn't know what to do with them.
Eric wanted to protect him but he also wanted to make him smile. He realized he had always wanted to see him smile. Now that he had helped him with the fighting, Tobias was more confident and Eric took pride in it. He cared about him. Eric loved him.
His lips parted, staring at Tobias, Eric let out a shaky breath at the realization. He did, he loved him. He loved Tobias' newly found confidence even though it was still fragile. His sarcasm, and his way of putting Eric in his place when he was too arrogant. His good will and selflessness. He loved his features, his eyes, his lips. His ear, the one he pierced even though he hated piercings. He loved the graceful way Tobias moved and fought. He loved his laugh and his sparkling eyes.
"Don't look at me like that," Tobias cut his train of thought. "I don't want you to pity me."
Eric had smiled. "I would never pity you. I know you don't need it."
Eric saw Tobias as a force. While he had been quite weak at the beginning of initiation, Eric knew that Tobias' mind was so strong. And when he set his mind on something, when he was determined to achieve something, nothing could stop him. That was the most beautiful thing to witness.
xxx
As usual Eric and Tobias waited for each other to finish going through their fear landscape before leaving together. This time Tobias was the last one to go into his landscape so Eric had to wait for several initiates to pass before both of them could go.
With his leg bouncing rapidly, he sat on the bench, glaring at Amar's back.
Tobias finally slipped out of the room, smiling at Amar and headed to Eric's seat. "Hey, how did it go?" Eric asked.
"Fine."
When they began to walk away, they were startled by someone slapping lightly Tobias' shoulder. Eric found with dread that it was Amar. Of course.
"You're the last one so I get to walk back to the Pit with you," Amar announced happily.
"Alright." Tobias smiled brightly.
That's how the three of them ended up walking side by side; Amar being too close to Tobias' side for Eric's taste. He tried to swallow his jealousy. It was not easy with Tobias gladly chatting back with the guy.
The pair laughed and Amar suddenly reached to ruffle Tobias hair. Tobias let him. Eric tightened his fists and had to look away. It was not really anger he was feeling; just jealousy and the frustration to watch someone flirt with Tobias when he himself was not allowing himself to make a move.
But then he caught Amar looking at Tobias with eagerness. And the man looked briefly at Tobias' lips.
"How old are you even?" Eric snapped. He couldn't take it anymore. Now that he had accepted his feelings for Tobias, he could also recognize his jealousy. It was the only reason why he disliked their instructor. That, and his fluorescent yellow hair.
"I'm sorry?" Amar looked at him in disbelief. Eric realized it was the first time since Amar had caught up with them that he was even acknowledging Eric's presence, that he was even casting a glance in his direction. Eric blushed; it was fucking humiliating. Amar could do what he wanted because he was their superior. He could thoroughly ignore Eric and get close to Tobias.
Maybe Amar was underestimating Eric.
"You're too young to be an instructor, that must be it." Eric said, ignoring Tobias' stunned expression. "You're trying to make friends with an initiate. It's a problem not only because it shows just how desperate you must be to have a friend but also you are not allowed to get close with an initiate. That's written in the stack of paper you had to sign when you accepted your post as an instructor. Maybe you should look it up sometime."
"You little-" Amar snarled.
"I'm telling the truth," Eric stood straight, his head held high to make up for his height.
"Eric!" Tobias hissed, startling him. "That was fucking rude."
Eric gaped at him. It felt like Tobias was taking sides with fucking Amar. His heart took a blow. He sucked on his lip piercing and did his possible not to look hurt. "I'll see you later," he whispered before marching away, leaving Tobias with Amar.
xxx
Eric really wanted to kiss Tobias sometimes. And the latter didn't help. The boys were waiting for dinner, when the rankings would be revealed by the leaders. They were lying on their sides facing each other; they were too close in Eric's opinion but he wasn't going to complain either. He could observe the details of Tobias eyes. He had very long eyelashes, one couldn't really see them when he had his eyes open but right now his lids were half closed.
"Doesn't it hurt?" Tobias asked quietly.
"What does?" Eric focused back and noticed that Tobias was looking at his lips. He unconsciously licked them and his heart jumped out of his chest when Tobias reached out and pressed his fingers on Eric's lower lip. He gulped and willed himself to calm down.
"Your piercing." Tobias prodded it and then gently held it between his thumb and forefinger. Warmth spread through Eric's body, particularly towards his crotch. He wondered what would happen if he leaned in and sucked on Tobias' fingers.
He didn't try. "It hurt the first weeks when I would tug on it." He should have shut his mouth because Tobias tugged on the lip ring and Eric couldn't hold back a small groan. Then he cleared his throat. "Stop that." Luckily Tobias didn't even react at the groan; that or he was very good at hiding his feelings. The Tobias Eric knew would have blushed for sure or jerked back or pushed Eric away.
"Sorry," Tobias chuckled and removed his fingers from Eric's lips. Eric watched as he closed his eyes and smiled softly.
.
Tobias and Eric stood side by side at the Cafeteria, waiting among the other initiates for Max and Amar to reveal the final rankings. Eric was sure that the boy was going to be ranked first, he knew the counting system for the points by heart and had calculated Tobias' points, his and the others'. He knew Tobias was first and he had to be second. If the rankings proved him wrong then he needed to revise the counting system.
Eric didn't even try to listen to Max's speech.
Soon enough the rankings were revealed and Eric was proven right. Next to the number 1 was Tobias' name and Eric's was right below. The two boys hugged, with Eric slightly turning his head to breathe Tobias' scent and Tobias squeezing maybe a little too hard with his arms.
Dinner resumed then; the new members were invited to take seats and so were the initiates who were out. Those had to leave in the morning after breakfast, as Max had mentioned.
Of course Tobias and Eric took seats at a nearly empty table, side by side.
"We made it, Eric," Tobias smiled at him. "This is our new life. Here, together." He had tears in his eyes. Eric understood that it must be a huge relief for the boy; he was now safe from his abusive father and had everything to start a new life. He could even be a leader with his ranking.
"I'm glad. For you," Eric mumbled, wincing at his words. He could have worked on a sentence.
"Hey." Someone sat on the other side of Tobias. Eric didn't even need to look to recognize the voice. It was Amar and his hideous bright yellow hair. He rolled his eyes.
"So now that you're a full member of Dauntless, we can be friends," Amar said, his body angled towards Tobias on the bench. He even dared to put a hand on his shoulder.
Tobias smiled. "I guess so."
As the minutes passed, Tobias' body ended up angling toward their former instructor. They were having a happy conversation, a long one at that, and were completely ignoring Eric.
He spread his legs until his left thigh was pressed against Tobias' right thigh. It was stupid, he knew it, he just wanted to remind Tobias that he was still sitting there. He was beginning to believe that Amar was ignoring him on purpose. Amar had never said a word to Eric when he was talking with Tobias.
Eric knocked their knees in a desperate attempt. Tobias turned to look at him and flashed a bright smile before diving back into the conversation with Amar. The frustration and deep disappointment were making Eric restless on the bench. Tobias was not even aware that they were ignoring him. Tobias didn't see how Amar always made sure to let Eric out of the conversations.
"I'm going to bed now," Eric said.
"Already?"
"Yeah, I'll see you when you get back."
Eric put a hand on Tobias' arm as a parting gesture and stood up. As Tobias looked up at him Eric wondered if it was distress that he was seeing in Tobias' eyes. But then it was gone and Eric though that it couldn't be, with Amar being his new friend.
.
A/N: I hope you like how it's going! Tell me in the comments, I'm curious to see your opinion.
I don't like Amar's hair either.