When two forces collide

by Chuuuups

It was widely known that there was a rivalry between Four and Eric; Four had ranked first but Eric had got the leadership offer. The two hated each other; everyone knew that. They were wrong. Or in which Eric fell in love with the tall boy from Abnegation during initiation and sometimes it feels like it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to him.

5. 2 Weaken

Part 4.2 – Weaken

---

The next day at breakfast, Eric convinced Tobias to eat at the leaders table, so that no initiate could hear them talk or see them if they let out anything. It wasn't odd to see leaders bring their friends at their table, not that Eric had ever done it before. Because his usual seat was at the end of the leaders table, isolated, not even the other leaders could hear them.

"Can you sleep in my room tonight?" Tobias asked all of the sudden. Eric's eyes widened slightly. "No! I mean, sleeping. Like, sleeping. I just- Tris was there last night and I really wanted to stay with you but I couldn't leave her alone so, will you stay the night?"

"Yeah," Eric tried to contain a smile.

"Don't make fun of me! I've just wanted that for a long time."

"Me too," Eric looked at him fondly and he spread his thighs under the table so that they could touch without being seen.

Tobias not only let his thigh there, he hooked their ankles and it was uncomfortable but neither of them cared.

That night the boys shared a pillow, like they used to do once. Only this time they were allowed to hold each other as they slept. The feeling of sharing their warmth, under the covers, of sharing the air and a small pillow was the greatest warmth Eric had ever felt in his guts. And as he let his eyes flutter open in the morning and found Tobias' sleeping face right there, he knew he was right where he needed to be.

.

The next night and the night after both of them slept in their respective bed. Eric would not ask Tobias to come into his room and apparently Tobias didn't want to either. Eric knew it was probably his turn to ask Tobias to come sleep with him because Tobias asked the first night, but it was too sappy for him. Which was stupid; he really wanted to get to sleep next to Tobias again. Because now he could.

So for the third night in a row Eric lay alone cursing himself for not having the guts to ask.

The fourth night Eric was curled on his side, alone under the covers of his bed. His stomach was in knots and his fists were curled so tight that his nails were digging painfully into his palms. A thunderstorm was raging, it had woken Eric up and he was experiencing the familiar stress that came with one. He hated himself not only because he was still scared of storms but also because if he had had the courage and honesty to offer to Tobias to sleep in his room, he wouldn't have been alone right now.

"Eric?" Tobias' voice suddenly called from the door. Eric jumped visibly and turned around in his bed to look at the door. It was too dark for him to see him clearly but Tobias was there.

"Sorry, I didn't knock," Tobias said. "The door wasn't locked so I just came in." Of course, Eric had taken the habit to leave his door unlocked at night since he and Tobias had made up, in case Tobias decided to come. But Eric hadn't thought it would actually happen, he hadn't bothered to ask Tobias to come by after all.

"Are you ok?" Just as Tobias asked the question a thunder resonated loudly and Eric flinched.

"Not really," he managed to say. He wasn't even ashamed of his fear, Tobias already knew, Tobias had held his hand during a whole night, years ago.

"Yeah, I- I thought you'd like me to stay for the rest of the night."

Eric was overwhelmed by the fact that Tobias would even care that much about him. Tobias had woken up in the middle of night and he came to his room when he had heard the storm; because he remembered that Eric hated them and he was offering his company.

"Yeah," Eric finally said softly.

Tobias approached the bed and slipped under the covers. They lay lying facing each other, their heads on the same pillow. Tobias had one hand settled comfortingly against Eric's side and one of his feet slipped comfortably between Eric's.

After a few minutes, Eric was relaxing, not flinching from the thunders and his stomach not aching anymore. "Can you sleep now?" Tobias whispered.

Eric could feel warm breath against his lips and couldn't help but lean closer just to kiss him softly. "Yeah."

"Good." Tobias kissed him between the eyebrows and then snuggled his body closer, his chin resting on Eric's head and his arm sliding around his back. "Sleep."

And Eric did, his senses full of Tobias. Even if his body being so close combined with the covers made him way too hot, he didn't care. Even if thunders were still rumbling loudly. He was safe.

xxx

"You know what I fucking love to do?"

"Uh-" Tobias froze and Eric could see a blush coloring his cheeks. He was probably thinking Eric meant sex. He couldn't hold back a laugh.

They were lying on Tobias' bed, it was late, they were on the verge of falling asleep. The day had been particularly long and tiring.

"No," he laughed harder because the blush on Tobias' cheeks was even more noticeable. "Not what you think. Not that I wouldn't love to do that with you. But I was talking about something else."

"Then tell me."

Eric thought for a moment but then he shook his head. "I'd rather show you actually."

"Okay?" Tobias frowned. "When?"

"Now? We have to get out of Dauntless though."

"Eric. We're in the middle of the night."

"I know. We can't do what we're going to do during the day."

"If it's illegal-"

"Tobias, I'm a leader, everything is legal. I just don't want to be seen."

"But I have to wake up early for initiation."

"The initiates won't complain if you're late, don't you think?"

Eric watched with trepidation as Tobias turned on his back and let out a loud sigh. "You will like it. I promise." He turned his head to look at Eric for a few long seconds and then he slid out of the bed.

"Alright, let's go." Eric brightened up at that. He couldn't wait. "I don't know why, it's making me nervous," Tobias added.

"You're going to be alright. Just dress warmly and put on clothes that'll let you move freely. I'll go get my windbreaker and meet you at your door."

A few minutes later and Eric and Tobias found themselves standing on the side of the train tracks, waiting for a train. They were both dressed in windbreakers, light sweatpants and sneakers. Eric had a small smile of anticipation plastered on his face, proud of his idea to share this with Tobias.

"Where are you taking me?" Tobias cut the tense silence.

"I'm not taking you anywhere. We're just waiting for the train."

"So that's what you like to do. Taking the train?" Tobias said sarcastically.

"Will you just wait?"

Tobias huffed and then groaned. "Eric, this is making me nervous-"

His voice was cut by the arrival of the train, too loud in the silence of the night. Eric grabbed his face between his hands and kissed him on the lips. "Trust me!" He yelled over the noise of the train. Then he smiled and beckoned Tobias to follow him as he started to run alongside the train. He jumped easily onto a car and watched as Tobias joined him in as easily.

"Ok, here's the fun part," he grinned evilly at Tobias. He walked to the end of the car, to the doors that separated the cars. These doors were always closed, Eric was probably the only one to open them; that's why it didn't surprise him when he had to force it and it made a concerting noise. When the door of the speeding train was open, Eric stepped on the small ledge outside and turned to look at Tobias. He looked stunned.

Eric then looked up and started hoisting himself up onto the roof of the car. He heard Tobias yelling at him but only laughed heartily in response. Climbing on top was a bit tricky because of the slippery surface and the speed of the train but he managed, helping himself with the chains hanging between the cars.

Once he was safely on top he saw Tobias' head poking out. "Get down!" Tobias yelled.

"No way! Come up!"

"Are you mad?" Tobias' voice sounded mad.

"Trust me! Climb up!"

"I-" Tobias hesitated.

"You have to hurry there will be tunnels in a few minutes!"

"Fucking hell!" Tobias started to climb. It was easier for him because Eric held his hand and hoisted him up.

"Come on, stand up!"

Eric took Tobias' hand and made him walk a few steps so that he could get used to the speed and the force of the wind. The feeling in his chest was amazing. He had always loved being up there but having Tobias with him for the first time was so fulfilling. He smiled at him over his shoulder.

The latter came closer to him, slipping his arms around Eric's waist from behind and he leaned in, his lips near to his ear. "You are mad," he said. "This is what you love to do. Mad."

"It's just the beginning," Eric said in response and squeezed Tobias' forearms. He didn't think he had ever felt this happy his whole life. "Come on, let's go forward."

The train was almost nearing Erudite territory, meaning the only part of the city that was completely illuminated at night.

Eric knew that Tobias was getting more confident on the train; he had even stepped around Eric and was walking faster, his arms wide open. Eric liked to do that too, and he did, watching Tobias' back instead of the nearing buildings. He couldn't wait for Tobias to see Erudite, it was his favorite part of the ride.

Soon they were at the front of the train and Tobias begged Eric to turn back around and get to the other end of the train so that they could still move. This time it was Eric who was walking in front. It was trickier to walk on the other way and they had to run, both laughing and screaming. All too soon they arrived to Erudite and the train tracks became elevated, leaving a wide emptiness between them and the roads far below.

"Oh fuck!" Tobias yelled. Eric turned, panicking. He had completely forgotten to warn Tobias about the height. Tobias had stopped running; he was half-crouching, half standing up. His eyes were wide and it was obvious he was trying not to look down. As Eric could see that Tobias was doing greatly to calm himself down, he started to calm down too.

But the reassurance hadn't lasted long; behind Tobias' shoulder Eric caught sight of an approaching tunnel. Tobias would get crushed if he didn't crouch down quickly. "Tunnel!" Eric cried with all his might.

"What?" Tobias yelled back.

"CROUCH!"

Tobias still wasn't understanding and Eric's legs moved faster than he thought possible. He darted forward, ignoring Tobias' frightened call and violently tackled Tobias' body close to the roof of the train. Seconds later in a whoosh the train penetrated inside the dark tunnel.

"Oh fuck!" Tobias exclaimed.

Their bodies lay side by side, Tobias lying weirdly on his side and Eric on his stomach with one arm draped over the boy beside him. Eric felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in his throat and he just let it out. Inside the tunnel it was calmer, there wasn't the loud noise of the wind and the train breaking through the air. So Eric's laugh was very loud inside the tunnel.

"There is nothing to laugh about," Tobias protested but Eric could hear the smile in his voice. "I almost died." Tobias didn't have to yell; they could talk quietly.

"I know, I just-" Eric paused. Maybe it was the hysteria, but he didn't have a filter tonight. Tonight he wanted to laugh, he wanted to talk and say all his sweet thoughts to Tobias. "I'm just glad you're here. You're the first person I ever show this."

There was a short silence when Tobias moved so that his hand was at the nape of Eric's neck. "Thank you for showing me this. For sharing something you love," he said softly.

Eric grinned widely, even if it was pitch black and Tobias couldn't see. "Let's run as soon as we're out of the tunnel. It's my favorite part of the city. You'll see, it's really cool when you run."

"Ok."

In another whoosh the train came out of the tunnel and suddenly it was very bright and the noise had come back. Illuminated buildings were surrounding them. It was beautiful.

They both stood up. "Ready? Come on!" Eric said and he started to run in the same direction of the moving train. He loved doing that. Nothing was able to stop him. He was so fast. To his own usual speed was added the speed of the train and he felt like he was flying. It was so, so fast. So powerful and freeing. Lights passed on the sides so quickly he couldn't even process his surroundings apart from the hard surface he was running onto and the wind and the force pushing him faster.

He heard Tobias's laugh behind him. "We're flying!" He yelled.

"YES!"

Eric hadn't been out on the trains since forever and how he had missed this. The fact that Tobias was doing it with him, sharing this moment was making it hundreds time better. He was ecstatic. His hands were freezing cold from the wind but he couldn't care less.

They neared the front of the train and had to slow down to a stop. Eric was breathless and needed to rest but he couldn't resist the urge to turn around and kiss his boy. They were both smiling so hard that they couldn't really kiss, it was just presses of lips and sometimes teeth, which was making them smile even harder. Suddenly Tobias pulled back. "Wait, wait. What if there is another tunnel?"

"Let's go down then."

Tobias nodded and together they went inside the car. It was hard work to open the door but they had no choice; it was too dangerous to try to enter from the side doors which were always opened. There was no grip and support, Eric had never tried. But after Eric smashed his shoulders a few times on the small door, it finally opened and they went inside.

It was way calmer and Eric felt the fatigue hit him hard, the adrenaline of their run gone. It was fine because Tobias tugged on his arms and they both sat down against the side of the car.

As they caught their breath, they fell into a comfortable silence. Tobias let his head settle on Eric's shoulder. The position was so familiar and reminded him of memories, both happy and sad. It downed his euphoria of their train surfing and he sighed.

"What's wrong?" Tobias mumbled. When Eric didn't answer, Tobias sighed too and Eric felt him press his lips tenderly on his collarbone. He shivered and felt his whole chest warm up when Tobias took his hand and started stroking his knuckles. "I'm having trouble to realize that I'm here with you," Tobias said softly. "I'm really lucky. Thank you for sharing your thing with me."

Eric couldn't answer to that, it seemed his filter was back, clogging his throat. So he did the only thing he could to show Tobias his affection. He wrapped his arms around Tobias and buried his nose in his hair. It was warm, soft and safe.

xxx

It was the end of the day, right before dinner time. Eric was sprawled on his bed, waiting for Tobias to come by so that they could walk to dinner together. It was a routine they had picked up these days.

Eric's stomach growled and he blamed Tobias for being late and causing him to be so hungry. But just then the door slammed open. "Eric!"

There was alarm in his voice, Eric bolted upright, alert.

"A initiate jumped down the Chasm," Tobias said painfully.

He felt guilty. Eric could see it in his eyes. So he walked to Tobias and immediately wrapped his arms around his body. Tobias sagged into Eric's embrace, exhaling loudly.

"It's not your fault, ok?"

"I know. But I also didn't help him either. I was too harsh on him," Tobias whispered.

"Who is it?"

"Al." Eric was also hit by guilt, he'd also reprimanded Al numerous times.

"Let's go there, keep the situation in control. People are probably crowding the place."

When they got to the Chasm, which was close to their rooms, Eric had to bark a few orders to keep people out of the way. He couldn't understand why they all wanted to look at a dead body. It made him sick to the stomach.

"Eric," Max came up to them, "Four," he added, surprised to see them together after initiation hours.
"I'm glad you are getting along alright and spending time outside work. I knew you could get over the past." Eric raised his eyebrows, he wanted to tell the old man just how 'alright' Tobias and he were getting along right now. "Anyway, we're gathering everyone in the Pit after dinner. I want you to do a speech, Eric. About braveness and all that. I know you're good at improvising." He nodded and left the pair of them with instructions to order soldiers to pick the dead body out of the Chasm.

Later the Stiff approached them, looking warily at Eric. "Four," she said softly and Eric already wanted to scare her away. "I wanted to tell you. Al was one of the boys who tried to throw me down the Chasm. I think he jumped because he couldn't cope with the guilt." She was crying, her voice was trembling. Eric didn't feel anything when Tobias placed a hand on her shoulder. He did feel something when he looked up and Thunder was there, staring straight at him. Thunder mouthed the word "murderer" and he had pure hatred in his eyes. At the moment Eric felt more guilty than Tobias could ever be, or Tris could, about an initiate's death.

xxx

Eric knew he needed to talk to Tobias very soon. There was a reason he hadn't allowed them to be friends before. Yes, the heartbreak had a great part in it, but mostly, his secret was what made Eric push him away. For one Tobias was too important in his life for him not to know about Jeanine and Erudite. And then it made Tobias' life at risk. Tobias needed to know.

And Eric wanted Tobias to tell him his own secret, the one he had shared with Amar and never told Eric. They were closer than ever, closer than during initiation, on an emotional level, but at the same time what they had between them scared Eric by its fragility. Neither told the truth, it was only a matter of time before Jeanine took notice of his renewed bond with Tobias and used it as a threat. Or before things exploded because Tobias refused to tell Eric his secret.

But he surprised Eric when days later they were sitting on Eric's bed, playing with their hands, and he looked at Eric with a frightening seriousness in his eyes.

"So we're both still hiding something," he said. And Eric knew then that he wasn't the only one haunted by their secrets. "If we want us to work this time, we need to be honest with each other. What do you say? I'm ready to tell you," Tobias said with determination. At these words Eric's heart jumped because finally Tobias was fully trusting him, on a level that he hadn't reached before.

"Yeah." Eric swallowed. "Okay." He watched as Tobias sighed in relief.

"Who goes first?"

Eric rubbed both of his hands against his face and sighed deeply. "I'll do it."

Tobias nodded and waited patiently. "Alright." Eric had to do this; he needed Tobias and the boy was right, if they weren't honest, it would eventually end in a fight. They needed this so that they could trust each other fully. And Eric could use the emotional support, he was lost and in deep shit with Jeanine's future plans.

"Before I tell you, you need to know that- I'm not proud of it; it kills me." He wiped his sweaty palms against his pants, his eyes never looking away from the boy sitting in front of him. "And I wish I could go back in time because now I don't know how to get out of it without being killed."

"Killed? Eric, for fuck's sake what is it?" He said impatiently but then it was obvious on his face that he was regretting it and he reached forward to hold Eric's hand. "Sorry."

"When I was thirteen I signed up for a project with Jeanine Matthews in Erudite. No, I became her project." Tobias' eyes widened. "I'm still her project. She trained me since I was thirteen so that I could transfer to Dauntless and rank first. Her goal was for me to become a leader." Eric felt his eyes welling up, he was waiting for the disgust to take over Tobias' face. Eric was just a dog and Tobias would probably hate him. He wished he wouldn't. "She needs allies in Dauntless leadership because she's creating an army. An army to overthrow Abnegation. She wants to govern and she won't stop at nothing."

Tobias' face wasn't yet contorted in disgust but his eyes were wide. Eric had to admit he'd never felt that relieved his whole life; he had finally confessed to him about the darkest part of his life.

"What do you mean she wants to overthrow Abnegation?" Tobias let go of his hand and sat up straighter. Eric was already missing the contact; he closed his hands into fists and pressed them against his thighs.

"There's a war coming, Tobias." Was it his imagination or did his voice sound pleading? "She'll fight them and kill anyone who gets in her way."

Tobias was silent for a long time, avoiding Eric's face. When he looked back at him, Eric's heart dropped painfully and he almost let out a sob. There was the disgust in Tobias' eyes. No, it wasn't disgust. It was betrayal. Betrayal and disbelief and hurt.

"Tob-" Eric couldn't even finish his name. The said boy stood up hastily and avoided his eyes again. "Please." Eric was sure that tears were rolling down his cheeks. It should have been humiliating but he didn't give a fuck at the moment. Tobias practically ran to the door and slammed it back behind him.

Eric completely let go of himself as soon as he was alone and realized Tobias was gone for forever this time. When the first sob came out he grunted in anger and stood up. He never cried! He paced the room for a minute, his breathing harsh. Soon enough he realized that holding back the sobs was actually physically painful. Another sob came out and he gasped, pressed his fist against his lips and his shoulders shook. His whole chest was painful, he had to sit down, so he walked to his bed; but as soon as he reached it, he scooted further and lay on his side. Then, he let go, sobs came out uncontrollably and he didn't try to contain them, his cheeks were completely wet and his nose was running down. His chest was still so, so painful. He gripped his shirt above his heart and hid his face with his other hand. He cried for a long time, picturing Tobias's traits in his mind. He'd lost him.

Eric had opened up to him, thinking it was the moment. All that he had been carrying these years. He had finally embraced the fear of an eventual rejection. He had thought he could trust Tobias with this, he had believed in them. He saw the betrayal in Tobias' eyes but honestly he felt like he was the one betrayed.

He cried even harder when he thought back of the hope he had felt the when Tobias had kissed him twice and promised him he wanted to kiss him again and again. But could he blame Tobias? He was an awful person; working for Jeanine and obeying her when he knew there was a war coming. Hopefully Tobias would warn everyone before the war. He was going to die but it didn't matter, no one cared about him anyway. And he didn't have anyone to care about either. Not anymore.

Eric removed his shirt when he was calmer and wiped his eyes and nose with it. He threw it somewhere in the room and lay back down. He took deep breaths, trying to get rid of that ache in his throat.

Tears were still running down his cheeks when he fell in slumber.

.

When Eric woke up again he remembered that he wasn't alone. No, there was still one person who cared. Anita. She told him that he could come and talk to her about anything. But could he go and see her without crying? He didn't know if he could bear to be seen by her in tears.

Eric sat up in his bed, his throat dry and his eyes so puffy that he had trouble to open them. He dragged himself to his bathroom, trying to convince himself that he still had a life, that yes maybe he had lost the most important person in his life, but he still had his own life. He needed to take care of himself and go on. But as he thought this, new tears filled up his eyes and with the horrible clogging in his throat. He took deep breaths and forced himself under the shower.

After his shower Eric sat on his bed, and turned on his tablet. He checked his schedule and found out with dread that he needed to meet up with his team in his office to present them their next mission in which they would go without Eric. The meeting was set for 0600, he still had hours to get a hold of himself. Again thinking about it brought up new tears and Eric cursed out loud. He had already cried yesterday, he couldn't let himself be so weak. Yesterday was plenty enough.

Without thinking he searched for Anita's schedule on his tablet. Because he was a leader he had access to that. When he saw that she was home at Dauntless he let out a shaky breath; the temptation to go upstairs to her apartment was stronger. He needed a friendly and understanding face.

He dropped his tablet next to him on the bed and lay down himself.

Everything was wrong in his life. He thought he had Tobias, finally, but now he'd left. He had a glimpse of happiness, for once some things were actually good, some things made him feel at home. But then life had to take it back. He hated himself. He was still under Jeanine's will, he was powerless and now alone. And the worse about it is that even Tobias, who said he cared, who looked like he cared a lot, couldn't accept him with the truth. So why should Eric accept himself?

He tried to sleep to make the time pass. It wasn't a good idea, when he closed his eyes his mind wandered to Tobias and he relived yesterday's scene. Again and again and suddenly his cheeks were wet. He reached up to wipe his face angrily with his sleeves. He picked up his tablet again and stared stupidly at Anita's schedule.

Eric skipped lunch. He knew his stomach was growling but he couldn't care less. He spent the day lying on his back, staring at the ceiling and wiping his silent tears away. Came 0500 and he started to stress out. He had to meet his team in an hour and he wasn't presentable at all. His eyes were stinging, puffier than in the morning and he was starved and felt weak. He couldn't see them. He picked up his tablet for the hundredth time in the day and looked at the opened window showing Anita's empty schedule. He stared at her profile picture and felt his resolve crumbling down. He needed her.

Numbly, he stood up and fled his own room, he didn't feel safe in here. His head was weirdly empty, he was looking at the stairs he was apparently climbing. He looked at the wood splintered at some steps or nails dangerously stucking out. He looked up and counted the lamps above his head. He stumbled in the stairs but regained his balance thanks to the banister. It was made of metal, cold, greasy. Someone should clean this banister with alcohol. Who knew what germs had developed on it. He scrunched his nose and suddenly he was on top of the stairs, it was Anita's floor. There were tiles on the corridor floor. Maybe Eric should think about moving out. The corridor he lived in didn't have tiles. And his room was too small and the shower took ages to pour hot water. Why was he even living downstairs? He was a leader for fuck's sake.

Eric was in front of Anita's door and he knocked. Even the doors here were better than his. It was wooden and there weren't graffiti's in this corridor.

The door opened. Anita looked shocked. Eric knew his eyes were swollen from all the crying. And suddenly reality crashed on his shoulders.

"Hey," he said in a whisper. Tears were already flowing down his cheeks. How did that happen so quickly? He didn't really pay attention when Anita ushered him inside and rubbed his arms comfortingly.

"Eric, are you hurt somewhere?"

Yeah. All his chest hurt. And his throat and his eyes.

"Eric?"

He let out a sob. "Oh, baby," Anita said softly and then arms wrapped around his body. "Do you want to talk about it?" He shook his head violently. No he didn't want to talk.

He didn't know how long they stayed standing in the middle of her apartment. Now he was fully crying, with ugly sobs and snot rushing down his nose and dirtying her shirt.

"Oh my God, Eric." Anita sounded on the verge of crying and Eric hated himself even more because he was making her sad. The only person except for Tobias to have ever cared for him. But now she was the only one.

"Eric, Eric. What did they do to you? God, don't cry. Baby, don't cry." She talked softly and her voice was just so soothing. Thinking about how soothing she was only made Eric feel worse. He didn't deserve someone like that.

"Eric, tell me."

He shook his head.

"Babe-" she rubbed his back.

"I can't." Eric wailed. Anita didn't insist. She never insisted. She always knew how to act perfectly with him. She pushed Eric's face into her neck with one hand and rubbed his back with the other. Eric gripped her shirt and held on.

"Let's get you to your room, alright? We'll put you to bed, you need to rest for a bit. I'll stay with you okay?"

"I can't," Eric's voice cracked but he couldn't care. Instead he gripped Anita's shirt harder and stood up straighter. "I have to meet with my team."

"Oh, no, no, no. I don't think so," she laughed dryly but then gave him a genuine smile. "I won't let you go." She stroked his cheek and the gesture worsened his state, he felt his chin tremble.

"They'll be waiting for me-"

"Don't worry about it, alright? I'll talk to Max and tell him you've got the flu or something."

Eventually Eric nodded and they walked together out of her apartment and down the stairs to Eric's corridor. Eric was silent, tears rolling down his cheeks without his consent. At least it wasn't full sobs.

"Eric?"

It was Ocean. Eric turned around and watched as the boy's face changed from happiness to concern.

"Are you alright?"

"No, he's not," Anita answered for him when she noticed it was taking him too long to talk. His throat just felt so tight, he couldn't find his voice.

"We- we're waiting for you in front of your office. I just came here to see what was taking too long. Should I tell the others you can't come?"

"Yeah, you do that," Anita said softly for him.

"Okay," Ocean bit his lip. It was obvious he wanted to ask what was wrong and Eric was glad that he was restraining himself. It was already humiliating to be seen crying. "I'll go tell them now," he said softly.

Anita was tugging on Eric's arm. "Wait," Ocean stopped them. He silently walked to them and slipped his arms around Eric's waist, hugging tightly and burying his face in Eric's neck. "Whoever hurt you can go to hell, Eric. I love you and I'm sure scary woman there you loves you too."

Eric sobbed again at that and nodded against Ocean's head.

"I'm going now, okay?"

"I'm not scary," Anita hissed before Ocean could go. Eric would have laughed if he the pain his chest wasn't so intense.

.

"Eric? Wake up." someone was whispering. The voice was soothing and made him warm to the tips of his fingers. "Eric?" It was Tobias' voice, that was why. Eric loved his voice; it was so deep. Tobias? Eric's eyes snapped open and he sat up. He winced at the headache. Tobias was sitting on the edge of the bed, very close to Eric, one of his hand on the bed was so close to his thigh. He was so strikingly beautiful. Eric hadn't thought he'd ever speak to him again. But Eric recoiled slightly. That man had hurt him like no one ever did.

"Did you-" Tobias whispered. "Your eyes. Did you cry?"

Eric turned his head away and yes his eyes did feel completely swollen. "What are you doing here?" His voice sounded so weak, but his heart had been ripped out he didn't care about pride.

"Sorry. I know it's 0400 but I needed to see you and you door wasn't locked," he answered softly. "I'm sorry I left."

"You had the right to. There was a reason I never wanted to tell you. I'm a fucking dog and yes that bitch is controlling me."

"Eric. I need to explain myself, can you listen to what I have to say?" Tobias asked with worry in his voice.

Eric wanted to push him away and to say no, he didn't want to feel that weak because of a person. But he nodded.

"Thank you." Tobias let out a long breath. "I left because I hated knowing that you were participating in a war that will lead in so many deaths. I felt betrayed and disappointed. I once told you you'd changed. But then I had come to realize that the person you were in public was just the person you wanted people to think you are. I realized it wasn't the real you. I knew you were the same as before. Back when we- when we were very close.

"Then there was the hope. I kept thinking that maybe, maybe there was a chance that we could be friends again. I just missed you so much these past years. There's been this hole in me that hasn't been filled since initiation. But it had been filled again." Tobias smiled softly. "So when you told me you were conspiring with Erudite to plan a war and destroy Abnegation, I- I felt like my guts were wrenched, you dropped this on me and I kept thinking that I was wrong. That you were that horrible person you show people." Tobias' hand trembled as he hid his face briefly behind it. "I feel horrible Eric. I feel disgusting." When he looked up at him, Eric just believed him. Eric was drinking up Tobias' words silently, not knowing what to say but dying to halt the boy because it looked so painful to talk about it for him. But he couldn't, he just watched with wide eyes, feeling tears falling down his cheek but not doing anything to wipe them. His stomach was in knots because he didn't know what Tobias was going to do and what told him that he wouldn't leave on him again? He'd done it once.

"So I fled. I was blinded," Tobias continued. "But then I remembered. I remembered what you said."

"What?" Eric's voice croaked.

"That you hated it and that it was killing you." Eric looked at him, the hope soaring in his chest. "I shouldn't have left. I'm so sorry I should have been there and look what I did." His eyes were so gentle and honest, Eric could read the guilt and affection. "Can I touch you?" Tobias whispered unsure.

When Eric nodded, the other boy reached up and stroked his cheeks, wiping away the tear trails. But as soon as he did so, new tears rolled down Eric's cheeks. "No, no, don't cry," Tobias whispered. Then he scooted closer, so that his chest was pressed against Eric's side. Eric was shirtless so he could feel his warmth through Tobias' shirt. "I am so sorry. I am a horrible person. I just really care about you Eric and I'm- fuck, I don't know how else to say I'm sorry. I'm here now. Please. Don't cry." Eric let out a small sob and gripped Tobias' shirt with a hand while the other boy stroked his cheeks relentlessly.

"Eric," he said softly. "You're not a dog. You're in control of your life, you have always been. You're always confident; I learned how to be confident from you. If you don't want to, you don't have to obey to Jeanine."

Eric made a small noise at the back of his throat. He had trouble believing that Tobias was actually there and the fogginess of his sleepy state didn't help. He felt very warm in his guts and where the boy was touching his cheeks and neck. That's what Tobias' presence could make him feel. "But she'll kill me. She'll kill you."

"Me?"

"Remember that night you were beaten up and dropped at my door? It was her, Tobias. She did this because I'd refused to listen to her once."

"Fuck, I didn't-" Tobias inhaled sharply. "She's mad."

"She already warned me more than once. Tobias, I was thirteen when I started this, I was so stupid. I would have never agreed to be part of it now." He said in a rush looking into his eyes, needing to know that Tobias believed him.

"I know you wouldn't. I am so sorry. Eric we'll figure this out, you're not alone in this shit." Eric leaned closer to press their foreheads together. "Thank you for telling me," Tobias murmured.

Tobias leaned forward and their lips molded together. It was languid for a moment but then Eric became more insistent, he slid his tongue inside Tobias' mouth. He pressed even closer and Tobias had to lean away and tilt his head up to keep up with him; a helpless noise even came out of his throat. Eric was putting all his frustration and anger in it. He was relieved, that Tobias was accepting him and felt horribly guilty that Tobias had felt betrayed and had admitted to miss him the past two years. But for now the anger was taking over. He had spent the day and the night crying over him. It was his fault that Eric was so weak. He remembered his own feeling of betrayal that had destroyed his heart.

Eric broke the kiss and hoisted Tobias fully on the bed, then he pushed him on his back and climbed on top of him.

"You left," he hissed angrily.

"I know, I'm so sorry."

Eric ducked down and kissed him dirtily again, completely dominating. "I hate you."

"I'm sorry," Tobias croaked out.

"I hate you so much." He recalled how furious he had been at himself, crying as soon as Tobias had slammed the door close the night before.

"I'm sorry," Tobias' voice broke.

Eric kissed him again to shut him up and Tobias began to roam his large hands along his naked back, one settling at the dip above his bum. He pressed down so that there was no space between them and he rolled up his hips. Eric hissed, all his blood had rushed down and he could feel himself growing stiffer. He bit at Tobias' lips to show him that he was the one controlling and it was not the other way around. Tobias understood and his hands went back between Eric's shoulder blades. "I am so angry at you," Eric ground out.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" Eric sat up, still straddling Tobias and suddenly hid his face behind his hands. Tears were welling up in his eyes. "I'm a mess. Don't look at me." It was the first time that Tobias had seen him cry. It was so humiliating. And he had seen Eric's eyes already puffy when he woke him up.

Tobias moved to sit up so that Eric was straddling his lap and closed his arms around his body. "Eric, look at me."

He did and was met with the beautiful blue of his eyes.

"Fuck, look what I've done to you. I am so sorry. Eric, you're not a mess. You're perfect." Eric narrowed his eyes and pushed at his chest to create some space but Tobias' arms were encasing him.

"I don't need to hear your beautiful words. I'm not a weak person," he said hotly.

"I know. I just needed to say it."

Eric shoved him away. He found him gorgeous with his beautiful words and his clear eyes. Tobias fell back on his back. "And," he huffed, looking up at Eric, "I'm glad to know that you cried over me."

"Shut up." Eric blushed and felt even more ashamed.

"Because now I know that I mean something to you," he continued softly. "I was never sure." His voice cracked. "We were once really close. But then suddenly you were always on missions and when Amar died you threw me out of your life and I-"

"Shut up." Eric cursed at the prickling in his eyes and moved to lie above him again, one strong arm holding him up above Tobias' head. "Of course you mean something to me. You always have," he breathed.

"You too." Tobias' voice was full of emotion. A tear rolled down from Tobias' eye. "I'm so fucking sorry that I walked away. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

Eric pressed his face against Tobias' neck and let himself lie down completely on the boy, one leg between his thighs. "I don't think I could be more ashamed that I am," he spoke softly, "so- Please, don't let go of me." One tear slipped out of his right eye and wet Tobias' neck. He felt disgusted at his own weakness and vulnerability.

Tobias stroked his back with one hand. "Don't be ashamed," he whispered very softly. "You are beautiful when you're honest with your feelings." Eric clenched his eyes shut against his neck. "I will not let go of you. Never."

.

.

.

Eric woke up feeling very good and warm. He could feel one large hand on his bum and he was still mostly lying on top of Tobias. The next thing he noticed was that he had a morning wood, trapped between him and Tobias' thigh. He didn't want to make the situation awkward, so he shifted very slowly sideways and tried to remove himself from the boy beneath him without waking him up. He stilled for a moment, taking the time to realize that he was in fact waking up in bed with Tobias and that his body was very warm and comforting and the image of the sleeping boy felt just so right; Eric wanted to snuggle back in and hold Tobias in his arms but he had an uncomfortable situation at his crotch and remembered that he needed to slip slightly away.

So he put some weight on his knees and elbows and tried to move out of Tobias' embrace.

"What are you doing?" Tobias' voice rasped. He removed his hand from Eric's bum only to place his arm around Eric' waist and drag him back against his chest. Eric looked up to see Tobias squinting down at him, the light too strong for his eyes. It was obvious he had just woken up. "It felt good. Let's stay in bed," Tobias murmured. He voice was so gravely it did things to his body and his cock twitched. If he didn't get away quickly it would be very awkward seeing as Tobias just wanted to lie together.

"No it's just that-" Eric tried to prop himself up with his hands on either side of Tobias but the latter wouldn't have it, he hummed and used his other arm to hug Eric back to his chest.

"Stay." Tobias' hand rubbed his still naked back up and down, down, just above his bum. He shivered and he was growing even harder. He tried to shift away again, a blush heating up his face and neck but that's when Tobias felt it. "Oh," he said, fully awake.

They stilled and now Tobias' eyes were opened. Eric didn't know what to expect next, his heart was beating very hard. Tobias' hand stroked his back again, testing the waters and Eric bit back a moan as he shivered. Tobias then let Eric prop himself up on his elbows and let his hands explore Eric's naked chest and stomach. Eric took one look at his parted lips and flushed cheeks and then he slotted his lips with Tobias'; their breaths were warm between their mouths and Tobias focused on his lip ring once again. Eric broke the kiss in a strangled moan when he felt Tobias' hand sliding down his crotch. "This- this okay with you?" Eric wanted to be sure.

The other boy laughed breathlessly. "I'm doing it, am I not?"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess." Eric hissed; Tobias' hand was growing more insistent on his crotch and his cock was too painful trapped in his tight jeans. When had he decided to sleep in jeans anyway? The boy beneath him was reading in his mind apparently, he popped open the button of his jeans and slid down the zipper. He gasped as he felt Eric's warm member through his boxers and he suddenly sat up, bringing Eric up with him so that he was straddling his lap. "Off," he said. Together they managed to remove Eric's black jeans. Tobias looked up at him to check if he was allowed to do more and Eric was struck with how beautiful he was. He would have never thought he would have gotten to see Tobias with red cheeks and swollen lips looking at him in such a provocative way. Eric leaned down to lick into his mouth and then let him peel away his boxers. Tobias held each thigh firmly to keep Eric astride his lap and then he finally closed his hand around Eric's erect cock. He stroked from the base to the head and then back down, his lower lip between his teeth and a frown of concentration on his brow.

"God. Tobias," Eric grunted, he let his head fall on the boy's shoulder and gripped his arms. It felt so intense, it was so different than when he jerked himself. Having Tobias touch him did things to his chest, like a flutter and it gave him goosebumps on the arms.

"Feels good?" Tobias let his fingertips discover every inch of him. He took him back in his fist and quickened the flick of his wrist. Eric opened his mouth in a silent moan. Precome dripped from his slit and it made Tobias' hand glide easier. He knew he was already close. "No, no. Stop," he ground out. "I want to come with you."

"Okay." He let go of Eric's cock in one last stroke, squeezing at the base and let it hang up proudly and painfully red between them. Eric groaned at the sight and new lack of contact and hurried to help undress Tobias. The latter peeled his shirt away and was about to unbutton his pants when Eric noticed the edge of a tattoo peeking on both of his bare shoulders. Curiosity spiked in him and he wondered if it was the same tattoo that he could always see at the back of Tobias' neck. He had always wanted to see.

"Tobias?"

"Yeah?" the boy stilled his hands at his zipper and looked up.

"Your tattoo." Eric reached for his shoulders and made him turn around, so that he was kneeling the other way. Tobias looked above his shoulders warily.

"I-" He stuttered, "I know it's weird-"

Eric barely registered his words, he was mesmerized by the sight of Tobias' back. Between his shoulder blades was inked the symbol of Dauntless; red flames that looked so real it was frightening. Below the flames were tattooed the small symbols of the four other factions, in their respective colors; a blue wide eye, two grey hands holding, a yellow tree with red branches and a black and white balance. Eric traced the five symbols with his fingers, lingering particularly on the flames. But the most impressive thing about this artwork was the thin black lines that exploded from the symbols, creating movement along his back and shoulder blades and shoulders. It looked so lively it made Eric think of wings.

He didn't know for how long he had been studying the colorful art on his back but he was startled when Tobias twisted awkwardly to look at him.

"I- You- don't like it?" Tobias blushed and he looked so uncomfortable, turning to hide his back from Eric and touching himself above the shoulder with one hand, as if protectively.

"No. It's incredible."

"You think?" Eric watched as Tobias' eyes brightened.

Eric smiled softly and shuffled on the bed until he was sitting behind Tobias again. He looked at the tattoo for a moment again and then he leaned in and kissed the skin of his back. He felt Tobias inhaling sharply and he trailed kisses down the boy's spine, his hands caressing his bare sides. But then he had to stop because the need to look at the colors was too strong. "I could look at it all day," he heard himself speak. He used his left hand to trace every detail.

"I thought you didn't like tattoos?" Eric said. He recalled the night during initiation when they'd got their piercing because Tobias didn't want tattoos and the ear piercing was a favor he did for Eric. He reached for Tobias' right ear and stroked the bar that pierced his earlobe.

"I don't. Not that much. I just needed something to remind me to stay strong."

And he did look strong, Eric thought; the muscles of his back were impressive and his shoulders were so large. He could not recognize the body of sixteen-year-old Tobias.

"Eric, I want to apologize again," Tobias suddenly said. Eric wanted to protest, deny the apology but then he remembered the ache he had felt in his chest the day before and all the tears he had shed and the humiliation of crying in front of Anita, Ocean and Tobias and he almost wanted to blame him. Though he couldn't; not with the pure guilt in Tobias' teary eyes.

"I can't forgive myself. I can't believe I made you cry. I am so sorry." His voice wavered and he rubbed his eyes angrily. "I- I just care a lot about you. I wish I could take it back and-"

Eric cut him by slotting his lips with his. Then he looked back at his eyes. "Apology accepted," he whispered.

"Thank you." Tobias looked at him sadly and then he kissed him, strongly.

Eric's erection had softened slightly but as he watched his strong body, the muscles moving as Tobias scooted closer, he felt the arousal coming back in full force. Tobias kissed his neck and their hands roamed each other's bodies gently. Together they removed Tobias' remaining clothes and dropped them on the floor.

Eric's face heated up as he watched Tobias on his knees on the bed, fully naked in front of him; his skin pale, contrasting the trail of dark hairs that led to his cock, his prominent hipbones that he wanted to bite and lick and his strong thighs. His aura made weird things in Eric's chest; somehow he was panting when all that they had done was kissing. And there was something so pure and intense in being naked with Tobias.

"You didn't get any tattoos?" Tobias asked softly.

"Only piercings." In truth Eric hadn't really had the time to think about getting a tattoo. And the piercings, they marked events in Eric's life.

"You got so many," Tobias whispered and he touched each of Eric's piercings with careful fingertips; on his ear, his eyebrow and finally his lip. He prodded it, tugged at it. Eric watched Tobias' gaze intensify and knew his own eyes were probably filled with lust too. He could remember that day during initiation; they had lain on their sides on Tobias' bed and Tobias had done the same prodding at his lip piercing. He had wanted to suck at his fingers, he remembered. So that's exactly what he did now. He leaned forward slowly and closed his lips around two fingers. He let his tongue rub at the tip of the fingers in the warmth of his mouth. He looked up at Tobias' eyes and almost laughed smugly at the effect he had on the boy just by that. Instead he sucked the fingers deeper in his mouth; after all there was nothing to be smug about, arousal was coiling in his guts as he tasted the fingers and roamed his tongue along them. Tobias slid his fingers out of Eric's mouth, dragging them along the seam of his tongue and his lower lip and kissed him deeply. Then they stared at each other's eyes, their breathing loud.

Tobias carefully pushed him on his back, his large hands warm on Eric's sides, and he settled above him. He kissed Eric's neck, sucked and bit at the sensitive skin, making him shiver.

"You're going to kill me," Tobias hissed. Frankly Eric was thinking the same thing. Tobias aligned them and rolled down his hips. "Fuck." Their breathing was harsh as they continued to grind against each other, Eric's thighs naturally parting and his hands squeezing Tobias's bum to get him as close as possible. "Feels so good," Tobias grunted.

Eric spit in his hand and coated their cocks. Then he closed both of his hands around their cocks and let Tobias thrust his hips up. The glide of the saliva felt so good to Eric; it was just so wet and burning hot with each thrust. "Oh my God," he whined. Their moans were getting louder and louder but it wasn't enough, he needed his release. "Faster."

Tobias gripped Eric's wrists and forced his hands away from their cocks and down on the mattress. Something coiled deliciously in Eric's groin and he knew it was the whole dominating thing. He kept his hands there, flat on the mattress. Tobias stared down with purpose in his eyes, took Eric's cock in his hand and flicked his wrist repeatedly and very fast, clearly wanting Eric to come. Eric was so close, he gripped the sheets in his fists whined.

"And you?" he managed to grind out.

"I want to watch you first," Tobias whispered and quickened the pace of his hand. Then he leaned down and sucked Eric's lip piercing, his eyes never leaving his. Eric couldn't keep his hands out of the way anymore; they shot up to hold behind Tobias' shoulders and he dragged his fingernails down the flesh of his back.

"Fuck!" He shouted as the coil in his lower abdomen came back, only more intensely, his back arched, his eyes never left Tobias' and he came, stripes of white staining his stomach and Tobias' fist. Eric breathed heavily, eyes closed, trying to come down from the high, weakly kissing back and moaning when he felt lips softly pressing down on his. Tobias' strokes slowly came to a stop, fortunately, because he was so sensitive he had almost let out a sob at the friction.

"You?" Eric croaked out. But he opened his eyes to find the other boy already stroking himself, relentlessly. Tobias faltered and grunted as he came too, his come spurting on Eric's stomach. Seeing the pure bliss in Tobias' eyes made weird things in Eric's chest and he couldn't help but reach up and stroke Tobias' jaw and neck.

When he looked down at the mess on his stomach he bit his lip. It was so hot to see their semen together, and if his strength hadn't drained from him maybe he could have got hard again.

"Fuck, Eric." Tobias panted, his forehead pressed against Eric's.

"I could have done it," Eric complained weakly.

"Next time," Tobias kissed him again and nibbled at his lower lip. "I- sleep."

"Yeah," Eric nodded even though Tobias had his eyes closed.

Tobias groggily crawled out of the bed to find tissues; he wiped his hand and came back to clean Eric's stomach. Then he lay down on his side, bringing Eric against him, one arm secured around his back, so that they lay face to face. "So good," he mumbled.

Eric lazily kissed and bit the skin of his neck to try to mark him but they soon fell asleep, almost at the same time.

.

This time when Eric woke up, Tobias was already awake and calmly staring at him. Eric's eyes still felt a bit puffy from crying. He was starving, it must have been the middle of the day, if they woke up now maybe they could catch lunch time at the cafeteria. Even if they didn't, Eric was a leader, he could take whatever he wanted from the kitchen.

"Slept well?" Tobias whispered.

Eric nodded and rubbed at his eyes.

"I missed initiation all morning," Tobias whispered.

Eric smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "I don't think the initiates will be too angry. Day off for them."

Tobias chuckled, "Yeah but now I'm one day late on the stupid schedule in your stupid program."

"My program is not stupid. Well yes, it is, but not the schedule. The schedule is perfectly made."

Tobias rolled his eyes and then they fell into a comfortable silence, staring at each other. Eric reached out to play with Tobias' earing which caught his attention. It was a simple thick silver bar. Eric recalled again the night they had gotten their earlobe and lip pierced. It was a fond memory; when the war was still so far in the future that the sixteen-year-old Eric didn't spare a thought about it. Now it was very near and he was so fucked up. They were all fucked up. He knew he had to do something.

Tobias poked him between his eyebrows and Eric realized he had been frowning. "What are you thinking about?"

"The war," Eric scoffed. "Always."

"We'll figure something out," Tobias promised.

"We only have a few weeks now."

"We'll find something," he insisted. "You're smart and I'm reasonable. But just- I still haven't told you that thing about me." He sounded very insecure and after his acceptance of Eric's dark truth, he wanted to be there to support him too. Tobias reached to settle a hand behind his own shoulder. Eric wondered if he was doing that to remind himself to stay strong, as he had explained the meaning of his tattoo.

"I'll listen," Eric nodded.

"Okay. I won't ask you if you know what it is. You probably already do," Tobias said fondly. He paused and took several deep breaths, his hand squeezing at the flesh of his shoulder. "I'm divergent."

"You what?" Eric raised his voice so much Tobias visibly jumped. His chest clenched in fear. No, no, no. Tobias couldn't be divergent. "No!" He let go of Tobias' hand and sat up at the ledge of the bed. He hid his face in his hands and breathed heavily for a minute. No. Tobias couldn't. What were the chances that his Tobias was divergent? Divergents were in danger! He startled when he felt a warm hand on his naked back.

"Eric?" he croaked weakly. "Why are you reacting like this? Are you afraid? Or disgusted?"

It sounded like he was having trouble to speak. Eric turned back toward him abruptly. "No, it's not that!" Sure enough, Tobias' eyes were moist and he looked very sad. "It's not that," he tried to soothe him and placed his hands on the boy's arms. He himself needed soothing at the revelation but he wasn't the priority. Fuck. How was he supposed to explain? "Remember when I told you Jeanine wanted to create an army?" Tobias silently nodded. "Well, even with dogs in Dauntless leadership-"

"You're not a dog!" Tobias hissed fiercely. Eric's insides warmed at this. He ducked his head for a second and took in the amount of love he felt for Tobias. Nothing had changed since initiation, he still loved him. That was crazy.

"That's not the point," he spoke again. "Jeanine can't convince the whole faction to fight for her, even if she has Max and me in leadership." Tobias' eyes widened at the revelation and he mouthed 'Max?' Eric nodded. "So she needed a way to use Dauntless members without their consent to avoid rebellion against her project. She created a serum."

"What?"

"Basically when we take the serum –well, not you- we're in a sim and we fight for her without understanding that we are actually killing people."

"But divergents can't be controlled by the sim," Tobias whispered.

"And that's why Jeanine has been tracking down divergents since forever. She needs to get rid of them now, because they are the only flaw to her plan. And you," Eric swallowed, "you will be exposed if you take the fucking serum."

"Fuck."

"You're in danger, Tobias," he mumbled and clenched his hands on Tobias' biceps.

"I told you. We'll figure something out. And we'll save not only you be me too. It'll be fine."

"We are so fucked, Tobias. You don't understand. You don't know her, she's insane. There's nothing we can do-"

"Yes, we can. We just can't act alone. We need to tell people about the war. But Eric, there's something else I have to tell you. It's about Amar-"

Eric's shoulders slumped a bit. He hated thinking back about him. He felt guilty for hating a dead man. A dead man who was Tobias' friend.

"Amar found out about my divergence because he was the one analyzing my sims and he taught me how to get through my fears without controlling the sim like I naturally do. But I never wanted to tell him in the first place."

"It makes sense," Eric said slowly. He wanted to apologize about his behavior; he had never stopped asking Tobias about his secret and he had hated Amar because of it. Maybe it was his pride, he couldn't find it in himself to say sorry. This subject was still touchy to him. It was because of Tobias' and Amar's encounters that Eric had suffered so much during initiation. It was because of Amar that Eric didn't get the support of his best friend when he needed it the most. Sometimes when he came back from the awful missions he just wished for one thing and it was the comfort of someone, warmth, a genuine smile. Because of Amar he never had that.

It wasn't even jealousy. It was just painful to think about those moments. He felt awful because Amar was dead and an apology seemed natural but he couldn't. He couldn't apologize. It still hurt him.

Tobias had his head ducked and was looking up at him through his lashes. He looked stunning in Eric's bed, with ruffled hair and soft skin revealed until his lap, covered by the sheets. Eric sucked at his lip piercing and knew Tobias had noticed with his eyes zoning on his mouth.

"Amar only had good intentions," Tobias said.

Eric didn't surrender to the temptation that was a naked Tobias. He suddenly was hit by anger as he remembered all the pain Tobias put him through since they were sixteen. Good intentions?

"Do you have any idea how much I suffered?" he ground out and leaned closer to the boy. "Uh? Do you know how much I wanted to kiss you all this time?" He bit Tobias lower lip but not enough to draw blood. The other boy made a strangled noise in his throat and Eric relished the effect he now knew he had on him. He let go of his lip. "How much I wanted to touch you?" He placed a gentle hand on his naked chest, feeling the warmth and the small hairs. "All this time. Since initiation," he whispered and glared half-heartedly at Tobias. "And you were blind. One day you shoved away my help and went to Amar without any explanation. Another day you tried to kiss me but then you freaked out and asked me to forget it. And when you finally did kiss me, you walked out on me."

"I didn't know," Tobias gasped. His eyes were wide. Eric swallowed, his throat was tightening, he knew that meant he was going to cry and he couldn't. He abruptly got up from the bed, away from Tobias' remorseful eyes that weren't really helpful. He was then hit by his nakedness and fumbled on the floor to find his boxers. When he put his hand on them he bent and slid them on. He straightened up to find his back hitting a warm body behind him. The taller boy pressed up against him and closed his arms around Eric's shoulders from behind. "I'm so sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Back then I didn't know a thing about my sexuality."

"Stiff," Eric broke the tension and Tobias chuckled. He sniffed, glad that no tears came out of his eyes. He let Tobias turn him in his arms.

"But that's exactly it. I was stuck up. I knew that our friendship was somehow special. And it hurt me too when we drifted apart."

"I couldn't- watch you and Amar together. You probably never noticed but he didn't look at you like you look at a friend. He touched you too much. He flirted. I couldn't bear it." Tobias was gaping at him. "Yeah," Eric rolled his eyes, "You never noticed."

Tobias looked away, pressed a fist against his mouth. "Fuck," he mumbled. Eric huffed. "But, Eric. It just hit me- since initiation, you-" he trailed but the other boy knew what he meant and nodded, looking straight back at his eyes. He had nothing to lose, nothing to hide, Tobias had already seen him at his most vulnerable.

He was taken by surprise when Tobias came closer so that their noses brushed. He expected a kiss but Tobias stayed there, just breathing the same hot air and pinning him with an intense gaze and swaying closer and further, closer again, tempting, but never kissing and somehow it was more passionate. Slowly his hands skimmed Eric's bare skin from his lower abdomen to his neck. He shivered when Tobias' fingertips stroked right below his jaw and he wanted to kiss him so bad but Tobias was keeping a distance, still looking into his eyes with intent, opening his mouth and, hypnotized, Eric mimicked him, taking as much as the taller boy was giving him. Both of their breathing accelerated, Eric could feel it, his hands were settled on Tobias' heaving chest. Fingertips trailed from Eric's jaw to his chin and he tilted his head back, letting Tobias graze his lips at the tip of his chin. His hands skimmed higher and he scraped his fingernails on Eric's scalp, roaming his hands through his hair. Eric exhaled a shaky breath and suddenly Tobias closed the gap and fireworks exploded. The feeling was so intense, the kiss was so different than all of their previous ones. Their lips opening wide and closing and their tongues brushing only once or twice but it was perfection; they completed each other.

They parted and kept the same distance as earlier, their mouths open, breathing in the other and their eyes intensely locked. Their chests were heaving, they caressed each other's neck and jaw deliberately, never looking away from the eye of the other. Eric didn't understand what was happening but he couldn't think either, his mind was filled with Tobias, he was breathing Tobias and feeling him in his every bone. When they regained a normal breathing they leaned for soft kisses, leaning back, staring and kissing again ever so softly. They kept at it for what felt like an eternity to Eric; he couldn't get enough of Tobias and it was obvious in the other boy's eyes that he felt the same.

Until Eric's stomach rumbled and the intensity of their stare-down wavered. Tobias smiled softly, his eyes pouring affection; he stroked Eric's cheeks and kissed him one last time very gently. "Let's eat something," he murmured.

Eric was taking everything that Tobias was ready to give. He was absorbing the fond in Tobias' eyes and it made him breathless. Eric nodded, his wide eyes never leaving Tobias.

xxx

Later in the Pit, when Tobias was busy with the initiates, Eric went to meet Anita.

"Here's my baby," Anita grinned and roughly grabbed Eric's face to kiss him on the temple.

"Anita!" Eric hissed. "You can't just do that in front of people."

"You seem different." She completely ignored his complaining. "You get laid or?" Anita smirked.

"The fuck are you on about?" Eric growled. But really, how did she know? Was it visible on him? Did he have a love bite somewhere?

"There's lightness in the way you're moving," she waved her hand over his body. "Something happened to you."

Eric didn't know how to answer without letting too much on, if he protested he would sound defensive. But his hesitation was fatal.

"You did get laid!" Anita hissed and shoved him lightly on the shoulder. "Come on! Who was it?"

"Shut the fuck up." She was so loud! Eric frowned, did she want someone to hear her?

"You can tell me," she nudged him. She was way too tactile today, it was annoying him. "You've known me since forever."

"Barely two years."

"And I remember you used to have some baby fat there." She pinched his cheek.

"Fuck off, Anita." He shoved back her arm.

"You know what? There's this new girl on my team, Jade. She's from your year and she told us some little secret about you during initiation."

"What?" Eric frowned. He barely remembered Jade; she was one of the transfers from Candor.

"She was telling us that you're into guys. You know, because there's this guy from my team who is crushing on you. And he keeps moaning that the mighty Eric is unattainable because you probably like ladies."

Eric blushed; people were talking about his sexuality behind his back. And someone was having a crush on him?

"So when Jade tells this, we're like, how could you know? I mean I know you better than anyone and I don't know shit about your sexuality."

"Anita, will you please-"

"Shut up, I'm not finished. So she tells us that during initiation she's seen you sleeping in the bed of our dear Four."

"What the fuck-" His whole face was red, he knew it. Of course, he could clearly remember now; Jade sitting up on her bed and watching intently as Eric slipped out of Tobias' bed and went back to his own. It had been the night of the thunderstorm.

"So is it true? You and Four were a thing?"

"No!" Eric protested.

"Then is she lying?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe you."

"Jade is telling-"

"Jade wouldn't make up such a story. I know, I know, you and Four hate each other now, but-"

"We don't." Eric said hotly before he could stop himself.

"You're friends again?"

"No- we-"

"You're stuttering. Do you have a crush on him?"

"Anita!" Eric growled. "That's enough! Go back to your team. Aren't you supposed to be packing up?"

She tsked. "Just because you're a leader doesn't mean you can order me around, Eric. You're still a baby to me."

"For fuck's sake. I'm leaving." Eric marched away, ignoring the woman's laughter.

"Was he good in bed?" Anita yelled. Eric gave her the finger without turning back. His face was flaming. "Wait, Eric!" At the seriousness of her voice Eric did stop and looked back at her. She motioned for him to come back so he did.

"What?"

"Are you alright?"

Eric paused. "Yes."

"Good." She closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. "I don't ever want to see you like that again. I want to say I love you but I know you'll be all uncomfortable so let's just pretend you already know it, ok?" She grinned.

Eric was blushing and was indeed uncomfortable. "But you just said it."

"Oh right. Then let's pretend you said it back."

xxx

For a few days it seemed Eric was allowed to breathe. Tobias helped him to think positively and to relax, even though the war was approaching and they needed to think of something.

Their relationship was physical now, it was different than when they were friends during initiation. But it wasn't the only difference, because now they knew they had each other's full trust and there was something so pure in it.

The past few months, since they had begun to work together, there had been an awful tension between them. And at one point Eric had believed that what they needed to relieve it was a good fight and a bit of blood. Now he knew he was wrong. What they needed was simply trust and honesty. And sex.

They were both new at it and they were discovering each other's body more each time they stumbled in one of their beds. Mainly it was just grinding and jerking off but it was enough for Eric. He had Tobias. Jerking off with Tobias was more intense and pleasurable than having full sex with someone else. At least he thought.

.

Eric decided to supervise the transfers' training. When he reached the roof where they were practicing shooting, he instantly caught sight of Tobias.

He hadn't seen him arrive and was walking to Tris. Eric was close enough to hear.

"Tris, I told you, your elbow is too low and prepare for the force backfiring." As he talked he adjusted her elbow his hand on her arm. "Try again."

The Stiff did and her shot wasn't that bad, Eric thought; it hit near the center rings of the target. The girl smiled brightly and turned to look back at Tobias, but when she did she saw Eric and froze.

Tobias turned too and he smiled when he saw Eric. Eric had the urge to walk up to him and touch him but he also wanted to shout at him to be more discreet in front of the initiates.

He didn't have to; Tobias suddenly ducked his head and faked a cough and when he looked back up his face was completely impassive.

"Are you slacking up, Four?" Eric drawled.

"No." Tobias said and stepped away from Tris who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Eric glared and she looked away. She tried to shoot again but she missed. Eric didn't think anything of that, no, he wasn't feeling smug. He coughed himself to make the smug smile disappear from his face.

The rest of the hour, Tobias just kept sending him heavy glances that promised him an obscene outcome and for the first time ever Eric struggled to keep his composure in front of initiates. So he left before they even finished their practicing. The initiates couldn't see him flushed or worse, aroused.

Half an hour later someone knocked at his door. As soon as he unlocked it, Tobias barged inside and locked the door. Eric, not surprised at all, pushed him against the door and pressed his body against him.

"I couldn't wait," Tobias said softly.

It was so new to Eric, he still had a few seconds of surprise whenever Tobias showed his want of him. He did wait for years, it was to be expected.

Eric pressed his lips against his, chastely and then trailed kisses along his throat and collarbone and let his hands roam Tobias' body.

Tobias hands came to Eric's belt and hastily he shoved his pants and underwear down to palm Eric's warm member. "Shit." His legs buckled. "Bed."

They almost stumbled on their haste to get to Eric's bed because they were walking at the same time as undressing and as attempting to touch each other. Eric let out a breathless laugh. They must have looked really ridiculous.

"Having fun?" Tobias teased him. Eric was reminded of their fight during the flag game because Tobias had said the exact same thing then. So he tackled Tobias to the bed, mocking him when he yelped. They kissed, or they tried to, because smiling and kissing at the same time wasn't an easy task. Somehow then they ended up trying to tackle the other, messing up the covers of Eric's bed as they fought childishly. Eric lost the fight when Tobias tickled him on the stomach and he tried to escape.

"You dared!" Eric complained, he was sprawled on his stomach, with Tobias lying on top of him.

"Yes! I tickled the mighty Eric." Tobias leaned down to kiss the back of his neck and Eric shivered. He trailed kissed down his spine, his hands caressing Eric's sides.

Eric groaned, he was fully hard again, the amusement of their fight gone. He ground his hips on the mattress, chasing friction but then Tobias' hand slipped under him and closed around Eric's cock. It was too dry but at least Eric had friction and he let out a relieved sigh.

He heard Tobias spit and when he looked over his shoulder he saw him wetting his own cock and then he positioned himself above Eric's bum and he ground down. His cock was sliding between Eric's cheeks and it was wet and the sight of Tobias doing this motion and the pleasure on his face was too much for Eric. Arousal was coiling deep inside him, his cock twitched but Tobias' hand around him had stilled.

"Tobias," he grunted.

"I want to be inside you," Tobias whispered and he ground his hips again, his cock rubbing between Eric's cheeks. Eric let out a moan as he imagined Tobias penetrating him, God he needed friction.

"Fuck, do it." He slapped Tobias' hand away from his cock to stroke himself. Because Tobias had regained his hand he now had a better balance and he gripped Eric's hips with both hands.

"I can't." Tobias kept grinding his hips, his hand sneaking under Eric's body to find his cock again. "We need-"

"A lubricant," Eric said, a deep blush coloring his cheeks and neck.

Tobias groaned rolled Eric on his back and kissed him deeply, giving himself time to suck on the lip ring, as usual. Eric rolled his hips up, while kissing back fervently. They ground against each other until Tobias' breathing hitched and he came, his thighs trembling.

"You're going to make my lip bleed one day," Eric said when Tobias came down from the high.

"Where are we going to find that?"

"Find what?"

"A lubricant, Eric."

"I don't know," Eric sighed. "But I'm still fucking hard."

Tobias kissed him one last time and then he ducked his head and took him in hand.

"We'll find something for next time," Eric promised, gasping the last word when Tobias crawled lower on the bed and tongued at his slit.

"Can I?" Tobias whispered, rubbing the head against his moist lips. Eric thought he looked obscene with his flushed cheeks and messy hair. He nodded and Tobias parted his lips and ducked to suck. A noise that sounded close to a sob came from Eric. It didn't take him long to come with the warmth and wetness of Tobias' mouth around his cock.

.

The next time Tobias came in a rush into Eric's room he looked far too happy. "Look what I got," Tobias said triumphantly. He held up a small bottle that had the infirmary insignia.

"You saw the nurse again?"

"The nurse is called Melissa and she is my friend."

"Your friend who had her tongue down your throat," Eric hissed.

"Nothing more ever happened between us, Eric. She's a friend now. But that's not the point, look what she gave me."

Eric took the bottle and read the hand-written label, 'Vaseline'. He blushed furiously. "You- Is it for-?"

"Yeah," Tobias whispered and stepped closer, his hands going to Eric's hips.

"You told her!" Eric hissed.

Tobias groaned. "Why are you only focusing on her? I brought a solution to our problem."

"I don't like her and I don't like her knowing about your sex life."

"You jealous bastard," Tobias chuckled fondly. "It's fine. Nothing ever happened between us." Then he began undressing and Eric forgot all about his jealousy.

They ended up naked on the bed with Eric lying on his back and Tobias sitting beside him. Tobias started stroking his thighs gently and parted them. He shifted so that he was sitting between Eric's thighs. Eric could feel his stomach tightening in anticipation. There was something so vulnerable in lying there and letting Tobias see all of him. But he didn't hate it, not with the eyes that Tobias was making him.

Tobias leaned down to kiss Eric's knee softly and then he looked at Eric, a question hanging in the air. Eric nodded and Tobias let out a shaky breath. Eric watched as he took the bottle with the Infirmary insignia and put some product on his fingers. He started by coating Eric's cock, stroking him to full hardness. He took more and let his fingers trail down. Eric couldn't see, so he focused on Tobias' face, on his concentration and his willingness to be as gentle as he could. He felt one finger penetrating him. It didn't hurt, he wasn't tense anymore, he had one of Tobias' hands in his. The other was sliding in and out of Eric's hole. Slowly Tobias added another finger, and another. When Eric told him he was ready, because he couldn't wait anymore, their skins were sticky from sweat and they were both panting.

And then Tobias was in him and it did hurt. But he hadn't ever experienced such bliss before so he didn't care about the pain. It was bliss to be with Tobias and to be so close, as much physically as emotionally. He loved him with all his heart, so much that it was frightening. But at the moment he felt like he could battle anything, anyone. Tobias' eyes were telling him as much as he looked down at him and moved his hips back and forth, repeatedly, creating a rythm.

When Tobias started to lose his rhythm, he talked softly in Eric's ear. "You're so good. You feel so good. I can't-" he grunted and then whispered dirty words. Eric was pushed over the edge when Tobias reached between them to stroke his cock, still coated in Vaseline. "Come for me. I want to watch you come. Your face when you do-" he moaned and Eric's voice joined him as his balls tightened and he came, feeling Tobias inside him, still moving. "Fuck." The coil in Eric's gut wasn't ending as quickly as he was used to and let out a small cry, his hands pulled at Tobias' hair and he knew Tobias was coming too because his jaw slackened and the bliss in his eyes reflected Eric's. "Eric," he moaned.

As they came down from their high they kissed, stroking each other's face and hair and chest, whatever they could touch.

Then they lay side by side, facing each other as always, their heads on the same pillow. Eric's bum was uncomfortable but he didn't give a damn, Tobias was looking at him as if he had hung up the moon. It was all that mattered. They were together and they were going to survive.

"I'm so happy," Tobias said. He shifted so that he was snuggling Eric and he tucked his head under Eric's chin, shoving his messy hair into Eric's face. Eric huffed and brushed his hair away from his nose.

"Getting comfortable, are we?"

"Yes, I am," Tobias laughed.

xxx

One morning Eric woke up in panic when his alarm clock ringed, he couldn't feel his arm, he couldn't move it, not even one finger. He opened his eyes to find Tobias sleeping comfortably beside him; his whole torso was crushing Eric's arm.

"Fuck."

Eric used his whole body to free his arm and sat up. He stopped the alarm clock with his good hand.

He was starting to feel his poor arm again, tingling and warm. He had to use his other hand to actually lift his own arm and cradled it against his chest.

"What's wrong?" Tobias' voice rasped.

"What's wrong?" Eric raised his voice. "What's wrong is that you killed my arm."

"Don't be dramatic."

Eric rolled his eyes and then scolded himself for doing so. He didn't want to look like Ocean. "You slept on my arm."

"Sorry," Tobias chuckled. "Where are you going?" He asked when Eric stood from the bed. His voice sounded dejected and it warmed Eric's chest.

"Leader's meeting in thirty minutes."

"Oh. I won't see you until lunch then."

They both got dressed and cleaned up and headed out together. Eric was going to the conference room at the top floor of the compound and Tobias to the cafeteria.

"You're not even eating?" He asked when they were in the Pit.

"Don't have the time, I have to go."

Tobias pursed his lips sadly. "If I could kiss you, now."

Eric's heart jumped and he opened his mouth to retaliate.

"I know, initiates," Tobias sighed. They were in the Pit and Eric didn't want the initiates to know about them. It would destroy the scary untouchable image they had of them.

"Later," Eric said with promise in his voice. Then he headed for the stairs, forcing himself not to smile too hard at the affection pouring from Tobias' eyes.

So he goes to meet the other four leaders. When he entered the conference room, he stopped short. Everyone was already there and they stopped abruptly whatever conversation they were having. He didn't miss when Etienne rushed to gather some papers and slid them in a folder. Magdalena apparently stepped down on Max's feet because he jumped with a wince and glared at her discreetly.

"Eric, you're here. How are you?" Max forced a smiled.

"Uh-" he didn't know what to say. It was obvious they were hiding something from him. "I thought the meeting was at 0800."

"It is," Max nodded. "We're just a bit earlier. Sit down, son." Eric frowned. It wasn't even 0800 yet; Eric had decided to come early so that he could read again the document they were supposed to discuss before the meeting.

The whole meeting he was uncomfortable. He kept eyeing the black folder sitting in front of Etienne. The other leaders were plotting something that included Max. And if it included Max, it meant Jeanine was behind it and was keeping Eric out of it. He didn't like that idea at all.

xxx

There was a knock on Eric's door. No one ever came to see him. It instantly worried him; he knew if it was Tobias, he would just walk in without knocking. For a moment he was reminded of that night, when Tobias' was laid unconscious and battered in front of his door. He rushed to his door, his heard pounding loudly in his chest, his brain working a hundred miles per hour, thinking of all the scenarios possible where Jeanine could have had her hands on Tobias. But he hadn't done anything, he had obeyed.

He opened his door to reveal a calm-looking David. He let out a breath of relief, trying to calm the fuck down.

"Hey, Eric."

"David."

"I just wanted to see you because I'm worried about Ocean," he said with uncertainty.

"What did he do this time?" Eric sighed.

"Nothing, it's just, he didn't show up yesterday on our small mission with the team and I still couldn't find him today. I went to see his boyfriend. The guy said someone had told him Ocean was on a top secret mission." Eric's chest tightened, his eyes widened. "So I was wondering if you knew where he is? He's under your orders only. You wouldn't have assigned him on a mission alone, right?"

"No," Eric said breathlessly.

"Shit I hope he's fine-" Eric wasn't listening. He was scared. Ocean was his to protect, that's how it had been the past few months. Ocean couldn't be killed. He wasn't divergent, right?

"I- I need to check-" he let his sentence hanging.

"Wait Eric, let me come with you." David sounded honestly worried but Eric couldn't let him follow.

"No, I can't."

"I'll just follow you, you know."

Eric's temper flared, he grabbed David by the collar and pushed him up the opposite wall of the corridor. "You don't understand what's happening," he hissed.

"No, Eric," David held his chin up, glaring at him. "It's you who doesn't understand. I care about Ocean too. I don't fucking care what is it that you don't want me to know, I'm coming with you because we're a fucking team and that's how it works. Stop acting like a martyr, like a hero, like loner who's too superior for us. We'll find Ocean together." He paused, noticing how Eric was gradually calming down. "You're not alone."

Eric let go of his collar. He breathed heavily for a few beats. "Let's go then. To Max." He looked up, determined, and seeing the same determination in David's eyes. What he was going to do was insane. He couldn't let David know about his connection with Erudite. About what Erudite did to people who were in their way. But he would.

When David held out his hand, Eric clasped it, a gesture that he never did before.

He took him to Max's office, hoping that he wasn't making a big mistake by confronting Max. They burst inside the office, startling Max who was bend over documents at his desk. "Eric?"

"Where is he?" Eric's voice boomed. "What did you do to him?"

Max stopped short, stayed silent and didn't even try to pretend like he didn't understand what Eric was talking about. He looked guilty. He knew. Eric felt his knees lose their strength, he fell to them, barely noticed David's hands trying to hold him upright. Ocean had been taken by Max and Jeanine. Were the other leaders behind it too? What could he do? He was practically sure that Ocean wasn't divergent, Jeanine would have no reason to kill him. Fuck. He choked. It was his fault, Jeanine had probably took hold of Ocean as a threat to Eric. She knew he wanted out. She knew he was trying to think of a plan to counteract her coup. That's why he shouldn't have allowed himself to have friends in the first place. It was only a matter of time before Tobias and Anita were taken. What about his team?

"Eric, son, are you alright?" Max asked worriedly and something in Eric snapped, he stood up fully, pushing David away and stepped closer to Max's desk.

"WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO TO HIM?"

"ERIC CALM DOWN!" Max stood up abruptly. "Don't talk to me like that. Ocean-"

"I'll fucking kill you-" he tried to jump over the desk but David's hands grasped at him and held him back. "Eric!" He shouted.

"Ocean is not even divergent! Right? TELL ME THE TRUTH! Is he still alive?" Eric's voice cracked.

"Son, you need to calm the fuck down. Jeanine-"

"THAT BITCH, THAT FUCKING-"

With David holding him still, Eric didn't have the time to avoid Max's fist, he only saw the older man's arm fly to his head in a blur. Then it was pain at the side of his head and stars around his eyes and everything went black.

.

---

AN: So tell me what you thought!