Karma was confused - confused, and slightly irritated.
Ever since the unfortunate day that Korosensei had spilled the beans about Karma's suspension, his classmates kept trying to talk to him. They invited him to sit with them at lunch, to partner up on projects, to study for quizzes, and just about every other excuse to interact with him. Each offer was rejected; every attempt at companionship rebuffed. Friends were unnecessary - Karma had survived this long without them, hadn't he? Even though Karma had suspected this would happen, he still didn't understand why they tried so persistently to get to know him. So far, Karma had only acted coldly with his classmates. The face he showed them was apathetic, sardonic, and wholly withdrawn. Why would anyone want to be friendly with someone like that?
No one, Karma told himself, again and again. I've crafted my mask perfectly; my walls are impenetrable. I just have to wait for the novelty to wear off. Sooner or later, they'll forget what Korosensei said and go back to ignoring me. Just stick it out a little longer. They're not really interested in me - they just find my circumstances intriguing. They'll get bored if I keep rejecting them. People are petty - constantly ignore them and they'll lose interest. It's not like I'm a very likable person, anyway.
But constantly rejecting people is hard, as Karma would soon discover.
Karma was halfway down the mountain when he heard someone shouting his name from behind. He reflexively peered over his shoulder at the sound and saw, to his surprise (and chagrin), three of his classmates quickly gaining on him. Karma recognized them - Shiota, Kayano, and Sugino - but he had no idea what they could be calling him for.
What do they want?
He sighed, turning to face them as they finally caught up to him. "Yeah?" he questioned, securing his bag over his shoulder.
"We go the same way home, right?" Shiota asked. He seemed to be the leader of the small pack, since the other two stood behind him. Kayano and Sugino both seemed wary of Karma, noting his movements with distrustful eyes. He couldn't exactly blame them, though. He'd gone out of his way to project the image of being someone nobody wanted to mess with. Not that anyone really tried to mess with him - Karma tended to stay in the background. He only brought out the menacing persona when people tried to get into his business.
Karma nodded wordlessly in response.
"Let's walk home together!"
"Why?"
"We haven't really talked much since you asked about Korosensei," Shiota said shyly. "I just thought it'd be fun, you know?"
Is this guy for real? We talked for, what, ten minutes? I distinctly remember being very standoffish during that ten minutes! Not exactly the kind of person someone would want to walk home with, that's for sure. What game is he playing? If he's hoping to get my help on an assassination plan, well, he's got another thing coming.
"I don't think-"
"Oh, c'mon!" Kayano interrupted, stepping up beside Karma and teasingly punching his arm. She seemed to have recovered from her initial distrust faster than Sugino, who still stood behind Nagisa. "You're always brooding in the corner. It won't hurt to smile a little and hang out with your classmates!"
Karma scowled. "I don't brood."
"Oh, of course not," she agreed, rolling her eyes. "You just sit by yourself, stare off into space, and refuse to do anything with the rest of the class. That's not brooding," she said sarcastically, eye alight with a mixture of sympathy and amusement. "So are you coming or not?"
Not, Karma wanted desperately to say. I don't want to walk with you, talk with you, hang out with you, or do anything with you! I've made my preference for solitude very clear, so why are you still trying?
That's right, the voice hissed inside his mind. You do hate being around people. Scared, aren't you? Scared they'll see how weak you are, how pathetic you are, how worthless you are. They'd run for the hills as soon as they saw the real you, wouldn't they? Your own parents hate you - what makes you think anybody else would be any different? You're hopeless! Nobody would ever want to be your friend, you hear me? Nobody!
Shut up.
Maybe it was his desire to prove the voice wrong, or maybe it was that he felt completely indifferent. Maybe, just maybe, it was the resurfacing of a childlike need to be seen, to be wanted, to be noticed by someone, by anyone. Maybe somewhere deep, deep down he really did want friends, or as close to friends as he could get. Whatever the reason, he stupidly, impulsively, pathetically answered, "Yes, I'm coming."
Kayano and Shiota beamed up at him in response, and Sugino's eyebrows raised in surprise. He felt a traitorous flush rising on his cheeks, despite the impassive expression he usually maintained, and turned to resume his walk down the mountain.
"You coming?" he asked, his voice only slightly higher than normal.
Boisterous agreement met his question. Shiota joined him on one side, Kayano on the other, and Sugino trailed behind.
Maybe this isn't so bad, Karma mused to himself as Kayano and Shiota began to chatter about the homework for the day, Sugino occasionally chiming in. I can deal with this.
Of course, Karma had no idea he would very soon be forced to reconsider.
"Hey, Akabane?"
Karma glanced over at Shiota. He'd remained silent for most of the walk, and he felt a little surprised to be addressed so suddenly. "What?"
"You let Korosensei call you by your first name, right?"
"Yeah."
"Can we call you that, too?"
He shrugged. "I guess."
Shiota grinned at him. "Cool! You can call me Nagisa."
"Okay."
Have I ever been on first-name basis with anyone besides nii-chan? Karma wondered to himself. I don't think so. I mean, I might have called a few kids by their first name in elementary school, but after that . . . Huh. I guess I haven't called anyone besides Gakushuu their first name since then.
"So, Karma," Nagisa tried the name out, "why do you wear the black blazer instead of the school-issued one?"
"Huh?" He glanced down, processing the question and filtering through excuses he could give. "Oh, I just like this one better."
Well, as excuses went, worse ones existed. It's not like he lied. He really did like the black blazer better - he just didn't wear it solely on account of fashion. He'd switched his standard-issue gray blazer for it back in his first year. He'd realized he and Gakushuu looked much too similar when they both wore the gray uniform, so he'd opted to fix that in the only way he could. Not a perfect fix, maybe - if someone put him and Gakushuu side by side they still looked alike - but at least they no longer resembled each other as closely.
Karma had also been trying to catch his mother's attention. He'd hoped the school would call her about the dress code violation and she would call him about it, but nothing had happened. The teachers scolded him about it half-heartedly, told him they'd called his mother about it, but they let it go pretty quickly. His mother never mentioned it. He'd expected that, of course, but it still frustrated him back then.
Sugino sighed from behind them. "Well, if anyone can get away with breaking school rules, I guess it would be you. Man, I still can't believe you're ranked second!"
Karma twisted his head around to glare at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
He felt slightly surprised Sugino mentioned it. He'd been expecting the class to ask him about it after Korosensei blabbed, but nobody had. Even when they tried to talk to him or invite him to do things, nobody ever brought up his ranking or his suspension. He'd been relieved at first, but his annoyance over his classmates bugging him about other things quickly overshadowed any sense of satisfaction.
"Nothing!" Sugino said hurriedly, waving his hands around in a nervous manner. "I just . . . you don't seem like the academic type, you know? Like, caring about grades and stuff doesn't really suit you."
"I don't care," Karma said stiffly, turning his head back to face forward. "School is easy."
Liar, liar! the voice sang out jeeringly. Don't want them to know how stupid you are, huh? Don't want them to know about the hours you spend pouring over textbooks, trying desperately to raise your scores? Why haven't you beaten Gakushuu if school is so easy? Why aren't you number one yet? What, you want them to think you're a genius or something? The voice shrieked laughter in his head. Tell them! Tell them your big brother is the genius, not you! Never you!
"Unbelievable," Sugino said, exasperated. "What planet is this guy from?"
Kayano and Nagisa burst into quiet laughter.
Karma rolled his eyes, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. He stopped short, though, when Nagisa let out a gasp. He turned to see the problem and saw Nagisa's attention fixed on Karma's hand. Nagisa grabbed at it, twisting it around and examining it.
"What happened to your hand, Karma? It looks horrible!"
Karma couldn't blame him for his reaction. His hand did look horrible - scars, callouses, and fresh bruises from recent fights riddled his knuckles, contrasting starkly with his pale skin. He usually kept his hands hidden underneath his desk or in his sleeves so nobody would see, but he never counted on people seeing outside of school. The hand Nagisa held, his right hand, held the most damage, considering it was his dominant.
"Just some fights. Don't worry about it."
His skin tingled uncomfortably where Nagisa touched. Karma wanted desperately to yank his hand away, to stop the burning sensation that spread throughout his arm and left him tense and anxious. He restrained himself, though. Something about the loss of warm contact made him feel even more uneasy, so he allowed Nagisa to continue his examination. When was the last time someone touched me? When did I last feel someone else's skin on mine? I hit that guy last week and he hit me back. Does that count? Mr. Akabane patted my back a while back. How long ago was that? That must have been at least three weeks ago . . .
"Dude, that's not just some fights," Sugino said, peering over Nagisa's shoulder to catch a glimpse. "It looks like you picked a fight with a wall or something."
You're not wrong. When Karma got especially frustrated with school, his parents, his failed assassination attempts, he usually sought out some delinquent to vent his frustrations upon. When he couldn't do that, however, his bedroom wall suffered the brunt of his anger. That didn't happen very often, though. He could usually find a delinquent; he just took things a little too far and punched a little too hard.
"Okay, a lot of fights. What's the big deal?"
They stared at him.
Sugino sighed. "Maybe just . . . wrap your knuckles before punching people, all right?"
Karma frowned. "Okay?" he said hesitantly.
These people are weird.
After a while, the strained silence between them shifted back to lighthearted chatter. Karma mostly stayed out of it, but occasionally they managed to pique his interest when they discussed assassination, midterms, or potential Korosensei blackmail. He would then respond, hesitantly at first, then gradually with more confidence. He thought he might even be enjoying the companionship, much to his surprise. A nice change from the usual silent walk home, he mused to himself. Or from the violence I usually stir up.
Of course, fate was nothing if not incredibly sadistic, especially when Karma managed some semblance of peace.
The thought had barely finished forming in Karma's head when he heard a loud, gruff voice calling, "Oi, brat!"
Strange, Karma thought. That voice sounds almost familiar.
He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, turning to where the voice sounded from while ignoring the questioning looks from the other three. Mercury eyes landed on two boys, high school students by the looks of them, leering at him from the alley to his left. Karma couldn't place them, but something about their scowls seemed vaguely familiar - like he'd seen them in a dream, or a hallucination. The two high-schoolers seemed to have no trouble identifying him, though.
"It is him, see?" the first said, elbowing his companion harshly in the side. "I told you I'd seen that hair before!"
His companion grumbled. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're a genius, now shut up."
Karma cocked his head, fists itching for a fight, but mind warning him you're not alone this time. Don't go dragging them into a fistfight. "You need something?"
"Eh? You don't remember us?"
"He was pretty out of it when we got to him."
"Hmph. You went psycho on a pal of ours, ring any bells?"
Karma's grin went razor-sharp. "I go psycho on a lot of people. You'll have to be more specific."
"Yeah? Well, how's this for specific: you beat down our buddy, we grabbed you and beat you down, and you laughed the whole way through. Remember us now?"
Karma could feel the ripple of surprise that went through his classmates behind him, but they remained silent.
The first boy snickered. "You were a real freak, you know? We pounded on you forever, and you just laid there laughing that crazy laugh. I thought you had a few screws loose."
Any resolution of avoiding a fight flew straight out the window. Oh, Karma remembered them now. Inaudible screaming, desperation, punching, that's nice dear, adrenaline pounding in his ears, do you see me do you see me do you see me - the memory of one of the worst days of his life flashed before his eyes, and Karma hated it. These two had just dragged up a memory he'd spent a year and a half repressing, and they were going to regret it dearly.
"You know," Karma said, stepping forward into the alley and letting his bag drop to the ground. "I do remember you now. Who could forget your ugly mug?"
The delinquent snarled. "You damn brat-"
"So, how about a rematch?" Karma fixed his lips into a sly smile. "I'll even let it be two-on-one, so it's fair."
The second teenager cracked his knuckles threateningly. "You're gonna regret this, you crazy bastard."
Maybe, but I'm going to do it anyway.
"Karma, I don't think you should do this," came Nagisa's urgent voice.
He shot a glare over his shoulder. "Stay back, got it? This is my fight." Karma turned back to the two high-schoolers, spreading his arms wide open. "I'm ready when you are, idiots."
One stepped forward, fast, arm shooting out even faster. His fist landed squarely on Karma's cheek, face alight with a savage throb of pain. Karma twisted his head to the side, spitting out a clot of blood, before turning back to his attacker.
His teeth flashed in a scarlet-stained taunting grin. "That it?"
The boy's face contorted with barely contained fury. "Not even close."
Then they both ganged together against him, and Karma focused all his attention on the fight. He didn't really fight back - not at first, anyway. He allowed their hits to land, but only on his face. His nose, his mouth, his temple, his cheek - they all received the brunt of the other's rage. He managed to sidestep and dodge most of the blows aimed for his stomach, but a few connected. Karma sneaked in a few sucker punches here and there - well-placed hits he knew would be sore in the morning - but he mainly concentrated on directing all the damage to his face.
Don't lose control, he told himself. There's an audience this time. You can't lose it in front of these people. Don't let them see the monster, the freak, the psycho you are. Keep taking hits like you normally do, but no freaking out after. You can't take this one as far as you usually do.
The violent dance lasted only a few minutes, but to Karma it seemed endless. Hits rained down on his face from two opponents, his face bruising purple and blood trickling into his mouth and his nose and his eyes.
That should be enough.
Karma grinned suddenly at the two boys, lips stretching wide in a twisted, morbid sort of delight. "Let's finish this, okay?"
The second boy's eyes flashed. "You little-"
Karma surged forward, palm planted firmly on the other's face, sweeping the boy off his feet and forcing him to the ground. The high-schooler let out a groan of pain, but remained still, so Karma figured he was down for the count. He turned to the other boy, cracking his neck from side to side, ignoring the raw ache in his face that clouded his thoughts and dulled his concentration.
"Your turn?"
The teen tried to stutter out a denial, tried to save himself from the doom he knew approached, but Karma harbored no merciful feelings for him. They had started this fight, and Karma would be the one to finish it. This isn't over until I win.
Karma tutted disapprovingly. "You wanted to fight, didn't you? I'm all warmed up now - don't keep me waiting."
"I'm sorry! I swear it won't happen again!"
"Too late."
Karma lunged forward, fury written in his eyes and mania painted on his smile. One hand wrapped itself tightly around the boy's neck, cutting off the supply of oxygen. The other drew back, back, back, and crashed against the boy's temple with enough force to send his eyes lolling back in his sockets. The high-schooler slumped to the ground, still being held up by Karma's grip on his throat. Karma relinquished his grasp, kicking the unconscious dead-weight away from him and onto the dirty concrete.
The violent surge of adrenaline had begun to fade. His fists itched to continue the fight, to find another opponent to work his frustrations out on, but he knew he couldn't. The dull ache in his face had morphed into a savage throb that refused to be ignored. Trickles of blood stung at his eyes, his ears rang, and his left eye had begun to swell shut. The harsh stabs of pain in his head hinted at a concussion, and the shaking of his legs added to the theory.
You really did it this time, the voice mocked. Just can't stand to look anything like him, can you? You're gonna kill yourself someday if you keep fighting like that. Stupid boy, no amount of bruises will hide the truth!
Shut up.
"Karma?"
Oh, right. I have company.
He managed to turn back to the group despite his trembling knees, offering a small smile he suspected looked more grotesque than reassuring. "Sorry about that. You okay?"
Nagisa looked at him in disbelief. "I think we should be asking you that."
"Fine, fine!" he managed through gritted teeth. "Let's go." Karma meant to step forward, but his leg muscles had other ideas. His knees buckled, and he barely managed to catch himself against the alley wall before he collapsed next to his unconscious victims. His head protested the jolt of movement with a sharp, intense jab of pain that made nausea bubble violently inside his gut. Dammit, he hissed at himself. Why do you have to be so weak?
Sugino appeared next to him. "You are so not okay."
"I just need a minute," Karma mumbled. He forced air in and out of his lungs, trying desperately to calm the raging pain inside his head and quell the nausea.
A hand appeared in Karma's line of sight. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
He shot an incredulous look at Sugino, saw the other appeared completely serious, and sighed. "Two."
The hand disappeared. "Good. But you're still not gonna be able to walk home alone."
"I said I'm fine."
"Now is not the time for your macho crap. Just . . . put your arm around my shoulder and try not to be too difficult, all right?"
"Whatever."
Karma didn't know for sure, but he imagined Sugino rolled his eyes at that.
Sugino, despite his annoyed words, wrapped Karma's arm around his shoulder with unexpected gentleness. He stood slowly, dragging Karma up with him. Karma stomach lurched at the movement, but thankfully nothing embarrassing happened. Please don't puke on him, Karma begged his stomach. Please don't.
"Karma, you take the same train as me, right?" Nagisa questioned.
"Yeah."
"Okay! I can help you with Karma. Did you want to go home?" Nagisa directed the last question to Kayano, who had remained silent throughout the ordeal.
"Oh, no!" Kayano sounded affronted at the suggestion. "I'm coming, too. I want to make sure this idiot doesn't do anything stupid."
If Karma had full control over his faculties, the remark might have offended him. As it was, he just felt extremely annoyed.
"You guys are over exaggerating," grumbled Karma. "I'm just a little dizzy."
"Just a little dizzy, he says," Sugino mimicked, shifting to take on more of Karma's weight as they began to slowly walk out of the alley and towards the station. "You're unbelievable."
"You do look pretty bad, Karma." piped Nagisa
"Yeah, your face is all gross and bleeding!" added Kayano, unnecessarily.
"I don't think I deserve this right now."
"You deserve to have some sense pounded into that thick skull of yours," Sugino said. "What were you thinking? I don't care how tough or manly you are - you don't go picking fights with guys that big! They're twice your size!"
"They are not. Besides, they picked a fight with me."
"Maybe not height-wise, but dude, you're skinny."
"Shut up."
"And don't pull that they picked a fight with me crap, either! You're the one who asked for a rematch or whatever."
"Shut up."
Kayano and Nagisa snickered, Sugino huffed, and Karma fought against the pain in his head and the urge to smile.
Is this how friends work?
Karma's legs had decided to cooperate again by the time they reached Karma's house. The nausea had faded too, leaving only an uneasy feeling in his stomach for the most part. Sugino - reluctantly - let him walk unaided, but Karma noticed he walked closely behind him. I'm not gonna fall, Karma grumbled to himself. You guys are worrying too much.
Some small, distant part of him secretly liked the attention, but Karma squashed it mercilessly beneath his heel.
"Well," he said, when they stood before Karma's house. "Thanks for the help, but-"
"Nope," interrupted Kayano. "I'm-" she glared at Nagisa and Sugino- "We're not leaving until your parents get home."
You'll be waiting quite a while then, the voice said snidely. They only left two days ago. Usually they're gone for at least a week.
Karma ignored it.
He plastered an easygoing grin on his face. "Ah, they're on a business trip."
The three of them exchanged looks, and Karma tried not to feel too annoyed.
"It's just you?" Sugino questioned.
"Yup!" chirped Karma, eyes bright, smile cheerful, and heart twisted into knots.
Kayano sighed. "C'mon, I want to make sure you get to your room okay."
Karma scoffed, but the pointed look she gave him silenced any complaints he might have given.
She doesn't even know she's older than me, but she's still bossing me around. What a pain.
The three of them followed him through his house and upstairs to his room, where he opened to door in a dramatic flourish.
"Ta da!" he said, gesturing widely with his arm, ignoring the spike of pain it sent through his skull. He made his way towards his bed, sitting down gingerly so as not to agitate his head any further. The others followed him inside, standing awkwardly around the room.
Karma would never admit it aloud, but a small part of him felt nervous. I've never had anybody besides okaa-san and my stepfather inside here. What do I say? Do I tell them to leave now? Do I offer food? Drinks? Do I make small talk? How do people do this all the time? It's exhausting!
Apparently, Kayano knew how to handle the situation better than he did.
"Karma, do you have a first aid kit?"
He blinked. "Yeah, in the bathroom. Check behind the mirror."
"Thanks!" She disappeared into the bathroom, and he heard the clutter of objects being shifted around before she reappeared. Kayano tossed a wet washcloth that she must have found by his sink at him, and it landed with a plop! on his lap.
"Wash the blood off your face," she commanded.
Karma blinked again, but complied.
Things carried on like that. She ordered him to do something - wash his face, apply that ointment there, put a bandage here - and he did so. When he'd been doctored to her satisfaction, she stood back and looked very pleased with herself.
"Well," Kayano said, "As long as you don't do anything tremendously stupid, you should be fine. I think you only have a mild concussion, but you should probably stay home from school tomorrow."
He opened his mouth to protest, but she silenced him with a vicious glare. Karma's mouth clicked shut.
"Someone will bring your schoolwork tomorrow, okay? Just take it easy for a while."
"Yeah, whatever," he grumbled out.
She grinned at him, completely unaffected, and moved to leave. Nagisa and Sugino followed, both wishing him luck on his recovery.
"Kayano!" he called, before she could fully exit the room.
She turned, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
Karma fiddled with his hands, but met her eyes resolutely. "Thanks," he said. Glancing at Nagisa and Sugino, he amended his statement. "All of you. I, uh." A dark flush crept into his complexion, dying his cheeks the color of his hair. "I really appreciate it. Sorry for the trouble."
Weak, weak, weak! the voice chanted.
"No problem!"
"It's cool."
"You're welcome!"
Karma smiled, they waved, and then he was alone.
Hours later, when he stared sleeplessly at the ceiling, he pondered the day's events in his head. They didn't have to walk home with me. They didn't have to stay for the fight. They didn't have to help me home. They didn't have to make sure I was okay. So why did they? I can't see how that benefited them. My trust isn't worth that kind of inconvenience, so why did they go through all that trouble just to help me?
Karma hummed softly to himself.
They really are weird.