Disclaimer: I still own nothing... one of these days I will. One of these days...

Chapter 4- Why Not to Develop a Zorro Complex

Two student officers carried in a large purple chest and dropped it in front of Kyoraku-sensei. "Thank you, minions. Here, have a coupon for a free small fry at Burger King. You've earned it. Now the rest of you, pay attention!" he commanded, "because I will only explain this once. In this box is a zanpaku-tou for each of you. In an orderly fashion you will come get one, then look for the student officer from your respective dorm and stand near him or her until we are done here."

Uryuu, who was in front, raised a hand. "Excuse me!"

"What is it?"

"Isn't a zanpaku-tou supposed to be part of a Soul Reaper's being? Doesn't it take years of reflection and meditation to earn the use of one's zanpaku-tou, unique to that one person?"

Shunsui blinked. "To reiterate... put your hand in the box, pull one out, and go away." The students lined up in a single file as Nanao opened the chest and did as they were told. As he inched forward in line, Ichigo's mind was racing with questions.

I wonder what my zanpaku-tou will look like?

What will the released form be?

Will the zanpaku-tou's spirit like me?

What if the spirit of my zanpaku-tou is a seasoned warrior, who can teach me the many techniques of battle?

What if it's a wise sage, savvy in the strategies I must employ to be a good Soul Reaper?

What if it's a giant taco? That would be so flippin' sweet...

Oh God I hope it's a taco.

Wait... is there something in my teeth? I can feel a piece of food between my front teeth but I can't get it out... should I pick it out? No, people will stare. But wait... they're already staring at me... laughing at me... mocking me... ostracizing me... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

"Hey kid, you got something in your teeth." said Kyoraku.

"What?"

Nanao pushed up her glasses, and in an annoyed tone, said, "Don't just stand there, get a zanpaku-tou and move so the rest of the students can get one."

"Oh... sorry. Must have spaced out." He peered into the chest. It was filled with ordinary-looking swords. He was about to grab a dorky yellow one when something else caught his eye. The end of a large hilt barely poked out from the bottom. Ichigo reached, grabbed it, and pulled. It was heavy... heavier than a zanpaku-tou should be. He pulled and pulled and pulled some more.

Then he pulled some more. He pulled and he pulled.

And pulled and pulled and... well hell if that isn't redundant I don't know what is. The damn thing was heavy, you get the idea.

He finally pulled out what was easily the most impractically large sword ever created in the known universe. And the real one. And that other one that smells really bad. You know the one I mean.

It was nearly five feet long and had a black hilt. Near the bottom of the blade it read, 'Property of Cloud Strife'.

"Well it's mine now," chuckled Ichigo. "Can I get another one?"

"No."

"But you have two."

"Because I deserve two." He motioned for Ichigo to leave. As Ichigo walked away, Uryuu, who was behind him, stepped up, but was for some reason distracted. There were pink hearts floating above his head and he was gawking at Nanao. "I... noticed you pushed up your glasses," he choked nervously.

"Yes, they often slip down my nose."

"Mine too... heh heh... heh." He cleared his throat and pushed up his glasses.

Shunsui sighed and scratched his head. "What is this, the retard convention? Grab a sword and GO. Not that hard." Uryuu regained his bearings and took out a plain-looking sword with a green hilt, and behind him was Tatsuki with an orange-hilted zanpaku-tou.

"So where are we supposed to go? Which officer is from my dorm?" Ichigo asked as the two approached him. Uryuu looked around. "Well... there are four officers with four emblems on, one for each dorm so it should be simple."

Tatsuki nodded. "Yeah, don't you know which dorm is yours? It was on the acceptance letter you got in the mail."

"Well my dorm is Shihouin Hall," Uryuu said.

"Mine too," confirmed Tatsuki.

"Yeah I think that's what mine was too," said Ichigo. "So aren't all the dorms named after the four noble families?"

"Not all of them." Tatsuki answered. "The four dorms of the academy are called Shihouin, Kuchiki, Cherry, and Watermelon."

"What's with those last two? It's as if they forgot the other two families' names and named them after flavors of Jolly Rancher instead."

"Maybe they were hungry when they named them?" suggested Uryuu.

"That doesn't make sense though," Ichigo argued.

Tatsuki scowled. "Does that really surprise you? After three whole chapters of stumbling through mindless non-sense? I mean, it's like this is all a concoction of the sick, demented mind of some horrible, horrible person with an IQ of 33, all the ridiculous sub-standard crap we've dealt with so far and this is only the first day!"

Orihime, who had joined them sometime during the rant along with Mizuiro and Chad, chuckled nervously and noted, "How... explosive of you Tatsuki. KABOOM!!! Ha ha ha ha... drugs."

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"The last word you said."

"Oh, um, I said sunshine rainbow bunny rabbit."

Everyone nodded, agreeing that that was totally something she would say. "Hey, aren't we missing someone?"

Keigo, who was last in line, eagerly approached the chest, as Nanao slammed it shut. "Well, that's all of them."

"Wait!" cried Keigo. "What about my zanpaku-tou?"

"What about it?"

"Are they all gone?"

Kyoraku reopened the box and peered inside. "I'm sure there must be one left... hold on a sec. I see one. It's waaaaaaaay down there." He reached in and pulled out a bent up sword with a rusty blade so gnarled it looked like it got in a fight with a blender and lost horribly. On the blade were spray painted certain-- obscene-- messages. Kyoraku stared at it with disgust, then handed it over to Keigo. "Here... enjoy. All right everyone, you're dismissed. Nanao, bring in the next batch of noobs."

"Yes sir."

Ichigo and friends all put their zanpaku-tou in their belts and approached the student officer with the Shihouin family insignia on his kimono. He briefly introduced himself. "My name is Shuuhei Hisagi and I am a sixth year student. However, you all will refer to me as Roberta. Don't ask questions. Follow me."

He took the sixty or so students and led them back through the school. After five or so minutes of walking through monotonous hallways, they came out to a wooden walkway with a roof over it extending across a pond and garden several stories below, into the side of another, smaller building. This building had the Shihouin insignia on it as well, on the wall over the entrance.

"This is Shihouin Hall. This is where you'll be living for the next six years." He slid open the door and stepped in, motioning for them to follow.

Okay chapter 4 was up pretty quick compared to the other chapters. But don't expect number 5 to be up so fast as well! These things take time to work in my head but for some reason this chap just came to me... whatever. Ch 5 has more Rukia and Renji plus an OC of mine and other characters you know and love (or not). Review please :)