"Eye in the Sky"
"Smallville" and related characters property of Warner Bros., no financial gain is being sought by this piece.
A/N: Angsty fic, just a warm up before getting back to "Earthbound" as it's been awhile since I've been able to write. Listened to Jonatha Brooke's cover of "Eye in the Sky" while writing, I recommend listening to it while reading. This is a little AU from the regular SV universe as I haven't watched for a few seasons but still, "when plot-bunnies attack" and all that.
oooo
Clark stumbled brokenly into Lincoln's Bar, his heart heavy. 15 years had come and gone and once again it was that day, the day he would never allow go by unheeded.
The rain poured steadily as he signaled for the first of many rounds, pulling a small lead box from the interior of his jacket.
Lois was working diligently as ever, their partnership having become the stuff of legend at the planet in the last several years since Clark had returned from his travels- and training.
The Others would watch over Metropolis and the world tonight, they knew of this day, even if they had respected Clark's privacy as to what he did on it.
A new waitress brought him his glass of Oban, and he gave her his credit card in order to facilitate a tab. Observing the amber fluid coat the walls of glass, catching the low light, Clark set the glass down and opened the lead box.
A slight wave a power washed over him from the small chip of Kryptonite within, nothing that would affect him externally these days, not with the massive amount of sunshine he'd soaked up. But internally...
Clark tossed it back, marking that the faint numbness in his mouth meant that he'd need a larger chip next year, next anniversary. He felt the bit of his homeworld trail icy pain down his esophagus until it hit his stomach and the numbness turned to a dull warmth. Then as the warmth faded and he felt his senses dull slightly, the omnipresent sound of the world roaring a little more faintly he knew he could start drinking.
Drink and feel more pain, but pain that he relished, he needed.
He was Superman now, invulnerable to anything in the eyes of the world. but Superman had been born of a terrible purpose, the final loss that he had experienced as a teen that pushed him towards his destiny.
Every day save this one over the last fifteen years he had relived the day that he had lost the light in his life, the light that shone so bright that he didn't even know it was the source of his drive.
When that light had flickered and died he had taken everything he'd learned under it's radiance and taken it in, built a shield to protect it, a shield in red and gold.
The years that she'd been in his life he knew that she was important. Since the day he'd seen met her and been blown away at her manner, her grace. None of the women since then; Lori, Diana, Maxima, only Lois came close, and only because he recognized what he had with Lois was very real, very grown up and equal, not the love he had for a ghost.
A memory, a symbol now.
Clark could hear her voice, "Good lord Clark. I'm dead, been dead. Quit moping, go get the story, save the day, be the big dumb hero I always knew you were."
But this day was for him really, wasn't that how indulgence of grief was? For the living?
The waitress was earning her keep, bring Clark his fourth double in almost twenty minutes. He knew that the Green K had it's limits and that to be drunk, to feel that numbness he would need to work at it.
As a tear ran down his cheek he realised that he was already there.
He remembered that last day, the day the explosion happened, the blood-
-god, her blood had been everywhere.
"Clark," she had whispered as her life came from her mouth, staining their clothes, "Clark, I'm cold."
He remembered his screams, his agony. The explosion had been fueled by something arcane and his powers had been rendered inactive for the day after that. When he needed knowledge the most to counter his blind reliance on abilities, he had none.
Jor -El had warned him, had told him over and over- "You need to train, to use your brain Kal-El. Our greatest gift is our intellect. This above all else will help you avoid and circumvent the crises that will face you on Terra."
Her smart jacket was shredded and as he clutched her small form to him he heard her cough.
"Clark. Clark, no. Please don't cry. Clark, I lo-" and then she had gone.
Clark gripped the table so hard it cracked in his grip, the strong old oak giving way under his grief as the memory was too real, too strong.
He finished his sixth drink and left the bar after paying, signaling for a cab.
The one day a year he gave in to weakness, to grief, to his damned humanity.
He suspected that he would have to stop the ritual soon. Maybe a few years more and then find something else, something constructive to pour his energy into. It was only a matter of time before even he would finally accept that this was maudlin at best, disgusting at worst.
The world needed more than this. His wife deserved better than this.
The taxi dropped him off at his apartment and he saw that Lois was home early tonight. As the kryptonite expended the last of its radiation it became inert and Clark sobered almost instantly, the small bit of poison no longer effective.
He entered his home and Lois greeted him.
For the past four years she had known his secret and every time this day had come around she had asked him if he wanted to talk about it, to see if there was something she could do.
She asked him the same question again and for the first time, Clark decided to talk about that day.
The day he had gained the sight to move on and become better, only letting his old angst out once a year.
About the day Lois and Clark both lost Chloe.