Rodney McKay: Babysitter Extraordinaire
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Mini-Prologue:
Some years have passed since the end of Season 3. John and Teyla are happily married on Atlantis, despite the enemies and the dangers they still face. Teyla has just given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ethan Tagan Sheppard.
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Rodney stared at the caramel-colored mass wiggling in Teyla's grasp. It horrified him. "Let me be the first to extend my congratulations to you two." They were all in the infirmary.
John looked up in pleasant surprise at Rodney's gesture. "Thanks Rodney."
"Let me also be the first to declare that I have never been, am not, nor ever will be a babysitter in any way, shape, or form!" He pointed an accusing finger toward the innocent child. "That... That... That's for both his sake and mine!" He didn't seem to notice the glaring looks of Carter, Lorne, Ronon, or Keller as he ran out of the room. No, he didn't run. He bolted.
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Six months later, Lt. Colonel Sheppard's voice rang loud and clear over the radio. "Atlantis, this is SGA-1. We're coming in hot! Have a med team ready at the gate!"
Colonel Carter gave the order to lower the shield. John quickly passed through it, dragging Rodney by his arms. A team of medics rushed over. Rodney was unconscious and bleeding profusely from head and chest wounds. Major Lorne and Ronon backed in through the Stargate, covering them from the weapons fire.
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Dr. Keller walked over to Rodney as he slowly opened his eyes. The bright lights of the infirmary burned them. His head was pounding. "Wha..." he said weakly.
"Shhh. Don't try to speak. You've been out for quite some time."
Rodney's throat was dry. His voice was surprisingly hoarse. "How long?"
"About a week." Rodney groaned as a wave of pain washed over his head and chest.
Later, when Rodney gained full consciousness, he was surrounded by John, Teyla, and the rest of his team. "How is he, doc?" John asked as Dr. Keller walked back in.
"He'll survive. His recovery is going to take some time. I'm putting you on the injured list, Rodney. You're suspended from off-world activities for 3 weeks."
McKay tried to hide his excitement. He was in no hurry to go off-world again. Being in his lab was slightly less dangerous and a hell of a lot more interesting.
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Rodney made a full recovery. He had not left Atlantis for a month. Recent missions off-world focused more on trade negotiations than anything else. Dr. McKay was happy to be sentenced to life in his lab.
He looked at his watch as it beeped a reminder to him. Time for a check-up with the doctor. He groaned as he quickly closed his laptop and left the room. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could get back to work.
As Rodney roamed the corridors toward the infirmary, he noticed that everyone was running. His radio had been off, so he had no idea what chaos was brewing around him. He brought his hand to his ear to turn the radio back on. "SGAs 3, 7, and 12 report to the gate room. Be prepared to disembark and provide back-up for SGA-1!" Colonel Carter's voice shot the order over the comm. "EMTs to the gate room immediately!" she barked.
He rounded the corner just in time to see a team of medics run out of the infirmary as if their pants were on fire. He also spied Teyla moving towards him with a 7-month old baby in her arms. Rodney spun around and started walking the other way.
"Dr. McKay! Wait!" Teyla raised up her free arm. Rodney had no choice but to stop; he'd been spotted.
Before he knew it, Teyla stuffed the baby into his arms, yelling something about having to provide back-up for her husband. She ran off in the other direction before he could protest. Rodney held the child at arm's length, staring at it with a clearly frightened look on his face. Various airmen and marines ran around him.
The baby took one look at him and started to cry. Loudly.
Rodney took one look at the baby and began to panic. "Oh no, no no no, don't do that." His eyes looked left, then right. No amount of his genius could help him now. "Kid, you can't do this to me. I don't speak your language!"
Baby Sheppard paid him no mind. He just kept on crying.
Still holding the baby at arm's length, Rodney began running into the infirmary. "Help! Help! I need help, please!"
Dr. Keller ran over, believing he was injured. "McKay! Now is not the time for this! Go baby-sit somewhere else!!" she screamed. A nurse helped her put on surgical clothing and gear.
"B-B-But I have no idea w-w-what to do with this," he stammered, raising the child higher. Sheer terror enveloped his face. Little Ethan was in no mood to stop; he began to cry louder. Rodney never knew something so small could be so loud.
"Check his diaper," another nurse hurriedly called from behind.
"Oh! Right... How do I do that?" Rodney didn't know the first thing about diapers. In fact, he didn't want to know. He wouldn't even know where to look for diapers. The nurse threw one on the empty table next to him and rushed off.
Rodney looked at the diaper. He looked at the baby. He looked at the diaper. "Where's the instruction manual when you need one?"
Another nurse sighed and ran over to render some assistance. Through clenched teeth she said, "I'm only doing this to get you out of the way. Now tell that genius mind of yours to start memorizing this."
The following events took place at lightning speed. She laid a clean cloth on the table. She grabbed the baby and laid it down. "Now take the diaper off like this, and roll it up like this. Throw it away." She pulled some baby wipes and diaper cream from a shelf nearby. "Use this to wipe, then apply this cream so he doesn't get a rash. Then lift up his legs like this, place the diaper underneath like this, pull it over, secure this tab, then that tab, and you're done. See? This isn't rocket science."
"That's my point," Rodney commented, clearly unable to wrap his mind around what just happened. The nurse did nothing to hide her groan, as she picked up the now-calm child and handed it to him.
"Now get out of here!" She didn't need to tell him twice. Holding the baby at arm's length, he was shooed out of the infirmary. Soon after, the medics were rushing gurneys full of bleeding SG team members into the room. Rodney and the baby began walking slowly down the corridor, away from the chaos. He feared that any sudden movements would disturb the child. "Now what?" he asked, his voice still shaking.
As McKay wandered further away, he looked around for another living soul. No one. He was all by his lonesome with a wriggling mass of flesh that dared to gurgle in delight at him. He gave the kid a half-smile and an "Eh." Little Ethan started kicking his arms and legs violently. Rodney interpreted this as a sign of hostility.
"No. Stop. Stop. Oh, god, please, stop. Don't you know what self-preservation is? I could drop you if you move this much." The baby only managed to smile at him as he playfully bounced in Rodney's hands. Apparently, he interpreted the way Rodney was holding him as a sign that he could play.
Rodney sat down on some nearby steps. Ethan's feet bounced up and down on McKay's knees. Up and down. Up and down. "You've got more energy than a Naquedah generator. No, make that a ZedPM." The baby laughed his little baby laugh. Rodney began to smile. "You like that, huh? Wait 'til you hear the one about the Goa'uld and the reptilian monkey."
Suddenly, Ethan stopped bouncing. He stared straight into McKay's eyes with an angry look on his face. Footsteps could be heard approaching in the background. "Okay, okay, so maybe not. How 'bout this one..." Baby Sheppard interrupted him with a loud shriek and began wailing.
Rodney's eyes went wide. "Oh, not again!" He tried bouncing him up and down again. "Kid, kid! What do you want!?"
A young marine happened to be running by. He couldn't have been more than 22 years old. "Maybe he's hungry!" he called.
Rodney turned his head. "What? What? How would you know that? You're like 12!" He turned back to the child. He whispered, "Are you really hungry?" Tears were streaming down Ethan's face as he continued to cry.
The scientist stood up, with child at arm's length. Something told him that the marine was right, even if he was too young to know anything. Rodney had the good sense to find his way towards John and Teyla's quarters, because that's where the baby food would be. Unfortunately, their quarters were locked.
With the baby crying in one arm, Rodney hot-wired himself into their residence. As soon as he was in, he rushed in, looking left and right for any sign of baby sustenance. "Kid, where's your food?" Seeing the bed, Rodney laid the baby down. His arms were sure getting tired. When he looked at the dresser, there was a bottle and a cylindrical canister next to it. A baby spoon rested on top. He made a mad dash towards the treasure. Ethan continued wailing behind him.
He picked up the canister. It was powdered baby formula. He quickly spun it around looking for directions. "Ah! Finally. Some help." The instructions said he needed water. A bottle of it just happened to be sitting nearby. He picked up the baby bottle and unscrewed its cap. It was an odd-shaped thing. It was bent a few inches from where the nipple should be. He thought to himself that he should someday look up the point of a V-shaped baby bottle.
Struggling with the contents of the canister and the impending doom that the baby's cries were warning of, Rodney finally managed to mix the formula. One could only hope that he did it properly.
He spun around with the bottle in his hand. Rodney held it over the baby. "Here, here! Try this!" Ethan stopped crying for a moment. But only for one moment. "Oh man. Sheppard, I'm gonna kill you for this." The baby looked at him with fearful eyes. "Oh no no no, not you, your dad." Ethan kept wailing.
"Think, Rodney, think!" He tried to imagine the way Teyla or John would feed the baby. "You idiot!" He scooped up the child, mimicking the way he had seen John do it, with the baby slightly propped up against one arm while his free hand held the bottle to the child's mouth. As soon as it made contact, Ethan stopped his noise.
All Rodney could hear were the suckling sounds the baby made as he drank his milk. McKay let out a loud sigh and sat down on the bed. He was exhausted. The scientist peered over at his watch. Only 20 minutes had passed since he received this bundle from 'H-E-double hockey sticks.' He couldn't understand why all the women and even some men would swoon over this-this- this monster.
He looked down at Ethan. His eyes were half-closed as he began slowing down on his bottle. Rodney had to admit, though, when the kid wasn't wailing, he could be kinda cute. As if sensing this thought, Ethan's eyes fluttered open. He resumed his pace with the milk in the bottle. Within minutes, he had consumed the entire thing.
Rodney pulled it out of his mouth with ease and put it down. Ethan stared at him. His bottom lip started to quiver. His eyes started to fill with tears. "Oh no. Not again." The baby let out a small whimper.
The nervous scientist stood up. He instinctively pulled the baby close, letting his head rest on his left shoulder. As McKay paced the room, he started babbling. "Look, I thought you and me had an understanding here. I mean, it was good while it lasted. I don't bother you if you don't bother me. I don't look at you even if you look at me." Without realizing it, Rodney began gently patting Ethan's back. Thankfully, the baby had not begun to cry. Yet.
Curious, he pushed the child back to arm's length to get a good look at him. No, he was still awake. His lower lip started to quiver again, and Rodney immediately put him back on his shoulder. "Okay, so I guess we can blame your mother for this one. Who does she think she is, anyway? Oooh the leader of the Athosian people, who can kick anyone's ass in this city, can sense the Wraith from a mile away. She can't be that smart if she handed you to me," he complained to the child. He continued patting his back.
Rodney sighed. "When this is all over, I'm going back to my lab where I belong." His thoughts wandered back to his latest work. He mumbled aloud to himself about the problem he was having interfacing his laptop with the Ancient systems in a newly discovered lab. He began his usual techobabble, expecting the baby to be listening, or even comprehending him. "Here's my theory. I think the flood did something to short out the power relays in the control console."
A loud burp escaped from little Ethan's tiny mouth. Rodney was insulted. "Hey! You don't have to be rude. If you don't agree, then just say so... Oh." The scientist with 3 PhDs realized what the burp really meant. A satisfied smile formed on Rodney's face. "Maybe I can do this after all," he said aloud to himself.
The door swooshed open and Colonel Sheppard stood in the doorway. He was surprised when Teyla said she handed Ethan over to McKay, but seeing it was believing it. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Rodney McKay, babysitter extraordinaire."
The scientist made a face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." The baby cooed in his arms as he began to drift into slumber.
"Awww," John started in a patronizing voice, "he likes you, Uncle Meredith." The Colonel began laughing.
"Oh whatever!" Rodney donned another disgusted look and sent it Sheppard's way. Suddenly, his left shoulder felt wet. An odd smell emanated from that very location. The child's father began laughing even harder. When McKay turned his head to look, he felt the urge to turn it right back.
In-between laughs, Sheppard announced, "That'll teach ya to put a towel on your shoulder before you burp a baby!" Still laughing, he accepted his child as Rodney all-but-threw him into Sheppard's arms.
Rodney didn't dare touch the vomit that stuck to his shirt. He planned to burn this shirt and throw the remains into the sea. "Never again," he pointed an accusing finger at the Colonel. "Never, ever, ever again!" John could almost see the steam coming out of Rodney's ears.
Rodney muttered as he exited the residence, "Send me to my death off-world, use me as bait for the Wraith, let the Replicators stick their hands in my head – I don't care. Never ever again!" Down the hall, John heard him say, "I need a drink." And with that, Dr. McKay was gone.
John stared long and hard at his child. The baby stared back at him. "Good boy." Little Ethan gurgled in delight.