Part 3 – Enclosure
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The new members of Dauntless were all assigned a small room with an adjoining bathroom. They would have to live there until they had worked and gained enough points to get a new apartment. All their rooms were in the same corridor and to Eric's disappointment, Tobias' room was at the end of the corridor, very far from his.
It was exciting to be settling in and in a few days they were to choose their jobs. Everyone except for Eric; because his fate had been decided years ago when he agreed to become Jeanine's Matthews project to be a Dauntless leader.
He couldn't avoid it any further; Eric was on the train to Erudite, the dread heavy in his guts. He didn't want to have anything to do with this stupid project. He just wanted to live as he wished and stop listening to everything Jeanine had to say.
He remembered at the beginning of the year how he thought it would be enough to have freedom for only a year. How he was wrong. Now that he had had a taste of freedom he didn't ever want to obey to anyone. Or at least not anyone he didn't respect. Surprisingly he realized it wouldn't bother him to obey the Dauntless leaders. Eric felt like he fully belonged here, even if he tested Erudite and even if from time to time his curiosity got the best of him and he longed to find a library. Dauntless was his home.
Max had handed him a small device that he had called a tablet; it was slim and had a tactile screen and apparently solid enough to be kept in a pocket. Jeanine had sent him a short message in which she was convoking him. He had pondered the whole night should he come or not.
The closer Eric was to Jeanine the more painful the knots in his stomach were. Soon enough he found himself knocking on the door of her office and she was calling him inside.
"Eric, how good to see you back," she offered him a fake smile. "Close the door behind you." Eric sat on the chair in front of her desk when she motioned for him to and he wiped his clammy hands on his trousers.
"I heard about the rankings, Eric." The smile was completely wiped off her face, now she just inspired coldness and Eric couldn't help the shiver creeping down his back. "That is disappointing. You had one mission and it was to rank first. I have trained you for three years and that's how you succeed?" Eric sucked at his lip piercing in annoyance and forced himself to keep his comments to himself. He remembered Jeanine to be frightening when angry and he did not come to experience that. "Max will vouch for you, but the other three leaders won't accept you that easily with your ranking. Tobias Eaton is the first ranked, I hear. Don't make him an obstacle," she sneered.
Eric gulped, fearing what Jeanine was going to suggest.
"Threaten him if you have to, hurt him, kill him. I couldn't care less. Tobias Eaton cannot take your place as the new leader. If you fail me you will regret it." She smiled. "For now your goal is to reach leadership. I've already arranged with Max the missions you will have to go on to adapt yourself to the field and find your place among the members of Dauntless. For a few months you will go on these missions and develop your skills as well as convince the Dauntless that you are worthy of leadership. No mistake, no failure is permitted. Am I clear?" She gave him a look so cold, Eric actually shivered again. He nodded and hoped that his movements weren't as trembling as they felt.
"Great. During this year there will be several meetings here. I will need to control your progress and make sure that your loyalty remains to Erudite." Eric closed his hands into fists. He was sure of one thing; his loyalty did not lie with this woman. "And don't you try anything reckless, dear, Max and I have our eyes set on you."
Eric had chosen this, years ago. He couldn't just drop out now, even if he wanted, he wasn't sure he could with Jeanine. He had no choice but to force himself into doing these missions and blend in. He would deal with the consequences later.
As soon as he was back at Dauntless, Max stopped him and presented him his mission. Eric was to leave in the morning with a group of six soldiers. A certain Anita who was the team's leader was going to be his tutor and guide him through the mission which was going to last two weeks, at the fence. Then worsening Eric's anxiety about it, Max spat a few words about Tobias, and insisted that if Eric failed to think of something, he would take the task of killing Tobias himself.
Eric headed straight for Tobias' room. He didn't knock, after all Tobias never knocked when he came to Eric's room.
He was greeted with a bright smile and then a long yawn. "Sorry," Tobias apologized, "I think I'll go to bed soon." Eric swallowed with difficulty.
"Are you interested in leadership?"
Tobias startled at the question and then laughed nervously. "No. You know my father is one of the leaders. So, that would mean bearing his presence at government reunions."
"I-" Eric inwardly insulted himself. "Sorry."
"No. It's fine. But you should accept it. I mean, eventually they're going to ask me and if I refuse they're going to turn to you." Relief flooded through Eric, no one was going to kill Tobias, he wouldn't have to threaten Tobias.
"I have to tell you something." Tobias stood up when he saw how serious Eric was. "Max asked if I would like to go on a mission at the fence. I said yes."
"That's really good Eric," Tobias grinned.
"We leave tomorrow."
"I-"
"For two weeks."
Tobias froze. "Two-" He looked at Eric in silence, for so long, it made Eric uncomfortable.
"Are you okay?"
"Am I- No, Eric." Tobias frowned and ran his hands through his hair. "No, I'm not okay. How am I supposed to survive? To live? I don't know anyone here." Warmth spread through Eric's chest as he realized just how important he was to Tobias. He mattered to Tobias, and he didn't think he'd ever experienced a feeling as good as this. "You've always been there," Tobias continued in a weak voice. "I don't- I don't know."
"You're going to be fine," Eric tried. He didn't know what to tell Tobias. He didn't want to go either. It broke his heart to leave Tobias alone; he looked so distressed. He didn't want to be a leader. He wanted to choose a job with Tobias and wanted to stay with him. Hell, he was even ready to work at the fence if it meant they could stay together. But that wasn't his future and he knew it. He had to become the new leader and was to work under Jeanine for as long as she wanted him to.
If only he hadn't decided at thirteen to be part of her ridiculous project.
"When do you leave exactly?"
"We leave at 0500."
"So I won't- see you. Can't you sleep in my room?" Tobias looked at him with so much hope.
"I mean, uh." Eric struggled to find his words. He really hadn't expected Tobias to be that reluctant to let him go. Plus he seemed to like spending his time with Amar. "I still haven't packed my bag." Eric felt his cheeks warm up at the thought of them sleeping in Tobias' small bed.
"It was stupid, forget it."
"No, no. I'll stay," Eric said softly. "I'll just wake up earlier than I expected. I don't have much to pack anyway. My tutor is providing all my equipment."
"O- kay." Tobias slowly walked forward, until he was standing really close to Eric. The latter was frozen, his voice caught in his throat; Tobias had really long eyelashes. Why was he approaching that much? For a short moment, Eric thought that Tobias was going to kiss him. He sucked in his lip piercing and forced himself to calm down.
But then Tobias tucked his head beside Eric's and wrapped his arms around Eric's shoulders. Eric shut his eyes close, trying to believe in the moment. Their chests were pressed together and he was overwhelmed by Tobias' scent, his warmth. The hug was a very long one, Eric wasn't going to complain; he eventually awkwardly closed his arms around Tobias' waist and their embrace tightened. He wished they had done that earlier. It felt really fucking good.
"I'm going to miss you," Tobias said in a trembling voice.
Eric didn't know what to say. He just grabbed a fistful of Tobias' shirt on his back and pressed them even closer.
"You have Amar. You won't be alone." Eric hated having to rely on Amar. He hated that Amar knew something about Tobias that he didn't. Tobias had already explained that he had a 'problem' and that Amar knew it only because he had found out on his own. Eric couldn't help but feel jealous.
"No I- I'm not completely comfortable with him. I mean, he's kind and funny, I like him. But- I guess with time."
"Stick with him. He'll help you if you need something." With the way he looks at you and flirts, Eric thought dryly.
"I guess."
Eric wondered if hugs were supposed to be that long. Tobias wasn't letting go, he didn't want to either, so they stayed like that. Pushed by a dangerous urge, Eric slightly turned his head until his lips were brushing against Tobias' cheek. Tobias didn't push him away, so Eric pressed his hot lips very lightly there. His arms felt numb and the tips of his fingers were tingling and Eric hoped that Tobias couldn't feel the beating of his heart against his chest.
"We should go to sleep," Eric whispered after some time. After all he would have to wake up at 0430 to get ready and meet his tutor at the train tracks.
They settled in Tobias' small bed, lying on their sides, facing each other. Tiredness took over quickly, Eric only had the strength to settle the alarm of his watch for 0430; then he stared at Tobias' eyes and fell asleep.
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Eric's alarm woke him in a start and as he sat up, he saw that it hadn't bothered Tobias' sleep. The boy was sprawled on his stomach, his hair a tousled mess and his cheek squished by the pillow they had shared. It was an endearing sight; Eric could not resist, he lightly ran his hand through Tobias' soft hair and smiled to himself.
He studied Tobias' traits, knowing that he wouldn't be able to see his boy for the next two weeks. If only he could kiss him goodbye. He couldn't complain; their hug last night had been overwhelming and had given him the best feelings.
Eric stroked the small hairs at Tobias' nape and leaned in. "I'll miss you, too," he whispered.
xxx
Two weeks having slept in a sleeping bag on the ground had exhausted Eric like he'd not been in ages. His body ached everywhere, especially the muscles of his shoulders. It kind of felt like the first few weeks on his training back in Erudite when he was thirteen.
He hadn't brought a mirror with him but he knew that he had awful bags under his eyes. His beard had also grown considerably and he was glad that Tobias wasn't there to see him in this state. He just had one wish, and it was to sleep in his bed and take a damn good shower with hot water. Also to see Tobias.
How he missed him. He missed doing everything with him. He missed seeing the crinkles by his eyes when he laughed and his long eyelashes. He missed Tobias' constant presence and his warmth whenever they sat close together. The weight of his head on his shoulder, his voice, the softness of his hair.
He was going fucking insane, thinking about someone's soft hair and it was entirely Tobias' fault. He was so whipped.
Eric hoped that Tobias hadn't spent an awful two weeks and that Amar had helped him. And what job had Tobias chosen?
Anita, Eric and the others arrived during dinner at the compound so it was mostly empty as everyone was at the Cafeteria. Anita smiled warmly at Eric and complimented him once again on the mission and they parted ways. He was headed to the corridor where the rooms of the new members of the faction were while she had a bigger apartment upstairs.
When he had finally closed the door of his room behind him, Eric sighed heavily and dropped his huge bag at the foot of his bed. He bent to unlace his combat boots and then stood there for a minute, rubbing at his face.
The next step was to take a shower and then eat dinner. He couldn't wait to find Tobias, really, but for now he had one urge and it was to sleep, shower or not. He sighed again, knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep when he knew that Tobias was just there.
So Eric entered his bathroom and when he flicked on the lights he almost gasped at his reflection. Indeed he had huge bags under his eyes, his beard looked horrendous and he had some dirt on his forehead that apparently no one had deemed important to mention. His hair was also getting so long; he was constantly pushing them back and the longer ones were brushing against his shoulders. He looked like a factionless.
He first shaved his beard and of course he cut himself on the chin. Then he brushed his teeth twice and only after that he stepped under the hot spray of the shower. He scrubbed his body thoroughly and sighed several times at the wonderful smell of his bodywash. Eric didn't think he had ever enjoyed a shower as much as he did now.
And so, fucking tired and almost swaying with sleepiness, but at least clean and dressed in fresh clothes, Eric headed to the Cafeteria.
It only took him a minute to locate Tobias. He looked so bright and beautiful, laughing and smiling and talking confidently. Eric grinned like a fool, watching the boy, barely caring that Tobias was talking and laughing with Amar.
Eric walked to their table and when he was stood behind Tobias he settled a hand on his shoulder. Everything that happened next was in a blur. Tobias startled, turned, his face lit up and he scrambled to stand up and he crushed Eric in a hug, his arms around Eric's neck.
"Eric," he said softly.
Eric grabbed him at the waist and pulled him back to look at him. They stood for a moment looking at each other and grinned like idiots, Eric having completely forgotten his exhaustion.
"How were the two weeks for you?" Eric asked.
"How was it for you?"
"Great. What job did you choose?"
"I work in the control rooms." Tobias scratched the back of his neck. "But what about you? You weren't there when we had to choose."
"Max said I could choose later because I was on a mission."
"He wants you in leadership then!"
"I guess, yeah. But how was it for you?"
"Fine," Tobias smiled. "Like you said, Amar was there with me the whole time."
Eric let out at breathless laugh but he was interrupted by Amar coming up right beside Tobias.
"Hello, Eric," he said. Eric almost snarled; he hadn't missed Amar's yellow fluorescent hair and his superior smug face. He didn't answer but he nodded curtly.
The three sat back with Tobias between them. Eric told Tobias about his mission and Amar kept commenting to get back Tobias' attention. It was so pathetic that Eric eventually stopped talking, a bit stunned by Amar's immature behavior.
Eric had almost forgotten about Amar's little game. He ended up eating in silence, his heart painful in his chest. Amar loved to steer the conversation between him and Tobias while carefully ignoring Eric. That's exactly what he did and as always Tobias didn't notice. He stayed silent because he didn't have the heart to pick up a fight right now and wipe away Tobias' smile.
"Tobias," Eric interrupted Amar. "I have to get some sleep, I'm knackered." In his imagination Tobias would go to bed with him and maybe they could sleep in the same bed again.
"Oh-" Tobias pushed away his plate and Eric almost believed that he would come with him.
"Wait, I haven't finished my story," Amar said brightly.
Of fucking course. It couldn't have been that easy. Eric wanted to wipe away that smug smile from Amar's face. Did he think he was superior to Eric because he knew Tobias' secret? Eric closed his hands into fists. Yes, he knew Tobias' secret and maybe he was right to feel superior because Tobias wouldn't trust Eric.
"Eric," Tobias began. He looked hesitant. "I think I'll stay a bit. But I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast, right?"
Eric nodded and dragged his feet away from the pair, hating himself for having stupid feelings for Tobias.
If Eric had hoped that breakfast was going to go smoothly he had been so wrong. That applied to every other meal. Amar was actually stuck to Tobias' side. Didn't he have other things to do besides flirting all day with a seventeen-year-old boy?
"Eric," Tobias smiled, "Amar and I are going to the training room right before lunch to work out for a bit. Do you want to come?"
Did he? He didn't. He didn't want to come and watch Amar flirt relentlessly and jump on every occasion to touch Tobias while the latter let him and laughed encouragingly. He didn't want to witness that. Jealousy was consuming him at every lunch and dinner and his heart was breaking a bit more each time.
Training sessions were also supposed to be their thing. It was their thing before Amar came up and decided to help Tobias with his fucking secret.
It had been only four days since he had come back from his mission and he already wanted to be away. It hurt him so fucking much to watch the man interact with Tobias. And the worse was that he didn't have a say in it; Tobias was just his friend and Eric couldn't stop him from spending his time with Amar. He was forced to watch in silence and suffer and hate himself for being so weak. Were his feelings ever going to fade away?
"Come with us, Eric." Amar smirked and draped an arm around Tobias' shoulders. Eric hated him. The fucker had to know about Eric's feelings. He had to. And he was tempting him. Why was Tobias even letting him put his fucking arm there?
As childish as it was, Eric ignored them and dropped his fork on the table. The next second he was up and marching away from the Cafeteria. He heard Tobias' voice calling him back but he didn't want to look back. It hurt less to walk away than to stay and watch them. It shattered him to even think about it but he wondered if it wouldn't be better for him to stay away altogether. After all Tobias had a friend now, he didn't need Eric. He could very well survive without him.
His device buzzed in his pocket and he reached to check it. It was a message from Jeanine Matthews. He was summoned for a meeting as soon as possible.
He really should focus on more important things. With his resolution in mind he headed to Erudite.
Though during the train ride, it didn't stop him from thinking back of the long hug Tobias and he had exchanged before the mission.
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Jeanine had asked for a full report of his mission to follow his integration in the faction and confirmation that Tobias Eaton wouldn't take the leadership position. Then she sent him back to Dauntless, telling him that she was proud of Eric with a motherly smile. It did nothing but disgust Eric.
When he was headed back to his room, someone grabbed his arm and he almost took a swing at them before recognizing Anita.
"Hey. Everything okay, Eric?" She asked gently. Eric and Anita had developed a special relationship during their mission. While she was scary and intimidating with the other soldiers of her team, she had shown compassion and gentleness with Eric. Though it was only from time to time, and when there weren't too many people around them. Eric was glad that she had been there; he wouldn't have survived emotionally without her.
"Yeah," he said softly.
"You need to see Max now. My team is leaving this afternoon-"
"Already?"
"Yeah, I know. I'm fucking tired. But orders are orders. Anyway I think you're on my team again, so find Max to check and then- well, pack your bags."
"Alright," Eric sighed heavily.
"Cheer up, soldier!" she raised her voice.
"Yes, Ma'am."
Eric didn't see Tobias again before he left. As Anita had asked he'd been to Max's office and indeed the leader had assigned him on Anita's new mission. Eric missed lunch to pack and take a nap. Sleep was very precious, he knew it now.
With a heavy heart he went away on a three weeks mission in Amity with Anita and her team. They would have to patrol constantly and find a certain group of factionless who was stealing from the Amity's farms.
xxx
When Eric caught sight of Tobias in the Cafeteria for the first time in three whole weeks, he almost wanted to turn back. It was fucking good to see him again. But it was also so painful and unfair.
Amar was there; he put his hands on either sides of Tobias' head and kissed him on the hairline. Tobias laughed and pushed him away jokingly.
Eric took a deep breath and walked to them. He put his hand on Tobias' shoulder to greet him.
"Eric!" Tobias smiled. He stood up and gave Eric a one-armed hug, patting his back.
Eric was taken aback. That felt completely different than the hugs they used to exchange. It tugged a bit at his heart but he ignored the feeling and sat beside Tobias. He answered his questions while studying his face. He still had the same eyes and same eyelashes, but three weeks away and he had almost forgotten the details.
"It's funny to see you with a beard," Tobias remarked with a small smile. He reached to touch it. Once again Eric had forgotten to bring a razor with him on the mission and he wasn't exactly friends with the men from Anita's team so he hadn't asked. They didn't accept easily that a seventeen-year-old boy was on their team as their equal. Now he had a three-week beard and he knew it was awful and yet Tobias was smiling gently.
"It looks weird on you," Amar laughed. Eric didn't even spare a look in his direction and smiled at Tobias.
After that Amar took the conversation over and steered Tobias' attention away from Eric.
Eric hated the way Amar was looking at Tobias. There was something in his eyes whenever Tobias talked; like want. Eric loathed it. It frustrated him that Tobias was oblivious to Amar's intentions.
He willed himself to stay calm because he didn't want Amar to see that he had an effect on Eric's nerves. He just spread his thighs to touch Tobias' as always, to remind him he was there. At one moment when Amar leaned too close, Eric knocked his knee with Tobias'. Tobias' hand reached out to hold Eric's knee and only when Amar was finished with his stupid story, Tobias finally turned towards him with a scowl.
"What?" he snapped.
Eric glared. "Nothing. I'm just going back to my room. It was good to see you too."
"Eric, no. I'm sorry!"
Eric still walked away. He didn't go directly to his room; he went to the tattoo parlor and got himself a new piercing on the ear.
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A bit jaded, Eric stood before Jeanine's desk and pretended to listen to her usual speech. He began to pay attention when he noticed the speech getting different from the other times.
"Now that you've had your introduction to Dauntless' missions we can put you in harder ones. You'll stay on Anita's team-" Eric almost sighed in relief at that, "-but three other teams will work with hers. You will be in the Ruins, for at least a month. It will be plenty of time for you to prove yourself not only to the soldiers in Anita's team but in every other team. Show them how good you are, show them your leader nature." She marked a pause, studying Eric's face and then she smiled that creepy smile. "Don't worry, Eric. It will only be like this for a few months but then you will have to stay in Dauntless to prove yourself there. You will be ready for leadership very soon."
xxx
When Eric came back from his one-month mission and entered the Cafeteria, he didn't expect anything from Tobias this time. It was just good and relieving to find Tobias in one piece, talking confidently and simply being happy with his new life.
Tobias tried to hug him in greeting but Eric didn't let him. He didn't need hugs if they were going to be empty of feelings, one-armed and quick. He squeezed Tobias' arm, smiled tightly and sat. After some time Tobias sat back too.
"Hey Four! Listen to this." It was Amar's stupid voice. Four?
"Yeah?" Tobias answered.
"Four?" Eric couldn't hold himself back.
Tobias actually blushed at that. "Yeah!" Amar cut in. "That's how we call him now. Four. I found the name! It stands for the number of his fears."
Eric stayed silent, trying to decide who was more stupid. Amar for thinking of this ridiculous name or Tobias for letting people call him a number.
"Oh, if you didn't know, Four only has four fears but-"
"Yes, thank you, I already knew that, Amar. You know what? I think that's a brilliant idea. Maybe we should all call ourselves by numbers."
"Eric!" Tobias snapped. "Stop being fucking rude."
"Sorry, Four. I simply loved the idea." Eric ignored Tobias' sad eyes and stared straight ahead at an invisible point the rest of dinner. He did his best to also ignore Amar's shameless flirting for the rest of dinner but inside he was burning and his nails cut through the skin inside of his hand.
Before heading back to his room he went to get another piercing on the ear.
.
This time the meeting with Jeanine was completely different. She hadn't talked about Eric's case at all. She presented him a recap of her project to remind him everything that was to be done once he was a leader. She talked about a serum she would use on the whole Dauntless faction. That was a revelation to Eric. He was frozen. He had almost forgotten. When he was fourteen she had already presented him the idea of an army but he had never thought she would have succeeded to create the fucking serum. She actually planned on injecting the serum to everyone and to control them. She was mad.
"Am I clear?"
"Yes," he cleared his throat. "I was wondering. Is it necessary to make use of this serum?"
"What have gotten into your mind?" Jeanine raised her eyebrows.
"I just- I-"
"Eric, enough. I don't want you to question my plans. I didn't call for this meeting for you to question the serum. The plan is flawless. Am I clear?"
"Y- yes, Ma'am."
xxx
The next five months were repetitive and Eric became indifferent with the events of his life. He would spend a few weeks in the ruins with Anita, his fellow soldiers and the other teams. The lifestyle was harsh but he had learned to cope with it and never complained about anything.
The worst in the missions was to witness the beating of factionless people. And when he had to hit a factionless he shut his emotions and executed the order.
At night when everyone else was sleeping in their cots Eric would sit and stare at the horizon for hours. It took a lot of his sleeping time but he just knew that he couldn't fall asleep directly with his thoughts occupied by the men and women they had beaten up or killed.
Anita tried to help; she tried to talk to Eric at night but the latter shut her out. Eric was thankful that she was here but he couldn't talk. Because even though Eric always refused to talk, Anita was still there, sitting beside him and giving up on sleeping hours just to support him. She talked in whispers, a never ending flow, her voice soothing; she talked about nothing, told him stories, as long as she pushed away the silence. Because silence was dreadful. When there was silence, his dark thoughts came back. Thoughts about every person he was ordered to hit or kill, thoughts about being pathetic, cruel, unethical, disgusting. He hated himself. But it was fine because Anita was always here and she fought away the thoughts.
When the missions were over it was back at Dauntless. Eric didn't know what was the worst between being back at home and watching Amar and Tobias being practically a couple or being in the Ruins and terrorizing the factionless people. Eric still loved the boy and his heart hurt more than ever. But it was fine because maybe Eric deserved it.
It was always the same; Eric would sit beside Tobias and Amar –never in front, or else he would be forced to watch- and stare straight ahead. He still answered to Tobias' questions about his missions and asked about Tobias' life to check if everything was alright. But he didn't open his mouth for anything else and had stopped acknowledging Amar's presence.
Outside lunch and dinner, Eric stayed in his room or spent his time working out in the training room. He also went to get a new piercing each time Tobias was particularly hurtful.
That's how it went for five months. Eric knew that it was slowly destroying him if he didn't change something. Maybe he should avoid Tobias and Amar when he was back in the faction.
He felt pathetic for his persistent love for Tobias. He barely talked to the boy, they barely spent time together. And yet he always was there in his mind. He was maybe the only positive thought in Eric's head.
xxx
Last night, Eric had barely slept. It had been the last night of the mission and a thunderstorm had been raging. Eric hadn't felt secure at all. His team and he were always sleeping in the Ruins or in small shelters when on mission. That night they had been in a building in the Ruins. It was awful. The thunders were louder than he was used to because the windows were broken and the presence of his team did nothing to calm him down. Anita was asleep because Eric had forced her to; it was the last night after all.
So when he came back that evening he had one thought in mind, and it was to shower and sleep. He was so tired he was sure he would fall asleep as soon as his head would hit the pillow. He still had to eat dinner before.
He entered the Cafeteria trying to catch sight of Tobias and Amar since they were always together now. He couldn't find either of them. He gingerly sat alone at a table. He ate slowly, he appetite cut short with his imagination. He couldn't help but think about Tobias and Amar not being here. Where were they? And most importantly, what were they doing? Eric huffed and abandoned his plate, he wasn't even hungry. What Tobias was doing wasn't his business. Shower and then sleep. And then he'd find Tobias in the morning.
Eric stopped short when he was walking through the Pit. Tobias was there, sitting against a wall, without Amar. Eric jogged to him; it had been so long since the last time they had seen each other. His smile dropped. Tobias had his shoulder set up; Eric knew him enough to know that something was wrong. It was Tobias' body's way of protecting itself when he felt scared or sad.
"Tobias?" He murmured tentatively. The boy's eyes shot up to meet his and Eric felt his heart constrict. Tobias' eyes filled up with tears and his eyebrows turned sadly. Eric scrambled to kneel right in front of him and settled his hands on each cheek. "Are you hurt? Are you alright?" Tobias let out a sob and ducked his head. His hands reached to grip Eric's wrists and he held on. "Babe, what's wrong?" Eric said as softly as possible. He realized soon that he wouldn't talk and it hurt him so much to see him in such a state. "Let's get you somewhere else alright?" Tobias jerked his head up and down and let himself be lifted to his feet. Eric slid a hand around his waist and stuttered out a breath when the taller boy pressed his face against his neck. Eric understood that he didn't want to see around them, and he led them away from the Pit.
Soon enough they arrived at Eric's room and the latter made his friend sit on his bed. It hurt him to be so close to Tobias so he tried to pry the hands that were gripping his shirt away but Tobias wouldn't let go. "Don't leave me, please," he croaked out. Eric wasn't torn in choosing between comforting Tobias and suffering in silence or sitting on his sofa and letting Tobias alone on the bed. He would always put Tobias' will in front of his. That's why he settled beside him and let the boy lean against his shoulder.
"Want to tell me what happened?" Eric tried.
Tobias was silent for so long it didn't seem like he wanted to talk but then he took a deep breath. "Amar is dead."
"What?" Amar was dead? "H-how?"
"I don't know," Tobias' chin trembled, "they just said he was dead. It's been three weeks he hasn't come back. He's really dead, Eric."
"I'm, I'm so sorry, babe." Tobias made a small noise in the back of his throat and pressed his nose against Eric's collarbone. "So sorry." It was true. Even if Eric had hated the man, he couldn't ever feel happy with the death of anyone. And Tobias was devastated. He hadn't seen him cry since initiation, when the other initiates would bully him and Eric had to hug him afterwards.
"It's fine. I know you didn't like him." How weak his voice sounded. Eric hugged him closer.
"It doesn't mean I wanted him gone. I'm truly sorry."
For a few minutes the only sounds that could be heard were Tobias' sniffing noises. Eric didn't even care that he was wetting his shirt. He didn't let go. He didn't want to ever let go. He loved this boy so much.
"I missed this," Tobias mumbled.
Eric's throat was so dry, he swallowed on nothing. He wanted to say 'me too' he had missed it so badly. But he was the one that had created the distance between them. It was his fault.
"Why are you so close but so far away every time?" He asked, his lips grazing against Eric's skin. It was as if he had heard Eric's thoughts.
Because I love you. But you can't know. Eric answered him in his head.
"Your hair is really long now," Tobias mumbled, clearly not waiting for an answer on the previous question. He reached to glide his fingers through the end of his hair that fell past his shoulders.
"I didn't really want to cut them."
Tobias nodded. "Eric, can I stay the night?"
"Yeah, sure. Of course you can." He squeezed his shoulder. "Can I leave you alone?" He saw Tobias' distress on his face and hurried to clarify. "I just came back from my mission, I need to shower."
"Okay," Tobias mumbled and leaned back. Eric watched as he removed his shoes and scooted to the headboard.
"I'll be quick," Eric stood up. He rummaged through his drawers for clean clothes and then he was in his bathroom. True to his words, he didn't even wait for the water to heat up before stepping under the spray of the shower. He poured shampoo in his hand and washed his long black hair as quickly as he could. Then he rubbed the dirt and sweat off of his skin and stood under the hot spray of water to rinse. After that he was out of the shower and quickly drying off with a towel and fully dressed in comfortable clothes. The fatigue came up to him hard as soon as he was dressed.
He walked out of the bathroom to find Tobias under the covers in his bed. He shut out the lights except for his beside lamp and slid in next to a sleeping Tobias.
Eric tried to sleep; he was lying on his back his eyes closed. He was trying to forget that Tobias was in his bed and lying so close that he could feel his body warmth and his toes grazing against his calf. It was no use trying. He was so nervous that his hands were sweating. He wiped them against his shirt and opened his eyes. He turned his head slightly and Tobias was staring right back at him, lying on his side.
"You okay?" Eric's voice rasped.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being here."
Eric nodded. They stayed still for a very long time staring at each other's eyes, not saying a word. Until Tobias's eyes trailed to his lips and stayed there for what felt like forever. "Tobias?" That startled him; Tobias twisted on his back, his breathing loud. He was rubbing at his neck with one hand. Eric ignored him and closed his eyes to try to sleep again. He shouldn't read too much into things. It was silent again for a moment but then Tobias moved and Eric opened his eyes at the sound of the rustling. Tobias' lips were parted, he was leaning closer and closer, one hand came to rest against Eric's shoulder. Too close. Eric jerked away before Tobias could connect their lips and sat up. His heartbeat had picked up. Was he dreaming? No, no. "Did you just-?"
Tobias was slowly sitting up too, the covers slipping from his form; he looked flustered and scared. "What-?" Eric asked, not even knowing what to say, hope building in his chest but also incomprehension.
Tobias gulped. "I don't- I don't know. Don't hate me."
Eric saw red. His heart broke even more, if it was possible. "I'm not a replacement!" He exclaimed. "Just because your boyfriend is gone doesn't mean I'll let you kiss me!"
Tears welled up in Tobias' eyes. "He was not my boyfriend."
"Whatever," Eric hissed. "I'm not a replacement!" He was already regretting mentioning Amar and wanted to hit himself.
"Please, can you just forget what happened? I'm not even into guys." When Tobias said it, he hid his face in his hands.
It felt like someone had just stabbed Eric. Nothing had ever happened between Amar and Tobias but nothing could ever happen between him and Tobias either. Tobias wanted to forget. Forget that he just tried to kiss him.
Eric closed his eyes. He calmed himself by counting to ten in his head. Tobias was the priority; he was grieving Amar. "Just go to sleep. I'll take the couch."
"No, stay."
"Tobias, you need to rest, alright, you're sad." Eric stood from the bed.
"Stop doing that!" Tobias yelled.
"Doing what?" Eric snapped back.
"Taking care of me! I'm not fragile!"
"For fuck's sake, you're the one who were clinging to me earlier!"
"Ugh," he groaned, "You infuriate me!"
"Just shut up and go to sleep." Eric showed his back and plopped down on the sofa. He gingerly removed his sweatpants and lay back angrily. Tobias grunted but eventually he pulled the covers over him.
"I hate you so much," he said. Eric ignored the boy and closed his eyes.
.
The morning wasn't better for Eric. Each time he thought his pain couldn't get worse, he was proven wrong by Tobias himself. Right before they went out for breakfast, Tobias stopped him with hands on his shoulders. That had perked some small hope; maybe he wanted to kiss him again. Eric had always wondered how it would feel to have Tobias' lips on his.
"Eric. We need to stop this. We always fight and it's stupid. Can't we act like adults and stop jumping at each other's throat?"
Eric scoffed at that. Adults? They were seventeen. If Eric were an adult, maybe he'd be more in control of himself, then maybe he would be able to stop loving this stupid boy. The feelings had to fade away with time, right?
"Eric."
"What?" he snapped.
"See? You just snapped at me for no reason. We need to stop this." Eric crossed his arms. "Please. I miss you." Tobias whispered the last words. Eric almost wanted to laugh at the stab he felt in his chest. His friend was apparently determined to make him suffer the most. He wanted to accept. But he was so tired.
"If I say yes," he said lowly, "will you tell me what's that secret you've been holding from me?"
Tobias looked so sad at that, it was so painful to watch. "Eric, you know I can't tell you."
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I do. I just can't. Please, I need you to understand."
Eric took a step back. He couldn't do this to himself anymore. He was destroying himself by staying with Tobias. "No, I don't understand, Four. I never did, okay? I just stopped asking because it was hurting you."
"Don't call me Four."
"Isn't it your name now?"
"Not for you," Tobias croaked, his hand reaching out.
"Stop it." Eric turned away. Tobias was so cruel with him. "What we need to do is to stop being friends." No, he was the cruel one. He found it was even more painful to hurt Tobias than Tobias hurting him was. Tobias had just lost a close friend, Amar, and now Eric was leaving him? Take it back, take it back, Eric repeated to himself.
"Why are you being like this? We could be like we were during initiation. Don't you miss it?"
Of fucking course I miss you. But I can't do this to myself anymore. His hands shook at his sides when he spoke again. "No."
Something snapped in Tobias. While he looked hurt before, now he just inspired betrayal and anger. Eric knew it would be the last time he could see him up close. He tried to take in as much as he could, ignoring his shattering insides. He was so beautiful. His strong jaw was clenched, his blue eyes were piercing and his hair was messed up from of the pillow. Eric placed a hand on the side of the boy's neck. He was still very warm from sleep. "Goodbye, Four." The latter jerked away from his touch.
"You know, that's funny," Tobias hissed. "Don't think I don't know that you're hiding something too. You were way too good for an Erudite transfer during initiation and you knew way too much. And your missions? I just never said anything. Because I trusted you," his voice cracked, "and I knew that if you were keeping a secret from me, then you had to have a good reason." He breathed heavily after that and was out of the room in a second.
Eric didn't cry. He changed his clothes and walked calmly to the training room where he beat a dummy for forty minutes. When he left, the dummy wasn't holding itself straight anymore and his knuckles were bleeding and swollen.
He almost roared in anger when he felt his tablet vibrate in his jacket; it was a request for a meeting from Jeanine.
He decided that he would come late and throw her some lousy excuse. He had to get a new piercing. His little ritual to get some part of his face pierced each time Tobias hurt him was maybe silly and childish, but it actually kept him in track. It reminded him to just cope, and to be prepared for Tobias' next strike at his heart. Because he was resolved that it wouldn't stop, whatever caused it; fate, maybe, Eric would always hurt in some way because of his love for Tobias.
.
"Eric good to see you again. Let's get to business. Take a seat please."
"I'd rather be standing."
Jeanine pursed her lips. "Don't play with my temper. Sit."
Eric rolled his eyes but did as asked.
"Max gave me his report on you. Now that you've completed a great amount of missions successfully and managed to impress most the soldiers you were working with, I've decided it is time you have your own team. Max will assign you soldiers who will work under your direct orders. You will be given an easy mission to begin with.
"Our goal is very near, you will soon be a leader and our project will be executed perfectly. For now I want you to read these papers. It will give you a better idea on the serum we will be using on Dauntless. Am I clear?" She asked, handing him a folder.
Eric almost rolled his eyes. "Very." He gave her the fakest smile he could muster and she raised an eyebrow. Oh how he wanted to punch her perfect face and destroy her office.
"Eric," her voice was stern. "I don't like your behavior. You are acting like a child throwing a tantrum. If you don't correct your attitude I will make sure that you do. I have ways-"
"And how?" Eric cut her loudly. He laughed without humor. "Tell me, how? What can you do?" He couldn't hold his mouth any longer but how good it felt to talk back and the look on her face was priceless. It was gone in a second and she glared.
"Believe me, I have ways to make you shut your mouth. Drop the attitude and obey the orders, Eric. I know how to make you suffer, I know where to strike."
"You keep talking! But you don't say anything! I'm fed up with this shit. Fuck you, I'm out of there." Eric stood up, threw the folder on her desk, kicked back his chair for good measure and marched away, slamming the door behind him.
For once he had stood up for himself and it felt damn good. He jogged down the stairs of the building and sprinted to the train tracks, adrenaline pushing him faster and exaltation making him smile.
When he was calmer and leaning against the door of the speeding train he just couldn't keep the image of Jeanine away from his head when he had stormed out. She had been smiling; not glaring or protesting, but smiling. She was freaking him out and he couldn't deny that he was a bit scared. Was she preparing something against him? Could she kill him?
.
"Eric, here you are," Max found him at the Chasm. Eric decided to come here during dinner because he was tired of shutting himself in his room. The place was very loud with the water crashing with power against the stone wall. It was oddly calming.
"You didn't come to see me in my office. Here is the list of the soldiers who will be under your orders." He held out a folder. "Read it and tell me if you want any change made. Also you're leaving tomorrow night."
Eric didn't take the folder. He eyed it and then looked up at Max. "I won't take it, Sir."
"What do you mean you won't take it?"
"See Jeanine. I'm not leaving tomorrow night and I'm not having a bunch for soldiers listening to me ordering them to beat up the Factionless."
"Jeanine said-"
"With all due respect, Sir," Eric cut him, "I don't see why I should obey to Jeanine Matthews from Erudite."
"What's wrong with you, son?" Max shook his head and when he saw that Eric wouldn't talk, he walked away, folder in hand.
Eric finally relaxed, and sighed heavily. Good, he had stood up to Max and Jeanine. Maybe it wasn't too late to pick a job for himself in the faction.
The next few days Eric kept a low profile. He was tired of everything. He had thought that freeing himself of Jeanine and Tobias would have done him good but now he just couldn't find a goal in his life. He kept questioning himself about the purpose of his existence. He'd always been a follower, since he'd accepted to be Jeanine Matthews' project.
He spent his days in his bed and sometimes at the Chasm, listening to the water. He didn't go to eat at the Cafeteria with everyone, knowing that Tobias would be there and it was just so painful to see him. Not to mention that Tobias was the picture of sadness, grieving his lost friend, Amar. Eric also hated himself for not feeling any regret for Amar's death.
Whenever Eric saw Tobias he wanted to comfort him but then he remembered that he had decided to stay away from him. Eric hated being dependent of Tobias. He just knew that it was less painful to be away than to be next to the boy.
Looking down at the threatening waters of the Chasm, Eric wondered if he would ever find a purpose in living.
"Eric?"
He jumped, almost letting out a yelp. It was Anita's voice.
She dropped heavily on her bum, right next to him so that they sat together, their legs tangling in the emptiness of the Chasm.
"So apparently you're going to have your own team? And you won't be on mine anymore?"
"I- no. I'm not. It's complicated." Eric couldn't really tell her that he was not going to take 'his' made up team.
"There's something fishy with you, Eric. You're so young and yet they give you soldiers?" Eric shrugged. "But it's fine. I trust you."
He ducked his head so that she wouldn't see him blush.
"Anyway I came to tell you goodbye. I'm leaving tomorrow morning, again, and I'll be gone for a while." Eric nodded silently and almost yelped –again- when she slid an arm around his shoulders and crushed him to her chest quite violently. "Hey," she whispered very lowly, "I don't know what's wrong with you, Eric but don't let them destroy you. There's something precious," she poked him on the chest, "right there. So don't let them take it from you. Do what you have to do and don't be stupid." Eric's cheeks were burning in embarrassment and maybe his eyes were a bit teary. He nodded against her and as violently as before, she let him go and raised her voice. "Oh, I'll miss you. It's been six months. Six months with me, can you believe? You're my baby now." She leaned in and gave him a loud kiss on the cheek. "See you, baby." With that said, she went away, smirking, leaving a blushing Eric behind.
xxx
Eric woke up in start to loud banging on his door. "What the fuck?" he whispered to no one. His heartrate picked up as he hurried to pull on his clothes and then he grabbed his bludgeon and stopped right in front of his door. He took a few calming breaths and yanked the door open.
There was no one waiting for him with a weapon. Just a limp body on the floor, a man. His heart stopped. It was Tobias. Bloodied and bruised, Tobias was at Eric's feet, eyes closed.
Eric rushed to his knees, and pressed two fingers on his neck. He let out at sigh and a strangled noise when he felt a steady pulse. "Fuck." Tears were pricking his eyes but he ignored them altogether, dropped the bludgeon right there on the corridor floor and gathered the tall boy in his arms. He grunted as he picked up his heavy body into his room. He lay him on his bed carefully and then rushed to lock the door and switch on the light.
The bruises were painful to watch. Eric couldn't allow himself to think, he concentrated on the task at hand; cleaning Tobias' face and nursing his bruises.
The boy had his lip cut and blood on his nose and on one side of his face. Eric had enough knowledge to know his nose was at least not broken. As he cleaned with wet compresses he discovered that the blood came from the side of his eyebrow. It was open and Eric knew he would have to sew it. He slid on gloves and set to work, steadily and precisely, recalling everything he knew about sewing wounds.
When he was finished he threw away the red stained compresses, the needle and his gloves. Then he fetched ice and made an icepack with a flannel. He held it to Tobias' cheek and began to process everything that had happened in the last hour.
He had opened his door to a bloodied Tobias, took care of his wounds. Who had done this to Tobias? What would Tobias think when he would wake up and find Eric when they'd agreed not to talk to each other again. They weren't friends anymore. Eric's hands trembled as he looked down sadly at Tobias. His eyebrow had stopped bleeding; he had done a great work sewing it.
He was beautiful. Eric reached with his free hand and stroked his cheek very softly as if he was the most precious and the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He let his fingers wander to the soft black hair at his temple and stroked. Eric clenched his eyes shut and leaned down until his forehead was pressing lightly against Tobias'. "Who did this to you?" Eric asked quietly in a painful voice. The person who had done this had dropped him right in front of Eric's door. It made no sense.
Tobias' eyes moved under his lids and he frowned. He tried to shift but winced. "Fuck," he said in a raspy voice. Eric leaned back and could tell that Tobias' breathing was quickening; he was panicking, his breaths short.
"Tobias, open your eyes," Eric tried. "Tobias."
"Eric?" the boy opened his eyes and his breaths were a bit longer now, but still too ragged.
"Tobias, calm down."
"Why are you here?"
Eric took his hand and rubbed his knuckles with his thumb. "Calm down."
Tobias' breathing accelerated. "Eric. I can't- I can't breathe. It hurts- I-"
"It hurts?" Eric repeated, panic rising in his voice. With trembling hands he lifted Tobias' shirt above his pectorals. "Fuck." His stomach was bruised and his left side was covered in alarming red splotches. "Tobias, calm down. You may have broken ribs but it's fine."
"No-"
Eric took his face in both hands and leaned right above him. "It will be fine," he said softly. "Take deep breaths. It doesn't look that bad, alright? Probably one or two broken ribs, it's not swollen, it's not infected, it will be gone in a few weeks. It's normal that it hurts a bit when you breathe. I promise it's fine. Breathe with me." Eric breathed slowly and loudly and waited until Tobias was mimicking him and soon enough the boy below him was calmer.
"It hurts," he croaked.
"I know." Eric fetched more ice and a towel and pressed it lightly against Tobias' ribs. "Can you hold it for me, love? I need to get you painkillers." Tobias nodded and held the makeshift icepack against him.
Eric made him drink the pills and pushed back Tobias' hands to hold the icepack himself. "Do you feel any pain somewhere else?" He asked. He had been stupid enough to forget checking Tobias' torso before the boy actually woke up.
"No. Just a headache. And my eyebrow is throbbing."
Eric nodded, "I had to sew it. The painkillers will help with the headache." His eyes looked down sadly at Tobias' state. "Do you know who did this to you?"
Tobias shook his head. "They had masks."
"They?" They had been several against one? Wearing masks? What did they have against him?
"Where am I?" Tobias whispered.
"My room." Tobias began to sit up, wincing, but Eric held him back. His heart dropped, but it was his fault; he had been the one wanting them apart. "I know you don't want to be here but you're not in a state to walk or think straight so stay for the night and you'll leave tomorrow."
"I'll leave," Tobias grunted, "as soon as I wake up." And with that said, he laid back and closed his eyes.
Eric's hands were still hanging in the air where he had been holding Tobias. He slowly closed them into fists and clenched his eyes shut for a moment. That fucking hurt, like a knife to the heart. He swore under his breath and walked to the farthest wall, trying to get himself away from the wounded boy and trying to contain his anger and his pain.
After a few minutes when he was calm and noticed the steady rise and fall of Tobias' chest, he sat back at Tobias' side and braced himself for the long tiring night he was going to spend, watching over the boy. He couldn't even blame Tobias for refusing his help; Eric had been the one to decide to end the friendship they had. It was his own fault and it was true that sometimes he had trouble to remember why he even decided such a stupid thing. But right now he knew damn well; the aching in his chest and his tightening throat were a great reminder. Tobias was just going to keep on hurting him even if unintentionally and Eric had to take his distance. His stupid feelings and attraction to Tobias wouldn't fade away and he was afraid to get too attached or whipped and eventually rejected; he needed to stay in control of himself and couldn't afford any distraction with that Jeanine bitch.
.
In the morning Tobias showed himself true to his word. As he was limping and hurting, he accepted Eric's help to walk to the Infirmary. Eric had slept three hours that night and his mind was still foggy and all his limbs heavy. He focused on the task at hand, with Tobias gripping his elbow and leaning heavily. Eric couldn't dare supporting him with an arm around him for fear of hurting his side and broken ribs.
In the infirmary a dauntless nurse with long black hair and a lot of makeup rushed to Tobias' side and took his free arm in her hands, bombarding Tobias with her frantic question and completely ignoring Eric.
"Will you shut up and lay him down," Eric said.
The woman raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth pink with glossy lipstick. "I'm the nurse here." She cocked her hip and pursed her lips. "Who are you even?"
Your future leader, Eric wanted to say. He sneered and ignored her question. "Lay him down, and take care of his wounds, nurse. It's your fucking job." The nurse looked outraged. "Do it now. He's sweating, if you don't move your ass he could have a severe infection. He's broken ribs."
The nurse looked suddenly serious; she assessed Tobias' state and led him, still leaning on Eric's arm, to a bed. Eric helped her to heave him on it and remove his shoes. Then she began to cut open Tobias' shirt. Eric turned to the equipment drawers and searched in them.
"The fuck are you doing?" The nurse bellowed. "You're not allowed to-"
"He needs antibiotics and probably a glucose injection." Eric continued to rummage through the drawers.
"Get the fuck away." The nurse grabbed his arm and dragged him back. "It's my job. Go away."
"But he needs-"
"Out! Leave me, kid!"
Eric's head pounded with the lack of sleep and tiredness and her loud shrilly voice.
"You need to sleep, kid. You look like a corpse. Let me take care of your friend, you'll be able to see him soon enough." Then she ignored him and slid on gloves, her attention back on Tobias.
When she began to prod at Tobias' side with careful fingers, Eric let out a shaky breath and left the room.
He had barely reached his room when his tablet vibrated in his pocket. Eric cursed out loud; with the lack of sleep, he didn't know if he could attend to a meeting with Jeanine fully focused.
It wasn't a request for a meeting. The message sent to him was short and clear. Eric's stomach dropped. His limbs trembled and he almost let the tablet slip from his finger.
'Next time he won't be able to walk to the infirmary.'
Jeanine had been clear at the last meeting. She had ways to hurt Eric.
Eric hadn't listened.
xxx
Eric went to get a new piercing; this time on the eyebrow. He just needed it after what had happened with Tobias. When he got back from the parlor he was stopped by Max.
"You shouldn't have disobeyed, son." He shook his head. "Jeanine Matthews is one scary woman."
"And why are you listening to her, Sir?" Eric shot back weakly.
"You need to stop, Eric. It will only turn against you. You saw what happened. Just obey to the orders."
"What if I don't want to anymore?" Eric looked up sadly at the tall-dark-skinned man. He looked older that Eric had remembered; he had a deep frown between his eyebrows and tired eyes.
Max sighed and rubbed his hand against his shaven skull. "It's too late now, son. Too late."
"You don't even sound like you're on her side."
"I am. I just have more compassion than she does. Anyway, I didn't come to you for that. You'll be 18 this Thursday, yes?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Then it's time. I will suggest –strongly suggest- you for the vacant position as the fifth leader to the others."
xxx
For the announcement every member of the faction had been gathered in the Pit; it was the largest space in the compound and the only one that could contain everyone.
They had built a stage platform so that the four leaders could stand on it and be seen. The four leaders plus Eric.
"Are you ready?" Magdalena asked Eric. It was asked a bit too cold for someone who was checking on someone. Magdalena was one of the two female leaders; her and Lily. Max and Etienne were the other two leaders. The fifth position hadn't been occupied since two months ago when Dean had 'died' in a mission. Eric knew that the fifth position wasn't empty by luck. Jeanine fucking Matthews had probably ordered him killed.
Eric knew that the other leaders didn't like him. He could understand; he was only 18 and didn't deserve to lead a faction when he barely had any experience and didn't know many of the members of the faction. He had no idea how Max had convinced them to accept him amongst them but when didn't comment. He had to follow orders. He knew that now.
"I guess," Eric muttered.
"It's alright to be nervous, you know," Etienne looked sideways to meet his eyes.
"Five minutes and Lily will make her speech about Dean and then she will introduce you," Max said. "You've rehearsed what you're supposed to say, son?"
Eric nodded but in truth he hadn't. He was the most blasé person in the Pit, including everyone who didn't care about politics. He would just improvise and it would have to do.
He didn't care about anything anymore but obeying. It didn't mean he had to put his heart in what he was told to do. Hell no. That much was his only freedom.
Lily talked quickly, barely sparing a word for Dean's death and she was already introducing Eric.
That's how, frowning, Eric slowly made his way to the front of the stage at the microphone.
"My name is Eric and I am Dauntless." People actually cheered at that. Eric reminded himself that these people weren't as quick-witted as Erudite. "I may seem young to be a leader but I've spent the past year on field, living, fighting and defending the city amongst soldiers. I am a soldier, I am like you. I will be representing the faction next to Max, Magdalena, Lily and Etienne, as long as you deem me worthy of it."
It was fucking short and Eric shook his head when most of the crowd cheered. At least he could spot some people in the crowd who weren't happy and cheering. They were probably smarter. He knew himself wouldn't have tolerated a kid his age to lead the others.
Eric stepped back to let the microphone to Magdalena; she had some information to give. They weren't important so he zoned out and looked down at the crowd absentmindedly.
"You didn't even read the speech I gave you, did you?" Max hissed next to him.
Eric shrugged and looked straight ahead. He didn't really like Max; the man was strong and kind but he was stupid enough to follow Jeanine Matthews' orders and by doing that, delivering his own faction to the woman.
xxx
The positive point of going back in the field with his newly formed team was that he had something to do with his time, a purpose.
Max had been careful to pick soldiers who hated the fact that Eric was their new leader. Eric didn't complain, he understood. The goal was to prove to them that he was worthy of them. And when these men and women would go back to Dauntless, they would talk and spread the word. Eric their new leader was strong, smart and a great soldier.
The process was slow but eventually it would work. This had to do until Jeanine decided to make her move on Abnegation, Eric guessed. Why? He wasn't sure. He didn't think Max and Eric were there just to supervise the injections of the serum. Maybe Jeanine needed leaders on her side once Abnegation would be destroyed and the members of Dauntless would wake up from the serum to chaos. Maybe she planned on not controlling every soldier and needed them to lead the small aware army.
Eric felt better with himself when he ignored the upcoming war.
.
Max's plan to give Eric a better reputation was working too slowly. Eric was stopped roughly by a cocky man and his friends in the Pit.
"You're just a little boy," the man snarled. "You don't deserve your title and you've obviously done something shady to get to your place." People around him nodded, a small crowd was gathering around the two of them. The man shoved him a bit and the circle around them enlarged. More people were coming closer to watch; it was probably going to end in a fight, Eric thought. His fingers were tingling with the anticipation of it. It was dangerous to start a fight, but maybe it was what he needed to prove himself to the older members of the faction.
"No one wants you as a leader! No one wants you to represent us at the government council!" The man yelled, spitting in the space between them. "I'm just the first one to say it to your face!"
"Fight!" A woman's voice shouted. Other voices agreed loudly, some excitedly, others greedy. "Crush him Walt!" They probably didn't care about politics like this Walt, they just wanted to see a fight, Eric guessed.
"Show him who the real fighters are!"
"Yeah," Walt, said. "Let's fight, Eric. Show me that you can stand at least thirty seconds against me." He stepped closer and gave another shove at the boy's shoulder. "You're just a kid." He raised his eyebrows and faked a concerned voice. "Are you afraid?"
With a deep breath Eric took a fight stance, his abdominal and back muscles contracted.
"Eric, don't!" The latter startled and looked behind his shoulder. It was Tobias. He had made his way to the front of the circle of people. "Don't fight him. He's not worth it." Tobias shook his head. "We both know you can beat him but don't lower yourself to this." What was Tobias thinking? Eric was annoyed at him; did he think he was helping the situation? Eric needed the faction to come to respect him and Tobias was telling him to step back and let them talk behind his back. It was also humiliating to have another eighteen year-old boy to show his faith in him in front of the older members. They were going to laugh at them. It was going to be worse. Sure enough, Eric could hear people laughing at Tobias' intervention. Eric clenched his jaw but he didn't have the time to snap back at the boy, the air was knocked out of him. The stupid man had punched him when he was looking away. Eric cursed loudly and took a few steps back to give himself time to recover from the blow. The man was smirking at him. Eric thought he should be ashamed of hitting a younger soldier when he had his back turned.
A few seconds later, Eric took back a fighting stance. He didn't restrain himself, he was fuming. He shot forward and hit the man on the neck, not too hard to actually hurt, but hard enough to break the man's defense. As predicted, the man spluttered and let his shoulders fall and the muscles of his upper body relaxed. Eric then sent a powerful fist right below his sternum. It was science. The man fell to his knees and Eric took a hold of his chin with one hand.
"Look at you," he said loud enough for the others to hear. "On your knees in front of me, in less than thirty seconds. You should be ashamed." Eric shoved him away and he fell on his side, still trying to breathe normally. "Anyone else wants to show that I'm not qualified to represent the faction?" He said proudly.
Of course no one answered. Some even gave him a few appreciative nods. Eric couldn't help but notice the fear in most of the people's eyes. It was to expect. Jeanine had trained him for so long, he was a killing machine and at such a young age; of course people were eventually going to be afraid.
The crowd eventually faded until stayed only one boy. Eric's heart pinched when he looked behind him and met Tobias' gaze. It was so disapproving, Eric couldn't bear it. "What?" he snapped aggressively.
Tobias shook his head. "You changed."
"You're one to talk."
"Let's go, Four." A woman said and she tugged on Tobias' arm. She was shorter than him, had long black hair, piercing blue eyes that were heavily framed with black makeup. Her eyelashes were so long that Eric could actually see them from where he was standing. The woman was pretty, she had great curves. She was the nurse. "Four, he's not worth it."
Tobias shook his head again and walked away with the nurse, his arm around her shoulders. Eric desperately wanted to run after him, put a hand on his shoulder to stop him, get him away from the older woman, kiss him, embrace him. Instead he stood still and watched with empty eyes.
He hated himself for still feeling something for that boy.
xxx
Now that Eric was officially named a leader, he knew that he couldn't avoid eating at the cafeteria anymore. He needed to appear integrated in the faction, which meant eating with everyone.
Tobias couldn't control his life forever anyway. He had a girlfriend. Eric needed to get a grip on himself and move on.
His new resolution was completely forgotten when he entered and instantly spotted Tobias. The nurse was pressed against his side on the bench. She reached for his chin to turn his head toward her and leaned in, tongue first. Tobias kissed back.
Eric's throat tightened, he averted his gaze and went straight to the leader's table with numb limbs.
He didn't eat anything. He watched them, as if in a trance, refusing to look away yet it was shattering him further.
Ten minutes later he decided he had proven to the faction that he was present for dinner. He went straight to the training room and wrapped his knuckles in gauze so that they wouldn't bleed. He hit the punching bag to the point where he couldn't control his hands anymore and his fingers trembled with the exhaustion and trauma.
He stood there, dripping sweat, his black hair plastered to his forehead and neck, his chest heaving. And he screamed. A broken sound, a wail.
With some newly found strength he gave everything he had in a series of punches. The chain of the bag detached from the ceiling and Eric stumbled back as the bag fell in a loud heavy thump.
"Fuck," he muttered.
He was too exhausted to even move the bag so he left it as it was, on the floor.
When he came back to his room later in the evening, he had a new piercing on his left ear.
.
AN: Who else wants to give Eric the biggest hug? I want to give him a blanket and a Tobias and I want to kiss him on the forehead. That boy deserves so much better. I am so cruel.
I hope you still like how the story is going.
Thank you to all the guests who commented! I really loved reading your reviews and they all made me smile! (Kz, I hope you haven't exploded yet.)
(Sept 2nd) Hey guys, I'm still working on the next chapter. It's just gonna take a lot of time because it's very very long (for my writing skills at least) but mostly uni is coming back this monday and I probably won't be having a lot of free time.