Disclaimer: You know the drill...

A/N: Have they ever mentioned the currency used in Soul Society? I'm just gonna make one up as need be... if anyone knows the real one feel free to let me know so I can change it lol.

Chapter 5- Why Not to Drink the Bong Water

As Hisagi entered--

"My name is Roberta!"

Right... as Roberta entered the white-walled building, so did the noobs behind him, stumbling along like a crowd of tourists. Just in the doors, the first room was a small, dim foyer with a somewhat tall ceiling. The floor was gray marble and there were Roman-style chairs and furniture against the walls of the room, which were also gray marble except for an orange band running along the walls under the ceiling.

In the center of the room was a granite statue shaped like a sitting cat, with a fountain of water flowing out from the mouth and into a pool in the base of the statue. If the noobs hadn't inferred an artistic theme from that room alone, they would've caught it when the entered the next one.

It was a rather large room. The floor, walls, and ceiling in here were also gray marble. It was two stories tall and had a walkway on the second floor wrapping all around the walls, with numerous doors all around. There was a large doorway on the opposite wall covered by a red veil. On either side of the doorway there were two stairways leading up to the second floor walkway, all along which were banisters made of some smooth white stone. Torches all along the walls and glowing chandeliers hanging from the ceiling helped light up the room, with the addition of a few skylights above. There were Shinigami students, some in shihakushos and some in regular clothes, scattered throughout the hall. Some were casually chatting with each other, some were dashing in and out of rooms as though they needed to be somewhere, some were just sitting around and doing homework. It was all a rather elegant yet relaxed environment.

The only strange thing about it was all the paintings of one particular dark-skinned woman with long purple hair. There were famous paintings all over the walls of the hall such as the Mona Lisa and American Gothic, except, where there should have been other people, there was the same purple-haired woman.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

PAINTING.

"Hey... who's that lady?" Chad whispered to Tatsuki. She nudged him. "That's Yoruichi Shihouin, head of the Shihouin family. She donated this dorm to the academy. Duh?"

"Hmm..."

Suddenly, harp music could be heard playing from particularly nowhere and a ray of heavenly light shone in from the skylights. Through the veil-covered door on the other side of the room entered none other than Yoruichi Shihouin, smiling softly as though enjoying her own presence. She was wearing a toga made of soft white linen and several doves flew in circles around her, chirping.

"Ah, I see that the new students are here. Thank you, Roberta, for bringing the young children here. You may be dismissed."

"Thank you, Shihouin-sama." He bowed and walked away.

"Welcome, young children, to the Soul Reaper Academy! Your name is posted on the door of the room where you will be staying. This dormitory is very light and casual, so there are not many rules. The only rule is that I require a virgin to be sacrificed to me at the festival that we throw every month. That is all."

With that, she went back behind the red veil. Orihime nervously chuckled. "Was she joking about that last part?"

"Like you have to worry about that," muttered Tatsuki.

"Huh? What exactly do you mean?"

"Nothing, nothing..." she quickly glanced at Ichigo before heading towards the upper level to find her room. Ichigo just shook his head with a blind expression. Everyone shrugged and dispersed.

Ichigo was more interested in the red veil than looking for his room upstairs, so he approached it and peeked inside. There was a stairwell that went down and twisted back under the main hall. There was an eerie red glow about the stairwell as he made his way down. At the bottom of the stairs was some sort of lounge room. This room was made of brown-yellow marble and dimly lit with the same red glow. There were many red curtains along the walls, and some sort of odorless smoky gas seemed to fill the room.

The room was packed with students sitting on sofas, enjoying beverages, chatting, even sleeping.Ichigo wandered around, confused, feeling as though he had accidentally stepped into a bad rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"Hey Ichigo, over here!" called someone from another part of the room. He couldn't see who it was so he followed the sound and saw that it was Rukia waving at Ichigo, motioning for him to come over. As he did, he saw she was sitting next to Renji, who was playing cards with someone else.

Rukia was still dressed in shihakushos, but it had seemed that after the meeting in the lecture room Renji had hastily changed into more comfortable clothing, sporting that dorky hippy outfit that he loved so much to wear.

Renji's opponent was wearing baggy jeans, black shoes, and a brown T-shirt with a white one under it. He had black hair that was spiky in the front and a short goatee. He was holding a hand of five cards close to his face, studying them intently as if somehow perplexed.

"Are you gonna go or what?" demanded Renji.

"I'm thinking." He raised an eyebrow, dropped it, then glanced at Renji. He then withdrew from his pocket a plush Sonic the Hedgehog doll and laid it on the table. "I'm putting Sonic on the table. He's worth at least... ten silver pieces."

"Ten? More like six."

"No way. Check this out." He pulled a string on the doll, causing it to speak. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To buy more Sonic games!"

"It even tells jokes."

Renji laughed. "That is pretty funny... all right. Ten silver pieces."

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "You know that doll is just Sega propaganda trying to brainwash you, right?"

"Rukia, your face is the only one trying to brainwash us. Hey... who the hell is this orange hair kid staring at me?"

"Uh, Ichigo Kurosaki, first year."

"Mhmm... Ichigo. Hey isn't that Japanese for strawberry?"

"No way, it means 'number 1 guardian'."

"Bullshit it does. Your name is strawberry. Deal with it. My name's Kame by the way, second year."

"Nice to meet you," Ichigo mustered in an attempt to be polite. "So, when do classes even start?"

Rukia sighed, shaking her head.

"Uh oh," Renji warned. "Rukia's going into know-it-all mode."

"Ichigo, Ichigo. Didn't you read the acceptance paper you got in the mail?"

"Of course I did!" If by 'read' you mean 'imagined Orihime in a skimpy Pikachu outfit and pretended I was Ash', he thought.

Break

A red light flashed through Urahara's shop as a siren blared. Everyone was running about in a panic. Urahara, who had stepped out of the bathroom, was curious. "What's going on?" he inquired.

Everyone stopped in their tracks as the light and siren ceased. Everyone scratched their head. "That's a good question..."

"And, and why is Aizen here?!" he asked in surprise.

Former captain Aizen, who was apparently there the whole time, shrugged. "Beats me. I was looking for the bathroom, I got lost, and I somehow ended up here."

"You got lost on the way to the bathroom and ended up... here?" asked Orihime.

Aizen shrugged again. "There's only two bathrooms in Las Noches and Ulquiorra just has to take forever to get ready in the morning so I had to walk all the way to the other bathroom on the other side of the building and took a few wrong turns and... I guess I ended up here."

"Wow..." Chad pondered out loud. "You're kind of a dumbass, aren't you?"

"No I'm not, I uh... this is all just an illusion... oooooooohhh..."

"No it's not."

"Uh... binding spell number 32! And a half! Vanish!" A cloud of smoke shot from Aizen's feet and filled the room. As it disappeared, he could be seen struggling out of the window.

Urahara rolled his eyes. "Now what was with that alarm just now?"

"There was a plot hole!" shouted Uryuu, who seemed stressed.

"A what?"

Rukia nodded. "Ichigo made a reference to having impure thoughts about Orihime before he supposedly met her in chapter 2!"

"I did?"

SMACK! "Ichigo, how could you?"

"I don't know!"

SMACK!

"Stop hitting me!"

Urahara shrugged. "Meh, don't worry about it. Anything as stupid as this fic has to have at least one plot hole, I guess..."

break

Back in the lounge room, Rukia began to explain the procedure to Ichigo. "You picked your classes back when you got your acceptance letter, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then today you got your zanpaku-tou. Tomorrow you go to the office to get your school uniform, then we rest. Classes start the day after."

"Right... could you go over that for me?"

She sighed. "I suppose. You have a choice of twelve classes, four core and eight elective. The four core classes you must take are for each of the four skills that Soul Reapers possess: swordsmanship, shunpo, hand-to-hand combat, and kidou skills. You have to take the introductory level of all these classes, while we second years must take the lower intermediate level classes, and so on."

"Oh, I see."

"And if you excel enough in a class, and you are interested in improving your skills in that class, the sensei may choose you to be one of their aides to teach a few of their classes."

"Right, I knew all that. Well I suppose I should go look for my dorm room... see you guys later."

Well that's chapter 5. I didn't think this one was quite as funny but I just wanted to do a good job describing the dorm and explaining the process. Next chap should be the last one before classes actually start. Reviews appreciated