C'mon, stupid, Karma told himself, pencil tapping anxiously against his practice worksheet. You can do better than that.
A loud noise interrupted his concentration. Karma leaned back in his desk chair with a sigh, lazily blowing his bangs out of his eyes. His cellphone blared his ringtone from its position on his bed, and he rolled his eyes at the obnoxious sound. He debated letting it go straight to voicemail, but a stupid, naive, hopefully irritating corner of his brain begged him to answer. It could be her, it whispered. What if she wants to talk to you? What if she wants to ask about midterms, or your new class, or even just her trip?
Unlikely, Karma thought, but he stood and moved to answer the phone anyway.
He checked the Caller ID before accepting the call and felt no surprise whatsoever when it read as stepdad. Lips tugged downwards into a bitter frown, he answered the phone.
"Yeah?" he sighed, sitting gingerly on his bed. Over a week had passed since his fight/revenge/injury/humiliation, and while his stomach no longer churned with every movement, his head still ached something fierce whenever he jarred it excessively. The last thing he needed during midterms was a pounding headache, and Karma had been doing everything within his power to avoid one.
"Karma!" came the bright voice of Mr. Akabane, the loud sound startling a flinch from Karma. "How have you been?"
He stared incredulously at his bedroom wall. Angry, he wanted to say. Confused. Hurt. Frustrated. Lonely. Bored. Tired. Sore. Annoyed. Stressed. Anxious.
"Fine," he said.
"That's good! How are your studies coming along?"
"Great," he replied tonelessly. "Highest marks in my class."
"Wonderful! You're not letting your suspension get to you, are you? I know it must be rough in that kind of environment, but keep your grades up and you'll be back to Class A in no time!"
"I'm fine," he repeated. "It really doesn't bother me."
"Well, as long as you're sure."
"How's your trip?" asked Karma, anxious to change the subject.
Mr. Akabane complied. "Amazing! I swear, India gets more beautiful every time we come here. You should join us some time, Karma! We could take a family vacation over the summer or something."
I doubt it.
"That's cool. Are you still planning on coming back this weekend?"
"Ah, about that . . ." His stepfather sounded nervous, and Karma braced himself for whatever came next. "I don't think we'll make it back then. Your mom was talking about going to see Niagara Falls during its peak season. We're thinking that we'll stay there for a few weeks, so we probably won't be home until mid-June or so."
Karma glanced at the calendar hung on his wall. Last week of May now, he mused. They haven't been here since the first week of May, and even then only for a few days. Mid-June means about three weeks - three weeks of oppressive silence, packaged ramen, and fists pounded into walls. How terribly exciting.
"Only if you're okay with that, of course!" Mr. Akabane said hurriedly, as if Karma might be offended by the casual disregard of his feelings.
Like I'm not used to that.
Karma's mouth tasted sour, and he struggled to speak around the lead weight of his tongue. "Sounds cool," he managed. "Send me a postcard or something."
"Definitely!" Mr. Akabane said, relieved. "How did midterms go?"
"They haven't started yet," came the bland response. "First day is tomorrow."
"Right. Well, good luck!"
"Thanks."
"Oh, your moms needs me. I have to go, Karma."
"Okay."
"I'll send money soon - and that postcard! Don't study too hard. Remember to take breaks and relax."
"Sure."
"Bye, Karma!"
"See you."
Click.
Tossing his cellphone aside angrily, Karma returned to his desk and practice worksheet, brow furrowed in frustration at his stepfather's words. Don't study too hard, he scoffed. What kind of advice is that? Does he want me to fail?
Karma's jaw clenched. I won't fail. I won't. I'm going to beat Gakushuu and prove I'm worthy.
Funny, the voice snickered inside his head. Who are you trying to convince here - you or me? Lost your confidence, hm?
Shut up.
Karma closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose - one, two, three - then let the air out in a puff from his mouth. He picked his pencil back up, turning back to his worksheet, face blank and eye cold. This time, he repeated to himself, this time I'll beat him for sure.
He wished it sounded more convincing.
Karma strolled into the main campus classroom, chin tilted up in feigned arrogance and a lazy smirk plastered on his face. His classmates around him oozed anxiety, and inwardly he scoffed. Idiots, he wanted to say. Don't show an ounce of fear. These guys will gobble you up without hesitation if you act like a pack of scared rabbits. It doesn't matter if it's fake - at least pretend you're confident. It's not like anybody will see through it.
Karma moved towards the back, shooting a vicious glare at Ono-Sensei as he passed. The older man squirmed at the manic gleam Karma knew lit his eyes, and a petty sense of satisfaction rushed through him at the man's visible discomfort.
See? he wanted to crow. These people are nothing. They're not better than us; he's not better than me.
So Karma sat in a vacant desk, grinned mockingly at Ono-Sensei, and waited for exams to begin.
100 in Math, 100 in Science, 99 in Social Studies, 99 in English, and 99 in Japanese - what a joke! How are you going to compete against Gakushuu with this pathetic attempt?
Trembling fingers buried themselves harshly into scarlet locks, nails digging painfully into Karma's scalp. The voice in his head urged him to rip the hair out - don't look like him at all, don't leave any reminders of him, tear them out tear them out tear them out - but he ignored it. He couldn't focus on his loathing towards his appearance right then; he only cared about his loathing towards his stupid, pathetic, humiliating scores.
Two points! he screamed at himself, collapsing to the ground with his back against a tree in the forest. Two freaking points! What happened to all my ties? What happened to all my preparations? Why isn't it ever enough?! Am I just too stupid to remember anything?! Korosensei is the best teacher I've ever had, and I can't even tie with Gakushuu? He taught me so much, but I must be too incompetent to get anything right! What is wrong with me?
Tears stung in his eyes as he gritted his teeth angrily. He pushed further into the tree trunk, reveling in the pain the rough bark caused as it dug into his back and left bruises. She'll never love me like this! He'll never see me like this! What would otou-san say to me right now? Pathetic weakling, useless imbecile, worthless son? Ha! I'm probably not even worth the effort of an insult! Would he just look down on me with those cold, disappointed eyes? Well, disappointment implies expectations, and I know he never had any for me. Maybe I have lived up to his lack of expectations, then. No results, no victories, nothing to show for myself. Was he right? Am I really just a back-up, a just-in-case, an alternate for Gakushuu? How am I supposed to prove him wrong when I can't even prove it to myself?
Pathetic failure, he hissed. That's what I am. I've had so many chances, so much time, so much incentive! I've spent every day studying, every class period cramming facts and techniques into my head. The teachers are without fault; the textbooks are blameless. That only leaves one explanation for my failures: me. I'm the weak link, the common denominator, the defective student. If even Korosensei can't turn me into a winner, then I really am hopeless. He poured so much effort into our class, and I completely failed him. Dammit, I keep failing everyone! Otou-san, Gakushuu, okaa-san, Mr. Akabane, Korosensei - the list goes on and on! Why am I so freaking useless?!
Karma's head fell back against the tree with a low thump! Tired lids hid mercury eyes from the world, but no tears fell. The voice in his head had remained suspiciously quiet during his fit, and it made no taunts now, either.
There was nothing it could say to him that he hadn't already.
Surrounded by his dejected classmates, Karma tried desperately not to scowl at his papers and show how frustrated he felt. Can't freak out again. Not in front of them.
"This is my fault," Korosensei said quietly. "It seems I took this school's system too lightly. I can't bring myself to face you."
Karma's fist clenched, nails digging crescents into his palm as he glared at Korosensei's back. You can't, huh? All that talk about possessing a second weapon, about having confidence in ourselves, about overcoming our inferiority - all that talk, and now you just give up?! You have no right! You raised our hopes; you gave us confidence. You're not allowed to give up on us just because we failed once! You have to see us - to see me. I'll never get any better if you leave. You're being weak, Korosensei. Stop being such a pushover and FIGHT BACK!
He stood, pasting a condescending grin on his face, and launched his anti-sensei knife at the teacher's bulbous head. He dodged it - of course he did - with a startled gasp, whipping around to face Karma directly.
Much better.
"You sure?" Karma drawled mockingly, making his way down the aisle of desks and towards Korosensei. "If you couldn't face us, then you wouldn't be able to see me coming to kill you."
"Karma!" Korosensei scolded, voice loud and frustrated. "Sensei is feeling very depressed right now-"
Karma interrupted his tirade by tossing his results into the air, fully confident the teacher would catch them. Not good enough to beat Gakushuu-nii, not good enough to get her to love me, not good enough to get him to see me - but it should be good enough for them.
"Even if the questions change, it makes no difference to me," Karma declared, a carefully crafted expression of determination overtaking his features as he watched in secret delight Korosensei reading over his papers in shock.
Karma heard his classmates awestruck whispers, but he ignored them. This is nothing, he wanted to insist. This is a failure. Why are you impressed with this? I'm not number one; I'm not the best. This is only a petty victory.
"Judging by my results," he continued, "It's because you taught me to such an unnecessary extent."
And because I studied my ass off, he added mentally. But they don't need to know that.
"So, what are you gonna do?" Karma challenged. "Everyone didn't make it into the top 50 spots, so are you gonna run away with your tail between your legs, like you said you would?" Karma leaned forward, smirk wide and vicious as he purred his words like poison. "When it comes down to it, aren't you just afraid of being killed?"
He leaned away, content with allowing the class to assume the reins. Karma watched in satisfaction as the students poked fun at Korosensei, running with his previous taunt of being scared. No running away, Korosensei.
We still have a lot to learn, so I won't let you be a coward.[1]
Karma chewed his lip anxiously as he shuffled down the mountain, a debate raging internally inside his head. He's an excellent teacher - the best I've ever had, actually. If anyone can help raise my scores, it's him.
Yeah? the voice sneered back. Then why are you still in second place? You were only a point behind Gakushuu in Class A - now you're two points behind! How is that progress?
He's been teaching me for less than a month. If I stay, he can help me do better next time!
Next time? the voice scoffed. It's always next time with you.
He's a super-creature! How can I not improve under him?
What about those classmates of yours?
One sharp canine punctured his lip, drawing a trickle of blood to the surface.
They keep pushing at you. If you're not careful, they'll uncover things you'd rather stay hidden. You need to go back to Class A. They'll leave you to yourself. Things were better then, weren't they? No annoying small talk, no prying classmates with uncomfortable questions - you could just hide in your corner and observe.
But . . .
Oh, don't tell me you like them! When did you go so soft, huh?
I don't! They're just . . . interesting.
You're a lonely, pathetic child! Who cares if you don't have friends? You need to go back to Class A so you can be the best!
I don't think I can be the best there!
And you think you'll be the best surrounded by freaks and losers?
I . . . I don't know.
"Akabane!" called a familiar voice, interrupting his ruminations.
Karma froze for a split second, eyes flicking around to confirm the absence of any potential spectators. When he had, the tension in his shoulders eased and he turned to grin at the newcomer standing at the foot of the mountain.
"Nii-chan," he purred. "What a surprise. Did you miss me?" he asked, eyelashes batting teasingly.
Gakushuu rolled his eyes, scowling fiercely at him. "Shut up and come here. I want to talk to you."
Karma hummed in response, slowing his trek down the path to a snail's pace. "So rude," he murmured.
He imagined steam whistling out Gakushuu's ears and had to bite back a snicker.
Even as he walked, seemingly languid and nonchalant, his mind raced. Why is he here? What does he want? Stupid question - I know exactly why he's here. It's still surprising, though. I didn't think he'd ambush me so quickly. Doesn't he care that people from school might see us? Well, I guess he could just play it off as us being former classmates. Has he seen the scores yet? Karma scoffed inwardly at himself. Of course he's seen the scores. This is Gakushuu - he probably saw them before everybody else. How should I play this? Do I tell him? Do I lie? Will he care?
He reached Gakushuu before he was even close to prepared, but he managed a carefree grin.
"Come on," his brother commanded him - like one of his minions - turning to leave without ever doubting Karma would follow.
Karma scowled fiercely at his back, but hurried after him anyway. "Where are we going?" he asked, tone chipper and bright grin reapplied.
"Somewhere private."
"Oh? Are you planning to kill me?"
"I will if you keep talking like that. It's irritating."
"You're so mean to your little brother, nii-chan. Really, you're hurting my feelings here."
"I think you'll survive," he said drily.
Karma huffed in irritation, but remained silent the rest of the walk. His brother obviously had no plans to discuss the subject until they reached whatever destination he had in mind, so Karma would simply have to wait.
Gakushuu led them to a park near Kunugigaoka - one the two boys had often frequented in their childhood. While seemingly deserted now, it had been the background for many happy memories. Seeing it void of life and dilapidated, Karma vaguely wondered if the park could be a metaphor for his family, but quickly disregarded the notion. Now isn't the time to be poetic.
Snapshots of a past life flashed before Karma's eyes and left him feeling unsteady: Gakushuu pushing him on the swings, their mother watching from the bench; pretend sword-fighting with branches; racing down the slide; digging for treasure in the sandpit. A convoluted mixture of irritation and longing gripped Karma's heart, but he made no mention of recognition or approval. If Gakushuu felt any attachment towards the old park, he refused to show it. Did you come here after? Karma wondered. Do you even remember pushing me on those swings? Going down the slide together? Falling from the monkey bars? Climbing the trees? Do you even care?
Karma set his schoolbag down, sitting carefully on a rickety swing. He kicked at the well-worn dirt beneath absentmindedly, the swing creaking alarmingly. "Well?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow. "We're in private. What did you want to talk about?"
Gakushuu chose to remain standing. Probably so he can loom over me. "You know exactly what."
Called it, Karma thought miserably. What's my prize?
"Sorry," he denied, shrugging. "I really don't."
"I saw your scores on the midterms," his brother said, straight to the point. "When will you be back in Class A?"
Karma bit into his lip anxiously, and that one action betrayed him.
"You can't be serious," Gakushuu blanched. "You're actually thinking about staying?"
Karma scowled, eyes fixed on the ground. "I might be."
"Why?"
"None of your business."
Gakushuu had begun to pace, gesturing frantically with his hands. "This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Despite your delinquent reputation, you're still a top student! You have a future, Karma, you can't afford to frolic around with the bottom feeders of Class E. What about high school? What about university? Do you really want Class E Delinquent on your record? Have you even considered the consequences of your actions? You have the potential and talent for greatness, why are you trying to waste it?"
Karma kicked at the dirt harder. "I'm not wasting anything," he mumbled, fists clenching tighter around the swing's chains.
"Of course you are! Every minute you spend around that contamination is a waste!" Gakushuu gripped his hair in frustration, and Karma tried not to flinch at the similarity between them. "I can't understand why you would even consider remaining in that class of idiots and rejects! You're not like them." Gakushuu turned to Karma, eyes pleading. "You belong with the elites - you're an Asano."
Karma stared blankly at his brother, anger steadily rising. "No, I'm not. Haven't you been paying attention? My last name is Akabane now, and I'm sure both otou-san and okaa-san want to keep it that way. And those idiots and rejects, as you so eloquently put it, are ten times better than any of your mindless worshippers."
Gakushuu's expression hardened, and his eyes turned cold. "That's it, then? You couldn't beat me, so now you're retreating to Class E with your tail between your legs? Ready to throw in the towel and concede defeat?"
"Not even," Karma snarled back. "I still plan on stealing your title, I'm just going to do it from Class E." Karma smirked, sharp and bitter. "That would really sting, wouldn't it? Your delinquent little brother, a Class E bottom feeder, knocking you from your pedestal?" He winced exaggeratedly. "Ouch."
Gakushuu glowered. "That'll never happen."
"I guess we'll see, won't we?" He stood from the swing, stretching exaggeratedly with an obnoxious sigh. "Nice chat, nii-chan. Let's do this again sometime, 'kay?" Karma retrieved his schoolbag, swinging it over his shoulder. He gave a jaunty wave over his shoulder towards Gakushuu before stuffing his hands inside his pockets, head angled down as he vacated the park.
I'm going to beat you, Gakushuu. And I'm going to do it from Class E.
I won't break this promise.
The Nosy Trio, as Karma had mentally dubbed them, caught up to him rather quickly. He'd taken approximately thirty-two steps outside the park before he heard Sugino calling his name, which he pointedly ignored. He knew irritation still clouded his brain, so he silently prayed the three of them would leave him alone. He didn't particularly want to bite their heads off when they were only being kind. He'd rather avoid that kind of guilt, thank you.
No such luck.
"Hey, Karma!" Sugino said, swinging an arm around Karma's shoulder. "What's the deal? Someone said they saw you walk off with some main campus student."
Karma fixed him with a deadly glare as he wordlessly removed Sugino's arm from his shoulder. When he had, he stepped further away, increasing the distance between them. "Just a former classmate," he said icily. "He wanted to let me know how much of an idiot he thinks I am."
They must have sensed his foul mood, because they hurriedly changed the subject to outrageous assassination plans. Occasionally, Nagisa tried to draw Karma into the conversation by mentioning embarrassing secrets about Korosensei, but he eventually ceased when Karma responded only with monosyllables.
Finally, Kayano brought up what they must have been itching to ask the entire day. "So, Karma. You scored in the top fifty. Are you going back to the main campus?"
"No," he said.
They dropped it.