Everything Wrong With: Alvin and the Chipmunks - The Road Chip
- Holy sh*t. This is the first movie in this series to not immediately open with a chipmunk cover of a licensed song. I'd be happy about that if it weren't for the fact that- Holy SH*T. This is the 4th movie in this series. It's never gonna end, is it? 1
- The writers feel the need to write the Chipettes offscreen in an attempt to keep the... focus primarily on the Chipmunks. But... Why? It's not like they contribute much to the plot while they're present anyway. And you use guest judging American Idol as a reason for that matter? I don't buy that. 2
- Even though the phone screen and call accept button are facing Theodore, Alvin is able to accept this call from the other side. 3
- Also, normal phones halt the video recording when the phone rings, but this video keeps rolling until Alvin presses his imaginary accept call button. 4
- Simon must get a sudden case of amnesia after each movie, as he should otherwise expect Alvin's asshole antics by now. 5
- Phoned in Fuscia! cameo. And speaking of phones- 6
- How did he know that? The flip button is on the phone's screen which is not facing Alvin. Goodness, only 6 sins in and half of them are based on the muddled mechanics of a stupidphone. And speaking of phones- 7
- Phoned in Redfoo cameo. I sense a vicious cycle. 8
- These cops are number 13 on the list of worst cops in cinema ever. They're at a raging house party hosted by minors while on duty. Someone call the Chipmunk Protection Services. 9
- According to Brittany, the proper method of making your glutes strong enough to propel your whole body five feet in the air is by doing limbo of all things. 10
- Throwing a party for someone who you know can't even attend is the WORST thing to do. 11
- Cheesy and unfunny play on words in the title spells "We come up with catchy titles first and then write a whole movie around it afterwards". And that spells bad news for me. Againgain. 12
- Oh Theodore, you you you. I don't care how comically fat you are. That is more pizza than you can eat in your whole lifetime. That's just wasteful. At least Alvin is using his half pipe. 13
- Haha, he said it's a classic. 14
- Seriously though, Party Rock anthem was far overplayed in the previous movie. And on all the radio stations. I don't want to hear it again. 15
- WAIT- I LIED! I WILL GLADLY- I WILL GLADLY LISTEN TO FARTY COCK FANDOM OVER ANYTHING WITH THE NAME JUICY WIGGLE!
*internal mental meltdown* 16
- First, jizzayum. 17
- Second, jizzayum. 18
- Third, this is the debut of this garbage, so Brittany shouldn't have heard it before unless she was with Redfoo in his basement when he recorded it. That, or she's lying and just wanted an excuse to say jizzayum. 19
- Fourth, F*CKING JIZZAYUM. 20
- I personally love watching people who are paid to pretend to look interested. 21
- Everything about this song and dance is awful, so I'd be surprised if it didn't become the next whipp neigh neigh or running man. 22
- Theodore mean-mugging while dancing with Eleanor is so adorable, it almost makes this whole sequence tolerable. I mean, look at that thing! Melts my heart. 21
- Unrehearsed sync dancing. 22
- Ew-uh, you two okay? Ya sounded like you were choking on your own words there. You being paid to seem interested too, or did the sound quality break? 23
- SPLAT. He dead. 24
- Simone- I mean Simon's uncomfortable dialogue is uncomfortable. 25
- Weird, gross, ew. 26
- How the hell did they hear him? That loud noise is blasting, and Alvin is neither screaming nor speaking into a mic. 27
- This raging party would not stop just because Dave said roll credits while everyone else was also saying roll credits. 28
- Also, roll credits. 29
- You sent him videos spoiling the surprise. 30
- Fart gag. And not just any fart gag, but the exact same cheese ball blowing fart joke from the first movie, because that was totally funny enough to warrant a repeat. (2 sins) 32
- They tried that. It was one of the 19 odd subplots in the second movie. 33
- Acting like? 34
- Hey, remember this song from the previous movie? It was fun, right? You still like it 4 years later, right? 35
- I paid to see a movie about Alvin and the Chipmunks on a road trip. What I got was Alvin's gyrating fuzzy chunky chipmunk pelvis, and a mental image of that gyrating fuzzy chunky chipmunk pelvis squeezed into a tiny red speedo. 36
- (Very funny, guys) Actually, not at all. 37
- (sin) 38
- Cozy Grandpa. Someone make a novelty hat from Cozy Grandpa. 39
- This physics-defying golf ball must be related to the reality-pushing kite from the previous movie. 40
- This random dick-chin is a dick to the chipmunks all of a sudden because.. random dick-chin. 41
- The last time someone bullied Theodore, Alvin and Simon went chip-shit crazy and almost killed them. That was against TWO guys. But the most they can give flumpty schlumpty dick-chin is small talk. 42
- I bet you use that line on ALL the girls. (Squeakuel clip) 43
- No, by "trouble" she means "asshole". 44
- Did you just ASSUME her DOCTORATE? It's a good thing she's not a vet, or a stethoscope salesperson. 45
- The wheel did a full rotation, yet Theodore is still somehow hanging from the lip of his hood somehow someway somewhere somebullspit. 46
- GASP She's related to the dick-chin from earlier? How SHOCKINGLY CONVENIENT! 47
- This is stupid. 48
- Did you forget how to run away? Why don't you run away? Didn't that used to be the main thing you did when confronted with a bad situation? Why don't you run away? 49
- 20 bucks? Theodore is worth way more than that.. 50
- Also, donut kid from Chipwrecked? This movie has ALL the callbacks! 51
- Actually, it is. Theodore running away from home was one of the 69 subplots in the Squeakuel. 52
- Cheesy and unfunny play on words. 53
- I paid to see a movie about Alvin and The Chipmunks on a road trip. What I got was Theodore's extra thicc chubby chunky chipmunk cheeks swiveling in my face with a sudden Sir Mix-A-Lot cover on the side. You can't just turn people into furries, movie. Either you are or you aren't. 54
- The fact that the whip sound was out of sinc with Alvin whipping out 40 bucks bothers me far more than Theodore's extra thicc chubby chunky chipmunk cheeks. 55
- This isn't Samantha giving a gift to her potential future pet son in law. This is Kimberly not wanting to contract a disease from touching things touched by filthy and possibly possessed rodents. 56
- Bella Porne. 57
- The chipmunks have completely forgotten how to move out of harm's way. 58
- Chivalry is dead, no matter how powerful dickchin's boner is. 59
- "Macho" Alvin is never "macho". If Alvin isn't "macho", then.. what it he? 60
- Hey, Crabman. Did earl tell you about this gig as a prank? 61
- Well, they had to be written out of the story somehow. I agree that American Idol was a dubious way to do it, but still. 62
- I'd normally say Simon is right. That's a pretty capacious assumption based on such meager evidence. But, it's an Alvin movie. So.. 63
- Who does Theodore think would be taking these pictures? 64
- Search your feelings, you know it to be true! 65
- Theodore keeps hyperventilation bags in his cheek pockets. That's what I'm assuming, as I don't see any other place he could have pulled it from so quickly. 66
- Characters ruin other character's misunderstood plans so they don't have to deal with it cliche. 67
- I have never before laughed so hard at a "protagonist sneaks up to sleeping guy to steal something but sleeping guy blows air into protagonist's face and protagonist recoils" joke. And I saw Toy Story 2! 66
- Get it? He said nuts! 67
- Why don't you just.. tell Dave that dickchin stole your stuff, hit Alvin with a golf club, and pimped Theodore for 20 bucks? 68
- HOW can he hear them? They're 10 feet away, out a window, and he's blasting guitar hero! 69
- You seemed to have a ball picking on them all this time. I'd think you would be eager about this. 70
- And you're telling them this why? 71
- I expect this from an idiot teenager, butIthat doesn't make it any less sinful. 72
- He tried that in the first movie and it didn't work. 73
- Misplacement of the ring doesn't mean their relationship will just stop. 74
- DICKCHIN. YOU approached them. EAGERLY. 75
- Was it that difficult to just name her Ms. Miller? 76
- Alvin drugs and abducts a bunch of squirrels. That is hilarious. 75
- Uzo Aduba cameo. 76
- I can't think of a single thing to say. F*ck it. 77
- STOP. TALKING. 78
- Why the hell didn't he do that earlier? 79
- He already went through the metal detector. What's the portable one gonna find that the bigger one didn't? 80
- Oh, hey! It's the Alvin franchise in a nutshell! Or should I say NUT-SH*T? NUT THIS, AND NUT YOU, I QUIT. 81
- Movie thinks it can just replace David Cross with Tony Hale without me noticing that spit. Especially after David Cross publicly said how horrendous a time he had with these movies, particularly Chipwrecked. 82
- Crystal the monkey cameo for lolz. 83
- John Waters cameo, because the 8 year old audience that this movie is supposedly targeting will totally know what 1972 Pink Flamingos is. 84
- YES. Because the 8 year old audience that this movie is supposedly targeting will TOTALLY know what 1972 Pink Flamingos is. 85
- Okay. Suggs is kinda funny. Consider your sins against David Cross forgiven. 84
- Why don't you just get the trainer to stop waving treats around at the front of the plane? 85
- He just gave you 3 reasons. 86
- Go in. Say line. Collect check. Leave and never look back. 87
- Dick move, random woman. Ending a relationship on Christmas is one thing. But ending a relationship during an instagram video is diabolical. 88
- That wasn't random lady talking to Suggs. That was random lady talking to Tony Hale. 89
- Post Traumatic Merch Disorder. 90
- Yeah, I searched up My Heartbreak, and.. no they didn't. Mike Ryan did. 91
- Here's a list for you. Bin-Laden, Hussein, ISIS, Chipmunks. 92
- Taken reference, I enjoy you. But that wont save you. 93
- Assuming Suggs is punctual, it took them 15 MINUTES to get outside and into a cab. Theodore must have gotten hungry and forced them to stop for sit-in pizza. 94
- So why'd you take the phone out to begin with? And, WHAT IS THIS FACE? 95
- Jumpscares have become so prominent, they're popping up in PG C-minus comedies. 96
- How does that waive the age restriction? I know that if 16 year old me brought my attractive tutor to work for free at a strip joint, I'd still be denied access. And I only want the free salad buffet. 97
- Just put on bows and minimini skirts. No one will know the difference. 98
- Shake Your South Side has so much sinability, but jizzayummit, I'll take anything after that juicy wiggle monstrosity. 98
- Why'd everyone suddenly start fighting? No chair was thrown. 99
- Property damage, legal issues, decline of eligible customers because of the loss of shirts and shoes, HOW is a brawl GOOD for business? 100
- Oh, I forgot. This is Texas, so pew pew doggies howdy howdy sirloin steak rodeo pew pew yeehaw pew pew. 101
- The good, the bad, and the sh*tty parody. 102
- Correction, random Asian kung fu movie with bad voice over parody. 103
- CORRECTION, Matrix parody! Munktrix! Trixmunks? Blue pill. 104
- Slow motion movement, but regular speed voice. I don't know if I prefer this, or the deep voice slow motion gags from the previous movie. Plus 2 sins for the added confusion. 106
- Character stays still and waits to be hit cliche. 107
- Chip-money shot. I mean that in both ways. 108
- This draws NO blood. 109
- Stiffing a cabbie. 110
- This terrible dialogue. 111
- Boo hoo. Welcome to life. 112
- Give him time. Hey oh. 113
- You've been telling yourself that since you were five, and you're still not over it. 114
- I was hoping Simon had gotten all the chipsh*t out of his system back at the airport, but nope. 115
- THIS warranted a pause. THIS warranted a pause. 116
- Cheesy and unfunny- 117
- STOP IT. Cheesy and unfunny play on Miles. 118
- So many songs to choose from, so much time to do so.. Yeah, we'll use 62 year old Iko Iko, sure. 119
- There's that jirating rodent pelvis again. 120
- This cab driver went to the "Escape To Witch Mountain" school of leaving your taxi unattended. 121
- Suggs would be good at Cinemasins. 122
- And of course, New Orleans Mardi Gras parade, because there's always a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans, it's literally ALL THEY KNOW HOW TO DO- 123
- This HUGE OUTDOOR CROWD is able to hear the tiny rodents. 123
- Where the hell did he come from? 124
- That doesn't answer my question! 125
- And a tiny little squirrel roommate that waits for you to drop your tiny little soap. 126
- (Adorable Theodore) sigh. 125
- Nut shot cliche has become so synonymous with chipmunks movies that nut shots being in chipmunks movies has become a cliche in itself. I've got you by the scrotes, movie. 126
- There was no mention of alcohol use in the pg rating suggestions list. 127
- Discount Deidrie Henry. 128
- Trombone KO. 129
- THEY HEAR WHAT HE SAYS. 130
- Firstly, Uptown munk- eh.. funk. 131
- Secondly, they feel the need to censor "put some liquor in it", even though Suggs was just downing liquor in literally the previous scene. 132
- Thirdly, the chipmunks seemingly have gripes against singing about alcohol, but have NO problems singing about "white gold", AKA crack cocaine. 133
- Unrehearsed synchronized dancing. 134
- This Hollywood Access show is covering a random party in New Orleans AS NEWS SHOWS DO. 135
- ROLL CREDITS, across multiple state lines. 136
- Suggs gets wasted(-1), parties in New Orleans(-1), and wakes up with a hangover and a strange tattoo(-1), in bed with Flula Borg(-1). THAT. THAT IS IN THIS MOVIE. I LOVE IT. (-1) 131
- Oh no, If we upset her again, she just might give us a firm tap on the wrist. 132
- That doesn't matter. 133
- Theodore is crazy stupid. Crazy adorable, but also crazy stupid. 134
- Your definition of "kill" is very different from everyone else's definition of kill. 135
- One of them would make for a great social justice debater. 136
- (roller skate with wheels) 135
- We interrupt this movie to bring you a sponsored advertisement for Chuck E Cheese. It's not even fuggen subtle. 136
- And for the record, Chuck E Cheese hasn't been good since they got rid of the Wild Riders game console. Just saying.
- Pretty establishing shots that are in ALL the traveling movies. Party in the USA, y'all. 137
- THE FINGER COMPELS YOU TO STAY PUT. 138
- Placing Spanish words sporadically throughout your sentences stopped being cool after the 6th season of the Simpsons. 139
- This dance scene is incredible. Ya got Simon popping open a bottle of champagne like it's 12 in the afternoon, Alvin tears open a sugar packet and sprays it in the air like it's white gold, while Theodore mean mugs in the back, this movie is awful don't get me wrong, but it has a few moments that make me giddy. 136
- I'm sorry what? 137
- The south and north Koreas have been through a lot together. 138
- Screw you, gravity and inertia! Theodore Sydal McMahon Mysterio Hardy Kingston Vin Diesel Mario Supermunk Seville cares not for your existence! 139
- No. Just no. 140
- How did he end up over THERE? The car is HERE. He gets hit HERE. Yet he lands over HERE. HERE'S 3 SINS. 143
- Look at the detail on Theodore's model. Must've cost a fortune. Well, more than 20 bucks, anyway. It makes me all the more upset that better writers weren't invested in, but I'm knocking off a sin with my car nonetheless. 142
- Get it? He's fat and he died but he's fat so he survived because he's fat and he smalled food because he's fat so he lived and he's FAT. 143
- Miles apparently would have DIED from that slow moving car, but Theodore shakes it off and is just fine. That means Theodore trained at the Kung Fu Panda school of being an indestructible gelatinous blob of fur. 144
- You ride together, can you die together as well please? 145
- Simon would be great at no shit, Sherlock. 146
- CHEESY AND UNFUNNY F*CK- 147
- Oh my gosh, all white girls talk like this. Especially when their career highlight was starring in a Disney channel sitcom. 148
- Stop with the rodent on human insinuations. Just stop it. 149
- This works, even for a short time. 150
- I can't think of a single thing to say. F*ck it. 151
- Shut up. 152
- Shut up. 153
- Nope. 154
- NOPE. 155
- Who's Dean Gullbury? 156
- It was you, remember? Your yell just completed it's cycle around the world. 157
- The movie is becoming aware of its own billshut amount of subplots. Yet no lessons were learned. 158
- OOPS. 159
- OOPS. 160
- This is the FOURTH time in this movie that he's said some variation of this sentence. 161
- Wasn't that the plan anyway? 162
- Alvin hospitalized you, Dave. TWICE. 163
- I haven't bothered with the "Alvin is an asshole" counter since it kinda goes without saying at this point. But I just want to point out that there's a difference between an emotional hoarder and an emotional asshole.
- Actually, traditional Chipmunks are fuggen savage. One time, a chipmunk jumped up and snatched my apple. What an asshole. 164
- No, that's the correct order. And number 4 is being the subject of many furry fetish fantasies. 165
- *roll credits* 166
- Also we have a quota of screen time to fill in order to sell as much merch as possible. 167
- Ashy Gray what? Knees? 168
- That takes care of that. 169
- An original song. A fairly good original song. I'd remove a sin if I didn't have to sit through a juicy wiggle jizzayum to get to it.
- I don't understand why the Chipettes are considered superior to the Chipmunks. Sure, they're more recent and.. female, I guess. But when you look past that, the Chipmunks objectively have more to offer. All the Chipettes can do is sing, dance, and a bit of flippy sh*t. The Chipmunks can sing, dance, do flippy sh*t, play tiny instruments, AND poorly reference pop culture most kids of this generation wouldn't understand. So, what gives? 170
- Speaking of flippy sh*t, the Chipmunkettes were doing a lot of that in the past 2 movies, and absolutely none here. Sure, this is more how I'd expect a chipmunk to actually dance, but how do you go from flying trapeze to uncle shuffle? Whether it's the characters or the animators, someone's getting lazy. 171
- Owl City, SUE EVERYTHING. 172
- I can't take it anymore. These people back here can't see SH*T. THEY CAN'T SEE SH*T. THEY CAN'T HEAR SH*T. IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. 173
- Alvin's the only one moving his mouth, yet there's multiple high voices rapping. So either Alvin's got a mixer in his throat, or the others have mastered ventriloquism sans puppets. 174
- Theodore's mean mug will get me every time. 173
- Miles is trying so hard to make it seem like his guitar is actually doing something. 174
- I see no phone in which you'd receive said Ryan related texts with. 175
- Cheesy and adorable play on words. Heck, I'm not even bothered that they already used this in the second movie. Well, I sort of am. But I'm physically incapable of sinning Theodore Eleanor fluff. Also, they're totally porking. It's not even subtle. 174
- Because our voices are ear grating and we're always f*ckin up your life. 175
- At least I think you were. No sound was actually emanating from the guitar, so... 176
- Tiny little soaps. 177
- This took 4 movies to do. 178
- Simon's quick maths are still sh*t. 179
- We wrecked your home, home, home! 180
- ROLL PAYCHECK! 181
- (Pizza Toots bonus round) +20
Total: 201
Punishment: Extra Thicc-munks