written for: roseandradio (Coriana)
written by: rmnitb (meepyonnee)

notes: i am. So Very Sorry that this is the exact opposite of what you requested, Coriana. i meant to give you this (monstrously long) au oneshot i've been planning forever but… i hope you like this one anyway? (i'm crying inside, can you tell)

*heyyy listen to Oikawa's Theme from the Haikyuu OST while reading this btw

**linebreak emoticon from the lovely okaysunshine (it should've been the summary, but ffnet isn't recognizing it :c )

a day in the life of yasuhara osamu, SPR's self-proclaimed daddy

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Bang goes the front door as it slams open, a weak chime accompanying it. Then enters SPR's resident troublemaker, as everyone else has dubbed him–or famed young detective, as he likes to call himself–not that any of the office's occupants realizes who it was anyway. Arms full with a stack of boxes, the college student's (ridiculously handsome) face was buried underneath the heavy bulk.

"Hi kiddies! The great Yasuhara has come to rescue you all!" he exclaims, voice muffled slightly. Then, he turns down his voice and whispers, "I heard from Bousan and–is it really true? Has the day finally come? Have any of you actually confirmed it?"

John, his tender soul, is the first (the only one, actually) who stands up from his seat and comes forward to take half of the boxes in Yasuhara's arms. Yasuhara gives him a bright, sincere for once, smile. This one is his favorite son.

"What took you so long?" Takigawa asks without looking away from his phone, too distracted to fully acknowledge Yasuhara's great presence. But Yasuhara lets it slide. He knows what game Takigawa's playing, and he understands how Pacman deserves undivided attention.

"What's with all the pizza, Yasu?" asks Ayako from her perch, all cozy in that seat of hers. Yasuhara will have to give her a scolding later, but truthfully, a daughter as menacing as Ayako (and who's technically older than him) will be hard to reproach. "You probably shmoozed off that innocent cashier at Domino's again, huh? What's his name? I forgot."

"Takeshi," Masako supplies nonchalantly, inspecting her nails. "We're neighbors. He keeps asking me for your number, by the way. Tell him to quit it or I'll have about seven ghosts haunt him tonight."

Yasuhara grins, a dangerous glint appearing in his eyes. He saunters in and sits on the ottoman, setting down the pizza boxes on the coffee table. "Oh … Is that jealousy I hear, Masako dearest?" She thinks she's being discreet about it, but it's obvious she's pining for that Takeshi boy. Since February, a little birdie, who's not very good at keeping secrets (Mai), told him (and everyone else).

"Shut the f–"

"AHHH!"

"John, what the h–"

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"John's right, children! No swearing in Mommy and Daddy's house!" Yasuhara intervenes, before John's yelling goes up a notch–he's done it before and he can do it again. We can't have Mommy go on a rampage on a special day like this. "But keep it down a bit, huh John? We have to keep this secret," whispers Yasuhara, pointing to the pizza.

"Why though?" The lilting voice comes from behind him, and Yasuhara jumps in surprise. With his line of work in the ghost hunting business, you'd think he won't get scared easy, right? Wrong.

"Dammit Mai, I told you not to sneak up on Daddy like that!" Here's another child who's going to get a scolding.

Mai scowls. "Why the hell–" Ayako leans forward to cover John's mouth– "do you keep calling yourself that?!"

"It was a special condition Mommy agreed to when I made my first donation as JSPR's patron," he explained–for the eighteenth time (yes, he's been keeping count). He doesn't understand why they keep forgetting. "Besides, I know you all like it." He waggles his eyebrows.

"NO WE DON'T!" Everyone exclaims in unison. Though Yasuhara notices how John stutters.

He rolls his eyes and brushes them off. He can read minds–he knows they like it. He turns back to the boxes and arranges them on the table, making sure to set the Capricciosa–Mommy's fave–in the middle. "Be a dear and call Lin for me, Mai. We've got some preparing to do before Mommy wakes up," he says, then as he realizes something he tilts his head slightly to one side. "He is asleep, right?

"He's gonna kill you if he hears you call him that," Mai warns, trying to sound menacing, though her shoulders shake at the effort to keep her laughter at bay. "And yeah. Fell asleep right away when I slipped him chamomile instead of the usual darjeeling."

"Good job, my daughter. With that, you're now my second favorite child."

"I've always been you're second favorite!" Mai reminds from across the room, already on her way to fetch Lin.

Ayako clucks her tongue, the sound bringing Yasuhara's attention back to the remaining three seated here at the reception area. "I still don't know what all this is for this time," she says. "This is like, what, the third time you're celebrating something this month? And I bet it's gonna be as stupid as dedicating a party to Masako's uncle's frog's first birthday two months ago."

"Oh I'm sure you're just upset you didn't get to meet Froggo the frog that day, Ayako," Yasuhara sympathizes. He's never met Froggo either. "And we're celebrating a much grander event this time."

"What is it?" John asks patiently, albeit hints of curiosity seeps through his tone.

"Mommy got–"

"Naru got a haircut," a deadpan voice interjects. It was Lin.

"Ahh! You stole my thunder!" Yasuhara pouts.

Lin only sighs in return, sitting down beside Masako. Yasuhara notices it's the farthest seat away from him.

"A haircut. Are you kidding me?" Ayako asks, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

"A trim, really," Lin says, but it goes through one ear and out the other with Yasu.

"Well Bousan sounded excited about it so I thought it was a cause for celebration," Yasuhara snickers.

"I sent you a text. How did you manage to pull out 'excited' from that?" Takigawa snorts, trying to sound detached. Yasuhara knows better–those shifting eyes say it all.

"Well enough chit-chat, kiddies," Yasuhara says, raising both hands to clap once. "We've got lots and lots of preparation before we wake mommy up for his surprise celebration!"

Mai groans. "Am I gonna be the gopher again?" she asks no one in particular, already knowing the answer to her own question. The silence that follows confirms her supicions. "Okay. Fine. What am I supposed to do."

"First," Yasuhara brings up one finger slowly–for suspense. "Turn off the lights."

Mai sighs heavily, as if the action would take a great deal out of her energy. She does it nonetheless. As darkness envelops them, a hush falls upon the room.

"Now what?"

"Wake Mommy up."

Everyone gasps–including Lin.

"You know what happened when it was Bousan's turn last week! Anything but that Daddy!" Mai pleads.

"Alas, the task falls unto you, child. John took the fall for you last time, remember?"

From the other side of the room, John very audibly chokes.

"B-bousan," Mai utters weakly. "It was your idea to give him chamomile. Please. You do the honors."

"Goodbye, everyone," Takigawa says, the sound of him standing audible from across the table. "See you all next Monday. Tell me all the details of Mai's murde–GAH!" An ungraceful yelp accompanied by the loud thud of Takigawa's fall–music to Yasuhara's ears. Mai must've tripped him on his way to the front door.

Masako's soft giggle was the start of it all. Then Lin follows, and now everyone's doubled over laughing, trying and failing to catch their breath.

"I'VE SAID IT TIME AND AGAIN–" the CEO's door slams open. "THIS IS NOT A CAFÈ!"

"Oops," Ayako whispers. "Now you've done it," she blames, as if she isn't the one who cackled the loudest just a second ago.

"Psst, Mai," Yasuhara hissed. "Let there be light!"

Yasuhara hears footsteps approaching them slowly as Mai scampers towards the light switch. One small accident later–it was inevitable that she'd trip on something on the way–the lights come on, temporarily blinding everyone in the room.

"Surprise~!" Yasuhara croons, arms open to welcome the celebrant, signature shit-eating grin already in place.

Mommy Naru, with crumpled clothes and bags under his eyes, glares hard and cold at all the occupants of the room. But it isn't as intimidating as the usual. Although it masks his new haircut–which is the very thing they're celebrating right now by the way–everyone thought his bedhead made him adorable.

"This is not a damn cafè," Naru repeated, the nearly unnoticable pout on his lips making him look more petulant than intimidating. "There's one downstairs? Why do you people insist on loitering here?"

"The ambiance downstairs just doesn't sit well with me." John shrugs.

"Yeah, and the curtains are abysmal. They make me want to throw up," says Ayako.

"There's one spirit that keeps bothering me there," Masako adds.

Before Naru could interrupt, Mai chirps in. "The barista keeps hitting on me, so I can't really hang out downstairs."

That seems to have shut him up.

Naru closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He sighs deeply, just he always does when he scolds them for being noisy. "Just keep it down. I'm trying to work–because this is an office and that's what people do here," he says, though it lacks the usual bite to his usual condescending tone.

"Yup. Office is for work," Takigawa says with his eyes locked on Naru's bedhead, hiding a smirk behind a hand. John turns around to camouflage his mirth.

"Come now, Mo-Boss," Yasuhara snickers, catching himself before he makes the mistake. It wouldn't do well to sour Mommy's mood further. "Today's celebration is dedicated to you! We can't have the guest of honor leave right away!"

Naru ignored him.

"We have Pizza Capriccioso~"

Naru halts in the midst of turning his doorknob. He then slowly closes the door and heads straight back here at the reception area. He sits at his usual seat at the head of the table, crossing his leg and delicately placing his hands on his knee. He does this all while maintaining a stolid expression, plus his bedhead.

"… Where is it?"

Using his lips, Yasuhara points to the pizza box in the middle. Mai takes the initiative to open it, and the pizza's mouthwatering scent instantly permeates the air around them. About three stomachs grumble right then and there.

But, as everyone reaches for a slice simultaneously, Naru suddenly stands up and walks away. Just ups and leaves. He doesn't even retreat back to his cave. No, he goes straight out the front door.

"Um. What the hell?"

"Ah," Mai says, pointing to the pizza. "Yasu, was this Capriccioso customized?"

"Yeah, I told Takeshi to remove the olives. Why?"

-:-

"Mommy noooooo! Please come back! I made a horrible mistake!"

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