You're insane

by TheO0032

I'm insane. The beginning is... different, but after that, it's weird. A school teacher who has played portal, a 7-year old kid who has played portal (in spite of her parents), and a moron are sucked into the game and turned into portal characters because the moron said "you're insane". It's plotless, just like all my works. Rated T for 3 things: thegame,could-beswear,&anotherword.

Yeah, you're insane. It says so in the title. It's because you weren't sane enough to know that you were going to be called insane by the title. Otherwise, you wouldn't have picked this book. OK? Now that we've got that behind us, let me tell you the other thing: You will be treated as insane due to you choosing this book, so this might not appeal to the sane people.

Once upon a time, some people bought milk. Since they were insane, they fed it to the cows. The end.

OK, not really.

The title is "you're insane" because it begins with somebody being told that he is insane. Also, because I am bad at titles. Ignore the strikethrough text though. Seriously. I was kidding about that, by the way. Also, the book contains logical contradictions and Portal 2 references. But only from chapter 1 to the end.

"This statement is false", says a random guy.

(GLaDOS shorts out)

OK, now that we've gotten the logical contradiction and Portal 2 reference of the chapter done, on to the story, which, by the way, will be in present tense because I'm bad at writing past tense.

"You're insane", Richard says to Caroline.

Richard, by the way, is a bad person, in fact, he is one of his nicknames. The nickname is "Moron", by the way, not "Dick".

"This from Moron", says Caroline.

"I told you. I am NOT a moron!", says Richard.

Yep, the first portal 2 reference wasn't the only portal 2 reference of the chapter. You need to have played the game to know this. I should make Valve my sponsor. And the book cheaper. How can you get cheaper than $0? No idea. So, since I am writing this about Portal 2, I might as well put it under the Portal fanfiction category.

Caroline:Try brute-forcing my password.

Richard: (typing it onto a computer) A-A-A-A-A-A. (Wrong!) No, that's not it. A-A-A-A-A… um… C! (Wrong) Wait… did we do B? Do you have a pen and paper? Let me start writing these down. (Everybody gathers round and begins to laugh at Richard. Soon, they fight)

Yes, I just slipped into a script-like format. But who cares? I can make a song about it…

I'm back.

I make Portal 2 fanfiction every day, I make portal 2 fanfiction. I ma-

Nah, it doesn't fit the meter of the Pokemon Go song. Forget it.

Anyway, their teacher comes along and somehow stops them from fighting. You'll notice that that will happen shortly.

(The teacher comes along and nearly stops them from fighting)

Caroline: Oh come on!

Teacher: I know that he's a moron. But that doesn't justify… oh no.

Principal: Position replacement cannot continue… unless a trained school board official presses the stalemate resolution button.

Teacher: What is happening to this school?

Guess what? I'm the overlord of this world. So… I control everything. I made Richard say "you're insane" and cause all this. So chapter 2 is called adventures through Portal 2, part 1 for no apparent reason.

(The sound waves from Richard's "you're insane" has triggered a massive interdimensional domino effect, causing… this.)

(The teacher grows an orange jumpsuit and portal gun and etc… and that's it.)

(Caroline just gets to control an entire hyperadvanced facility as a droid… and somehow knows how)

(Richard becomes a personality core with… you know what features. Otherwise, since you don't know who Wheatley is, get lost!)

The reason that there are logical contradictions and portal 2 references in this book is that that is what this book is about: Portal 2 parody with more "paradoxes". Get used to it.

Teacher: Come on, Caroline! We can find a way out of this together!

Caroline: The answer is no. You've been too cruel to me in the past. New mission! Refuse this mission!

On to the story again after this random exclamation...

Richard: Do it! Press the stalemate button!

(The teacher presses it)

Caroline: What are you doing? No! Stop! No! No! No!

(Richard is in control of the mainframe)

Richard: Now, we can escape this weird world. But not Caroline.

Caroline: I recognize you. From the front page of the news. You were cross-breeded from especially retarded adults. You aren't just a regular moron; you were the product of the dumbest morons scientists could find, to create one even dumber. And it was a too good success.

Richard: I am not a moron! Well, let me do this! (Arms put Caroline's core into another transfer process, transferring her into a potato) Now, she's done! A potato battery. This is a toy for children. And now, she lives in it!

(The teacher is taking notes on what has happened)

Wheatley: So you did have a pen and paper. Well, I guess you're a mute so...

Teacher: (points to Chell)

Wheatley: Oh, you're different. Well, anyway, I'd better get back to… whatever I'm doing.

Teacher: Also, for the record, I'm not mute.

Wheatley: Oh.

Richard: Can a moron PUNCH. (Puts the teacher and Caroline into an elevator) YOU. INTO. THIS. PIT!? (With each word, punches the elevator down)

Wheatley: Can a moron PUNCH. (Puts Chell and PotaDOS into an elevator) YOU. INTO. THIS. PIT!? (With each word, punches the elevator down) Oh, no, that's bad...

Teacher: Near-perfect synchronization.

Richard: Because of that, I'll make you do some kind of test. I know, right? Like the test she was intended to test for this?

Teacher: Understanding? That's weird. (Continues to take notes)

Caroline: Fine. NOW we can do this together.

Teacher: Glad so see you so cooperative. Kids today… and yesterday… and the 90s… and in the 80s… sometimes that just doesn't work.

Richard: So yeah. I made this one impossible. There's a deadly moat between the entrance and exit, which is neither of those, but still. You can't jump that long or high. Enjoy your stay!

Teacher: I have this. (Points to the portal gun in her arm)

Richard: You can't use that. There's nothing white.

Teacher: That's because it's dirty. (Places 2 portals, and crosses between them)

This is a new chapter, called chapter 3. I would give it a name, but I don't feel up for it, so chapter 3's name is chapter 3.

Here's another thing, I'm the one responsible for this stuff. Also, I'm responsible for Richard only doing the funny parts of stuff. So the teacher doesn't need to play Portal 2 for real. But he also needs to fill in for GLaDOS.

(The teacher enters another test chamber)

Richard: Let there be light. I pumped these light platforms from the surface. OK, I didn't, but somebody did. Anyway, these platforms can set you on fire if you rub your clothes or cheek on one, so don't do that. Also, you can stand on it. Yes, you can STAND on it. I didn't believe that either, you see, but it's actually true.

I just Wheatley-ified that quote. Yep. Don't hate on me.

Teacher: I'm not impressed. You also forgot this. The emancipation grill is broken here. So… (portals over, stands on the button, puts a portal outside the chamber and one inside, then jumps through the portal)

Yup, I just merged 2 chambers.

(They enter another test chamber)

Richard: This is one that is totally legit, made by me.

PotaDOS: That's my test.

Richard: How'd you get in here? And no! The word test on there, that's completely new.

Wheatley: That's my line!

Richard: Not that "completely" there, that's new.

Wheatley: Oh, sorry.

Richard: No problem.

Caroline: I have an idea. Let's kill him with a logical contradiction.

Teacher: No! We don't want to KILL him!

Caroline: You have a point. Also, why is my voice so monotone?

Teacher: You're GLaDOS. She's a malevolent AI.

Caroline: Oh.

Richard: Get back to testing, fatty fatty… no job!

Teacher: Hey! I have a job!

Richard: Teaching isn't a job.

Teacher: Yes it is!

Caroline: And she's not fat, moron!

Richard: I am NOT a moron!

Teacher: You really know how to push his buttons.

Caroline: I'm good at bugging him. Plus, I've played Portal 2.

Teacher: At age 8?

Caroline: Yes.

Teacher: Now I'm disturbed yet admiring you. I'm your third grade teacher, remember?

Caroline: Of course! But you're supposed to be mute!

Teacher: That was the wrong thing to say… (mute)

Caroline: Rats. Do you have a pen and paper?

Teacher: (nods her head)

Caroline: Also, I don't know sign language, by the way.

Teacher: (facepalms)

Caroline: Actually, you are a teacher of bad students, and that's terrible.

Richard: Alright, paradox time! I always lie!

Caroline: That's nearly always correct. Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it…

Richard: No, that was a statement, not the paradox. The paradox is "I would like some wine, but, since I am not human, cannot get it."

Caroline: Yeah, you are a moron.

Teacher: (writing on her notepad: "Let him bring us closer to him.")

Caroline: OK. You know, moron, that the thrills of testing increase while you are close to them, preferably right next to them?

Richard: Sure thing! (Sucks them all to the central AI chamber)

Caroline: OK, now we'll escape this thing by manually disconnecting him and wiring your head up to it. I'm somehow proficient in this. And somehow I can do it in this potato. (Plugged into an outlet) I can only do so much. So you're on your own.

(The teacher opens up the hatch, shoots a portal at the moon, and another portal, eventually, at the conversion gel, sucking Richard in, but not herself)

Richard: I'm still attached!

(Caroline does what she was going to do)

Teacher: (somehow plugged in, rescues Richard)

Guys, they've done it.

(They somehow get back to normal, in school)

Teacher: So… no calling people insane! Otherwise there will be a kind of replica of portal!

Ralph: You're insane!

(5 minutes later…)

Principal: Position replacement cannot continue… unless a trained school board official presses the stalemate resolution button.

Teacher: Nooooooooooooo! Please! Does a set of all sets contain itself!?

The end. The marvelous end. Finally. This was a 1 shot. Made in 2 days, with very little effort. So yeah. I have no QC, but I do have quantity control.