After getting all settled in and changing out of their traveling clothes, the Fireflies all sought out the Addams' of their choosing.
Captain Spaulding, who had changed into a comfortable dirty white t-shirt and blue clown pants with white polka dots on them, headed out onto the second floor balcony that overlooked the family cemetery, where Gomez and Fester Addams were waiting with the butler, Lurch, and a machine that shoots clay pigeons.
"Glad to see you're making yourself at home, old man," said Gomez, welcomingly. "How do you like your room?"
"Just perfect, Gomez, old boy," answered Spaulding. "Me and Mama love all the homey little touches like the mold on the ceiling and the rat in the corner."
"Morticia's been reading Better Homes and Graveyards again," said Gomez, taking a drag on yet another cigar. Or perhaps it was the same one from earlier.
"I loaned you my comforter," Fester chimed in. He was a short, bald man with a high-pitched voice and no neck. "It's the lumpiest one in the house. Stuffed with genuine vulture feathers."
Spaulding put his arm around Fester suddenly and pulled him into a headlock.
"You old cold sore, you," Spaulding said affectionately as he gave his other cousin a noogie.
Fester screamed happily as Gomez looked on with bemusement.
"Shall we shoot, gentlemen?" Gomez said with a smile.
Lurch took that as his cue and began handing out old fashioned flint lock muskets to each family member.
"Do you do much shooting at home?" Gomez asked Spaulding.
"It's Texas, Cuz, what the hell do you think?"
All three men laughed and then Gomez shouted, "Pull!"
Lurch pulled, and three clay pigeons took to the air. The three men all took aim and fired. Gomez hit his dead on, Spaulding nicked his enough to break it, and Fester missed completely, but did manage to hit the neighbor's second story window, so he got full points.
"Good show!" Gomez cried out. "Let's up our game. Lurch, load the good china."
Lurch groaned affirmatively and began to do as he was told.
"So how's business?" Gomez asked Spaulding as they waited.
"Yes, do you still have that wonderful murder ride?" Fester added.
"Business at the Museum of Monsters and Madmen ain't been real good lately, unfortunately," Spaulding admitted with regret in his voice. "Everyone wants to sit at home on their ass and watch TV these days."
"A true shame," said Gomez, consolingly.
"Some people have no sense of culture," said Fester.
"Yeah, it's rough," said Spaulding.
Gomez noticed Lurch was ready. "Ah, here we go," he said and then shouted, "Pull!"
Lurch pulled again. Gomez and Fester took aim and blew away a priceless antique teacup and matching saucer, respectively, but Spaulding let the third dish fall to the ground un-shot.
"That's actually one of the reasons I'm here, Cousin," Spaulding said, sheepishly.
Gomez and Fester both looked at him with concern.
"Ya see the county is fixin' to foreclose on muh house any day now and unless I can make about a years back payment, I may have to move in with Gloria and the kids again, which would put a real strain on our relationship," said Spaulding.
"I see," said Gomez, rubbing his chin. "How much do you need?"
"Somethin' in the neighborhood of fifty thousand dollars," Spaulding admitted.
"Is that all?" asked Gomez. He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a wad of thousand dollar bills, then handed it to his cousin.
"Here you are, old man, and some extra to boot. Take the family to Attica on vacation next summer," he said.
Spaulding was overjoyed and gave his cousin a pat on the back before stuffing the money in his pants.
"You sure are a helluva guy, Gomez. You know I wouldn't ask for no charity usually, but the damn government and all..." said Spaulding.
"Think nothing of it," Gomez said, waving away Spaulding's words with his cigar.
Fester looked on and smiled, derangedly, at the familial scene.
"I just love lending money to family," he said. "It creates such animosity."
"Indeed!" shouted Gomez, triumphantly. "Now, let's up our shooting game even further. Lurch! Load the puppies!"
Down in the subterranean kitchen of the Addams home, Mama Firefly, who had put on a hideous pink and lime green mumu and tied her hair up with a large swath of light blue tulle, sat next to her gigantic and horribly deformed son, Tiny, sipping tea with Morticia Addams, while nearby, Grampa Firefly and Grandmama Addams argued.
"I won't tell you again, Hugo, get away from my stove," screeched Grandmama.
"I ain't tryin' to touch your stove!" Grampa yelled back. He had been leaning on it, though, and so quickly stepped away as Grandmama came at him with a large cauldron of... something. She placed it on the stove's open flame.
"You two, back at it again after all these years," mused Morticia, sipping from her steaming cup.
"Not us two," corrected Grandmama. "Just him. From the minute he got here he's been on my last nerve." She gestured to Grampa with the big wooden spoon she was holding and it looked suspiciously like a swipe.
Grampa ducked and then pointed his finger at Grandmama. "You best watch it, Esmeralda, I ain't gonna take the same shit from you I did back in the old days," he warned.
Mama Firefly leaned over to Morticia. "Don't you just love to see old people still in love after so long?"
Morticia nodded.
Next to his mother, Tiny tried to pick up the teacup that sat on the table in front of him, but immediately smashed it into a hundred pieces with his huge hands. The tea went all over his tattered overalls and the table too.
"Damn it, Tiny," screeched Mama, then to Morticia she apologetically said, "My baby don't know his own strength."
Grandmama and Grampa looked over to see what had happened, but then quickly turned back to each other and continued bickering.
"Quite alright," Morticia said, unfazed. "Thing will clean it up."
Immediately the disembodied hand appeared from beneath the table with a rag and began to sop up the spill. Tiny looked down at it as it worked with a blank expression on his monstrous face.
"You're so lucky to have servants," said Mama as she sipped her own tea.
"It's a great help having Lurch and Thing around, it's true," said Morticia. "It allows me to spend more time with Gomez and the children."
"Nothin' like family," said Mama, toasting with her cup.
"Then of course I have my hobbies as well," continued Morticia. "Gardening, knitting, taming alligators, the usual past times of any housewife."
"I hear ya," said Mama. "I've got scapbooking myself. Now that all my kids are older it helps to pass the time."
It was as if Morticia had suddenly noticed the enormous misshapen man sitting across from her as she turned to Tiny Firefly.
"Yes, your son certainly has grown out of his awkward faze," she said, looking him over. "Ever since the fire he's become more and more hansom."
Tiny turned his head into his shoulder and smiled shyly.
"Ow!" Grampa suddenly screamed and Morticia, Tiny, and Mama all turned to see why. Grandmama had stuck his hand into the boiling substance inside the cauldron.
"What on Earth?" asked Morticia.
"Adds some flavor," Grandmama said, matter-of-factly.
"Ya crazy bitch." Grampa said, just as matter-of-factly as he rubbed his sore hand.
Mama laughed and her and Morticia turned their attention back to one another.
"And where is Baby?" asked Morticia.
"Oh, I do believe she's upstairs somewhere looking for the children. She's really a child at heart, ya know."
Morticia smiled politely.
Up on the third floor, Baby Firefly, wearing a tight pair of raggedy blue jeans and an even tighter t-shirt advertising Red Hot Pussy Liquors, creeped through the dark and baron hallways.
"Little pigs, little pigs, come out to play," she called in a soft and childlike voice.
Eventually at the end of one hall she came to some stairs that lead up into the dark and foreboding attic. She gleefully ascended them.
Inside the attic she found Wednesday, a small, pale girl with dark braided hair who was dressed in a dark, pilgrim-like dress, and her brother, Pugsley, a husky blonde boy with freckles wearing a striped t-shirt and short pants, playing with their baby brother, Pubert, who was the spitting image of Gomez, right down to the mustache. They had the baby inside a large toy oven that almost resembled an Easy-Bake.
Baby made a high-pitched shrieking sound and ran over to the children.
"Oh good... you're here," Wednesday said flatly, upon seeing her. Baby threw her arms around her female cousin and squeezed. Wednesday was not pleased.
"I love your braids!" shouted Baby, releasing Wednesday and taking her hair into her hands. Before Wednesday could say anything, Baby turned her attention to Pugsley. "Oh my gosh, look how fat you are!" she yelled.
Pugsley smiled wide. "Hug?" he asked, putting his arms out like Frankenstein.
Baby glommed onto him quickly and he rested his head on top of her large breasts. He turned and faced Wednesday and smiled even wider. Wednesday rolled her eyes in disgust.
Once baby had released him from the unusually long hug he insisted on, she turned her attention to Pubert in the oven.
"What are ya'll up to?" she asked.
"We're making cutie pie," Wednesday said.
"Not until I get to hold my new baby cousin, you're not," said Baby. She went over and took Pubert out and held him in her arms. Wednesday and Pugsley looked disappointed.
"He's so heavy!" cried Baby. She sat down on the dusty attic floor, cross-legged, and put Pubert on her lap, then she motioned for Wednesday and Pugsley to join her. They reluctantly did so and sat down so the three of them formed a triangle. Baby looked at her two eldest cousins. "How have you been?" she asked in a calm way, finally.
"I just got out of juvie," Pugsley said, proudly.
"Nice," said Baby, impressed. "What about you Wednesday? How have you been?"
Wednesday said nothing.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Baby asked in a mischievous way, poking Wednesday in her side.
"No," Wednesday said, flatly.
"There was one boy who liked her," Pugsley chimed in, teasingly.
"He's dead now," said Wednesday.
Baby laughed a sudden and high-pitched laugh. Wednesday cringed. Pugsley looked at Baby with heart-eyes.
"Let's play a game," Baby suddenly announced.
"We were until you showed up," said Wednesday.
Baby ignored her and looked around the creepy old attic. There were chains, whips, and a chainsaw hanging on the wall. An electric chair sat in one corner, while an iron maiden sat in the other. On a nearby crate was a box of crayons.
"I have a game," Baby finally decided.
Wednesday and Pugsley looked curious.
A short while later, Pubert giggled as he lay in the center of a pentagram that had been drawn on the attic floor with a red crayon. Baby, Wednesday and Pugsley sat around the pentagram in the same triangular formation as before, except they held hands this time, while chanting something in Latin.
All of a sudden, Mama and Morticia's heads popped up from the attic's entrance.
"Lunch is ready," announced Mama. "You all knock off what you're doing and come eat."
"Mama, we're trying to summon a demon. 'The Child Snatcher'," said Baby.
"Now Baby, you're too damn old to be playing those kiddie games," said Mama.
"Plus, Grandmama has made her speciality ," added Morticia, "Stewed Skunk Ape."
"Mmm," said all the young people at once, even Pubert, sort of.
"You can finish your game later," Mama relented. "But for now, the rest of the family is waiting, so move your butts."
And so they did.
To Be Continued