Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders by SE Hinton, nor do I own "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan.
A/N: This is a prequel one shot of sorts before the story Tender is the Night by A Sideways Smile, which is the penname under which a friend and I co-write.
Spend all your time waiting,
For that second chance.
For a break that would make it all okay.
The schoolyard was empty, as it should be at dinnertime on a Sunday night in the middle of a sweltering summer. She knew she'd find him there. He wanted to be alone, and there was nowhere else he could go to find such solitude.
The swing was being pushed by the stiff wind that was blowing the dark clouds overhead. The heavens looked as though they would open up at any minute, ready to hide the tears that threatened to spill out with every breath.
"Pony?" she called softly, afraid she might startle him. Afraid he might run away from her like he had everyone else that week.
He didn't though. He turned his head slightly as it rested on the chain of the swing, looking at her with the dull emerald of his eyes. She had never seen him look so sad or so alone in all the years she'd known him.
She didn't ask the question. It was useless and empty, no real compassion coming from it. She knew the answer anyway. He wasn't okay; all you had to do was look at him to know that. The sun-kissed redness in his hair was unkempt and ungreased for the first time in years. Tufts kicked out all over his head, making him look so much younger than he was feeling these days.
She lowered herself, sitting on the ground in front of the swing, looking up at him with the tears glistening in his eyes. Scooting closer, she wrapped her arms around his legs and rested her head against his knees.
Darry asked her to find him and because he didn't want him to be alone. Ellie didn't want to be alone either. Even with all of the people around, Ellie had never felt so empty in her entire life.
She'd been strong as the others fell apart, strong for these boys who had lost so much in the blink of an eye. She had to remember to stay strong for the brothers and for the rest of them who felt the searing pain of loss. It was so much harder than she realized.
"You think they're okay?" he asked, shattering the silence with quiet words.
"I bet they're wondering if you're okay," she replied, as the rain started to fall. Her scalp tingled from the pitter-patters.
His body shook as he finally escaped the sob he'd been holding back. She looked up at him, and despite the rainwater dripping from his hair into his eyes, she knew those were tears that slid down his cheeks.
"Oh, Pony," she grieved, standing up and wrapping her arms around him as he still sat on the swing. She could feel every sob pulsate through her, making it more difficult than ever to hold hers back, but she did. She stayed strong for him in that moment just so someone would.
"Why'd they have to die?" he sobbed into her hair. "Why'd it have to be them?"
"I don't know, Pony. But it ain't fair," she whispered over the lump in her throat, her words getting lost in the rain.
He faltered as he sank into her, and Ellie was starting to lose it as she helped him off of the swing and sat beside him on the ground. His head rested on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around it, her cheek on the wet pillow of his hair. There hadn't been a dry pillow between any of them since the night they found out they were gone.
"What if Soda and I get put into a boy's home?" he asked, panic edging in his voice.
Ella was quiet for a few seconds, watching the rain puddle beside her. Little splashes crashed down like the heavens were crying with them. It was becoming impossible to keep hers in much longer.
"You won't," she said, trying not to sound so worried. "Darry'll be able to keep you guys together."
She hugged him tighter, never wanting to let him go. If he and Soda got sent to a boy's home, it would be like losing four people instead of just two.
"It'll all work out, Pony. You'll see," she whispered back to him. "I promise."
It wasn't a promise she had any business making, but she couldn't help it. Someone had to tell him something, anything that would give him the slightest ray of hope during such a dark storm. They were just kids, all of them. They were all too young to be worried about where they were going to be in a week or in a year. They were too young to be this sad. Too young to feel this kind of grief. Too young to carry all of this on their shoulders so suddenly.
Water was sliding down her cheeks, and Ellie pretended it was the same rain that was soaking through her shoes and socks. The same rain that had them both soaked clear to the bone and shivering despite the warmth of the summer air. She wouldn't let him see her cry when he needed someone to be strong while he fell apart.
There's always a reason to feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day,
I need a distraction, a beautiful release.
She watched the car circle and stop on the street across from the schoolyard. From there she could see Two-Bit and Steve, watching the two of them huddle in the rain. Their solemnity was weighing as heavy on her shoulders as Pony leaning against her.
"Hey now," she said softly. "Lets go get dried off."
He nodded against her, and they stood together, his head still resting on her shoulder as she directed him toward Two-Bit's car.
They slid into the backseat together, and the car lurched forward without so much as a word spoken by anyone. The silence was only broken by Pony's sniffs and the rain panging against the car as they drove.
Ella was still trying to force her sobs back, to swallow them as they threatened to spill out and shatter the fragile silence that was crushing down around them. She wiped at her hair that was plastered to her face, trying to brush away tears that kept forming at the corner of her eyes.
It shouldn't be so hard to be so strong. She was used to it and yet, she felt like she was drowning.
Memory seeps from my veins,
Let me be empty.
"You comin' in El?" Steve asked, looking at her from the front seat.
She nodded and looked out the door as Two-Bit led Pony inside. "In a minute," she managed to say without her voice breaking in two.
"Okay, kid," he said, reaching back and squeezing her arm.
They left her alone in the car and still, Ellie tried to hold back the tears. Her vision blurred, obscuring everything in her line of sight as they welled deeply in her tired eyes. She laid her head back on the seat, fighting the sobs, fighting the tears and fighting her guilt that she was helpless to do anything to erase what had happened.
Her door opened, and Ellie jumped in surprise. A hand reached in, beckoning her to take it, and she gave in. Strong fingers wrapped around her trembling hand and pulled her out into the rain.
She looked up at Dally, his blond hair plastered to his forehead and his clothes as soaked through as hers. The rain serving as the same mechanism to hide his grief as it had been for her.
Her tears finally beat her, and she let them fall as heavy as the pouring rain they were lost in. Sobs escaped past the lump in her throat and her entire body started trembling as she succumbed to her grief.
He pulled her against him, holding her as she clung desperately to him as she cried. He let her cry into his shirt. It didn't matter anyway; it was so wet, her tears would only mix with the rainwater that cemented the thin fabric to his skin.
It was hard to not let it all get to you when everyone was falling to pieces around you. He wouldn't though; he couldn't. Even if they were different and knew the score, and even though they were the only ones who ever gave a damn, he didn't know how to fall apart.
She was falling apart in his arms, and lord knew she was feeling enough hurt for the both of them.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.