The Case Of 'The Ripper'.
By AnimeNutsy
Disclaimer: I do not own any Fruits Basket characters. They belong to Natsuki Takaya.
Warnings: Mild Language, and lots of sillyness. Oh! And a little reminder for all peoples, animals and other life forms to wear gas masks when reading this. Thankies!
A/N: This isn't about Jack The Ripper, or anything like that. Really, it isn't. I also make a crude and nasty remake of the intro song for the Fruits Basket anime. This fic is about farting. Yes, farting. Otherwise known as passing wind. So, um…please don't flame me. The amount of toxic ass gas that is in this fic, along with the power of the flame…well…you get the point.:D
Intro Song (Stanky Version)
I was so happy when you fart,
Your fart breaks through the clouds of grey,
Far from the sunny days that lie in your shit.
Waiting with patience for the stench,
When the flowers will die off again,
Knowing there's more beyond the crud of today.
Although the skids of yesterday remain,
You can go on farting as long as your ass don't bleed.
You can fart again, beware of the shit stains.
Let's fart together always.
Main Sohma Household
New Years Eve
Akito Sohma stood at the head of the huge banquet, which was being held to honor the traditions of the zodiac. "Attention, my charming little freaks! Your gorgeous and charming master commands your attention!" Akito shouted out.
Most of the members of the zodiac immediately gave the young man their full attention, while some glared at the young and arrogant master. None glared more harshly than Yuki Sohma, the rat.
"He's acting like a jerk! Well…even more so than he usually does." Yuki mumbled, pouting. Hatori walked over, and stood by Yuki's side. "Yes. It's strange. He's acting as if he's…drunk." Hatori spoke, and narrowed his eyes in thought.
"That can't be. He's only had one glass of wine, which was watered down. I've drank more than he has." Yuki replied to the family doctor. "What? You've been drinking the wine?" Hatori whispered.
"Well, yeah. I never knew wine was this good. Hic! I think I'm gonna have s'more!" Yuki giggled, quite drunkenly. "I think not! Come with me! You're going straight to bed, young man!" Hatori hissed, and grabbed Yuki by the arm and steered him out of the banquet room.
Shigure scratched his head, looking at Akito in thought. "Looks like our Little Lord Fontelroy has no head for alcohol." Shigure giggled, as Akito went on with his usual nagging.
"He's not drunk, Gure-san. I put a heavy dose of Rohipnoll into his drink." Ayame told him, coming to stand by his side. Shigure eeped. "R-Rohipnoll? Isn't that the date-rape drug?" Shigure asked, dreading the answer.
"Yup. I plan of having my way with him after the banquet." Ayame replied, breaking out into a grin when he saw Shigure's horrified expression. "Relax, I'm joking. He always acts like such a crabby apple during the banquet, I thought this would, you know…calm him down a little." Ayame explained.
Shigure nodded, not entirely believing the snake. Both of them, including the rest of the Sohmas, listened in to what Akito had to say. "I welcome you all to the banquet. So…eat, drink…and be fricken merry, k? And I'd also like to--"
PPPPFFFFFTTT……Akito was promptly cut off, by the unmistakable sound of a fart letting loose. All the people gathered looked at each other, evading the blame, for the punishment would be severe. Oh, yes…would it ever be severe.
Akito stood, rigid as a stick. He opened his mouth to scream out his angered response, but got a mouthful of stinky ass gas instead. Akito fell to the floor, choking. Kureno ran over to him, scooped him up and ran for the doors.
"Everybody, evacuate in an orderly fashion." Kureno spoke. "I repeat-Everybody evacuate in an--" Kureno was cut short, by the screams of people, as everyone made a run for the doors. Kureno was pushed along with the flow of screaming bodies. He shielded Akito's body with his own, to protect the young master.
"Somebody, help meeeeeee!" Ayame screamed, as he was pushed to and fro, eventually disappearing amongst the crowd. "Shit, this is worse than a fricken Mosh Pit!" Snarled Black Haru, as he punched a guy who tried to grab onto him.
Ritsu, being the Monkey, climbed up some curtains and managed to avoid the rush. Momiji was sent flying out a window. Poor old Shigure now had a lot of sympathy for sardines, as he too, was pushed along.
All the people pushed, shoved and rushed until, finally, the banquet room was empty. Akito lay sprawled on the front lawn, catching his breath. "Akito-sama. Slow and easy wins the race, remember?" Kureno told the young man, as he tried to comfort Akito, who was shaking.
"F-Find out…who did it! I want them…-cough-…found at ONCE! No one…-cough, cough-…and I mean, NO ONE farts while I'm talking!" Akito coughed out. Kureno was off in a flash, to find the culprit.
"Sh..Shigure…" Akito stared up at the dog, who had fallen near him. "Yes…sir?" Shigure caught his breath and faced Akito. "Take me to my rooms, at once. I tire of this farce." Akito pouted, and sulked as Shigure picked him up and carried him off.
Meanwhile, Kureno….
Kureno stalked through the grounds of the gardens, weapons at the ready. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he saw a lone figure sitting alone. He pounced on the figure, tackling them to the ground.
"Gaah! What the hell?" Screeched the person, and Kureno looked down. Pinned underneath him was none other than Kyou. "Kyou? What are you doing here?" Kureno asked.
"Tch! Like I could skip this boring get together? I'm not allowed at the banquet, remember? I have to sit outside and twiddle my thumbs like a good little cat! Jerks!" Kyou grumbled, but was startled when Kureno hurled him to his feet.
"Hey! What the heck are you doing? Lemme go!" Kyou protested, as he was dragged all the way inside the mansion, and he was forced to sit in front of Akito. "What the heck is that filthy animal doing in here?" Akito asked, and glared up at Kureno.
"You asked me to find someone suspicious. So I did." Kureno replied. "Suspicious? What the hell is going on?" Kyou asked, looking from Akito, to Kureno, and to Shigure, who was pouring tea for Akito.
"Don't give us this! You're the culprit! Confess at once to Akito!" Kureno pointed an accusing finger at Kyou. "Confess what? I haven't done anything except sit outside in the freaking cold!" Kyou growled at the rooster.
"Kyou…someone passed wind while Akito was talking at the banquet. Were you the one who did it?" Shigure asked, clearly not believing that Kyou was the culprit. "How could I? I was outside the whole entire time." Kyou replied.
"How could we know that, hmm? You could have snuck in, farted, then snuck back outside again, to avoid the blame. This was clearly an attempt on Akito-sama's life. What better culprit than you?" Kureno asked, smugly.
"You know what? I think you're trying to pass the buck. How do I know that it wasn't you who farted?" Kyou grinned at the flustered rooster. "How? Because I would never do something so disgusting as farting while in the company of others." Kureno spoke, matter-of-factly.
"Oh! So, you're saying that I am that kind of person, huh?" Kyou snarled, his tail bristling. "Why not? You are the cat." Kureno replied. "Oh, you can just go to hell. I know where this is going. You lazy bastards are just searching for a scapegoat. Well, I'm not going to play in your little game." Kyou said, then stood up and left.
"Well, that went well." Shigure said, and handed Akito a cup of hot green tea. "Where's mine?" Kureno asked Shigure. "You can get your own." Shigure replied, and walked out of the room.
"So, other than soiling my house and my room with that filthy cat, you haven't made any progress with finding the perpetrator?" Akito asked the rooster. "That is correct, Akito-sama." Kureno told the young man.
"You useless dolt. Go away." Akito grumbled, shooing away Kureno with a wave of his hand. Dismayed, the rooster left the clan head's room, and made his way to his own.
"What a day, what a day…" Kureno murmured, and turned back his bed covers, preparing for a good night's rest, when all of a sudden, he heard laughter in his closet. "Who's in there?" Kureno asked, and went to grab the closet door handle, when he felt breath on the back of his neck.
He turned around, only to be met with a shadow, the sound of a fart being let loose, then the stink of ass gas. Coughing once, Kureno fell to the ground, not moving. A shadow loomed over the fallen man. "Ha-ha-ha. Not on your best day, rooster. None of you will ever catch the ripper." A voice spoke, then harsh laughter filled the room.
To Be Continued
A/N: Should I continue this?