Hello there. I hope you all enjoy this. Happy Easter.
It's Me
Deacon sighed loudly as he tossed and turned. Once again, sleep alluded him. Every night was the same. He usually crashed early from excessive sleepiness, but then found himself wide awake in the early hours of the morning. If he was lucky he'd manage to nod back off for an hour or two before sunrise. The insomnia, along with a decreased energy level, and a lack of appetite made him well aware that he was more than likely suffering from clinical depression. But he'd fight this battle on his own, and he knew he'd win in the end. People had lost far more than he had, and survived. He realised that time was the only thing that would heal, and it had slightly. There wasn't an hour in any day that he hadn't thought of her, but despite the pain, he'd learned how to control his emotions in the presence of others. It was the loneliness of darkness in the bed they'd shared that hit him hard.
It had been almost two months since she'd gone; the worst two months of his life. He'd been through many rough patches over the years, but everything else seemed like a walk in the park to him now. He felt like part of him was missing, and knew that if it wasn't for the promise he'd made to her before she died, he would've hit the bottle hard long ago. "Be strong… for the girls," she'd whispered. He'd never let them down. That was a given. Between being a single father and overseeing the running of Highway65, it appeared that he was managing okay without the love of his life. He wasn't. He missed her. He missed her so much it was like a constant ache in his chest. His heart was truly broken, and he longed for the day when he could feel happy once more. At the moment, happiness seemed like an unattainable dream to him.
He could still feel her presence in their room. Even though he'd had Tandy take away most of her belongings, he was sure he could still smell her scent at times. And just the other day as he was putting his socks on, he found one of her beautiful long hairs clinging to one of them. He pulled it off and held it at both ends. He laid it across his lap while he cried, the memory of her incredible long tresses almost too much for him to bear. He blinked away the tears right now, as he remembered. He rolled over to the empty side of the bed beside him and hugged her pillow. "Goddam it," he muttered to himself, frustrated at the current state of his wide-awake mind.
He'd fully expected tonight to be more painful than usual. The day ahead was Maddie's birthday, the first one without her Mom. The thought of what she must be going through made him feel physically sick. His beautiful child. Their child. Her stoicism of late amazed him, yet almost tore him apart. Those sweet girls were what kept him from falling apart, but it just wasn't fair for them to have lost their mother at such a young age. This birthday was going to be tough on them all. Plus, it stirred up all kinds of memories of the many years he'd missed out on with his daughter, and of course, with Rayna. On top of everything else, he felt wracked with guilt that it took him so long to become the man she wanted him to be.
He felt the familiar lump in his throat, and the sting of tears behind his eyelids as he lay there, willing himself to sleep. He often dreamt about her; her smile, her laugh, her voice. She was nearly always dressed in her wedding gown, in these dreams. A vision of loveliness, with so much love etched on her glowing face. She always sang to him, songs that he'd never heard before. He couldn't work out how that was possible, but her words to him were always scrawled on paper the minute he was awake. He always woke with tears on the pillow, but a smile on his face. It was as if Rayna herself was making him have such dreams. Feel-good ones. Never about her death or absence from their lives, but of happy times with him and their girls. And beautiful music...pretty much everything that had always been important to them. It was no wonder he wished he could sleep more. Finally, he felt his body start to relax. The last time he'd looked at the clock it was 4.42am. He'd been awake since just after midnight. With a bit of luck, he'd crash until about seven.
Just as he drifted off, he was startled by the click of his door opening. He reached for the sheet to cover his near-nakedness, as it could only have been one of the girls. He peered into the darkness towards the sound.
"Sweetheart, are you ok?" There was no reply. "Maddie? Daphne? It's ok. C'mere."
He could just make out what he though was Maddie standing beside his bed. He reached out his hand. "Maddie, what is it? Did you have another nightmare?"
She slowly knelt down beside the bed, where Deacon was half sitting, half laying.
A hand reached out to hold tightly onto his. "Deacon."
His breathing stopped as he froze. He snatched his hand away, as if he'd been stung… and backed away, saying nothing. An adrenaline rush like he'd never felt before was surging through his body.
"Deacon!" The voice whispered urgently. "I need you to stay calm. It's me, baby."
He fell backwards onto the floor and scrambled to the corner of the room where he cowered, head in his hands. "NO! NO! NO!" he chanted, thinking he was totally losing his mind. He began to sob uncontrollably, his body shaking.
She was kneeling before him again, prying his hands away from his face. "Deacon. You need to listen to me. It's me. I'm here. I'm not dead, sweetheart. It was staged. You need to calm down…and shhh. Look. Look at me. I'm real."
The light from her phone sprang to life, and lit up her face. His head rose and he inhaled sharply as he saw the face of his wife looking at him. "What the fuck, Rayna. Am I going fucking crazy?" He blinked hard a number of times, expecting her to vanish before his eyes.
"No! I'm sorry. I had to see you. Although you have to know how dangerous it is that I'm here. I've risked my life coming to see you, but I couldn't hold off any longer."
"Your life? What the hell are you talking about? What are you trying to do to me? I must be dreaming." He shook his head vigorously as he tried to get up' but she pulled on his arm.
"You're not. Please calm down and I'll explain. I don't have long."
He took a deep breath to help relax and stop his body from shaking. "What's goin' on, Ray?" he breathed. He angrily pulled himself away from her grasp. "I saw you die, Rayna! We all did. We sang to you for Christ's sake. We were right there. How can that be staged? Huh? And more importantly, WHY the hell would it have been?"
"Please let me explain. First of all, it was. They gave me something that slowed my breathing down so much that it was almost undetectable. And they did something to the monitors so that even the medical staff thought I'd gone. Don't worry about all that now, but you have to believe that I had no other option. It turns out there was more than one stalker. And this one is extremely dangerous. More dangerous than you could ever imagine. He's wanted on five counts of murder, and he's proven he'll stop at nothing to get what he wants. It was the only way my life could be saved, Deacon. If he knew I was alive he would've come after me. And he still could. I'm so sorry. I didn't want this. And fought hard against it. But it was the only option, babe. You know I'd never leave you and the girls unless I absolutely had to. I had no choice." She could hardly get the last part out, she was so choked up.
Deacon sat stunned, his head hanging in disbelief as the morning sun began to lighten the room. He abruptly stood and walked to the bed, grabbing the sheet to wrap around his waist. He sat on the edge of the bed and she followed him, sitting beside him but keeping her distance. They sat in silence. She knew how much of a shock this was for him and understood the need for him to process it.
"I'm so, so sorry," she whispered, gently placing her hand on his. "I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. But it's been hard for me too; knowing how you much you've suffered. And Maddie and Daphne too. I love you all so much. If I didn't, I wouldn't have agreed to any of it."
He turned to study her then, through the dim light. She looked exactly as he remembered. Her face was beautifully scrubbed free of makeup, and her hair was pulled back from it. He carefully reached out to touch her cheek, to make sure she wasn't an illusion. Her eyes closed and she turned her face towards his fingers, to touch them with her lips. "I've missed you so much," she murmured.
He pulled his hand away. "Why now, Rayna? Why would you come to me now? You agreed to fake your death, one that has nearly killed us all…and tonight you're risking all that by turning up here? I don't understand. Why the fuck would you do that?" he spoke urgently, getting a little louder as he went along.
"Shh, please keep your voice down. I can't let the girls find me here. You just need to trust that I've taken every possible precaution to see you. And I've had help with that. I knew how difficult today will be for you, and I needed you to know that I'm alive. And that I love you. The guilt has been killing me, Deacon. I couldn't wait another day to see you." She was openly crying now.
He reached for her then, pulling her close. 'Hush, Ray. It's okay. I'm just so damn shocked. I feel like I need a li'l minute to process all this." He rested his chin on the top of her head while their arms held on to each other tight.
She didn't seem to mind the silence. She was content to just hold him, while she quietly sobbed. They sat that way for countless minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. He asked her questions and she answered him with raw honesty. She wanted to know how the girls were coping, even though she already could imagine. As she felt his body relax against her, she climbed onto his lap and he ran his hands up and down the sides of her thighs and hips, quickly realizing that she wasn't wearing any panties under her dress. The groan he let out was more of a growl and suddenly he didn't seem so angry. Instead, he sprang to life, and that had been exactly what she had in mind when she hatched this little visit to their home.
"I'm sorry. I know we need to talk. But you have no idea how much I've missed you, or maybe you do," she squeaked out between kisses, quickly reaching for the sheet that engulfed him. "I've thought about this every minute of every day."
Before he knew what was happening, she was crouching before him, pulling at his briefs in a frenzy. His hardness was plunging deep into her mouth, and he was losing control. The shock, the lack of sleep, and now the pure pleasure was spinning around and around. He took two deep breaths, and didn't want her to stop, but silently begged her to move northward. She was too good at bringing him satisfaction, and he didn't want to be that guy right now.
As their lips met, and she straddled his lap, he could feel how wet and ready for him she was, which brought him a different level of contentment in knowing that he could still excite her so much. He gave her his mischievous grin.
"What?" She wondered. God, she loved that face of his.
"I've just missed looking at you, especially when you're all hot and bothered," he teased. Knowing that their time would soon have to come to an end, their bodies quickly converged and his hard cock dipped deep inside her. She moved, slowly, up, down, around, and back again. Their breath was quick and hot, until she came to an abrupt stop. Opening their eyes, they came together, pleasure overtaking them both at the same time. "That was certainly not what I expected this morning," he grinned, obviously amused, although his cheeks were wet with fresh tears.
She pushed him backward until he was forced to lean his head on the bed frame, and he looked longingly at her, eyes twinkling. Without delay, she climbed onto his lap once more, legs straddling his, as his lips instinctively nestled between her breasts. He pulled her dress over her head and tossed it on the floor, freeing her breasts so he could get a good look at each of her nipples they hardened with excitement for him. She let out a moan as his face found its way back between the fullness of her breasts. "I want to live here. Right here, between this gorgeousness," he confessed as he inhaled her scent and became intoxicated by her curves.
"Mmmmmm, I'd love for you to," she grinned at the thought of the constant pleasure they had always brought to one another. "And you'll be able to soon, baby. The detectives don't think it'll be long til they swoop on this guy. And then I'll be back, but not before. I can't risk coming here again. I'm sorry." She felt her eyes fill with tears once more, and he brushed then away with his thumbs as they spilled onto her cheeks.
"It's okay. I understand. Please don't put yourself in harm's way. I'll wait. However long it takes. You just take care of you. I love you so much, Ray." He pulled her towards him and kissed her gently.
She cupped his face in her hands as their kiss ended, looking intently into his beautiful blue eyes. "Deacon, my love…I'm going to have to go soon. But I need you to promise me something first."
"I'm all good, Ray. I'd nev…" he tried to speak.
"Shh…" She touched her fingers against his perfect lips. "I know, I know. I've never doubted your strength for a minute. And I love you for that. But that's not what I mean. Deacon, I need you to promise me, that if I don't come back…that if he gets to me…you'll move on. That you'll find someone else to share your life with."
"You said yourself they'll have him soon," he growled.
"And I'm sure they will. But if they don't…he's a criminal mastermind. Promise me, please? I'm begging you." They were both crying again.
He put his head back, closing his eyes. "Goddam it, Rayna. I can't. I won't. There's never been anyone else for me besides you!"
"Deacon," she spoke more forcefully now. "I can't guarantee I'll be back. But you know I'll be doing everything I can to come home. You're an incredible man with so much to offer. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to love. The thought of you being alone for the rest of your life kills me. Promise me! Promise me if I don't come back you'll find someone who loves our girls, who loves music...and...," she swallowed, "who loves you as much as I do."
He huffed. "Alright, alright. I promise. But you just hurry up and come home, so I never need to honour it."
He pulled her to him and kissed her again. She moulded to him, her breasts pressed against him. He made tender lover to her again, taking just a little more time. With each caress and kiss he told her with his body just how much he wanted her, needed her, loved her.
"I love you, Rayna. With all my heart," he whispered when she got up to leave. "You stay safe, please." He was practically begging.
"I'll try, baby. And I can't wait to continue our life together. I love you."
She kissed him again before rising, her eyes never leaving his. The broken heart he'd lived with for weeks and week was almost bursting with love for her. She stood in front of him completely naked and he found himself admiring the smooth curve of her hips and the way her breasts were perfectly round. He watched her dress before she leant to kiss him one last time. "See you soon, my love," she breathed.
He closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him, wondering how long it would be until he had her in his arms once again.