In honor of N7 Day, I willingly decided to make the horrible mistake that is this chapter. I am sorry.

Chapter 2: Bride of Marrk Shepard

Marrk walked away from the intercom looking proud of himself.

"Well, Garrus? What did you think of my speech?"

"You basically hated on aliens for two and a half hours."

"What are you talking about? I didn't even mention Mexicans."

"Space aliens."

"I didn't mention Space Mexicans either."

"I mean Turians, Quarians, and Krogans. You know, the aliens in your crew."

"What are you talking about? Humanity is in this alone."

Garrus stared at him.

"But I'm on this ship. Wrex is on this ship. Tali is on this ship."

"Garrus! Don't call yourself an alien just because you have a terrible case of eczema! The same goes for Wrex and his elephantitis! Tali and her BDSM fetish, too!"

Garrus broke a little bit. He found the next words he spoke difficult to get out, but he managed.

"How does someone like you get up in the morning? Is all your brain power just focusing on existing? I… I can't even. No, I'm done. I'm sorry," Garrus shook his head. Garrus turned to head for the airlock, but was stopped when Marrk smacked him in the back of the neck, paralyzing Garrus for what would be a few hours, and making him collapse to the floor. Marrk knelt down and clutched Garrus' head to his chest.

"Garebear! No… you were the best of us! I loved you!"

"Ehm… not… dead…" Garrus grunted out. Marrk squeezed him harder, making Garrus cry out in pain.

"I'll avenge you, I swear!"

"Still… not… dead…" Garrus pleaded before he passed out from asphyxiation.

"GARRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- alright, what's next?" Marrk began to scream before he dropped Garrus onto the ground. Chakwas walked in.

"Oh my word, what did you do to Garrus?" she exclaimed.

"Me? Nothing. Jenkins strangled him to death and then tied himself to the bumper of the Normandy."

"Again?"

"I tried stopping him, but he was just… too strong."

"How terrible. Well, I'll take care of Garrus."

"Do you hear that Garrus? You're gonna be okay! Heaven Canceller is here now!"

"Heaven who?" Chakwas implored.

"I get it!" Tali shouted from halfway across the ship.

"Well, the only thing to do now is call everyone to the situation room."

"You mean… the conference room?"

"I've heard it both ways."

"From who?"

"Myself mostly."

"...wha-"

Marrk ran over to the intercom and screamed, "TO THE SITUATION ROOM!" into it. It would be several hours before the crew would be able to decipher what this cryptic message meant, and afterwards, only Wrex, Tali, Kaidan, Ashley, and Garrus, who now was in a full body cast and was carted in on a dolly, Hannibal Lecter style, decided to show up. What they found when they entered was Marrk sitting in one of the chairs with a laptop open. He appeared to be browsing something. Once everyone took their seats, Marrk began.

"Now, I'm not certain why it took you all several hours to get here, but I am certain that it was all Ashley's fault," Marrk began.

"What the f-"

"Hold all questions until the end of the inspirational speech, please. You see, I have been searching for a queen to rule this fair kingdom beside me, and I have finally found one."

Tali perked up.

"It will be this woman, named Liara T'Soni," Marrk explained, spinning the laptop around to show Liara's dating profile on OKCupid. Tali slumped over again. Due to the screen of his laptop being really small, everyone had to crowd in, which gave Tali the ability to grab the computer and accidentally throw it out the airlock.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a clutz!" Tali apologized in the most innocent voice she could muster.

"Don't worry Tali, I won't blame you for Ashley's mistakes. Plus, I have a backup laptop that's already been conveniently directed to the exact same page," Marrk replied, pulling out the aforementioned laptop.

"Now then, her current status is: Trapped in Prothean Trap on Therum. So, our next stop is Therum! Who wants to join me in my crusade?"

Ashley stepped forward and began to speak, but Marrk punched her in the face, knocking her out.

"Who wants to join me in my crusade?" No one moved except Tali, who eagerly raised her hand. Marrk looked around.

"Anyone?"

Tali started hopping up and down.

"Anyone at all?"

Tali moved right in front of Marrk and began waving her hand right in front of his face. Marrk pushed past her and went to Wrex.

"Wrex?"

"Shepard."

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Marrk put on his puppydog eyes that never worked. He leaned in very close and used the highest pitched voice he could use.

"Wrex?"

"Fine, I'll go."

"Yes! Now, who else wants to go?" Marrk asked as he turned toward the rest of the group. Most of them had left during the great Wrex/Shepard match of 2183, but Tali remained due to her undying love for Marrk, and Garrus remained because he could not wheel himself out.

"Garrus! Perfect combination!"

"NOTICE ME SENPAI!" Tali screamed at him. Marrk looked at Tali in surprise. He then turned to Garrus.

"Man, I feel bad for whoever this Senpai guy is."

Tali threw a mini-tantrum and pushed Garrus over, making him feel excruciating pain as his exo-skeleton broke in many, many places.

On the planet Therum, a small group of Geth was huddled together looking at a strange glowing object in the sky.

"It's probably the sun," Geth-1 predicted.

"But it's night," Geth-2 countered.

"How can you tell it's night?"

"How can you tell it's not?"

"Well, I see the sun."

"But I see the moon."

"No, that's just a ship coming towards us."

"Oh. Well then, what's that glowing thing?"

"I dunno."

There was an awkward silence before Geth-3 spoke up.

"Wait, wha-"

The Normandy crashed into all three of the Geth, skidding to a stop just before it broke into the Prothean Ruins. And from the Normandy rose a single man… child. And his name was Marrk Shepard.

"Crap. We've hit Space Mexico," Marrk grumbled as he stumbled out into the barren wasteland. Soon, Wrex followed him out, wheeling Garrus on his dolly.

"Dammit Shepard, why were you trying to shoot Joker?"

"Joker? Oh, I thought you said his name was Jenkins."

"How the hell did you mistake Joker for Jenkins?"

"Well they're very similar."

"No they're not!"

"They're basically spelled the same way."

"They both start with "J", and that's it!"

"Oh come on, Garrus, think about how you spell Jenkins. J-O-K-E-R."

"I knew you were insane, I didn't think you were illiterate."

"That's racist! You know my grandpapi was Full-Blooded Illiterate! An FBI!"

"Says the guy who said this was Space Mexico."

"Garrus, I know you've never been to Mexico, but it looks basically the same, lava and all. The only difference is that there are a lot more jobs here."

"Alright, bored now," Wrex interrupted, running over to the lava nearby, encasing his fist in the lava and launching himself at the entrance of the ruins.

"Shoryuken!" Wrex bellowed as he threw an uppercut that blew the door off it's hinges.

"Atta boy, Wrex! We'll find my waifu in no time! Into the big scary hole, everyone!"

Wrex pulled Garrus into the hole, against his pleads. Marrk lead the way, charging down there as if he weren't about to run into a large group of Geth.

"I dunno what I been told! Evangelion had a terrible ending!" Marrk sang to the beat of the "I Don't Know but I've Been Told". All the Geth stared at Marrk as he passed through their seemingly endless numbers. They did not seem to perceive him as a threat. However, once Wrex came through the doorway with Garrus in tow, they open fired faster than it takes for Jenkins to die. Wrex instantly pulled Garrus in front of him and started using him as cover.

"Why are you using me as a shield?"

"Let me answer your question with a question - do you really want to interact with Marrk anymore?" Wrex replied. Garrus thought for a moment. He then tried his best to move his head into the line of fire. Soon, the Geth were all destroyed.

"Goddammit..." Garrus cursed, bullet-wound free. Wrex began to push Garrus through the halls of dead Geth. No doubt Marrk's handiwork.

"Why the hell did I even have to go on this mission? In fact, why don't we have more than two of us on these missions at any one time?" Garrus complained.

"Because fuck you."

"That's your answer for everything."

"No, my answer for everything is shooting it. I didn't shoot you because I don't want to put you out of your misery yet."

"You're a sick man!"

Wrex gained a little smile.

"I know," he stated proudly.

They soon entered the room that was labeled "Prothean Trap Room". Behind a blue wall, there was a blue ball, and inside the blue ball was a blue woman, and staring at the blue woman was, but of course, the Blue Man Group. They played "Lonely Whisper" as Marrk entered and saw Liara.

"Worry not, my queen! I've come to save thee!" Shepard shouted. He then broke through both the blue wall and blue ball and then grabbed Liara and entered an intense make out session that, were it not all in Marrk's head, would've been amazing.

Unfortunately, what actually happened was Marrk ran head first into the wall, gave himself a concussion, fell on his ass and then proceeded to try and make out with the forcefield. Upon realizing that he had not broken through the blue wall, he stopped making out with it.

"Don't worry! I've got this!" he shouted once more, running into it again and again for the next five minutes.

"I didn't want to do this, but… I have no choice… Baji Quan!" Marrk shouted, punching the forcefield and breaking every single bone in his hand.

"Ow! That hurt! Alright, you are a worthy opponent. Worthy of my double Baji Quan!" Marrk announced, throwing both his fists into the blue wall, which resulted in him breaking both his arms and dislocating them.

Liara sighed as Marrk then proceeded to throw his limp arms into the blue wall over and over again. Slowly, the Blue Man Group changed their song to the "Andy Griffith Theme" and Marrk slowly began crying as he flailed in tune against the blue wall.

This was the scene that Garrus and Wrex entered into. They stared at the monstrosity of a scene for a few moments.

"Shepard, it's not working," Garrus announced.

"You're not working!" Marrk shouted back.

"No I'm not, mostly because you STRAPPED ME TO THIS DOLLY LIKE HANNIBAL FUCKING LECTER!"

Marrk stopped crying and asked, "Can you cook like him, too?"

Garrus processed his question for a moment.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Garrus asked. Marrk shrugged.

"I dunno, I'm hungry," he admitted.

"Listen, your 'act like a three-year-old' strategy isn't working."

"Oh, really? You think this is my 'act like a three-year-old' strategy? Could a three-year-old do… this!?" Marrk declared, turning and headbutting the blue forcefield.

"Ow! Aw… my arms are broken so I can't rub my foreheeeaaaad… Garrus, could-"

"I am not rubbing your forehead for you! And incidentally, yes, a three-year-old could do that."

"Man, kids just keep getting smarter and smarter. Soon, they'll be able to say my name by the age of three!"

"Marrk, you're an idiot."

"Oh yeah? If I'm an idiot, what does that make you?"

"A normal fucking person."

"THAT IS AN ENTIRELY TRUE STATEMENT!"

"Okay, lady, maybe you can hurry this along. How can we disable the forcefield?" Wrex asked. Liara attempted to say something, but apparently no sound was capable of passing the blue wall.

"Great. Not even sound can penetrate it."

Marrk pulled out a gun and shot it.

"Marrk! What if that broke it and the bullet hit Liara!" Garrus shouted.

"Garrus, if my Baji Quan couldn't pierce this shield, do you really think regular bullets could? No, the only thing that can pierce this thing is... "

Marrk looked as if he had an epiphany.

"Wrex! Gae Bolg Initiative!"

"Understood!" Wrex shouted, jumping into the air and doing a somersault. Marrk jumped into his arms and straightened out as Wrex aimed him like a javelin and threw him straight at the blue wall with maximum force.

Marrk broke the sound barrier as he hit the wall and managed to enter it - half way. He was now stuck inside the wall with his legs on Wrex and Garrus' side and his torso and head on Liara's side.

Marrk looked down and, seeing his current situation, decided to make the most of it.

"So… you come here often?" he asked Liara.

"Who the hell are you?" Liara asked, completely bewildered.

"Fuck you, I'm Marrk Shepard."

"That's… very rude," Liara noted.

"No no no, you don't understand. Fuck you, I'm Marrk Shepard."

"Yeah, that's very rude."

"No I mean I am going to sexually penetrate you, I'm Marrk Shepard."

"No, I got that, it's still very very gross and rude."

"You won't know until you try."

Just then, Wrex broke through the wall next to Liara with Garrus.

"Sorry, Shepard, still a little rusty."

"No worries, it gave me time to Mass Effect Romance my lady here," Marrk replied.

"I am so sorry," Garrus apologized to Liara as Wrex freed her from the blue ball. With a mighty pull, Wrex got Marrk out of the blue wall.

"So… how do you get out of here?" Wrex asked.

"There's a giant elevator right behind us."

"Hm. Convenient," Wrex commented. Once they entered the elevator, and made it rise to the top, another Krogan burst into the room through a wall.

"Hey! That's my thing!" Wrex shouted. The Battlemaster looked at them.

"Surrender. Or don't. That would be more fun."

"Oh, fuck you!" Wrex shouted.

"Wrex! Watch your fucking language! There is a fucking woman in our presence I am going to fuck later! What the fuck is wrong with you, you fuck?" Marrk shouted.

Wrex turned and stared at him.

"Wow."

"I'm sorry, Wrex, I'm just really angry. I guess I'll just take it all out on this guy!" Marrk announced, stepping up to fight the Battlemaster.

"You? Both your arms are broken!" the Battlemaster mocked. Marrk rushed forward.

"Super Baji Quan! Linguini Style!" Marrk shouted, throwing his limp noodle arms at the Krogan and lightly slapping the Battlemaster in the face over and over again.

"Ow. Ow. Stop that. Stop it now! Stop, just stop- stoppit- stop- STOP- FINE! Just go already," the Battlemaster grumbled, stepping aside and letting them pass.

"That… actually worked?" Liara asked.

"Super Baji Quan. Never fails," Marrk said, very proud of himself.

They then walked out of the planet and flew the Normandy out into space. And then the planet blew up - Metroid style.

"Well, that was easy," Marrk decided, brushing his hands together. Then, a Staples logo appeared over his face, which angered Marrk, so he ate it.

Once Liara had settled in her quarters, Marrk entered, wearing a leopard-print bathrobe, holding two Martinis and leaning against the doorway.

"Please Marrk, I almost died a few hours ago. Is this really the time?"

"Well, we did just get married," Marrk replied.

"No, Marrk, we did not."

"O rly?" Marrk asked confidently, throwing his Martinis behind him, breaking them on Chakwas, and pulling out a document that declared that they were officially married.

"What? Where did you get that?"

"My pocket. Did you not just see me pull it out?"

"No, but… who officialized it?"

"I dunno, some dude named Conrad Verner. I think he was Space Russian."

"I can't help but feel that you're breaking nearly every social norm when it comes to Marriage. Besides, the Asari don't have marriage contracts."

"You're an Asteroid?"

"I'm an Asari."

"Oh, no need to apologize."

"No, Marrk… A-S-A-R-I. I'm an Asari."

"Is that a religion or a food?"

"It's a race."

"Oh, so you're jewish. Why didn't you say so?"

Liara stared. "I'm leaving."

"Right you are! We're going on a honeymoon!"

"Oh dear goddess…" Liara murmured, face-palming.

"And not just anywhere! We're going to the most tropical paradise there is! Noveria!"

Liara looked up. "The crime-infested planet?"

"I heard it was Space Las Vegas. But in Space."

"Isn't that what the 'Space' part of Space Las Vegas implies?"

"Nah, Space Las Vegas was actually the name of the first outer space theme park ever made by Humans. Unfortunately, it was destroyed the first day because some idiot opened an emergency exit... In a wall. No idea who. But I've dedicated the rest of my non-Space Whale hunting time to tracking down that… that… illusive man."

"...Right."

"It was actually the left wall."

"What?"

"I mean, I wasn't there! Illusive man! Onward to Noveria! For the Honeymooooooooooo-" Marrk started, running off somewhere into the ship.

Garrus poked his head into the room. "You want me to help you kill him in his sleep?"

"N-... no, that's fine. I don't think he's really hurting anyone…"

"Remind me to introduce you to Jenkins sometime."

The second the ship door opened, Marrk sprung out in his speedo, holding a folded lounge chair and a tanning mirror. "-oooooooooooooon!" He did a flip and landed in the snow, sinking below into it's cold depths. Liara peered out in her armor.

Marrk resurfaced, spitting out a mouthful of snow.

"Jump in! The water's fine!"

"Marrk, this doesn't look like it's tropical… at all."

Marrk looked around. "Now that you mention it, it doesn't look like the brochure…" Marrk said, bringing up a brochure for Space Mexico with 'Noveria' written over the title in crayon.

"I hope you didn't pay a lot to get in here…."

Marrk looked up. "Pay?"

They suddenly became aware that they were both surrounded by guards. "Alright you damn freeloaders! Get off our planet!"

"Now now, I know this looks bad…" Marrk began to speak, raising up out of the snow. He reached into his speedo and pulled out a gun, pulling the trigger until all the guards were dead.

"Heh heh… looks like we're getting in for free."

"Actually, Marrk, they've got a warship headed our way now."

"Wow, this hotel planet is high budget! The last hotel planet I stayed at couldn't even afford housing!"

"Marrk, that was Hotel Pluto. It's not even a planet."

"You're not even a planet."

"Stop not making sense."

"Make me."

"Fine, stay out here and die to the giant warship," Liara sighed, returning to the inside of the ship.

"What're you talking about? I'm gonna work on my tan!" Marrk announced proudly, getting his lounge chair unfolded and resting in it.

What followed was a ship battle between the Noverian Warship and the Normandy that lasted for a total of half an hour, and was a showcase of how skilled the two combatting pilots and strategists were. But all you need to know is that the bombs dropped by the Noverian Warship all miraculously missed Marrk, but exploded near enough to actually give him the tan of his dreams.

The Normandy stopped at the nearby Port Hanshan in order to refuel, but they got stopped by the Noverian Security. Security claimed that the ship had been reported as a pirating vessel due to its battle with the Noverian Warship out in international airspace. The fact that Marrk had strung up a Skull and Crossbones as a flag hadn't helped the matter.

The issue was resolved logically, reasonably, and without violence- oh god, here comes Marrk.

"DON'T WORRY GUYS, I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THESE MEXICANS!" Marrk shouted triumphantly, throwing his harpoon into the Chief's face.

"Quick, shoot him!" Garrus ordered.

"Don't worry, Garebear! With my new tan, I'M INVINCIBLE!" Marrk declared, charging off into the station, pistol aloft humming and shooting to the beat of "A Pirate's Life for Me".

Garrus and Liara followed after him. They found him, ironically, in a Mexican Standoff between himself, a Hanar smuggler, and a regular underpaid intern veteran security guard that was just fresh out of the academy and three days from retirement who had married his highschool sweetheart not a week earlier and on his way to having a child. Basically, the ultimate recipe for a dead man. He tripped and died.

"So now it's just you and me, Jellyfish Guy."

"This one goads you into singular combat."

"Choose your weapon."

"Pool cues."

"I don't have one of those. Can I use a harpoon instead?"

"Break the harpoon in half. We each take a side."

"Done."

Garrus and Liara just stared. Too idiots locked in mortal combat was not a sight you saw every day. Off in the distance, they heard footsteps and someone humming a theme. It was punchy, and familiar. Just then, Wrex jumped into the scene and screamed, "MORTAL KOMBAT!" He seized the hanar in one hand and Marrk in the other, slamming them together. They were both knocked out and fell. "Wrex wins. Fatality."

"What the hell is going on here?" Administrator Anoleis asked, entering the strange scene.

"Administrator, this man is insane and killed several of your security offic-"

"It was the MEXICAN!" Marrk shouted, standing up. Garrus looked at him.

"Weren't you just knocked out?"

"Nope."

"I'm sorry, just what the hell is all this!?" Anoleis interrupted.

Marrk pulled out his gun and shot at Anoleis. The bullet went straight through the hole formed by his horns, leaving Anoleis unscathed.

"My god… he's immortal!" Marrk gasped, pulling the trigger and killing several people behind Anoleis.

"Shepard! Stop trying to kill Anoleis!" Liara interrupted.

"It's fine, baby-sweety-cake-pie-turkey, I'm a Spectre."

He shot. Anoleis stood.

"I'm a Spectre."

He shot again. Anoleis still stood.

"I'M A SPECTRRRRRRRREEEE!" Marrk began wailing, pulling the trigger until his gun overheated and blew up.

"Guards, arrest these idiots."

Garrus turned to Anoleis. "Wait wait wait! We're not with him!"

"LIARA, MY WIFE! GARRUS, MY HUSBAND! I'M SO GLAD YOU BOTH JOINED ME ON THIS MISSION WE ALL ARE TOGETHER ONnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" Marrk was crying, tears streaming down his face.

"Shepard. We're not married," Garrus growled.

"O rly?" Marrk stopped crying, pulling out a document that declared that they were officially married.

"What? Where did you get that?"

"My speedo. I stored it right next to my peeeeeeeeeeistol."

"I would say 'well played', Marrk, but there's a spelling error on that."

Marrk held it out in front of him. "What? I don't see it!"

Garrus shot it with his assault rifle until it was nothing.

Marrk looked at it. "Oh, now I see it."

"I can't help but notice we're not getting arrested," Liara said, turning to Anoleis.

"Thank you, heroes! You uncovered the infamous Hanar Terrorist Zymandis! You've saved Noveria!"

Marrk shot him in the head. "Got him!"

They were then arrested.

Garrus, Liara and Marrk were all in a cell together. Marrk was playing "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" on his harmonica that he had stored in his speedo.

"Well, Marrk, congratulations. Now, we'll never stop Saren."

"Who?"

"Evangelion man."

"Who?"

"The evil guy who controls the Evas."

"Who?"

"Tommy Wiseau?"

"Who?"

Garrus stared at him. "Go fuck yourself, Marrk."

"Who?"

Garrus sighed and turned over, going to sleep.

He awoke to Marrk continuing his imitation of an owl… outside of the cell.

Garrus shot up. "What the hell? Marrk, how did you get over there!?"

Marrk turned around and looked down, seeing that he was, in fact, outside of the cell. He looked up at Garrus.

"Oh, THAT Saren."

"God dammit, Marrk…"

"Quickly, Shepard! Get the keys and get us out of here!"

Shepard began looking around, but a guard walked in.

"Oh no! Shepard, run!"

The guard looked at Liara and then looked at Marrk.

"What are you prisoners talking about?"

Liara and Garrus stared at him. "Uh… the escaping prisoner over there?" Liara explained.

The guard looked at Marrk. "What are you talking about? That's just a Noverian owl."

Liara and Garrus just stared as Marrk then slowly creeped over to the guard, who was none the wiser as Marrk disarmed him, removed all his armor, stole his wallet and his keys, bought himself lunch, and then ate it while sitting in front of the guard.

Suddenly, the guard looked down at himself. "What the hell? Where did my keys go?"

Marrk held them out for the guard.

"Ah, thank you, friendly Noverian owl. You've saved my job."

The guard went back to standing there, just staring straight ahead. Liara and Garrus just looked on in sheer, unadulterated confusion.

Once Marrk had finished his meal, he moved to stand right behind the guard and then calmly killed the guard. Then Marrk put on the guard's armor and retrieved the keys a second time, walking over and releasing Liara and Garrus.

"How the hell…?"

"It's a gift."

Liara stepped out of the cell, and, realizing that Garrus had not followed her, turned back to see Garrus closing the door on himself, trapping himself inside.

"Garrus?"

"Leave me, for the love of god, just leave me."

Marrk walked up to the cell with the dead guard on his back. "But Garebear! We can't leave you! I know you've forgotten what it's like to live on the outside, but that's no excuse for you to discard all the responsibility that has been imparted to you by Jesus Christ our lord and savi-"

Garrus broke out of the cell. "OK FINE, JUST STOP ALREADY!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Marrk celebrated, clapping his hands like a monkey with cymbals.

"Lets just get out of here, please?"

"But Liara and I haven't even checked into our hotel yet."

"Well then check in so you can check out, and we can get out of here faster."

"Sounds good to me!" Marrk declared proudly, marching down the hallways, holding the dead body in one hand and his gun in the other.

Some guards saw him walking down the hallways and came to stop him, holding their guns out and ordering that he hold up his hands.

"No no, it's okay, I'm a Spectre."

"Oh, alright then," they all said, putting their guns away. Marrk shot them all as he passed by.

"Thank you for your service!" one of them shouted as he died.

Marrk eventually lead them to a car in the garage. "Alright, it's only a short drive away."

Liara and Garrus got into the car. "Uh… how far is it exactly?"

"Not far," Marrk explained, getting into the driver's seat, "by the way, do either of you know how to drive this thing?"

The car then exploded. Marrk didn't even touch anything, it just blew up.

After finding a new car, and forcibly strapping an unwilling Garrus and Liara inside of it, they took off down the snowy crevices of the mountains.

"Marrk, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Liara asked as they ran over several tourists.

"Sure do," Marrk replied, driving off a cliff. The car exploded into a fireball of smoke and death. When they had respawned, Marrk drove them safely to their next location, only brutally murdering a few peoples on the way.

"Hello? Can I get some service?" Marrk asked when they got into the facility opening.

"This Hotel doesn't really look all that lush, are you sure we're at the right place?"

"Well, this is where they said Matriarch Benezia was, so yeah, should be."

"Wait, what?"

"...Surprise! Your moms here!"

"Why!?"

"Well, I'd be a real jerk not to meet the bride's mother. Don't worry, I already told her all about our wedding and I sent her all our wedding photos."

"You what? But there aren't- ...you can't- ...we're not-"

"No, no need to thank me."

"No, there really isn't! How could you do this!?"

"Oh look, here comes the hotel staff!"

A horde of Rachni began swarming at them.

"Yes, can you direct us to where Matriarch Benezia is dining?"

The Rachni horde consumed them instantly.

Marrk, Liara, and Garrus all were transferred to where Matriarch Benezia was.

Garrus looked up. "What the hell? They actually took us to where we wanted to go?"

"Well, of course they did, they'd be bad hosts otherwise," Marrk explained.

A small Rachni in a bellhop uniform came forward.

"Could work a bit on your speed, but otherwise not bad," Marrk critiqued, slipping the bellhop a few bucks.

The bellhop screeched and spat out some goo. It then turned and left.

"So very well mannered…" Marrk noted. He turned his attention to Matriarch Benezia.

"Mother?" Liara gasped.

"MUWAHAHAHA!" Matriarch Benezia laughed evilly as she evilly stood on top of an evil throne.

"I am evil now!" she evilly explained.

Liara and Garrus stared at her. A moment later, Marrk stepped forward.

"Excellent to meet you, Ms. Benezia. I can see where Liara gets her good looks… and tits."

"Mother, what on earth has happened to you? Have you completely lost your mind?" Liara asked, ignoring Marrk's remarrks.

"My employer talks like Tommy Wiseau and my daughter is marrying Marrk Shepard, I'm allowed to go a little crazy," Benezia explained evilly.

"You're allowed to got a lot crazy, actually. With all that crazy in your family I'm impressed you're not Tom Cruise-type crazy," Garrus interjected.

"You shut your whore mouth, Garrus," Marrk politely replied.

Benezia blew up.

"No! How many will you take from us, spontaneous human combustion?" Marrk shouted as he looted her corpse.

"Free me please," the Rachni Queen asked from behind the glass.

"Okay," Marrk replied, stepping up to free her.

"Marrk, what are you doing? The Rachni are a scourge that nearly ended the universe once!" Garrus exposited.

Marrk stared at him. "And?"

"And nothing! If you release them, there's no telling how many will die!"

"Eh, I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt," Marrk replied, pressing the button to release the Rachni Queen.

The Rachni Queen let go a bellow of such power that it could be heard all over Noveria. The Rachni swarmed across the planet's surface devouring all lifeforms in their path. The Rachni Queen herself destroyed Port Hanshan. So many lives were lost…

"Oh wow, I totally misread that situation. Like I really fucked up on this one. I am a terrible decision maker. Well, it's a good thing that I will never be responsible for any important life or death decisions ever for any reason whatsoever for the rest of my life, so help me god."

The crew just stood there, looking out the window of the Normandy.

Marrk got a call on his flip-phone. "Yello," he answered.

"Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Uhuh. Okay. Uh huh. Yeah."

Marrk put his hand over the receiver and looked at his crew. "What's a Virmire?"